business communication

Exercise Guide - Practice

Business Writing Fundamentals

with Judy Steiner-Williams

Directions: Practice using the 10 C’s of business writing to revise these sentences.

Use the answer key worksheet to see how I revised these sentences.

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Clear

1. Original Version: Jack told Jim that he could leave the meeting early.

2. Original Version: Put the report on the corner desk in the conference room.

3. Original Version: Younger workers made delicious appetizers at the banquet.

Conversational

2. Original Version: Please be advised that I am sending your materials pursuant to your request under separate cover and also inquiring today in regards to your August 10 Order #249. Thank you for the acknowledgement that you received it. Kindly let me know if the order was complete upon receipt of it. With reference to the aforementioned order, it was shipped August 4.

3. Original Version: In accordance with your wishes for your ordering preference and notwithstanding the fact that you are changing the ordering procedure we have on file for you, it should be noted that we are hereby advising you that your next order will be shipped by Red Line Motor Freight.

Considerate

1. Original Version: I am writing to answer your questions about the survey I conducted by telephone on Saturday, September 19. You wanted to know what I asked and who was included in the survey. I questioned a few customers in two groups—those who are new and those who are long-time customers. The purpose of the survey was to find out why the new customers became our customers and why the long-time customers remain customers. I also wanted to find out what they know about our competition and if the location of the customer made any difference in how long they’ve been our customer. Other relevant information that I thought would be important is if they like for our representatives to leave voice mail and if our hours are convenient.

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2. Original Version:

TO: All employees

FROM: Jami Hulen, Supervisor JH

DATE: (current date)

SUBJECT: Company Absenteeism

On August 8, the Human Resource Department mailed questionnaires (copy attached) to the supervisors of each of the ten departments. Nine of the supervisors have returned the questionnaires. The received responses are being tabulated and analyzed. After the committee thoroughly studies the results, it will then recommend how to help improve attendance. All employees will receive copies of this report at least one week before the September meeting so everyone will have an opportunity to think about the recommendations and have input at the meeting. Mary, Jon, and Alan will present the analyses at the annual employee meeting on (include date).

3. Original Version: The building was inspected last month by our VP, and it exceeded the minimum requirement we need for a new storage facility. Ryan said to make certain that everyone on the committee knows that our minimum requirement is 10,000 sq. ft. and that the Maxum Building is 12,000 sq. ft. Other items on the agenda for the next meeting are overtime pay which needs to be reduced and parking lot upgrades. Ryan mentioned that the building inspector will give a report on the Maxum Building’s condition. The parking lot will get new security lights by the end of the quarter.

Correct

1. Original Version: All along the production line employees have expressed a need for more frequent breaks.

2. Original Version: Here are a list off the attendees; Susanna Arreaza, Doris Belmount, Pam Burin, Steve Corey, James Medinna, Kev Peary, Melanie White, and Lou Waters. The list is is complete. If you want too request more information about the class. Please call 1.800.555.520.

3. Original Version: Everyone brought their lunch to the meeting. The consensus was that its not going to rain so the meeting can be held in the park Sam said that he will make sure everybody know where to park.

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Courteous

1. Original Version: You can’t use that door even if it is closer to the parking lot because company policy says that door is to be used only by guests. I can’t grant you an exception. You certainly should know by now which door is the employee door!

2. Original Version: If you had followed the instructions that came with the product, you wouldn’t be requesting another one to replace the broken one you returned. Even though you didn’t follow the directions, we are going to send you a replacement.

3. Original Version: We are going to accept your request to participate in your donation efforts. We think that helping the homeless in our community is something that shouldn’t be ignored. Because we don’t have enough in our budget for the rest of the year, we can’t give what you have requested. We hope that this $10,000 will give us the publicity that we are a Silver Donor as listed on your information sheet.

Concise

2. Original Version: We’ve noticed some of you struggling to read the information on the billing ticket. We’ve experimented with different positions and have found that ideally, it would be best to put the billing ticket just below the screen and above the keyboard.

3. Original Version: We are writing to inform you that the purpose of this letter is to indicate that if we are unable to mutually benefit from our seller/buyer relationship, with satisfactory payment, then we have no alternative other than to sever the relationship. In other words, unless the account is handled in 45 days, we will have to change your terms to a permanent COD basis. Due to the fact that your account is past due for the amount of $1,500, the privilege of buying on credit will in the future no longer be available because we can longer provide that service until your unpaid balance is paid.

107 words

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Complete

1. Original Version: You are invited to be one of the first guests at our new store. An open house will be held from 4:00-6:00 p.m. on Friday (include exact date). Hors d’oeuvres will be served and tours will be available for you to view the new facilities.

2. Original Version: You will need to contact the team leader who has just been assigned to the recruiting team. The leader will tell you when and where the next meeting is and the agenda. Let the team leader know that you have been notified of this change.

3. Original Version: If you want to take advantage of the opportunity to earn the preferred customer status and reap all the benefits, be certain you have purchased the required amount, have submitted the required forms on line, and have activated your new card if you have received it.

Concrete

1. Original Version: As we discussed, I needed to work to the best of my abilities, and I think I improved. I called on more customers and made more sales. I was on time almost always for my appointments and remembered to bring extra forms.

2. Original Version: I asked several employees how they felt about the new plan, and many of them said they were opposed to some of the provisions. I learned which provisions they were opposed to through a survey. Therefore, it shouldn’t be approved.

3. Original Version: As you requested, here is some input about how our company is doing. I like some of the things our company is doing, but other things are having a negative impact on employee morale. Some of us think that an employee suggestion box would be beneficial, and most of my department want to help with the upcoming company picnic to bond outside of the office environment.

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Credible

1. Original Version: You will probably be turning in your resignation because you said if you didn’t get the promotion, you would quit. I just heard that Janie got the promotion and will start in the new position before too long.

2. Original Version: Most of our clients think that we should add more company services. One of the services mentioned is a delivery service. I know someone I can contact who provides that service and have already contacted him.

3. Original Version: Mary said that she knows a better method for some of our company’s processes that someone told her about. She said that they worked great for one of our competitors. Mary said that she knows a better method for some of our company’s processes that someone told her about. She said that they worked great for one of our competitors.

Coherent

1. Original Version: A new process for correcting pay check errors will begin Monday. Reminder: Have you signed up for the company bowling league yet? The landscaping on the north side will begin next month.

3. Original Version: At the next company-wide sponsored meeting, refreshments will be catered by Rit’s Catering Service. How many employees will represent your department? Next week we have a group of high school students coming to tour our facilities, and we need a couple volunteers to act as guides for the students. Friday is the last date to give input on our company’s proposed dress policy or to suggest what refreshments we should have for our meeting.