Proposal assignment description

DEVELOPMENT COMMITTEE: FEBRUARY 2, 5:00 TO 6:30 P.M. MEETING MINUTES

Attended: Rose, Jean, Larry, Laura, Arlene

1. Donor Appreciation Event (March 16)

• Guest speaker will be Melanie DiPaolo. • Invitations will be sent out February 5. • Rose and Jean visited and approved the venue. • Arlene suggested Party Plus on Turrey Avenue for paper goods.

2. Spring Gala (June 3)

a. Auctioneer and children’s pre-event show

• Calvin Chatsworth agreed to be auctioneer at no charge. • Sesame Workshop contacted for pre-event puppet show; waiting for a reply.

b. Live and silent auction

• Auction forms and letters now available for solicitation. • Arlene will donate Yankee tickets. • Larry will work on getting restaurant gift certificates.

c. Pro-bono printer/graphic designer

• Arlene suggested talking with board and committee members. - Members may have connections to major corporations, which likely have

business relationships with outside printing companies. - Printing companies may give us free or discounted invitation printing/mailing.

• Rose suggested contacting Fred; he created a lovely flyer for the Latino event.

d. Other decisions to be made

• Dress code: “Business casual: leave your heels at home” on invitation. • Ticket price: $175pp down from $200pp; lower cost may attract more guests. • Invitation wording/theme for the event: Several options—need feedback from

entire committee.

3. Tennis Event?

• Topic will be discussed at future development meeting.

4. Next meeting dates

• Meetings will be on Tuesdays at 5:00–6:30 p.m. • Schedule set for February 2, March 9, April 13, May 18, and June 15.

Identifies the meeting title and date.

Identifies who attended the meeting.

Uses the original agenda, with clear main topics, as the starting point.

Adds notes in blue type.

Identifies clear responsibilities for

action items.

Could be clearer here. What was the outcome of these

suggestions? Who will follow up on these ideas?

Documents a clear decision here.

Shows flexibility for discussion by moving a

topic to a future meeting.

Confirms upcoming meeting dates.

Figure 20 Sample Meeting Minutes

PART 1 Foundations of Business Communication92

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 3 Interpersonal Communication Skills 93

Listening to Customers

Purpose Imagine that you’re working as a customer service intern at an online auction company. Part of your job is to take phone calls from unhappy customers. One customer is par- ticularly upset and tells you about his experience:

I was the winning bid for a pair of Ugg boots, but it’s been two weeks, and I still haven’t received them. My daughter’s birthday is in two days, and if I don’t get them tomorrow, I won’t have the present I promised for her!

Process

1. What is your objective in handling this phone call? I need to understand the situation and try to neutralize the customer’s emotion. If he followed the correct procedure but still didn’t receive the boots, I will help resolve the situation.

2. What limitations do you have in listening to or helping the customer? I won’t recite our policy—which is likely to make the customer angrier—but I do need to understand whether he has contacted the seller. Usually, these disputes are best resolved by the buyer communicating directly with the seller.

3. What listening skills will be most useful during the conversation? I will avoid simply repeating what he says; rather, I’ll paraphrase some information and refl ect emotion to ensure that I understand what happened and acknowledge how upset he is. I’ll stay calm and focused on the situation to avoid fueling his anger, which would make the situation worse.

4. How will you end the conversation? I will end by making sure the plan to resolve the issue is clear—and I’ll try to end on a positive note.

Product Here’s how the conversation goes:

Caller: I was the winning bid for a pair of Ugg boots, but it’s been two weeks, and I still haven’t received them. My daughter’s birthday is in two days, and if I don’t get them tomorrow, I won’t have the present I promised for her!

Me: I’m sorry you haven’t received the boots yet. Will you please tell me the item number, so I can look this up and see what’s happening?

Caller: What kind of a company are you running that you take people’s money but don’t deliver the item?!

Me: I understand that you’re upset with your daughter’s birthday coming up so soon. I’d like to be able to help you.

PART 1 Foundations of Business Communication94

Caller: What can you possibly do at this point to help me?? Just send me the boots.

Me: I wish I could send you the boots. We’ll have to see what’s happening with the seller. Let’s look at the information and see what the hold-up is. Will you give me the item number?

Caller: [Sigh] Okay, it’s 330506558696.

Me: Thank you. I’ll be with you in just a minute. [pause]

Me: Okay, is this Mr. Espinosa?

Caller: Yes.

Me: Mr. Espinosa, I see that your payment went through PayPal just yesterday. [pause]

Caller: Well, I was out of town for a while, but I still need them by tomorrow!

Me: I understand that you’re on a tight deadline now. Have you contacted the seller to see whether she can send the boots by express mail? That might be your best bet at this point.

Caller: But I paid only for regular shipping!

Me: I’ve seen this situation before, where a customer needs an item more quickly than originally planned. You could contact the seller immediately and see whether the boots can be sent out today.

Caller: Well, okay, I guess I’ll try that. There’s nothing at all you can do??

Me: I wish I could. The seller has the item and will know whether it can be shipped to you today. I hope she can!

Caller: Okay, I’ll contact her now.

Me: Good. I hope this works out for you and that your daughter gets the boots in time for her birthday.

Caller: Thank you for your help.

Me: Thank you for calling us. Goodbye.

CHAPTER 3 Interpersonal Communication Skills 95

Planning a Meeting

Purpose Imagine that you manage the customer service division at an online auction company. As part of your job, you’re evaluating the current frequently asked questions on the Customer Support page of the website. You continually update these questions to give customers quick answers and to prevent unnecessary contact with the customer ser- vice associates.

You’re planning a meeting with fi ve customer service associates at the company headquarters to decide what, if any, changes to make to the current questions. You have some data about which current questions are accessed most frequently on the website, and you would like to hear from the associates what additional questions they typically receive by email and by chat. To plan the meeting, you prepare an email to the associates.

Process

1. What is the purpose of this meeting, and why is a meeting necessary?

2. What is the best format for the meeting (in person, teleconference, online, or video- conference)? Why is this format the best choice?

3. What will you include in the meeting agenda? How can you make sure the agenda is detailed enough?

4. How can you inspire associates to come to the meeting prepared?

5. What else will you include in your email?

Product Write an email to the customer service associates.

PART 1 Foundations of Business Communication96

Summary

Explain the meaning and importance of nonverbal messages.

Nonverbal communication includes body movement, physical appearance, voice quali- ties, time, touch, and space and territory. Cultures differ greatly in terms of how they interpret nonverbal behavior.

Listen effectively in business situations.

Listening has many positive benefi ts for business but is the least developed verbal com- munication skill. Whether listening to a formal presentation or conversing with one or two people, you can learn to listen more effectively by giving the speaker your undivided attention, staying open-minded about the speaker and the topic, avoiding interrupting the speaker, and involving yourself actively in the communication.

Use social media to build business relationships.

Like listening in person, listening online is important to build business relationships. Companies that truly engage customers and employees through social media develop stronger connections with these audiences and receive more valuable feedback. When companies offer online channels for customers, they must respond—or prepare to lose credibility.

Use voice technologies and texting effectively in business situations.

The offi ce phone, smartphone, texting, and VoIP all have a place in business com- munication. Use the telephone for richer communication that requires more cues for understanding; text messaging for short messages, typically around logistics; and VoIP to reduce call expenses; for example, to international offi ces. Follow the norms of your company for each medium.

Plan, facilitate, and participate in a business meeting.

Planning a business meeting requires determining your purpose, deciding whether a meeting is necessary, and identifying what format is most appropriate. You must then decide who should attend, prepare your agenda, and arrange logistics. When facilitat- ing and participating in a meeting, follow the agenda and encourage and contribute to discussion. Follow up the meeting with detailed minutes that summarize discussion, decisions, and actions.

Exercises

1. Identify facial expressions.

Find a partner and take turns telling each other a three-minute story. When each of you tells your story, try to exaggerate, as if you were on stage and telling the story to a live audience. As you watch your partner, take notes on facial expressions you see, and identify what emotion each expression conveys (e.g., anger, excitement, disgust). Pay particular attention to your partner’s nose, mouth (lips and tongue), eyes (eyebrows and eyelids), and forehead.

As an alternative to this exercise, watch a few minutes of your favorite stand-up comedian online. What facial expressions do you see, and which emotions does he or she convey?

Explain the meaning and importance of nonverbal messages.

SSuummmmmmaarrry

EExxeercciiseesss

97CHAPTER 3 Interpersonal Communication Skills

2. Communicate without talking.

This is your big chance to be a star! In front of the class, use only nonverbal communica- tion to convey the following emotions.

a. Surprise d. Puzzlement

b. Anger e. Boredom

c. Sorrow

See whether the class can guess your emotion. This will give you practice in match- ing your nonverbal language to your message.

3. Use your voice tone to convey emotions.

With a partner, repeat the following groups of sentences, conveying a different emotion each time. Change the order, and see if your partner can guess which emotion you’re expressing.

Today is my birthday. (excited) I didn’t get the Bank of America job. (disap- pointed)

Today is my birthday. (sad) I didn’t get the Bank of America job. (angry)

Today is my birthday. (anxious) I didn’t get the Bank of America job. (indifferent)

Today is my birthday. (surprised) I didn’t get the Bank of America job. (surprised)

4. Analyze time norms.

Think back to a meeting you attended recently—either at school or at a workplace. Did everyone arrive at the same time? How do you interpret the behavior of those who arrived fi rst and last? Would you draw any conclusions about their status in the group or their culture, which may have infl uenced their perception of time? How does your own perspective on time factor into your analysis?

5. Listen to key ideas and compare notes.

Watch a few minutes of a news report with the class. As you’re listening, take notes about the most important points. In small groups, compare a few examples. In what ways are your notes different or similar? Did you miss important points that your class- mates wrote down? If so, why do you think this is the case?

6. See how nonverbal communication affects a speaker.

Working in groups of three or four, have one person tell a three-minute story to the rest of the group. As he or she tells the story, demonstrate negative nonverbal communica- tion: roll your eyes, cross your arms, frown, turn away, and lean back in your chair. Ask the storyteller what effect this had on him or her. Was he or she able to continue the story? It probably didn’t feel very good!

Now give the storyteller a fair chance. This time, when he or she tells a story (the same or a different one), practice good nonverbal listening skills by nodding your head, smiling, and expressing other emotions that track with the story. What effect does your nonverbal communication have on the speaker? (It should encourage him or her to continue talking and want to say more.)

7. Observe someone listening.

Working in groups of three, have one person talk about a diffi cult decision he or she needs to make. As he or she describes the situation, have a second person listen, using skills discussed in this chapter. The listener does not need to give advice or help the

Listen effectively in business situations.

PART 1 Foundations of Business Communication98

8. Practice an active listening response.

For each of the following statements, write down three responses: one that repeats the content, one that paraphrases the content, and one that refl ects both the content and the possible underlying emotion.

• I can’t believe I wasn’t chosen for the hockey team.

• I didn’t think I’d get a call back for a second interview, but I did!

speaker solve the problem; he or she merely needs to listen. The third person in your group should take notes on how the listener uses the skills in Figure 21.

After about fi ve minutes of conversation, have both the speaker and observer give feedback to the listener. Which skills were used most effectively, and which skills could the listener improve?

If you have time, switch roles so everyone has a chance to practice listening skills.

Sony Sony Enjoy, have a blast! RT @LevenRambin: Just got a @sony NEX-3 Camera with lenses. Watch out, I’m the new paparazzi on the block. 6 hours ago

Sony Sony Cool! Are you into 3D gaming or movies? RT @chadstray: Just purchased a 46” 3-D @Sony Bravia! So pumped for it to arrive. #awesome 7 hours ago

Sony Sony @CadeRageous Have fun! If you’re a @foursquare user, don’t forget to check in to the @PlayStation lounge: http://ow.ly/4rSqo 7 hours ago

CadeRageous Cade by Sony @Sony heading to Sony Style and the PlayStation lounge today in nyc! Have to show friends what heaven is like. 11 hours ago

make.believe

make.believe

make.believe

Figure 22 Sony Tweets to Engage Customers

Skills Rating

• Gives the speaker his or her undivided attention 1 2 3 4 5

• Stays open-minded 1 2 3 4 5

• Doesn’t interrupt 1 2 3 4 5

• Involves himself or herself by doing the following:

– Maintains eye contact 1 2 3 4 5

– Nods in agreement 1 2 3 4 5

– Leans forward 1 2 3 4 5

– Uses encouraging phrases (“Uh huh,” “I see”) 1 2 3 4 5

– Responds (paraphrases and refl ects) 1 2 3 4 5

Figure 21 Checklist for Listening Skills Feedback

• My family is visiting this weekend, and I have two exams on Monday.

• I didn’t get the promo- tion to senior fi nancial assistant.

9. Analyze how Sony uses Twitter to engage customers.

As a company interested in engaging customers online, Sony is active on Twitter. Review the tweets in Figure  22, and in small groups, discuss how effec- tively Sony is listening and responding to consumers. Do you fi nd the tweets engaging? Why or why not?

Use social media to build business relationships.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

© T

W IT

T E

R ,

IN C

.

99CHAPTER 3 Interpersonal Communication Skills

Now imagine that you are responsible for Sony’s Twitter account. Write two tweets (up to 140 characters) to engage customers: one to promote a new product (your choice) and one to respond to a tweet by Brinda Durii (Figure 23).

10. Help a company improve how it listens to customers online.

Think about one of your favorite companies—or a company where you might like to work—and analyze their social media presence and engagement. Does it have a Face- book page, Twitter account, blog, or other ways to connect with customers online? If it does have a presence, what do you think of the way the company interacts with customers? Does their approach encourage you to contribute? Do you believe that customers feel listened to online?

Write a one- or two-page memo to the company’s vice president of social media with your recommendations. Submit this to your instructor.

11. Propose a way to include employees’ input.

Imagine that you are the vice president of employee communication at a large fi nancial services company. Management is considering redesigning the offi ce space for cus- tomer service associates to reduce noise but keep an open environment. As part of the process, you propose an online survey to hear employees’ opinions. Write a one- or two-page proposal to the rest of the management team (your peers) to implement a survey on the company’s intranet. Convince the rest of the team that this is a good idea by explaining your rationale and providing enough detail so that they understand how the survey would work. Be honest about the downsides of your idea; after all, asking employees for their opinions can be risky.

12. Leave a voice mail message.

Imagine that you applied for a job and received this voice mail message from the com- pany’s HR manager:

Hello. This is Marley Catona from Bank on Me. We received your cover letter and résumé, and I’d like to schedule a phone interview with you. Will you please tell me what times you’re available this Friday for a half- hour call? You can reach me at 555-1212. Thank you.

Leave a response on another student’s phone. Plan your message in advance, but try to sound natural. You’ll want to express your enthusiasm for the interview and give specifi c times when you’re available.

Use the checklist in Figure 24 to give each other feedback.

Use voice technologies and texting effectively in business situations.

This voice mail relates to the Bank on Me company scenario available at www.cengagebrain.com.

BrindaDurii2827 Brinda Duril @Ethan_Anderton sony makes the best laptops out there http://bit.ly/gH7WnJ?=mtq0 1 minute ago

Figure 23 Tweet About Sony

© T

W IT

T E

R , IN

C .

PART 1 Foundations of Business Communication100

13. Evaluate a telephone greeting.

Working in teams of three, exchange cell phone numbers, call each other, and listen to the voice mail greetings. Give the other students feedback about their greetings. Do  they sound professional? Is the message clear? How can it be improved? After you receive feedback, re-record your greeting and have your classmates call you again to check the revised version.

14. Practice using VoIP.

If you don’t have much experience using VoIP, such as Skype or Google Voice, try calling another student or a coworker. Both services are free, have simple sign-up procedures, and include optional video.

Talk for a few minutes online. What differences do you notice between VoIP and talking on a cell phone? Discuss what you learned with the rest of the class, and then, as a group, generate a list of tips for people using VoIP.

15. Determine the best meeting format.

For each of the following scenarios, identify which format—face-to-face, conference call, online meeting, or videoconference—would work best.

• You want to close a sale with a new client.

• You have a weekly meeting with housekeeping staff at the Arlington, Virginia, hotel.

• You call a meeting to discuss cost-cutting ideas with your counterparts in three different states.

Plan, facilitate, and participate in a business meeting.

Figure 24 Checklist for Voice Mail Message Feedback

q Thanks Ms. Catona for the call

q Includes all relevant information:

m First and last name

m Reason for calling (responding to Ms. Catona’s message)

m Times available on Friday

q Avoids extraneous information and fillers (e.g., overuse of “uh,” “um”)

q Uses an appropriate tone:

m Professional

m Enthusiastic

m Natural

m Confident, but not overly confident

q Ends the call clearly and professionally

q Other:

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

101CHAPTER 3 Interpersonal Communication Skills

• You need to teach the new IT analyst, who works in a different offi ce, how to operate a proprietary system.

• You need to tell employees who report to you but work in different locations that the company is planning to downsize.

16. Evaluate a business meeting.

Attend a business meeting at work, a city council meeting in your community, a student organization meeting at school, or some other meeting. Observe the meeting and evaluate how well the facilitator plans and runs the meeting. Write an email to the facilitator to recommend improvements, according to what you learned in this chapter.

17. Plan a business meeting.

Working in groups of fi ve, choose one of these scenarios for the next three exercises. For the scenario you and your team members choose, prepare an email and detailed agenda to send to the other meeting participants.

Scenario 1 Imagine that you are a dean at your college, which does not celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday with a paid holiday. You want the support of the college’s four other deans to make the third Monday in January a holiday for all college employees and students. Invite your four colleagues to a meeting.

Scenario 2 Imagine that you work as a sales associate for your local Gap store. The work sched- ule is always set a month in advance, but you want more fl exibility. You ask the four other sales associates in the store to meet with you, so you can convince them to plan the schedule only one week in advance. You would need the store manager’s approval to do this, but you decide to get your coworkers on board fi rst.

18. Facilitate a face-to-face meeting.

Use one of the scenarios in the previous exercise to practice facilitating and participating in a meeting.

Have each person assume the role of another participant. Determine who will lead the meeting (the dean or the sales associate calling the meeting). Conduct a 10- to 15-minute meeting. Following the meeting, evaluate its effectiveness. Did you achieve your objective? Explain your answer.

19. Write meeting minutes.

To summarize the meeting for your colleagues in the previous scenario, write up the meeting minutes. Each of you in the group should prepare minutes separately. Then, as a group, compare your minutes. Which are best and why?

20. Participate in an online meeting.

Sign up for free versions of WebEx, GoToMeeting, or another service to practice partici- pating in an online meeting. In groups of four or fi ve, have one person take the role of facilitator to schedule a time and send an invitation to the rest of the team.

During the meeting, discuss the benefi ts and obstacles of using the tool for an organization where you worked recently. In what ways could the service be useful for the organization? In what ways is the service not appropriate for this particular organization?

PART 1 Foundations of Business Communication102

In the Loop Soup Kitchen In the Loop is a not-for-profi t community kitchen that provides a safe, warm place for locals to get a healthy meal. This scenario presents a crisis situation—someone enters the facility with a gun—and challenges you to:

• Analyze Twitter use in a crisis situation.

• Practice leaving a voice mail message during a crisis.

• Write internal and external messages to address a sensitive situation.

• Take a proactive, strategic approach to crisis communication.

At www.cengagebrain.com, you’ll fi nd:

• Information about the situation: – The Scoop (overview of the scenario) – Organization background (vision, mission, organizational structure)

• Communications during the situation: – Voice mail message (from the executive director) – Twitter page (tweets written by an intern, shown here)

Home Profile Find People Settings Help Sign out

Lists

Name InTheLoopSoup Location Olpine Web http://www.intheloopsoup.org Bio Serving Olpine’s hungry and cold, one cup and coat at a time

126 541 12 following followers listed

Tweets 98

Favorites

Actions

message InTheLoopSoup block InTheLoopSoup report for spam

RSS feed of InTheLoopSoup’s tweets

Following

InTheLoopSoup

I’m outta here! 5:56 PM Dec 26th from web

OMG. There’s a man with a gun! 5:56 PM Dec 26th from web

Cooking lessons every Tuesday, 6 - 7 p.m. Make nutritious meals for under $3. 7:11 AM Dec 25th from web

Volunteers needed for the upcoming holidays. Please call Peggy at 914-6553. 2:19 PM Dec 24th from web

Join us for the holidays! We’re serving hot meals every day from 11:30 – 1 and 5 – 6:30. 2:18 PM Dec 24th from web

Please donate warm coats. We have lots of people in need, and, baby, it’s cold outside! 2:59 PM Dec 23rd from web

If you were the assistant director of In the Loop and had to handle this situation in the executive director’s absence, what would you do? Your instructor may assign you to do the following to practice your interpersonal communication skills:

• Analyze the intern’s use of Twitter in this situation and meet with Chris, the intern, to understand his perspective and to present your own ideas.

• Write a few tweets that would communicate that all is well at In the Loop and to continue building relationships with your key audiences.

• Leave a voice mail message for Emilio, the executive director (in response to his message, which you can listen to online).

These communications—and others for this scenario—will test your ability to build relationships in a diffi cult situation.

© I S

T O

C K

P H

O T

O .C

O M

/S IR

IM O

© T

W IT

T E

R ,

IN C

.

CHAPTER 3 Interpersonal Communication Skills 103

1. Marc Wright, “Ebay reinvents team briefi ngs,” www.simply- communicate.com, accessed July 25, 2010.

2. Peter F. Drucker, quoted by Bill Moyers in A World of Ideas (Garden City: Doubleday, 1990).

3. Judee K. Burgoon and Thomas Saine, The Unspoken Dialogue: An Introduction to Nonverbal Communi- cation (Boston: Houghton Miffl in, 1978).

4. Judy Foreman, “A Conversation with Paul Ekman; the 43 Facial Muscles That Reveal Even the Most Fleeting Emotions,” New York Times Online, August 5, 2003, http://nytimes .com/2003/08/05/health/ conversation-with-paul-ekman- 43-facial-muscles-that-reveal- even-most-fl eeting.html, accessed April 21, 2011.

5. Robin Marks, “The Eyes Have It,” QUEST Community Science Blog, January 24, 2008, www.kqed.org/ quest/blog/2008/01/24/the-eyes- have-it/, accessed July 20, 2010.

6. Buck Wolf, “The Pinocchio Effect,” ABCNews.com Home Page, December 17, 2000, http://abcnews .go.com/sections/us/WolfFiles/ wolffi les68.html, accessed September 11, 2003.

7. Timothy A. Judge, Charlice Hurst, and Lauren S. Simon, “Does It Pay to Be Smart, Attractive, or Confi dent (or All Three)?” Journal of Applied Psychology 94 (2009): 742–755.

8. Timothy A. Judge, Charlice Hurst, and Lauren S. Simon, “Does It Pay to Be Smart.”

9. Disa A. Sauter et al., “Cross-Cultural Recognition of Basic Emotions through Nonverbal Emotional

Vocalizations,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, November 4, 2009, www.pnas.org/ content/107/6/2408.full, accessed July 22, 2010.

10. David B. Givens, “Tones of Voice,” The Nonverbal Dictionary of Gestures, Signs, and Body Language Cues, 2002, http://sirpabs.ilahas.com/ebooks/ Body%20Language.pdf, accessed July 21, 2010.

11. Curt Suplee, “Get Outta My Face,” Washington Post, June 9, 1999, p. H-1.

12. Judi Brownell, “Fostering Service Excellence through Listening: What Hospitality Managers Need to Know,” The Center for Hospitality Research, Cornell Hospitality Report 9 (April 2009).

13. Ralph G. Nichols, “Listening Is a Ten-Part Skill,” Nation’s Business, September 1987, p. 40; and “Listen Up!” American Salesman, July 1987, p. 29.

14. Josh Bernoff, “Five Objectives in the Groundswell (Listening),” For- rester’s Consumer Forum 2007, April 7, 2008, www.youtube.com/ watch?v=xC8JU_aEvgg, accessed July 21, 2010.

15. Charlene Li, Josh Bernoff, Ground- swell: Winning in a World Transformed by Social Technologies (Harvard Busi- ness Press, 2011).

16. Marty St. George, vice president of marketing and commercial at JetBlue, quoted in “How JetBlue Became One of the Hottest Brands in America,” by Rupal Parekh, http://adage.com/article/cmo- strategy/jetblue-hottest-brands- america/144799/, accessed July 21, 2010.

17. JetBlue Twitter Page, http://twitter .com/JETBLUE, July 21, 2010, accessed July 21, 2010.

18. Erick Schonfeld, “The Most En- gaged Brands on the Web,” (study by Charlene Li and WetPaint), TechCrunch, July 20, 2009, http:// techcrunch.com/2009/07/20/ the-most-engaged-brands-on-the- web/, accessed on July 21, 2010.

19. Hubert B. Herring, “Endless Meet- ings: The Black Holes of the Work- day,” New York Times, June 18, 2006, p. E7.

20. Kelly Services, “Kelly Global Work- force Index,” www.smartmanager .us, accessed July 19, 2010.

21. Harvard Business Review Analytic Services, “Managing Across Distance in Today’s Economic Climate: The Value of Face-to-Face Communica- tion,” June 2009 survey.

22. Harvard Business Review Analytic Services.

23. Harvard Business Review Analytic Services.

24. Tracy Paurowski, “American Express Business Travel Launches Online Travel Management Scorecard,” March 23, 2010, http://home3 .americanexpress.com/corp/ pc/2010/mtnm.asp, accessed July 24, 2010.

25. “Second Life Work/Success Stories,” http://wiki.secondlife.com, accessed December 17, 2010.

26. Published with permission from the author.

NotesNNooteees

104

Audience Analysis (4) Who Is the Primary Audience? (4) What Is

Your Relationship with the Audience? (4) How Will the Audience Likely

React? (4) What Does the Audience Already Know? (4) What Is Unique About

the Audience? (4) The Writing Process (4) Planning (4) Purpose (4) Content (4) Organization (4) Drafting (4)

Letting Go (4) Overcoming Writer’s Block (4) Writing

for Different Media (4) Revising (4) Revising for Content

(4) Revising for Style (4) Revising for Correctness (4) Proofreading

Chapter 4

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

After you have fi nished this chapter,

you should be able to

Analyze the audience for your communication.

Plan the purpose, content, and organization of your message.

Compose the fi rst draft of your message.

Revise for content, style, and correctness.

Proofread your message.

“This [company]

sign is both

disappointing and

anti-social.” — CAREY ALEXANDER,

THE CONSUMERIST, ABOUT POORLY WRITTEN RESTAURANT SIGN

ience Analysis (4 ce? (4) What Is

104

105

Developing Your Business Writing Skills Part 2

Chapter Introduction: Bad Writing Is Bad Business

B ad writing is bad business. Here are just a few examples of how

poor writing affects the bottom line:

• An attorney and her law firm were hit with a $6.6 million

suit because a lease agreement was “inartfully written and

done so in a confusing fashion, which lends itself to ambi-

guities and disagreements.”1

• A computer company lost $35 million partly because of poorly

written instructions. The company admitted that customers

were dissatisfied because of “manuals which did not offer

the first-time user adequate assistance.”2

• U.S. states spend $221 million annually — paid by taxpayers —

on remedial writing instruction for state employees. “It’s

impossible to calculate the ultimate cost of lost productivity

because people have to read things two and three times,” said

former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee.3

• A confusing comma almost cost a cable TV company $1 million

Canadian. The company won the case on appeal, but not

before an unnecessary lawsuit about just one comma in a

14-page contract.4

Other errors are hard to quantify.

Consider the sign pictured here —

adapted from a real sign posted in a

national fast-food restaurant window.

This one is so funny, it’s sad.

y.

—

a

.

© T

E R

R I M

IL L E

R /E

-V IS

U A

L C

O M

M U

N IC

A T

IO N

S , IN

C .

A sign riddled with errors caused embarrassment to a fast-food restaurant chain.

105

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills106

AN OVERVIEW OF THE WRITING PROCESS When faced with a writing task, some people just start writing. They try to do everything at once: choose the best words, organize into paragraphs, format, proofread—all at the same time. This may seem like the most efficient writ- ing process, but it’s not. In fact, you might be bogged down with details that will prevent you from moving forward and producing the best product. In- stead, writing in steps is the better strategy and will save you time in the long run. For example, spending planning time up front gives you a sense of where you want to go. With clear goals, it’s more likely your writing will accomplish those goals. And if you save a separate step for proofreading, you’ll catch more errors.

Although you may vary this process for different writing projects, business writers typically perform the following fi ve steps (see Figure 1).

The amount of time you devote to each step depends on the complexity, length, and importance of the writing project. You may go through all the steps when writing a business plan, but not when answering an email inviting you to a meeting.

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

h

Audience Analysis: Studying the needs, experiences, back- ground, personality, and other aspects of the receiver.

Proofreading: Checking for content, typographical, and format errors. Revising: Editing for

content, style, and correctness.

Drafting: Composing a first draft of a message.

is e

SEPS Email to All Employees

• Announce the system.

• Describe the purpose.

• List goals achieved.

• Close on a positive note.

Planning: Determining the purpose of the message, what information you need to give the reader, and in what order to present it.

Figure 1 The Writing Process

© K

R A

S K

A /S

H U

T T

E R

S T

O C

K .C

O M

; ©

P IO

3 /S

H U

T T

E R

S T

O C

K .C

O M

; ©

D A

N I

O N

U T

P O

P E

S C

U /S

H U

T T

E R

S T

O C

K .C

O M

The writing process con sists of analyzing the audience, planning, drafting, revising, and proofreading.

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 107

AUDIENCE ANALYSIS Your fi rst step is to consider your audience for the message—the reader or readers of your writing. Your audience may be just one person or a group of diverse people all over the world. We can’t always understand our audience perfectly, but we do our best to anticipate what they need and how they might react to our message. For a strategic-level communication—for example, announcing a big change in a company, such as a merger or acquisition—multiple messages would be sent to different audiences. Here, we’ll consider just one message at a time.

An audience analysis will help you understand your message from the read- er’s perspective. This process gives you a sense of the audience’s potential mental fi lters and how to adjust your message accordingly.

Let’s take an example of moving an offi ce from downtown Chicago to a sub- urb. In Figure 2, you can see how analyzing an audience helps the writer tailor a message.

Analyze the audience for your communication.

Who is the audience?

• Primary audience: employees in the Chicago office, who will be moving

• Secondary audience: employees in the Boston office, who may be concerned that they will move next

How will the audience likely

react?

• Employees who live near the new location will be happy, but most will not. This is a big change for everyone.

• I will get to the main point quickly and will explain the rationale for the move and include lots of evidence to support the decision.

What does the audience

already know?

• Employees know this was a possibility because we have been looking to reduce costs.

• I will refer to previous discussions about ways to reduce costs.

• I will be honest and say that the Boston location may move as well.

What is your relationship

with the audience?

• As the Chicago office manager, I know these employees well and have credibility with them.

• My tone will be respectful and conversational.

What is unique about the audience?

• Many employees don’t have cars, so I’ll emphasize the public transportation options.

• Many employees are paid minimum wage, so I’ll emphasize less expensive housing options in the area.

Figure 2 Audience Analysis Example (Moving the Offi ce to the Suburbs)

Who Is the Primary Audience?

When you have more than one audience, you need to identify your primary audience (e.g., the decision maker) and your secondary audience (others who will also read and be affected by your message). Focus on the primary audience, but try to satisfy the needs of the secondary audience as well. If this is too much to accomplish with one message, write separate messages to different audiences. For example, a sales letter to a major client should be tailored to that client’s needs.

What Is Your Relationship with the Audience?

Does your audience know you? If your audience doesn’t know you, establish your credibility by assuming a professional tone, and give enough evidence to support your claims. Are you writing to someone inside or outside the organization? If out- side, your message may be more formal and contain more background informa- tion and less jargon than if you are writing to someone inside the organization.

Your relationship with the reader determines the tone and content of your message.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills108

What is your status in relation to your audience? Communications to your manager obviously are vital to your success in the organization. Typically, these messages are a little more formal, less authoritarian in tone, and fi lled with more information than communications to peers or people who report to you. Also, these messages are typically “front-loaded”—that is, they use a direct organiza- tional style and present the major idea in the fi rst paragraph. Study your man- ager’s own messages to understand his or her preferred style, and adapt your own message accordingly.

When you communicate with people who report to you, be respectful rather than patronizing. Try to instill a sense of collaboration, and include employees in your message rather than talk down to them. For example, use “we” when you refer to the company or department, but avoid platitudes such as “Employees are our greatest assets.” Be sincere and think about how your employees might react to your message. When praising or criticizing, focus on specifi c behaviors, not the person. As always, praise in public, but criticize in private.

How Will the Audience Likely React?

If the reader’s initial reaction to both you and your topic is likely to be positive, your job is relatively easy. You can use a direct approach—beginning with the most impor- tant information (e.g., your conclusions or recommendations)—and then provide details. If the reader’s initial reaction is likely to be neutral, you may want to use the fi rst few lines of the message to get the reader’s attention and convince him or her that what you have to say is important and that your reasoning is sound. Make sure your message is short and easy to read and that any requested action is easy to take.

Suppose, however, that you expect your reader’s reaction—either to your topic or to you personally—to be negative. Now you have a real sales job. Your best strategy is to call on external evidence and expert opinion to bolster your position. Use polite, conservative language, and suggest ways the readers can cooperate without appear- ing to “give in.”

If you anticipate that your reader will oppose your proposal, consider provid- ing more evidence. Instead of one example, give two or three. Instead of quoting one external source, quote several. Begin with the areas of agreement, stress how the audience will benefi t, and try to anticipate and answer any objections the reader might have. Through logic, evidence, and tone, build a case for your position.

What Does the Audience Already Know?

Understanding what the audience already knows helps you decide how much con- tent to include and what writing style is most appropriate. When writing to mul- tiple audiences, adapt to the key decision maker (the primary audience). In general, it is better to provide too much rather than too little information.

What Is Unique About the Audience?

The success or failure of a message often depends on little things—the extra touches that say to the reader, “You’re important, and I’ve taken the time to learn some things about you.”

What can you learn about the interests or demographics of your audience that you can build into your message? What questions and concerns can you antici- pate and address in your message?

Some readers like a direct approach, regardless of the purpose of the message.

If you expect readers to react negatively, present extensive evidence and expert testimony.

Determine how much information the reader needs.

Make the reader feel important by person- alizing the content.

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 109

Example of Audience Analysis

To illustrate the crucial role that audience analysis plays in communication, assume that you are a marketing manager at Seaside Resorts, a chain of small hotels along the California, Oregon, and Washington coasts. You know that many of the larger hotel chains have instituted frequent-stay (or loyalty) programs, which reward repeat customers with free stays or other perks.

You want to write a message recommending a similar plan for your hotel. Assume that Cynthia Haney, your immediate manager and the vice president of marketing, will be the only reader of your email and has the authority to approve or reject your proposal. Let’s look at three versions of Haney and how you could adjust your message to each (Figure 3).

Three Versions of Haney, VP of Marketing

Version 1

Haney has 20 years of management experience in the hospitality industry,

and she respects your judgment. She likes directness in writing

and wants the important information upfront.

Version 2

Haney assumed her position at Seaside Resorts just six months ago and is still “learning the ropes”

of the hospitality industry. Up to this point, your relationship with her

has been cordial, although she is probably not very familiar with your work.

Version 3

Haney has implied that she doesn’t

yet completely trust your judgment. In the past, she has

been hesitant about accepting

your ideas.

Your first paragraph can be direct and to the point:

“The purpose of this memo is to recommend

implementing a frequent-stay plan for a 12-month test period in

our three Oregon resorts. This recommendation is

based on our competitors’ policies and the costs

and benefits of instituting a loyalty program.”

Your first paragraph might use an indirect

approach, in which you discuss your procedures

and present your evidence before making a

recommendation: “The attached Wall Street

Journal article discusses four small hotels that have started frequent-stay plans. The purpose of this memo is to describe these plans and analyze the costs and

benefits. Then I will recommend what action

Seaside might take.”

You might add a second paragraph to establish your credibility: “This proposal is based on a large amount of data

collected over two months. First, I studied published reports prepared by the

Hotel and Restaurant Association. Then, I

interviewed the person in charge of the frequent-stay programs at three hotels. Finally, Dr. Kenneth Lowe,

professor of hospitality services at Southern Cal,

reviewed and commented on my first draft.”

Figure 3 Audience Analysis: Adjusting a Written Message for Seaside Resorts

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills110

Ethics in Communication

As you can see in Figure 3, the type, amount, and organization of informa- tion you include in your message refl ect what you know (or can learn) about your audience.

Ethical Persuasion

Any business communication—no matter how routine—involves more than just dumping information on your audience. Persuasion is a major purpose of any communication. Whether your goal is to sell, motivate, or convey bad news, you’ll want the same outcome: to infl uence others’ behaviors, thoughts, or feelings.

Persuasion, of course, is not coercion—far from it. In some cases, people may be forced to do something, but they can’t be forced to believe something. They must be persuaded in ways that are agreeable to them. The word persuade stems from a Latin root that means agreeable.

As business communicators, we have a responsibility to act ethically in build- ing relationships with our audience. For example, during the subprime mortgage crisis, mortgage lenders’ behavior was called into question. Imagine wanting to buy a house and being convinced that you can afford one—even though you can’t. A mortgage broker gains your trust by acting the part of a professional, enticing you with affordable monthly payments and promising that these payments will go down, but they never do; they only increase.5

Competent communicators know their audience—and ensure that their audi- ence knows them—but never take advantage of this relationship. In Chapter 7, we’ll explore the ethics of persuasion in more detail.

PLANNING Planning involves making conscious decisions about the purpose, content, and organization of the message.

Purpose

If you don’t know why you’re writing the message (i.e., what you hope to accom- plish), then you won’t know whether you have achieved your goal. In the end, what matters is not how well crafted your message was or how well it was formatted; what matters is whether you achieved your communication objective.

Most writers fi nd it easier to start with a general purpose and then refi ne it into a specifi c objective. The objective should state what you expect the reader to do as a result of your message. For the hotel frequent-stay program example, your general purpose might be this:

General Purpose: To describe the benefi ts of a frequent-stay program at Seaside Resorts.

This goal is a good starting point, but it is not specifi c enough. It doesn’t iden- tify the intended audience or the outcome you expect. Is the message intended for the marketing vice president or hotel guests? If the audience is the market- ing vice president, do you want her to simply understand what you’ve written? Agree with you? Commit resources for more research? Agree to implement the plan immediately? How will you know if your message achieves its objective? This is one example of a more specifi c communication objective:

Specifi c Purpose: To persuade Cynthia to approve developing and imple- menting a frequent-stay plan for a 12-month test period in Seaside’s three Oregon resorts.

Every message you write seeks to persuade— and should be handled ethically.

Plan the purpose, content, and organization of your message.

The purpose should be specifi c enough to serve as a yardstick for judging the success of the message.

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 111

These communication objectives state what you expect the audience to do and how you hope people will feel after reading your message. A clear-cut objective lets you focus on the content and organization.

Content

After you analyze your audience and identify the objective of your message, the next step is to decide what information to include. For simple messages, such as a quick text or routine email, this step is easy. However, many communication proj- ects require many decisions about what to include. How much background infor- mation is needed? What statistical data best supports the conclusions? Is expert opinion needed? Would examples, anecdotes, or graphics help comprehension? Will research be necessary, or do you have what you need?

The trick is to include enough information so that you don’t lose or confuse the reader, yet avoid including irrelevant material that wastes the reader’s time and obscures important data. Different writers use different methods for identifying what information is needed. Some simply jot down notes on the points they plan to cover.

For all but the simplest communications, the one thing you should not do is to start drafting immediately, deciding as you write what information to include. Instead, start with at least a preliminary outline of your message—whether it’s in your head, in a typed outline, or as notes on a piece of paper.

One useful strategy is brainstorming—jotting down ideas, facts, possible leads, and anything else you think might be helpful in constructing your mes- sage. Aim for quantity, not quality. Don’t evaluate your output until you run out of ideas. Then begin to refi ne, delete, combine, and revise your ideas to form your message.

Another approach is mind mapping (also called clustering), a process that avoids the step-by-step limitations of lists. Instead, you write the purpose of your message in the middle of a page and circle it. Then, as you think of possible points to add, write them down and link them with a line either to the main purpose or to another point. As you think of other details, add them where you think they might fi t. This

A clearly stated objective helps you avoid including irrelevant and distracting information.

Do not start writing until you have planned what you want to say.

General-Purpose Statement Specifi c Communication Objective

To communicate the offi ce move. To explain the rationale and process for the move to employees, while maintain- ing morale and minimizing employee turnover.

To apply for the sales associate position.

To convince the HR manager to call me for an interview based on my qualifi ca- tions for the job.

To deny a customer’s request for a replacement iPod.

To maintain the customer’s goodwill by helping her understand the rationale for the decision and convincing her that the denial is reasonable.

Figure 4 Identifying a Communication Objective

This purpose is now specifi c enough to guide you in writing the message and evaluating its success.

Figure 4 shows additional examples of general-purpose statements converted to more useful objectives.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills112

FREQUENT- STAY

PROGRAM

Costs

Overhead

Awards

Start- up

Charts

Competition

Hyatt

Best Western

Hilton

Holiday Inn

Major revamp

Pilot program

12-mo. only

Effect- iveness

Limited costs Three

Oregon resorts

Why?

Develop plan

Free nights only?

Survey customers

Cost projections

Study competition

Benefits

Must stay competitive

visual outline offers fl exibility and encourages free thinking. Figure 5 shows an example of mind mapping for the frequent-stay idea.

You may use computer graphics for this process, but many people fi nd writing by hand more freeing. Either way, by putting your ideas down and showing how they relate, you’re beginning to organize your message, which is the next step in the planning process.

Organization

After you have brainstormed around a main idea, you need to organize your points into an outline. The organization of a message indicates the order in which you’ll discuss each topic.

First, classify or group related ideas. Next, differentiate between the major and minor points so that you can line up minor ideas and evidence to support the

Figure 5 Mind Map of Ideas

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 113

major ideas. The diagram in Figure 6 shows the frequent-stay idea shaping up into a well-organized message.

Rather than create a hierarchical diagram, you may present your ideas in out- line format, shown in Figure 7. Of course, you may skip some of these steps for shorter and less important business writing.

As mentioned earlier, the most effective sequence for the major ideas depends partly on the reaction you expect from your audience. For most business commu- nication, audiences expect to see the main point up front (the direct approach): your conclusion or recommendation fi rst, with explanations following. However, if you expect a negative response, you may decide to use an indirect approach, with the reasons presented fi rst and the conclusion after.

For longer written communications (e.g., long memos, articles, or reports), con- sider writing your introductory paragraph fi rst. For the direct approach, the intro- duction explains why you’re writing (the purpose), what your conclusions are (your main points), and what topics the reader can expect (the preview). For the indirect approach, you also will cover these points, but you would provide more background information—and discuss your purpose and main points later in the introduc- tion. Compare two approaches for an introductory paragraph for the frequent-stay

Organize according to how you expect the reader to react.

Frequent-Stay Program

How should we develop the program?

How can we implement the

program?

Why create a frequent-stay

program?

Reward guests for loyalty

Stay competitive

Increase profits

Survey guests by location

Project all costs Study

competitors’ programs

Start with a pilot program

Gradually execute at

other hotels

Conduct follow- up surveys

every quarter

Overhead Hilton

Awards

Research and development

Start-up

Holiday Inn

Best Western

Hyatt

Execute at three

Oregon resorts

Monitor effectiveness

Run test for 12-month

period only

Figure 6 Organization for the Frequent-Stay Message

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills114

proposal (Figure 8). These build on our earlier examples of analyzing the audience (Figure 3).

In the indirect introduction example, notice how much softer the tone is for the reader. The main point is more of an invitation than a recommendation.

In Chapter 5, we’ll discuss more about paragraph unity, coherence, and length— also important elements of organization.

DRAFTING After planning your message, you’re fi nally ready to begin drafting—composing a preliminary version of a message. The more work you did to plan and organize your message, the easier this step will be. Again, don’t begin writing too soon. People who believe they have weak writing skills tend to jump in and get it over with as quickly as possible. Instead, follow each of the fi ve steps of the writing process to ease the journey and improve your fi nal product.

Compose the fi rst draft of your message.

Frequent-Stay Program Message Outline

INTRODUCTION: Include purpose, summary of main points, and preview of topics to be covered.

Section 1: Why should we create a frequent-stay program? (1) Reward guests for loyalty (2) Stay competitive (3) Increase profits

Section 2: How should we develop the program? (1) Survey guests by location (2) Project all costs

1. Overhead 2. Awards 3. Research and development 4. Start-up

(3) Study competitors’ programs 1. Hilton 2. Holiday Inn 3. Best Western 4. Hyatt

Section 3: How can we implement the program? (1) Start with a pilot program

1. Implement at three Oregon resorts 2. Monitor effectiveness 3. Run test for 12 months

(2) Implement at other hotels gradually (3) Conduct follow-up surveys on programs every quarter

Conclusion: Summarize points, request action, and provide contact information.

Figure 7 Message Organization in Outline Format

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 115

Letting Go

Probably the most important thing to remember about drafting is to just let go—let your ideas flow as quickly as possible, without worrying about style, correctness, or format. Separate the drafting stage from the revising stage. Al- though some people revise as they create, most find it easier to first get their ideas down in rough-draft form, and then revise. It’s much easier to polish a page full of writing than a page full of nothing. As one writing authority has noted,

Writing is art. Rewriting is craft. Mix the two at your peril. If you let your inner editor . . . into the process too early, it’s liable to overpower your artist, blocking your creative fl ow.6

So avoid moving from author to editor too quickly. Your fi rst draft is just that— a draft. Don’t expect perfection, and don’t strive for it. Instead, write in narrative form all the points you identifi ed in the planning stage.

Do not combine drafting and revising. They involve two separate skills and two separate mindsets.

Employ the power of positive thinking: you can write well!

Figure 8 Direct and Indirect Introductory Paragraphs

Direct Approach

Background: The VP is experienced and respects you.

The purpose of this memo is to recommend implementing a frequent-stay plan for a 12-month test period in our three Oregon resorts. This recommendation is based on our competitors’ policies and the costs and benefits of instituting a loyalty program. Implementing a similar program will keep us competitive in the Oregon market and may significantly increase guest loyalty and profits. In this memo, I’ll discuss why we should establish a frequent-stay program, how we should develop the program, and how we can implement the program for our guests.

Indirect Approach

Background: The VP is new and doesn’t know you well.

A recent Wall Street Journal article discusses four small hotels that have started frequent-stay plans. I became interested in this idea for Seaside and would like to share with you my research about these programs. My research shows that 77% of our competitors have a frequent-stay program, and a recent survey shows that nearly half of the 5,000 respondents choose specific hotels (even if they are more expensive) in order to accrue hotel loyalty points. In this memo, I’ll describe frequent-stay plans and then analyze the costs and benefits for Seaside. After reviewing this information, I hope that you will consider piloting a frequent-stay program at our three Oregon resorts.

Purpose statement

Main points

Preview of topics to

be covered

Purpose statement

Preview of topics to be

covered

Main point

© CENGAGE LEARNING 2013

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills116

Overcoming Writer’s Block

If a report is due in fi ve weeks, some managers (and students) spend four weeks worrying about the task and one week (or less!) actually writing the report. Simi- larly, when given 45 minutes to write an email, some people spend 35 minutes anxiously staring at a blank screen and 10 minutes actually writing. These people are experiencing writer’s block—the inability to focus on the writing process and to draft a message. Typical causes of writer’s block follow:

• Procrastination: Putting off what we dislike doing.

• Impatience: Getting bored with the naturally slow pace of the writing process.

• Perfectionism: Believing that our draft must be perfect the fi rst time.

Once these factors interfere with creativity, writers may start to question their ability, which makes it even harder to tackle writing.

Try the strategies in Figure 9 for avoiding writer’s block at least once; then build into your writing routine those strategies that work best for you. Just as different athletes and artists use different strategies for accomplishing their goals, so do different writers. There is no one best way, so choose what works best for you.

Business writers usually have a built-in purpose for writing something, so the writing process may come more easily.

Figure 9 Strategies for Overcoming Writer’s Block

State your purpose in writing.

Schedule a reasonable block of time.

Minimize distractions.

Choose the right environment. Write freely.

Think out loud.

Avoid perfectionism.

Write the easiest parts first.

3

2

1

4

5

6

7

8

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 117

Writing for Different Media

In Chapter 1, we discussed several options for conveying your message. How you draft your message depends on which medium you choose. In this chapter, we’ll look at writing guidelines for four typical media choices for business communica- tion: email, memos, letters, and the Internet.

Writing Email Messages Email is so pervasive in organizations that many people don’t consider it writing— but of course it is. In business, emails can be one-word confi rmations or longer messages with attachments. Email is the default communication choice in many organizations, with middle managers receiving about 100 messages a day.7,8 With people receiving so many messages, how you write emails will determine whether yours are read and understood.

Emails tend to be more concise and—even if sent outside the organization—are often less formal than letters. Here are a few guidelines for drafting email messages:

• Follow your company’s standards for salutations. Use “Dear,” “Hi,” “Hello,” or “Good morning” as salutations, depending on what people in your organiza- tion typically use. If you’re writing an email to a prospective employer, err on the side of formality with “Dear Ms. Unger,” followed by a comma. Although a comma after “Hi” as in, “Hi, Jasmine,” is technically correct, you may fi nd that few people in your company use this as a convention. Also, most people will skip the salutation (and signature) after one round of emails. It’s silly to continue using someone’s name for quick response emails.

• Use a descriptive, attention-grabbing subject line, such as those in Figure 10. Re- search tells us people often delete or read email based on the subject line alone.9

• Don’t copy the world. People already receive too many emails, so be respectful and copy only those people who need to know about your message. Consider the people who are copied as your secondary audience, and adjust your mes- sage accordingly.

• Use “BCC” (blind computer copy) sparingly. In some organizations, using BCC to send people a copy of your email without others knowing about it is considered sneaky. This can become an ethical issue—and can come back to bite you if the person on BCC replies to all. A better alternative is to be open about who else is seeing the message or, if you must, forward an email after it has been sent.

• Keep emails short. Some managers believe emails should be no longer than what fi ts on a desktop computer screen; others think anything more than a paragraph is too much, particularly for emails received on smartphones. For messages longer than about 300 words, use attachments instead.

• Keep paragraphs short. You may lose your audience with dense paragraphs in email. Keep them shorter—even single-sentence paragraphs are acceptable in email—to improve readability.

Follow your organization’s conventions for email.

“EOM” in the subject line indicates “end of message,” so the reader doesn’t have to open the message.10

is e

is

ed h ed

Ethics in Communication

Uncommon Goods, the gifts cataloger, uses catchy subject lines to distinguish their emails from the rest. “Don’t lick this email” encouraged readers to open the message and fi nd delicious-looking parfaits.11

Here are more examples of clear, specifi c subject lines:

• Today’s meeting changed from 3:00 to 3:30 p.m. (EOM) • Need your input on the proposal revisions by 7/14 • Do you want to include Marjorie in the meeting? • Customer has a question about shipping fees • Revised performance objectives for your approval

Figure 10 Descriptive Email Subject Lines

Communication Technologies

C i

E hi

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills118

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

From: Keith Stapleton To: Maureen Withers

Subject: Question

Hey Maureen!

Your bio looks teeny-tiny compared to the others. Time is short, so we need to get a rewrite if you want to. Please send this to me ASAP!

If you want to see an example of another speaker’s bio, just let me know!

Keith

***********************************

Keith Stapleton

Depending on your relationship, this salutation may be too informal for a

professional email.

“Send” could be more specific—how should the revised bio be delivered?

The reader will likely want to see an example, so the sender can save time by

sending it as an attachment.

Uses a busy, incomplete signature line.

The description could be more specific. Will the

reader know the context of this message?

ASAP is not a specific deadline and may mean

something different to the reader than to the sender.

The email includes too many exclamation marks.

The message isn’t all that exciting.

• Make emails skimmable. Particularly for email, which people read quickly, make sure your main points are clear and up front. Bulleted lists are common in email.

• Use an appropriate tone. Emails can be formal or informal. Typically, more formal emails are sent to people you don’t know well or those far more senior to you in an organization.

• Provide context. Initiating an email and responding to one require differ- ent approaches. When you initiate an email, provide enough context for the reader, just as you would in a memo or letter. Although email is fast, we still need to consider—and clearly communicate—our purpose for writing. When responding, consider including parts of the original email so that the receiver understands your reply.

• Follow conventions for closings and signatures. Similar to salutations, use standard phrases that refl ect your organization’s culture. See what other people use, for example, “I hope all is well,” or “Please let me know if you have any questions.” Before you type your name at the end of the email, include a brief closing. For more formal emails, end with “Best regards,” “Regards,” “All the best,” or simply “Best.” For less formal emails, you may simply write, “Thanks” or nothing before your name. In some organizations or departments, people may omit their name entirely—it just depends on the culture.

• Use a signature line. You may set up a personalized signature line for emails that you send. Typically, this includes your name, title, company, and possibly your phone number. If your company has guidelines, follow what’s required. If not, keep your signature line simple and professional: avoid fancy fonts, colors, and backgrounds for business email.

Compare the emails in Figures 11 and 12 to see how these criteria are met.

EmaEmaililil

Figure 11 Poorly Written Email

© CENGAGE LEARNING 2013

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 119

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print

Email

From:

To:

Subject: Need More Detailed Bio by FridayUses a clear, specific subject line.

Uses a greeting that is standard within

the company.

Provides specific suggestions in bullets so

they are easy to skim.

Gives clear instructions: email by Friday.

Includes a simple, standard closing.

Uses a professional signature line.

Includes information that is useful to complete

the request.

Provides context for the request.

Gives a rationale for the deadline.

In addition to conforming to organizational norms for email, you should pay attention to variations by country and region. Cultural differences discussed in Chapter 2 are as apparent in email messages as in any business communication. For example, in cultures that emphasize relationships rather than tasks, you may see longer emails with more personal information. Although an email from a U.S. manager may jump right into the main point, an email from a Latin American manager may start with a longer introduction about the weather or an update about the family.

Email presents many challenges for communication—and cultural differences add even more possibilities for misunderstandings.

Writing Memos Email has replaced almost all memos—written messages to people within an organization. Today, memos are reserved for more formal messages that are longer than one page (and are attached to short emails) or for short messages that serve as cover notes (and are attached to printed material), as in the example in

International Communication

EmaEmaililil

Figure 12 Well-Written Email

© CENGAGE LEARNING 2013

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills120

Figure 13. In some organizations, memos also may be printed for employees who do not have regular access to a computer at work; however, email messages may be printed for this purpose as well. See the Reference Manual for an example of a longer memo.

Writing Letters Letters are written to people outside your organization and are reserved for formal communication. In your business career, you may write cover letters for jobs, sales letters to customers, proposal letters to accompany external reports, or thank-you letters to donors, such as the example in Figure 14.

Because letters are for external audiences, a more formal approach is appropriate:

• Use block or modifi ed block format (see the Reference Manual for samples) with your return address and the date.

• Use a formal salutation, typically, “Dear Mr. Patel,” followed by a colon (although commas are often used).

• Print your letter on company stationery or with an image of the company’s logo. Many organizations will provide image fi les for you to paste into a document online.

• Use a more formal approach, with longer paragraphs (typically 3–7 sentences) and few bulleted lists.

Reserve letters for formal communication outside the company.

To: Store Managers

From: Andrea Jewel, CEO

Subject: Spring Catalog

Date: February 8, 2013

Attached is a preview copy of our spring catalog. I’m very proud of our Design Team, who created a beautiful representation of Aggresshop’s most unique clothing and accessories.

You will receive 100 copies of the catalog in your store by February 20. If you would like more than 100 copies, please contact Maryanne ([email protected]) by Friday, February 15.

Catalogs will be shipped to customers on February 22—one week earlier this year in response to your requests.

Best of luck for a successful spring season.

Is printed on paper with a company logo.

Includes standard memo heading with the writer’s initials.

Refers to attached printed materials (a good reason to

send a printed memo).

Includes information related to the printed catalogs; this also may be sent by email.

Asks for feedback by email, which is the more typical

communication medium for the company.

Closes on a positive note.

Figure 13 Sample Short Cover Memo

C O

U R

T E

S Y

O F

A M

Y N

E W

M A

N

January 18, 2013

Mrs. Florence E. Banks PO Box 820 Lido Beach, NY 11561

Dear Mrs. Banks:

Thank you for your donation of $35 to The Guidance Center for Winter Family Day at Parents Place, which was held on Saturday, January 14. The freezing temperatures out- side didn’t put a chill on the smiles, laughs, and good times inside. Over 50 families joined in the celebration with musical performances by Marc “The Music Man” Jacoby and Miss Rhea. Talented volunteers did face painting, tattooing, and arts and crafts, and two young magicians amazed the crowd with tricks of wonder, letting the kids get into the act.

Your generosity will help make it possible for The Guidance Center to continue to improve the well-being of people of all ages through innovative and effective programs that enable everyone to learn, work, and thrive.

Winter Family Day helped everyone beat the winter blues while introducing new friends to all that Parents Place has to offer. For more information on Parents Place, please call 914-948-5187 or email [email protected].

Sincerely,

Laura Newman Director of Development

Includes the organization’s logo at the top, typically

placed at left or centered.

Uses block letter format, with the date and receiver’s

address aligned left.

Uses the standard address format with the

receiver’s full name.

Uses a formal salutation (appropriate for the audience)

followed by a colon.

States the main point up front, which is appropriate

for this situation.

Provides details about the event to personalize

the letter.

Reinforces the importance of donations.

Provides contact information.

Uses a standard closing, signature, name, and title.

70 GRAND STREET NEW ROCHELLE, NY 10801 914.636.4440 WWW.theguidancecenter.org

Includes the organization’s address, which is sometimes

at the top of the letter.

Sincerely,

L N

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 121

Figure 14 Sample Letter

Communication Technologies

• Use a professional closing, such as “Sincerely” or “Regards,” and then leave a few lines to sign your name above your full typed name. Your title and division may follow your name.

Writing for the Web Web writing takes many forms for business communication: websites, blogs, tweets, Facebook pages, and more. Here, we’ll focus on writing for company websites and blogs.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills122

Static websites, intended only for people to retrieve information, can be use- ful but are least ideal for business communication. Effective online communication from companies today has less writing and includes more interactivity—if not social media functionality, then other ways to connect with customers.

Less text is preferable for websites. Typically, people scan web pages, so putting main points in prominent positions—at the top of the page—is critical. Bulleted text, short sentences and paragraphs, simple words, and links to more information will keep your reader engaged rather than overwhelmed.

You can see that the Room & Board website (Figure 15), as a sales and mar- keting tool, is visually appealing and allows customers to fi nd information they need easily. On this site, customers can shop for furniture and accessories, fi nd a store, get customer service information, and learn about the company. But you won’t fi nd long blocks of text on this site—only engaging graphics and useful content.

Blogs use far more text than websites and typically allow for customer comments. Although many opinion blogs include longer articles, company blogs—designed to engage customers—more often include short posts or blurbs of information. The writing style for Southwest’s popular “Nuts About Southwest” blog is concise and

© H

A N

D O

U T

/M C

T /N

E W

S C

O M

Figure 15 Room & Board Website

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 123

HAPPY EARTH DAY

Engages the viewer with bold graphics and a theme.

Makes it easy to share the post.

Personalizes the entries from real people who work at

Southwest.

Uses a conversational style, which is appropriate for the company’s culture—and for

web writing.

Integrates Twitter stream for a more seamless presence

on the web.

Figure 16 Nuts About Southwest Blog

quite personal (Figure 16). This approach is most likely to encourage interactivity with customers, which we discussed in Chapter 3.

Concise writing, short paragraphs, and a conversational style are hallmarks of writing for the web. Well-written web pages are highly skimmable, with graphics, headings, bullets, and links to encourage people to read more or visit other parts of the company’s website.

REVISING Revising refers to modifying a message to make improvements. Having the raw material—your fi rst draft—in front of you, you can now refi ne it into the most effective message possible, considering its importance and your time constraints.

If possible, put your draft away for some time—the longer the better. This break helps you distance yourself from your writing. If you revise immediately, you’ll re- member what you meant to say rather than what you actually wrote, which may prevent you from spotting errors.

For important writing projects, solicit comments about your draft from col- leagues as part of the revision process. This step may prevent embarrassment for you and your company.

Although we have discussed revising as the fourth step of the writing process, it involves several substeps. Revise fi rst for content, then for style, and fi nally for correctness.

Revising for Content

After an appropriate time interval, fi rst reread your purpose statement and then the entire draft to get an overview of your message. Ask yourself such questions as these:

• Is the content appropriate for the purpose I’ve identifi ed?

• Will the purpose of the message be clear to the reader?

Revise for content, style, and correctness.

Ensure that all needed information—and only needed information—is included.

© S

O U

T H

W E

S T

A IR

L IN

E S

C O

R P

O R

A T

E

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills124

• Have I been sensitive to how the reader might react?

• Is all the information necessary?

• Is important information missing?

• Is the order of my main points logical?

Although you may be proud of your fi rst draft, don’t be afraid of making changes to improve your writing—even if it means striking out whole sections and starting again from scratch. The goal is to produce the best possible message.

Revising for Style

Next, read each paragraph again (aloud, if possible). Reading aloud gives you a feel for the rhythm and fl ow of your writing. Long sentences that made sense as you wrote them may leave you out of breath when you read them aloud.

Revising for Correctness

The fi nal phase of revising is editing, ensuring that the writing conforms to stan- dard English. Editing involves checking for correctness—identifying problems with grammar, spelling, punctuation, and word usage. Unfortunately, you can’t rely solely on your computer’s grammar and spell checker. These tools aren’t 100% accurate, and they miss the context of your writing. Take responsibility to catch your own errors that may refl ect negatively on your credibility or cause misunder- standings, as we saw in the introduction to this chapter.

PROOFREADING Proofreading is the fi nal quality-control check for your message. A reader may not know whether an incorrect word resulted from a simple typo or from the writer’s ignorance of correct usage. And even one such error can have adverse effects. In the Boston Herald, Continental Airlines advertised one-way fares from Boston to Los Angeles for $48, although the actual one-way fare was $148. That typographical error cost Continental $4 million: it sold 20,000 round-trip tickets at a loss of $200 each.12

Make sure your fi nal product is the best possible refl ection of you. Proofread for content, typographical, and formatting errors.

• Content Errors: First, read through your message quickly, checking for content errors. Was any material omitted unintentionally? As you revise, you may move, delete, or duplicate text. Check to be sure that your message makes sense.

• Typographical Errors: Next, read through your message slowly, checking for typographical errors. Look carefully for these hard-to-spot errors:

Look for Hard-to-Spot Errors

• Misused words that spellcheckers won’t fl ag—for example, “I took the data form last month’s report.”

• Repeated or omitted words, such as articles (the, a, an). • Proper names and numbers. • Titles and headings, particularly if you use “all caps,” which some

spellcheckers skip (although you can change this option).

• Formatting Errors: Visually inspect the message for appropriate format. Are all the parts included and in the correct position? Does the message look attractive on the page or online?

See the Language Arts Basics section of the Reference Manual for guidelines.

Proofread your message.

Typographical errors may refl ect negatively on your credibility.

125CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process

Use these tips to catch more errors in your writing:

Catch More Errors

• Proofread in print—never on the computer screen. • Print on yellow or pink paper to see your work differently. • Wait a few hours or overnight after your last revision before you start

proofreading. • Use a ruler to guide and slow down your eyes as you proofread. • Read backwards, one sentence at a time.

After you make changes, be sure to proofread again. By correcting one mis- take, you might inadvertently introduce another. You’re fi nished proofreading only when you read through the entire message without making any changes.

The Checklist for the Writing Process summarizes the fi ve steps discussed in this chapter.

1. Audience Analysis

Who is the primary audience?

What is your relationship with the audience?

How will the audience likely react?

What does the audience already know?

What is unique about the audience?

2. Planning

Determine the specifi c purpose of the message. What response do you want from the reader?

Determine what information to include in the message, given its purpose and your analysis of the audience.

Organize the information according to the reader’s expected reaction:

Direct approach (expected positive or neu- tral reaction): present the major idea fi rst, followed by supporting details.

Indirect approach (expected negative reaction): present the reasons fi rst, fol- lowed by the major idea.

3. Drafting

Choose a productive work environment, and schedule a reasonable block of time to devote to the drafting phase.

Let your ideas fl ow as quickly as possible, without worrying about style, correctness, or format. If helpful, write the easiest parts fi rst.

Do not expect a perfect fi rst draft; avoid the urge to revise at this stage.

If possible, leave a time gap between writing and revising the draft.

4. Revising

Revise for content: check for unneces- sary information, omitted information, and organization.

Revise for style: try reading your message aloud.

Revise for correctness: use correct grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and word choice (see the Reference Manual).

5. Proofreading

Proofread for content, typographical, and formatting errors.

126 PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills

Responding to the Embarrassing Sign at a National Fast-Food Restaurant

Purpose Imagine that you own the restaurant where the embarrassing sign appeared in the win- dow (described in the chapter introduction). The sign was posted at about noon, but you didn’t see it until 2:00 p.m. because you were visiting one of your other locations. As soon as you see the sign, you remove it, but the damage has been done: when you check your email, you see this message from a local reporter.

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

From: Carla Rubio To: Courtney Miller

Subject: Sign on Restaurant Window

The Treleaven Weekly has a photo of a grammatically incorrect sign from the restaurant window, and we’re planning a short article in tomorrow’s paper. As the store owner, would you like to comment on this?

If so, please email your response to me by 5:00 p.m. today.

Carla Rubio, Staff Reporter

You decide to respond so that the article will include your perspective.

Process

1. What is the purpose of your message? To restore the restaurant’s credibility.

2. Describe your primary audience. Carla Rubio, the reporter. She is on a deadline and wants my perspective for a well- balanced story.

3. Do you have a secondary audience for your email? If so, describe this group. Yes, current and potential customers are my secondary audience. Customers may or may not have seen the sign, but those who did may have found it appalling or funny. The public is another audience—people who may never eat at the restaurant but may form a negative impression about the company because of this incident.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

127CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process

4. Considering your purpose, what are your main points for the response to the reporter?

• Thank her for the opportunity to respond.

• Express my concern about the situation, but encourage readers (customers and the public) to keep the sign in perspective—try not to make this a bigger deal than it is already.

• Assure readers that the company takes literacy seriously.

• Explain a plan for improving employees’ writing skills.

• Assure readers that the restaurant is open, and the meat supply is restocked.

5. What medium will you use for your message? I’ll reply to the reporter’s email, as she requested. If I don’t get a confi rmation by 4:30 p.m., I will call her to make sure she received it in time.

Product

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

From: Courtney Miller To: Carla Rubio

Subject: Re: Sign on Restaurant Window

Dear Carla,

Thank you for the opportunity to contribute to this article. Of course, I’m embarrassed by the sign and hope the careless writing by one employee doesn’t reflect poorly on the company. We pride ourselves on clear communication with our customers, and this example doesn’t meet our standards. As a company, we care about literacy and plan to offer our employees workshops on fundamental writing skills.

We also assure our customers that we are open and that our full menu is available. We invite people back to the restaurant.

Thank you,

Courtney Miller

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills128

Announcing Writing Skills Workshops

Purpose After the embarrassing sign incident at the restaurant you own, you decide to offer employees a six-week fundamental writing skills workshop. A local business com- munication instructor, who has experience teaching writing skills at Treleaven Com- munity College, will facilitate the sessions. To encourage employees to attend these optional sessions, write an email that explains why you’re offering the workshop and why employees should participate.

Process

1. What is the purpose of your message?

2. Describe your audience.

3. How will you explain why you’re offering the workshop? What background informa- tion will you include—without embarrassing any particular employee?

4. How will you encourage employees to participate? Consider workshop topics that might interest them and how employees will benefi t from participating.

5. What logistical information will you include? What do employees need to know about the schedule, enrollment process, etc.? (You may invent details.)

6. What will you use as your subject line?

Product Prepare an email message to employees.

129CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process

Summary

Analyze the audience for your communication.

Before writing, carefully analyze your audience. Identify who the audience is (both primary and secondary), determine what the audience already knows, consider your relationship with the audience, anticipate the audience’s likely reaction, and identify any unique characteristics of the audience.

Plan the purpose, content, and organization of your message.

Identify the general purpose and then the specifi c purpose of your message. Based on your audience analysis, determine what information to include and in what order. Determine whether a direct or indirect organizational plan is more likely to achieve your goals.

Compose the fi rst draft of your message.

Select an appropriate environment for drafting, and schedule enough time. Concentrate on getting the information down without worrying about style, correctness, or format. Leave a time gap between writing and revising the draft. Adjust your writing for different media. Follow organizational conventions for email, write memos for longer messages and when email is not practical, use a more formal style for letters, and work toward interactivity for the Internet.

Revise for content, style, and correctness.

Revise fi rst for content to determine whether the right amount of information is included in a logical order. Then revise for style to ensure that your message reads well for your audience. Finally, revise for correctness, being sure to avoid any errors in grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and word choice.

Proofread your message.

Read through your message carefully to catch content, typographical, and formatting errors.

Exercises

1. Complete an audience analysis of housekeeping staff.

Imagine that you work for a small, independent hotel. Management has decided to change housekeepers’ hours from 8:00 a.m.–4:00 p.m. to 8:30 a.m.–4:30 p.m. Using the fi ve audience analysis questions in Figure 2, analyze the housekeeping staff. How does your analysis affect your approach for communicating the message?

2. Analyze an instructor as the audience.

If you were a business communication instructor and received this email from a student, how would you react? Analyze your instructor as an audience for this

Analyze the audience for your communication.

SSuummmmmmaarrry

EExxeercciiseesss

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills130

student’s message, and consider changes the student might make to achieve his or her purpose.

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

From: Misguided Student To: Business Communication Instructor

Date: March 4, 1 a.m. Subject: Need Assignment Help

Hey prof,

How long should assignment 4 be? I know you said it’s an email to a cus- tomer about a late order shipment, but I don’t know what you want. Please email me back soon since it’s due tomorrow.

Thanks!!

3. Discuss a company’s public statement.

When Bank of America was criticized for using “robo-signers” (employees who signed hundreds of foreclosure documents a day without reading them), the company issued this statement:

Bank of America has extended our review of foreclosure documents to all fi fty states. We will stop foreclosure sales until our assessment has been satisfacto- rily completed. Our ongoing assessment shows the basis for our past foreclo- sure decisions is accurate. We continue to serve the interests of our customers, investors and communities. Providing solutions for distressed homeowners remains our primary focus.13

Critics said that robo-signers—without properly reviewing documents—determined whether people would lose their homes. Critics also said this was unfair and may have forced some people to leave their homes unnecessarily. In small groups, identify and analyze the audience for the company’s statement, which was published on the Bank of America website. Who are the company’s primary and secondary audiences for the statement? How appropriate is the wording, considering the situation?

4. Evaluate audience focus in a company message.

After the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, Bob Dudley was appointed as British Petroleum’s fi rst American CEO. In a speech to business leaders in London, Dudley said the follow- ing in his closing comments:

Conclusion I will conclude with one related observation about this last aspect of the crisis, the political and media attention it generated.

Over 87 days as the oil kept fl owing into the ocean, it frequently felt as if we were the only story on the news, 24/7. I have seen fi gures that in some months fully 30% of the 24-hour news coverage was devoted to the incident.14

He went on to say the following:

As I said at the outset, this was a human tragedy and a terrible event with major environmental and economic impacts. It was an accident from which we must and will learn.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 131

We were certainly not perfect in our response. But we have tried to do the right thing, and we are making signifi cant changes to our organisation as a result of the accident.15

Some people criticized the conclusion of Dudley’s speech, believing Dudley attacked the media rather than taking full responsibility for the oil spill.16 What do you think, based on this excerpt? Complete an analysis of Dudley’s primary and secondary audiences for the speech—business leaders and the public—and then discuss your assessment in small groups.

5. Identify general-purpose statements and communication objectives for several situations.

Read the following situations and write a general-purpose statement and a specifi c communication objective—the results you want—for each.

• As the manager of a small retail clothing store, you write an email to let employees know they’re getting a $1 per hour wage increase.

• As the assistant manager of a movie theater, you write an email to tell a customer you found the earring she lost the night before.

• As a newly hired advertising director, you write an email to the president of the company requesting a 10% increase in your advertising budget.

• As a CEO, you write a blog post on your investor website about your company’s falling stock price.

• As a marketing manager, you write a letter to customers announcing a new prod- uct that will be available in your store starting next month.

• As a student, you write a letter to your college newspaper editor about the increase in tuition costs.

• As a warehouse manager, you write an email to an employee about the facility being left unlocked last night.

6. Plan the organization of messages.

For the situations in Exercise 5, imagine what the audience reaction might be and whether a direct or an indirect organizational plan would be better. Explain your answers.

7. Brainstorm new ice cream fl avors.

Working in groups of three or four—without censoring your ideas—come up with as many new ice cream fl avors as you can. Make a list of all the suggestions, and then share your list with the other groups in the class. How does your list compare to the other groups’ lists? How big is the combined list? Which group generated the most ideas? What do they believe contributed to their success?

8. Organize a restaurant review.

Prepare to write a review of a restaurant or a dining facility on campus. Use the process outlined in this chapter:

• Brainstorm ideas. What do you think is important to include in your review? Draw a mind map.

• Create a hierarchy of ideas. How will you organize your main and supporting points?

• Develop an outline. Write a more detailed, sequential plan for your restaurant review.

Notice the British spelling of “organisation.”

Plan the purpose, content, and organization of your message.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills132

9. Write a draft restaurant review.

Now that you have your outline for Exercise 8, draft your restaurant review. Practice free writing for this activity to avoid moving to the revision stage too quickly. Don’t worry about formatting for this exercise; just practice moving from an outline to a written document.

10. Write a draft email to the sales team at Herman Miller.

Using the principles discussed for effective email communication, write a draft email to a team of sales associates. Imagine that you work for Herman Miller, a company that sells high-end offi ce furniture. Today, the associates typically make phone calls and send online brochures to prospective clients. You believe that you can increase sales if the associates make personal visits instead. In your email, encourage associates to visit at least three businesses each week.

Use a respectful, encouraging tone, and provide enough reasons to convince the sales associates that personal visits will increase business. Invent whatever details you need to make your email realistic.

11. Write a company memo to announce a new organizational structure.

Imagine that you have just purchased a company and have brought in an entirely new management team—fi ve of your classmates. In a separate message to employees, you have communicated the rationale for the changes. Now, you would like to introduce your new team to the rest of the organization.

Write a two-page memo. After a brief introduction, in which you refer to previous com- munications about the change, include a short paragraph (about 50 words) for the fi ve new executive team members. In each paragraph, include the following information: executive’s name, new title, and previous experience. You may invent whatever details you would like.

12. Format a letter.

You have just fi nished collecting donations for the American Cancer Society. To thank people for donating, you will send individual letters. Using guidelines in the Reference Manual, format your letter. You do not need to write the letter; just create the template with the date, addresses, salutation, and closing. You may create your own letterhead or use a standard return address.

13. Write blog posts.

Imagine that you work for Southwest Airlines and have been asked to write a few entries on their Nuts About Southwest blog. Write three short posts (about 50 words each). Write one post about a recent national holiday, one post to encourage viewers to visit your website, and one post to link to a recent news story about the company.

14. Revise your email to sales associates at Herman Miller.

Revise your draft email to Herman Miller sales associates (from Exercise 10). What changes will you make to improve the message? Follow these steps for the revision process:

a. Read the email once, revising for content. Make sure that all needed information is included, no unneeded information is included, and the information is presented in a logical sequence.

b. Read the email a second time, revising for style. Make sure that the words, sentences, paragraphs, and overall tone are appropriate.

c. Read the email a third time, revising for correctness. Make sure that grammar, mechanics, punctuation, and word choice are error free.

Compose the fi rst draft of your message.

Revise for content, style, and correctness.

CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process 133

15. Revise another student’s Herman Miller email.

Exchange draft Herman Miller emails with other students in class (so that you’re not revising the paper of the person who is revising yours). Using the process described in Exercise 14, revise the other student’s message, and then return the paper to the writer with your changes.

16. Revise a previous message.

Bring in a one-page message (email, memo, or letter) you have written in the past. Exchange papers with other students (so that you’re not revising the paper of the per- son who is revising yours). Spend a few minutes asking the writer to give you back- ground information about the message: purpose, audience, and so on. Then, follow the three-step revision process described in Exercise 14.

Return the paper to the writer. Then, using the revisions of your paper as a guide only (after all, you are the author), prepare a fi nal version of the message. Submit both the marked-up version and the fi nal version of your paper to your instructor.

17. Revise an email gone wrong.

When you read this email, you’ll know that it was sent in anger. (This is adapted from a real email for a similar situation.)

First, discuss the issues in class. What went wrong? How would the audience (university employees) likely have reacted to this message? What was the intended communication objective? Did it likely achieve that objective?

Next, revise the message. The request is legitimate, but the approach and tone are not. Also consider the timing. How much time will people need to fi le or delete messages from their inboxes (probably more than one day)?

Finally, compare your version with two others in class. How do they differ? What are the best parts of each version?

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

From: IT Department To: All Employees

Subject: Big Problem with Email

Hi Everyone,

You all obviously have no respect for our email system. Your inboxes are much too big, and we are often having to recover lost information. I have better things to do! Also, big inboxes slow down the server.

Starting tomorrow, we will check all inboxes. If you have more than 250 messages, then your inbox will be temporarily removed, and you’ll have to follow instructions in order to get it back.

This is easy to avoid! Just take a few precious minutes out of each day, and move emails to folders where they belong ... or delete them.

Jack

P.S. Congratulations, Corey Shields, you have the biggest inbox with 6,921 messages.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills134

18. Revise another email gone wrong.

Another angry writer sent the email below to employees of a news agency. (This is adapted from a real message—and the original was much longer.) Use the same process as above to revise this email.

First, discuss the issues in class. What went wrong? How would the audience likely have reacted to this message? What was the intended communication objective? Did it likely achieve that objective?

Next, revise the message. The purpose is legitimate: to improve how people fi le expense reports. But the approach and tone could be much improved.

Finally, compare your version with two others in class. How do they differ? What are the best parts of each version?

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

From: Zach Frazier To: All SF Employees

Subject: Expense Reports

I’m looking at your recent expense reports, and it’s making me crazy. I’m finding expensive cab rides and meals, late reports, and other annoyances that need to be fixed. Why take a cab for $25 when you can take a shuttle instead for less than half that?

I don’t have time to send emails individually, so here’s the line-up of problems.

Sam: Why take a $30 taxi to the hotel when there’s a subway? $59 to the airport is too much when the subway costs $5.

Peter: $72 for lunch is too high. Three people? Still too high. Two people? Obscenely high ... What’s the $116 for Toffer? You’re wasting money on these people.

Jon: Read the policy. Max for cell phone is $50, not $67.

Melissa: What office are you in? You can’t tell from the blank space on your report. ... We DON’T SEND thank-you cards. What a waste. Also, the report needs your manager’s approval ... and the report should be stapled in the upper corner, not at the bottom.

Martha: Tip is too high. NEVER EVER pay over 15%.

Nellie: Calendar charge? NOT IN THE POLICY!

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

135CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process

19. Proofread a letter.

Assume that you are Michael Land, and you wrote and typed the following letter. Proof- read the letter, using the line numbers to indicate the position of each error. Proofread for content, typographical errors, and format. For each error, indicate by a “yes” or “no” whether the error would have been identifi ed by a computer’s spelling checker. How many errors can you fi nd?

1. April 31 2011

2. Mr. Thomas Johnson, Manger

3. JoAnn @ Friends, Inc.

4. 1323 Charleston Avenue

5. Minneapolis, MI 55402

6. Dear Mr. Thomas:

7. As a writing consultant, I have often aksed aud-

8. iences to locate all teh errors in this letter.

9. I am allways surprized if the fi nd all the errors.

10. The result being that we all need more practical

11. advise in how to proof read.

12. To aviod these types of error, you must ensure that

13. that you review your documents carefully. I have

14. preparred the enclosed exercises for each of you

15. to in your efforts at JoAnne & Freinds, Inc.

16. Would you be willing to try this out on you own

17. workers and let me know the results.

18. Sincerly Yours

19. Mr. Michael Land,

20. Writing Consultant

Proofread your message.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills136

20. Proofread a job posting.

Review this passage, and see how many errors you can fi nd. Look for spelling, format-

ting, and punctuation errors.

Finance Management Trainee

Program Overview Bank on Me; a financial services company based in NYC; is now recruit a select number of candidates for its finance management training program. This is a comprehensive two year financial training program to provyde you with experience in the magor financial areas of the bank.

In addition to ongoing classroom training, the trainees complete projects in one or more of the following area:

Analyzing and reporting on internal operations Forecasting financial trends Developing models and performing financial analyze of investments Supporting the corporations internal planning and management accounting functions Prepare external reports for shareholders and regulatory authorities Providing guidance on acounting policy issues and/or taxation issues

Position Qualification

About Bank on Me Founded in 1964, Bank on Me offer consumer and commercial banking services in 630 branches throughout the North east U.S. We offer personal and busines checking accounts, loans, credet cards, and other financial products. We also provide home lons and assistance to commercial property owners and investors. At Bank on Me we prid ourselves on superior customer service and have won several service awards to demon- strates this commitment.

Contact Information Please send your cover letter and resume to the following: Marley Catona Recruting Officer Bank on Me 555 New York Ave. New York, NY 10022 ©

C E

N G

A G

E L

E A

R N

IN G

2 01

3

137CHAPTER 4 The Writing Process

Writeaway Hotels Imagine that you work for Writeaway Hotels as a catering director. If you had just 30 minutes between meetings to respond to an inbox full of email, how would you start? The Writeaway Hotels email and IM simulation allows you to practice the following skills:

• Reading and prioritizing email

• Making decisions about whether and how to respond to email

• Writing messages under pressure

• Evaluating the effectiveness of email you receive

Your instructor may assign a role for you to play from the Writeaway Hotels group.

Missed Conference Call Inbox | X

Diana to me

Pat,

Why weren’t you on the conference call this morning with Bill? We just talked about this yesterday, so I’m sure you knew about it. I was embarrassed that you weren’t on.

This brings up a bigger issue. I’m glad business is going so well for you and that you have a lot of new clients. But I’m starting to feel like I’m getting less attention now, and I want to make sure that we can maintain the good working relationship we’ve had in the past.

Diana

show details 8:51 AM (0 minutes ago) Reply

Checking In Inbox | X

Janet to me

Hello Pat,

I’m just checking in because I noticed that today is your one-year anniversary with us! How’s it going??

Janet

show details 8:58 AM (0 minutes ago) Reply

To practice drafting email messages, you can start by responding to these. If you were Pat Gibson and received these messages, how would you respond? The fi rst is from an upset client; the second is from your general manager.

© I S

T O

C K

P H

O T

O .C

O M

/S IR

IM O

C O

U R

T E

S Y

O F

A M

Y N

E W

M A

N

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills138

1. Shannon P. Duffy, “Attorney Hit With $6.6 Million Malpractice Verdict,” Law.com, April 23, 2007, www.law.com/jsp/article.jsp?id= 900005479433&slreturn=1&hbxlog, accessed July 29, 2010.

2. Dorothy Ferenbaugh, John Greenwald, Carol Fletcher, “How Does This #%*@! Thing Work? Instruction Manuals,” Time Magazine, June 18, 1984, www.time .com/time/magazine/article/ 0,9171,951198,00.html, accessed July 29, 2010.

3. “Report: States pay $221 million for bad writing,” Associated Press, July 4, 2005, www.msnbc.msn.com/ id/8459345/ns/us_news/t/report- states-pay-million-bad-writing/, accessed July 29, 2010.

4. “The, case, of, the, million, dollar, comma,” The Register, October 26, 2006, www.theregister .co.uk/2006/10/26/the_case_of_the_ million_dollar_comma/, accessed July 29, 2010.

5. Ryan Barnes, “The Fuel that Fed the Subprime Meltdown,” Investo- pedia, www.investopedia.com/ articles/07/subprime-overview .asp#axzz1PyMT3pZe, accessed November 27, 2010.

6. Marshall Cook, “Seven Steps to Better Manuscripts,” Writer’s Digest, September 1987, p. 30.

7. Offi ceTeam, “‘We Never Talk Any- more.’ Survey Reveals Few Ex- ecutives Use Telephone or Meet in Person at Work,” January 18, 2006, www.offi ceteam.com, accessed July 29, 2009.

8. Sara Radicati, “Business User Sur- vey, 2009,” The Radicati Group, Inc., http://www.radicati.com, accessed July 29, 2010.

9. EmailStatCenter, http://www .emailstatcenter.com/SubjectLines .html, accessed July 29, 2009.

10. David Shipley and Will Schwalbe, SEND: Why People Email So Badly and How to Do It Better, (New York: Knopf, 2008).

11. Sherry Chiger, “Emails We Love: The Subject Was Subject Lines,” The Big Fat Marketing Blog, July 23, 2010, http://bigfatmarketingblog. com/2010/07/23/emails-we-love- the-subject-was-subject-lines/, accessed July 28, 2010.

12. Julie Schmit, “Continental’s $4 Mil- lion Typo,” USA Today, May 25, 1993, p. B1.

13. Statement from Bank of America Home Loans, http://mediaroom .bankofamerica.com, accessed November 6, 2010.

14. Bob Dudley, Speech to CBI Annual Conference, British Petroleum, October 25, 2010, www.bp.com/ genericarticle.do?categoryId= 98&contentId=7065742, accessed November 3, 2010.

15. Bob Dudley, Speech to CBI Annual Conference, British Petroleum.

16. “Countdown with Keith Olber- mann,” MSNBC, “Worst Person In The World: Bob Dudley,” October 25, 2010.

NotesNNooteees

This page intentionally left blank

140

Choosing the Right Words (5) Write Clearly (5) Write

Concisely (5) Writing Effective Sentences (5) Use a

Variety of Sentence Types (5) Revising Your Writing (5) Use Active and Passive Voice Appropriately (5) Use Parallel Structure (5) Developing Logical Paragraphs (5) Keep

Paragraphs Unified and Coherent (5) Creating an Appropriate

Tone (5) Write Confidently (5) Use a Courteous and Sincere Tone

(5) Use Appropriate Emphasis and Subordination (5) Use Positive Language

Chapter 5

osing the Right rly (5) Write

“From a business

communication

standpoint,

less is more.” — GARY DAVIS,

VICE PRESIDENT OF CORPORATE COMMUNICATIONS,

WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT (STAMFORD, CONNECTICUT)

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

After you have fi nished this chapter,

you should be able to

Choose the right words for your message.

Write effective sentences.

Develop logical paragraphs.

Convey an appropriate tone.

141

Developing Your Business Writing Skills Part 2

Chapter Introduction: Business Communication at World Wrestling Entertainment

N o matter who manages to stay in the ring — or who lands outside —

Gary Davis uses positive language to describe the situation.

He is vice president of corporate communications for World

Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), which arranges more than 300 profes-

sional wrestling events every year worldwide.

Whether drafting a routine announcement or explaining the com-

pany’s response to an unexpected problem, the WWE executive empha-

sizes that “the key is to write as if the glass is half full. If

you do that, your message will come out positive.” Another way Davis

helps audiences grasp his meaning is by writing simply and concisely.

“Although it is very easy to overwrite, to say too much, to be too

flowery, this obscures what you’re trying to say,” he notes. “From a

business communication standpoint, less is more.”

Demonstrating the power of concrete, positive language, Davis

wrote a letter showcasing the Smackdown Your Vote! initiative.

The letter quoted WWE stars talk-

ing about registering young voters.

The result: Hundreds of thousands of

young voters are becoming involved

in the election process — and the WWE

is enhancing its credibility with

key audiences.

k

s.

f

d

E

h

At World Wrestling Entertainment, they know that the key to writing is using simple, concise language.

© E

T H

A N

M IL

L E

R /G

E T

T Y

I M

A G

E S

141

142 PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills

WHAT DO WE MEAN BY STYLE? If you study the six Language Arts Basics modules in the Reference Manual at the end of this book, you will know how to express yourself correctly in most business writing situations; that is, you will know how to avoid major errors in grammar, spelling, punctuation, and word usage. But a technically correct message may still not achieve its objective, because it may lack style.

By style, we mean how an idea is expressed (not its substance). Style consists of  words the writer uses and how those words are combined into sentences, paragraphs, and complete messages.

While writing the fi rst draft of a message, you should be more concerned with content than with style. Your major objective should be to get your ideas down in some form, without worrying about style and mechanics. (Mechanics are elements in communication that show up only in writing, for example, spelling, punctuation, abbreviations, capitalization, number expression, and word division.) Apply the principles of style shown in Figure 1 as you write messages that are assigned in later chapters and on the job.

See the Reference Manual for a review of Language Arts Basics (LAB) modules.

Your writing can be error free and still lack style, but it cannot have style unless it is error free.

Words ToneSentences Paragraphs

• Write confidently. • Use a courteous and sincere tone. • Use appropriate emphasis and subordination. • Use positive language. • Stress the “you” attitude.

• Write clearly. • Write concisely.

• Use a variety of sentence types. • Use active and passive voice appropriately. • Use parallel structure.

• Keep paragraphs unified and coherent. • Control paragraph length.

Figure 1 Principles of Style

CHOOSING THE RIGHT WORDS As the building blocks for writing, words can make or break your message. Clear, concise writing is essential for business communication.

Write Clearly

The most basic guideline for writing is to write clearly—to write messages the reader can understand and act on. You can achieve clarity by following these guidelines:

• Be accurate and complete.

• Use familiar words.

• Use specifi c, concrete language.

• Avoid dangling expressions.

• Avoid clichés, slang, and unnecessary jargon.

Choose the right words for your message.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 143

Ethics in Communication

Be Accurate and Complete Your credibility as a writer depends on the accuracy of your message. If a writer is careless, doesn’t prepare, or intentionally misleads the reader, the damage is immediate and long lasting.

These headlines use correct grammar, but are they accurate?1

Headlines Gone Wrong

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Accuracy means presenting information truthfully—and much more. For example, consider the following sentence from a memo to a fi rm’s investors:

The executive committee of Mitchell Financial Services met on Thursday, May 28, to determine how to resolve the distribution fi asco.

What if the reader knows that May 28 fell on a Wednesday this year—not on a Thursday? Immediately, the reader may suspect everything else in the message and think, “If the writer made this error that I did catch, how many errors that I didn’t catch are lurking there?”

Now consider more subtle shades of truth. The sentence implies that the committee met, perhaps in an emergency session, for the sole purpose of resolv- ing the distribution fi asco. But suppose this was only one of fi ve agenda items being discussed at a regularly scheduled meeting. Is the statement still accurate? Suppose the actual agenda listed the topic as “Discussion of Recent Distribution Problems.” Is fi asco the same as problems?

The accuracy of a message depends on what is said, how it is said, and what is left unsaid. Competent writers assess the ethical dimensions of their writing and use integrity, fairness, and good judgment to make sure their communication is ethical.

When the oil spill disaster in the Gulf of Mexico became public in 2010, Tony Hayward, former CEO of British Petroleum, said, “The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.”2 Hayward was highly criticized for this comment. Can you understand why?

Closely related to accuracy is completeness. A message that lacks important information may create inaccurate impressions. A message is complete when it contains all the information the reader needs—no more and no less—to react appropriately.

Use Familiar Words To make your message easy to understand, use words familiar to you and your readers. The expression “Write to express, not to impress” is a good guide for busi- ness communication.

A Princeton University study, “Consequences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity: Problems with Using Long Words Needlessly,” found that

Accuracy is critical in business writing. It involves more than freedom from errors.

Ethical communicators make sure the overall tone of their message is accurate.

Write to express, not to impress.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills144

undergraduates use more complex words in papers to sound more intelligent. However, according to the researcher, this strategy achieves the opposite effect:

It turns out that somewhere between two-thirds and three-quarters of people (depending on how you ask) admit to deliberately replacing short words with longer words in their writing in an attempt to sound smarter. . . . The problem is that this strategy backfi res—such writing is reliably judged to come from less intelligent authors.3

Of course, long words are sometimes useful in business communication and should be used when appropriate. The larger your vocabulary and the more you know about your reader, the better equipped you will be to choose and use correctly those words that are familiar to your reader.

Short and simple words are more likely to be understood, less likely to be mis- used, and less likely to distract the reader. Literary authors often write to impress; they select words to amuse, excite, or anger. Business writers, on the other hand, write to express; they want to achieve comprehension. They want their readers to focus on their information, not on how they convey their information. Using short, simple words helps achieve this goal.

NOT Our utilization of adulterated water precipitated the interminable delays.

BUT Our use of impure water caused the long delays.

Our guideline is not to use only short and simple words but to prefer short and simple words. (As Mark Twain, who was paid by the word for his writing, noted, “I never write metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city.”)

Here are some examples of needlessly long words, gleaned from various busi- ness documents, with their preferred shorter substitutes:

Long Short

ascertain learn

modifi cation change

endeavor try

substantial large

enumerate list

termination end

initiate start

utilization use

You may still use long words, but use them in moderation. And when a shorter alternative works just as well, choose that one for business writing.

Use Specifi c, Concrete Language In Chapter 1, we discussed the communication barriers caused by overabstraction and ambiguity. When possible, choose specifi c words (words that have a defi nite, unambiguous meaning) and concrete words (words that bring a defi nite picture to your reader’s mind).

NOT The vehicle broke down several times recently.

BUT The delivery van broke down three times last week.

In the fi rst version, what does the reader imagine when he or she reads the word vehicle—a golf cart? Automobile? Boat? Space shuttle? And how many times is several—two? Three? Fifteen? What is recently? The revision tells precisely what happened.

Use language that you and your reader understand.

NOT

BUT

More than 70% of the words in Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address (190 out of 267) are only one syllable long.

NOT

BUT

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 145

Sometimes we do not need such specifi c information. For example, in “The president answered several questions from the audience,” the specifi c number of questions is probably not important. But in most business situations, you should watch out for words like several, recently, a number of, substantial, a few, and a lot of. You may need to be more exact.

Concrete words give the reader a specifi c mental picture of what you mean. Compare these descriptions—and how persuasive each is.

Which is more specifi c and concrete?

“Friendly’s Mac & Cheese Quesadilla meal for kids has a lot of calories.”

“Friendly’s Mac & Cheese Quesadilla meal for kids has 2,270 calories—the equivalent of 45.5 Glazed Munchkins from Dunkin’ Donuts.”4

Of course, the version on the right is more specifi c and concrete, telling us the number of calories and comparing the meal to donuts. This description gives parents more information about a meal they may order for their child.

NOT The vice president was bored by the presentation.

BUT The vice president kept yawning and looking at her watch.

Bored is an abstract concept. “Yawning and looking at her watch” paints a more vivid picture.

Specifi c terms tell readers how to react. Watch out for terms like emotional meet- ing (anger or gratitude?), bright color (red or yellow?), new equipment (projector or computer?), and change in price (increase or decrease?).

Avoid Dangling Expressions A dangling expression is any part of a sentence that doesn’t logically fi t in with the rest of the sentence. Its relationship with the other parts of the sentence is unclear; it dangles. The two most common types of dangling expressions are misplaced modifi ers and unclear antecedents. To correct dangling expressions, use one or more of these techniques:

• Make the subject of the sentence the doer of the action expressed in the intro- ductory clause.

• Move the expression closer to the word that it modifi es.

• Make sure that the specifi c word to which a pronoun refers (its antecedent) is clear.

• Otherwise revise the sentence for coherence.

NOT After reading the proposal, a few problems occurred to me. (As written, the sentence implies that “a few problems” read the proposal.)

BUT After reading the proposal, I noted a few problems.

NOT Dr. López gave a presentation on the use of drugs in our auditorium. (Are drugs being used in the auditorium?)

BUT Dr. López gave a presentation in our auditorium on the use of drugs.

NOT Ming explained the proposal to Joy, but she was not happy with it. (Who was not happy—Ming or Joy?)

BUT Ming explained the proposal to Joy, but Joy was not happy with it.

Avoid Clichés, Slang, and Unnecessary Jargon A cliché is an expression that has become monotonous through overuse. Because audiences have heard a cliché many times, using clichés may send the message

Concrete words present a vivid picture.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills146

International Communication

Figure 2 Business Slang in an Away Message

I am away tending to a fire drill at the moment. If you would like, we can table this discussion by taking this correspondence offline at a later date. That way, we can both be in the loop, have our ducks in a row, and be on the same page moving forward, ensuring that we’re comparing apples to apples, which, hopefully, will represent the lowest hanging fruit. This will also guarantee that it’s kept from the back burner, yielding timely, actionable deliverables, which will encompass fresh, out-of-the-box thinking, synergistically moving the needle for whatever comes down the pike. Net-net, our success will manifest itself on the bottom line, I assure you. Although nothing will be etched in stone, let’s regroup to run the numbers ASAP, say COB or EOD, whichever comes first. Until then we can remain in a holding pattern.

© O

C U

L O

/S H

U T

T E

R S

T O

C K

.C O

M

that the writer is uncreative, unoriginal—and couldn’t be bothered to tailor the message to the audience.

NOT Enclosed please fi nd an application form that you should return at your earliest convenience.

BUT Please return the enclosed application form before May 15.

Avoid these trite expressions in your writing:

According to our records If you have any other questions

Company policy requires Thank you for your attention to this matter

Do not hesitate to Our records indicate that

For your information Please be advised that

As noted earlier, slang is an informal expression, often short-lived, that is iden- tifi ed with a specifi c group of people. If you understand each word in an expression but still don’t understand what it means in context, chances are you’re having trouble with a slang expression. For example, read the following sentence:

It turns my stomach the way you can break your neck and beat your brains out around here, and they still stab you in the back.

To anyone unfamiliar with American slang (a nonnative speaker, perhaps), this sentence might seem to be about the body because it refers to the stomach, neck, brains, and back. The real meaning, of course, is something like this:

I am really upset that this company ignores hard work and loyalty when mak- ing promotion decisions.

Avoid terms like these in most business writing:

can of worms gut feeling play up to

chew out keep your cool security blanket

go for broke pay through the nose wiped out

As a joke, one manager created an IM away message fi lled with business slang (Figure 2).5

NOT

BUT

Picture a person seeing “thank you for your recent letter” in all 15 letters he or she reads that day. How sincere and original does it sound?

Clichés and buzzwords go in and out of style too quickly to serve as effective components of written business communication.

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 147

As discussed in Chapter 1, jargon is technical vocabulary used within a special group. Every fi eld has its own specialized words, and jargon offers a precise and effi cient way of communicating with people in the same fi eld. But problems arise when jargon is used to communicate with someone who doesn’t understand it. Does the NRA refer to the National Rifl e Association or the National Restaurant Association?

Closely related to jargon are buzzwords, which are important-sounding expressions used mainly to impress other people. Because buzzwords are so often used by government offi cials and high-ranking businesspeople—people whose comments are “newsworthy”—these expressions get much media attention. They become instant clichés and then go out of fashion just as quickly.

Be especially careful of turning nouns and other types of words into verbs by adding -ize. Such words as operationalize, prioritize, commoditize, and maximize quickly become tiresome.

Write Concisely

As part of its “Plain Language” initiative, the U.S. government has been working on clearer, more concise writing to the public. Compare the before-and-after examples in Figure 3.6

In this revision, the most important parts of the message are preserved. Is anything lost in translation? Not much. When you revise, avoid redundancy, wordy expressions, hidden verbs and nouns, and other “space eaters.”

Avoid Redundancy and Wordy Expressions A redundancy is the unnecessary repetition of an idea that has already been expressed or intimated.

NOT Signing both copies of the lease is a necessary requirement.

BUT Signing both copies of the lease is necessary.

NOT

BUT

Figure 3 Revision for Plain Language

Improving Communication from the Federal Government to the Public

The Department of Health and Human Services has taken a six-page article and replaced it with a single, foldout brochure, conveying the same information. Here is an excerpt.

Losing Weight Safely

Before The Dietary Guidelines for Americans recommends a half-hour or more of moderate physical activity on most days, preferably every day. The activity can include brisk walking, calisthenics, home care, gardening, moderate sports exercise, and dancing.

After Do at least 30 minutes of exercise, like brisk walking, most days of the week. CO

U R

T E

S Y

O F

H T

T P

:/ /W

W W

.P L A

IN L A

N G

U A

G E

.G O

V

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills148

NOT Combine the ingredients together.

BUT Combine the ingredients.

A requirement is by defi nition necessary, so only one of the words is needed. And to combine means to bring together, so using both words is redundant. Don’t con- fuse redundancy and repetition. Repetition—using the same word more than once—is occasionally effective for emphasis (as we will discuss later in this chap- ter). Redundancies, however, serve no purpose and should always be avoided.

Also avoid these common redundancies:

new innovation innovation

combine together combine

divide up divide

plan ahead plan

any and all any or all

11:00 A.M. in the morning 11:00 A.M.

different types types

basic fundamentals basic or fundamentals

each and every day each or every

repeat again repeat

free gift gift

Instead of ... Use ...

Also avoid adding a noun when an abbreviation already stands for that noun, for example, ATM machine (ATM stands for “automated teller machine”), PIN num- ber, and HIV virus.

Although wordy expressions are not necessarily writing errors (as redundan- cies are), they do slow the pace of the communication and should be avoided. Substitute one word for a phrase whenever possible.

NOT In view of the fact that the model failed twice during the time that we tested it, we are at this point in time searching for other options.

BUT Because the model failed twice when tested, we are searching for other options.

The original sentence contains 28 words; the revised sentence, 13. You’ve “saved” 15 words. In his book, Revising Business Prose, Richard Lanham speaks of the “lard factor”: the percentage of words saved by “getting rid of the lard” in a sentence. In this case, 54% of the original sentence was “lard”:

28 13

∕

15

15 28 54%

! "

"

NOT

BUT

Redundancy and repetition are not the same.

Make every word count.

Use the fewest words that will achieve your objective.

NOT

BUT

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 149

Lard fattens a sentence without providing any “nutrition.” Lanham suggests, “Think of a lard factor (LF) of 1/3 to 1/2 as normal, and don’t stop revising until you’ve removed it.”7

Here are examples of other wordy phrases and their preferred one-word substitutes:

are of the opinion that believe

in the event of if

due to the fact that because

pertaining to about

for the purpose of for or to

with regard to about

in order to to

Instead of ... Use ...

Overusing prepositions also can cause wordiness (excessive word use). Consider these examples and their shorter equivalents:

Wordy Better

The cover of the book The book cover

Department of Human Resources Human Resources Department

The tiles on the fl oor The fl oor tiles

Our benefi ts for employees Employee benefi ts

The battery in my smartphone My smartphone battery

Avoid Hidden Verbs and Hidden Subjects A hidden verb is a verb that has been changed into a noun form, thereby weaken- ing the action. Verbs are action words and should convey the main action in the sentence. They provide interest and forward movement. Consider this example:

NOT Carl made an announcement that he will give consideration to our request.

BUT Carl announced that he will consider our request.

What is the real action? It is not that Carl made something or that he will give something. The real action is hiding in the nouns: Carl announced and will consider. These two verb forms, then, should be the main verbs in the sentence. Notice that the revised sentence is much more direct—and four words shorter (LF ! 33%). Here are some other actions that should be conveyed by verbs instead of being hidden in nouns:

arrived at the conclusion (concluded) has a requirement for (requires)

came to an agreement (agreed) held a meeting (met)

gave a demonstration of (demonstrated)

made a payment (paid)

Changing verbs to nouns produces weak, uninteresting sentences.

NOT

BUT

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills150

Like verbs, subjects play a prominent role in a sentence and should stand out, rather than being obscured by an expletive at the beginning. An expletive is an expression, such as there is or it is, that begins a clause or sentence and for which the pronoun has no antecedent. Because the topic of a sentence beginning with an expletive is not immediately clear, you should use such sentences sparingly in business writing. Avoiding expletives also contributes to conciseness.

NOT There was no indication that it is necessary to include John in the meeting.

BUT No one indicated that John should be included in the meeting.

Business writers sometimes use expletives to avoid a clear subject. Consider these variations, with particular attention to the changes in subjects and verbs:

To increase the number of candidates, it is recommend that Alta use an online recruiting system.

To increase the number of candidates, I/we recommend that Alta use an online recruiting system.

Using an online recruiting system will increase Alta’s number of candidates.

To increase the number of candidates, Alta should/can use an online recruiting system.

More candidates will apply to Alta if we use an online recruiting system.

All of these variations are grammatically correct—but they emphasize different subjects. For example, the fi rst variation, with no clear subject, might be used to distance the source from the advice, which may be appropriate in some situations. In the second variation, the source takes ownership for the advice. The third, fourth, and fi fth variations all clarify the subject and avoid the expletive in the fi rst sentence. Notice how each of these three variations emphasizes different sub- jects: using the online recruiting system, Alta, and candidates, respectively. A writer would choose the variation that suits his or her purpose.

Imply or Condense Sometimes you do not need to explicitly state certain information; you can imply it instead. In other situations, you can use adjectives and adverbs instead of clauses to convey the needed information in a more concise format.

NOT We have received your recent email and are happy to provide the data you requested.

BUT We are happy to provide the data you recently requested.

NOT This brochure, which is available free of charge, will answer your questions.

BUT This free brochure will answer your questions.

A pronoun in an expletive does not stand for any noun.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 151

WRITING EFFECTIVE SENTENCES A sentence has a subject and predicate and expresses at least one complete thought. Beyond these attributes, however, sentences vary widely in style, length, and effect.

Sentences are also very fl exible; you can move sentence parts around, add and delete information, and substitute words to express different ideas and emphasize different points. To build effective sentences, use a variety of sentence types, use active and passive voice appropriately, and use parallel structure.

Use a Variety of Sentence Types

The three sentence types—simple, compound, and complex—are all appropriate for business writing.

Simple Sentence A simple sentence contains one independent clause (i.e., a clause that can stand alone as a complete thought). Because it presents a single idea and is usually short, a simple sentence is often used for emphasis. Although a simple sentence contains only one independent clause, it may have a compound subject or com- pound verb (or both). All of the following sentences are simple:

• I quit.

• Employees can enroll in the company’s 401(k) plan.

• Both part- and full-time employees can enroll in the company’s 401(k) plan and in an Individual Retirement Account.

Compound Sentence A compound sentence contains two or more independent clauses. Because each clause presents a complete idea, each idea receives equal emphasis. (If the two ideas are not closely related, they should be presented in two separate sentences.) Here are three compound sentences:

• Stacey listened, and I nodded.

• Morris Technologies made a major acquisition last year, but it turned out to be a mistake.

• Westmoreland Mines moved its headquarters to Prescott in 1984; however, it stayed there only fi ve years and then moved back to Globe.

Complex Sentence A complex sentence contains one independent clause and at least one dependent clause. For example, in the fi rst sentence below, “the scanner will save valuable input time” is an independent clause because it makes sense by itself. “Although it cost $235” is a dependent clause because it does not make sense by itself.

• Although it cost $235, the scanner will save valuable input time.

• George Bosley, who is the new CEO at Hubbell, made the decision.

• I will move to Austin when I start my new job.

The dependent clause provides additional, but subordinate, information related to the independent clause.

Write effective sentences.

Use a simple sentence for emphasis.

Use a compound sentence to show coordinate (equal) relationships.

Use a complex sentence to express subordinate relationships.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills152

Sentence Variety Using a variety of sentence patterns and sentence lengths keeps your writing interesting. Note how simplistic and choppy too many short sentences can be and how boring and diffi cult too many long sentences can be.

(Average sentence length =

50 words)

(Average sentence length =

20 words)

Golden Nugget will not purchase the 60-year-old Claridge Hotel, even though the $110 million asking price was not considered too high. The company had wanted some commitments from New Jersey regulators, which the regulators were unwilling to provide. However, some observers blame the cancellation on the weak Atlantic City economy. Golden Nugget lost money on its 2000 purchase of the Stake House in Las Vegas, and it does not want to repeat its mistake in Atlantic City.

(Average sentence length = 8 words)

Golden Nugget will not purchase the Claridge Hotel. The hotel is 60 years old. The asking price was $110 million. It was not considered too high. Golden Nugget had wanted some commitments from New Jersey regulators. The regulators were unwilling to provide such commitments. Some observers believe the refusal was not the real reason for the decision. They blame the weak Atlantic City economy for the cancellation. Golden Nugget purchased the Stake House in Las Vegas in 2000. It lost money on that purchase. It does not want to repeat its mistake in Atlantic City.

Golden Nugget will not purchase the Claridge Hotel, which is 60 years old, for an asking price of $110 million, which was not considered too high, because the company had wanted some commitments from New Jersey regulators, and the regulators were unwilling to provide such commitments. Some observers believe the refusal was not the real reason for the decision but rather that the weak Atlantic City economy was responsible for the cancellation; and since Golden Nugget pur- chased the Stake House in Las Vegas in 2000 and lost money on that purchase, it does not want to repeat its mistake in Atlantic City.

Too Choppy:

Too Difficult:

More Variety:

The sentences in these paragraphs should be revised to show relationships between ideas more clearly, to keep readers interested, and to improve readability. Use simple sentences for emphasis and variety, compound sentences for coordinate (equal) relationships, and complex

sentences for subordinate relationships.

The first two sentences in the revision are complex, the third is simple, and the last sentence is compound. The lengths of the four sentences range from 12 to 27 words. To write effective sentences, use different sentence patterns and lengths. Most sentences in good business

writing range from 16 to 22 words.

Use Active and Passive Voice Appropriately

Voice is the aspect of a verb that shows whether the subject of the sentence acts or is acted on. In the active voice, the subject performs the action expressed by the verb. In the passive voice, the subject receives the action expressed by the verb.

ACTIVE Old Navy offers a full refund on all orders.

PASSIVE A full refund on all orders is offered by Old Navy.

ACTIVE Shoemacher & Doerr audited the books last quarter.

PASSIVE The books were audited last quarter by Shoemacher & Doerr.

Passive sentences add some form of the verb to be to the main verb, so passive sentences are always somewhat longer than active sentences. In the fi rst set of

Use a variety of sentence patterns and lengths.

In active sentences, the subject performs the action; in passive sentences, the subject receives the action. ACTIVE

PASSIVE

ACTIVE

PASSIVE

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 153

sentences, for example, compare offers in the active sentence with is offered by in the passive sentence.

In active sentences, the subject is the doer of the action; in passive sentences, the subject is the receiver of the action. Because the subject gets more emphasis than other nouns in a sentence, active sentences emphasize the doer, while passive sentences emphasize the receiver. In the second set of sentences, both versions are correct, depending on whether the writer wanted to emphasize Shoemacher & Doerr or the books.

Use active sentences most of the time in business writing, just as you naturally use active sentences in most of your conversations. Note that verb voice (active or passive) has nothing to do with verb tense, which shows the time of the action. As the following sentences show, the action in both active and passive sentences can occur in the past, present, or future.

NOT A very logical argument was presented by Hal. (Passive voice, past tense)

BUT Hal presented a very logical argument. (Active voice, past tense)

NOT An 18% increase will be reported by the eastern region. (Passive voice, future tense)

BUT The eastern region will report an 18% increase. (Active voice, future tense)

Passive sentences are most appropriate when you want to emphasize the receiver of the action, when the person doing the action is either unknown or unimportant, or when you want to be tactful in conveying negative information. All the following sentences are appropriately stated in the passive voice:

• Protective legislation was blamed for the drop in imports. (Emphasizes the receiver of the action)

• Transportation to the construction site will be provided. (Downplays the unim- portant doer of the action)

• Several complaints have been received regarding the new policy. (Conveys negative news tactfully)

Use Parallel Structure

The term parallelism means using similar grammatical structure for similar ideas—that is, matching adjectives with adjectives, nouns with nouns, infi nitives with infi nitives, and so on. Much widely quoted writing uses parallelism—for example, Julius Caesar’s “I came, I saw, I conquered” and Abraham Lincoln’s “government of the people, by the people, and for the people.”

Parallel structure links ideas and adds a pleasing rhythm to sentences and paragraphs, which enhances coherence.

NOT The new dispatcher is competent and a fast worker.

BUT The new dispatcher is competent and fast.

NOT The new grade of paper is lightweight, nonporous, and it is inexpensive.

BUT The new grade of paper is lightweight, nonporous, and inexpensive.

NOT The training program will cover vacation and sick leaves, how to resolve grievances, and managing your workstation.

BUT The training program will cover vacation and sick leaves, grievance resolution, and workstation management.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

Passive sentences are generally more effective than active sentences for conveying negative information.

Parallelism refers to consistency.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills154

DEVELOPING LOGICAL PARAGRAPHS A paragraph is a group of related sentences that focus on one main idea. The main idea is often identifi ed in the fi rst sentence of the paragraph—the topic sentence. The body of the paragraph supports this main idea by giving more information, analysis, or examples. A paragraph is typically part of a longer message, although one paragraph may be an entire email.

Paragraphs organize a topic into manageable units of information for the reader. Readers need a cue to tell them when they have fi nished a topic so they can pause and refocus their attention on the next topic. Effective paragraphs are unifi ed, coherent, and an appropriate length.

Use a new paragraph to signal a change in direction.

Figure 4 Revising for Parallel Phrasing

• What is independent research?

• Reasons we should use independent research for this project

• Starting the process

• What is independent research?

• Why is independent research appropriate for this project?

• How should we begin the research process?

• Pick a topic

• Faculty sponsor

• Setting up a timeline

• Resources

• Figure out a method

• Data study

• You should deliver results

D.I.S.C.U.S.S. • Discover topic • Identify faculty sponsor • Set up timeline • Consult resources • Use methods • Study data • Shape deliverables

Before After

NOT One management consultant recommended either selling the children’s furniture division or its conversion into a children’s toy division.

BUT One management consultant recommended either selling the children’s furniture division or converting it into a children’s toy division.

NOT Gwen is not only profi cient in Microsoft Word but also in Excel.

BUT Gwen is profi cient not only in Microsoft Word but also in Excel.

In the last two sets of sentences above, note that correlative conjunctions (such as both/and, either/or, and not only/but also) must be followed by words in parallel form.

Be especially careful to use parallel structure in report headings and presenta- tion slide titles that have equal weight and in numbered and bulleted lists. Two examples of revisions for parallel phrasing in bulleted lists are shown in Figure 4.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

Develop logical paragraphs.

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 155

Keep Paragraphs Unifi ed and Coherent

Although closely related, unity and coherence are not the same. A paragraph has unity when all its parts work together to develop a single idea consistently and logically. A paragraph has coherence when each sentence links smoothly to the sentences before and after it.

Unity A unifi ed paragraph gives information that is directly related to the topic, pres- ents this information in a logical order, and omits irrelevant details. The fol- lowing excerpt is a middle paragraph in a memo arguing against the proposal that Collins, a baby-food manufacturer, should expand into producing food for adults:

NOT [1] We cannot focus our attention on both ends of the age spectrum. [2] In a recent survey, two-thirds of the under-35 age group named Collins as the fi rst company that came to mind for the category “baby-food products.” [3] For more than 50 years, we have spent millions of dollars annually to identify our company as the baby-food company, and market research shows that we have been success- ful. [4] Last year, we introduced Peas ‘n’ Pears, our most successful baby-food introduction ever. [5] To now seek to position ourselves as a producer of food for adults would simply be incongruous. [6] Our well-defi ned image in the marketplace would make producing food for adults risky.

Before reading further, rearrange these sentences to make the sequence of ideas more logical. As written, the paragraph lacks unity. You may decide that the overall topic of the paragraph is Collins’ well-defi ned image as a baby-food pro- ducer. So Sentence 6 would be the best topic sentence. You might also decide that Sentence 4 brings in extra information that weakens paragraph unity and should be left out. The most unifi ed paragraph, then, would be Sentences 6, 3, 2, 5, and 1, as shown here:

BUT Our well-defi ned image in the marketplace would make producing food for adults risky. For more than 50 years, we have spent millions of dollars annually to identify our company as the baby-food company, and market research shows that we have been successful. In a recent survey, two-thirds of the under-35 age group named Collins as the fi rst company that came to mind for the category “baby-food products.” To now seek to position ourselves as a producer of food for adults would simply be incongruous. We cannot focus our attention on both ends of the age spectrum.

A topic sentence is especially helpful in a long paragraph, for the reader as well as the writer. Placed at the beginning of the paragraph, the topic sentence tells the reader the main point of the paragraph and encourages the writer to keep focused on one topic to ensure paragraph unity.

Coherence A coherent paragraph weaves sentences together so that the discussion is inte- grated. The reader never needs to pause to puzzle out the relationships or reread to get the intended meaning. To achieve coherence, use transitional words, use pronouns, and repeat key words and ideas.

NOT

BUT

The topic sentence usually goes at the beginning of the paragraph.

Coherence is achieved by using transitional words, pronouns, repetition, and parallelism.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills156

Transitional words help the reader see relationships between sentences. Such words may be as simple as fi rst and other indicators of sequence.

Ten years ago, Collins tried to overcome market resistance to its new line of baby clothes. First, it mounted a multimillion-dollar ad campaign featuring the Mason quintuplets. Next, it sponsored a Collins Baby look-alike contest. Then it sponsored two network specials featuring Dr. Benjamin Spock. Finally, it brought in the Madison Avenue fi rm of Morgan & Modine to broaden its image.

The words fi rst, next, then, and fi nally clearly signal step-by-step movement. Now note the use of transitional words in the following paragraph:

I recognize, however, that Collins cannot thrive on baby food alone. To begin with, since we already control 73% of the market, further gains will be dif- fi cult. Also, the current baby boom is slowing. Therefore, we must expand our product line.

These transitional words act as road signs, indicating where the message is headed and letting the reader know what to expect. Here are some commonly used transitional expressions grouped by the relationships they express:

Relationship Transitional Expressions

addition also, besides, furthermore, in addition, too

cause and effect as a result, because, consequently, therefore

comparison in the same way, likewise, similarly

contrast although, but, however, nevertheless, on the other hand, still

illustration for example, for instance, in other words, to illustrate

sequence fi rst, second, third, then, next, fi nally

summary/conclusion at last, fi nally, in conclusion, therefore, to summarize

time meanwhile, next, since, soon, then

A second way to achieve coherence is to use pronouns. Because pronouns stand for words already named, using pronouns binds sentences and ideas together. The pronouns are italicized here:

If Collins branches out with additional food products, one possibility would be a fruit snack for youngsters. Funny Fruits were tested in Columbus last sum- mer, and they were a big hit. Roger Johnson, national marketing manager, says he hopes to build new food categories into a $200 million business. He is also exploring the possibility of acquiring other established name brands. These acquired brands would let Collins expand faster than if it had to develop a new product of its own.

A third way to achieve coherence is to repeat key words. In a misguided attempt to appear interesting, writers sometimes use different terms for the same idea. For example, in discussing a proposed merger, a writer may at different points use merger, combination, union, association, and acquisition. Or a writer may use the words administrator, manager, supervisor, and executive all to refer to the same person. Such “elegant variation” only confuses the reader, who has no way of knowing whether the writer is referring to the same concept or to slightly different variations of that concept.

Purposeful repetition aids coherence; avoid needless repetition.

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 157

Avoid needless repetition, but use purposeful repetition to link ideas and thus promote paragraph coherence. Here is a good example:

Collins has taken several steps recently to enhance profi ts and project a stron- ger leadership position. One of these steps is streamlining operations. Collins’ line of children’s clothes was unprofi table, so it discontinued the line. Its four produce farms were also unprofi table, so it hired an outside professional team to manage them. This team eventually recommended selling the farms.

Ensure paragraph unity by developing only one topic per paragraph and by presenting the information in logical order. Ensure paragraph coherence by using transitional words and pronouns and by repeating key words.

Control Paragraph Length

How long should a paragraph of business writing be? As with other considerations, the needs of the reader, rather than the convenience of the writer, should deter- mine the answer. Paragraphs should help the reader by signaling a new idea, as well as by providing a physical break.

Long blocks of unbroken text look boring and may unintentionally obscure an important idea buried in the middle. On the other hand, a series of extremely short paragraphs can weaken coherence by obscuring underlying relationships. Compare the messages in Figure 5. Which is more inviting to read? Information is easier to digest when broken into small chunks with paragraph breaks, headings, bullets, and in this example, sub-bullets.

Excessively long paragraphs look boring and diffi cult.

Our goal is to transition the organization as smoothly as possible. Over the next 90 days, we will implement the transition plan. By October 15, we will transfer sales representatives to new divisions. Each sales representative will be moved from our current regional teams to a new team: consumer, small business, or corporate. Managers will work closely with represen- tatives to determine strengths, experience, and preferences. By October 31, we will identify account type. All sales representa- tives will categorize current accounts for the new divisions: consumer, small busi- ness, and corporate. By November 30, we will transition accounts to new teams. Where accounts are changing sales repre- sentatives, we will follow this process. For small business accounts, the former and new sales representative will send an email to the account contact, followed by a phone call and visit (if possible) by the new sales representative. For corporate accounts, the former sales representative will send an email and schedule a conference call or visit by the account contact and new sales representative.

Our goal is to transition the organization as smoothly as possible. Over the next 90 days, we will implement the transition plan:

● Transfer sales representatives to new divisions (by October 15)

Each sales representative will be moved from our cur- rent regional teams to a new team: consumer, small business, or corporate. Managers will work closely with representatives to determine strengths, experience, and preferences.

● Identify account type (by October 31)

All sales representatives will categorize current ac- counts for the new divisions: consumer, small business, and corporate.

● Transition accounts to new teams (by November 30)

Where accounts are changing sales representatives, we will follow this process:

– For small business accounts, the former and new sales representative will send an email to the account contact, followed by a phone call and visit (if possible) by the new sales representative.

– For corporate accounts, the former sales representa- tive will send an email and schedule a conference call or visit by the account contact and new sales representative.

Figure 5 Comparing Paragraph Length: Which Is More Inviting to Read?

See the Reference Manual for a full version of the memo in Figure 5.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills158

There are no fi xed rules for paragraph length, and occasionally one- or ten- sentence paragraphs might be effective. However, most paragraphs of good busi- ness writers fall into the 60- to 80-word range—long enough for a topic sentence and three or four supporting sentences.

A paragraph is both a logical unit and a visual unit. It is logical in that it dis- cusses only one topic. It is visual in that the end of the paragraph signals readers to pause and digest the information (or, perhaps, just to rest). Although a single paragraph should never discuss more than one major topic, complex topics may need to be divided into several paragraphs. Your purpose and the needs of your reader should ultimately determine paragraph length.

CREATING AN APPROPRIATE TONE After choosing the right words to create effective sentences and then combin- ing these sentences into logical paragraphs, we can now examine the tone of the complete message—the complete email, memo, letter, report, blog post, and so on.

Tone in writing refers to the writer’s attitude toward both the reader and the subject of the message. The overall tone of your written message affects your reader, just as your tone of voice affects your listener during a conversation. Fol- low these guidelines to achieve an appropriate tone in business writing:

• Write confi dently.

• Use a courteous and sincere tone.

• Use appropriate emphasis and subordination.

• Use positive language.

• Stress the “you” attitude.

Write Confi dently

To achieve your communication objective, your message should convey a pro- fessional, confi dent attitude. The more confi dent you are about your writing, the more likely your audience will understand your explanation, accept your decision, or complete your request.

Avoid using language that makes you sound unsure of yourself. Be especially wary of beginning sentences with “I hope,” “If you agree,” “I think,” and other self- conscious terms.

NOT If you’d like to take advantage of this offer, call our toll-free number.

BUT To take advantage of this offer, call our toll-free number.

NOT I hope that you will agree that my qualifi cations match your job needs.

BUT My qualifi cations match your job needs in the following respects.

In some situations, the best strategy is simply to omit information. Why focus on your lack of work experience in a cover letter or imply that your product may need to be returned?

NOT Let us know if you experience any other problems.

BUT Your Skullcandy headphones should now provide you with several years of clear audio enjoyment.

Convey an appropriate tone.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 159

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

To: Crystal Green

From: Brian Calico

Subject: Accounting Question

Dear Ms. Green,

I have a few questions for you about accounting. I am doing a project regarding corportate offices and accounting. I have two questions that I must address in my report.

The first question is:

Does a big company like yours have one accountant, or does each individual branch have its own accountant.

Second:

Is there a convention or do accountants have to attend meetings? Basically how the process works. And if there is a convention what it is called and how many times a year it is held. So that I can then look up how it works.

Thank you so much for your time.

Brian Calico

Uses an appropriate salutation (although first names are acceptable for

recent alumni).

Provides clear organization around his questions, but

uses an incomplete sentence and lacks parallel phrasing.

Uses a vague subject line.

Starts all opening sentences with “I”— focuses on the writer,

rather than on the reader.

Uses incomplete sentences.

Launches into the question without enough context or

“goodwill” built.

Misuses a period instead of a question mark.

Uses a cliché—and is the only expression of

appreciation in the email.

Requests too much information for an

email reply.

Misspells “corporate.”

EmaEmailil

Figure 6 Inappropriate Tone in an Email

A word of caution: Do not appear overconfi dent; avoid sounding presumptuous or arrogant. Be especially wary of using such strong phrases as “I know that” and “I am sure you will agree that.”

NOT I’m sure that you’ll agree our offer is reasonable.

BUT This solution should give you the data you need while still protecting the privacy of our clients.

Consider the email in Figure 6, sent from a student to a recent alumnus.8 The receiver found the email to be presumptuous and inappropriate.

Competent communicators are confi dent communicators. They write with con- viction, yet avoid appearing pushy or presumptuous.

Use a Courteous and Sincere Tone

A tone of courtesy and sincerity builds goodwill for you and your organization and increases the likelihood that your message will achieve its objective. For example, lecturing the reader or fi lling a letter with platitudes (trite, obvious statements) implies a condescending attitude. Also, readers are likely to fi nd offensive such

NOT

BUT

Modest confi dence is the best tactic.

A platitude is a statement so obvious that including it in a message would insult the reader.

© CENGAGE LEARNING 2013

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills160

expressions as “you failed to,” “we fi nd it diffi cult to believe that,” “you surely don’t expect,” or “your complaint.”

NOT Companies like ours cannot survive unless our customers pay their bills on time.

BUT By paying your bill before May 30, you will maintain your excellent credit history with our fi rm.

NOT You sent your complaint to the wrong department. We don’t handle shipping problems.

BUT We have forwarded your letter to the shipping department. You should be hearing from them within the week.

Your reader is sophisticated enough to know when you’re being sincere. To achieve a sincere tone, avoid exaggeration (especially using too many modifi ers or too strong modifi ers), obvious fl attery, and expressions of surprise or disbelief.

NOT Your satisfaction means more to us than making a profi t, and we will work night and day to see that we earn it.

BUT We value your goodwill and have taken these specifi c steps to ensure your satisfaction.

NOT I’m surprised you would question your raise, considering your overall performance last year.

BUT Your raise was based on an objective evaluation of your performance last year.

Competent communicators use both verbal and nonverbal signals to convey courtesy and sincerity. However, it is diffi cult to fake these attitudes. The best way to achieve the desired tone is to truly assume a courteous and sincere outlook toward your reader.

Use Appropriate Emphasis and Subordination

Not all ideas are equal. Some are more important and more persuasive than oth- ers. Assume, for example, that you have been asked to evaluate and compare the Copy Cat and the Repro 100 photocopier and then to write a memo recommending one for purchase. Assume that the two brands are alike in all important respects except these:

Feature Copy Cat Repro 100

Speed (copies per minute) 15 10

Cost $2,750 $2,100

Enlargement/Reduction? Yes No

As you can see, the Copy Cat has greater speed and more features. A casual observer might think you should recommend the Copy Cat on the basis of its additional advantages. Suppose, however, that most of your photocopying involves fewer than fi ve copies of each original, all of them full-sized. Under these conditions, you might conclude that the Repro 100’s lower cost outweighs the Copy Cat’s higher speed and additional features; you therefore decide to recommend purchasing the Repro 100.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

Obvious fl attery and exaggeration sound insincere.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

Let your reader know which ideas you consider most important.

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 161

If you want your recommendation to be credible, you must make sure your reader views the relative importance of each feature the same way you do. To do so, use appropriate emphasis and subordination techniques.

Techniques of Emphasis To emphasize an idea, use any of the following strategies (to subordinate an idea, simply use the opposite strategy):

• Put the idea in a short, simple sentence. However, if you need a complex sentence to convey the needed information, put the more important idea in the independent clause. (The ideas communicated in each independent clause of a compound sentence receive equal emphasis.)

SIMPLE The Repro 100 is the better photocopier for our purposes.

COMPLEX Although the Copy Cat is faster, 98% of our copying requires fewer than fi ve copies per original. (The independent clause emphasizes that

speed is not a crucial consideration for us.)

• Place the major idea fi rst or last. The fi rst paragraph of a message receives the most emphasis, the last paragraph receives less emphasis, and the middle paragraphs receive the least emphasis. Similarly, the middle sentences within a paragraph receive less emphasis than the fi rst sentence in a paragraph.

The fi rst criterion examined was cost. The Copy Cat sells for $2,750, and the Repro 100 sells for $2,100, or 24% less than the cost of the Copy Cat.

• Make the noun you want to emphasize the subject of the sentence. In other words, use active voice to emphasize the doer of the action and passive voice to emphasize the receiver.

ACTIVE The Repro 100 costs 24% less than the Copy Cat. (Emphasizes the Repro 100 rather than the Copy Cat)

PASSIVE The relative costs of the two models were compared fi rst. (Emphasizes the relative costs rather than the two models)

• Devote more space to the idea.

The two models were judged according to three criteria: cost, speed, and enlargement/reduction capabilities. Total cost is an important consider- ation for our fi rm because of the large number of copiers we use and our large volume of copying. Last year, our fi rm used 358 photocopiers and duplicated more than 6.5 million pages. Thus, regardless of the speed or features of a particular model, if it is too expensive to operate, it will not serve our purposes.

• Use language that directly implies importance, such as most important, major, or primary. Use terms such as least important or a minor point to subordinate an idea.

The most important factor for us is cost. The service contract is a minor concern.

• Use repetition (within reason).

However, the Copy Cat is expensive—expensive to purchase and expensive to operate.

To subordinate an idea, put it in the dependent clause.

SIMPLE

COMPLEX

ACTIVE

PASSIVE

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills162

• Use mechanical means (within reason)—enumeration, italics, second color, indenting from left and right margins, or other elements of design—to emphasize key ideas.

But the most important criterion is cost, and the Repro 100 costs 24% less than the Copy Cat.

The Ethical Dimension Use emphasis and subordination to show your reader how important you consider each idea. Your goal is not to mislead the reader. If you believe that the Repro 100 is the slightly better choice, avoid intentionally misleading your reader into con- cluding that it is clearly the better choice. Achieve your communication objectives using fair tactics and sound business judgment.

Use Positive Language

By using positive instead of negative words, you are more likely to achieve your objectives. Positive language also helps to build goodwill and usually provides more information to your reader. Note the differences in tone and detail in the following sentences:

NOT The briefcase is not made of cheap imitation leather.

BUT The briefcase is made of 100% belt leather for years of durable service.

NOT We cannot ship your merchandise until we receive your check.

BUT As soon as we receive your check, we will ship your merchandise.

NOT I do not yet have any work experience.

BUT My two terms as secretary of the Management Club taught me the importance of accurate recordkeeping and gave me experience in working as part of a team.

Expressions like cannot and will not are not the only ones that convey negative mes- sages. Other words, like mistake, damage, failure, refuse, and deny, also carry negative connotations and should be avoided when possible.

NOT Failure to follow the directions may cause the blender to malfunction.

BUT Following the directions will ensure many years of carefree service from your blender.

NOT We apologize for this error.

BUT We appreciate your telling us about this issue.

NOT We close at 7:00 p.m. on Fridays.

BUT We’re open until 7:00 p.m. on Fridays to give you time to shop after work.

Stress what is true and what can be done rather than what is not true and can- not be done. Of course, negative language is strong and has a place in business writing, but unless the situation clearly calls for negative language, you are more likely to achieve your objective by stressing the positive.

A journalism student learned the hard way that negative language often produces negative results. Steve Jobs, former CEO of Apple, was notorious for

Use language that expresses your honest evaluation; do not mislead the reader.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

Avoid negative-sounding words.

NOTNegative language also often has the opposite effect of what is intended. “Do not think of elephants.” What are you thinking of now?

BUT

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

You’ll fi nd the entire email exchange on the author’s blog, www .bizcominthenews.com, under Samples for Chapter 5.

e is c u

Ethics in Communication

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 163

responding to emails personally—sometimes with curt replies. When the journal- ism student sent Jobs an email, an unkind exchange began.9

Although the student began with a positive introductory paragraph compli- menting Apple’s products, she used a critical subject line and strong language throughout. Apparently, she had contacted Apple’s Media Relations Department for help with a class project but didn’t get a response. She wrote that her ques- tions were “vital to my academic grade as a student journalist” and used negative language that could, understandably, turn off the CEO of the company: “I have called countless times,” “the Media Relations Department fails,” “I have repeatedly told them,” “ignored my needs,” and “hypocrisy.” Perhaps the worst offense was the student’s email tagline: “Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile” (Apple’s competition).

Steve Jobs responded with characteristic brevity—and the exchange continued. He fi rst denied responsibility for the student’s academic success, to which the stu- dent responded, among other missives, “I am on deadline.” After more back-and- forth emails, Jobs, of course, had the last word: “Please leave us alone.”

You have to admire the student’s determination. She was persistent—although she may have found better success by focusing on more positive language and, as we’ll discuss next, stressing the “you” attitude, rather than her own goals.

Stress the “You” Attitude

Are you more interested in how well you perform in this course or in how well your classmates perform? When you hear a television commercial, are you more inter- ested in how the product will benefi t you or in how your purchase of the product will benefi t the sponsor? If you’re like most people reading or hearing a message, your conscious or unconscious reaction is likely to be “What’s in it for me?”

Knowing that this is true provides you with a powerful strategy for structuring your messages to increase their impact: stress the “you” attitude, not the “me” attitude.

The “you” attitude emphasizes what the receiver (the listener or the reader) wants to know and how he or she will be affected by the message. It requires de- veloping empathy—the ability to project yourself into another person’s position and to understand that person’s situation and feelings. To avoid sounding selfi sh and uninterested, focus on the reader—adopt the “you” attitude.

NOT I am shipping your order this afternoon.

BUT You should receive your order by Friday.

NOT We will be open on Sundays from 1:00 to 5:00 p.m., beginning May 15.

BUT You will be able to shop on Sundays from 1:00 to 5:00 p.m., beginning May 15.

Receiver Benefi ts An important component of the “you” attitude is the concept of receiver benefi ts— emphasizing how the receiver (the reader or the listener) will benefi t from doing as you ask. Sometimes, especially when asking a favor or refusing a request, the best we can do is to show how someone (not necessarily the reader) will benefi t. But whenever possible, we should show how someone other than ourselves benefi ts from our request or from our decision.

NOT We cannot afford to purchase an ad in your organization’s directory.

BUT Advertising exclusively on television allows us to offer consumers like you the lowest prices on their cosmetics.

Answer the reader’s unspoken question, “What’s in it for me?”

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills164

NOT Our decorative fi replace has an oak mantel and is portable.

BUT Whether entertaining in your living room or den, you can still enjoy the ambience of a blazing fi re because our decorative fi replace is portable. Simply take it with you from room to room.

Note that the revised sentences, which stress reader benefi ts, are longer than the original sentences—because they contain more information. But they do not contain unnecessary words. You can add information and still write concisely.

Exceptions Stressing the “you” attitude focuses the attention on the reader, which is right where the attention should be—most of the time. However, when you refuse some- one’s request, disagree with someone, or talk about someone’s mistakes or short- comings, avoid connecting the reader too closely with the negative information. In these situations, avoid second-person pronouns (you and your), and use passive sentences or other subordinating techniques to stress the receiver of the action rather than the doer.

NOT You should have included more supporting evidence in your presentation.

BUT Including more supporting evidence would have made the presentation more convincing.

NOT You failed to return the merchandise within the 10-day period.

BUT We are happy to give a full refund on all merchandise that is returned within 10 days.

Note that neither of the revised sentences contains the word you. Instead, the revisions separate the reader from the negative information, making the message more tactful and palatable.

The Checklist for Revising Your Writing summarizes principles of style, which goes beyond correctness. Style involves choosing the right words, writing effective sentences, developing logical paragraphs, and setting an appropriate tone.

At fi rst, you may fi nd it diffi cult and time-consuming to revise your writing using these criteria. But your time spent will pay off: soon, you’ll apply these prin- ciples unconsciously and will see a big improvement in your writing.

NOT

BUT

In some situations, you do not want to focus attention on the reader.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 165

Words

Write clearly. Be accurate and complete; use familiar words; use specific, concrete language; avoid dangling expressions; and avoid clichés, slang, and unnecessary jargon.

Write concisely. Avoid redundancy and wordy expressions, avoid hidden subjects and hidden verbs, and imply or condense when appropriate.

Sentences

Use a variety of sentence types. Use simple sentences for emphasis, compound sentences for coordinate relationships, and complex sentences for subordinate relationships.

Use active and passive voice appropri- ately. Use active voice in general and to empha- size the doer of the action; use passive voice to emphasize the receiver.

Use parallel structure. Match adjectives with adjectives, nouns with nouns, infi nitives with infi nitives, and so on.

Paragraphs

Keep paragraphs unifi ed and coherent. Develop a single idea consistently and logically; use transitional words, pronouns, and repetition when appropriate.

Control paragraph length. Use a variety of paragraph lengths.

Overall Tone

Write confi dently. Avoid sounding self - conscious, but also avoid sounding arrogant or presumptuous.

Use a courteous and sincere tone. Avoid platitudes, exaggeration, obvious fl attery, and expressions of surprise or disbelief.

Use appropriate emphasis and subordination. Emphasize and subordinate through the use of sentence structure, posi- tion, verb voice, amount of space, language, repetition, and mechanical means.

Use positive language. Stress what you can do or what is true rather than what you cannot do or what is not true.

Stress the “you” attitude. Emphasize what the receiver wants to know and how the receiver will be affected by the message; stress receiver benefi ts.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills166

Revising Content for an Entertainment Company Website

Purpose Imagine that you work for an entertainment company as a web writer. You’re responsible for all content on the website, but you don’t write everything yourself. For example, for the “Company Information” page, you received the following blurb from the Television division.

TELEVISED ENTERTAINMENT

Each and every week there are over 11 million viewers who tune in to watch over fi fteen hours of programming in the US and there is even more programming around the world. Join the millions watching today!

The blurb explains the large scope of the business but needs editing to be ready for the company website.

Process You ask yourself the following questions as you start this editing job.

1. What do you want to accomplish with the Company Information section of the website? Encourage fi nancial investment and advertising sponsorship.

2. Who are your primary and secondary audiences? External audiences—investors and the media. Television viewers may fi nd this page, but they are not the primary audience for the Company Information section of the website.

3. What tone is appropriate for this section of the website? A professional, conversational tone—not too “salesy,” but not too formal either. The draft isn’t too formal, but the end of the fi rst paragraph (“Join the millions watching today!”) is a bit too much with the exclamation mark. The purpose of this part of the website is to provide information—not present a marketing pitch.

4. How else can you improve the blurb? I can remove wordiness and improve the sentence structure. I also can provide data about our growth, which may be important to potential investors and advertisers.

5. What other changes are needed for accuracy? Punctuation and number expressions need to be corrected.

Product TELEVISED ENTERTAINMENT

Each week in the United States, more than 11 million viewers tune in to watch over 15 hours of programming. In Canada and Europe, an additional 4 million viewers watch our shows. Our viewership has more than doubled since January 2010, and we expect this trend to continue.

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 167

Revising an Email to Employees

Purpose Imagine that you work for an entertainment company and have asked an intern to draft an email to employees about a summer dress code. The email will be distributed to 300 employees in the corporate offi ce. You will allow employees to dress more casually during the warm weather, but you also want to give them clear guidelines on what is and is not acceptable to wear in the offi ce. You receive the draft from the intern, but it needs work.

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

To: Corporate Staff

From: Benjamin Porter

Subject: Dress

For this summer ONLY employees can wear more casual clothes. No more suits for us! Enjoy the warm weather but pls. don’t embarrass yourself or the company.

Thanks!

Ben

Process 1. What do you want to accomplish with this email?

2. What, specifi cally, do employees need to know?

3. What works well in this email draft?

4. What could be improved in this message?

Product Rewrite the draft email for employees.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills168

Summary

Choose the right words for your message.

Achieve clarity by making your message accurate, by using familiar words, and by avoid- ing dangling expressions and unnecessary jargon. Write to express—not to impress. Use longer words only if they express your idea more clearly. Use specifi c, concrete language and avoid clichés, slang, and buzzwords.

To achieve conciseness, make every word count. Avoid redundancy, wordy expres- sions, and hidden verbs and subjects. Sometimes you may imply rather than explic- itly state certain information. In other situations, use adjectives or adverbs instead of clauses to convey information more concisely.

Write effective sentences.

Because they present a single idea and are usually short, prefer simple sentences for emphasis. Use compound sentences to communicate two or more ideas of equal im- portance. When communicating two or more ideas of unequal importance, choose complex sentences and place the subordinate idea in the dependent clause.

Use active voice to emphasize the doer of the action and passive voice to empha- size the receiver of the action. Express similar ideas in similar grammatical structure. Be especially careful to use parallel structure in report headings and in numbered lists.

Develop logical paragraphs.

Your paragraphs should be unifi ed and coherent. Develop only one topic per paragraph, and use transitional words, pronouns, and repetition to move smoothly from one idea to the next. Although paragraphs of various lengths are desirable, most should range from 60 to 80 words.

Convey an appropriate tone.

Convey competence in your writing and confi dence that your reader will do as you ask or will accept your decision. Avoid, however, sounding presumptuous or arrogant. Use a tone of courtesy and sincerity to build goodwill and to help you achieve your objectives.

Use emphasis and subordination to develop a common frame of reference between you and the reader. Positive rather than negative words are more likely to help you achieve your communication objective. Keep the emphasis on the reader—stressing what the reader needs to know and how the reader will be affected by the message.

Exercises

1. Announce a new initiative using clear, simple language.

As the CEO of a growing business, you want to help employees save for retirement. Many of your employees receive minimum wage and have little experience with investing money. Write a simple, clear email to employees explaining what a 401(k) plan is, why employees should participate, and how it will work at your company. You may need to research 401(k) plans fi rst; you will fi nd information at sites such as www.irs.gov and Wikipedia.

For this new initiative, you will probably have in-person meetings, too, to explain the new plan. Imagine that this email is a starting point.

Choose the right words for your message.

SSuummmmmmaarrry

EExxeercciiseesss

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 169

2. Write clearly and avoid slang.

These two sentences are fi lled with business slang and clichés. Revise them using sim- ple, clear language.

Using the synergies amongst our competitors, we can formulate a program that not only capitalizes on the strengths of each of our respective constituencies but that raises the bar to a new level for each and every one of us.

At the end of the day, we need to think outside the box to look for low-hanging fruit, or we’ll never reach our end goal.

3. Revise to eliminate dangling expressions.

Revise these sentences to eliminate dangling expressions.

a. Driving through Chicago in the fog, the street signs were hard to read.

b. The Federal Reserve banks maintain excellent relations with the major fi nancial institutions, but they are still not doing as much as they had expected.

c. To become law, the governor must sign the bill by the end of the session.

d. While drilling a hole to bring in the wiring, a crack was created in the wall.

e. After attending the meeting, the minutes were prepared by the administrative assistant.

f. After resting in bed for several weeks, the doctor told the actor the plastic surgery was successful.

g. Although the owners have changed, they continue to expand.

h. Sitting in a diner on Main Street, hamburgers were enjoyed by the soccer team.

i. Purchased in Italy, I brought home several bottles of fantastic red wine.

j. To try out for American Idol, an entry form must be completed while you wait in line.

4. Choose concrete language.

When the U.S. government spent $700 billion in stimulus funding in 2008, the public had diffi culty grasping this amount of money. Zephyr Teachout, an associate professor of law, tried to make this amount more tangible.10 Which of the following concrete de- scriptions helps you grasp the magnitude of $700 billion? Under what circumstances might you use one description over another? Discuss your ideas in small groups.

a. It could pay for 2,000 McDonald’s apple pies for every single American.

b. It is nine times the amount spent on education in 2007.

c. It is one-third of the total amount of money received by the federal government in 2007, including Social Security, income tax, corporate tax, and all other receipts.

d. It is $120 billion more than that spent on Social Security benefi ts.

e. It is almost 3 billion nonrefundable bus fares from Durham to San Francisco.

f. It is 35 times the amount spent on all foreign aid in most years.

g. It is more zeros than the calculator that comes with my computer allows.

h. It is 7,000 times bigger than the Sierra Club’s yearly budget.

i. According to some estimates, it is three times what it would cost, over 10 years, to reduce oil dependency by 20%.

j. It is over twice the amount of all money given to all charitable organizations in the United States in any given year.

k. It is more than $100 for every person in the world.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills170

5. Analyze a simple explanation of a complex topic.

SearchHOME ABOUT VIDEOS BLOG CONTACT CUSTOM VIDEOS

commoncraft our product is

Browse Videos How to Buy

Welcome to Common Craft. Our three-minute

videos help educators and influencers

introduce complex subjects.

Find out more

Oh my, does the world need

more videos like these!

—Marshall Kirkpatrick Read Write Web

TECHNOLOGY TECHNOLOGYTECHNOLOGYMONEY

TECHNOLOGY

Featured Videos

Restaurant

Museum

Gallery

Borrowing Money

IN PLAIN ENGLISH

Secure Passwords

EXPLAINED BY COMMON

CRAFT

Augmented Reality EXPLAINED BY COMMON CRAFT

Wikipedia

EXPLAINED BY COMMON

CRAFT

World Wide Web

IN PLAIN ENGLISH

GoogleTM Custom Search

explanation

Watch one or two videos by the company Common Craft, which creates short videos to make complex topics easy to understand.11 Go to www.commoncraft.com or search YouTube for “Common Craft,” and choose a topic that interests you. What about the video helps you understand the topic? Consider the use of words and graphics to ex- plain abstract topics. Giving specifi c examples from the video, write a one-page analysis and submit it to your instructor.

6. Use simple language.

Revise this paragraph to make it more understandable.

The privileged juvenile was fi lled with abundant glee when her fashion mogul employer designated her as the contemporary representative of an ostentatious couture line. Although she was temporarily employed for the summer for an intern- ship in the design department, her adolescent ambition was to enrich her life as a model. Subsequent to altering her hair, administering makeup, and adorning herself with the fashion designer’s creations, she advanced in front of the photographer’s lenses, beginning the succession of fulfi lling her dreams.

7. Use specifi c and concrete words.

Revise this paragraph to use more specifi c, concrete language. You may make up information.

To stimulate sales, Apple is lowering prices substantially on its line of electronic items. Sometime soon, it will ship out to most of its stores various electronic accessories to hand out to select lucky customers as a promotion for the sale. Markdowns will range from very little on its MacBook line to a great deal on certain iPod devices. Apple plans to rely on Internet marketing to let people know of these price reductions. In particular, it is considering using a popular celebrity to publicize the new pricing strategy.

C O

U R

T E

S Y

O F

C O

M M

O N

C R

A F

T

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 171

8. Eliminate wordy expressions.

Revise the following sentences to eliminate wordy phrases by substituting a single word wherever possible. You may fi nd other opportunities to tighten for conciseness.

a. Push the red button in the event that you see smoke rising from the cooking surface.

b. More than 40% of the people polled are of the opinion that government spending should be reduced.

c. Please send me more information pertaining to your new line of pesticides.

d. Due to the fact that two of the three highway lanes were closed for repairs, I was nearly 20 minutes late for my appointment.

e. Chef Ramsay, who was formerly my instructor at culinary school, is in today’s society the owner of several restaurants, which are all over the world.

f. The newest sports automobile trend is to install seats made out of leather.

g. Google is now taking applications for job positions at this point in time, in spite of the fact that they just laid off employees.

h. We have the ability to vote for the best performer on TV by text messaging the on-screen telephone number.

9. Eliminate hidden verbs and hidden subjects.

Revise the following sentences to eliminate hidden verbs and hidden subjects.

a. The jury needs to carry out a review of the case to make a decision about whether the actress has a violation of her alcohol probation.

b. For our road trip during spring break, we must undertake the calculations of our driving travel time from California to New York.

c. If you cannot make the payment for the $135 tickets, you will not be able to make backstage visitations for the Lollapalooza concerts.

d. After much deliberation, the group came to a decision about how to make a response to the lawsuit.

e. Although Hugh wanted to offer an explanation of his actions, his boss refused to listen.

f. If confused about the assignment, there are some diagrams that you should review.

g. It is our intent to complete the project by Friday at 3:00 P.M.

h. There are four principles of marketing that we need to consider.

10. Identify types of sentences.

What type of sentence—simple, compound, or complex—is each of the following? Internal punctuation has been omitted to avoid giving hints. Compare your answers to others’ in the class.

a. Now that she has found her true love “The Bachelorette” wants women everywhere to know that it is worth it to wait for the right guy.

b. Hillary went to see the new branch manager but the manager had gone to lunch.

c. The new single from the band’s album is out on Tuesday while the demo version which you can download on iTunes will be available on Monday.

d. You will have 12 hours to complete the job.

e. I will try to get the project fi nished and shipped to you by tomorrow.

Write effective sentences.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills172

f. Everyone seems to be feeding off the intensity at the physically challenging football camp particularly the defensive tackles who often sport aggressive expressions.

g. The milestone homer provided an encouraging lift during a trying stretch for the baseball team.

h. Walking down the street with my sister I saw two men dressed in dark suits run- ning out of the bank.

i. See the coach and turn in your gear.

j. Please clean your room when you have fi nished your homework.

k. The fi fth order arrives today it should be the last one.

11. Practice writing different types of sentences.

Write a simple, a compound, and a complex sentence that incorporates both items of information in each bullet. For the complex sentences, emphasize the fi rst idea in each item.

a. The new smartphone will be available on Wednesday / The smartphone will have more features than the older model.

b. The captain got promoted to a major today / He will lead the army into battle.

c. Tim was promoted / Tim was assigned additional responsibilities.

d. Eileen is our corporate counsel / Eileen will draft the letter for us.

12. Practice sentence variety.

Rewrite the following paragraph by varying sentence types and sentence lengths to keep the writing interesting.

Smartfood was founded by Ann Withey, Andrew Martin, and Ken Meyers in 1984. The product was the fi rst snack food to combine white cheddar cheese and pop- corn. Ann Withey perfected the Smartfood recipe in her home kitchen after much trial and error. Smartfood sales were reportedly only $35,000 in 1985. During that time, the product was available only in New England. By 1988, sales had soared to $10 million. This attracted the attention of Frito-Lay. The snack-food giant bought Smartfood in 1989 for $15 million. Since the purchase, Frito-Lay has not tampered with the popular Smartfood formula. It has used its marketing expertise to keep sales growing, despite the growing number of challengers crowding the cheesy popcorn market.

13. Vary sentence length.

Write a long sentence (40 to 50 words) about a company or person you admire. Then revise the sentence so that it contains 10 or fewer words. Finally, rewrite the sentence so that it contains 16 to 22 words. Which sentence is the most effective? Why?

14. Use active and passive voice.

Working in groups of three, identify whether each of the following sentences is active or passive. Then, discuss whether the sentence uses active or passive voice appropriately and why. Next, change the sentences that use an inappropriate voice.

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 173

Sentence Example Active or

Passive Voice?

Appropriate Use? (If not, then rewrite

the sentence.)

a. A very effective sales letter was written by Paul Mendelson.

b. Our old offi ce will be sold to a real estate developer.

c. You failed to verify the fi gures on the quarterly report.

d. The website designed by Catalina Graphics did not refl ect our company’s image.

15. Check and revise sentences for parallel structure.

Determine whether the following sentences use parallel structure. Revise sentences as needed to make the structure parallel.

a. The executive at Ernst & Young writes reports quickly, accurately, and in detail.

b. The bride hates wearing heels, and on her wedding day, she just wanted to wear fl ats, be able to dance around, and be comfortable.

c. The store is planning to install a new point-of-sale system that is easier to operate, easier to repair, and cheaper to maintain than the current system.

d. Angelina’s children like to go swimming, biking, and play tennis.

e. According to the survey, most employees prefer either holding the employee cafeteria open later or its hours to be kept the same.

f. The quarterback is expert not only in calling plays but also in throwing passes.

g. Our career guide will cover writing résumés, cover letters, and techniques for interviewing.

16. Guess the sentence order in this paragraph.

Can you identify the order of these sentences within one paragraph? Hint: The broadest statement will be the fi rst sentence. Place a number (from 1 to 6) next to each sentence to represent its position within the paragraph.

Both Kelvin Electronics and PC Richards pay a higher starting salary than we offer, and neither has the commission cap that we have in place.

In addition to the turnover issue, our compensation is not competitive.

We have had the same plan in place for over fi ve years, and it’s time to consider an update.

In the past year, we have had a 40% turnover in sales staff.

We need to reevaluate the sales compensation plan.

During exit interviews, all of these staff identifi ed compensa- tion as the main reason they resigned.

Develop logical paragraphs.

PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills174

17. Order sentences into a logical paragraph.

From the following sentences, select the best topic sentence; then list the other sen- tences in an appropriate order.

a. The Accord has 17-inch alloy wheels.

b. The car’s wide-opening doors provide easy access to the interior.

c. With an automatic reverse feature, the moonroof is safe.

d. The Accord is a good choice for today’s active driver.

e. The Honda Accord is a well-designed, functional car that will attract attention.

f. In a variety of colors, the Accord will stand out in the crowd.

g. The one-touch power moonroof with tilt is easy to operate.

18. Use transitions for paragraph coherence.

Revisit the Honda Accord paragraph in the previous exercise. Now that you have sentences in a logical order, add transitions to improve coherence.

19. Insert transitions for paragraph coherence.

Insert logical transitions in the blanks to give the following paragraph coherence.

Bits ‘n’ Bytes is widening its lead over Desktop Computing in the computer- magazine war. ______ its revenues increased 27% last year, whereas Desktop Com- puting’s increased only 16%. ______ its audited paid circulation increased to 600,000, compared to 450,000 for Desktop Computing. ______ Desktop Computing was able to increase both the ad rate and the number of ad pages last year. One note of worry ______ is Desktop Computing’s decision to shut down its independent testing laboratory. Some industry leaders believe much of Desktop Computing’s success has been due to its reliable product reviews. ______ Bits ‘n’ Bytes has just announced an agreement whereby Stanford University’s world-famous engineering school will perform product testing for Bits ‘n’ Bytes.

20. Adjust paragraph length.

Read the following paragraph and determine how it might be divided into two or more shorter paragraphs to help the reader follow the complex topic being discussed.

Transforming a manuscript into a published book requires several steps. After the author submits the manuscript, the copy editor makes any needed grammatical or spelling changes. The author reviews these changes to be sure that they haven’t altered the meaning of any sentences or sections. Next, the publisher begins the design process. At this point, designers select photographs and other artwork and create page layouts, which show how the pages will look when printed. The author and publisher review these page proofs for any errors. Only after all cor- rections have been made does the book get published. From start to fi nish, this process can take as long as a year.

21. Revise to convey an appropriate tone.

Revise the paragraph to create a more confi dent, less presumptuous tone.

If you believe my proposal has merit, I hope that you will allocate $50,000 for a pilot study. It’s possible that this pilot study will achieve my profi t estimates so that we can implement the idea in other locations. Even though you have several other worthwhile projects to consider for funding, I know you will agree the proposal should be funded prior to January 1. Please call me before the end of the week to tell me that you’ve accepted my proposal.

Convey an appropriate tone.

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 175

22. Revise to convey a confi dent tone.

Revise the following sentences to convey an appropriately confi dent attitude.

a. Can you think of any reason not to buy a wristwatch for dressy occasions?

b. I hope you agree that my offer provides good value for the money.

c. Of course, I am confi dent that my offer provides good value for the money.

d. You might try to fi nd a few minutes to visit our gallery on your next visit to galleries in this area.

23. Revise this passage to avoid platitudes, obvious fl attery, and exaggeration.

You, our loyal and dedicated employees, have always been the most qualifi ed and the hardest working in the industry. Because of your faithful and dependable service, I was quite surprised to learn yesterday that an organizational meeting for union representa- tion was recently held here. You must realize that a company like ours cannot survive unless we hold labor costs down. I cannot believe that you don’t appreciate the many benefi ts of working at Allied. We will immediately have to declare bankruptcy if a union is voted in. Please don’t be fooled by empty rhetoric.

24. Vary emphasis in a memo.

Assume that you have evaluated two candidates for the position of sales assistant. This is what you have learned:

• Carl Barteolli has more sales experience.

• Elizabeth Larson has more appropriate formal training (earned a college degree in marketing and attended several three-week sales seminars).

• Elizabeth Larson’s personality is a better fi t for the corporate culture.

You must write a memo to Robert Underwood, the vice president, recommending one of these candidates. First, assume that personality is the most important crite- rion, and write a memo recommending Elizabeth Larson. Second, assume that experi- ence is the most important criterion, and write a memo recommending Carl Barteolli. Use appropriate emphasis and subordination in each message. You may make up any reasonable information needed to complete the assignment.

25. Use positive language.

Revise the following paragraph to eliminate negative language.

We cannot issue a full refund at this time because you did not enclose a receipt or an authorized estimate. I’m sorry that we will have to delay your reimbursement. We are not like those insurance companies that promise you anything but then dis- appear when you have a claim. When we receive your receipt or estimate, we will not hold up your check. Our refusal to issue reimbursement without proper sup- porting evidence means that we do not have to charge you outlandish premiums for your automobile insurance.

176 PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills

26. Make a positive impression.

Revise the following signs often seen in stores:

a. “No shirt, no shoes, no service.”

b. “American Express cards not accepted.”

c. “No returns without receipts.”

d. “No smoking.”

e. “No dogs allowed.”

27. Stress the “you” attitude in sentences.

Revise the following sentences to make the reader the center of attention.

a. I need the scholarship so I can go to a four-year college.

b. We have been providing affordable cleaning services to houses in the college town area for over a decade.

c. Our stores will be closed to all customers for the weekend to stock the shelves with discounted items in preparation for the holiday sales.

28. Stress the “you” attitude in a paragraph.

Revise the following paragraph to make the reader the center of attention.

We are happy to announce that we are offering for sale an empty parcel of land at the corner of Mission and High Streets. We will be selling this parcel for $89,500, with a minimum down payment of $22,500. We have had the lot rezoned M-2 for student housing. We originally purchased this lot because of its proximity to the university and had planned to erect student housing, but our investment plans have changed. We still believe that our lot would make a profi table site for up to three 12-unit buildings.

29. Use a “you” attitude and positive language.

Rewrite this email from a facilities manager to country club members. How can you stress the “you” attitude and focus on good news without misleading members?

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

To: Teed-Off Country Club Members

From: Brenda Johnson

Subject: Status of Restaurant Renovations

We are happy to announce that the renovation of the restaurant is no longer behind schedule. I know that many of you are frustrated by the delay, but we should be ready to reopen the north end of the restaurant for private parties by March 31.

Unfortunately, we cannot accept party reservations until March 15.

If you need more information, do not hesitate to contact me.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 177

30. Emphasize receiver benefi ts.

Revise the following sentences to emphasize receiver benefi ts.

a. We have been in the business of repairing sewing machines for more than 40 years.

b. We need donations so that we can expand the free-food program in this community.

c. Company policy requires us to impose a 2% late charge when customers don’t pay their bills on time.

d. Although the refund department is open from 9:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M., it is closed from 1:00 P.M. to 2:00 P.M. so that our employees can take their lunch breaks.

178 PART 2 Developing Your Business Writing Skills

Writeaway Hotels Even in a fast-paced company like Writeaway Hotels, your writing refl ects on your cred- ibility as a business professional. Take this opportunity to revise some of the emails you created for this simulation in Chapter 4.

To do this, you might look over your sent messages and choose a few to edit. Or, you might sign into another student’s email—for the character he or she played—and choose a few messages to edit. How can you improve your writing now that you have more time?

Another option is to practice by revising the following emails—sent by students who participated in this simulation in the past. For their future writing, what advice would you give these students? In the fi rst email exchange, Pat responds to Diana, the upset client; in the second email, Pat responds to Ron, the HR manager. For the response to Ron, you might consider lessons learned about potential legal consequences of communica- tion, discussed in Chapter 1.

Reply Forward Diana1 is not available to chat

Pat2 Gibson to Diana1 show details 9:46 AM (0 minutes ago) Reply

Diana Banana,

You know I love ya, babe! I had family issue that required my immediate attention. It won’t happen again.

Pat

Missed Conference Call Inbox X

Diana1 Chavez to me show details 9:45 AM (0 minutes ago)

Pat,

Why weren’t you on the conference call this morning with Bill? We just talked about this yesterday, so I’m sure you knew about it. I was embarrassed that you weren’t on.

This brings up a bigger issue: I’m glad business is going so well for you and that you have a lot of new clients. But I’m starting to feel like I’m getting less attention now, and I want to make sure that we can maintain the good working relationship we’ve had in the past.

Diana

Reply

Reply Forward Diana1 is not available to chat

Reply Forward Ron1 is not available to chat

Pat11 Gibson to Ron1 show details 9:33 AM (14 minutes ago) Reply

Hello Mr. Harrison,

Yes, that incident did occur in my department. I will definitely discuss the matter with you tomorrow morning at 10:00.

Confidential Inbox X

Ron1 Harrison to me show details 9:32 AM (15 minutes ago)

Dear Pat,

We need to talk. Someone in your department filed a sexual harassment complaint, and I’d like to discuss it with you. Are you available tomorrow at 10:00? That time would work best for me. Please let me know asap.

Regards, Ron

Reply

Reply Forward Ron1 is not available to chat

© I S

T O

C K

P H

O T

O .C

O M

/S IR

IM O

COURTESY OF ED MARION, EDMARION.COM

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 5 Revising Your Writing 179

1. “Funny Headlines,” www .plainlanguage.gov/examples/ humor/headlines.cfm, accessed July 30, 2010.

2. Tim Webb, “BP Boss Admits Job on the Line over Gulf Oil Spill,” The Guardian, May 14, 2010, www .guardian.co.uk, accessed July 30, 2010.

3. Daniel M. Oppenheimer, “Consequences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity: Problems with Using Long Words Needlessly,” Applied Cognitive Psychology, vol. 20, pp. 139–156 (2006). Quoted in Richard Morin, “Nerds Gone Wild,” The 2006 Ig Nobel Awards, Pew Center Research Publications, October 6, 2006, http://pewresearch .org/pubs/72/nerds-gone-wild, accessed October 23, 2010.

4. Dave Zinczenko and Matt Goulding, “The 5 Worst Kids’ Meals in America,” July 23, 2010, http://today .msnbc.msn.com/id/38367754/ns/ today-today_health/t/worst- kids-meals-america/, accessed July 30, 2010.

5. “What Silly Sounding Business Jargon Do You Have to Hear al [sic] the Time? Discuss!” Mark Hanes, Response to LinkedIn Questions, August 18, 2008, www.linkedin.com, accessed August 2, 2010.

6. “Improving Communication from the Federal Government to the Public,” Plain Language Action and Information Network (PLAIN), www.diversityrx.org/resources/ plain-language-improving- communication-federal- government-public, accessed August 1, 2010.

7. Richard A. Lanham, Revising Business Prose (New York: Scribner’s, 1981), p. 2.

8. This example has been modifi ed to protect the writer.

9. Adrian Chen, “Steve Jobs in Email Pissing Match with College Journalism Student,” Gawker, September 17, 2010, www.gawker .com/5641211/steve-jobs-in- email-pissing-match-with-college- journalism-student, accessed October 19, 2010.

10. Zephyr Teachout, Selected from “How Much Is 700 Billion?” September 21, 2008, www .techpresident.com/node/6362, accessed August 2, 2010.

11. Common Craft Home Page, www.commoncraft.com, accessed August 2, 2010.

NotesNNooteees

180

“Nordstrom has a reputation for personal service, but this is the

fi rst time I received a written thank-

you note from any salesperson there—or

from any store.1” — NORDSTROM CUSTOMER

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

After you have fi nished this chapter,

you should be able to

Compose a neutral message.

Respond to a neutral message.

Compose a goodwill message.

Address customer comments online.

Chapter 6

Planning a Neutral or Positive Message (6)

Organizing a Neutral Message (6) Major Idea First (6)

Neutral and Positive Messages (6) Explanation and Details (6) Friendly Closing (6) Sending Instant

Messages for Neutral Messages (6) When to IM at Work (6)

How to IM at Work (6) Responding to a Neutral Message

(6) Composing Goodwill Messages (6) Recognition Notes (6)

Congratulatory Notes (6) Thank-You Notes (6) Sympathy Notes (6) Addressing

Customer Comments Online (6) Deciding Whether to Respond

(6) Responding to Positive Reviews (6) Anticipating Customer Needs Online

nning a Neutral essage (6)

181

Chapter Introduction: Personal Communication at Nordstrom

N ordstrom, the luxury retailer, knows how to communicate with

customers. With stiff competition in the luxury market,

Nordstrom differentiates itself through exceptional service.

The company’s service reputation is so well known that businesses

in other industries are sometimes called the “Nordstrom of . . . [the

industry].” For example, Apple has been referred to as the “Nordstrom

of Technology” for its attention to customers.2

Nordstrom’s approach is low tech and personal. The Nordstrom Way,

a book about Nordstrom’s service culture, describes sales associ-

ates’ relationships with customers. In one example, a customer at

the Michigan Avenue store in Chicago told a salesperson, “I love the

coat, but it’s way too expensive. But if it ever goes on sale, will

you please let me know.” The salesperson made a note, called the cus-

tomer when the price dropped, and shipped the coat to her. This was

a routine request, but it received an extraordinary response.3

At Nordstrom, sales associates sometimes send handwritten notes to

reflect their special relationships with customers. This is just one

of the many ways Nordstrom

has developed a legendary

service reputation.

om

ry

© A

P I M

A G

E S

/E L A

IN E

T H

O M

P S

O N

Nordstrom makes personalized customer communication a hallmark of its service.

Part 3Written Messages

PART 3 Written Messages182

TYPES OF NEUTRAL AND POSITIVE MESSAGES Business communication is often about routine topics. A small business owner asks for information from a supplier, a manager at a large corporation sends an email about a minor policy change, a customer calls a store for product informa- tion, a manager compliments an employee, or a customer writes positive com- ments about a company online. Although routine, these messages are important to run a business.

To distinguish these examples from more diffi cult communication— persuasive and bad-news messages covered in the next chapters—we’ll refer to these as neutral or positive messages. These communications can be internal or external and may be presented in any communication medium.

PLANNING A NEUTRAL OR POSITIVE MESSAGE When a message conveys neutral or positive information to an audience who will likely be interested in what we have to say, we use a direct organizational plan. The main idea is stated fi rst, followed by explanations and details, and then a friendly closing. Most neutral and positive messages follow the direct plan. In the example in Figure 1, Build-A-Bear Workshop announces a new store opening.4

Using a direct organizational plan for neutral and positive messages puts the major news fi rst—where it stands out and gets the most attention. For busy media representatives, who receive many news releases each day, having the main points up front saves time and allows them to skim the message. The indirect organizational plan, in which the reasons are presented before the major idea, is sometimes used for bad-news and persuasive messages.

A written message is not always the best medium for achieving your objec- tive. As we discussed earlier, email is often overused in organizations; calling someone or walking down the hall to a colleague’s offi ce may work better in some cases. For quick interactions, an instant message or a text message may be enough.

However, for many situations, a written message will be the best choice. When you need to reach many employees, or you don’t have a customer’s phone number, or you need a record of your conversation, follow these guidelines for organizing your written message.

ORGANIZING A NEUTRAL MESSAGE A message is neutral if you anticipate that the reader will do as you ask without having to be persuaded. For example, a request for specifi c information about an organization’s product is neutral because all organizations appreciate the opportunity to promote their products. However, a request for free product samples might require a persuasive message to convince the company to do something that will cost money.

The direct style presents the major idea fi rst, followed by explanations and details.

First determine whether a written message is needed.

Compose a neutral message.

CHAPTER 6 Neutral and Positive Messages 183

Contact Shannon Lammert Jill Saunders 314-423-8000 ext. 5379 314-423-8000 ext. 5293 314-556-8841 (cell) 314-422-4523 (cell) [email protected] [email protected]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Build-A-Bear Workshop announces new store in Orlando International Airport

ST. LOUIS (April 27, 2011) - Build-A-Bear Workshop®, the interactive entertainment retailer of customized stuffed animals, is teaming up with Orlando International Airport to open a new store in mid-May. Of the more than 400 operating locations around the world, this will be the first Build-A-Bear Workshop store located inside an airport.

“We are very excited about our relationship with Orlando International Airport and to bring Build-A-Bear Workshop to this location,” said Maxine Clark, founder and chief executive bear of Build-A-Bear Workshop. “Making a furry friend is a great way to celebrate a memorable vacation. We think this store is going to be a hit for traveling families.”

The Build-A-Bear Workshop store at Orlando International Airport will provide the same experience and interaction as mall-based Build-A-Bear Workshop retail locations. When Guests visit, they will choose from a variety of animals to make, including limited edition furry friends. They stuff their new friend, give it a heart filled with wishes, and make a personalized birth certificate. Guests can further personalize their new friend and choose from a wide selection of unique fashions and accessories.

Grab and go and new Build-A-Bear Workshop Craftshop™ items will also be offered at this store location to provide young Guests with fun activities to keep them occupied in

“Creating fun, long lasting memories is just part of the ‘Orlando Experience’ at Orlando International Airport (MCO), and it’s also part of what Build-A-Bear Workshop brings to our airport. The addition allows passengers of all ages to take this one-of-a-kind experience in an airport with them on their travels,” said Manager of Concessions for the Greater Orlando Aviation Authority, Linda Baratta.

the airport and during their flights. This assortment includes:

Stickers Coloring Books Activity Books Make-Your-Own Card Kit

The majority of Build-A-Bear Workshop stores are located within shopping malls. Build-A-Bear Workshop also has non-traditional store locations within three Major League Baseball ballparks, a store in the Saint Louis Zoo, a store in the Saint Louis Science Center, and stores located within select Rain Forest Café® and T-Rex Café locations. The first Build-A-Bear Workshop store in a hospital opened in March 2011 at Cook Children’s Medical Center in Fort Worth, TX.

Includes a clear, specific title and subtitle to describe

the positive news.

Summarizes main points in the first paragraph for the direct organizational plan.

Expresses enthusiasm with a quotation.

Adds details and examples.

Uses bullet points for short, parallel points.

Includes related information about the company.

Uses standard formatting and information for a

company press release.

Figure 1 Build-A-Bear Press Release

Major Idea First

When making a routine request, present the major idea—your request—clearly and directly in the fi rst sentence or two. You may use a direct question, a statement, or a polite request to present the main idea. A polite request can take a period instead of a question mark, such as “May I please have your answer by March 3.” Use a polite request when you expect the reader to respond by acting rather than by actually giving a yes-or-no answer.

Use a direct question, polite request, or statement to present your request.

R E

P R

IN T

E D

B Y

P E

R M

IS S

IO N

O F

B U

IL D

-A -B

E A

R W

O R

K S

H O

P, I N

C .

PART 3 Written Messages184

Always pose your request clearly and politely, and give any background informa- tion needed to set the stage. Following are examples of effective routine requests:

Polite Request

Statement

Direct Question

Decide in advance how much detail you need. If you need only a one-sentence reply, phrase your request to elicit that response.

NOT Please explain the features of your Google Docs program.

BUT Does your Google Docs program automatically number lines and paragraphs?

Remember that you are imposing on the goodwill of the reader. Ask as few questions as possible—and never ask for information that you can easily get on your own. If many questions are necessary, number them; most readers will answer questions in order and will be less likely to skip one unintentionally. Yes-or-no questions or short-answer questions are easy for the reader to answer, but when you need more information, use open-ended questions.

Arrange your questions in logical order (for example, order of importance, chron- ological order, or simple-to-complex order), word each question clearly and objec- tively (to avoid bias), and limit the content to one topic per question. If appropriate, assure the reader that the information provided will be treated confi dentially.

Explanation and Details

Most of the time, you’ll need to explain your initial request. Include background infor- mation (the reason for asking) either immediately before or after making the request.

For example, suppose you received the polite request asking about Janice Henry’s job performance. Unless you were also told that the request came from a potential employer and that Janice Henry had given your name as a reference, you might be reluctant to provide such confi dential information.

Or assume that you’re writing to a former employer or professor asking for a letter of recommendation. You might need to give some background about yourself to jog the reader’s memory. Put yourself in the reader’s position. What information would you need to answer the request accurately and completely?

A reader is more likely to cooperate if you can show how responding to the request will benefi t him or her.

Will you please complete our fi ve-minute survey about your online banking needs. We’re revamping our website to make it easier for you to navigate.

You can skip the benefi ts when they’re obvious. An email asking employees to recycle their paper would probably not need to discuss the value of recycling, which most people already know.

NOT

BUT

Do not ask more questions than are necessary. Make the questions easy to answer.

Explain why you’re making the request.

If possible, show how others benefi t from your receiving the requested information.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 6 Neutral and Positive Messages 185

Friendly Closing

Use a friendly, positive tone in your last paragraph. In your closing, express appreciation for the assistance, state and justify any deadlines, or offer to reciprocate. Make your closing specifi c to the purpose and original.

NOT I need the information by October 1.

BUT May I please have the product information by October 1, so I can include Kodak products in the next catalog.

NOT Thank you in advance for your assistance in this matter.

BUT Thank you for providing this information, which will help us make a fairer evaluation of Janice Henry’s qualifi cations for this position.

NOT Let me know how I can help you in the future.

BUT Please let me know if I can return the favor by attending the meeting with Gupta Associates next week.

Figure 2 illustrates how not to write an effective routine request. This email has been modifi ed but is very close to the original message. For an improved version, see Figure 3.

Close on a friendly note.

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

NOT

BUT

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

To: Martin Cervantes

From: Katherine Pilman

Subject: Enrollment

Hello,

I am a rising junior who applied for transfer and was accepted to be sponsored through the Transfer Division into the School of Business Administration.

I am currently a student in the College of Science and have enjoyed my coursework here. However, I have discovered an interest in business recently and therefore applied and happily accepted a transfer. I know that your class is a requirement for graduation, but I would take it anyway. I believe that communication is supremely important in the business world, and I want to learn as much as possible about communicating with people.

I have enrolled in Marketing 1050 but would also like to enroll in Business Communication 1063 as well as Human Resources Management 1071. I am seeking your permission to enroll in Business Communication. Thank you in advance for your assistance.

Katherine Pilman

Lacks a clear, specific subject line.

Uses a generic, informal salutation.

Begins with vague information and no clear

purpose for writing.

Provides too much irrelevant information.

Gets to the main point (the request)

close to the end. Includes an

overused expression. Lacks a professional

closing.

EmaEmailil

Figure 2 Ineffective Email Request

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

PART 3 Written Messages186

Delete Junk Reply Reply All Forward Print To Do

Email

To: Martin Cervantes

From: Katherine Pilman

Subject: Permission Request to Enroll in BC 1063

Dear Professor Cervantes,

I would like permission to enroll in your Business Communication 1063 course in the fall. As a rising junior, I have been accepted as an internal transfer student from the College of Science.

Will you please tell me if enrollment is possible and, if so, what steps I should take to join the class.

Thank you,

Katherine Pilman

Uses a clear, specific subject line.

Provides the rationale for the request

clearly and concisely.

Closes with a specific request.

Includes the main point (the request) right up front.

Uses an appropriate salutation.

Uses a standard closing for the organization.

Figure 3 Revised Email Request

Communication Technologies

i ti SENDING INSTANT MESSAGES FOR NEUTRAL MESSAGES Instant messaging (IM) is a good choice for simple, neutral messages that require quick responses. The example in Figure 4 is an IM from a major global consulting organization.

This example, like most instant messages, took less than a minute to complete. Although proper grammar isn’t used here, this is appropriate for communicat- ing with coworkers you know well (but may not be appropriate in all situations). Follow these guidelines for effective IM use at work:

When to IM at Work

• Send an IM when you have a simple question, need to convey information quickly, or need a fast response from someone.

• Follow the culture within your organization. How do your peers use IM instead of email? For example, do they IM only with close coworkers or only to address time-sensitive issues?

• Keep IMs short. For longer messages, use email instead.

Use instant messages for simple requests and information.

© C

E N

G A

G E

L E

A R

N IN

G 2

01 3

CHAPTER 6 Neutral and Positive Messages 187

• Avoid using instant messaging for personal or confi dential business information. Instant messages, like email, can be automatically saved on a computer or server.

• Avoid excessive personal messaging at work. This overuse is similar to making too many personal calls and may affect your productivity and damage your credibility.

How to IM at Work

• Create a professional screen name. The name you have from middle school is probably not acceptable in the business world. Make your screen name similar to your name, so people can recognize it easily. If you use a company-wide (enterprise) system to IM, you will be assigned a screen name.

• Follow the communication custom within your organization when initiating an IM. You may start by asking, “Is this a good time?” or “Got a sec?”

• Keep instant messages short and focused. You can say, “How’s it going?” or “How are you?” but get to the point quickly. When you fi nish asking your question or making your point, say goodbye so that the recipient can get back to other work.

• Follow grammar, punctuation, and capitalization standards within the organization. If your manager follows good writing principles, you should follow suit. Even though IM is fast, your messages should still be reasonably error free.

• Avoid using abbreviations, such as “u” and “r,” unless the recipient has used them fi rst. Also, use emoticons such as smiley faces sparingly, and avoid elaborate fonts and colors.

• Follow your company’s IM policy, and be aware of viruses and security risks. Avoid accepting IMs from people you don’t know, and—as with email—don’t open attachments unless you trust the source.

RESPONDING TO A NEUTRAL MESSAGE In this section, we’ll look at responses to requests for information and neutral customer feedback. In the next chapter, we’ll discuss how to respond to negative feedback from customers.

Follow these guidelines when responding to requests and other neutral messages:

• Respond promptly. You’ll want prospective customers to receive your informa- tion before they make a purchase decision—and possibly go to a competitor. Research shows that customers expect a response within 24 hours, and satisfaction levels drop sharply if responses take longer.5 However, quicker

Respond to a neutral message.

Respond promptly so that the information will arrive in time to be used.

Figure 4 Sample IM for a Neutral Message

Employee 1: do you know how to undo split screens?

Employee 1: on excel?