NEED HELP NO PLAGARISM !!!!!!!!!

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TAKE PERSPECTIVE

If there is one key to success, it lies in the ability to see things from the other person’s perspective.

—Henry Ford

How we see the world has a lot to do with where we stand. Dealing effectively with irate, frustrated, and difficult people has almost nothing to do with “facts.” This is because the things that people disa- gree about usually have less to do with objective reality than with indi- vidual perspectives. Whether we are dealing with a frustrated motorist, an irate neighbor, or an angry parent, it is differences in perspective that both define the problem and offer solutions. It is not enough, however, to realize that people differ in their perspectives on the same event. If we want to be truly effective at communicating and connecting with others, we must learn to appreciate their perspectives, with all the power and intensity that go along with them.

Seeing the world from another’s point of view is not easy. It requires healthy doses of patience, curiosity, and empathy. Too often, rather than investing the time and energy necessary to fully appreciate other people and their problems, we try to proselytize them to our way of thinking. We assume that if they better understand the “facts,” they will see the error of their ways. If, for whatever reason, they fail to “get it,” we con- tinue to press our case while ignoring their feelings and their concerns. If

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100 LAW ENFORCEMENT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

they still fail to see the light, we conclude that there must be something wrong with them. Perhaps they are controlling. Perhaps they are stub- born. Perhaps they are ignorant.

Not surprisingly, this approach rarely gets us what we want. Arguing usually does little more than lead to more arguing. Our persistence leads nowhere and nothing is resolved. This is because “facts” are simply one more thing to argue about. Even when everyone agrees, “facts” do little, if anything, to address differences in perspectives and emotions. Our suc- cess at communicating and connecting with others depends on our ability to appreciate the perspectives of everyone involved well enough to make sense of them. This makes our ability to take perspective—that is, to step to the other side or to “walk a mile in the other person’s shoes”—one of the most important interpersonal skills that any officer can possess.

THE POWER OF PERSPECTIVE

Differences in perception exist because of differences in the ways peo- ple experience the world. Our perceptions are shaped by our beliefs, assumptions, goals, values, and expectations. Because no two people share precisely the same beliefs, assumptions, values, and so on, each person experiences the world in a unique way. We all have beliefs about how we should treat others and how they should treat us. We also have beliefs about what is fair and what is just. When we believe that oth- ers have treated us fairly, we respond in kind. We are open, receptive, and friendly. Conversely, when we believe that others have treated us unfairly, we become defensive and emotional.

A second reason that perspectives differ from person to person is that we all notice different things. There is simply too much informa- tion available to us at any given moment for us to process it all. Inev- itably, we must pay attention to certain things and ignore others. Our beliefs, assumptions, and expectations act as filters that influence what we notice, how we respond, and what we remember. The stronger our beliefs or emotions, the more likely we are to select “facts” that best support our self-interests.

It is important to recognize that we can never fully appreciate the complexities of another person’s perspective. While we recognize and

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Take Perspective 101

understand (or at least we think we understand) the experiences, emotions, assumptions, attitudes, and beliefs that shape the way we view the world, the many factors that color others’ perspectives are simply too complex for us to grasp. The reverse is equally true: Other people can never fully appreciate the complexities and nuances of our experiences. Invariably, we end up filtering the views of others through our own lenses in ways that produce biased, self-serving conclusions about those others, their behav- iors, and their intentions. We often go through entire conversations with other people without realizing that their perspectives and ours are based on different information. Our failure to recognize differences in perspective can stifle our abilities to manage conflict, soothe strong emotions, and persuade others. However, by understanding how we evaluate and explain the behavior of others, we can better appreciate differences in perspective and, in the process, enhance our abilities to connect and to communicate with others.

ATTRIBUTION THEORY

Human beings have a natural need to understand and explain the behavior of others. Indeed, we often spend considerable time thinking about why others behave as they do. Social psychologists refer to the explanations we offer for the behavior of others as attributions. We generally attribute the behavior of others to either internal or external causes. The first kind of explanation, referred to as a dispositional attribution, focuses on inter- nal causes of behavior, such as temperament, personality, and character traits. The cause of the behavior, in other words, resides within the per- son. The second kind of explanation, known as a situational attribution, emphasizes external causes—that is, factors in the environment beyond the person’s control.

If, for example, we merge into a lane of traffic and another motor- ist responds in a rude or hostile manner, we can attribute that behavior to either internal (dispositional) or external (situational) causes. If we conclude that his behavior is the result of internal factors (personality or character)—for example, “This guy is an idiot” or “What a jerk”—we have made a dispositional attribution. On the other hand, if we decide that his behavior is the product of external factors beyond his control

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102 LAW ENFORCEMENT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

(for instance, he was just fired from his job and is still upset), we have made a situational attribution. The kinds of attributions we make about others, including their motives, intentions, and character, are important because they influence how we interpret and respond to their behaviors.

Because we have a tendency to jump to conclusions while assuming the worst, we need to be careful about the kinds of attributions we make. To complicate matters further, we often respond very differently to the same behavior depending on our attributions. It is one thing for a person who is having an especially bad day to behave rudely, but another thing altogether for a “bad” person to behave rudely. As most of us can testify from experience, we treat “bad” people very differently than we treat “good” people who are simply having a bad day. One problem with dispositional attributions is that the more harshly we judge the other person’s character, the easier it is to justify our own bad behavior.

When we make a dispositional attribution, we judge a person’s character based on a single incident of behavior. For example, if a per- son is rude or hostile in one instance, we conclude that she is a “rude” person—that is, behaving rudely or hostilely toward others is part of her character or personality. The same is true of a person who is courteous or polite. We assume that if she acted kindly in one instance, acting kindly is part of her character or personality. Perhaps the greatest problem with dispositional attributions is our tendency to downplay the importance of situational variables (factors beyond the person’s control) and to focus instead on the person’s character or personality. Indeed, our tendency to look exclusively to dispositional factors to explain the behavior of others is so pervasive that psychologists have labeled this phenomenon the fundamental attribution error.

Despite our natural tendency to offer broad, sweeping indictments of others based on single events, it is virtually impossible to assess a person’s character properly based on an isolated incident of behavior. In a famous study on “Good Samaritans,” researchers recruited a group of religious seminary students to test the effects of situational and dis- positional variables on helping behavior. The subjects first completed personality questionnaires about their religion. Later, they were told to go to another building to continue the experiment. The researchers varied the amount of urgency and the task before sending the subjects to the other building. One task was to prepare a talk about seminary

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Take Perspective 103

jobs, while the other was to prepare a talk about the story of the Good Samaritan. On the way to the other building, each subject encountered a man slumped in an alleyway whose condition was unknown—similar to the biblical account in the New Testament of a man lying near the roadway in need of help.

In one experimental condition, the subjects were told that they were already late for the task; in the other condition, the subjects were told that they had a few minutes but should get going anyway. As the subjects walked to the other building, they encountered the man in the alleyway, who moaned and coughed twice. Overall, 40% of the subjects offered some help to the man. Much to the researchers’ surprise, they found no correlation between religion and helping behavior. Rather, the single most important predictor of whether or not the subjects stopped to ren- der aid was the amount of “hurriedness.” In other words, the greater the urgency to arrive at the other building, the less likely the subject was to render assistance. Of all the subjects, those who described themselves as being on a religious “quest” were least likely to render meaningful assistance.

There is little doubt that the subjects in the experiment were good people. Why else would someone choose a life dedicated to helping others? Yet, despite their good character and best intentions, the situa- tional variable of time available, or “hurriedness,” had the greatest impact on their decisions to stop and to render assistance. The results of this experiment do not cast doubt on the character of the subjects; rather, they serve as a stark reminder of the powerful effects of situa- tional factors on behavior.

Choice and Intention

The kinds of attributions we make about the behaviors of others are influenced by two factors: choice and intention. To begin with, we are more likely to hold someone responsible for his behavior if we conclude that he chose it freely than if we believe that it was caused by something outside his control (that is, by something in the environment). If some- one bumps into us in a crowded market, for example, we are more likely to express anger if we decide the person did so deliberately. The way we evaluate behavior is also influenced by our perception of the person’s

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intentions. If someone hurts us, we are more likely to experience anger if we believe the person did so intentionally than if we determine the harm was unintentional. In the example of the bump in the market, if we fall because the person deliberately pushed us, we are more likely to be angry than if we conclude that the person bumped us accidentally because of factors beyond his control, such as being struck by another person’s shopping cart that knocked him off balance.

While we typically blame the behaviors of others on internal fac- tors, we tend to be more generous about our own mistakes. When we are at fault, we are more likely to blame our bad behavior on external, envi- ronmental factors than on internal, dispositional factors. If, for example, a motorist cuts into our lane of traffic, we tend to label her discourtesy as part of a larger character flaw or personality deficit. However, if we cut into somebody’s lane a few miles down the road, we blame the situ- ation (for example, we had no choice because of heavy traffic).

One reason that we are so quick to blame the behavior of others on internal factors is perspective. The way we observe others is different from the way we observe our own behavior. To begin with, we are aware of the many situational factors that influence our behaviors. To cite the previous example, if we cut into another motorist’s lane, we excuse our bad behavior by pointing to heavy traffic and other drivers who refused to allow us the space necessary to merge safely. If the other drivers had been more courteous, we would not have found it necessary to change lanes so abruptly. We also stress the fact that cutting in front of others is not part of our normal driving habits. In other words, we are a “good” person who did a bad thing because of situational factors beyond our control. On the other hand, when we observe the behavior of another person, we know almost nothing about the situation. As a result, we focus exclusively on the person and attribute whatever happens to her personality, character, or other internal factors.

SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY

We not only try to understand the behaviors of others, but we also try to read their minds. In other words, we try to deduce, based on behav- ior, what other people are thinking or feeling. One problem with our

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Take Perspective 105

attempts at mind reading is our tendency to assume that others think, feel, and react in the same ways that we do. We conclude that what is true for us must be true for others as well. The problem is that others often think, feel, and react very differently than we would given the same circumstances. Because we assume that we know more about what others are thinking and feeling than we really do, we fail to watch or listen very carefully. Instead, we act on our assumptions as if they are true.

Despite our best efforts, we are usually not very good at reading others’ intentions from their behavior. This is because people’s inten- tions are invisible. Our attempts to read others are further complicated by the fact that intentions—ours as well as theirs—are complex. Some- times we act with good intentions but do the wrong thing. Other times we act with bad intentions but do the right thing. In still other cases we act with mixed intentions, or we act with no intentions at all—at least none related to the other person.

Our explanations and expectations about the behaviors of others are important because they set the stage for future behavior. One exam- ple of the power of expectations is the self-fulfilling prophecy. A self- fulfilling prophecy occurs when our expectations of a person’s behavior cause the individual to act in a certain way. If, for example, we smile at someone, he is likely to smile back. If we take a class and expect to learn something, we almost certainly will. If we expect a person to behave rudely or inconsiderately, he will probably not disappoint us.

A self-fulfilling prophecy involves the following four stages:

1. We hold an expectation of behavior for the other person.

2. We treat the person in a way consistent with our expectation.

3. The way we treat the other person causes him to act in a particular way, fulfilling our expectation.

4. The person’s behavior reinforces our original expectation.

For example: An officer stops a motorist in an area where residents are known to be hostile toward law enforcement. As the officer approaches the car, he thinks, “Great, another idiot!” Although the officer tries his best to be professional, his voice and nonverbal behavior betray his true feelings. His tone is sarcastic, and he appears irritated by the contact.

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The motorist notes the officer’s behavior. Predictably, he offers a curt response and little eye contact, and he seems annoyed at the officer’s requests. This confirms the officer’s original expectation. As the officer returns to his vehicle, he says to himself, “I knew this guy was a jerk!”

The officer’s initial encounter with the motorist was strongly influ- enced by his expectations (stage 1). He expected the motorist to behave rudely, so he treated him accordingly (stage 2). Because of the officer’s treatment, the motorist behaved in ways that confirmed the officer’s expectation (stage 3). The motorist’s rude behavior reinforced the officer’s expectation (stage 4).

The self-fulfilling prophecy is one example of how our expectations can shape our encounters with others. Although our expectations do not always result in self-fulfilling prophecies, people do frequently behave in ways consistent with our expectations. In this way, the expectations that we hold of others shape the nature of our interactions. Thus, we need to be careful about the kinds of expectations we form of others, as well as about the verbal and nonverbal messages that we send.

EMPATHY

Empathy is the ability to understand or imagine an experience from another person’s perspective. Our ability to empathize is an important part of communicating and connecting with others. It is also an important aspect of managing conflict, soothing hurt feelings, and dealing effec- tively with irate, frustrated, and difficult people. Our ability to empathize begins early in life. Indeed, young infants can engage in a variety of self-comforting behaviors when exposed to the cries of another child. By 2 years of age, nearly all toddlers engage in some helping behavior in response to the distress of others (emotional empathy). Around the time that children enter elementary school, they already begin to show signs of accurately imagining the perspectives of others (cognitive empa- thy). Among other things, the development of empathy allows children to offer more effective help to others.

It is important to note that understanding another person’s perspec- tive is not the same as agreeing with it. For example, we can empa- thize with a person addicted to drugs without condoning her behavior.

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Take Perspective 107

Similarly, we can understand the anger of a motorist receiving a traffic citation without sanctioning his hostility. Learning to appreciate the perspectives of others is not simply an exercise in helping them feel better; it is a vital skill in every social relationship.

It is always easy to blame others for their “bad” behavior, especially when we conclude that they are unreasonable, ignorant, irrational, or controlling. While it might be easy and, in some cases, natural to blame others, it is usually counterproductive. Rather than helping us to soothe strong emotions, promote positive behavior, and manage conflict, blam- ing others only makes things worse. None of us responds well to blame, especially when we believe that we have not done anything wrong. By increasing our capacity to empathize, we enhance our abilities to con- nect with others and to be more persuasive. We can improve our ability to empathize by listening actively, separating problems from people, and acknowledging and validating others’ concerns and emotions.

Listen to Be Heard

The first key to empathizing with others is listening. In their book Becoming a Person of Influence, authors John C. Maxwell and Jim Dor- nan suggest, “Instead of putting others in their place, try to put yourself in their place” (p. 49). In other words, instead of offering advice or criti- cism, try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Advice and criticism only generate resistance. Rather than changing their minds, most people react to criticism by becoming further entrenched in their position. If we want someone to listen to what we have to say, we must first listen to what she has to say. If we want to be heard, we must first allow the other person to be heard. In short, we must take the time to understand the experience from her perspective.

Part of listening effectively is asking the right questions. Unlike advice, proper questions do not criticize or blame. Rather, they allow the person an opportunity to share his story without feeling blamed or criticized. They also provide us with important opportunities to listen, to acknowledge, and to validate the person’s feelings and concerns. We are all egocentric to some degree, concerned mostly with our own wants, needs, and fears. As a result, we often treat the concerns of others as unimportant, merely obstacles to be negotiated or ignored. The actual

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truth of the matter is very different. If we were truly able to experience events in the same ways as the other person, we would probably reach the same conclusions.

While it is important to provide others with opportunities to voice their concerns, simply listening is not always enough. Hurt feelings and unresolved needs do not mend themselves. Before we can com- municate, connect, and persuade effectively, we must acknowledge and address the person’s emotions and interests, regardless of how unrealistic they may appear to us. Instead of rejecting someone’s concerns, invite the person to explain them. We should listen atten- tively, demonstrate concern, and then reframe the person’s story in light of what we have learned. As we have seen, there is more to managing conflict and dealing effectively with difficult people than “just the facts.”

Separate Problems From People

The second aspect of empathy is separating problems from people. Every disagreement involves two types of problems: the practical prob- lem and the people problem. The practical problem is the actual person, event, or thing that requires our attention. It is the issue that must be recognized, addressed, and resolved. In contrast, the people problem encompasses the parties involved, including their feelings, concerns, and behaviors. Problems occur when we treat the practical problem and the people problem as one and the same—that is, when we see the per- son as the problem, not as a person with a problem. When a person is frustrated or rude, we assume that the behavior is part of his personality or character. We seldom look to the situation for an explanation. We fail to recognize that he is frustrated or angry about something or someone. Rather, we simply assume that he is a rude person.

Anytime we fail to separate practical problems from people prob- lems, we risk treating problems and people in the same way. Rather than listening and asking questions, we blame the other person. Rather than trying to understand events from the other’s perspective, we jump to conclusions. Rather than remaining open-minded and curious, we assume that the person is stubborn, inconsiderate, or ignorant. We forget

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Take Perspective 109

that we can be hard on problems yet soft on people. Separating problems from people allows us to look at problems and solutions more objec- tively and to solve practical problems without unnecessarily damaging relationships.

Acknowledge and Validate

The final strategy for improving our ability to empathize is acknowl- edgment and validation. One common theme among highly emotional, irate, and angry people is a desire for acknowledgment and validation. The need for recognition appears to be a universal human motivation, and the simple act of acknowledging a person’s emotions, interests, and concerns can go a long way toward managing their response. This can be as simple as stating, “So, if I understand you correctly . . .” or “This must be very difficult for you.” We all crave acknowledgment and have a strong need to be heard. This is why we continue to press our point until we feel validated. Perhaps the single biggest mistake we can make is advising someone to “calm down” because the problem is “no big deal.”

Again, it is worth noting that acknowledgment is not the same thing as agreement. For example, we can acknowledge a person’s feelings without condoning his bad behavior or lack of emotional control. More- over, the simple act of acknowledging a person’s concerns and feeling can go a long way toward building rapport, promoting positive behavior, and opening lines of communication.

SUMMARY

How we see and define problems has a lot to do with where we stand. Seeing things from another person’s perspective is not always easy. It requires plenty of patience, curiosity, and empathy. However, the abil- ity to see things from the perspectives of others is more than an exercise in helping them feel better; it is critical to the success of every social relationship. One reason people have different perspectives is that we all experience and remember events differently. Because no two people have exactly the same expectations, beliefs, assumptions, values, and needs, no two people experience an event in precisely the same way.

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These differences are further complicated by the kinds of attributions we make in explaining our behavior and the behavior of others.

While we typically attribute the behavior of others to internal causes (personality or character), we tend to attribute our own behavior to situa- tional factors (something in the environment beyond our control). This is because we often forget that what we say and do depends as much on sit- uational factors as on personality or character. Our abilities to understand the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of others depend on empathy—that is, the ability to “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.” We can improve our ability to empathize by listening actively, separating problems from people, and offering acknowledgment and validation. Finally, it is impor- tant to remember that we can empathize with people without condoning their “bad” behavior or lack of emotional control.

Chapter 8 offers suggestions for improving our communication competence in each of the areas covered in the preceding chapters. This includes discussion of how we can use the Johari window and the conscious competence model of learning to improve our attitudes and skills in virtually every aspect of communication. The final chapter also provides an overview of the importance of assessment, practice, and feedback. While improving our abilities to communicate and to con- nect with others is often hard work, with the willingness to invest the necessary time and effort, we all can be more successful in establishing rapport, connecting with others, solving problems, managing emotions, and dealing effectively with irate, frustrated, and difficult people.

STUDY QUESTIONS

1. List three reasons our perceptions and perspectives differ from those of others.

2. Describe the two types of attributions we use to understand and explain the behaviors of others.

3. What is the fundamental attribution error?

4. What two factors influence the kinds of attributions we make about others?

5. Explain the concept of the self-fulfilling prophecy.

6. List three strategies that we can use to improve our empathy.

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