NEED HELP NO PLAGARISM !!!!!!!!!

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MASTER THE STORY

Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.

—Bernard M. Baruch

Courses in communication often emphasize the importance of speaking and presentation skills while downplaying the impor- tance of listening. This overlooks the simple fact that we spend more time listening than we do in any other type of communication activ- ity. Studies have shown listening to be the single most important skill for entry-level workers, supervisors, and managers, influencing career success, productivity, and organizational effectiveness. Good listening skills are also a vital part of dealing effectively with people who are irate, frustrated, or emotional. This is because the better we understand a problem, the more successful we are at diagnosing issues, establishing rapport, promoting positive behavior, managing conflict, and soothing negative emotions. However, despite the importance of listening, law enforcement agencies provide surprisingly little training in this area.

While most of us acknowledge that listening is important, actually becoming a good listener can be remarkably difficult. Listening well is a demanding and complex process. To begin with, listening is a skill much like speaking. We all listen, but few of us do it well. There is also a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is a physiological

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38 LAW ENFORCEMENT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

process that takes place when sound waves strike the eardrum at a par- ticular frequency, causing vibrations that are transmitted to the brain. In contrast, listening is the process of making sense of another person’s message. Good listening requires patience, energy, and genuine concern for the other person.

We often think of hearing and listening as the same activity. We believe that if we have heard another person’s message, we have listened. We seldom stop to think about what it means to listen or how we can be more effective listeners. Listening does not occur automatically. When we confuse hearing with listening, we mislead ourselves into believ- ing that we really understand others when we are only hearing sounds. Because we spend a great deal of time interacting with others, we often assume that we are good listeners. Unfortunately, studies have found that there is no relationship between how competently we think we listen and how well we actually understand others. The good news is that with the right combination of attitude and practice, we can all improve our listen- ing skills.

MINDLESS LISTENING VERSUS MINDFUL LISTENING

Listening is hard work, even for the most enthusiastic communicators. We hear all the time without truly listening. Sometimes we deliberately ignore sounds and people. Indeed, most of us find it easy to block out annoying noises, such as television commercials and unrelated con- versations. Other times, we are so overwhelmed by information and demands on our attention that we simply cannot help but miss important messages. While there may be times when ignoring others is necessary, we should recognize that doing so can cause us to miss valuable infor- mation. It can also damage our abilities to communicate and to connect with others by limiting our understanding of their problems.

In addition to the difference between hearing and listening, we do not process all messages in the same way. Listening can be divided into two basic types: mindless and mindful. When we engage in mindless listening, we react to the messages of others automatically, without any real mental effort. While it may seem counterproductive for us to stroll mindlessly through our daily lives, some degree of mindlessness is a necessary evil. This is because the amount of information that we can

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Master the Story 39

process is limited. Indeed, many experts on cognition argue that we are incapable of processing fully more than one piece of information at a time. By being selective about which messages we ignore and which we process, we save our mental energy for only the most important people and ideas.

The second type of listening, mindful listening, involves the careful and thoughtful analysis of others’ messages. We are more likely to listen mindfully when a message is personally important or when it is delivered by someone we care about or respect. Mindful listening requires our full attention and energy. It entails not only listening to the other person’s words but also observing the person’s body language and tone of voice and being alert for signs of anger, frustration, and other emotions. Our tendency to listen mindlessly is one of the main reasons that relationships fail, problems remain unresolved, and conflicts spiral out of control.

BARRIERS TO EFFECTIVE LISTENING

Even careful listening does not guarantee that we will send and receive messages accurately. Every attempt to communicate with others is complicated by some form of “noise”—that is, anything that disrupts or distorts the message’s intended meaning. Noise can be divided into two types: physiological and psychological. Physiological noise comes from biological factors that make it difficult to communicate accurately, such as illness, fatigue, or hearing loss. At the end of a long shift, for example, an officer can find it difficult to listen mindfully because of fatigue or hunger.

Psychological noise, on the other hand, results from internal forces that interfere with the sending or receiving of messages. Anytime two or more people listen to the same information, we typically assume that they have received and understood the same message, but this is simply not the case. Because everyone brings a different set of expectations, beliefs, values, assumptions, and goals to the process, no two people, regardless of how similar they are in background and experience, will interpret the same message in exactly the same way.

The ways that we make sense of and respond to the messages of oth- ers are affected by a combination of physiological and psychological fac- tors. In most cases, however, the greatest barriers to mindful listening are

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40 LAW ENFORCEMENT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

not physiological (noise or hearing loss, for example) but psychological (expectations or closed- mindedness, for example). In fact, nothing can derail our efforts to build rapport and gather information faster than the pre- existing ideas, assumptions, and stereotypes held by the people involved. While a certain amount of mindless listening is inevitable, we need to be aware of the many obstacles to good listening so that we can avoid them during those times when listening really counts.

Past Experiences and Expectations

Our past experiences shape what we expect to see and hear. It is a fact that we don’t see the world as it is; rather, we see what we expect to see. Anytime we look hard enough for something, there is a good chance that we will find it. A person who was treated rudely by an officer in the past may expect to be treated in a similar way every time she encounters law enforcement in the future. Not surprisingly, some- one with prior negative law enforcement experiences is more likely to judge officers as rude or hostile than someone whose prior contacts have been positive. In fact, not only is such a person likely to look selectively for evidence to confirm her beliefs, she is also more likely to overlook positive behaviors that don’t fit her expectations.

Stereotypes and Prejudices

Stereotypes and prejudices are types of hasty generalizations based on limited evidence. While we are all prone to snap judgments, stereo- types and prejudices can be especially damaging. They can cause us to pay attention to only those aspects of a person or message that confirm the stereotype or prejudice, while ignoring others. This often occurs when we encounter people whose ideas or interests are different from our own. The same is true of criticism. We are less likely to listen to and consider criticism from those we have stereotyped negatively, despite the fact that their comments may be true.

Closed-mindedness

Closed-mindedness can occur anytime we believe that we have noth- ing new to learn about a person or topic. When we close our minds to the

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Master the Story 41

ideas, information, and feelings of others, we limit our understanding of those persons and their problems, as well as our ability to offer solu- tions. In order to solve problems, resolve conflicts, and deal effectively with irate, frustrated, and difficult people, we must remain flexible and open-minded, regardless of our personal opinions, feelings, and past experiences.

Faulty Assumptions

We all make assumptions. Sometimes our assumptions are right; other times, they are wrong. When our assumptions are right, they serve us well. However, when they are wrong, they can damage our abilities to listen and to communicate effectively. Whenever we assume that we know more than we really do, we are likely to stop listening. The same thing happens when we erroneously assume that a problem is so sim- ple or so transparent that the answer is self- evident. Mindful listening requires us to be aware of our assumptions. It also requires us to take precautions to ensure that our assumptions don’t interfere with our abil- ities to gather information and to connect with others.

Preoccupation

Anytime we are preoccupied with our own thoughts, feelings, and needs (for example, we might be thinking about how we are going to find the time to handle our pending calls for service as well as to complete our remaining reports before the end of watch), we find it difficult to give others our full attention. While it is only natural to place one’s own needs above those of others, we must be aware that mindful listening is possible only when we offer the other person our full attention. This requires that we suspend, at least temporarily, our own concerns.

Information Overload

We are simply incapable of processing all of the messages that we are exposed to every day. Even under the most ideal conditions, we can find it nearly impossible to focus on every detail of other people’s mes- sages, much less when we are preoccupied, closed-minded, or fatigued.

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We should be aware that when this happens, we might choose, either consciously or unconsciously, to listen mindlessly rather than mindfully to others.

Effort

Mindful listening is difficult under the best of conditions. It can quickly drain our limited resources of physical and mental energy. In many cases, it doesn’t take long for the effects of listening carefully to show. Once fatigue sets in, we become less willing to listen mindfully, less tolerant of others, and less likely to put forth the effort necessary to understand others and their problems.

Rapid Cognition

The final barrier to effective listening, rapid cognition, is physio- logical in nat ure. The human brain is an amazing machine. We have the capacity to process information more rapidly than others can speak. Our brains can understand as many as 600 words per minute, while the average person speaks between 100 and 150 words per minute. We often use this space (the space between 100 and 600 words a minute) to daydream, to plan our responses, or to ignore the other person alto- gether. This can cause us to overlook or to misinterpret important words and behaviors, hindering our abilities to connect with others, manage strong emotions, and solve problems.

DEVELOPING THE RIGHT ATTITUDE

Listening effectively is as much about attitude as it is about skill. We often assume that we know more about a person or a situation than we really do. This can limit our curiosity and lessen our willingness to learn. Instead of staying curious, we jump to conclusions. Rather than remaining flexible, we make assumptions. In place of learning, we close our minds. Mindful listening begins with an attitude of heart- felt curiosity. This means that rather than simply going through the motions, we try honestly to understand the situation from the other

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Master the Story 43

person’s perspective. Instead of reacting reflexively or plotting our next response, we do everything possible to engage the person in meaning- ful dialogue by asking questions, listening to his answers, and taking a genuine interest in the person and his problem.

When we listen mindfully to others, we do so because we want to gain a better understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. To understand a person or problem fully, we must engage the other party in meaningful dialogue. One of the best ways to facilitate dialogue is to ask open-ended questions. Unlike closed-ended questions, which require nothing more than yes or no responses, open-ended questions do not limit a person’s replies. For example, questions such as “What happened?” or “Can you tell me what’s going on?” cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. Rather, they require narrative responses. Open-ended ques- tions allow people to build their answers around what they believe are the most important issues. The information provided then sets the stage for follow-up questions, which should reflect the same formula. Examples of follow-up questions include “What happened next?” and “Can you give me an example?” Open-ended initial questions and follow-up questions are both important, and both can generate valuable information.

Asking the right questions is important; however, doing so is of little value unless we approach the conversation with the right attitude. This is not a trivial point. Our words and behaviors reflect our attitude. Our attitude—as well as the words and behaviors that follow—should communicate interest in the person and her problem. Displaying such an attitude is not always easy, especially when we are dealing with someone who resists or refuses to cooperate. While it may be natural to react to resistance by pressing our point, this approach is usually not very effective. The harder we push, the harder the other person resists. Contrary to popular belief, the best way to overcome resistance is to apply less pressure, not more. If we want others to hear what we have to say, we must first listen to what they have to say. If we want others to acknowledge our concerns, we must first acknowledge their concerns. If we want to persuade others, we need to listen, not talk. Indeed, listening with an attitude of sincerity, curiosity, and patience is arguably the single most important tool that we have for motivating and persuading others.

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Sincerity

If we expect others to engage us in meaningful dialogue, we must be sincere. The way a person sees us, our interests, and our reasons for asking will affect his decision to tell his story and how much of it he is willing to share. Simply put, perception matters. Before we can convince another person to share his thoughts and feelings, we must first commu- nicate genuine interest in the person and his problem. Others can usually see through disingenuous attempts to appear sincere and often react to such attempted deception with anger. People pay attention not only to our words but also to our nonverbal messages, including our posture, facial expressions, and eye contact. If our body language and emotions are insincere, nothing else that we do (for example, how intently we appear to listen or how sincerely we attempt to behave) will really matter.

Curiosity

In order to establish and maintain a dialogue, we must create an environment in which the person feels safe to talk. This includes demon- strating appropriate levels of curiosity and open-mindedness. Genuine curiosity permits us to withhold judgment until we fully understand the facts. Rather than jumping to conclusions, we remain open to new information and ideas. Open-mindedness allows us to acknowledge that there is always something more to learn about the person and about his problem. Simply put, the longer we withhold judgment and the more we know, the better our abilities to diagnose the problem and to find workable solutions.

Patience

Understanding and listening can be hard work. Considerable time, patience, and persistence are often required to gather enough informa- tion to fully understand a person’s thoughts and feelings. To complicate matters, people are usually reluctant to share their thoughts and feel- ings with someone they do not know very well. This is especially true when people are irritated, frustrated, or emotional. Adrenaline and other bodily chemicals that fuel strong emotions often require considerable time to dissipate. During that time, a person’s thoughts, feelings, and

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Master the Story 45

behaviors can vary considerably. What was important one moment can be completely forgotten in the next. People often need time to figure out why they are upset or emotional. This means that if we hope to get to the root cause of a problem, we need to be especially patient.

EIGHT-STEP STRATEGY FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING

While mindful listening may appear to be a single process, it actually consists of several activities that occur simultaneously or in rapid suc- cession. We can improve our abilities to listen and to respond by break- ing up the listening process into the following eight specific, easily managed behaviors.

Step 1: Offer an Invitation

The first step to engaging someone in meaningful dialogue—that is, a respectful exchange of information and ideas—is to offer an invi- tation. Friends do not intimidate or coerce one another into providing information. People choose whether or not to participate in a dialogue because they have something to say or because they want to hear what the other person has to offer. In other words, both parties must decide whether or not to participate and, if they participate, how much infor- mation they are willing to share. One way of improving our odds that a person will participate is to offer an invitation. We might say, for exam- ple, “Sir, I would like your help in better understanding what’s going on,” or ask, “Ma’am, do you mind talking about what happened?”

Step 2: Eliminate Distractions

Distractions come in two forms: external and internal. External distractions are the things occurring around us—for example, ringing telephones, traffic, and radio communications. Internal distractions are the physiological and psychological influences that interfere with our abilities to listen and to communicate effectively. Before we attempt to facilitate a meaningful dialogue, we should eliminate all possible dis- tractions. This might include, among other things, turning off the tele- phone, turning down the radio or television, and closing the office door.

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Step 3: Pay Attention

The third step is to devote our full attention and energy to the other person. Mindful listening requires us to do more than simply listen to a person’s words. We must listen with both our ears and our eyes. In other words, we should listen not only to the person’s words but also to her voice (for example, pitch, tone, and cadence) and observe her nonverbal behaviors (for example, facial expressions, gaze, and posture). Because the messages that people send are communicated through a combination of verbal and nonverbal signals, we need to pay close attention to the inter- play of both types of messages to maximize our listening effectiveness.

Step 4: Listen for Key Words

When people speak, they often provide important insights into their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Most of the time, neither the speaker nor the listener picks up on these clues. This makes it especially important for us to listen actively to the person’s words and behaviors, including listening for background messages, key words, and unspoken emotions, many of which are communicated nonverbally. Identifying key words and emotions can be especially helpful as we try to define issues, formulate questions, and guide the conversation.

Step 5: Acknowledge

When someone fails to listen, we often assume that it is because the person doesn’t care. This is almost never the case. The main reason that others fail to listen is because they don’t feel heard. Before we can expect a person to listen to our concerns, we must first acknowledge his concerns. Acknowledging a person is one of the simplest and most cost-effective ways of demonstrating empathy, interest, and sincerity, all of which are critical to effective listening.

Step 6: Provide Feedback

One of the best ways to demonstrate interest and involvement while listening is to provide appropriate feedback, which can be verbal or nonverbal. Verbal feedback involves prompts such as “Okay” or “Please go on,” as well as requests for clarification or more information, such as “Please tell me more about that” or “Can you give me an example

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Master the Story 47

of what you mean?” Nonverbal feedback can take such forms as head nodding, making eye contact, and offering appropriate facial expres- sions. Both types are important, and we should use both types anytime we interact with others.

Step 7: Mirror Feelings

When we mirror another’s feelings, we describe what we are seeing and hearing from the other person. Mirroring can be especially helpful when a person’s words and behaviors don’t match. A person may say, for example, that she “feels fine” while her voice and body tell a different story: her face is fixed in a scowl, her posture is closed, and she refuses to make eye con- tact. Mirroring provides a way of describing how the person’s words are saying one thing while her voice and body are sending a different message. This not only provides the person with important feedback but also gives her the opportunity to revisit or to clarify her thoughts and feelings.

Step 8: Paraphrase and Clarify

Paraphrasing involves restating the person’s problem and concerns in our own words. This allows the person to hear his words and problem framed in a slightly different way. It also allows us to check for accuracy and understanding. If our understanding of the problem is wrong, the person can provide us with immediate feedback. We should never try to diagnose or solve a person’s problem without first checking with the person for understanding. Simply put, if we don’t understand the prob- lem, we are in no position to offer solutions.

WHAT TO AVOID

In contrast to the behaviors described above, which can help us bet- ter understand others and their problems, certain behaviors seldom, if ever, improve the quality of our interaction with others. These should be avoided, as they usually do little more than make a bad situation worse.

Premature Judgments

It can be difficult, if not impossible, to understand a person’s behav- iors and feelings fully without passing judgment. As we have already

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48 LAW ENFORCEMENT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

seen, everyone is prone to snap judgments and first impressions. However, we need to be careful about how those judgments influence our attitudes and behaviors. When we form a positive first impression of someone, we are more likely to remain open and interested in the person’s thoughts and feelings. On the other hand, when we form a negative first impres- sion, we are less apt to invest the time and energy necessary to better understand the person or her problem. Although we cannot eliminate snap judgments altogether, we can raise our level of awareness. If we find ourselves judging others too harshly or too soon, we can make a deliberate effort to remain neutral and to listen actively until we more fully understand the problem.

Planning Responses

It can be difficult to maintain the mental energy and focus necessary to listen to someone talk about his problems and feelings for an extended period of time, even under the best of circumstances. Rather than lis- tening mindfully, we often find that our attention has drifted. Before we know it, we are too lost in our own thoughts or too busy thinking about our next responses to actually listen to the person’s message. To listen effectively, to connect with others, and to understand their prob- lems fully, we must suspend our thoughts and concerns while offering nothing less than our undivided attention.

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

Good questions are arguably the single most powerful tools that we have for gaining information, diagnosing problems, and soothing strong emotions. Good questions provide a way of learning more about people and their problems. Thus, we should use questions as learning tools, not as value judgments. This means that we should never disguise assertions or judgments as questions. Doing so only confuses people. It also creates resentment and resistance. For example, “Why did you start arguing with him?” and “Did you have to call her names?” are accusa- tions, not questions. Judgments and assertions disguised as questions do nothing to provide us with the kind of information we need to under- stand people and their problems. Rather than help us engage others in meaningful dialogue, questions like these usually do little more than

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Master the Story 49

put people on the defensive, stifle further communication, and inhibit collective problem solving.

Cross-Examination

While the purpose of questions is to gather information, the object of cross- examination is to point out flaws in a person’s argument. For exam- ple, “If you tried everything that you could to avoid fighting with her, why did you yell at her?” and “I guess you think that I am responsible for this, but how many mistakes did you make?” are nothing more than thinly veiled attempts to prove the other person wrong. People typically respond to cross-examination with irritation and defensiveness. Rather than facilitat- ing meaningful dialogue, cross- examination makes it more difficult to diag- nose problems and to find solutions. Before we ask a question, we should first examine our motives for doing so. If our goal is to better understand the person or the problem, we should go ahead and ask. On the other hand, if our goal is to prove that we are smarter than the other person or to prove that we are right, we need to revisit our reasons or rethink our questions.

Closed-Ended Questions

Closed-ended questions force a person to choose between lim- ited possible responses, often yes or no—for example, “Did you start the argument?” or “Did you swerve into the other lane of traffic?” In many cases, closed-ended questions imply that there is only one right answer. Such questions naturally limit the amount of information that we receive. We should keep in mind that the longer a person speaks, the better our chances of gaining information, and the more we are able to learn. Whenever possible, we should avoid using closed-ended questions, opting instead for open-ended inquiries that require narrative responses. This improves our chances of engaging the person in mean- ingful dialogue and enhances the quality of information that we receive.

SUMMARY

Mindful listening is hard work. Every attempt we make to com- municate with others is complicated by some form of noise, either physiological or psychological. In most cases, the greatest barriers

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50 LAW ENFORCEMENT INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION

to mindful listening are not physiological but psychological. These include past experiences and expectations, stereotypes and preju- dices, closed-mindedness, faulty assumptions, preoccupation, infor- mation overload, and rapid cognition. To complicate matters further, we often assume that we know more about a person or problem than we really do. Assuming that we have nothing new to learn dampens our curiosity, limits our flexibility, and undermines our willingness to listen. Contrary to popular belief, the best way to influence others is not to talk but to listen.

Mindful listening begins with an attitude of genuine curiosity. We listen to others because we care about what they have to say—that is, because we believe that their thoughts and feelings have value. In other words, we listen because we believe that what they have to offer will help us better understand the problem and identify possible solutions. Mind- ful listening is not a single activity; rather, it involves several processes occurring simultaneously or in rapid succession. The steps to effective listening include offering an invitation, eliminating distractions, paying attention, listening for key words, acknowledging, providing feedback, mirroring, and paraphrasing. The good news is that with the right combi- nation of attitude and practice, we can all improve our abilities to listen and to gather information.

The next chapter outlines the third step in the IMPACT model: Promote positive behavior.

STUDY QUESTIONS

1. What are the differences between mindless listening and mindful listening?

2. Describe the differences between physiological noise and psychologi- cal noise.

3. List three obstacles to mindful listening.

4. Why is the right attitude important for mindful listening?

5. Explain the eight steps for effective listening.

6. List three obstacles we should avoid when trying to gain a better under- standing of others.

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