Psychology The Child's Will and Spirit Assignment

Transcript : Angry, Defiant, and Violent Kids

What dads we love kids. A lot of our work

together early on was dealing with

numerous families and some pretty

troubling situations. But there's nothing more fun than the Sikh kids, free kids out on

baseball fields, kids it plays in school

where, you know, they feel safe, secure, and they're growing

in the Lord. Well, the interesting

thing about kids is they, they love to laugh. They, they smile about 45 times every, every hour. In a belly laugh about 70, it's about 7.5 belly laughs and an hour as well. So kids like to have fun. But what this video is going to cover

is when it doesn't, when it's no longer fun. And parents are stressed

out and they feel helpless and

they don't know exactly what to do

about their child. Why don't you grab

your outline and start working through

the course with this, I want to set this up with a biblical framework. First of all,

understanding that God's word is not silent about any issue

in our life. Really, there's so much that we can glean

from Scripture. And when it comes

to our kids, there's a lot to my name. Psalm 127 is what I think is a great

place to start. Verse one says, except the Lord

build the house. They labour in vain

that built it. God is and must be the centerpiece

to every home. And when you spiritually

connect with him and you know who

you are and him, you have something to give. Now in verse

three, watch this. It says, LOW kids are in heritage of alert

their gift from God. I'm a gift from God. Then matter. If

they're in the mall. Gary acting like wild kids, I mean, sometimes want

to strangle them, but they really are

a gift from God because it's gotta Deuteronomy 66

through nine. The home is the

incubator out of which little hearts and

hands are fashioned. That means in this, in this passage

in Deuteronomy 66 or nine, the idea is, is that truth, the

things or ways of life are to be a

part of our own life. It's to be saturated in this sort of

everything we do, Gary, it's, it's there. So by the process

of osmosis are children begin

to absorb and soak up things that are beautiful and the ways

of living the habits. And it even goes not

only to our children, but a tour

children's children. What's the

concept you think that's coming through

that passage? Well, we call it the concept of a

coaching kids. And, and the idea in

the metaphor is this. That just as a child who's trying to learn

a baseball skill and he doesn't

have it down. What, what, what

a coach does is they help sort of draw that out and the child, and they, they begin assuming the child doesn't

know how to do it. And they work a little

bit by little bit, piece by piece in coaching that child and

sort of creating a scaffold around him that helps him build

that thing in place. Fever watch little

leaguers play right? The little t

bowlers, you've got five or six coaches

out on the field. Why? Because

these kids don't really know exactly

what they're doing and they have to sort of take them over

and show him how to pick the ball up and thought the first Bayesian. And our kids as far as it goes and learning

how to deal with their emotions and

learning how to handle their behaviors and

their impulses. Deal with frustrations. These are things

that they don't come into the world with

the ability to do. And so it's taught.

And so it's taught. And part of what parents do is they become

coaches in spiritual intelligence and emotional intelligence

in teaching their children how

to live within limits and how to deal

with their emotions, especially anger

and frustration. In other passages

I find fascinating is innovations chapter six. You're familiar with it. That verse one There

begins with honor, your mother and your

father. On down. In verse four it says, dads don't provoke

your kids to wrath, but bring them up

in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Now, Gary, don't provoke your kids to wrath parents, obviously than the

inferences that we can have an adverse effect

on our children? Well, absolutely. And

when you think about, it's almost

angry, that anger that we can anchor

our kids now, don't get me wrong. I don't think the

scriptures sand. Don't say no to

that candy bar, cuz it's gonna

make junior man. That's not what

it's saying. There's things that we

do as parents that can honestly provoke

them the wrath and, and as a parent, you know what

these things are. There's times that

were absolutely disrespectful to our kids. We talk to them

in ways that we wouldn't talk

to anyone else. This creates a lot of

anger and kids and the hard thing about anger that children

experience at, toward the

parents as it is, as we'll talk at scarce. It scares kids because they really think

that their anger can hurt you in a way and see you're the person

they look to for comfort and security and for them to be

angry with you just creates a ton of

confusion on the inside. So, and this confusion

then gets relayed into their relationship

with God ultimately, where they have very mixed feelings about God. Does he, does he love me? Does he not love me? Am I angry with him? Am I not angry with them? And a lot of times it can set kids up to ultimately move away from God in the same way

that he might, or she might move

away from you. Proverbs is a lot to say about raising children. That one passage,

proverbs 226. Gary says, Train up

a child in the way he should go and

when he has ot will not depart from it. Again, the

responsibility on the part of parents and invested nests as ours. Proverbs 2215. I found this

fascinating foolishness is bound up in the

heart of a child. A, these kids

can get out of bounds and there are homes where you

can be doing everything seemingly

right, okay. And these kids are still going all over

the place yet, persistence or level of just maintaining

structure boundaries, love with limits is so important to keep

them sort of in the box. When kids get

out of control, they are approach to

a moment that yeah, and the foolishness

is back to implying that

kids don't know. And they naturally

will act in ways that are self-defeating

to themselves. And part of what we do as parents is that

we are trainers, that we are coaches, and we have to really train our children and not assume that they just

have the capacity. And one of the

things that we'll want you to ask yourself along the

lines is in some cases, do you make the assumption that your child nationally just has the

ability to deal with their feelings

in the same way. Would you tell a

ground ball to a child the misses

it and you say, what's wrong with you? Why did you pick that ball up and thought

to first base, assumes that he knows

how to do that. In same thing

with our kids. Tough emotions, especially anger and frustration. They have to learn how

to deal with that. You don't simply

just tell them to do it. You had

to teach him. Absolutely. And

the word is also, it's interesting,

there's so many stories in there. It's not silent on an unhealthy relationships, unhealthy families. I think of David and

his son, Absalom Gary. I think of Joseph there in the latter part of Genesis, where in that

family system, here was a son who

was well favored by his father and winds up being sold literally, they're going to kill it. Yeah, that. And

then the rest of the story where he makes a reconnection

with his family and the power

that family Tai, when he finally reveals himself as second only in the house of the

Pharaoh when they finally come down

to get grain. And it reveals

himself, he weeps after all those years and after all

that blessing. And it's like the

power of family is incredible in the Word of God

and of course, the prodigal son that Gary. Let's wrap up this

part by introduction. Let's get to the

core content here. And one of the things

we don't want to do is come across as a parent bashing type of

lecture here at all. We want to encourage you. We want to teach

strategies and skills to effectively

deal with angry, define, and strong.

We'll kits. It seems to me, Gary, that parents today

are probably and families are more

press stress and duress than

ever before. I was reading

a little piece that clip out

of an article. It said, could it

be that we that we possibly or the

first generations to be wildly unavailable to our kids and the

inevitable Loser, this life in

the fast lanes, that little guy

or girl with their nose pressed

up against the window pane waiting for mom or dad

to come home. And what it does is

it still instills within them getting a

sense of real anger, frustration where they

don't know what to do. And one thing is

sure, anger will always find an expression. It will. And, and other thing about

that mindset is it's the child pressed up with his nose

against the window, wondering when you're

going to be home. Remember the model that you're child

develops about you and are you there and

I'll you available is ultimately the model

they develop about God. And in, in, when

you're there, when you're with

them, when you're in their face. Connecting with them, that creates a model of God. Ultimately, that

he's there, he is with you, and he's very interested

in your life. So you bring that

scenario together, Gary, with the idea that there are some kids who are naturally bent toward and they have this temperament, disposition that

that's just the way they are. They're going to

be strong-willed. They're going

to be a little angry, a little edgy. So dealing with that, can we really are, It's gonna take a

lot of hardware. It is. Let's go to

characteristics of angry and define kids against some of

the core signs of kids who are oppositional, defiant, kids who manifest

a level of anger, frustration that

we see often misleading them

all out here today was a look like, well, it's, it's generally a pattern of what we'd

call negative mystic. Meaning no matter what you do, they don't like it. Okay. Hostile mean, lots of temper tantrums and in those types

of things and defiant behavior that

you see in kids. And this is a

pattern. This isn't something that just

last a day or two. Alright, this is

something that lasts for six months or more. It has other

characteristics. I mean, there's

temper tantrums. These kids argue with you, they lose their temper. They they blame others

for their problems. They don't accept

responsibility. They're easily annoyed and they annoy other

people pretty. They in fact, they seem to enjoy annoying

other people. They can be very angry and resentful and spiteful

in vindictive. So when you look

at this pattern, if you look at all these things

come together, It's a child who's

very angry and he's in his defiance and vindictiveness,

in his negativity. All these things sort of represent his

way of saying, I am ticked off at

you and the world. That's that's what

we're talking about. My the angry defy areas, the prevalence of

this behavior. What level is it? I mean, I think all kids

are going to go through rebellious stage. I think that the

terrible twos and I think of just

periodic episodes. I know Zach there times when you can

tell when he wakes up. He did this the wrong

side of the bed today? Yep. That's characteristic

of all kids. They're going to

have bad hair days. Yeah, they are and they

may have bad weeks. Okay. But almost like a rhythms that

tries to exit empty and may have a couple bad weeks and a

couple of good weeks. But these I'll just get this kid has

been struggling this way for about

six months at least. And a lot of times parents will see this developing. They'll see it

starting to three. They never get out of

the two terrible twos on the last into the

four or 56 year olds. In fact, six-year-old

is the, is the, is the primary Time is the most common time for this to start to emerge. And part of it

is because of the transition into school. And now there's

requirements to behave not only at home but also in school

and to negotiate all those transitions at going a level

of prevalence. Gary, how common

is defiance? This kind of defiance

in children, right? That there's a lot of

different studies, but it's generally about

five to 10% of kids. So, you know, one in, one in ten kids can struggle with

this. Are 1000. Okay. Does it just sort of

snap out of the blue or the other typical

ages where onset usually you can pinpoint and go back and

say, you know what? There was usually about school when they started kindergarten

and first grade or something like that. Is that a marker? Well, yeah, that

can be one. So transitions for families and family stressors can be times when you'll start seeing this pattern

of behavior emerge. Some of the common

ones are, for example, is say, say your child

has always been well behaved in there, six or seven years old,

they go to school, let's say say your marriage has started to

struggle and mom and dad have started arguing more or dad's

change jobs and now he's out of town more frequently or somebody in the family gets sick. I've I've seen this

happen a number occasions where a chronic illness,

chronic back pain, or an injury that puts apparent out

of commission and they're no longer

is able those specific Take this

to break it up. That's one that's

one way here. Okay, well,

we'll talk about these pathways

and ESA moment. Let me stay with these

characteristics, right? So some core symptoms, we went through the

prevalence of it. The difference between

a strong willed child and defiance, defiant kid. We we acknowledge

the difference between those

two categories. Strong-willed kids

are kids who have a lot of energy and they're very assertive and they're going to tell you

what they think. And they basically liked to go to the beat of their own drum,

if you will. And it's kids probably will grow up to be leaders. They have strong

capabilities or characteristics

that just, Hey, almost my way or

the highway type deal? Yeah. I think you

and I both have sons who are probably

more strong-willed. I think that I probably

have to be a CEO or it's going to

be hard for him if he's not laden sunk, I'm gonna write, but it's, it sounds has

something to say, but they aren't necessarily

defy defy angry. There. They are trying

to make you angry. Now that's

different from say, kid who's

hyperactive, alright, who inadvertently, through his behavior

and impulsiveness, makes you angry, but that it's not the goal or the intention of

his behavior. Defiant children are trying to make you angry and

you know how it is. I mean, if you feel

angry with somebody, there's a sense

of what you're trying to get them angry. And that's, that's one

of the key factors. Plus they, they

come unglued more. They felt huge

temper tantrums. It's not just ADHD though, probably has a

strong correlation with the oppositional

defiance. Yeah, there are

anywhere from 40 to 60% of kids with oppositional

defiance have ADHD. About 50% of kids with ADHD have oppositional

defendants. Adhd really, in essence

is that sort of fog factor and

impulse control piece that starts coming

in that has influenced other

behavior, right? It's kids who struggle

with inattention. They struggle within pages, have a haze

about them where their mind is. The wonder. I mean, it just, yeah, and then if you add

the hyper activity, they're bouncing

all over the place. So you see these

little boys who can't sit still

at the table or who liked to run inside and they can't slow

themselves down. And they, you know, good. So the characteristics of gangrene defiant kids, some of the core characteristics

of prevalence. And then a

difference between a strong old child

and a defiant child. Following along

in your outline, pathways to defiance. We want to identify three key areas

that we think you need to understand

because I think it's everything to do

with treatment. It's everything

to coming up with a plan of resolve for

that child's life. The very first

one and gear, I think it's sort of like an early

onset thing. We, we acknowledge the fact that there are some kids tend to 15% of kids seem to have that

temperament. That's just sort of it's a difficult

temperament. Yes, that's that's

a troublesome. You can tell in the womb they're kick in, right? Right. When we

was different, when we talk about

difficult temperament, it's got factors in it that they tend to be

more impulsive. More reactive. They're more

emotional things. They, when they face

new situations, have great difficulty

transitioning from one situation to

another situation. And they can be more grumpy and more irritable

than other kids. And you probably recognize it in your own children. If you have more than

one child at home, you can see the

difference than kids. Certainly, you can tell by looking around you. Gary, I think

also with that is that matching issues. Sometimes you have a

difficult temperament in a home where a parent's very different

and they have, they have a hard time creating pathways that

work together, right? We call that the

goodness of fit. And so mom and dad

typically then try to force this

difficult child into a pathway that

they like and feel comfortable with.

There's a mismatch. It creates all kinds

of chaos exactly as I can fit in

a box, right? They had the parents

are trying to sort of shaped this

child's temperament. And it doesn't fit

very well with third, so it really can be a very explosive situation because a parent

will try to use a lot of criticism, a lot of negativism, a lot of punishment to correct the behavior, to correct the behavior. The goal is to try to

correct the behavior, but the problem is that it only angers to child. So when basepair

states more defiance, exactly so that, that sense, that path, second pathway,

family stresses. Gary identified it a

little bit earlier. This could be anything Gary from family

health problems, marital problems,

financial issues. It transitions,

role transitions, you name it, those changes, jobs, any of those

kind of things. And when you really think about the life of a child, think of the losses that kids typically

go through. Very few parents

are aware Gary, Of the loss factor in a child's life from a grandparent to a pet too. If you relocate, the change of friends

and everything that's going I'd

like to make a move to another area, new school, new friends is as stressful or

death in a family. You gotta keep

that in mind. Sure. So and kids, again, are very reactive to

these kinds of changes. And you can see changes in their mood that

come along with it. So that's the other

pathway is family stress combined with the

third pathway, attachments, attachments. Gary and I coauthored a book called attachments, why you love, feel, and act the way you do. And it fascinating

research. It's one of the,

probably the prize pieces of work

that we've done to date together

and working on a new book on dealing

with angry and defiant, strong with

children right now. Gary, in that the

idea of attachments, it's different than a

close relationship. Our idea is that there

are attachment bonds, core relationships

by the way, that begin to

influence how you, how you do relationships. You think about

relationships, how you feel about relationships could give us the five criteria

will interact with the five criteria that establishes an

attachment bond. We believe our relationship with God as an

attachment bond, our relationship with our spouses and

attachment bond. Our relationship

with our children or with our parents is an attachment bond

and it's powerful. And what takes place in that relationship is really the essence of life. An attachment relationship has five characteristics. The first one is seeking proximity or

seeking closeness. You know that you have an attachment

relationship with someone when you're under stress and you

see closeness, nearness to them,

actual physical space, you want to get

close to them. When to find a way of

comforting yourself, which brings up the

second characteristic, which is an attachment

relationship as a safe haven when you're with that person and

you're close to them, they help create a

sense of comfort. So we're always looking for safety and comfort, something to soothe us in a parent-child relationship necessarily contains

hat component. Your child is looking for you to help get

comfort it when they're distressed and allow a lot of kids don't show distressed by

crying or whining. A lot of times

they can be angry and frustrated

and difficult, okay, so keep that in mind. Now, a third component of attachment relationship

is what we call secure base

exploration. It's the idea that if, if I know you're there for me and I'm close

to you, alright? And you will be

there for me. That creates a secure

base for me to go out and explore

the world. All right, into take on cure When I feel safe, my level of expert

exploration, my ability to engage the world is radically

different. It is, for example, kids willingness to go into the school and

to make friends, to find homework or

find academic topics at least partially

interesting they want to explore that comes

from a secure base. Okay? And then fourth is the idea that

a separation, and we define as separation is anything that threatens the attachment relationship creates anxiety and anger, and usually a

mixture of them. Sometimes let me just illustrate real quickly. And to bring this

alive for you and apparent is I lot of times I'll

point out to moms, imagine that your

husband tells you that he's going to be home at six o'clock. And at 930, he walks through the door without a phone call. What kind of emotions

are you going to feel? Well, it's probably

going to be a mixture of

anxiety and anger, anxiety about what's

happened to you. Where were you? Did something bad

happened to you? And anger as you know, I'm I'm really

ticked off at you. And you're going

to be mixed as to which one

you're going to feel. So same thing for kids. Anything that threatens

the attachment bond, anything that makes them think that you're

not there for them will create a mixture

of anxiety and anger. For kids though. They don't say, I'm angry at you. They act out a

should do right? Now the last thing is that loss of a relation, a perceived loss of

a relationship leads to sadness and depression. So if you look

at this model, what it does is it creates a context to

understand that. How we learn how to deal with our feelings and where our primary

feelings come from, have to do with a close attachment

relationship. And when we think

about these family stressors

that go on, one of the things that

they do is they often threaten the attachment

relationship between a parent and child. Because, you know,

for example, if a parent gets sick, a child's going to wonder, are they going to

be there for me? Or if let's say

Dad's job change and now he gets

home at 839 o'clock at night once you embed and and that becomes a major when you feel threatened in that

relationship, that throws you into chaos. Really spiritually

Think about it for a moment. When we feel disconnected with God, what

does it do to us? When we feel a perceived

loss, when we sin, when there's brokenness

in our life, it really affects our

core BA in every way. The idea that

we're trying to communicate here

and here's a good, here's a good principle

that Josh McDowell, gifts, rules without

relationships will lead to Rebellion. You I tell you this, if you're disciplining

all the time, if you feel there's

a real disconnect, if you're exhausted because this is a real

battle for you. Gary, and I'll

tell you this, The quality of your

relationship with your child has

everything to do with the effectiveness

of your discipline. You show me a

home where all that's going on

as discipline. And I'll show you a home. Let's last relational

connection. Now, that's setting up the thesis

of where we're going to bring

this saying home for strategies for

stressed out parents. Gary. Unfortunately, in this process of attachment, we do develop soul

wounds and it affects our core relational

beliefs about how we perceive other

people when we find them available,

accessible. Can I trust them

with my heart and also affects my

belief about myself? Am I worthy to be loved? Yeah, I'm, I love

bubble solvable, right? I mean, it's that

kind of thing. And so when I get into moments of stress or

duress in my life, when my sort of attachment relationship

is threatened. What do I go to

the Commerce, soothe myself,

and what kind of emotion pours out at me. Hence the idea of

anger and defiance, profound sorrow, grief,

that's uncontrolled. You know, that,

that's unhealthy. That's the factor we believe that we're

seeing a lot of homes that is influencing the anger and defiance

in that home. Right. So the sole wound or the attachment

wound in the child, in a sense, is what

creates the wrath. Remember, don't provoke your

children to wrap. This creates the

wrath and the child. Now what happens when

a child gets angry is that where you start

to see acting out, defiant, spiteful,

vindictive, resentful and easily

annoyed, kinda kit. He's worked up. And

what happens is then parents who are

stressed out themselves

overreact and this, they don't try to figure out

behaviourally, right? Try to control

or get invested. Which leads us to, in the outlying point

number four, it's the idea of

parental patterns of response to the to the wounded shot to

this wounded child. This this child

is going through it sets whether it's

real or proceed. It's real to the child and what they're doing

in their has everything to do with your response as a parent, that person of influence

in his or her life. Now, Gary, the first parental pattern

of response, we call it the

coercion model. Really, it's that

parent who gets so frustrated what they

try to do, it's okay. They just want to reach

over and just set you down and

straighten you out. And they bring the

rules down even more tightly in that

child's life. It makes sense. All right. If that's the way

you're going to be, fine, this is what

we're gonna do, right? So one of the things that they do in course of parenting is that they actually crank

up the number, number of commands

that they issued toward their child in a interesting way, research has shown that parents with

oppositional children, defiant children

actually issue more commands then

parents do normally. Interestingly, normal

parents are issuing anywhere from 1400 to

2 thousand company, even the best of kids get, the best of kids

only keep 80%. So what happens is, in course of

parent parenting and includes 44 things. One is a lot of

ineffective commands. You're issuing a tonic commands

towards your child. Pick up that, pick up this, pick up that do this, do get give us yet

a, I get in here. The second thing is that they repeat the command. So if you tell a child to do something, you do it. They wait. And

then they repeat. Johnny, I told

you to do this. Johnny, I told you

to do this and this happens anywhere from

three to seven times. So in a, in a,

in one sense, when a child starts to do is starts to

learn how to make apparent angry by

not doing what they ask them to do when they're told to

do it, right? This has a very

reinforcing factor to it for job

because remember, they're angry

at you and they want to get even. And one of the

best ways to make somebody man is not

to do what you added. They're angry because

they feel threatened. They're angry because they feel threatened and they're angry because they don't even know why

they're angry, they're just angry at

that point in time. Third is parents

begin to use threats. If you don't do this, you turn up the heat,

so they just aren't. I'm going either

spank you or I'm going to take your Nintendo away for the

next two years, that kind of thing. And this usually goes from three to five times.

That will do this. And now by the time you issued the first

command and you're down to the

threat where you basically have to

make a decision, I'm going to do

something can sometimes be 40

to 50 minutes. So here's a kid

who's getting out of doing something that he doesn't want to do, he's making you mad. This is very reinforcing

because when you get a delay doing something Enola do than than

that reinforcing. And then finally,

the parents faced with two decisions. Either they give

in a acquiesce. Absolutely. Which

a lot of monsters that was Gary when

you're stressed out, when you're pushed

to the nth degree and you want to come home and have a

good relationship, but you don't

want to be the heavy all the time. That's very easy to

say, you know what? Right? They acquiesce

or they aggress. And usually it's not a

controlled aggression. It's not the way that

we wanted to saw Sina that the other day

we were at a church, a wanna competition deal. And after the I

want to program this Dan as this boy out there and he'd be rates this kid in front of everybody at the kid just wanted to get

up and get some I wanted one of

those little taffy. Thanks. Yeah, I love

those things myself. Gary, and he was inhibited. A little B was a little shy because the other

kids are pressing in his dad was some gap and the front of that law

don't get desktop. Kid was scared right. Now that edit jerked

him out of line. March that came out

in the parking lot, started that kids crying. Data's just gallon atom all the way down through my son's axes and he

says That's ridiculous. Dad will see that. So there that becomes

another attachment, but see that dad

was frustrated. He was he was stressed out. Then we want to

take anything away from stressed out

parents who were going to show you some

ways of handling your kids that are

different, right? But that becomes

a wound again. Alright, so the

site another will full circle, which impacts that

child's ability to relationally connect

exam and mom and dad. And if the parent

acquiesces, see what that means

is that the child learns that he can get even with you by putting it off. And for a kicker, he gets to avoid doing something that you don't

want to do anyway. So this becomes

an incredibly reinforcing pattern that just keeps building itself in growing

in intensity. Coercion. There's a lot of negative emotion that comes to

that Hopi scare. The other, the other issue under parental

patterns of responses, this withdraw or negative

view of the child. I think a lot of parents just get so frustrated, they further hands

up in the air. And next thing you

know, the level of communication or alone, that emotional connection, those emotional

strands that are so necessary for healthy families began to dissipate and disappear

while they do. And a lot of

times, and if you have a child

who's like this, you probably

agree with what most parents say

and I'll say, hello my child, I'll

do anything for him. But I can't stand them. I mean, secretly. I

can't stand his child. He makes me just want to What's amazing areas that's pretty common.

We'll see kids. The thing about kids is that their wonderful

perceivers, but terrible interpreters, and they're not able to

make the distinction that you love them, but you don't like them so that they don't make that

distinction. And consequently,

that again, comes back to the

worldline issue. If a child believes that their parent

doesn't love them, back, look what happens. It's going to create wrath. And wrath leads to the problems that

you're seeing. Gay. What really

concerns me probably in this thing most is that we develop that CNN syndrome where all we do is seeing negative stuff on our child all the time. We don't see the

positive anymore. Well, it's really a memory reinforce negative

behavior, does it? And it's really amazing that I play around with parents sometime we talked about scene and Syndrome, which is the idea that if you watch the

news sometimes all they do or cover, cover negative

stories about what's going on in

the world, alright? And everybody knows that you can watch the

news and think, Man, the world's

falling apart. That's a, that's

a kind of view that we develop our kids. The other one is, is kinda based on how we explain things about our kids we pay attention to

and what we ignore. Remember the joke that

we've given about how the media might cover someone like George Bush. I've, I told you that joke that George Bush is

out on a yacht with, with the, with the Pope. And of course the media is covering this and

taken pictures and, and the wind

blows and throws the Pope's hat

into the water. And they're going to have a Coast Guard ship go pick that thing up

and and Ws says, no, no, that's okay,

I'll go get it. So he he climbs

down in the water, walks across the water, picks up the hat,

brings it out, brings it back. Is

it to the Pope? They got pictures

of him walking across the water

and, you know, New York Times, the next day shows a picture of W walk

in across the water. And it reads, George

Bush, can't swim. Idea is that no

matter what happens, no matter what good

is in your child, you don't see it anymore. You don't reinforce it. Right. And because of that, hadn't Gary, it's a pattern that's easy to fall into, especially the sort

of a recap for a moment, especially

with, say, God's given you

a temperament in your child that's

very difficult. In the ten to 15% of those kids

are born that way. In addition,

you've got a lot of family stressors

going on. Could be any any

number of things. Money moves,

loss, et cetera. Gary, just so much

marital discord. And it seems like kids start draining

things from us. We were talking

this morning at breakfast style it. And a lot of homes kids become just sort

of the peripheral. They do their

background noise. Background noise. And but that's

if we're going, if we're going to have

a healthy future, we've gotta be

invested our kids, we do galas, jump quickly then

to our final piece and that is on

treatment strategies. What it's all about

to help transition through anger and defiance

in a child's life. Let's began in our outline. There you see it? The

issue of a corrective, relational, or

relationship experience. We spent a lot of time and the attachments book

on why you love, feel, and act

the way you do. Gary, looking at how our personal relationship are vertical

relationship with God is very much based in a safe

haven type of thing. That security,

that being in him, that a change of heart is what precipitates

a change of behavior. What does that

mean for parents? Well, it means that in the same y, we're

going to use a model. We believe that

the model that God uses with us to

change our behavior would also be the model that you would begin to use with your child to change his or

her behavior. And the idea is

that while we were yet sinners,

Christ died for us. The idea is that the

love was definitely at the centerpiece of

the way God goes after your heart to

change your heart. Because if you can

change your heart, if you can win a

child's heart, you can changes behavior. So the plan that we propose for parents begins with a radical commitment

on your part to, to transform this relationship

with your child. And you're not

going to wait for the child to take the lead in the

same way that God didn't wait

for us to take the lead. You're

gonna take it. You're going to

commit yourself to the process and

the time and the frustration

that goes into the literal sweat on the brow to make

this happen, rules without relationship leads

to rebellion. Follow that principle. So we're really focusing on the relationship piece. We feel parents, when there's a lot of

anger and defiance come down having going go into that coercion

type thing, even if they're

withdrawing is still tend to have a desire to pushed the boundary

issue extra hard. Well, we really

feel is missing is this relational

piece in here. Now, Gary, getting

this core sort of corrective relational experienced going

key components. The first one that we, you and I love to talk

about is floor time. Getting parents to increase communication

through four time. Explain what floor time

it has been for you. And when you think

of floor time, you're thinking

of a young child where you actually get down on the floor with

him and sort of you enter their world. You enter their

world of play. You connect with them. For kids are a

little older, you may not necessarily

get on the floor, but you use every

opportunity that you have, whether it be breakfast, whether it be dinner, whether it be

changing clothes, ride in the car to school, to

baseball practice. To interact with your kid. Don't Crick up

that radio and listen to it on the

way to practice, talk to your child, tried to engage them

in a lot of back and forth communication

about what's going on, stay interested,

staying gate. Now you might find that a child that went

to talk to you, and that's part

of the issue. So how do you engage them without

being intrusive, without, you know,

ask them lots of super sensitive zones. But interests who now who did not interrogating

a kit, right? You're interacting with

your child, right? All the time every

moment you can. In fact, we play with parents with teach them ways that for example, if Johnny says,

why don't want to talk to your mom, what? Have I done something? Let's take two all right. Pull them into

that conversation. He might say, yeah, you always try to

tell me what to do. You don't like being

told what to do day? No, I don't see in

that pulls a child in. So floor time looks

for every app, every moment that you can. What I'd give my my

my growing up years, my mother had us

come in at night to her bed and we would talk every night before

we went to sleep. Right. That was

probably the that was the teachable

moment and she knew it. It didn't matter even, even into our teen years, when we come back home

even late, we commend. She'd want us

to talk to her before we hit the

crib together. And that's the idea of

floor time is that you make these almost

rituals, you know, breakfast time, dinner time,

bedtime, card time. Let's go back the

Aimee and defiant chil typical scenarios, difficult temperament. You've got a lot of family stressors and

things like that going ALL demands pulling for our affection

for one another. Gary, compounded,

by the way, we tend to respond anger and other

issues in our wave. It creates a

pretty tough mess. So getting people started it back into floor time. It's one of my, one of the most

challenging things that we face and

there it is. And when people

can't do it, that's part of the problem. They get frustrated

as sometimes because we really

press on this. But remember,

the principle, rules without relationships lead

to Rebellion. If you've got a

rebellious child, it usually means it's not because of a lack of rules. All right. It's because of a lack of relationship. Floor time, that's

number one. Number two, we call it special time based on the principle or the

work of Russell Barkley. Russell Barkley

talks about taking a very specific period of time each day

where you're in. It'll be about

15 to 20 minutes where you will pick up with your child wherever they

are and what they're doing and engage with

them in their play. And you allow the

child to lead this. They want to pass

ball. You pass ball. If they want to

play a board game, you play a board game. The only thing that we

tell parents nozzle, Hangout time, hang out

time with your child. You're not allowed

to have rule. You cannot command free

special time, right? Obviously, if there

if they don't hitting you and you

don't condone behavior, you don't stand

behind, right? But your goal is to be a participant in

this relations and it's not a

time to teach. This is not a time where

you let your child about why they

shouldn't think this way or think that way. There is a good time,

forget all the world, try to get into the world. The concept of

special time, Gary Barkley found

that it was radical. When parents participate

in special time. Something took place in that parent-child

relationship that literally Transform the

anger and defiance. And kids, parents

and children learned language together. They

learned how to talk. They learned needs

and desires, things that

motivated the child that they probably

didn't see. A lot of these are

which by the way, also influences

their ability to do good

discipline, Right? Well, one of

the things that we have parents do when they do special

time is I have parents go get a log

and they begin to log down and write down their special times,

what they did. And specifically want you to label and write down something specials

that you found out about your child that

you didn't know before. So you're looking for

this now remember the old patterns

that you were looking for, the

bad behavior, trying to pick it up

and then criticize in in discipline

that child for that was the focus

here is finding something about your

child that you like, that you're trying

to lift up. Okay? And remember, this is a radical transformation in the way that you think

about your child. One case that we

were working, I remember the

smother Gary, We had she was

the perfect mom, made perfect daughter,

perfect wife, the perfect

mother, perfect. Everything. And yet in this in in the

life of her child, when Gary and I

talked to her about doing special time, our first response was, I don't have 15-20

minutes a day. You guys you

don't understand? I don't know how

I can work that in that she was perfect.

I'm doing it right. And then the second

most common challenge that we face is What are we gonna do during

special time, right? Yeah, I don't

want to do they tell us what to

do as parents? Well, one of the

things that you do is you're gonna

relax, alright? If Europe tied around your child and you

can't do special time, then this means this is the time for you to grow. Alright? This is a time for you

to learn how to relax. So time for you to

learn how to let your child lead

and you follow. Okay? And, and that's the main principle in this. Let your child

lead, you follow. And what you're trying

to do is develop a very specific

mindset that says, wow, that's really

interesting. Remember, kids think

about themselves that, for example, my son

loves baseball cards. If I'm not interested

in baseball cards, no matter how I

try to sell it, my kid's going to think

I'm not interested in him for me to

sit down and let him talk to me because baseball baseball

cards are us. I mean, that's the way he thinks of it, it's me. And so if you reject that, you are rejecting

me exactly. I get in there

and listen to his baseball minutiae. And he said to me the other day that I know

more about baseball. And you say Well, and he was very

proud of it. But I said, teach me more. He loves it. He loves to sit

down and give me. But see inwardly

that saying you value me and you

care about me. This produces a

mine that set mindset that says I

want to please you ten. Alright, so special times, a powerful tool, good floor time, special time, going down through a

third principle is the idea of getting empathy into the relationship and into the soul of a child. Empathy is the most powerful parenting

technique that we can teach you. What one of the things that's

communists people often associate empathy

Gary with sympathy. Having sympathy

for someone else, teaching kids to be sympathetic toward others. That's not the

principle here that we're trying to

really get across. Your sympathy implies

that you feel sorry for or that you feel the feelings of

the other person. Empathy also does not

mean that you agree with a person's perspective or that you endorse it, or you're advocating it. It simply means that

you're able to see and get behind their eyes and see what

they're seeing. And so obviously

the implication is it's important for a parent to be empathetic than

toward child first, it is its first

seek to understand your child before you try to trillions your

child, right? First, seek to understand. So Gary, teaching a parent, parental sort of directive

here of empathy. How do we go about

making that happen? How did we get

them sort of to see behind the

eyes of a child, through the lens

of a child from a child's world or

Charles perspective, where there's three

pieces to empathy. What parents do this well, and there's a lot of adult who can't do it

with each other. As is in your book on

before a bad goodbye, you talk about

the importance of empathy and working

with couples. Empathy has three steps. The first one is being able to get the

story right. So you're gonna check

it out with the child. So you've ticked off

at your sister because she did this this

in this set, right? Okay, so the first

thing that you're trying to do is really just describe what it is

that you think that they're seeing and feeling

about a situation. The second is that you

communicate to them, that you understand it, you check it out with them mad because of this

or is it this way? Okay. And third,

is that the person believes that

you understand and they and they

acknowledge it. Yeah, dad, that's right. That's why I'm ticked off. Now. What's, what, what I will get in

the way of empathy is if you try to argue with your child about the facts, that's not the goal here. Goal and empathy is

simply to try to understand where

they're coming from and that they believe

you understand that. And you will see if you can achieve

empathy with your child around

any emotional issue, you're going to see him go. So Gary, it's sort of to recap this just

for a second. You can do for time. You can do special time, but the goal ultimately is to develop empathy. Well, imput, floor time and special time

usually just occur and it usually when a child is

doing pretty good, the goal is to

get connected. Empathy, it comes up, an opportunity for empathy comes up when the

child's upset. So you instead of when they start

to get upset, instead of saying get

out of that attitude, this becomes an

opportunity for empathy. It becomes a time to say, what's going on

with you, what's, what's got you

upset, right? So instead of

boom, boom, boom, trying to say get rid

of that attitude, I'm going to put

you in the chair, get rid of that attitude and it takes them away. It uses an

opportunity to engage them. Remember

they're upset. They need to learn what they feel and

how they feel. My daughter, Megan, was on the playground at school. And she said Dad,

this one girl, we were playing

basketball, just vicious. Just vicious. That I walked up to her and said, you know, you don't have

to behave like that. And she said, Meghan said she told the story

about her family. And it was interesting to watch Megan's

reaction, Dad, I understood then why she was doing what

she was doing, but my response

to her was this. That still doesn't have. Cause you to take it out on us, right? Say that. And she said at

that moment that growing trite. But once you have

that i sorry. Once you have the empathy, then you can move into problem-solving

and limits. See it sets the

stage that's just, and we're going to part four and the

outline there, and that is

problem-solving. You gotta get to a place now where you're defining problems and you're

helping helping children. It isn't just

do mom or dad. It's not just you counselor trying to get in

there and say, OK, here's the

agenda, right? I mean, that's part

of the goal, but we want them to be

able to develop it on their own and to

test it and try it out. See, coming out of empathy. What empathy

begins to do for your child that sets up

problem-solving is a, it helps them realize what they're thinking and

feeling about something. Surprisingly, kids

don't know this, they don't know what's going on inside of them. When you empathize

with them, you're giving

them words and language to deal with it instead of behaviour. K. So this

becomes powerful. The other thing

that empathy does, it also begins to

help a child to see what other people are

thinking and feeling. They generally aggressive

kids and angry kids generally assume

that people are hostile and negative

and against them. Whereas if you

build empathy, if you show your

child empathy, they start to learn

that other people think differently too. So then you move into

problem-solving. What's the first step is defining what

the problem is. If you've empathize

with someone, you've defined

what the problem is. The problem is this. The other steps and problem-solving

include helping your child figure out what, what can we do about it? What do you think, right? Instead of saying, well,

this is what you're gonna do. Boom,

boom, boom, boom. Give them an opportunity to give some of

their ideas. Now they're going

to give you some really dumb ones, some really stupid ideas. And what you're

gonna do then is not say that stupid. What you're gonna do is you're going to

begin to ask them, what do you think

will happen? What if you do this?

What do you see? Get them to anticipate some here and some would say gay deeming you really engage your children

at that level. And the answer is yes, yes, because

that's the goal. If you want them to emotionally deal with their emotions like

a big leaguer, you've got a practice

with them like a big league all the

time, all the time. And these become

opportunities. Now look, I had

to do this with my son last

night's baseball park because he was upset about a friend not

playing with him. And one of the things

that happens I noticed about my own self is I get very anxious when

my child's upset. And I just wanted

to come to an end. Right. And sometimes

I don't have the patience to put up with the feelings

that they're showing me. But to sit there

and say What's bugging you? What's

eaten, yeah. Right. And helping

them figure it out and then helping them come

up with solutions. And then to anticipate the consequences of their solutions

becomes critical. Because again,

these kids struggle with how's that going to work out for you, Johnny? And that that ability has everything to do

them with, by the way. And that's your last point in the outline limit setting boundaries. They are significant. They are very important. We believe in the

importance of boundaries. Kids need structure. They do in their lives. And Gary, it's out of this structure than that. They really can

flourish and grow. Discipline, by the way. And they go back,

I said it earlier, the quality of your relationship

will determine the effectiveness of your discipline strategies. Remember, discipline

is about it. And act. Punishment

is about a person to

different worlds. Love supersedes all of it. We sort of wrap

this whole thing. I'm going to

take you back to a spiritual concept here. And in your own

walk with God. James chapter one, James down in

about verse 14, starts talking about sin. But every man is

tempted when he's drawn away from his

own love, ****, and entice them at last,

have conceived it, bring it for sin

and sin when it's finished,

brings forth death. Don't air my

beloved brother. Because every good gift, every perfect gift

coming from above, from the father of whites within whom there is no variable in a

snow shadow of turning to

interesting Gary, gods, the god of limits. But the defining

character of God, His love. Do you know that? And it's because

of his love. Because of his love.

We are not consumed. And when you respond to God spiritually out of

a heart of love. When you see who you are before the presence of an almighty God loves you, lose the lover

of your soul, the one who pursues you, then your response, even

your challenge, yea, even the boundaries in your life makes sense in your heart cries out, oh god, there's

nothing more, I think, amazing in life than

to have your child fall limp into your arms, even when they're

kicking Anthony, temp retention,

you pick them up and you embrace

them with love. You've seen it's

out of that sense of empathy and boundary setting that they, they

want to serve you. Now, we know all kids are not perfect and that

this is a journey. And that there

are no quote, clear, hard and

fast answers. But we really

believe the core to healthy

development in Child. And the key to

overcoming defiance, angering your child

is relationship, are prayers that

God will take these concepts and multiply them in your life. If you're a counselor,

pastor, what have you? That will be

multiplied ten-fold as you give it to others. Thanks for being

part of our time.

Power Transfer

Here's Dr James Dobson with family

TARC perhaps the most important goal of parenthood is to make an orderly and

timely transfer of power to our children it's a delicate balance we walk between

granting independence too early or holding on until it's too late One of

the common mistakes that mothers and fathers make is to grant their sons and

daughters autonomy before they're ready to handle it but it's just as dangerous

to retain parental power too long Control will be torn from our

grasp if we refuse to surrender it voluntarily Consider for example how

Mother England treated her children in the American colonies our early settlers

gooda become rebellious teenagers shoot demanded their freedom still

England refused to release them and much unnecessary bloodshed resulted in learned

a valuable lesson from that painful experience some one hundred seventy one

years later she granted a peaceful and orderly transfer of power to another

tempestuous offspring named India and revolution was averted with our children

the granting of self-determination must be match stride for stride with the arrival

of maturity culminating with complete really stirring early adulthood but

it isn't as easy as it sounds the key is to chart a path between the two

extremes of letting go too early and hanging on too long

Dr James Dobson with family dark.

Be There Dad

Dr. Chang stops and

for Family Talk, I'm told and when I was

a very small child, maybe two years of age, my family lived in a one bedroom apartment and my little bed was located beside the bed

of my parents. My father said it was very common during

that time for him to awaken at night to a little voice that

was whispering? My father would

answer quietly. What Jimmy and I

would say hold my hand and my

dad would reach across the darkness and grope for my little hand, finally just engulfing

in the zone. He said later that

the instant he had my hand firmly in his grip, my arm were limp and my breathing

deep and regular. I'd immediately

gone back to sleep. You see, I only wanted

to know that he was there until

the day he died. I continued to reach 44 is assurance

for his guidance, but mostly just to

know to do the same. Then. So very quickly, I found myself in my dad's plays and I wanted to be

there for much. Not just a name on their

birth certificates, but a strong, warm, loving presence

in their lives. You see a dad

occupies a place in a child's heart that no

one else can satisfy. Soda. All men out there who are blessed to

be called fathers. I urge you to be there for the little ones

in your life who call Dr. James stops

and for family.

The Vital Role of Fathering I

Thanks so much

for joining us on this edition of Dr. James

Dobson Family Talk. I'm Luann crane

here with our host, psychologist and

bestselling author, Dr. James Thompson

and his son Ryan Dobson and a

doctor and Ryan Today we're going to hear a

powerful presentation from a gentleman who I know means a great deal to both if that's absolutely true, lou and we have

the privilege today of hearing

from Josh McDowell. He's a highly respected

friend of mine. He's been a guest on our program before

along with Shawn. And for many years, Josh's been speaking

on college campuses to young adults trying to deal with the big

questions of life. When he was young, he perceived Christianity as useless and falls. But for several decades now he's been

telling people about Jesus Christ in his work as an evangelist

than a writer? Yeah, he's a, he's

a great speaker and a Christian apologist. And again, I've said it before,

I'll say it again. I respect this man highly idea to

I've gotten to speak at a couple

of events with Josh and he is riveting. Today's program will

be much of the same. He is also the founder and director of Josh

McDowell ministries. He's authored

many, many books, over a 115 author or

coauthored books, including his most

recent bestseller, The unshakeable truth, which he co-authored

with Sean. What we're going

to hear today is a message he gave at a chapel service here in Colorado Springs

not long ago, where he spoke

about his concern for the upcoming generation

of young people. Well, a message we got

here today was really intended primarily

for parents of those young people. I was in the

audience that day, and I'll tell you, I was among those who gave him a

standing ovation. People were

entertained, but deeply moved by

what he had to say. And doctor, I just

want to point out that it's a great time

for listeners to hear this message right before Father's Day

coming up on Sunday. I think very quickly

you will see this connection as Josh

gets into that topic. So here now on family taught is

Mr. Josh McDowell. If ever you have felt

strategic, you will. When I finish, in

the Word of God, David made in the New

Living Translation a phenomenal statement. When he said, I've

been constantly aware of Your

unfailing love. And I have lived

according to the truth. Folks hear me.

If any faith is based upon truth, it

is a Christian faith. If any faith

believes in truth, the propagate truth, it is the Christian faith. When Jesus said. And you will know the

truth and the truth, will set you free. When we let true slip,

we'd been gutted. We we let our kids

walk away from truth. We have been gutted and that's a good

farm terminology. I want to show

you where our young people are animals. Evangelical church, when I use the term

born again to research, you don't come on,

say, well you're born again, you get

askew dancer. You ask six questions

as a result, the questions

you categorize that categorized

for the USA might turn born again

would be a teenager in an evangelical

church who would say, I have personally trusted Jesus Christ as

savior and Lord. And if I were to die today, I know it go to heaven because he has my Savior. Nice, forgive me my sense

now come on, folks. That's a pretty

tight category. What I refer to truth, it's what most people refer to as absolute truth. I don't like that term.

I like universal. It's at, which is true for all people in all places at all times when Jesus

said I am the truth, He didn't mean it for

just the Jews before, and he meant it

for all people in all places at all times. In other words,

it's truth that external over against

internal objective over against subjective. When it comes to truth. And a part of

our born again church young people in 19, 9152% said There

is no truth. That's what do you get it? That's over half

saying There is no truth apart from me, in 1994 that jumped to 62%. In 1999, it

escalated to 78%. A born-again church young people saying there is no absolute truth. Do you know what it is now? Of folks, one of the most staggering

statistics in the history

of the church, a staggering 91%, a born again church

young people say, there is no absolute

moral standard. There is no truth

apart from myself. Take it from some

other research coming the other way. Research was show that of all teenagers in America born-again, none

born again, only 6% will say there's any truth

apart from themselves, of non born again

young people, 4%, a born again

young people, 9%. In other words, between a born-again evangelical

chartjunk person, the secular kit

around the church is only 5% difference. And let me show you

how critical that is. In 1995 of all born again church

young people confronted with the

statement the Bible's, the infallible

would've gotten true in every situation. Only 10% agreed with that. You know what,

it is now under 4%. Now folks, you hear me. If we don't reverse that, you mark my word within 16 months, it'll

be under 1%. It's dropping net fast. Now, what affects

a child's beliefs? I struggle with that

for nine years. As an apologist, as a

person who loves Truth, I have struggled with that. At about 1213 months

ago, the lights came on. I want to take

you to a diagram. This diagrams a making of a young person.

It's the pyramid. The top of the pyramid is a young person's behavior

that's kinda like the iceberg where you see the part above the water. The biggest part of the iceberg is

underneath where the rest of the pyramid is underneath the

Visual Sight. The question

is, what drives a young person's behavior? It's a second part

of the pyramid. There values, our values

drive our behavior. But the $1 million

question is, what forms our values? It's the third part of the pyramid, are beliefs. Men and women are

beliefs form are values that drive

our behavior. Now the twenty-five

million dollar question that I have struggled with for nine years is this, what in genders

are beliefs? What encourages a child to believe even

true, wouldn't you? It's not what I

thought it would be. Not what most of

you think it is. It's the whole foundation

of the pyramid. It's relationships. Relationships in

genders, beliefs that forms our values

that drives our BY. Xavier. David

said, I've been constantly aware of Your unfailing love

that once a month, once a week, a couple of times

a day, you know, I've been constantly aware of Your

unfailing love. Would that do to

him? And I've lived according

to your truth. I can stand before you

and tell you this. If David had not seen and been aware of

that unfailing love, he never, ever would've lived according

to the truth. And even then he stumbled. Paul said, and efficients for teach the

truth, isn't it? Well, we want to do We went not only our pasture

to teach the truth, we want as parents, we want to teach the truth to our

kids in a way that grasp it,

it'll transform. But what's the

key? Paul said, teach the truth in love. You that are fathers here. Let me talk to you

and grandfathers. I can tell you this. You could be the

greatest explainer of truth in the

whole world. You could be the

greatest illustrator, like some of the men that are here that

I'm humbled to stand before many of my peers right here today. You'll be the greatest

explainer of truth, the greatest

preacher of truth, the greatest

illustrator of truth. But I'll tell you this

daddy and Grandpa, if in the very heart of your son or

daughter does not believe my

Daddy loves me. They'll walk away

from your truth. They'll walk away

from your tooth. Truth without

relationships are very truth of God's Word. Truth without relationships leads to rejection. Or a phrase unknown

foreign parenting rules without relationships

leads to rebellion. Kids respond to truth

in a context of a loving, intimate

relationship. For I'm constantly aware of Your unfailing love and I lived according to truth. Dartmouth Medical School, along with several

other organizations, commissioned a

study to be done. What they did was examined over 200 scientific

studies of young people. 257, I think it was 200. And some studies of young, I didn't know

there were that many and I'm a researcher. And then a commission

your own study be done when they

released a study, it was called hardwired to connect the subtitles called the new

scientific case for authoritative

communities. Now and I saw authoritative community with my

lifestyle and went. But you know what it

means right in the front and a first or second pays to describe

what it means. Authoritative community is any group of

young people, one or two young people, say with a father, with any adult who has

responsibility to him, that's an authoritative

community. A Sunday school

class, a small group, a pasture with a

church, a youth pastor. Me with my children is an authoritative

community. That's the way

they define that. And this is what they said. Now listen carefully,

all not 50%, not 9095. All scientific

research shows that from the moment

a baby is born. Now you'd think this, they said all scientific

research shows at that baby's brain

is literally formed physically

and biologically to connect in

relationships. Not emotionally, not

spiritually, physically. Does that take

nurture and nature out of a different

level of argument? Misses all scientific

research shows it. And they went on to

say, you want to pass your values and truth onto your authoritative

community, whether you're a

father, a mother, a single mom, single

dad, whatever. Pastor, a youth pastor, a small group leader said you want to pass

your values, truth onto those

young people, a professor in a class. They said

scientific research shows there must be

two ingredients. Number one, you must

develop a loving, intimate connection

or relationship with that young person, or they'll walk away from your truth and values. No wonder David said, I've been

constantly aware of Your unfailing

love and I've lived according

to your truth. Secondly, said you want

to pass your values and you want to pass the truth and

that you want to see ingrained in

a young person. And he said You

must modeled that very truth in the presence of that

child or value, or they'll walk away

from it. It's truth. In the context of

relationships. No one Jesus said,

I have given you an example to follow Do as I have done to you. When Paul said, my children pattern your lives

after mine and learn from those

who follow are except model the truth. Finally, science

is starting to catch up with the Bible. I mean, constantly aware of

your unfailing love. And I lived according

to the truth. Columbia University

after Columbine commissioned a

study to be done, they wanted to find out was a very expensive study. They wanted to find

out how family structure between a

single parent family headed by a mother and a two parent

biological family headed by the

father and mother. How it affected a

child's involvement in drugs and alcohol, and it could be extrapolated

out to violence. When they released a study, this is what it showed. A child raised in a single-parent home

where the mother is the head is 30% more likely to go into drugs, alcohol,

and violence. Now, as a researcher, that's one height

percentage. But for a child raised in a do pair

biological family, but there's a fair to poor relationship of the Father, is 68% more likely, over twice as

likely to go into drugs, alcohol,

and violence. According to the

study than a child raised in a

single-parent home of the mothers ahead. Do you know what it is for a child raised

in a two parent biological and that

there's a good to excellent relationship

of the Father. You have to state it in

the negative because the way the Norma's

established that child is

94% less likely to ever going to drugs,

alcohol, violence. In other words,

it's possible. Totally improbable. Please hear me,

folks. It's not just the structure

will give me wrong oh, I believe in a two

parent structure. But here's where the

church has failed. We have emphasise

a structure to the exclusion of the relationship

within the structure. And I believe the

relationship within the structure is as powerful as the structure. It's relationships,

it in genders, young people. To

want to believe. Johns Hopkins

Medical School one of the finest

in the world, I believe, because

of their research. And they wanted to

find out if they could find a predictive factor. If they could look

at a young person to see if this is true in

a young person's life, they have a

greater potential, doesn't mean they're going to have these things, but a greater potential

for five things. Five things and

wanted to see one, mental illness.

Second, hypertension. Third, malignant tumor. Fourth, coronary

heart disease. Fifth, suicide. Could they look at

a young person, say if this is true in

a young person's life, they have a much

higher probability of one of these five things when they grow up. The study lasted

30 years that 1377 graduates at Johns Hopkins

Medical School does by Doctor Thomas

and doesn't ski. After 30 years of research. Could they find

a common cause? The most significant

predictor they found was the lack of closeness

to one's parents. I thought, come my

that's ridiculous. And I'm type person, I gotta having answers. So I call Johns

Hopkins and they gave me contact with

the researchers to come three minutes to convince me why

it was true. Is something that

every one of you have in your life,

everyone of you do. Every one of you have faced this already this morning. Each one of you handle

it differently. Sometimes good,

sometimes bad. That has a potential towards all five of these

things. What is it? Stress. Stress. And they found that a child

raised in a very loving, intimate environment

as they grew up, can handle stress so much better in their life. It's relationships

that are so critical. A young man, 12 to 14

years old or young girl who does not have

a loving calls, intimate relationship

at home, especially with the father. Research now shows

us 300% more likely to attempt suicide of

15 to 16 year old, 400% more likely to

attempt suicide. You want understand a little bit of

Michael Jackson. In an interview,

he said that when his parents started

the Jackson Five, he was what,

five years old. And in the first rehearsal, they had somewhat wrong. An attorney said dead in his father's Tom said, I'm not your daddy,

I am your manager. And Michael said, I

never, ever forgot that. And then several

years ago he was speaking in Oxford, England to 800 university students

and professors. He was speaking on

the foundation. He had form called

help the children. A lot of jokes go

out about that. About 12 to 13 minutes

into the talk, he started to cry and he started to wheat profusely and he couldn't talk. They said the audience

was very uneasy. Finally, young

man got up and took him up a

box, a tissue, and finally, the King of Pop got his composure. And he said, all

I've ever wanted in life was a father's love. All ever wanted us

from my father to call me and say

Michael, I love you. Any never has its

relationships. It in genders, beliefs that forms or values that drives our behavior. Many people, a, Michael

Jackson's number going up at the privilege as C and that unfailing

love where mom, dad, I want to live

according to your truth. Pastor, I see that

unfailing love. I want to live according

to your truth. Sunday school teacher I experienced I see

Your unfailing love. I want to live according

to your truth. I get a lot of letters

from teenagers. I get thousands of

letters of teenagers. Almost all of them had

to do relationships and being a daddy. Now,

why would that be? Well, because at my age, I mean, when I

started ministry, the Dead Sea was only sick. I've been working

with teenagers since a Statue of Liberty

was a little girl. When you walk

out and there's a high-energy band

out there, boy, you better have

something to say and you better connect real fast or you just

lost 8 thousand guids. So I walk out and they

chit-chat a moment, say I'm not going to

give a talk and you thank God, nobody applauds. So I'm not going to give

a talk, not going to give a speed Neil

kinda look around. So what I want

to do tonight is share my heart as a daddy. And then I'd point

out to the audience, weigh up the tops

of the arenas. I said, I wish you could be my daughter, my son. I wish I could

be your daddy. You could be mice.

That's right, kid. I wish I could

be yours too. I wish I could be your

dad. Your father. And it's unbelievable guys all over start waving their hands and did

about 2.5 years ago, they start Yele now, be yourself, be my debt. You know what's

happening now? It's uncanny.

They're starting to stand up like

in Birmingham. Number weeks ago,

over a 100 guys stood up this

you would arena start waving your

hands and yelling out, I want to be your son. Folks, you hear me theme, most powerful platform to influence kids

in every culture the world is not

as a rock star, as powerful as

that is not as a great athlete is

powerful, that is, or a politician or a

movie actor act as the most powerful

platform is as a Dadi. There's hardly a kid in the world that doesn't want to hear the

heart of a daddy. And this photo here, this letter here is

a typical letter, not our typical cuz it be unfair for

me to use it if it was a

typical dear Josh, but I heard you speak, you talked about God loving me. You said that

Jesus Christ is a friend of

teenagers like me. It's hard to believe

that why it's the truth. God loves or Christ is a friend of a teenager. But why can't

she believe it? What gives you believe it? Because the evidence

isn't there. No. Cuz she

hasn't heard it. No. Why can't

she believe it? She says, when no one

else cares about me, I want to love others,

but I don't know. Jennifer, it 15

had never seen that unfailing

love and it was hard for her to

believe the truth. Our behavior is driven

by our values that is formed by or beliefs that has engendered by

relationships. Definitely way in that

last sentence may be one of the most

powerful ones he speaks in this

two-day series. I mean, think about

those words and the implications on

every person's life. He summarized his

entire methods and we've only heard

half of it now, but he summarized it

with those words. Read it one more time. Our behavior is driven by our values that is

formed by our beliefs, that is engendered by

our relationships. That role of a parent

and especially of a father, is so important. We've been listening

to Josh McDowell here on Dr. James Dobson

Family Talk. And I think our

listeners will feel the same way about that sentence that

we do here down. And Well, as I said at the

top of the program, I was there in the audience that day when this

message was delivered. And we were captivated by what Josh had to say. I mean, as the

old saying goes, you could have

heard a pin drop. He was also reinforcing what our ministry

is all about. We care about the family, not just about

its structure, but about the vital

relationships that take place

within the family. And from that comes and understanding of the

gospel of Jesus Christ. I've said this

many times and maybe some of our

listeners have heard it. But we referred to

a red blood cell. Many people don't know what the function of a

red blood cell is. It stick carry a globules of oxygen to various

parts of the body. Well, the family is the red blood cell

for the gospel. If you get things right

within the family, it is easier to carry the Good News to

other people. And Josh does that so well. And we're going to hear the other half of this

presentation tomorrow. And doctor, I'm not

even a father and I'm already looking

forward to that. You're married to one now it's illegally

and I had one. It's a good thing to point out here that Josh McDowell has a wonderful

book called The father connection

that helps you dads build a relationship with

your children. Ask about that as well as other

parenting resources. When you call us

here at Family Talk, 87773268 to five or of course online at Dr. chain stops and.org,

lewin. I liked that. You said that when

you call us weights, not if you're

going to get in trouble sometime when

you're a parent, there are days that you wake up and you think, I don't know

what I'm doing, that's when you call us or go online

to our website. We've got a ton

of resources. That's Dr. James

Dobson.org. God bless. Thanks for listening and we'll

see you next time for another edition of Dr. James Dobson Family Talk.

The Vital Role of Fathering II

Welcome to Doctor James

Dobson, Family Talk. I'm Ryan Dobson

here with our host, psychologist and

best-selling author, and my dad who my

kids called Jim pop. One of them does

hopefully soon, the other one well, Dr. James Dobson along with Luann crane, data Lou, and today we're going

to hear the balance of a message from

Josh McDowell, who had all of us and the audience right on

the edge of our seats. Ryan, did you have to tell the world that my

nickname is Jim. I think they've used

suddenly you time. I mean, you can call me that judges don't

want your students. Okay. I think I mentioned last time

that I was there on the day that Josh McDowell delivered his message and he had us

all in the palm of his hands because the, the lesson that he

was giving was and is so relevant

to all of us. This is one of those

recorded programs That was difficult Luann for us that cutting a ham. Yeah, it was a

longer message, but we just couldn't

included all yesterday, so we're going to

finish it today. But if people listening

that they didn't hear yesterday's

introduction out, they can call and get a CD. Well, I think they

can dr. Let me give that number

87773268 to five. And of course, you can also download podcasts, stream all of those things online that Dr.

James stops and.org. Well, let me introduce Josh make Daly's

anthropologist. That means a defender

of the Christian faith. He's a very popular

speaker and an author of more

than a 100 books. He's also the

founder and director of Josh McDowell

ministries. And not long ago he spoke here in Colorado Springs about the research that shows that

we're losing the current generation of young people to

worldly values. Everything that goes with Christianity is

up for grabs. Josh has been emphasizing, in particular,

the importance of the father in the

lives of children. And I can't think of a better time to air this as we approach Father's

Day this weekend. And at the end of

this presentation, I came up to the

platform and interviewed Josh and that was

the best part of the Franklin. We're going to let

our listeners here that interchanges with here now is Mr. Josh Dao

With the conclusion of his presentation on Dr. James Dobson statement, I get a lot of letters

from teenagers. I get thousands of

letters of teenagers. Almost all of

them have to do relationships and

being a daddy. Folks, you hear me theme, most powerful platform to influence kids

in every culture the world has not

as a rock star, as powerful as

that is not as a great athlete

is powerful, that is, or a politician

or a movie actor. Actors, the most powerful platform is as a Dadi. There's hardly a kid in the world that doesn't want to hear the heart. Al-baghdadi. And

this photo here, this letter here is

a typical letter, not typical because it be unfair for me to use it if it was a

typical dear Josh. But I heard you speak, you talked about God loving me. You said that

Jesus Christ is a friend of

teenagers like me. It's hard to believe

that why it's the truth. God loves or Christ is a friend of a teenager. But why can't

she believe it? What gives you believe it? Because the evidence

isn't there. No. Because she

hasn't heard it. No. Why can't

she believe it? She says, when no one

else cares about me, I want to love others, but I don't know

how jennifer it 15 had never seen that unfailing of

and it was hard for her to believe

the truth. Our behavior is

driven by our values that is formed by

or beliefs that has engendered by

relationships. I was in Phoenix

and five-day, so it was a killer. 13 high school assemblies from Monday to Friday. And the first Monday, every new we had an outdoor

high-school assembly where they had warned me that there were a group, a Gothic on campus. And they would come

and literally break up the assembly and try to

throw me off campus. They said they do

it. Every single assembly that get

kicked out of school, they come back, they do it again to get kicked out. The come back to you think somebody smarten up

after a while but, you know, as I said, okay, so I just

started to speak. In six Gothic

scheme mumps stood about from here to

that plant from me in front of

1500 students. And I mean, just to look

at them with scary. They were all

dressed in black, black naked men and women. They had the

big dog collars with the spikes coming out. They had to risk bands

with the spikes. They had the ankle

bands with the spikes. Every part of their

body that was in pierced was tattooed. They had every

hairdo with every color you can imagine with big chains and one with the huge iron cross

hanging around his chest. And he stood there

like, fly, dear you. Not one kid went to

a party or anything. They wanted to

stay there and find out what's

going to happen. But that speaker I did too. So it out the audience, No, and I switch my talk to

speak about intimacy. A 16-year-old girl, what me that definition

intimacy better. Ni psychologists

have ever read said intimacy is a

capacity to be real with another person. That's what every kid once started with Daddy.

I want to be real. Y brought in how crazy can give you that

confidence and identity to be real

true forgiveness and indwelling presence

and everything. And when I finished, I step down off

the boulder, my, my foot

touch the grass. The head of the Gothic literally leapt

right towards me and 1500 students went. And this guy came

within six inches of my nose and I remember it well because he had

Buffalo breath. And 1500 students

didn't hear and say, see and hear him

say was very politely and respectfully

said Mr. McDowell, would you give me a hug? The number one

question I get from young men all

over the world. Would you give me a hug? I no sooner said Yes for getting raise

my arms up. He Clint arms of the side, put his head on my right shoulder

in front about 1500 of his peers

cried like a baby, felt like forever because his change we're

embedded into my chest. And when you step back, what 1500 students didn't here and the next

time you ever look at some young man or woman who's kinda bizarre in the way they dress, or all kinds of tattoos and body piercing,

everything. Before you even think

some negative thought. You think of what this

young man said to me. He said Mr. McDowell, My father never

wants to ever hugged me or told me he loved me. He see that young

man and never seen that unfailing love and was hard for him to live

according to the truth. We owe it to our

children that they saw, observe that

unfailing love. They are set free to fail. And to know they

are still loved. With my children, Kelly, Sean, Katie, and Heather. Especially in

newer, younger. When it came to a

moral issue like Rebecca saying

up here about waiting, about

sexual abstinence. I thought back to this. When it came to

sexual behavior. What there were

three questions I always ask my children. And if they

answered yes to it, they were cleaning

a potter's ham. But if they hesitated, are answered no

to any one of these three questions.

I was in trouble. It's not that I couldn't

mold their life, but I was in trouble here with

the three questions. Sean, do you know

that I love you? Dad? Shawn, do you know that I loved

your mother? Yes. Dead. Sean, when you get married and family and love and

sex and children, do you want with

your wife and children what I have with your mother

and with you? Yeah. Dad. Folks after that. It's all down here. But if the answer no

to any one of those, I'm in trouble doesn't mean I can't moment

because you've got God, the Holy Spirit,

everything working here. But when they

can answer yes, it gives a lot of meat to the work of

the Holy Spirit. It's relationships. I'd finally Kelly, Sean,

and Katie Heather, their walk with

Christ, there. Morality,

everything has not stem from teaching

them the truth. It stemmed from

teaching truth in the context of

knowing I love them. Well, don't get

me wrong here. You could be the

greatest parent in the whole world. You could be the

most loving mother, the most godly father, the most relational man. You can do

everything right. And there's no guarantee

with your child. And all my life. I've never found one single

scripture verse. It guarantees parenting. Please don't will

bring up a child, we should go never

depart from it. That spread the most

misused version, 2 thousand years

of the church. There can't be a

versa guarantees parenting because

every child has a free will. And you can be the

greatest parent, the most loving. And there's no guarantee your child won't

up look uni I say I hate you and walk away or get pregnant, or get a girl pregnant

or end up in jail, become an addict. But

I'll tell you this. If they know that

unfailing love, the chance of them

doing that is rare. But it can happen.

And it happens. Some of the greatest

parents I known the world as one or

two of the worst kids I've ever met in the world. There's no guarantee. In all the interviews. I never heard. I'm

now saying he didn't, but I've never

ever heard who have or ever

mentioned his father. I heard it mentioned

his mother once in an interview on

cable television. And he made this statement. I knew my mother loved me, but she never showed it. So I had to learn

about love from them. Movies. Jim. If

Hugh Hefner, I truly believe that scene that unfailing love in his father didn't never, ever would've been Playboy. In first Corinthians 13. The Word of God says, if I could speak in any language in

heaven or on earth, but didn't love others. I would only be making a meaningless noise like a loud gong or a

clanging cymbal. Let me give you the teenager

translation of that. If I could speak

truth to my child, but did not have

love that my child. I'm only making

meaningless noise like a loud gong or a

clanging cymbal. For King David said, I've been constantly aware of Your unfailing love. And I've lived

according to the truth. Folks. If you do your job, people like me will

be out of business. I am convinced. In fact, through one of his

close, close advisers, President Bush called me in his adviser, she said, The President would like to know what you think is the greatest problem

facing America, Afghanistan, Iraq, terrorism, the economy wise, I said none of that. None of that.

She said what? I said the daddy

said the daddy. And I believe to research and

statistics everything, I can prove that whether economically or

terrorism or what it's the daddy. She said I can't go

bank teller present that. As a give

me your email. I emailed about 78

pages of research, went into a speech. They send it to

me and said he got the loudest standing ovation when he

mentioned it. Does Necker cube mothers

that I say Daddy, doesn't it just

didn't rub you wrong, does my wife. Well, ladies trust me. It's a compliment.

What I've learned in 43 years of working with children, not

children, teenagers. As a Jew, mothers are

taken for granted. Almost every mother

is taken for granted. You'll be there.

You'll listen to your heart with

your cry with them. You'll pray with them. Your taken for granted. The one who is not

taken for granted, his daddy will

even be there. We'll even listen to me or is it a phone out

all the time? Well, they cry with me. Who my daddy pray with me. Folks. When a daddy

does do that, the impact is

totally out of proportion because

it's not expected. And what I found

with my children, they come home from Christian schools that they went to him than

secular schools. Some of the biggest

things ACO Holmes said, my friends wish

you were there, daddy. That's

heartbreaking. Human realize

you were one of the most powerful

forces in the world, in the hands of

a living God, to a relationship with your wife and

your children. God bless each one of you. That is one of the most powerful

messages I ever heard. And maybe it's because it's a message the

Lord laid on me. Many, many years ago. I was driving to

Children's Hospital. The year was 1976 and I was praying

and I said, Lord, all of this

speaking is coming at me. And the events that we're holding

our crowded and people are coming

and asking me for my advice. And I don't want to

give them my ideas. I want to give them yours. But you have to tell

me what that is. I'm listening. Tell me. And in a flash

without words, he said to me that if this nation is

going to make it. It will be because

husbands and fathers began to dedicate themselves to

their families. If the church is

going to make it the church, Yes. And if we're going to

win people to Christ, everything depends on that. And you have said it that incredibly and

with the statistics and the things that

you have said that they are you encouraged or are you discourage? Those are scary things

that you said today. Gm, I didn't need begin to put the stats up there. Yes, I am encouraged

because one, problems are big if you

have a small guide. But problems are

small if you have a big guide and we

serve a big guide, and I believe God

is on the throne. But I can honestly say, if we do not turn

the leadership, starting with a youth pastors

and pastors around this country than

I'm not increased. But I believe we

can. I really do. I'm ready to attack tell

with a squirt back. And the gates of

**** will not prevail against to judge. You know, there was a man. I think he's still living, but I'm not sure whose name is Derrick Prince who spoke on the same things that we speak

about an early, early on I heard a

quote from him who said the biggest problem in

this nation is what he called renegade males. Men not doing their jobs. I want you to tell me why that's occurring

more now than then. Why are we losing that husbands

and fathers and therefore the

next generation? Even in a church. You don't have to

study probably the last 80 to a 100

years of the family, which Jim, you've done is generation

after generation. They've had less and

less of a model as men, more than even women, we learn how to

live and behave. Not through really

being taught, but through seen

at mottled. I look at my life. I never knew my

father sober when I was 8910 years old, kick and scream

and M And I'll kill you and I'm

strong enough. Cosine my mommy line

that gutter beaten into manure so much as she couldn't walk

at all bloody. I I am here today

because of three people, Jim and couples,

Jimmy Vivian Simpson. There's daughter

and son-in-law upon Leslie

Lewis, you know, Paul Lewis, Mr. Don, Leslie Lewis and ****

and Charlotte day. God, both those

three couples into my life when

I was in seminary, when I had any fear of ever being married or

ever being a father. I watched him,

I studied Tim, I lived with him. I learned how to

love a woman, had to be a father

to my children. It was never taught me and it was slipped

out before me. And that's what we need to help IP3 pasture in this country

without that and our denominational

hits kiss, goodbye. Alright, I want you to address one more thing. In fact, I want you

to address somebody. I'm sure as an experienced

speaker like you are, you've heard the silence in this room when

you were talk. It's there now. That always indicates you

on a raw nerve. So there are

husbands and fathers here that had been convicted by what

you had to say. But more than that, on a numerical basis, when we air this

on a radio, there will be millions

who will be convicted. And many of them and us have failed

at this point. And we know it. I was

doing that. In 1968. The whole world opened up to me after I

finished my PhD. And television at

everything opened up to me. And my dad said, Anna wrote me a

letter that's now historic where he said,

I'm proud of you. You're doing a great job

and that things that have happened to you

are, are breathtaking. But I tell you, you do all those things

and lose you kids. It won't matter at all when you sit

where I am today. So for the men who are here and for the men who we'll hear

this on radio. I want you to say to them, How can they repented this and change

because of it? Because the pressures

of living are enormous. How can they start over? You'd have four

or five more per grams of I really

answered that. It starts with an attitude. My son was two years old. I was writing those under a contract and a

deadline and a book. My two-year-old son locked in with a football

on his hands, a daddy him and my

parenting skills. I said Son, I'm busy. I said I'll talk

to you at dinner. He said Okay, and

walked on and went back writing in about

30 seconds, here's mother came

into that room. And I said one of

the biggest things I never should have

said in my life. I said, honey, I'm busy and I was not

the right thing. She said, Honey,

you're always busy or a five ring circus, your eye is going to

have a book to meet a deadline, a

chapter, right? You're always going

to need a talk to prepare somewhere

to go, give it. You're always

going to be busy, but you won't always

have a two-year-old son who wants to sit in as daddy's lap and asked him a question and she

turnaround walked out. I was shocked. Within

three minutes, Jim, I went to my

knees and totally transformed my relationship

with my family. I got dynamo

knees and I made a pledge before God

from this moment on. I will never, ever, ever put my family

before my ministry. I will never ever put my children

and my wife, my family before

my ministry. Because on my

knees that day, God showed me

Kelly, Sean, Katie, Heather, and daddy do not come before my ministry. They are my first minister. That's my little

thing, Jim, that was astronomic and it totally changed the way I related to my wife. I'd come home tired, everything else before I say, I just want

to watch TV. There's a ballgame

on. I want to I says be quiet. Now. I don't care

how tired I'm going to walk through that door. My first ministry begins. It starts with an attitude. Or they can learn

how to do. But I think that I like it. It is never, ever ever deworming. It's

never too late. I don't care if your kids are 40-years-old in jail. It has never,

ever too late. What an amazing,

amazing man. Now you know why my dad has such a high regard in a great respect

for Josh McDowell, his passion for

kids and for family is is almost

unparalleled. And I know our listeners

were helped today. Well, I know a

blessed me, right. And again, I'm

not even a dad. And I'm just thinking of the listener right now who heard today and

missed yesterday. I would highly encourage you to go back in here, part one of Josh McDowell, message on fatherhood right here in time for

Father's Day on Sunday. Or even download

at podcast it, link to it on your

Facebook page, send it to someone as a blessing this

Father's Day weekend. Also ask about

Josh McDowell, book The Father

connection that will help you dads build better relationships

with your children. Ask about this and other parenting

resources when you call us 87773 two sixty eight twenty five

or of course go online to Doctor

James Dobson.org. Again, that's Dr. James Dobson.org. God bless. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time for another edition of Dr. James Dobson Family Talk.