Can you help me
Laquinda1
Assignmentcomments.docx
I would like you to sign up for a little extra help at one of TCC's writing centers, learning success centers, and/or virtual tutoring services. This is not bad, nor is it a punishment, but I just want to make sure that you do well in the course. If I am not on campus, a writing center, a student success center, a learning success center, a librarian, or a tutor are the next best options. Again, this is not bad, but I want to make sure that you get the best grade out of the course and do well on all the assignments.
The paper is simply repeating the same extract sentences and ideas over and over again. This does not add length to a paper. The paper was short once the word for word repetition and repeated ideas were removed. Also, the assignment was to tell a story with a moral or lesson. The paper was more of a personal opinion paper than a narrative fleshing out a moral or lesson. The paper had unnecessary filler/padding, repetition, and plagiarized itself in many places, repeating sentences word for word from other parts of the paper. Lastly, the paper was filled with clichés, personal opinions, and announcements. A more focused and critical approach was needed.
Two full pages required
-Short papers cannot receive passing grades. Paper must make the full page count. Cover pages and Works Cited pages do not count as pages. Papers may go over the page count, but they should never be short, even by a couple of lines. Extra wide spacing, extra wide spacing between paragraphs, and extra wide margins do not add length to a paper. Future short papers will not be accepted or graded.
Paper had no heading
A cover page is not a heading. No cover page required. Even if required, it was not an MLA format cover page.
-Paper was too short, incomplete, did not meet minimum requirements, was not formatted correctly, and/or did not follow instructions and/or guidelines for papers stated in the instructions and/or syllabus. Consult page 341 in the Simon and Schuster book for the proper format. The paper should not have been accepted or graded. Future papers with any of these issues will not be accepted or graded.
-last name and page number should be at the top, on the right-hand side of the page. Example: Baran 4 (consult page 341 in the Simon and Schuster book) (this information must be placed in a header, not typed in the paper)
-better title needed. Using only one or two words makes for a topic that is too broad, and one should just not announce the subject or be the name of the assignment.
-better title needed. Titles should be dramatic and informative. Remember, the title is the first thing someone reads before he/she starts reading your paper. The title should also not sound like an announcement, should not be the type of paper, and should not have character names in it.
The title is a cliché
Clichés are overused phrases or terms that everyone knows. One should not use them in writing because they are so well known and overused. Be creative and original. Try adding in specific detail and critical explanation to avoid clichés. Do not use clichés in papers.
Do not announce
How young?
Name the village? How small was it?
Details needed…empty sentence
Satya was a young girl who lived in a small village in India.
-Do not announce or speak to the audience directly. Stay in 3rd person, stay in past tense, and be objective. Do not write in present tense. You should not be in the paper or be speaking directly to the audience in the paper. The voice of the author should not be heard in the paper. Papers should not sound or read like lectures. Do not add personal opinion or commentary into the paper. Lastly, not including enough specific detail and description can lead to a paper that has vague, unclear, general announcements without specific meanings. In a story, just say what the characters are doing, but do not put in personal opinion or feelings about the characters or topic. Also, do not announce what is happening. Just tell the story. For instance, Jim liked doing things is not telling a story. Should be: Jim smiled while he reeled in a seven-pound trout. In an exemplification or argument paper, do not say: the reason is…, or this is because…, or one can agree/disagree because…In argument, do not just say you agree or disagree or just summarize what a quote said in a general statement. Argue, explain, and refute in critical detail, using critical explanation to talk about the information and ideas in the quotes. Do not just say, Dr. Susan Smith was correct or one agrees with her. Lastly, do not just make a statement. For example, do not say: The death penalty is wrong. You have to explain, argue, or refute in specific detail, not just announce a view.
More specific detail needed. Do not write “Walmart has many things.” Name the things. Do not say “Walmart has clothing, food, and electronics.” This is not detailed enough. You should write “Walmart has Wrangler jeans, Tyson chicken nuggets, and Samsung 52 inch flat screen LED televisions. Description papers require specific details. Do not tell an audience that someone is happy. Show the audience that someone is happy by saying that the person is laughing like a wild polar bear, with a smile that would stretch from the North to the South pole, who infects people with humorous stories ranging from losing their first tooth at four years old to an apple as hard as granite to realizing how he/she forgot how old he/she was on their 50th birthday and had to be reminded that memory is the first sense to falter when one crosses over to the halfway point to the next century. Also, do not say amazing, do not say someone is stressed, that something is beautiful, awesome, or horrific…this is telling, not showing. No one can know what amazing looks like, what stress means, what beautiful looks like, how awesome something is, or how horrific something is, and no one can know who someone is or what something is. You have to show what these are, not just say what these are. Show the audience with specific details. Do not just tell the audience what is happening or being felt.
This is not description. This is telling, not showing. Specific details needed.
Empty sentence: Sentences that do not add new information are very general. For example, humans need water to survive. We already know this, and it does not add anything to the content of the paper. Also, another example would be summarizing a story, almost word for word, when your instructor has also read the story. If you read the story, and I have already read the story, then there is no need to include much summary. Basically, get right into the critical stuff and leave out most of the summary stuff, especially in short papers. Empty sentences can also be sentences that cancel themselves out. EX: Chess is sometimes considered a sport and sometimes not considered a sport. Lastly, empty sentences just repeat the same idea. EX: Walmart has many things. Walmart has a lot of stuff. Each sentence should be filled with information and specific detail. Sentences that do not are called deadwood or empty sentences. Some college instructors and students also use the terms 'filler' or 'fluff'. Empty sentences also tell us what we already know in general, so defining abortion or capital punishment is unnecessary for a college educated audience. Another example might be that most people think it would be nice to be rich, so there is no reason to state that it would be nice; it is a given assumption. Two more examples are: people like to do different things. Or Wal-Mart has much stuff. The words ‘things’ and ‘stuff’ are clear indicators that you have an empty sentence. Basically, do not write about the obvious. Leave empty sentences out of papers.
How poor were they?
Stop announcing her story
What kind of work? What does survive mean?
Her family was very poor, and she had to work hard to help them survive.
What kind of contest?
One day, she heard about a contest that could help her family get out of poverty.
How large is large?
The contest was to find the most beautiful girl in the village and the prize was a large amount of money.
Stop announcing
Satya was excited and decided to enter.
-One cannot use one vague term to define another. For example: happiness is being glad, glad is having joy, joy is feeling great, great is feeling good, good is enjoyment, enjoyment is being happy. Vague, fuzzy words do not define or describe, and they lead to circular logic.
-One cannot use vague words to describe. Feeling excited, something being amazing, Dave looked happy, and Susan was sad are not descriptions. They do not let the audience see, hear, small, taste, or feel, as in touch. Show the audience. Do not just tell the audience what is happening. Feel excited should be: After winning the lottery, the family was jumping, crying, and laughing like a child who received an Optimus Prime Transformer on Christmas morning. Something looking amazing should be: At 5:37 am, on Sunday morning in the middle of July, the sun broke over Mount Herman like wild Mustang horses racing over the plains of Kansas. Dave looked happy should be: Dave smiled and laughed like King Leonidas of Sparta when he received a promotion to full partner at the law firm of Smith, Jones, and Thomas. For Susan being sad: Susan, after failing here college algebra test with a grade of 48, knew she would have to give up on her career choice of Ocean Biologist because math is necessary for cataloging the migrating patterns of vampire squid, great white sharks, and blue whales. Show the audience…do not just tell the audience. No vague words. If one cannot see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or touch and feel it, it is not description.
-More complex sentence structure is required for college level papers. Avoid too many short, choppy, simple sentences by combining sentences and using transitions. Also, academic papers use more grammar; therefore, do not try to avoid grammar usage by writing simple sentences.
-too many short, choppy, simple sentences and ideas. Combine sentences. Use more complex sentence structure. Explain more using specific details. Use more transitions.
-avoid too many short/choppy sentences in a row, especially without transitions, because they can make your paper read like a list. Writing should flow. Vary the length of sentences, vary sentence structure, combine sentences with similar ideas and information, and use many transitional words or phrases.
-reading like a list in places. Transitions needed.
-Use more transitions. Transitions between sentences and/or paragraphs needed, transitions like: also, furthermore, moreover, additionally, in addition, however, therefore, thus, for example, for instance, on the other hand, consequently, first, second, third, lastly, finally, hence…
-vary how sentences begin. Do not begin sentences with the same word, do not constantly begin sentences with names, the same words, and do not constantly begin sentences with pronouns. Lastly, do not begin two sentences in a row with the same words.
-vary the length of sentences
Empty sentence
What does work hard mean? Pushups? Extra hours at work? Jogging five miles a day?
What does she look like? What did she look like before?
She looked like a completely different person.
All of this could have been said in one detailed and shorter sentence.
No paper padding
Satya was a young girl who lived in a small village in India. Her family was very poor, and she had to work hard to help them survive. One day, she heard about a contest that could help her family get out of poverty. The contest was to find the most beautiful girl in the village and the prize was a large amount of money. Satya was excited and decided to enter. Satya worked hard to make herself look beautiful for the contest. She borrowed a dress from her friend and did her hair and makeup. She looked like a completely different person.
Should be something like:
Satya, a fourteen year old living in Drenden, India, population 1456, solely supporting a family of six, worked at a Nike sneaker sweatshop for twenty five cents an hour, but she heard about a beauty contest with a 5000 dollar prize, so she borrowed a pink dress from her coworker, Lidia, and practiced putting on lipstick and eyeshadow for fours a day.
How nervous was she? Show this
When the day of the contest came, Satya was so nervous.
Something like this:
On June 1st, the day of the contest, Satya threw up like a sick donkey twice and could not keep her hands from shaking like dead leaves on a maple tree in winter.
Paint pictures with words and show the audience information. Do not announce or tell the audience that there is information.
Obvious…it is a beauty contest. Ugly people would not participate in it.
Name and describe some of them. show what she is up against. What does she herself look like in comparison?
She was up against some of the most beautiful girls in the village.
-Do not state, explain, discuss, argue, refute, or quote the obvious. Examples: There are 100 pennies in a dollar, America is a country, Walmart is a popular store, smoking is bad, drinking and driving is dangerous, marijuana is a drug, and abortion is the termination of a fetus. Announcing that a topic is a controversial topic in an argument paper is also explaining the obvious. Explaining that things happen in the world is obvious…we only live on one planet. Do not pad the paper with statements or explanations of the obvious. Statements of the obvious will be deducted from the length of the paper. Take out all statements of the obvious.
What? What happened to the context? The contest and preparing for it should have been the whole story. Name the judge. Winner of how much money? Being shocked is cliché. Show shocked.
When the judges announced the winner, Satya was shocked to hear her name.
Obvious
Do not announce
She had won the contest.
-Do not repeat the same idea in different ways. Explain the idea once and move on. Unnecessary repetition will be deducted from the length of the paper. do not pad the paper with repeated information or unnecessarily long sentences. Unnecessary repetition also is a bit insulting, especially in a short paper, because it implies that the audience cannot remember what was written.
-Do not artificially pad papers with sentences and words. If three words will do, do not use ten. If one sentences will do, do not use five sentences. Artificially paper padding and fluffing is not acceptable in academic papers. Artificial padding and fluffing will be deducted from the length of the paper. Every sentence should be packed with critical detail and explanation. Lastly, repeating the same ideas and explaining the obvious are also artificially padding a paper. Unnecessary repetition and explanations of the obvious will be deducted from the length of the paper.
Obvious
How much
To who? Name them
Show her doing this
She was happy and excited to bring the prize money home to her family.
Stop announcing
Empty sentence
What died she learn?
Satya learned a valuable lesson from this experience
What does this mean? These are three vague and unclear clichés. This is a sentence, not a thesis statement. This was not an approved topic or thesis statement. Who cares what she learned…she is a fictional character that does not exist. The moral/lesson of the story is for the audience of the paper, not the fictional character.
She learned that inner character and beauty count, hard work pays, and always to be herself and not be someone she is not.
-A solid thesis is needed, with an essay map. The thesis should be the last sentence in the introductory paragraph, not the first, should only be one sentence, and it should never be a question or a quote. Lastly, thesis statements never have characters in them.
-The thesis should state a point of view or an opinion. The thesis tells the audience what your opinion is about a subject. A thesis should not simply announce what will be in a paper. The thesis should not say, “In this paper…”, “My paper will show…” or “This paper will be about.” All of these constructions simply announce the subject, but they do not state an opinion about the subject. The thesis is your opinion/position and at least three areas of support. For example, “English is an essential course to take in college because it teaches reading, writing, and conversation.” The opinion is that English is an essential course to take in college. The three main reasons, which you would focus on using specific detail and examples in the body of your paper, are reading, writing, and conversation. Moreover, the points supporting the opinion should be objectively verifiable, measurable, or able to be tested. They should not be just feelings, emotions, personal opinions, or vague and general points. Also, for argumentative papers, a thesis is used to make a claim, state an argument, or state a side. If one is writing an argument paper, the thesis should state the argument, the side you are on, and the points that you are going to write about. Lastly, character names should not be in a thesis. The thesis should be about the moral, lesson, or point of a story for the audience reading it, not for the character/s in it. Thesis statements do not have characters in them. A thesis also does not have first or second person writing in it. There is no first or second person writing in a thesis statement or anywhere in a paper. Please see example thesis statements in Canvas.
No personal opinions
This is not important to note. Also, possible untrue. If one is physically ugly, then one is ugly…I know because I am physically ugly.
It is important to note that physical beauty does not always indicate what is on the inside.
-No personal opinion, feeling, assumption, speculation, hope, or belief in academic papers. Use logic, details, examples, rational, explanation, argument, refutation to make points. Do not give personal advice, tell people what to do, or tell people how to live. Also, remember, do not state personal opinion as factual information. Lastly, do not insert personal opinion in the paper. The audience should not hear the author’s voice in a paper. Stating a personal opinion is also not an explanation, argument, or refutation. Why an opinion is held should be the focus in an explanation, argument, or refutation, not just that a person has an opinion. Do not frame personal opinion as factual information.
No one deserves anything
What does kind and hardworking mean?
Stop announcing and start showing her life and story.
In Satya's case, she was a kind and hardworking girl who deserved to win the contest.
Like this:
Satya worked sixteen hours a day, for twenty five cents an hour, six days a week while taking care of her blind mother and cooking for John, Susie, and Tommy, her siblings.
Show her being kind and hardworking. The audience will decide what she deserves based upon the detailed showing of the story.
Off topic
Just focus on her story
However, many girls are not as fortunate as Satya.
Fragmented
They may be born into poverty or have difficult home lives.
I am not going to keep typing that you should not announce because the paper looks like it is going to continue announcing and continue to need specific details and descriptions.
Take your personal voice out of papers
-Academic tone and style needed. This can happen when sentences are too simple, the paper lacks grammar, slang is used, contractions are used, when personal opinion is used, when explanation of the obvious is used, when sentences are too emphatic, when critical explanation and argument are missing, when ideas are repeated, and/or there are empty sentences. Also, this can happen when a paper is too conversational, meaning that sentences are written in a tone or style that one might text, write in Facebook, or when one writes a personal letter to a friend. Also, explaining the obvious or giving unnecessary history or information to pad or fluff up word count or to artificially lengthen a paper takes away from an academic tone and style of writing. Lastly, if clichés are used throughout the paper, they can cause a non-academic tone and/or style. Academic writing is semi-formal to formal in sentence structure, language, style, tone, wording, vocabulary, perspective, and it is objective.
Stop writing about other people. Focus on showing her story.
-Leave people out of most papers. Papers are not about people. Papers are about subjects and topics. In papers, especially argument papers, do not announce that some people may argue, people debate, the opposition believes…just quote a critical argument or explanation about the topic. It is obvious that people will argue in argument papers. This does not have to be announced or explained. Just critically introduce a person and their credentials and quote the argument or explanation. Do not write about people.
No one has this. Perfection is a subjective notion in beauty.
They may have perfect skin, hair, and bodies.
Take out all personal opinions
Who said being kind or hardworking makes one beautiful. Ex: Paris Hilton and the Kardashians. They are not really kind or hardworking, but many would consider them beautiful.
However, they may not be kind or hardworking.
Yes, so?
They may be selfish and mean.
This paragraph seems to be about the author’s personal views. Show Satya’s story.
The paragraph also lacks grammar and is mainly short, choppy, simple sentences. It is reading like a list or set of announcements.
It is important to note that physical beauty does not always indicate what is on the inside. In Satya's case, she was a kind and hardworking girl who deserved to win the contest. However, many girls are not as fortunate as Satya. They may be born into poverty or have difficult home lives. These girls may not have the opportunity to make themselves look beautiful for the contest. Some girls are naturally beautiful. They may have perfect skin, hair, and bodies. However, they may not be kind or hardworking. They may be selfish and mean. These girls would not have deserved to win the contest over Satya. Satya learned that it is not always about how one looks on the outside. Sometimes, it is what is on the inside that counts. This is an important lesson for everyone, especially young girls.
No personal opinions
Sexist example. Boys also have to deal with how they look. If a boy looks ugly, he is made fun of, does not get dates, and has to deal with no one caring about his feelings because he is a boy.
This is an important lesson for everyone, especially young girls.
Avoid sexist language. Sexist language places male pronouns on ideas like ‘his dog’, his house’, and ‘his car’. It places female pronouns on ideas like ‘her vacuum’, ‘her cookbook’, and ‘her cat’. Other examples include: salesman, mailman, policeman, fireman, fisherman, mankind, man-made, man sized meal, man handled, male nurse, female doctor, female architect, congressman, a dog is man’s best friend, men do not cook, females can’t drive, women’s work, and the list could go on and on.
What is this? Do not refer to your own paper in the paper.
Importance to someone does not matter.
Stop announcing
Unclear perspective shifting
Take your personal voice out of her story.
The moral lessons in the story are important to Satya because they teach her to work hard and never give up on her dreams.
Cliché
never give up on her dreams
What hard work has she done? Nothing has been shown. Also, she just stood up and won a context because of the way shew looked. What is the hard work in this? It is not like she was on a construction site for sixteen hours a day, seven days a week, in ninety five degree heat, lifting seventy five pound bags of concrete. She entered a contest, stood there, and won. You have to show her hard work. If not, the audience will not believe you or the story.
It is not
One can win a lottery, be born wealthy, or inherit money.
Cliché phrasing
What does better life mean?
Never give up is cliché. Also, one should give up at times. One can work hard and be persistent, but that does not mean that one will succeed or do well.
Working hard and never giving up is the only way to escape poverty and make a better life for oneself.
-Avoid absolute or exaggerated language. Do not make exaggerated claims or exaggerate minor issues and problems. Words such as never, everything, everyone, always, everywhere, and all are all inclusive. Replace them with words like sometimes, some people, most of the time, in some places, and some. These words are better. For example, if one argues that everyone loves Burger King, then all your audience has to do is find just one person out of 7.5 billion people who does not like BK in order to prove your argument or statement false. Also, nothing is proven 100%. Do not say proven.
Do not write about clichés
Already stated
Stop announcing
She is still poor. How much did she win? It is doubtful that a small village beauty contest would have a big monetary prize.
Satya learned that if she works hard and never gives up on her dreams, she can escape poverty and make a better life for herself.
Do not call your own paper, story, or examples great. The audience will decide if the story is logical, has detailed points, has detailed explanations, and if story and writing lead to a rational conclusion or support a moral, lesson, position, or claim.
Stop repeating
Stop stating personal opinion
Stop using clichés as explanation, especially when they are usually exaggerated or untrue.
Sometimes, one may not be the most talented or the best looking, but if they work hard enough, they can achieve their goals.
What did she do? You have not shown her working hard. You have just announced that she worked hard. No contractions
In Satya's case, she wasn't the most beautiful girl in the village, but she worked hard to make herself look beautiful for the contest.
How is this working hard? These are normal activities that people do almost daily.
She borrowed a dress from her friend and did her hair and makeup.
This is word for word repetition from the first paragraph
She borrowed a dress from her friend and did her hair and makeup. She looked like a completely different person. When the day of the contest came, Satya was so nervous. She was up against some of the most beautiful girls in the village. When the judges announced the winner, Satya was shocked to hear her name. She had won the contest. She was happy and excited to bring the prize money home to her family. Satya's story is a great reminder that hard work does pay off. No matter the circumstances, one can achieve their goal if one is willing to work hard and never give up.
Stop repeating that the paper has moral/lessons. Stop saying things are important. Stop repeating the same ideas over in different ways, sometimes word for word from other parts of the paper, stop stating personal opinion and making announcements, and stop writing vague clichés. Stop talking about the character in their person, like she is an object. Satya learned this, Satya learned that, Satya understands this
The moral lessons also teach Satya to be herself and not to try to be someone she is not. This is an important lesson because it helps Satya to stay true to herself and her values. It also helps her avoid the temptation to sell herself out to win the contest. Finally, the story's moral lessons help Satya understand that it is not always about how one looks on the outside. Sometimes, it is what is on the inside that counts. This is an important lesson because it helps Satya to see the beauty in all people, regardless of their appearance. Satya also learned that all that glitters is not gold.
All clichés
The paragraph is filled with clichés and repeated words: The moral lessons, This is an important lesson, the story's moral lessons, This is an important lesson
not to try to be someone she is not
stay true to herself and her values
avoid the temptation to sell herself out
it is not always about how one looks on the outside
it is what is on the inside that counts
see the beauty in all people, regardless of their appearance
all that glitters is not gold.
Each paragraph seems to be repeating the exact same ideas in slightly different ways. More critical approach and focus needed.
\
The exact same idea, sometimes the excat same words, repeated over and over.
Working hard and never giving up is the only way to escape poverty and make a better life for oneself. Satya learned that if she works hard and never gives up on her dreams, she can escape poverty and make a better life for herself. No matter the circumstances, one can achieve their goal if one is willing to work hard and never give up. Working hard and never giving up is the only way to escape poverty and make a better life for oneself. The moral lessons in the story are vital because they teach Satya to work hard and never give up on her dreams.
Exact same sentences from different parts of the paper.
This is an important lesson because it helps Satya to stay true to herself and her values.
This is an important lesson because it helps Satya to stay true to herself and her values.
These paragraphs have the exact same sentences in them.
The moral lessons also teach Satya to be herself and not to try to be someone she is not. This is an important lesson because it helps Satya to stay true to herself and her values. It also helps her avoid the temptation to sell herself out to win the contest. Finally, the story's moral lessons help Satya understand that it is not always about how one looks on the outside. Sometimes, it is what is on the inside that counts. This is an important lesson because it helps Satya to see the beauty in all people, regardless of their appearance. Satya also learned that all that glitters is not gold.
The moral lessons in the story are vital because they teach Satya to work hard and never give up on her dreams. This is a crucial lesson for anyone, but it is especially important for someone growing up in poverty. Working hard and never giving up is the only way to escape poverty and make a better life for oneself. The moral lessons also teach Satya to be herself and not to try to be someone she is not. This is an important lesson because it helps Satya to stay true to herself and her values. It also helps her avoid the temptation to sell herself out to win the contest. Finally, the story's moral lessons help Satya understand that it is not always about how one looks on the outside. Sometimes, it is what is on the inside that counts. This is an important lesson because it helps Satya to see the beauty in all people, regardless of their appearance.
Paper had no conclusion, moral, or lesson. It abruptly ended, repeating the same sentences and ideas previously stated.
-Conclusion needed for the audience. A conclusion should not focus on the character. It should focus on the lesson/moral or main point of the essay.
-Conclusion focused too much on the character. State/explain the moral or lesson for the audience.
