Couple Assessment

Love Maps Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

STATEMENT RESPONSE

I can name my partner's best friends. � True � False

I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing. � True � False

I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner’s current life. � True � False

I can tell you some of my partner's life dreams. � True � False

I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas. � True � False

I can tell you about my partner's basic philosophy of life. � True � False

I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. � True � False

I know my partner’s favorite music. � True � False

I can list my partner’s three favorite movies. � True � False

My spouse is familiar with my current stresses. � True � False

I know the three times that have been most special in my partner’s life. � True � False

I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child. � True � False

I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life. � True � False

I know my partner’s major current worries. � True � False

My spouse knows who my friends are. � True � False

I know what my partner would want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery. � True � False

I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner. � True � False

Periodically, I update my knowledge of my partner’s world. � True � False

I feel that my partner knows me pretty well. � True � False

My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations. � True � False

Fondness and Admiration System Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

STATEMENT RESPONSE

I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner. � True � False

When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner. � True � False

I often find some way to tell my partner “I love you.” � True � False

I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. � True � False

My partner really respects me. � True � False

I feel loved and cared for in this relationship. � True � False

I feel accepted and liked by my partner. � True � False

My partner finds me sexy and attractive. � True � False

My partner turns me on sexually. � True � False

There is fire and passion in this relationship. � True � False

Romance is something our relationship definitely still has in it. � True � False

I am really proud of my partner. � True � False

My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments. � True � False

I can easily tell you why I married my partner. � True � False

If I had it to do all over again, I would marry the same person. � True � False

We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection. � True � False

When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me. � True � False

My partner appreciates the things I do in this marriage. � True � False

My spouse generally likes my personality. � True � False

Our sex life is satisfying. � True � False

Turning Toward or Away Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

STATEMENT RESPONSE

We enjoy doing even the smallest things together, like folding laundry or watching TV. � True � False

I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. � True � False

At the end of the day, my partner is glad to see me. � True � False

My partner is usually interested in hearing my views on things. � True � False

I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. � True � False

My partner is one of my best friends. � True � False

I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. � True � False

We love just talking to each other. � True � False

When we go out, the time goes very quickly. � True � False

We always have a lot to say to each other. � True � False

We have a lot of fun together in our everyday lives. � True � False

We are spiritually very compatible. � True � False

We tend to share the same basic values in life. � True � False

We like to spend time together in similar ways. � True � False

We really have a lot of interests in common. � True � False

We have many of the same dreams and life goals. � True � False

We like to do a lot of the same things. � True � False

Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests. � True � False

Whatever we do together we usually tend to have a good time. � True � False

My partner tells me when he or she has a bad day. � True � False

Negative Perspective Complete this form thing about your immediate past (last 2 to 4 weeks) or a recent discussion of an existing marital issue. Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

IN THE RECENT PAST IN MY MARRIAGE, GENERALLY: RESPONSE

I felt hurt. � True � False

I felt misunderstood. � True � False

I thought, “I don’t have to take this.” � True � False

I felt innocent of blame for this problem. � True � False

I thought to myself, “Just get up and leave.” � True � False

I was angry. � True � False

I felt disappointed. � True � False

I felt unjustly accused. � True � False

I thought, “My partner has no right to say those things. � True � False

I was frustrated. � True � False

I felt personally attacked. � True � False

I wanted to strike back. � True � False

I felt like I was warding off a barrage. � True � False

I felt like getting even. � True � False

I wanted to protect myself. � True � False

I took my partner’s complaints as slights. � True � False

I felt like my partner was trying to control me. � True � False

I thought that my partner was very manipulative. � True � False

I felt unjustly criticized. � True � False

I wanted the negativity to just stop. � True � False

Start-Up Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

WHEN WE DISCUSS OUR MARITAL ISSUES: RESPONSE

My partner is often very critical of me. � True � False

I hate the way my partner raises an issue. � True � False

Arguments often seem to come out of nowhere. � True � False

Before I know it, we are in a fight. � True � False

When my partner complains, I feel picked on. � True � False

I seem to always get blamed for issues. � True � False

My partner is negative all out of proportion. � True � False

I feel I have to ward off personal attacks. � True � False

I often have to deny charges leveled against me. � True � False

My partner’s feelings are too easily hurt. � True � False

What goes wrong is often not my responsibility. � True � False

My spouse criticizes my personality. � True � False

Issues get raised in an insulting manner. � True � False

My partner will complain at times in a smug or superior way. � True � False

I have just about had it with all this negativity between us. � True � False

I feel basically disrespected when my partner complains. � True � False

I just want to leave the scene when complaints arise. � True � False

Our calm is suddenly shattered. � True � False

I find my partner’s negativity unnerving and unsettling. � True � False

I think my partner can be totally irrational. � True � False

Accepting Influence Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

WHEN WE DISCUSS OUR MARITAL ISSUES: RESPONSE

I find that I am really interested in my spouse’s opinion on our basic issues. � True � False

I usually learn a lot from my spouse, even when we disagree. � True � False

I want my partner to feel that what he or she says really counts with me. � True � False

I generally want my spouse to feel influential in this marriage. � True � False

I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. � True � False

My partner has a lot of basic common sense. � True � False

I try to communicate respect even during our disagreements. � True � False

If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out. � True � False

I don’t reject my spouse’s opinions out of hand. � True � False

My partner is not rational enough to take seriously when we discuss our issues. � True � False

I believe in lots of give-and-take in our discussions. � True � False

I am very persuasive and usually can win arguments with my spouse. � True � False

I feel important in our decisions. � True � False

My partner usually has good ideas. � True � False

My partner is basically a great help as a problem-solver. � True � False

I try to listen respectfully even when I disagree. � True � False

My ideas for solutions are usually much better than my spouse’s. � True � False

I can usually find something to agree with in my partner’s position. � True � False

My partner is usually too emotional. � True � False

I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this marriage. � True � False

Repair Attempts Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

DURING OUR ATTEMPTS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT: RESPONSE

We are good at taking breaks when we need them. � True � False

When I apologize, it usually gets accepted by my partner. � True � False

I can say that I am wrong. � True � False

I am pretty good at calming myself down. � True � False

Even when arguing, we can maintain a sense of humor. � True � False

When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense. � True � False

My attempts to repair our discussions when they get negative are usually effective. � True � False

We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things. � True � False

If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things. � True � False

My spouse is good at soothing me when I get upset. � True � False

I feel confident that we can resolve most issues between us. � True � False

When I comment on how we could communicate better, my spouse listens to me. � True � False

Even if things get hard at times, I know we can get past our differences. � True � False

We can be affectionate even we are disagreeing. � True � False

Teasing and humor usually work with my spouse for getting over negativity. � True � False

We can start all over again and improve our discussions when we need to. � True � False

When emotions run hot, expressing how upset I feel makes a real difference. � True � False

Even when there are big differences between us, we can discuss these. � True � False

My partner expresses appreciation for nice things I do. � True � False

If I keep trying to communicate, it will eventually work. � True � False

Compromise Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

DURING OUR ATTEMPTS TO RESOLVE CONFLICT: RESPONSE

Our decisions often get made by both of us compromising. � True � False

We are usually good at resolving our differences. � True � False

I can give in when I need to, and often do. � True � False

I can be stubborn in an argument, and I’m opposed to compromising. � True � False

I think that sharing power in a marriage is very important. � True � False

My partner is not a very stubborn person. � True � False

I believe that one person is usually right and the other wrong on most issues. � True � False

We both believe in meeting each other halfway when we disagree. � True � False

I am able to yield somewhat even when I feel strongly on an issue. � True � False

The two of us usually arrive at a better decision through give-and-take. � True � False

It’s not a good idea to give in too much, in my view. � True � False

In discussing issues, we can usually find our common ground of agreement. � True � False

No one ever gets what they want when there is a compromise. � True � False

My partner can give in, and often does. � True � False

I wait until my partner gives in before I do. � True � False

When I give in first, my partner then gives in too. � True � False

Yielding power is very difficult for my spouse. � True � False

Yielding power is very difficult for me. � True � False

Give-and-take in making decisions is not a problem in this marriage. � True � False

I will never compromise when I believe I am right. � True � False

Gridlock Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

WHEN WE DISUCSS OUR MARITAL ISSUES: RESPONSE

The same issues keep coming up again and again in our marriage. � True � False

We rarely make much progress on our central issues. � True � False

We keep hurting each other whenever we discuss our core issues. � True � False

I feel criticized and misunderstood when we discuss our hot topics. � True � False

My partner has a long list of basically unreasonable demands. � True � False

When we discuss our basic issues, I often feel that my partner doesn’t even like me. � True � False

My partner wants me to change my basic personality. � True � False

I often keep quiet and withdraw to avoid stirring up too much conflict. � True � False

I don’t feel respected when we disagree. � True � False

My partner often acts in a selfish manner. � True � False

What I saw in our discussions rarely has much effect. � True � False

I feel put down in our discussions of key issues. � True � False

I can’t really be myself in this marriage. � True � False

I often think that my partner is manipulating me. � True � False

Sometimes I think that my spouse doesn’t care about my feelings. � True � False

My partner rarely makes a real effort to change. � True � False

There are some basic faults in my partner’s personality that he or she will not change. � True � False

My partner disregards my fundamental needs. � True � False

Sometimes I feel that my values don’t matter to my spouse. � True � False

When we discuss our issues, I feel I am right and my partner is wrong. � True � False

The Four Horsemen Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

WHEN WE DISCUSS OUR MARITAL ISSUES: RESPONSE

I feel attacked or criticized when we talk about our disagreements. � True � False

I usually feel like my personality is being assaulted. � True � False

In our disputes, at times, I don’t even feel like my partner likes me very much. � True � False

I have to defend myself because the charges against me are so unfair. � True � False

I often feel unappreciated by my spouse. � True � False

My feelings and intentions are often misunderstood. � True � False

I don’t feel appreciated for all the good I do in this marriage. � True � False

I often just want to leave the scene of the argument. � True � False

I get disgusted by all the negativity between us. � True � False

I feel insulted by my partner at times. � True � False

I sometimes just clam up and become quiet. � True � False

I can get mean and insulting in our disputes. � True � False

I feel basically disrespected. � True � False

Many of our issues are just not my problem. � True � False

The way we talk makes me want to just withdraw from the whole marriage. � True � False

I think to myself, “Who needs all this conflict?” � True � False

My partner never really changes. � True � False

Our problems have made me feel desperate at times. � True � False

My partner doesn’t face issues responsibly and maturely. � True � False

I try to point out flaws in my partner’s personality that need improvement. � True � False

I feel explosive and out of control about our issues at times. � True � False

My partner uses phrases like “you always” and “you never” when complaining. � True � False

I often get the blame for what are really our problems. � True � False

I don’t have a lot of respect for my partner’s position on our basic issues. � True � False

My spouse can be quite selfish and self-centered. � True � False

I feel disgusted by some of my spouse’s attitudes. � True � False

My partner gets far too emotional. � True � False

I am just not guilty of many of the things I get accused of. � True � False

Small issues often escalate out of proportion. � True � False

Arguments seem to come out of nowhere. � True � False

My partner’s feelings get hurt too easily. � True � False

I often will become silent to cool things down a bit. � True � False

My partner has a lot of trouble being rational and logical. � True � False

Flooding Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

STATEMENT RESPONSE

Our discussions get too heated. � True � False

I have a hard time calming down. � True � False

One of us is going to say something we will regret. � True � False

My partner gets too upset. � True � False

After a fight, I want to keep my distance. � True � False

My partner yells unnecessarily. � True � False

I feel overwhelmed by our arguments. � True � False

I can’t think straight when my partner gets hostile. � True � False

I think to myself, “Why can’t we talk more logically?” � True � False

My partner’s negativity often comes out of nowhere. � True � False

There’s often no stopping my partner’s temper. � True � False

I feel like running away during our fights. � True � False

Small issues suddenly become big ones. � True � False

I can’t calm down very easily during an argument. � True � False

My partner has a long list of unreasonable demands. � True � False

Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness Read each statement and place a check mark in the appropriate TRUE or FALSE box:

STATEMENT RESPONSE

I often find myself disappointed in this marriage. � True � False

I have learned to expect less from my partner. � True � False

I find myself quite lonely in this relationship at times. � True � False

It is hard for my deepest feelings to get much attention in this marriage. � True � False

I ften try to avoid saying things I will later regret. � True � False

I feel like I have to be so careful, it is like walking on eggshells. � True � False

Suddenly, once again, I find I have said the wrong thing. � True � False

There is not much intimacy in this marriage right now. � True � False

Our marital problems are not really solvable. � True � False

Sometimes our marriage feels empty to me. � True � False

This marriage is not quite what I expected, and I feel let down by it. � True � False

We are pretty separate and unconnected emotionally. � True � False

We don’t really talk very deeply to each other. � True � False

There is not enough closeness between us. � True � False

I sometimes think I expect too much and should settle for less in my marriage. � True � False

I cam coping with a lot of marital stress, but it will be okay eventually. � True � False

I have adapted to a lot on this marriage, and I am not so sure it’s a good idea.

� True � False

There’s certainly not much romance in this relationship. � True � False

I can’t really say that we are very good friends right now. � True � False

I am often lonely in this marriage. � True � False

Innocent Victim and Righteous Indignation Scale Fill out this scale while thinking about your last argument with your partner: DURING OUR LAST DISCUSSION:

Tally the number of “yes” responses to statements 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 8, 11, 13, 14, 16, 18, and 20. A score of 4 or more suggests you tend to have an innocent-victim reaction during negative times in your marriage.

Tally your “yes” responses to statements 1, 2, 3, 7, 9, 10, 13, 15, 17, 19, 21, and 22. A score of 4 or more suggests you tend to have a righteous-indignation reaction during negative times in your marriage.

1. I felt hurt. � Yes � No

2. I felt misunderstood. � Yes � No

3. I thought, “I don’t have to take this.” � Yes � No

4. I felt innocent of blame for this problem. � Yes � No

5. I thought to myself, “Just get up and leave.” � Yes � No

6. I was scared. � Yes � No

7. I was angry. � Yes � No

8. I was worried. � Yes � No

9. I felt disappointed. � Yes � No

10. I wanted my feelings to get some attention here. � Yes � No

11. I felt unjustly accused. � Yes � No

12. I thought, “My partner has no right to say those things.” � Yes � No

13. I felt let down. � Yes � No

14. I felt sad. � Yes � No

15. I was frustrated. � Yes � No

16. I felt personally attacked. � Yes � No

17. I wanted to strike back. � Yes � No

18. I felt like I was warding off a barrage. � Yes � No

19. I felt like getting even. � Yes � No

20. I wanted to protect myself. � Yes � No

21. I knew I was right. � Yes � No

22. I had a pretty low opinion of my partner’s personality at the time.

� Yes � No

Shared Meaning Questionnaire: Honoring Each Other’s Dreams

We want you to think about how well you and your partner have been able to create a sense of shared meaning in your lives together. When people get married, they create a new culture, and some marriages also involve the union of two very different cultures. But even if two people are coming from the same regional, cultural, ethnic, and religious background, they will have been raised in two very different families, and their merging involves the creation of a new culture.

YOUR RITUALS RESPONSE

We see eye-to-eye about the rituals that involve family dinnertimes in our home. � True � False

Holiday meals (like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Passover) are very special and happy times for us. � True � False

Reunions at the end of each day in our home are generally special times in my day. � True � False

We agree about the role of TV in our home. � True � False

Bedtimes are generally good times for being close. � True � False

During weekends we do a lot of things together that we enjoy and value. � True � False

We have the same values about entertaining in our home (having friends over, parties, etc.) � True � False

We both value special celebrations (like birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions). � True � False

When I become sick, I feel taken care of and loved by my spouse. � True � False

I really look forward to and enjoy our vacations and the travel we do together. � True � False

The mornings together are special times for me. � True � False

When we do errands together, we generally have a good time. � True � False

We have ways of becoming renewed and refreshed when we are burned out or fatigued. � True � False

YOUR ROLES

We share many similar values in our roles and husband and wife. � True � False

We share many similar values in our roles as mother and father. � True � False

We have many similar views about what it means to be a good friend to others. � True � False

My partner and I have compatible views about the role of work in one’s life. � True � False

My partner and I have similar philosophies about balancing work and family life. � True � False

My partner supports what I would see as my basic mission in life. � True � False

My partner shares my views on the importance of family and kin (sisters, brothers, moms, dads) in our life together. � True � False

YOUR GOALS

We share many of the same goals in our life together. � True � False

If I were to look back on my life in very old age, I think I would see that our paths in life had meshed very well. � True � False

My partner values my accomplishments. � True � False

My partner honors my very personal goals, unrelated to my marriage. � True � False

We share many of the same goals for others who are important to us (children, kin, friends, and community). � True � False

We have very similar financial goals. � True � False

We tend to have compatible financial disaster scenarios (ones we both want to avoid). � True � False

Our hopes and aspirations, as individuals and together, for our children, for our life in general, and for our old age are quite compatible. � True � False

Our life dreams tend to be similar or compatible. � True � False

Even when different, we have been able to find a way to honor our life dreams. � True � False

YOUR SYMBOLS

We see eye-to-eye about what “home” means. � True � False

Our philosophies of what love ought to be are quite compatible. � True � False

We have similar values about the importance of “peacefulness” in our lives. � True � False

We have similar views about the meaning of “family.” � True � False

We have similar views about the role of sex in our lives. � True � False

We have similar views about the role of love and affection in our lives. � True � False

We have similar values about the meaning of being married. � True � False

We have similar values about the importance and meaning of money in our lives. � True � False

We have similar values about the importance of education in our lives. � True � False

We have similar values about the importance of “fun” and “play” in our lives. � True � False

We have similar values about the significance of “adventure.” � True � False

We have similar values about “trust.” � True � False

We have similar values about personal “freedom.” � True � False

We have similar values about “autonomy” and “independence.” � True � False

We have similar values about sharing “power” in our marriage. � True � False

We have similar values about being “interdependent,” of being a “we.” � True � False

We have similar values about the meaning of “having possessions,” of “owning things” (like cars, nice clothes, books, music, a house, land). � True � False

We have similar values about the meaning of “nature” and of our relationship to the seasons. � True � False

We are both sentimental and tend to reminisce about things in our past. � True � False

We have similar views about what we want in retirement and old age. � True � False