Article Review

Copyright © American Psychological Association and eContent Management Pty Ltd. Journal of Family Studies {2001) 13: 224-235.

Disparate parenting and step-parenting with siblings in the

post-divorce fannily: Report from a 10-year longitudinal study

JUDITH WALLERSTEIN* Senior Lecturer Emerita, University of California at Berkeley, School of Social Welfare, San Francisco, California

JULIA M LEWIS Professor of Psychology, San Francisco State University, San Francisco, California

ABSTRACT A longitudinal study of divorced families shows widely discrepant psychological adjustment among siblings along with disparate relationships with parents and stepparents in one half of the families at the 10-year follow-up. These differences in sibling adjustment and parent-child relationships were not evident at the divorce assessment. This instability in many parent—child relationships following divorce and remarriage challenges the view of divorce as an acute time-limited crisis for children and court policy that assumes that parent-child relationships at divorce will remain rela- tively unchanged over the years that follow. Findings also show the power of remarriage to reshape parenting styles of biological parents.

Keywords: parenting; step-parenting; sibling relationships; post-divorce relationships

The research that we describe is the first divorce assessments. They were, however, strik- to investigate parent-child and stepparent- ingly evident a decade later in one half of the

child relationships with siblings over 10 years in multi-child divorced families in this longitudinal the post-divorce family. In each of the families study. Because well known studies of children in identified as showing marked disparities in the divorced families employ a research method that treatment of siblings by parents or stepparents, assesses only one 'target child' in each family one or more children showed serious psychologi- (Amato & Booth 1997; Cherlin, Chase-Lansdale cal and learning problems. These differences in & McRae, 1998; Emery 1994; Hetherington & the psychological condition of siblings and in the Kelly 2002), differences among siblings, along parenting of siblings were not apparent at the with disparate parenting, as these emerge over * This is a modified version of a previously published work. The citation of the original journal article is: Sibling

outcomes and disparate parenting and stepparenting after divorce: Report from a 10-year longitudinal study. By Wallerstein, Judith; Lewis, Julia M. Psychoana/ytic Psychohgy. 2007 Jul Vol 24(3) 445-458. Copyright © 2007 by the American Psychological Association. Reproduced with permission. No further reproduction or distribution is permitted without the written permission of the American Psychological Association.

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time, have gone unobserved and unreported. Our interest in exploring the course of post-divorce parenting of siblings was triggered by cases of parents who rejected one of several siblings, cases that came to light 5 and 10 years after the divorce (Wallerstein & Blakeslee 1989).

Example The marriage came apart at the mother's behest because of the father's drinking and physical abuse. The court order provided for weekly visits for the well-educated father with his son, age 7, and his daughter, age 5. The mother did not object. The father greeted his son warmly at each visit. He taught the boy to play chess, played ball with him, and praised him lovingly throughout their time together. By contrast, he ignored or humiliated his daughter, calling her 'stupid, just like your mother, just like all women,' or referring to her with coarse epithets, which the little girl fortunately did not understand, although their tone was unmistakable. After each visit, she cried for hours. Once she poignantly reported to her mother, 'At least this time. Daddy let me pet his dog.' These unhappy visits continued throughout the girl's childhood and early adolescence, causing the hapless child years of suffering. At the 25-year follow-up she was an anxious, timid young woman who allowed men to exploit and physi- cally abuse her.

There was no evidence of the father's rejection of his daughter before or at the divorce. While he was closer to her brother, he did not mistreat her until after the divorce, when she appeared to be standing in for her mother and for 'all women.' As a result, the rescue that the divorce provided for the mother was denied to the female child who was victimized, probably in her place.

BACKGROUND The expectation that siblings will be treated simi- larly by their parents (i.e., absent-specific allega- tions of mistreatment directed at a specific child) has been the dominant paradigm governing the work of the North American courts. Thus court

evaluations in custody disputes assess parenting interest and capacity as a general attribute of the parent, and assume, barring representations to the contrary, that these qualities extend equally to all siblings.

Another underlying assumption of the courts and mental health evaluations has been that par- ent-child relationships as assessed at the break-up are likely to endure. Guided by this unexamined assumption of restored stability once the divorce crisis is over, parent—child relationships at the time of the divorce provide the basis for long- term post-divorce planning. The lion's share of court attention and concern has been devoted to resolving parental confiict at the time of the break-up, in the, largely unstated, expectation that resolving that conflict will lead to stable co- parenting or stable parallel parenting. There has been little court recognition of the influence of stepparents, or subsequent changes in the circum- stances or adjustment of the children. In our experience, court orders for custody and visita- tion provide limited provision for flexibility or for revisiting the orders, without a return to court, as if stability in parent-child relationships is the expectable course in the divorced family.

Our goals in this paper are to report changes observed in parent-child relationships along with the changes in the adjustment of siblings in multi-child divorced and remarried families that were evident a decade after the breakup, in order to (a) broaden and realistically increase under- standing of the child's experience after divorce, (b) enlarge theoretical and clinical understanding of parent and stepparent child relationships, and (c) assess implications of these new findings for interventions.

Prior research A growing body of research on the differential parenting of siblings in two-parent families shows that under stressful circumstances, inc- luding marital tension and financial difficulties, siblings are at risk of disparate parenting (Jenk- ins, Rashbash & O'Connor 2003; Plomin &

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Datiiels 1987). A wide range of studies also shows that biological relatedtiess of parents or stepparents to one or more of the siblings is linked significantly to differential parenting that disadvantages the stepchildren in many domains (Brand, CUngenspiel & Bowen-Woodward 1988; Henderson & Taylor 1999; Hetherington, Hen- derson & Reiss 1999). Children or adolescents who are treated with negativity or marginalized by parents fall significantly behind their better treated siblings in their psychological adjustment (Conger & Conger 1994; Feinberg & Hether- ington 2001; McGuire, Dunn & Plomin 1995). The conditions that are associated with disparate outcomes among siblings are at the heart of mar- ital rupture, repartnering and remarriage. This is the first longitudinal study that traces these changes over the post-divorce years.

METHOD This report is based on research widely known as the California Children of Divorce Study, in which 60 families with 131 children between the ages of 2 and 18 were followed at regular intervals for 25 years following the marital break-up. All the siblings and both parents in each family were interviewed by well-trained, experienced clini- cians in several successive interviews averaging 16 hours per family, beginning with the initial assessment at the separation, prior to the legal divorce, then subsequently at 18 months, 5 years, 10 years and 25 years post-divorce. Interviews were transcribed and the data were coded. Cod- ing at each time period included several different measures of adjustment and clinical outcome as well as measures of the quality of the parent- child relationship.

In order to appreciate the different outcomes among siblings that we report here, it is important to note that only those families whose children were developmentally and academically on target and who had never been referred for psychothera- py or other special help were accepted into the study. The parents were mostly Caucasian, mid- dle-class and well-educated. There was no litiga-

tion of custody, visitation or relocation. The sam- ple design and method, including rating scales of children and parent-child relationships, as well as the extensive Endings have been reported in detail elsewhere (Lewis & Wallerstein 1987; Wallerstein & Blakeslee 1989; Wallerstein, Lewis & Blakeslee 2000). The data that we present here are derived from the 10- and 25-year follow-up studies.

The population at the 10-year mark repres- ented 87% of the initial group. It consisted of 112 children and adolescents from 52 families, ranging in age from 11 to 29 years. The median age range was 16 to 18; 25 families had 2 siblings each (50 children), 13 families had 3 siblings each (39 children), and 3 families had 4 siblings each (12 children).

In all but four families, the children were in the sole custody of the mother. In four families, the father was the sole custodian. Joint custody was not awarded in California courts in the early 1970s, at the time of the break-up, although 10 adolescents went back and forth for stays of at least 6 months in each parent's home during the post-divorce decade.

FINDINGS

One half of the families with more than one child (20 families with 55 children) showed widely discrepant psychological adjustment among the siblings along with striking and unexpected dis- continuities in parent—child relationships when they were assessed at 10 years post-divorce. These children, their parents and stepparents are the subject of this report. In each of these families, one or more children in the sibship were un- happy, lagged far below their potential in their academic and social behavior, or were otherwise symptomatic in ways that required treatment. These differences among the siblings, and the disparate parenting, were, as noted, not observed at the marital separation or during the immediate divorce aftermath. Relationships with stepparents developed after the baseline data had been collected.

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Families with three or more siblings The dominant pattern at the 10-year mark among 12 of the 16 families with 3 or more chil- dren was that one child was doing well and the others were functioning barely adequately or poorly at home and at school. There was no con- sistent birth order pattern or gender difference regarding which child in each of these larger fam- ilies was doing well or poorly. In only one remar- ried family with 3 or more children did the stepparent have a supportive parenting relation- ship with all of the children. Children who functioned adequately or well in their overall psychological adjustment within these sibships enjoyed a sustaining, stable relationship with a well-functioning parent or grandparent during their growing up years. Those who did poorly felt rejected or neglected by one or both parents or by one influential stepparent and lacked a counter- vailing loving relationship with any another parental or significant adult figure. Three chil- dren whom we have described elsewhere (Waller- stein et al. 2000) appear to have found support outside the family and succeeded in maintaining their development on course.

Father-child relationships in larger families Only 3 fathers of the 16 in these larger families were successful in maintaining committed parent- ing with all of their children by the 10-year mark. In all of the remaining families at least one child, and sometimes two, felt rejected. At least half of these fathers had participated regularly in the care of the children during the marriage, especially in bedtime rituals with the youngest child. This fathering disappeared after the divorce, especially following the father's remarriage.

Fathers had a difficult time dividing their attention among three children. It was often impossible to find activities that interested three children of different ages. Moreover the fathers complained that controlling the behavior and holding the interest of three youngsters was exhausting. As a result, many visits included

viewing long videos which allowed limited con- tact beween father and children. It was particu- larly difficult to maintain close contact with all of their children when there were new children in the father's remarried home. Faced with these dilemmas, these men appeared to give priority to the new family while narrowing their interest and attention to only one child in the prior family Sometimes it was the youngest child who had their attention. Sometimes it was the child who shared the father's interests or whose talents in sports or other domains captured his admiration. Often the father favored the child who was com- pliant or openly affectionate and respectful. This favored child became especially important if the father felt hurt or humiliated by the divorce. In several families the selected child was rewarded with more expensive gifts at Christmas and birth- days. For example, one father provided his son with a car on his I6th birthday, the cost of which he deducted from his obligatory child support for his 3 children. He failed to provide presents for the two other youngsters on their birthdays. Another father provided a motorcycle for his adolescent son at Christmas with no gift for his sisters. In half the families with two or more siblings, fathers paid for one sibling for study beyond High School but not for the others. In the remaining families the youngsters received no financial help to continue their education after High School. In only one family did the father provide full financial support for all ofhis chil- dren to continue their studies.

Example The parents divorced because of father's alleged affair with a teenage babysitter. After the divorce, the mother struggled with poorly paid work and the stress of parenting three children under the age of 7. Father selected the youngest child as his favorite, and his visits from the outset included providing him more time and rich gifts, includ- ing an expensive set of drums and music lessons. Father told us that he felt more comfortable in the company of the youngest child, who was not

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overtly distressed after the break-up. This favored child later told us happily: 'I was too little to miss him.' At the 10-year mark, all three youngsters were bright students. Nevertheless, the father, who was a middle manager in a large company, set aside college funds only for the youngest. The middle child had serious, untreated medical needs, including a heart condition, which the father ignored, although the mother could not afford medical insurance. Both older children struggled with moderate depression during their adolescence. One was arrested for attempted bur- glary. The youngest child was content and thriv- ing, looking forward to attending college and a

career in science.

Father-child relationships in families with two children As the post divorce years went by, fathers were altogether more likely to favor children who were responsive and eager to spend time with them, or those who engaged successfully in activities that the father admired or enjoyed. Much of the sus- tained father—child contact depended on the child's interest in being with the father and the father's flexibility and capacity to maintain a one- on-one relationship with the child.

The major contribution of the child in main- taining the father-child relationship is crystal clear in these post-divorce families. Some fathers were particularly vulnerable to rebuff by their children. They were hurt, then angry and accusa- tory towards their former wives and children, or they withdrew in distress, when children com- plained of boredom or of missing their friends or their pets. (Animals were often barred from accompanying the children to the father's home because they were not permitted on public trans- portation.) Fathers typically found it easier to spend time with their youngest children rather than with preadolescents or teenagers. They told us how they enjoyed the admiration and open affection that the younger children provided. These relationships lessened as the child matured. Most fathers of daughters reported difficulty in

maintaining relationships when the youngsters reached young adolescence. Several girls were anxious about sleeping over in the father's home, if the father lived alone. Several spoke of their embarrassment about experiencing their early menstruation in the father's home. One 12-year- old girl reported acute anxiety at having to cross her father's bedroom to get to the bathroom at night. Fathers' contacts with their children also diminished markedly in cases in which the moth- er's second marriage was successful. Several fathers reported: 'I felt that I had nothing to offer.'

Example The parents were high school sweethearts who married when her pregnancy was discovered. She divorced him 5 years later, after she entered col- lege. She claimed that he lacked ambition, while admitting that he was fond of her and a devoted father to their two children. Mother soon remar- ried an older man, who quickly took charge of the family. Father felt overshadowed by the finan- cially successful new husband in addition to feel- ing humiliated and hurt by the divorce. His visits to his children were soon compressed into driving into the driveway of his former wife's new home and spending only a few minutes there with his children. In response to his son's reaching out to him, father was able to reestablish their connec- tion, which was based in part on their shared interest in building ship models. The father's vis- its with his daughter languished as she reached her early teens, despite her love and longing to see him.

The boy was doing reasonably well at the 10- year mark. The girl, who had been a lively, high- achieving child, and had felt during the marriage that she was the father's favorite, was moderately depressed, and became acutely depressed at age 17, when she was rejected in a love affair with a young boy. She died shortly thereafter in a one- car accident. She was alone in the car.

Mother-child relationships Most of the mothers in families with three or

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more children spoke of feeling overburdened by the financial problems they faced after the divorce, by their full-time, often poorly paying jobs, and by full responsibility for the care of three or more, mostly young children. One half of these mothers had not worked outside the home between the birth of their third child and the end of the marriage. After the divorce, several mothers worked full-time while attending night school to acquire skills for better jobs. Some worked several jobs. In two of the families, the mothers also had sole responsibility for aging, ill parents. Under these stressful conditions, some children received the bulk of attention while oth- ers were marginalized. The mothers were con- cerned that children were deprived of their formerly attentive parenting but felt helpless to change their beavy schedules. Some concentrated on the cbild who needed the most care; this was often the youngest cbild. Sometimes the mother slanted her parenting towards the child who made her needs known and demanded attention. In other families, tbe mother was closer and more responsive to the child who was most helpful to her; tbis was often the oldest girl.

Example Mother, a young, attractive woman who had left college to marry her bigh school sweetheart, was happy with her husband and family. She was a devoted full-time mother who was especially close to her youngest daughter. Her marriage col- lapsed precipitously wben her husband's large gambling debts came to light. Father left the state quickly, leaving the mother with the care of three children below the age of 10. Mother went to work full-time, attended school at night to gain marketable skills, and relied on her oldest child, age 9, for help in supervising the younger chil- dren and running the household. The youngest child, age 4, was devastated by tbe loss of her attentive mother. At age 5, she entered our play- room demanding: 'I need a mommy.' Mother rewarded the oldest child with warm praise and privileges, but was unable to care as before for

either the youngest or the middle child, botb of whom felt abandoned. At the 10-year mark, the oldest child looked well. Her self-esteem was high. She was proud of helping her mother and had resolved to become a teacher. The youngest and middle children, by contrast, were doing poorly. The middle child, a young latency boy at the marital break-up, was withdrawn and barely getting by at school. The youngest child, a tru- anting, promiscuous angry young adolescent at the 10-year mark, was, in the mother's agonized words, 'out of control.'

Mothers did not feel overburdened in the two- child families. Maternal preferences among chil- dren were not evident in this group except insofar as the women supported, or did not interfere with the stepfather's preferences.

Stepparent-child relationships At the end of the post-divorce decade, there were 12 stepmothers and 13 stepfathers, including five families with two remarried parents, among the 20 families in this group. By then, one-third of the remarried parents were in their third mar- riage. Only one stepparent in this group enjoyed close relationships with all of the stepchildren. The remainder responded selectively, typically preferring or rejecting one child among the siblings. Tbere was little evidence that these disparate relationships troubled these stepparents, or that they felt a moral obligation to treat all the stepchildren equally.

Tbere was no predominant detectable pattern regarding which child among the stepsiblings was preferred or rejected, although adolescent chil- dren were more likely to challenge the stepfather and evoke conflict. The pattern that emerged depended on the web of child and adult relation- ships within the individual family, which could include both biological parents and their new partners, and sometimes grandparents, as well as the passions, vulnerabilities and wounds remain- ing from the marriages and the divorces. Whether the stepparent had children with whom he or she

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maintained close contact, brought into the remarried home, or looked forward to having children within the new marriage, were also key factors is setting the new family interactions.

Stepmother relationships with siblings Stepmothers in this group had limited engage- ment with the children from the father's first marriage. As one stepmother told us: 'I'm ashamed to say this, but I wanted the man, not his kids.' By and large, they expected that their own home and lifestyle would have priority and were reluctant to adapt their schedules to the wishes of the custodial mother, or to the chil- dren's priorities. Only one woman rejected the husband's children altogether, but none in this group reached out energetically to all of the sib- lings from the prior family. While few spelled out their criteria on a conscious level, stepmothers were likely to prefer the child who was happily responsive to their interest and to pay far less attention to a child who required special out- reach, or who, they felt, resented their presence. All preferred the child who quickly learned to adapt to the rules and culture of the new house- hold. Those stepmothers with their own children preferred the stepchild who got along well with their own children, or the older child who helped with the younger children's care.

Contact between the biological mother and the stepmother, even when cordial on the surface, was often tense. At issue, typically, were who would pay for special needs or wishes of the stepchild and how these needs should be bal- anced against the agenda of the new family. In one family the stepchild's need for dental care was rejected in favor of the stepmother and father's European vacation. Rivalry between the two women had multiple emotional and material roots that did not, by and large, disappear or diminish markedly, especially when the biological mother did not remarry. Even young children were aware of these tensions.

Stepmothers could and did exercise a power- ful, often decisive influence on how much time

and resources the father devoted to the children of the prior marriage, as well as in selecting a favorite or a least favorite child. One stepmother with four children from her earlier marriage requested her new husband to act as coach and driver for their many athletic activities. This left him no time to see his own children. Sometimes the discrepancy in gifts between the stepmother's children from her earlier marriage and the stepchildren was heartbreaking for the stepchildren. One step- mother giRed her stepchildren with identical vests on three successive Christmas holidays while pro- viding bicycles, skateboards and other exciting, expensive toys for her own children, who were the same age as the stepchildren.

No father in this group disputed the step- mother's behavior or perception regarding what was appropriate in his relationship with his chil- dren, although fathers were not always happy with stepmother's demands or choices. The pow- erful dynamics of these interactions emerged most clearly with the youngest child, especially if the child was of preschool age and had a tender, affectionate relationship with the father. The youngest child in these scenarios became the spe- cial target of the stepmother's rejection. This was more likely to occur if the biological mother was actively involved in the child's life and if the step- mother was much younger than the husband. It appeared, at times, that the young child was regarded as the emissary of the divorced wife and that her very presence threatened the new mar- riage. Even when frankly sharing with us their disagreements with the stepmother, the fathers said that they were reluctant to rock their second (or third) marriage by taking a critical stand. As a result, the relationship between the biological father and his children often waned or even ended following his remarriage.

Example Father and stepmother married shortly after his divorce. The father was devoted to his three daughters and had remained in his first marriage largely because ofhis love and concern for them.

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His relationship with his youngest daughter, age 5 at the break-up, was especially affectionate. His contact with her soon dwindled, however, due to the stepmother's active interference. The step- mother was preoccupied with neatness in her home and resented the youngest child's toys and play. Stating that the child at age 5 was too old to sit on her father's lap, she forbade this interaction. She objected as well to the child holding the father's hand when they went walking and delib- erately unclasped their hands and stepped between them. The stepmother also insisted on a strictly enforced rule that she and father would not discuss any of the children from prior mar- riages. Although he was known in the communi- ty as an aggressive businessman, father meekly abided by her requests. He soon gave up on see- ing his youngest daughter, although he spoke regretfully to us of his own and the child's dis- tress. The child was deeply hurt by what she experienced as father's rejection and abandon- ment. She struggled with serious regression, which included clinging to her mother and a school phobia that persisted for several years. The school phobia emerged again in high school, at which time the girl entered 3 years of intensive treatment. She reported to us that her sudden loss of contact with her beloved father as a very young child, while he continued to see her sisters regu- larly, was a recurrent theme in her psychotherapy. The older children, who were functioning well, met their father regularly for pleasant visits out- side the stepmother's home, and were able to maintain their close relationships with both par- ents along with their good adjustment and high academic achievements.

Stepfather relationships with siblings The 13 in this group were typically closely involved in the children's daily lives and appeared to have preferences among them, which they sometimes displayed fairly openly from the start. For all but one stepfather, this was a second mar- riage. Most were older than the children's biolog- ical fathers. The majority of the stepfathers

expressed definite ideas about how to bring up children; they held the opinion that strict disci- pline was important, and that boys especially needed strong guidance from a man. They gave no evidence of thinking that the man the boys needed was their own father, but instead stepped forward to ftll the role. Several openly conveyed their lack of regard, even disdain, for the father as husband and parent. Moreover mothers often encouraged the stepfather's dominant role. They reported to us that they were relieved to yield the responsibility for parenting, which they had found very difficult, especially with teenage sons, and they stood aside passively as the step- father took over the reins of discipline with older children and adolescents. This could lead to angry confrontations between stepfathers and teenagers, which was associated, as the young people reported to us, with their leaving home prematurely.

Stepfathers were happily responsive to indi- vidual stepchildren who welcomed them or with whom they shared hobbies or interests. Those who were athletes enjoyed stepchildren who shared their athletic interests and had difficulty relating to those who had no interest or ability in sports. Two men were openly disdainful of young stepsons who suffered with asthma, which pre- vented them from competing in sports. Several stepfethers found the adolescents to be thorny and challenging and indicated to us their expectation that teenagers should be compliant, reasonably well-mannered and responsive. Overall it seemed far more difficult for stepfathers than for biologi- cal parents to identify with the internal struggles of the adolescent youngsters, or even to recall their own adolescence in dealing with or judging their stepchildren's moderately rebellious behaviors. Often they attributed appropriate teenage inde- pendence to the laxity of the mother, which they sought to remedy with stern interventions. The majority of stepfathers found it easier and more gratifying to be affectionate and playful with younger stepchildren. Many soon became the pri- mary male parent for the youngest children.

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Mothers did not actively attempt to counteract the stepfather's preferences by defending the child or by providing greater attention to the child who was pushed into the shadows. And as already noted, a mothers successful remarriage could dis- courage the biological father from continuing to parent or even visit his children. As a result, a child who felt rejected by a stepfather could feel rejected by both biological parents as well.

Example Parents had been married for 10 years when the mother sued for divorce, complaining of the hus- band's passivity and her own boredom. Mother and stepfather married shortly after mother's divorce was final. The new blended family included three of the stepfather's sons from his previous marriage, along with the boy and girl from the wife's first marriage. Stepfather's prefer- ence for his 5-year-old stepdaughter was evident from the start. He was taken with her charm and was much more lenient with her than with the boys, with whom he was strict and demanding. He remained consistently affectionate with her over the years, providing her with special privi- leges and gifts including funds for college tuition. At the 10-year-mark, the girl radiated self-confi- dence. Her older brother, who tested as a gifted student, was neglected by the stepfather and was sad, withdrawn and self-deprecating at the 10- year-mark. His academic achievement fell far below his potential, and he had no plans for col- lege. The biological father, who described to us his discomfort with the happily married couple, gradually curtailed his visits to both of his children. His diminished visits were another painful blow to his son. Despite her expressed concern to us about her son's unhappiness and poor school performance, the mother, an in- dependent woman in her lifestyle who was not dependent financially on the stepfather, did not try to counteract the stepfather's open prefer- ence for his sister or to address her son's sense of rejection or the importance of college for this gifted boy.

Conflicts between parents and stepparents Although it is widely believed within the legal system that all children suffer when the parents are in conflict with each other, we found that in those families where parents remained angry but not litigating 10 years after the divorce, typically only one child among the siblings was likely to bear the brunt of the old or newly kindled resent- ment. Often one or both stepparents entered the parental disputes. Although stepparent and bio- logical parent might have little direct contact with each other, antagonisms arose over a range of issues including child support, differences in discipline and values, intense sexual jealousy over the former spouse, or free-floating competitive- ness and aggression that had found a socially acceptable target. A common scenario was for one child to be identified by the stepparent as resembling his mother or being more loyal to his father, whether or not this was true. 'He takes after his father,' was the common complaint about the boy. Sometimes the mother joined in the stepfather's anger. More often she maintained a passive role. But only rarely did the mother intervene actively to block the stepfather's anger at her child who was caught innocently in the rivalry between the two men.

Example Mother, a very attractive woman, brought two girls, ages 11 and 8, and a boy of 6 into her remarriage to a wealthy politician, who was known for his hot temper and intemperate behavior. The stepfather had little interest in any of the children but got along reasonably well with the two girls, who were attractive and well spoken. The boy, who was small and timid, angered the stepfather almost chronically. Throughout this marriage, the stepfather derided the little boy with sarcastic remarks and threats of severe spankings. As a result, the child had a wretched childhood. He did poorly in school and peer relationships despite his own father's concern and sporadic efforts to intervene to pro-

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tect him. At 10 yeats he was in trouble with the law. The mother remained entirely passive in the face of the frightening threats by the stepfather and her son's acute distress. By contrast the older sisters were developmentally on target and doing very well in school. They maintained a guarded but cordial relationship with their stepfather and a loving relationship with their father.

Happily, in three remarriages the stepparent's role was that of a benevolent parent who fulfilled the hopes of troubled youngsters and was able to change the course of their young lives. The res- cue of an unhappy stepchild was impressive in these families. But even in these praiseworthy instances, the same rescue did not necessarily extend to other siblings in the family who were equally in need of help.

Example Mother brought two delinquent children into the remarriage, a truanting girl of 16 who was a member of a local, fairly wild motorcycle gang, and a rebellious boy of 14 with an arrest record. The stepfather approached the girl with sensitivi- ty and tact. He offered to send her to college if she could complete the necessary requirements and give up her delinquent friends. She was moved by the generosity ofhis offer and reported to us with amazement: 'He put his money where his mouth was.' When she graduated from col- lege, her stepfather told us proudly: 'That was my own daughter standing there.' He was, however, punitive and unrelenting with her troubled brother, who became increasingly delinquent during the same years. The mother joined in his anger at the boy. The father was preoccupied with children in his remarriage and showed very little interest in these youngsters.

Limitations of the study Although case studies of 52 families over a decade is a limited sample, the fmdings are so strong and compelling that the implications warrant our attention. Clearly this is a subject that requires

longitudinal exploration of a large population, which would include assessing all of the siblings, both parents and stepparents, as well as long-term cohabitations with children, over a significant number of years post-divorce. There is, however, no reason to assume that the circumstances we describe are unusual or that these families are unique in any significant regard that would affect the findings. They represented, when selected, divorce in the best of circumstances, because of the high educational level and middle-class and professional affiliations of the parents, the devel- opmental appropriateness of all of the children, and the absence of litigation.

DISCUSSION This long-term research suggests that the current judicial model does not adequately refiect the actual functioning of the post divorce family. Contrary to the courts' assumption that the qual- ity of parent—child relationships observable at the time of divorce with all of the children in the family is likely to endure, and can therefore serve as a firm basis for post divorce planning of cus- tody and visitation, we found considerable insta- bility in parent-child relationships over the years, along with significant differences in the parenting of siblings in one half of the multi-child families. Father-child relationships were especially unsta- ble following divorce, as were both mother— and father-child relationships following remarriage.

Many factors influence parenting after divorce. These include the number of siblings in the fami- ly, their ages at the divorce, the financial burdens of the custodial mother, the appeal of individual children, the relationship between the biological parents, and the attitudes and interests of the stepparents. The changes in parent-child rela- tionships that we report were not caused by relo- cations, which were absent or minimal, or by other unusual events. On the contrary, they ref- lect the common issues that parents encounter as they struggle with stressful adjustments to the newly divorced family, and the powerful, unpre- dictable impact of the stepparent's entry into the

Volume 13, Issue 1, November 2007 JOURNAL OF FAMILY STUDIES 2 3 3

Judith Wallerstein and Julia M Lewis

family. Since the great majority of divorced par- ents remarry, the finding that the stepparent can exert significant infiuence on the biological par- ent's parenting is news of major importance.

Courts have assumed that the best interests of the child are determined by frequent and con- tinuing contact with both parents. This factor is considered to be central to the child's develop- ment and is ordered with the goal and expec- tation of preserving stability in parent-child relationships via custody arrangements. But, as we have seen, this stability is often an illusion. Even when custody arrangements are unchanged, predictable changes within the family can reshape the parenting of the child and the quality of her life. How the law is to respond to these findings is surely not clear. Indeed, because the instability we found has not previously been identified, it has not been considered by the mental health com- munity and does not feature in legal discourse.

These findings also run counter to the domi- nant paradigm regarding the impact of divorce on the child. It is still widely believed by courts and participating mental health professionals that the central problem in divorce for the child is ongoing, unresolved confiict between the parents. Undoubtedly confiict management is critical. But as we have seen in this study, the lives of children whose parents do not litigate are also complex and difficult, and the psychological health and wellbeing of those children who lose out to their siblings in their fair share of parental attention and resources is imperiled. Our findings also strongly suggest that the critical challenges for the child lie in her many years in the divorced and/or remarried family rather than in the break-up experience itself, which now receives the lion's share of legal and mental health attention and

resources. Unexpectedly, and importantly, the study

shows that the stepparent has the power to influ- ence or even to reshape the relationship between the biological parent and his or her children. Presumably anxiety about another divorce and efforts to avoid confiict in the new marriage rein-

force the power of the stepparent. This finding speaks to the importance of evaluating the full panoply of family relationships including the role of stepparents with all siblings, and their influ- ence on the parent's relationships with all of their children, when families engage in post-divorce litigation.

What might explain the instability of many parent—child relationships in the wake of divorce and remarriage? We propose that, in addition, to its roots within the individual parent's character and history, parenting is powerfully reinforced by the adults' close physical and emotional connec- tions within the marriage. Their shared daily life as a family strengthens their commitment to parenting all the siblings, while the presence of children conceived and raised in the marriage reinforces the marital bond. Following divorce, however, the ties of mutual affection and con- joined efforts are shattered and no longer strengthen or sustain parental feelings or behav- ior. The pillow talk of parenting dies with the dying marriage. Engaged parenting and even par- allel parenting, the latter being a commonly iden- tified pattern in the divorced family, is difficult for many parents to maintain in the absence of another committed adult who fully shares the day-to-day rewards and responsibilities of raising children.

By contrast with the biological parent, the Stepparent's relationship with the child has no roots in the psyche of the stepparent. Stepparents and children meet as strangers. They may or may not find common ground. Some spouses love their stepchildren as their own. Others have little interest in parenting. Evidently, some choose the child that they prefer, or reject the child who is not appealing. It is striking that, as this study shows, many remarriages fail to fijUy integrate the children of the prior marriage, and many steppar- ents do not feel constrained to treat all the sib- lings in their remarriage with equal attention and

concern. In our experience, courts have been reluctant

to acknowledge the child's influential role in the

2 3 4 JOURNAL OF FAMILY STUDIES Volume 13, Issue 2, November 2007

Disparate parenting and step-parenting with siblings in the post-divorce family

divorced family. They have often thought of the

child as a passive vessel for carrying one parent's

agenda. But our findings show unequivocally that

children in divorced and remarried families can

play an independent role. They can be important,

even critical, in enhancing or diminishing their

relationships especially with stepparents. It ap-

pears that for those siblings with special attrac-

tiveness, or skills that were useful or admired, it

was easier to maintain the divorced or remarried

adults' interest over the years. Tragically, for other

siblings who were timid or less appealing, or who

needed special patience or consideration, achiev-

ing a stable relationship with a remarried parent

or stepparent could be an insurmountable task.

These hapless children were left behind.

Finally, this study has implications for ex-

panded parent education. In addition to a focus

on resolving conflict, parent education could

profitably address the opportunities and the

stressful post-divorce changes that lie ahead for

both adults and children. Realistic advice to help

parents allay the often justified anxieties of chil-

dren that one or both parents will be lost in the

family transition - amid the counter pulls of the

workplace and the parents' efforts to establish a

satisfying adult life - would surely meet an urgent

need.

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