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"Below is a description of one’sstruggle with depression and thoughts of suicide.TWU Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS): (940) 898-3801or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800)273-8255.Andrea CampbellRachel ReynoldsEnglish 102329 August 2020

A Shattered Mind

Depression is a lot like drowning. You are drowning but you cannot die, all you can do is watch everyone around you breathing as you struggle just to stay afloat. As I sat on the floor of my room watching red streams flow down my arms,I asked myself “How did I get here?”; the real question was “How did I let myself get here?”When you are beginning to drown, they say your chest tightens as you gasp for air, your lungs feel like they are on fire and panic sets in with the realization of nearing death. That is how I felt that morning as I sat on the cold hardwood and felt the panic set in. Red pools were surrounding me and all I could think about was the pain in my chest, not knowing if I actually wanted to die or if I was complacent with feeling the pain in my arm and not in my heart. Yet my chest was still tight, my emotions were still rabid, and I was still broken. Many people wonder how someone gets to the point of contemplating suicide and how depression manifests itself in the mind. Having a chemical imbalance is a strong leader of why depression occurs, but it is not the overall cause. Based on a study done by Harvard Medical School, “there are many possible causes of depression, including faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems” (Harvard Health Publishing) These are all concepts that factor into why someone may become depressed" "According to Mayo Clinic, the defining attributes of depression are, “a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems ... and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living” (Depression). Everyone gets sad, but depression brings a darkness. Depression is not something that will come and go but rather it lingers for weeks, months and often years. Depression and anxiety are highly misunderstood mental disorders that should not only be defined by the way it manipulates your behavior but by the way it changes the life and the quality of life of the sufferer. Depression can always be present,""but when a tragic event occurs the depression deepens. Growing up as an athlete, the court was all I knew. I was determined to do well in school because I had the motivation of athletics, not because I enjoyed education. I wanted to play, I wanted to take out my aggressions, be the best at something and make it all the way. While playing in college on a full athletic scholarship, I tore everything in my knee and was unable to play for at least a year. I had already been on medication to help balance the depression, but this was too much to control. A sports injury may not seem drastic to many but for the athlete it is life altering. With a history of depression, my emotions took over and, in my mind, my life had""begun to spiral out of control. What was the point in keeping up my grades? It is not like I could play anymore. Why hangout with my team? I did not feel like a teammate anymore. The impact of an injury from a psychological perspective is significant. Ask any great competitive athlete: at the top of their list of fears, you’ll find “sports-related injury.” The

sad reality, however, is that many young athletes have already undergone or will undergo, at some point, a serious, possibly life-altering injury. In 2010, a related study""brought to light that not only do coaches and athletic trainers (ATs) need to be taking into concern the physical nature of the injured athlete, but the mental state as well. Both are pivotal to the athlete’s return to competitive play. An AT is in a position to help injured athletes in psychological recovery as well as their physical rehabilitation (Gardiner-Shires & Heinerichs; Kamphoff et al.).Glazer stated, “when it comes to injury rehabilitation, it’s really impossible to separate what’s going on in the athlete’s brain from what happens in the rest of the body” (188). While an athlete may pass every physical test required for returning, this does not mean the athlete’s psychological state is healthy (Glazer). It is very likely that the athlete will undergo emotional distress during their recovery period. Potential psychological disturbances that might be experienced by the injured athlete could include anger, depression, anxiety, tension, fear, and lowered self-esteem which will typically result in an immediate imbalance in the athlete’s life and recovery process. This may eventually lead to loss of health and a decline in athletic potential (Barton; Crust; Schwab Reese, Pittsinger, & Yang).""Psychological consequences of sport injury can uproot several major issues. This can include issues with how the athletes perceive themselves after the initial injury, how they go about coping, emotional reactions towards the injury, possible psychological factors that could affect the rehabilitation outcomes, social support during rehabilitation, and the interaction between the athlete and the AT (Brewer; Glazer; Granito, Hogan, & Varnum).Anxiety and negative stressors can be counted as widely regarded examples of issues psychologically in relation with athletic injury (Hamson-Utley).Typically, when an athletic injury occurs, athletes will go through a five-step process, commonly known as the Kübler-Ross model, or the five stages of grief: 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression, and 5) acceptance (Crust). Once the initial shock of the injury has""died down, the athlete will try to lessen the actual severity of the injury, refusing to accept the actual extensive nature of the injury. However, once the seriousness finally seeps in, this denial is replaced with anger, which can be directed at themselves as well as everyone around them. This is dependent upon situational and personal factors. Once this stage is undergone, the athlete might start to try to rationalize, trying to avoid the reality of their situation. They will bargain hard work for a quick recovery, and other such things. Once they are no longer able to ignore the apparentness of their injury, the athlete could possibly move into a depressed state for the ambiguity of the future. Once depression has played out, acceptance follows, along with a focus directed towards rehabilitation and recovery. This model is a process that often occurs over the period of rehabilitation and the time period of each step is dependent on the athlete’s capability and inclination to move on. If an athlete is not motivated and supported through the steps, an AT might find common negative occurrences. These will look like, “feelings of anger and confusion within the athlete, an obsession with the question of return to play, denial, exaggerated boastfulness of accomplishments, rapid mood swings, withdrawal, and fatalistic thinking, as well as dwelling on minor complications” (Crust). As I sat there on the hardwood floor with lines of blood falling off each side of my arm I knew I had lost myself. I was not aware of the signs, my current depression only allowed me to""harbor even more anger and let it fester in the back of my mind until I thought a blade would make it all go away. The importance of my psychological health post-injury was never made aware to me until I was to the point of no return. As an athletic family, we need to

realize the struggles our teammates are facing and do more to support and love them. I should have asked for help and knowing the seriousness of this situations and the dramatic outcomes that can come""from an athletic injury I want to be there to help others just like I wanted someone to be there to help me"