Bad Message - Professional Writing

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annotated-Bad20News20Message20Final.docx.pdf

Message 1: Routine Explanatory Email

TO: Dr. Trainor FROM: Carlos Medina DATE: September 13, 2022 SUBJECT: Please review: Recent layoffs in the Organization

Dear Dr. Trainor:

I hope that that this email finds you well, I would like to discuss with you the recent staff reductions implemented at the university. These layoffs have produced significant friction inside the organization.

Since, there is unease among the workforce, and I am unsure how to address their concerns and keep them motivated in the face of these challenging circumstances, and because you are a member of our team and a seasoned expert in the field of personnel administration, I am hoping you would share some of your thoughts with me on this matter.

I would appreciate it if you could look at the background around the downsizing, particularly concerning your thoughts on how well the company will be able to deal with the anxiety caused by the layoffs. Within the next few days, I will be publishing a statement to that effect, and I would very much appreciate your thoughts on the topic before I do so.

Sincerely,

Carlos Medina HR Manager Mobile: (305) 123-4567 Email: [email protected]

Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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G&P: comma splice -- two complete sentences separated by a comma, which makes this a run-on sentence. Easy fix: divide into two sentences with a period or add a connecting word.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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S&D: Dummy subject: Avoid dummy subjects like "there are" or “it is” in favor of more direct, active constructions. You can remedy by rephrasing the sentence with a specific subject and action verb.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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S&D: Concision: long, wordy sentence with indirect construction. Revise and/or divide and simplify.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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FYI: If you choose to open with goodwill, make sure your goodwill is sincere and personalized. Generic goodwill like "I hope this email finds you well" can detract from reader focus by seeming perfunctory.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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S&D: vague pronoun: Avoid vague pronouns like “it,” “this,” or “that to be clear about what you’re referring to. Replace with/add a specific noun(s) or rephrase to improve clarity.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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S&D: writer-focused writing/metadiscourse: rather than writing about what you're writing (metadiscourse), focus on your reader by rephrasing your statement as a polite request. For example: "Please share your thoughts with me..."
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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F&O: weak frontloading: move this polite request up to the beginning of your message so your reader knows the main point of your message right away.

Message 2: Indirect Bad News Message

TO: Company Employees FROM: Carlos Medina, HR Manager DATE: September 13, 2022 Subject: Explanation about recent layoffs.

Dear colleagues,

Despite the unpredictability that has persisted over the previous seven days, I have every reason to believe that all of you are doing well. It is essential for me to give an update regarding the downsizing problem many of you have as a bit of upsetting news. As you are probably aware, the nation's economy has been in a downturn since 2020, when the COVID-19 pandemic struck; thus, many businesses are doing everything in their power to ensure that they continue to be competitive. Even we do not stand out from the pack. We had to reduce the number of employees with lower competency levels to ensure that those who remained could receive adequate compensation.

I want to suggest you on maintaining your composure and equanimity, even though you are unsure whether you will continue working for this organization. The practice of layoffs was never a one-person decision, nor was it carried out as a kind of punitive treatment; instead, it was a move that was collectively decided by the overall executive team to improve the business.

In addition, as you are all aware, the profile of our clients places a premium on high-quality service. For this purpose, we decided to implement cutting-edge technology to improve our services. People who were utterly capable of keeping up with these technological advances were given top priority.

I want to reassure you that the matter is under control and that there will not be any more layoffs. The predetermined number of employees who were supposed to be let go has been reached to the established target; as a result, the remaining employees can operate without inconvenience or anxiety. I wish everyone to have a great month and excellent professional performance.

Best regards,

HR Manager Carlos Medina Mobile: (305) 123-4567 Email: [email protected]

Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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S&D: Avoid passive voice, which makes your writing less direct. You can remedy by making the doer of the action verb the subject of the sentence.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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S&D: tone: avoid a commanding tone, which might alienate your reader, especially when discussing your reasoning/rationale for the layoffs. Instead, use concrete, direct language to explain the objective reasoning for the layoffs: the health of the business.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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Better rationale/reasoning here
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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Make sure to provide a relevant, specific resolution -- in this case, you seem to be telling your employees to feel better without offering them a real viable alternative. Also, you want your resolution to appeal to/reassure your reader to effectively control his reaction.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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S&D: dummy subject
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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Content: avoid mentions of the bad news in your opening paragraph. Instead, create a neutral buffer with neutral context for more effective indirect message strategy.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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Content: avoid previewing the bad news to come in your subject line for effective indirect message strategy. While normally you want to be specific and action-oriented in your subject lines, for an indirect message, you want to be neutral and indirect
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
10160000001026401
S&D: avoid negative language, which emphasizes the bad news. Instead, revise using specific, concrete neutral language.
Michelle Lesifko-Bremer
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S&D: dummy subject