Informative Essay Revision

Name: Anibal Hernandez

Date: July 7, 2020

Course: English Composition I

Introduction

Family is defined in the oxford dictionary as “a group consisting of one or two parents and their children” (Dictionary, n.d). This is the first thing that comes to an individual's mind when it comes to the world "family." Society defines family as the blood relation that one has to other individuals. While all of this is true, Family is much more about blood relations. The family also includes the people that an individual has a deep, unbreaking, and unwavering bond with. Comment by Victor Klimoski: Proper nouns = capitalized Comment by Victor Klimoski: no cam Comment by Victor Klimoski: about or than?

In hindsight, many definitions define family, all of which point to a group of people that live together, share genetics and traits from their forefathers, and have responsibilities on each other. Your typical family's several roles include parents, children, siblings, and further branching relations to them, all that have relatively matching genetic code. For many people, however, this isn't the only extension of family but extends to people to which an individual has a deep and lasting relationship. Comment by Victor Klimoski: Avoid “you” and “your” in essays like these. We ask that you maintain a formal, informative style. “You/your” strays from that.

Discussion:

The need for family is one of the most basic necessities for a human being, and caters to their wellbeing. Many cultures and religions have installed responsibilities on people relating to their families due to various reasons. First of all, it's intrinsic and coded in our biology to care and support our family. A family makes sure to protect and help an individual throughout all the endeavors of life. Secondly, it's a social responsibility to take care of your family. Family is a sign of identification for many cultures. Children are known by the name of their fathers and are hence given respect according to their father's title. Family establishes a reputation and a general outlook of how a person is, or how they'll turn out. In short, a family is necessary for the survival and functioning of a human being. Comment by Victor Klimoski: no comma

The problem starts with what becomes of those that don't have a family they can call out to. There is an estimate of 443,000 orphans that are recorded by The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, out of which around 123,000 orphans are waiting for adoption (Kuligowski, 2019). This is just one adoption agency that has an estimate on orphans, and there are many more that still out on the streets. Some people have stopped communing with their families because of abusive relationships or because of their parents disowning them. Various other reasons can contribute to a person breaking from their biological families, and as discussed, people need a family to survive and thrive. That is why family should include more than just biologically related individuals.

They say that you can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friend’s, however, close friends should be considered as happily as well. The term family can extend to include many individuals who can have various effects on a person. The first case is the friends that people make. Friends also play an essential part in a person's life, and though an individual makes many friends throughout their life, there are very few to which they can let down their guard. Old and trusting friends have a profound effect on a person's mental and physical state, and that is why the extension of family should also apply to them. Comment by Victor Klimoski: this is the possessive form; you mean the plural = friends. ALSO: The comma after friends is not correct. You can use a period or a semicolon Comment by Victor Klimoski: whom – which refers to an inanimate object

Any person that goes out of their way to help an individual, time, and time again, should be considered not as friends, but as family. Old best friends leave a lasting impression, that shapes a person's personality and outlook on life. There are many people that care for each other’s mental and physical wellbeing, and that is why they can be considered family. These kinds of people can adequately provide for each and fill in the roles of the biological families as much as they can. For example, an older male friend can fulfill the role of an older brother, physically protecting a person and offering them advice as they progress through life. Comment by Victor Klimoski: no comma Comment by Victor Klimoski: no comma

Family can also extend to mentors and teachers to which an individual has developed a personal relationship with. These mentors guide a person through their life, offering advice on how to navigate through life's problems. These mentors can also contribute to the development of a skill that an individual needed or demanded, which contributed to the person's success. The skills and lessons bestowed upon a person take them throughout the difficulties of life, which is why the family's definition should extend to mentors that have had a profound effect on an individual's standard of living. These mentors can be anyone from a teacher of a certain skill, a professional in a respective field such as a C.E.O of a company, or even a carpenter. As long as the mentor's interactions left a positive and profound effect on the individual, and the individual also considers the mentor as an important part of his life, that teacher should also be considered as family. Comment by Victor Klimoski: it would be more precise to say “mentors and teachers”

Not only human beings should be considered as family, but our loyal and playful pets should be as well. Although many of the examples and scenarios discussed included humans, there are many examples of people adopting pets as family. As the interactions with people become complex and unpredictable to fathom, people tend to keep pets as family. These pets give comfort, a sense of purpose and responsibility that gives respite to people. Even if pets act disobedient, they don't give verbal confirmation of a person's personality, which keeps their ego intact and removes the option of ever causing drama. The lack of consequence of human social interaction, but still getting the respite of affection from a living thing, can keep people happy. That is why people that are dedicated to taking care of their pets consider their furry friends like family. Comment by Victor Klimoski: This is uncleasr Comment by Victor Klimoski: no comma

Though all of these examples, it's pretty clear that the definition of family doesn't extend to one's biological parents or siblings, but people and even animals attach emotional importance to it. The many complex and intriguing relationships stem from a person's need for validation and social interaction, which causes a person to create emotional bonds to like-minded people, individuals that were of help, or even critters that provide comfort to those that need it. That is why the extension of the family is necessary for people that crave more than familial love. Comment by Victor Klimoski: needs some clarification – e.g. “extend just to…but to people Comment by Victor Klimoski: where there is an

Think about your writing:

Question 1:

The significance of this essay is that it establishes that there are many other important relationships than your biological relatives. Humans are complex creatures, and the need to make bonds and socialize is necessary for a person's survival. Multiple types of research show the adverse effects of not having people count on, which is why people find many other forms of relationships outside of their immediate family. The inclusion of such people to the status of the family is important so that they can be addressed as such, and even enjoy some of the responsibilities that society usually puts on families.

Question 2:

The draft was enjoyable to write and did not face any problem writing it whatsoever. The only qualms I have with the draft that it's not backed with scientific evidence, non that I can find with anyways. The inclusion of peer-reviewed articles would have made the argument much more engaging.

Question 3:

The most difficult part of my writing was to make scientifically sound sentences. The only way to deal with such problems is to fund and reference such facts to make the paragraphs much more engaging. Various examples from various sources would also help the case for making much more of a sound argument.

Bibliography Dictionary, O. (n.d). Retrieved from oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com: https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/family_1 Kuligowski, S. (2019, 4 15). Retrieved from Adoption.com: https://adoption.com/how-many-orphans-in-the-us

Touchstone 3 Rubric and Feedback
Rubric Category	Feedback	Score (acceptable, needs improvement etc.)
Image Analysis OR Extended Definition	Defines a meaningful word in a coherent way that pushes beyond traditional meanings.	2/2
Working Thesis	Thesis, with a little re-wording, is up to the task of the essay.	1/2
Organization	Well organized, using three main points to lay out how she understands family in a broadened meaning. A couple of sentences need greater clarity.	2/2
Style and Tone	Generally maintains a formal and informative tone. Words chosen well.	1/1
Focus	Details are specific and related to the thesis.	1/1
Conventions	Pretty good command of conventions although the writer needs to review the use of commas – when and where.	0/1
Think About Your Writing	Very thoughtful and self-insightful	1/1
Overall Score and Feedback: 8/10 Anibal, you have a very good basis for Touchstone 4. I have made comments that can help you address some of the errors I encountered. In addition, use the revision as a way of rethinking the essay so that what is written reflects your best thinking.