peer letters

Intro to Creative Writing

Professor Harrell

4/22/18

Unit Three

Weightless

The last goodbye was filled with mixed emotions. I had been sitting in this rocking chair for who knows how long. My hands were turning purple from how long they’d been clenched together. My nails were engraved into my skin to where blood was dripping out. I had no sense of what was happening around me. I couldn’t see anything except blur and darkness. Tears would not stop draining out of my eyes. It felt like a whole ocean was coming out from my eyes. There was no one to go to. Just darkness. I was in a tunnel and could not find the light to get out. I was stuck in a hole and could not dig my way out of there. There was no one standing on the other side waiting to help me out. I am alone. I am completely numb. Only I can save myself, but how? Someone had just ripped my heart out. Demolished it to pieces. Who am I. I can barely move. I don’t have an appetite to consume anything. Millions of scenarios are running in my head. He had vanished from my life. Thoughts were roaming my head. What I wish I could have said to convince him to stay. What I wish I could have done to prevent this feeling of loneliness and isolation from occurring. This was my fault. Everything was me. I deserved to feel like nothing. I deserved to be left alone. I deserved it all.

There was nothing that I could do. How do you get someone back into your life if they did not want to be? How do you tell someone to love you if they don’t even have a pinch of love in their body? I am a ghost. Invisible and not even thought about by people close. Left and forgotten by the people that were supposed to be here forever. Right when he said the words “it’s over,” I had felt a breeze that swept my soul out of my body. I had lost my tongue, my brain, my life. Everything disappeared in the very millisecond that those words were spoken. When he grabbed his red collared shirts and blue jeans and packed it all up. He bolted out with his brown and yellow suitcase into a blonde, thin figure, and red lipped female’s car without even a glance back. It was really over. Five years of being together had just gone down the drain. It had no meaning. It felt like ripping a bandaid off really fast but not having a wound there to begin with. It was pointless. Everything. The good morning's, I love yous, dates, none of it meant a damn thing. This was my fault. Everything was me. I deserved to feel like nothing. I deserved to be left alone. I deserved it all. All I had was my love to offer. What is that? How can that put a roof over someone's head or put food into someones mouth? That is not enough to make someone want to stay in my life. I am nothing. I am a paper bag just floating in the air without a destination. I am a leaf that just fell from a freshly bloomed tree. I am an old dirty rag that has no purpose except to be thrown away. I am nothing. I could not stop replaying all of the joyful moments from the last five years of my life. I could not even remember anything past the point in which he was not in it. From the random adventures to Philadelphia where we would pay the five dollar toll just to get soft insomnia cookies. The long sweaty hikes just to see trees from a higher point of view. The extremely competitive races to the car after we were done in a store. Trips to the beach. The three hour long road trips just to go to our favorite dessert shop for some vanilla shaved ice cream with lychee jelly, cantaloupe, mango, and grapes. These memories had already vanished from his mind. None of that mattered enough for him to stay. My mind was wandering off to all of these thoughts, to all of the laughter and comfort that we shared with one another. The long talks in the cars or in our rooms about our future and what is in store for us. The talks about who we are and what we want to do with our lives. It was all so confusing at the time, we were lost kids in love, but somehow during those talks I felt like I had my life figured out. I felt like just with him being there by my side, I knew everything would turn out okay. I felt like us drifting apart was never going to be an issue. Our love was so real, so pure, it was an endless amount of love. But then, it wasn’t.

Suddenly all of the joyous memories disappeared. It was like I got punched in the face by reality. I could not remember when I was me. I could not remember when I actually did things for myself. When I felt like a queen. When I felt like I had the whole world in my hands. When I felt like I was the CEO of a company or when I felt like a movie star. When I felt like my life mattered. When I actually felt like I mattered. Mourning over a loss of someone that was still alive was something I had never imagined. Having to be away from someone that I had known from what seemed to be my whole life, was soul crushing. It was like stepping on thumbtacks for miles and miles. It was like being kicked in the stomach countless of times for three hours. It was like drowning and not being able to have a gasp of air. It was like suffocating in a plastic shopping bag without knowing how to get out. But worse. Stepping on thumbtacks, getting kicked in the stomach, suffocating, drowning, all seemed better than this soul-crushing heart ripping experience. It was worse not being able to breathe knowing that you have nothing stopping you from being able to. I didn’t know that his final words, “it’s over,” would be my saviour. It was my escape. The roadtrips, the talks, the random adventures, were amazing but it was not the full picture. There were countless of arguments that occurred that left me in bruises and with broken bones. There were countless of times where I felt like my mind was going to explode from all of the lies and broken promises that he had crammed into my head. There were countless of times where I was isolated from my loved ones because of his selfishness. There were countless of weeks were I had to cry myself to sleep at night because I had no one to turn to. He was not there for me. He was not there for me when I was lying on the bathroom floor with cuts on my arms. He was not there for me when I was internally screaming and wishing someone would save me from this myself, from the life that I had. He was never there. He did not love me. He never will. But somehow, I still can’t seem to get him out of my mind. Somehow it was still engraved in my head that he was the one. I will not find anyone better than him. I do not deserve anyone better than him. This was my life and I could not escape my fate. My life was revolved around him. The past five years the only face, the only communication I was able to have with a human being was him. I no longer had a family. I no longer had friends. I was alone. Truly alone this time. But, this was my fault. Everything was me. I deserved to feel like nothing. I deserved to be left alone. I deserved it all. I could not remember anything past the point in which he was not in it. I could not remember how to function without having to depend on someone. Someone so wrong but so right at the same time. I wish I could help myself. I wish I was the one at the end of the dark tunnel guiding myself out of it. I wish I was the one that saved myself from drowning. I wish I could be the one to stop myself from feeling like I am suffocating. But I can’t. I do not know how. I am like a fish that does not know how to swim. I am like a match that had been used. I am like a seed that can not grow. I am like a light bulb that does not work. I am useless. I am nothing.

Maybe I had loved him for the way he treated me on the good days. Maybe I had loved him for the kind words that he would say to me just to get me to obey. Maybe I had loved him because I knew what he could be. Although I am lost, although I am blind, I will find my way out. I will be the one to guide myself out of this dark and horrific tunnel. I will guide myself out form drowning and continue on my life without him. He may have loved me at one point in our five years of being together. He may have felt something for me like I did for him. He may have been trying to protect me this whole time. He may have cared. He may have even hated me. But his final words will always be my saviour even if I did not realize it at the time. “It’s over,” saved me. This breakup was not my fault. This breakup was not because of me. I did not deserve what I had been through. I did not deserve the bruises, the broken bones, the harsh words from another human being. This was not my fault. Everything was not me. I deserved to feel like a queen. I deserved to feel true love. Love that did not leave me crying to sleep weeks on end. Love that did not leave me with insecurity. Love that did not leave me wishing for saviour. Love that did not leave me feeling like I was worthless. I did not need anything more than myself. I needed me. I was the saviour in my life. I was the one that had to overcome these hardships. I was the only one that was there for myself. I deserved to feel true happiness. I deserved to be truly loved and cared for. “It’s over,” were the only words I didn’t know I needed by someone that I didn’t know I could live without.