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9/9/2020 Cha e 1: Nigh a e Ale a de S ee

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Chap er 1: Nigh mare

Chap er 1: Nigh mare

Chap er One: Nigh mare When m mo her a pregnan i h me, he old me la er, a par of hooded K Kl Klan rider galloped p o o r home in Omaha, Nebra ka, one nigh . S rro nding he ho e, brandi hing heir ho g n and rifle , he ho ed for m fa her o come o . M mo her en o he fron door and opened i . S anding here he co ld ee her pregnan condi ion, he old hem ha he a alone i h her hree mall children, and ha m fa her a a a , preaching,

in Mil a kee. The Klan men ho ed hrea and arning a her ha e had be er ge o of o n beca e " he good Chri ian hi e people" ere no going o and for m fa her'

" preading ro ble" among he "good" Negroe of Omaha i h he "back o Africa" preaching of Marc Gar e . M fa her, he Re erend Earl Li le, a a Bap i mini er, a dedica ed organi er for Marc A reli Gar e ' U. N. I. A. (Uni er al Negro Impro emen A ocia ion). Wi h he help of

ch di ciple a m fa her, Gar e , from hi headq ar er in Ne York Ci ' Harlem, a rai ing he banner of black-race p ri and e hor ing he Negro ma e o re rn o heir ance ral African homeland -a ca e hich had made Gar e he mo con ro er ial black man on ear h. S ill ho ing hrea , he Klan men finall p rred heir hor e and galloped aro nd he ho e, ha ering e er indo pane i h heir g n b . Then he rode off in o he nigh , heir orche flaring, a ddenl a he had come. M fa her a enraged hen he re rned. He decided o ai n il I a born - hich o ld be oon -and hen he famil o ld mo e. I am no re h he made hi deci ion, for he a no

a frigh ened Negro, a mo hen ere, and man ill are oda . M fa her a a big, i -foo - fo r, er black man. He had onl one e e. Ho he had lo he o her one I ha e ne er kno n. He a from Re nold , Georgia, here he had lef chool af er he hird or ma be fo r h grade. He belie ed, a did Marc Gar e , ha freedom, independence and elf-re pec co ld ne er be achie ed b he Negro in America, and ha herefore he Negro ho ld lea e America o he

hi e man and re rn o hi African land of origin. Among he rea on m fa her had decided o ri k and dedica e hi life o help di emina e hi philo oph among hi people a ha he

had een fo r of hi i bro her die b iolence, hree of hem killed b hi e men, incl ding one b l nching. Wha m fa her co ld no kno hen a ha of he remaining hree, incl ding him elf, onl one, m Uncle Jim, o ld die in bed, of na ral ca e . Nor hern hi e police ere la er o hoo m Uncle O car. And m fa her a finall him elf o die b he hi e man' hand . I ha al a been m belief ha I, oo, ill die b iolence. I ha e done all ha I can o be prepared. I a m fa her' e en h child. He had hree children b a pre io marriage -Ella, Earl, and Mar , ho li ed in Bo on. He had me and married m mo her in Philadelphia, here heir fir child, m olde f ll bro her, Wilfred, a born. The mo ed from Philadelphia o Omaha,

here Hilda and hen Philber ere born.

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I a ne in line. M mo her a en -eigh hen I a born on Ma 19, 1925, in an Omaha ho pi al. Then e mo ed o Mil a kee, here Reginald a born. From infanc , he had ome kind of hernia condi ion hich a o handicap him ph icall for he re of hi life. Lo i e Li le, m mo her, ho a born in Grenada, in he Bri i h We Indie , looked like a

hi e oman. Her fa her as hi e. She had raigh black hair, and her accen did no o nd like a Negro' . Of hi hi e fa her of her , I kno no hing e cep her hame abo i . I remember hearing her a he a glad ha he had ne er een him. I a , of co r e, beca e of him ha I go m reddi h-bro n "marin " color of kin, and m hair of he ame color. I a he ligh e child in o r famil . (O in he orld la er on, in Bo on and Ne York, I a

among he million of Negroe ho ere in ane eno gh o feel ha i a ome kind of a mbol o be ligh -comple ioned - ha one a ac all for na e o be born h . B , ill

la er, I learned o ha e e er drop of ha hi e rapi ' blood ha i in me.) O r famil a ed onl briefl in Mil a kee, for m fa her an ed o find a place here he co ld rai e o r o n food and perhap b ild a b ine . The eaching of Marc Gar e re ed becoming independen of he hi e man. We en ne , for ome rea on, o Lan ing, Michigan. M fa her bo gh a ho e and oon, a had been hi pa ern, he a doing free-lance Chri ian preaching in local Negro Bap i ch rche , and d ring he eek he a roaming abo preading ord of Marc Gar e .

He had beg n o la a a a ing for he ore he had al a an ed o o n hen, a al a , ome pid local Uncle Tom Negroe began o f nnel orie abo hi re ol ionar belief o he local hi e people. Thi ime, he ge -o -of- o n hrea came from a local ha e ocie

called The Black Legion. The ore black robe in ead of hi e. Soon, nearl e er here m fa her en , Black Legionnaire ere re iling him a an " ppi nigger" for an ing o o n a

ore, for li ing o ide he Lan ing Negro di ric , for preading nre and di en ion among " he good nigger ." A in Omaha, m mo her a pregnan again, hi ime i h m o nge i er. Shor l af er Y onne a born came he nigh mare nigh in 1929, m earlie i id memor . I remember being ddenl na ched a ake in o a frigh ening conf ion of pi ol ho and ho ing and moke and flame . M fa her had ho ed and ho a he o hi e men ho had e he fire

and ere r nning a a . O r home a b rning do n aro nd . We ere l nging and b mping and mbling all o er each o her r ing o e cape. M mo her, i h he bab in her arm , j made i in o he ard before he ho e cra hed in, ho ering park . I remember e ere o ide in he nigh in o r nder ear, cr ing and elling o r head off. The hi e police and firemen came and ood aro nd a ching a he ho e b rned do n o he gro nd. M fa her pre ailed on ome friend o clo he and ho e emporaril ; hen he mo ed in o ano her ho e on he o kir of Ea Lan ing. In ho e da Negroe eren' allo ed af er dark in Ea Lan ing proper. There' here Michigan S a e Uni er i i loca ed; I rela ed all of hi o an a dience of den hen I poke here in Jan ar , 1963 (and had he fir re nion

in a long hile i h m o nger bro her, Rober , ho a here doing po grad a e die in p cholog ). I old hem ho Ea Lan ing hara ed o m ch ha e had o mo e again, hi ime o mile o of o n, in o he co n r . Thi a here m fa her b il for i h hi

o n hand a fo r-room ho e. Thi i here I reall begin o remember hing - hi home here I ar ed o gro p.

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Af er he fire, I remember ha m fa her a called in and q e ioned abo a permi for he pi ol i h hich he had ho a he hi e men ho e he fire. I remember ha he police

ere al a dropping b o r ho e, ho ing hing aro nd, "j checking" or "looking for a g n." The pi ol he ere looking for - hich he ne er fo nd, and for hich he o ldn' i e a permi - a e ed p in ide a pillo . M fa her' .22 rifle and hi ho g n, ho gh,

ere righ o in he open; e er one had hem for h n ing bird and rabbi and o her game. Af er ha , m memorie are of he fric ion be een m fa her and mo her. The eemed o be nearl al a a odd . Some ime m fa her o ld bea her. I migh ha e had ome hing o do

i h he fac ha m mo her had a pre good ed ca ion. Where he go i I don' kno . B an ed ca ed oman, I ppo e, can' re i he emp a ion o correc an ned ca ed man. E er no and hen, hen he p ho e moo h ord on him, he o ld grab her. M fa her a al o belligeren o ard all of he children, e cep me. The older one he o ld bea almo a agel if he broke an of hi r le -and he had o man r le i a hard o kno hem all. Nearl all m

hipping came from m mo her. I' e ho gh a lo abo h . I ac all belie e ha a an i- hi e a m fa her a , he a bcon cio l o afflic ed i h he hi e man' brain a hing

of Negroe ha he inclined o fa or he ligh one , and I a hi ligh e child. Mo Negro paren in ho e da o ld almo in inc i el rea an ligh er children be er han he did he darker one . I came direc l from he la er radi ion ha he "m la o," beca e he a i ibl nearer o hi e, a herefore "be er."

M o o her image of m fa her are bo h o ide he home. One a hi role a a Bap i preacher. He ne er pa ored in an reg lar ch rch of hi o n; he a al a a " i i ing preacher." I remember e peciall hi fa ori e ermon: "Tha li le black rain i a-comin' . . . an'

o be er ge all o r b ine righ !" I g e hi al o fi hi a ocia ion i h he back- o- Africa mo emen , i h Marc Gar e ' "Black Train Home ard." M bro her Philber , he one j older han me, lo ed ch rch, b i conf ed and ama ed me. I o ld i goggle-e ed a m fa her j mping and ho ing a he preached, i h he congrega ion j mping and ho ing behind him, heir o l and bodie de o ed o inging and pra ing. E en a ha o ng

age, I j co ldn' belie e in he Chri ian concep of Je a omeone di ine. And no religio per on, n il I a a man in m en ie -and hen in pri on -co ld ell me an hing. I had er li le re pec for mo people ho repre en ed religion. I a in hi role a a preacher ha m fa her had mo con ac i h he Negroe of Lan ing. Belie e me hen I ell o ha ho e Negroe ere in bad hape hen. The are ill in bad hape - ho gh in a differen a . B ha I mean ha I don' kno a o n i h a higher

percen age of complacen and mi g ided o-called "middle-cla " Negroe - he pical a - mbol-orien ed, in egra ion- eeking pe of Negroe . J recen l , I a anding in a lobb

a he Uni ed Na ion alking i h an African amba ador and hi ife, hen a Negro came p o me and aid, "Yo kno me?" I a a li le embarra ed beca e I ho gh he a omeone I ho ld remember. I rned o ha he a one of ho e bragging, elf- a i fied, "middle-cla "

Lan ing Negroe . I a n' ingra ia ed. He a he pe ho o ld ne er ha e been a ocia ed i h Africa, n il he fad of ha ing African friend became a a - mbol for "middle-cla "

Negroe . Back hen I a gro ing p, he " cce f l" Lan ing Negroe ere ch a ai er and boo black . To be a jani or a ome do n o n ore a o be highl re pec ed. The real "eli e," he "big ho ," he " oice of he race," ere he ai er a he Lan ing Co n r Cl b and he

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hoe hine bo a he a e capi ol. The onl Negroe ho reall had an mone ere he one in he n mber racke , or ho ran he gambling ho e , or ho in ome o her a li ed para i icall off he poore one , ho ere he ma e . No Negroe ere hired hen b Lan ing' big Old mobile plan , or he Reo plan . (Do o remember he Reo? I a man fac red in Lan ing, and R. E. Old , he man af er hom i a named, al o li ed in Lan ing. When he ar came along, he hired ome Negro jani or .) The b lk of he Negroe

ere ei her on Welfare, or W. P. A., or he ar ed. The da a o come hen o r famil a o poor ha e o ld ea he hole o of a do ghn ; b a ha ime e ere m ch be er off han mo o n Negroe . The rea on a ha e rai ed m ch of o r o n food o here in he co n r here e ere. We ere m ch

be er off han he o n Negroe ho o ld ho , a m fa her preached, for he pie-in- he- k and heir hea en in he hereaf er hile he hi e man had hi here on ear h.

I kne ha he collec ion m fa her go for hi preaching ere mainl ha fed and clo hed , and he al o did o her odd job , b ill he image of him ha made me pro de a hi

cr ading and mili an campaigning i h he ord of Marc Gar e . A o ng a I a hen, I kne from ha I o erheard ha m fa her a a ing ome hing ha made him a " o gh" man. I remember an old lad , grinning and a ing o m fa her, "Yo 're caring he e hi e folk o dea h!" One of he rea on I' e al a fel ha m fa her fa ored me a ha o he be of m remembrance, i a onl me ha he ome ime ook i h him o he Gar e U. N. I. A. mee ing hich he held q ie l in differen people' home . There ere ne er more han a fe people a an one ime - en a mo . B ha a a lo , packed in o omeone' li ing room. I no iced ho differen l he all ac ed, al ho gh ome ime he ere he ame people ho j mped and ho ed in ch rch. B in he e mee ing bo h he and m

fa her ere more in en e, more in elligen and do n o ear h. I made me feel he ame a . I can remember hearing of "Adam dri en o of he garden in o he ca e of E rope," "Africa for he African ," "E hiopian , A ake!" And m fa her o ld alk abo ho i o ld no be m ch longer before Africa o ld be comple el r n b Negroe -"b black men," a he phra e he al a ed. "No one kno hen he ho r of Africa' redemp ion come h. I i in he ind. I i coming. One da , like a orm, i ill be here."

I remember eeing he big, hin pho ograph of Marc Gar e ha ere pa ed from hand o hand. M fa her had a big en elope of hem ha he al a ook o he e mee ing . The pic re ho ed ha eemed o me million of Negroe hronged in parade behind Gar e riding in a

fine car, a big black man dre ed in a da ling niform i h gold braid on i , and he a earing a hrilling ha i h all pl me . I remember hearing ha he had black follo er no

onl in he Uni ed S a e b all aro nd he orld, and I remember ho he mee ing al a clo ed i h m fa her a ing, e eral ime , and he people chan ing af er him, "Up, o migh race, o can accompli h ha o ill!" I ha e ne er nder ood h , af er hearing a m ch a I did of he e kind of hing , I omeho ne er ho gh , hen, of he black people in Africa. M image of Africa, a ha ime, a of naked a age , cannibal , monke and iger and eaming j ngle .

M fa her o ld dri e in hi old black o ring car, ome ime aking me, o mee ing place all aro nd he Lan ing area. I remember one da ime mee ing (mo ere a nigh ) in he o n of O o o, for mile from Lan ing, hich he Negroe called "Whi e Ci ." (O o o' grea e

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claim o fame i ha i i he home o n of Thoma E. De e .) A in Ea Lan ing, no Negroe ere allo ed on he ree here af er dark -hence he da ime mee ing. In poin of fac , in

ho e da lo of Michigan o n ere like ha . E er o n had a fe "home" Negroe ho li ed here. Some ime i o ld be

j one famil , a in he nearb co n ea , Ma on, hich had a ingle Negro famil named L on . Mr. L on had been a famo foo ball ar a Ma on High School, a highl ho gh of in Ma on, and con eq en l he no orked aro nd ha o n in menial job . M mo her a hi ime eemed o be al a orking -cooking, a hing, ironing, cleaning, and f ing o er eigh children. And he a all ei her arg ing i h or no peaking o m fa her. One ca e of fric ion a ha he had rong idea abo ha he o ldn' ea -and didn' an s o ea -incl ding pork and rabbi , bo h of hich m fa her lo ed dearl . He a a real Georgia Negro, and he belie ed in ea ing plen of ha e in Harlem oda call " o l food." I' e aid ha m mo her a he one ho hipped me -a lea he did hene er he a n' a hamed o le he neighbor hink he a killing me. For if he e en ac ed a ho gh he a abo o rai e her hand o me, I o ld open m mo h and le he orld kno abo i . If an bod a pa ing b o on he road, he o ld ei her change her mind or j gi e me a fe lick . Thinking abo i no , I feel defini el ha j a m fa her fa ored me for being ligh er han he o her children, m mo her ga e me more hell for he ame rea on. She a er ligh

her elf b he fa ored he one ho ere darker. Wilfred, I kno , a par ic larl her angel. I remember ha he o ld ell me o ge o of he ho e and "Le he n hine on o o o can ge ome color." She en o of her a ne er o le me become afflic ed i h a en e of color- periori . I am re ha he rea ed me hi a par l beca e of ho he came o be ligh her elf. I learned earl ha cr ing o in pro e co ld accompli h hing . M older bro her and i er had ar ed o chool hen, ome ime , he o ld come in and a k for a b ered bi c i or ome hing and m mo her, impa ien l , o ld ell hem no. B I o ld cr o and make a

f n il I go ha I an ed. I remember ell ho m mo her a ked me h I co ldn' be a nice bo like Wilfred; b I o ld hink o m elf ha Wilfred, for being o nice and q ie , of en a ed h ngr . So earl in life, I had learned ha if o an ome hing, o had be er make ome noi e.

No onl did e ha e o r big garden, b e rai ed chicken . M fa her o ld b ome bab chick and m mo her o ld rai e hem. We all lo ed chicken. Tha a one di h here a no arg men i h m fa her abo . One hing in par ic lar ha I remember made me feel gra ef l o ard m mo her a ha one da I en and a ked her for m o n garden, and he did le

me ha e m o n li le plo . I lo ed i and ook care of i ell. I lo ed e peciall o gro pea . I a pro d hen e had hem on o r able. I o ld p ll o he gra in m garden b hand hen he fir li le blade came p. I o ld pa rol he ro on m hand and knee for an orm and b g , and I o ld kill and b r hem. And ome ime hen I had e er hing raigh and clean for m hing o gro , I o ld lie do n on m back be een o ro , and I o ld ga e p in he bl e k a he clo d mo ing and hink all kind of hing .

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A fi e, I, oo, began o go o chool, lea ing home in he morning along i h Wilfred, Hilda, and Philber . I a he Plea an Gro e School ha en from kindergar en hro gh he eigh h grade. I a o mile o ide he ci limi , and I g e here a no problem abo o r a ending beca e e ere he onl Negroe in he area. In ho e da hi e people in he Nor h all o ld "adop " j a fe Negroe ; he didn' ee hem a an hrea . The hi e kid didn' make an grea hing abo , ei her. The called "nigger" and "darkie" and "Ra " o m ch ha e ho gh ho e ere o r na ral name . B he didn' hink of i a an in l ; i a j he a he ho gh abo . One af ernoon in 1931 hen Wilfred, Hilda, Philber , and I came home, m mo her and fa her

ere ha ing one of heir arg men . There had la el been a lo of en ion aro nd he ho e beca e of Black Legion hrea . An a , m fa her had aken one of he rabbi hich e ere rai ing, and ordered m mo her o cook i . We rai ed rabbi , b old hem o hi e . M fa her had aken a rabbi from he rabbi pen. He had p lled off he rabbi ' head. He a o rong, he needed no knife o behead chicken or rabbi . Wi h one i of hi big black hand he impl i ed off he head and hre he bleeding-necked hing back a m mo her' fee .

M mo her a cr ing. She ar ed o kin he rabbi , prepara or o cooking i . B m fa her a o angr he lammed on o of he fron door and ar ed alking p he road o ard

o n. I a hen ha m mo her had hi i ion. She had al a been a range oman in hi en e, and had al a had a rong in i ion of hing abo o happen. And mo of her children are he ame a , I hink. When ome hing i abo o happen, I can feel ome hing, en e ome hing. I ne er ha e kno n ome hing o happen ha ha ca gh me comple el off g ard -

e cep once. And ha a hen, ear la er, I di co ered fac I co ldn' belie e abo a man ho, p n il ha di co er , I o ld gladl ha e gi en m life for.

M fa her a ell p he road hen m mo her ran creaming o on o he porch. " Earl ! Earl !" She creamed hi name. She cl ched p her apron in one hand, and ran do n acro he ard and in o he road. M fa her rned aro nd. He a her. For ome rea on, con idering

ho angr he had been hen he lef , he a ed a her. B he kep on going. She old me la er, m mo her did, ha he had a i ion of m fa her' end. All he re of he af ernoon, he a no her elf, cr ing and ner o and p e . She fini hed cooking he rabbi and p he hole hing in he armer par of he black o e. When m fa her a no back home b o r bed ime, m mo her h gged and cl ched , and e fel range, no kno ing

ha o do, beca e he had ne er ac ed like ha . I remember aking p o he o nd of m mo her' creaming again. When I crambled o , I a he police in he li ing room; he ere r ing o calm her do n. She had na ched on her

clo he o go i h hem. And all of children ho ere aring kne i ho an one ha ing o a i ha ome hing errible had happened o o r fa her.

M mo her a aken b he police o he ho pi al, and o a room here a hee a o er m fa her in a bed, and he

o ldn' look, he a afraid o look. Probabl i a i e ha he didn' . M fa her' k ll, on one ide, a cr hed in, I a old la er. Negroe in Lan ing ha e al a hi pered ha he

a a acked, and hen laid acro ome rack for a ree car o r n o er him. Hi bod a c almo in half.

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He li ed o and a half ho r in ha condi ion. Negroe hen ere ronger han he are no , e peciall Georgia Negroe . Negroe born in Georgia had o be rong impl o r i e. I a morning hen e children a home go he ord ha he a dead. I a i . I can remember a ag e commo ion, he ho e filled p i h people cr ing, a ing bi erl ha he

hi e Black Legion had finall go en him. M mo her a h erical. In he bedroom, omen ere holding melling al nder her no e. She a ill h erical a he f neral.

I don' ha e a er clear memor of he f neral, ei her. Oddl , he main hing I remember i ha i a n' in a ch rch, and ha rpri ed me, ince m fa her a a preacher, and I had

been here he preached people' f neral in ch rche . B hi a in a f neral home. And I remember ha d ring he er ice a big black fl came do n and landed on m fa her' face, and Wilfred prang p from hi chair and he hooed he fl a a , and he came groping back o hi chair - here ere folding chair for o i on -and he ear ere reaming do n hi face. When e en b he ca ke , I remember ha I ho gh ha i looked a if m fa her'

rong black face had been d ed i h flo r, and I i hed he hadn' p on ch a lo of i . Back in he big fo r-room ho e, here ere man i i or for ano her eek or o. The ere good friend of he famil , ch a he L on from Ma on, el e mile a a , and he Walker , McG ire , Li coe , he Green , Randolph , and he T rner , and o her from Lan ing, and a lo of people from o her o n , hom I had een a he Gar e mee ing . We children adj ed more ea il han o r mo her did. We co ldn' ee, a clearl a he did, he rial ha la ahead. A he i i or apered off, he became er concerned abo collec ing he o in rance policie ha m fa her had al a been pro d he carried. He had al a aid ha familie ho ld

be pro ec ed in ca e of dea h. One polic apparen l paid off i ho an problem - he maller one. I don' kno he amo n of i . I o ld imagine i a no more han a ho and dollar , and ma be half of ha . B af er ha mone came, and m mo her had paid o a lo of i for he f neral and e pen e , he began going in o o n and re rning er p e . The compan ha had i ed he bigger

polic a balking a pa ing off. The ere claiming ha m fa her had commi ed icide. Vi i or came again, and here a bi er alk abo hi e people: ho co ld m fa her ba h him elf in he head, hen ge do n acro he ree car rack o be r n o er? So here e ere. M mo her a hir -fo r ear old no , i h no h band, no pro ider or pro ec or o ake care of her eigh children. B ome kind of a famil ro ine go going again. And for a long a he fir in rance mone la ed, e did all righ . Wilfred, ho a a pre able fello , began o ac older han hi age. I hink he had he en e o ee, hen he re of didn' , ha a in he ind for . He q ie l q i chool and en o o n in earch of ork. He ook an kind of job he co ld find and he o ld come home, dog- ired, in he e ening , and gi e ha e er he had made o m mo her.

Hilda, ho al a had been q ie , oo, a ended o he babie . Philber and I didn' con rib e an hing. We j fo gh all he ime -each o her a home, and hen a chool e o ld eam p and figh hi e kid . Some ime he figh o ld be racial in na re, b he migh be abo an hing.

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Reginald came nder m ing. Since he had gro n o of he oddling age, he and I had become er clo e. I ppo e I enjo ed he fac ha he a he li le one, nder me, ho looked

p o me. M mo her began o b on credi . M fa her had al a been er rongl again credi . "Credi i he fir ep in o deb and back in o la er ," he had al a aid. And hen he en o ork her elf. She o ld go in o Lan ing and find differen job -in ho e ork, or e ing -

for hi e people. The didn' reali e, all , ha he a a Negro. A lo of hi e people aro nd here didn' an Negroe in heir ho e .

She o ld do fine n il in ome a or o her i go o people ho he a , ho e ido he a . And hen he o ld be le go. I remember ho he ed o come home cr ing, b r ing

o hide i , beca e he had lo a job ha he needed o m ch. Once hen one of -I canno remember hich -had o go for ome hing o here he a

orking, and he people a , and reali ed he a ac all a Negro, he a fired on he po , and he came home cr ing, hi ime no hiding i .

When he a e Welfare people began coming o o r ho e, e o ld come from chool ome ime and find hem alking i h o r mo her, a king a ho and q e ion . The ac ed

and looked a her, and a , and aro nd in o r ho e, in a a ha had abo i he feeling -a lea for me - ha e ere no people. In heir e e igh e ere j things, ha a all. M mo her began o recei e o check -a Welfare check and, I belie e, ido ' pen ion. The check helped. B he eren' eno gh, a man of a here ere. When he came, abo he fir of he mon h, one al a a alread o ed in f ll, if no more, o he man a he

grocer ore. And, af er ha , he o her one didn' la long. We began o go if l do nhill. The ph ical do nhill a n' a q ick a he p chological. M mo her a , abo e e er hing el e, a pro d oman, and i ook i oll on her ha he a accep ing chari . And her feeling ere comm nica ed o . She o ld peak harpl o he man a he grocer ore for padding he bill, elling him ha he a n' ignoran , and he didn' like ha . She o ld alk back harpl o he a e Welfare

people, elling hem ha he a a gro n oman, able o rai e her children, ha i a n' nece ar for hem o keep coming aro nd o m ch, meddling in o r li e . And he didn' like ha .

B he mon hl Welfare check a heir pa . The ac ed a if he o ned , a if e ere heir pri a e proper . A m ch a m mo her o ld ha e liked o, he co ldn' keep hem o .

She o ld ge par ic larl incen ed hen he began in i ing pon dra ing older children a ide, one a a ime, o on he porch or ome here, and

a king q e ion , or elling hing -again o r mo her and again each o her. We co ldn' nder and h , if he a e a illing o gi e package of mea , ack of po a oe and fr i , and can of all kind of hing , o r mo her ob io l ha ed o accep . We reall co ldn' nder and. Wha I la er nder ood a ha m mo her a making a de pera e effor o pre er e her pride -and o r .

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Pride a j abo all e had o pre er e, for b 1934, e reall began o ffer. Thi a abo he or depre ion ear, and no one e kne had eno gh o ea or li e on. Some old famil friend i i ed no and hen. A fir he bro gh food. Tho gh i a chari , m mo her ook i . Wilfred a orking o help. M mo her a orking, hen he co ld find an kind of job. In Lan ing, here a a baker here, for a nickel, a co ple of children o ld b a all flo r ack of da -old bread and cookie , and hen alk he o mile back o in o he co n r o o r

ho e. O r mo her kne , I g e , do en of a o cook hing i h bread and o of bread. S e ed oma oe i h bread, ma be ha o ld be a meal. Some hing like French oa , if e had an egg . Bread p dding, ome ime i h rai in in i . If e go hold of ome hamb rger, i came o he able more bread han mea . The cookie ha ere al a in he ack i h he bread, e j gobbled do n raigh . B here ere ime hen here a n' e en a nickel and e o ld be o h ngr e ere di . M mo her o ld boil a big po of dandelion green , and e o ld ea ha . I remember ha ome mall-minded neighbor p i o , and children o ld ea e , ha e a e "fried

gra ." Some ime , if e ere l ck , e o ld ha e oa meal or cornmeal m h hree ime a da . Or m h in he morning and cornbread a nigh . Philber and I ere gro n p eno gh o q i figh ing long eno gh o ake he .22 caliber rifle ha had been o r fa her' , and hoo rabbi ha ome hi e neighbor p or do n he road o ld b . I kno no ha he j did i o help , beca e he , like e er one, ho heir

o n rabbi . Some ime , I remember, Philber and I o ld ake li le Reginald along i h . He a n' er rong, b he a al a o pro d o be along. We o ld rap m kra o

in he li le creek in back of o r ho e. And e o ld lie q ie n il n pec ing b llfrog appeared, and e o ld pear hem, c off heir leg , and ell hem for a nickel a pair o people ho li ed p and do n he road. The hi e eemed le re ric ed in heir die ar a e .

Then, abo in la e 1934, I o ld g e , ome hing began o happen. Some kind of p chological de eriora ion hi o r famil circle and began o ea a a o r pride. Perhap i

a he con an angible e idence ha e ere de i e. We had kno n o her familie ho had gone on relief. We had kno n i ho an one in o r home e er e pre ing i ha e had fel pro der no o be a he depo here he free food a pa ed o . And, no , e ere among hem. A chool, he "on relief" finger ddenl a poin ed a , oo, and ome ime i

a aid alo d. I eemed ha e er hing o ea in o r ho e a amped No To Be Sold. All Welfare food bore hi amp o keep he recipien from elling i . I ' a onder e didn' come o hink of No To Be Sold a a brand name. Some ime , in ead of going home from chool, I alked he o mile p he road in o Lan ing. I began drif ing from ore o ore, hanging aro nd o ide here hing like apple

ere di pla ed in bo e and barrel and ba ke , and I o ld a ch m chance and eal me a rea . Yo kno ha a rea a o me? An hing!

Or I began o drop in abo dinner ime a he home of ome famil ha e kne . I kne ha he kne e ac l h I a here, b he ne er embarra ed me b le ing on. The o ld

in i e me o a for pper, and I o ld ff m elf.

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E peciall , I liked o drop in and i i a he Gohanna e ' home. The ere nice, older people, and grea ch rchgoer . I had a ched hem lead he j mping and ho ing hen m fa her preached. The had, li ing i h hem - he ere rai ing him -a nephe hom e er one called "Big Bo ," and he and I go along fine. Al o li ing i h he Gohanna e a old Mr . Adcock,

ho en i h hem o ch rch. She a al a r ing o help an bod he co ld, i i ing an one he heard a ick, carr ing hem ome hing. She a he one ho, ear la er, o ld ell

me ome hing ha I remembered a long ime: "Malcolm, here' one hing I like abo o . Yo 're no good, b o don' r o hide i . Yo are no a h pocri e." The more I began o a a a from home and i i people and eal from he ore , he more aggre i e I became in m inclina ion . I ne er an ed o ai for an hing. I a gro ing p fa , ph icall more o han men all . A I began o be recogni ed more aro nd he o n, I ar ed o become a are of he pec liar a i de of hi e people o ard me. I en ed ha i had o do i h m fa her. I a an ad l er ion of ha e eral hi e children had aid a chool, in hin , or ome ime in he open, hich reall e pre ed ha heir paren had aid - ha he Black Legion or he Klan had killed m fa her, and he in rance compan had p lled a fa one in ref ing o pa m mo her he polic mone . When I began o ge ca gh ealing no and hen, he a e Welfare people began o foc on me hen he came o o r ho e. I can' remember ho I fir became a are ha he ere alking of aking me a a . Wha I fir remember along ha line a m mo her rai ing a orm abo being able o bring p her o n children. She o ld hip me for ealing, and I o ld r o alarm he neighborhood i h m elling. One hing I ha e al a been pro d of i

ha I ne er rai ed m hand again m mo her. In he mmer ime, a nigh , in addi ion o all he o her hing e did, ome of bo o ld lip o do n he road, or acro he pa re , and go "cooning" a ermelon . Whi e people

al a a ocia ed a ermelon i h Negroe , and he ome ime called Negroe "coon " among all he o her name , and o ealing a ermelon became "cooning" hem. If hi e bo

ere doing i , i implied ha he ere onl ac ing like Negroe . Whi e ha e al a hidden or j ified all of he g il he co ld b ridic ling or blaming Negroe . One Hallo een nigh , I remember ha a b nch of ere o ipping o er ho e old co n r o ho e , and one old farmer -I g e he had ipped o er eno gh in hi da -had e a rap for

. Al a , o neak p from behind he o ho e, hen o gang oge her and p h i , o ip i o er. Thi farmer had aken hi o ho e off he hole, and e i j in front of he hole. Well, e came neaking p in ingle file, in he darkne , and he o hi e bo in he lead fell do n in o he o ho e hole

neck deep. The melled o bad i a all e co ld and o ge hem o , and ha fini hed all for ha Hallo een. I had j mi ed falling in m elf. The hi e ere o ed o aking he lead, hi ime i had reall go en hem in he hole. Th , in ario a , I learned ario hing . I picked ra berrie , and ho gh I can' recall

ha I go per cra e for picking, I remember ha af er orking hard all one da , I o nd p i h abo a dollar, hich a a hole lo of mone in ho e ime . I a o h ngr , I didn'

kno ha o do. I a alking a a o ard o n i h i ion of b ing ome hing good o ea , and hi older hi e bo I kne , Richard Di on, came p and a ked me if I an ed o ma ch nickel . He had plen of change for m dollar. In abo a half ho r, he had all he

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change back, incl ding m dollar, and in ead of going o o n o b ome hing, I en home i h no hing, and I a bi er. B ha a no hing compared o ha I fel hen I fo nd o

la er ha he had chea ed. There i a a ha o can ca ch and hold he nickel and make i come p he a o an . Thi a m fir le on abo gambling: if o ee omebod

inning all he ime, he i n' gambling, he' chea ing. La er on in life, if I ere con in o l lo ing in an gambling i a ion, I o ld a ch er clo el . I ' like he Negro in America eeing he hi e man in all he ime. He' a profe ional gambler; he ha all he card and he

odd acked on hi ide, and he ha al a deal o o r people from he bo om of he deck. Abo hi ime, m mo her began o be i i ed b ome Se en h Da Ad en i ho had mo ed in o a ho e no oo far do n he road from . The o ld alk o her for ho r a a ime, and lea e bookle and leafle and maga ine for her o read. She read hem, and

Wilfred, ho had ar ed back o chool af er e had beg n o ge he relief food pplie , al o read a lo . Hi head a fore er in ome book. Before long, m mo her pen m ch ime i h he Ad en i . I ' m belief ha ha mo l infl enced her a ha he had e en more die re ric ion han he al a had a gh and prac iced i h . Like , he ere again ea ing rabbi and pork; he follo ed he Mo aic die ar la . The a e no hing of he fle h i ho a pli hoof, or ha didn' che a c d. We began o go i h m mo her o he Ad en i mee ing ha ere held f r her o in he co n r . For children, I kno ha he major a rac ion a he good food he er ed. B

e li ened, oo. There ere a handf l of Negroe , from mall o n in he area, b I o ld a ha i a nine -nine percen hi e people. The Ad en i fel ha e ere li ing a he

end of ime, ha he orld oon a coming o an end. B he ere he friendlie hi e people I had e er een. In ome a , ho gh, e children no iced, and, hen e ere back a home, di c ed, ha he ere differen from - ch a he lack of eno gh ea oning in heir food, and he differen a ha hi e people melled. Mean hile, he a e Welfare people kep af er m mo her. B no , he didn' make i an ecre ha he ha ed hem, and didn' an hem in her ho e. B he e er ed heir righ o

come, and I ha e man , man ime reflec ed pon ho , alking o children, he began o plan he eed of di i ion in o r mind . The o ld a k ch hing a ho a mar er han he o her. And he o ld a k me h I a " o differen ."

I hink he fel ha ge ing children in o fo er home a a legi ima e par of heir f nc ion, and he re l o ld be le ro ble ome, ho e er he en abo i . And hen m mo her fo gh hem, he en af er her -fir , hro gh me. I a he fir arge . I ole; ha implied ha I a n' being aken care of b m mo her. All of ere mi chie o a ome ime or ano her, I more o han an of he re . Philber and I kep a ba le going. And hi a j one of a do en hing ha kep b ilding p he pre re on m mo her. I'm no re j ho or hen he idea a fir dropped b he Welfare orker ha o r mo her a lo ing her mind. B I can di inc l remember hearing "cra " applied o her b hem hen he learned ha he Negro farmer ho a in he ne ho e do n he road from had offered o gi e

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ome b chered pork -a hole pig, ma be e en o of hem -and he had ref ed. We all heard hem call m mo her "cra " o her face for ref ing good mea . I mean no hing o hem e en hen he e plained ha e had ne er ea en pork, ha i a again her religion a a Se en h

Da Ad en i . The ere a icio a l re . The had no feeling , nder anding, compa ion, or re pec for m mo her. The old , "She' cra for ref ing food." Righ hen a hen o r home, o r ni , began o di in egra e. We ere ha ing a hard ime, and I a n' helping. B e co ld ha e made i , e co ld ha e a ed oge her. A bad a I a , a m ch ro ble and orr a I ca ed m mo her, I lo ed her. The a e people, e fo nd o , had in er ie ed he Gohanna famil , and he Gohanna e had aid ha he o ld ake me in o heir home. M mo her hre a fi , ho gh, hen he heard ha -and he home recker ook co er for a hile.

I a abo hi ime ha he large, dark man from Lan ing began i i ing. I don' remember ho or here he and m mo her me . I ma ha e been hro gh ome m al friend . I don' remember ha he man' profe ion a . In 1935, in Lan ing, Negroe didn' ha e an hing

o co ld call a profe ion. B he man, big and black, looked ome hing like m fa her. I can remember hi name, b here' no need o men ion i . He a a ingle man, and m mo her

a a ido onl hir - i ear old. The man a independen ; na rall he admired ha . She a ha ing a hard ime di ciplining , and a big man' pre ence alone o ld help. And if he had a man o pro ide, i o ld end he a e people a a fore er.

We all nder ood i ho e er a ing m ch abo i . Or a lea e had no objec ion. We ook i in ride, e en i h ome am emen among , ha hen he man came, o r mo her o ld be all dre ed p in he be ha he had - he ill a a good-looking oman -and he o ld ac differen l , ligh -hear ed and la ghing, a e hadn' een her ac in ear . I en on for abo a ear, I g e . And hen, abo 1936, or 1937, he man from Lan ing jil ed m mo her ddenl . He j opped coming o ee her. From ha I la er nder ood, he finall backed a a from aking on he re pon ibili of ho e eigh mo h o feed. He a afraid of o man of . To hi da , I can ee he rap ha Mo her

a in, addled i h all of . And I can al o nder and h he o ld h n aking on ch a remendo re pon ibili .

B i a a errible hock o her. I a he beginning of he end of reali for m mo her. When he began o i aro nd and alk aro nd alking o her elf -almo a ho gh he a

na are ha e ere here -i became increa ingl errif ing. The a e people a her eakening. Tha a hen he began he defini e ep o ake me a a from home. The began o ell me ho nice i a going o be a he Gohanna e ' home,

here he Gohanna e and Big Bo and Mr . Adcock had all aid ho m ch he liked me, and o ld like o ha e me li e i h hem.

I liked all of hem, oo. B I didn' an o lea e Wilfred. I looked p o and admired m big bro her. I didn' an o lea e Hilda, ho a like m econd mo her. Or Philber ; e en in o r figh ing, here a a feeling of bro herl nion. Or Reginald, e peciall , ho a eak i h hi hernia condi ion, and ho looked p o me a hi big bro her ho looked o for him, a I looked p o Wilfred. And I had no hing, ei her, again he babie , Y onne, We le , and Rober .

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A m mo her alked o her elf more and more, he grad all became le re pon i e o . And le re pon ible. The ho e became le id . We began o be more nkemp . And all , no , Hilda cooked. We children a ched o r anchor gi ing a . I a ome hing errible ha o co ldn' ge

o r hand on, e o co ldn' ge a a from. I a a en ing ha ome hing bad a going o happen. We o nger one leaned more and more hea il on he rela i e reng h of Wilfred

and Hilda, ho ere he olde . When finall I a en o he Gohanna e ' home, a lea in a rface a I a glad. I remember ha hen I lef home i h he a e man, m mo her aid one hing: "Don' le hem feed him an pig." I a be er, in a lo of a , a he Gohanna '. Big Bo and I hared hi room oge her, and e hi i off nicel . He j a n' he ame a m blood bro her . The Gohanna e ere er religio people. Big Bo and I

a ended ch rch i h hem. The ere anc ified Hol Roller no . The preacher and congrega ion j mped e en higher and ho ed e en lo der han he Bap i I had kno n. The ang a he op of heir l ng , and a ed back and for h and cried and moaned and bea on ambo rine and chan ed. I a pook , i h gho and piri al and "ha'n " eeming o be in he er a mo phere hen finall e all came o of he ch rch, going back home. The Gohanna e and Mr . Adcock lo ed o go fi hing, and ome Sa rda Big Bo and I o ld go along. I had changed chool no , o Lan ing' We J nior High School. I a righ in he hear of he Negro comm ni , and a fe hi e kid ere here, b Big Bo didn' mi m ch

i h an of o r choolma e , and I didn' ei her. And hen e en fi hing, nei her he nor I liked he idea of j i ing and ai ing for he fi h o jerk he cork nder he a er -or make he igh line q i er, hen e fi hed ha a . I fig red here ho ld be ome mar er a o

ge he fi h - ho gh e ne er di co ered ha i migh be. Mr. Gohanna a clo e cronie i h ome o her men ho, ome Sa rda , o ld ake me and Big Bo i h hem h n ing rabbi . I had m fa her' .22 caliber rifle; m mo her had aid i a all righ for me o ake i i h me. The old men had a e rabbi -h n ing ra eg ha he had al a ed. U all hen a dog j mp a rabbi , and he rabbi ge a a , ha rabbi ill al a omeho in inc i el r n in a circle and re rn ooner or la er pa he er po here he originall a j mped. Well, he old men o ld j i and ai in hiding ome here

for he rabbi o come back, hen ge heir ho a him. I go o hinking abo i , and finall I ho gh of a plan. I o ld epara e from hem and Big Bo and I o ld go o a poin here I

fig red ha he rabbi , re rning, o ld ha e o pa me fir . I orked like magic. I began o ge hree and fo r rabbi before he go one. The a oni hing hing a ha none of he old men e er fig red o h . The o did hem el e e claiming ha a re ho I a . I a abo el e, hen. All I had

done a o impro e on heir ra eg , and i a he beginning of a er impor an le on in life - ha an ime o find omeone more cce f l han o are, e peciall hen o 're bo h engaged in he ame b ine - o kno he 're doing ome hing ha o aren' . I o ld re rn home o i i fairl of en. Some ime Big Bo and one or ano her, or bo h, of he Gohanna e o ld go i h me - ome ime no . I o ld be glad hen ome of hem did go, beca e i made he ordeal ea ier.

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Soon he a e people ere making plan o ake o er all of m mo her' children. She alked o her elf nearl all of he ime no , and here a a cro d of ne hi e people en ering he pic re -al a a king q e ion . The o ld e en i i me a he Gohanna '. The o ld a k me q e ion o on he porch, or i ing o in heir car . E en all m mo her ffered a comple e breakdo n, and he co r order ere finall igned. The ook her o he S a e Men al Ho pi al a Kalama oo.

I a e en - ome mile from Lan ing, abo an ho r and a half on he b . A J dge McClellan in Lan ing had a hori o er me and all of m bro her and i er . We ere " a e children," co r ard ; he had he f ll a - o o er . A hi e man in charge of a black man' children! No hing b legal, modern la er -ho e er kindl in en ioned. M mo her remained in he ame ho pi al a Kalama oo for abo en - i ear . La er,

hen I a ill gro ing p in Michigan, I o ld go o i i her e er o of en. No hing ha I can imagine co ld ha e mo ed me a deepl a eeing her pi if l a e. In 1963, e go m mo her o of he ho pi al, and he no li e here in Lan ing i h Philber and hi famil . I a o m ch or e han if i had been a ph ical ickne , for hich a ca e migh be kno n, medicine gi en, a c re effec ed. E er ime I i i ed her, hen finall he led her -a ca e, a n mber -back in ide from here e had been i ing oge her, I fel or e. M la i i , hen I kne I o ld ne er come o ee her again - here - a in 1952. I a

en - e en. M bro her Philber had old me ha on hi la i i , he had recogni ed him ome ha . "In po ," he aid. B he didn' recogni e me a all. She ared a me. She didn' kno ho I a . Her mind, hen I ried o alk, o reach her, a ome here el e. I a ked, "Mama, do o kno

ha da i i ?" She aid, aring, "All he people ha e gone." I can' de cribe ho I fel . The oman ho had bro gh me in o he orld, and n r ed me, and ad i ed me, and cha i ed me, and lo ed me, didn' kno me. I a a if I a r ing o alk

p he ide of a hill of fea her . I looked a her. I li ened o her " alk." B here a no hing I co ld do. I r l belie e ha if e er a a e ocial agenc de ro ed a famil , i de ro ed o r . We an ed and ried o a oge her. O r home didn' ha e o be de ro ed. B he Welfare, he co r , and heir doc or, ga e he one- o- hree p nch. And o r a no he onl ca e of hi kind. I kne I o ldn' be back o ee m mo her again beca e i co ld make me a er icio and dangero per on -kno ing ho he had looked a a n mber and a a ca e in heir book, no a h man being . And kno ing ha m mo her in here a a a i ic ha didn' ha e o be, ha e i ed beca e of a ocie ' fail re, h pocri , greed, and lack of merc and compa ion. Hence I ha e no merc or compa ion in me for a ocie ha ill cr h people, and hen penali e hem for no being able o and p nder he eigh . I ha e rarel alked o an one abo m mo her, for I belie e ha I am capable of killing a per on, i ho he i a ion, ho happened o make he rong kind of remark abo m mo her. So I p rpo el don' make an opening for ome fool o ep in o.

9/9/2020 Cha e 1: Nigh a e Ale a de S ee

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Back hen hen o r famil a de ro ed, in 1937, Wilfred and Hilda ere old eno gh o ha he a e le hem a on heir o n in he big fo r-room ho e ha m fa her had b il .

Philber a placed i h ano her famil in Lan ing, a Mr . Hacke , hile Reginald and We le en o li e i h a famil called William , ho ere friend of m mo her' . And Y onne and

Rober en o li e i h a We Indian famil named McG ire. Separa ed ho gh e ere, all of main ained fairl clo e o ch aro nd Lan ing -in chool and o - hene er e co ld ge oge her. De pi e he ar ificiall crea ed epara ion and di ance be een , e ill remained er clo e in o r feeling o ard each o her.