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Communicating for Success, 2nd Edition by Cheryl Hamilton, Bonnie Creel and Tony Kroll

Reprinted for Personal Account, Purdue University Global

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Chapter 7: Managing Interpersonal Relationships and Conflict

Overview

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

7.1 What are the five stages of relationship development and the five stages of relationship deterioration?

7.2 What is the definition of conflict, what are several conflict escalators to avoid, and what theory explains why conflict often results from email messages?

7.3 What are the four styles that people use in managing conflict, what is the main focus of each style, and what are some suggested ways to communicate assertively?

7.4 What are several possible outcomes to conflict, and which outcomes usually result from the passive, aggressive, passive- aggressive, and assertive conflict styles?

7.5 What information and skills covered in this chapter relate specifically to your career?

AFTER STUDYING THIS CHAPTER, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO …

Evaluate your relationships to determine which stage of development or deterioration is involved and make changes for improvement as needed.

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Identify any conflict escalators present in your relationships and minimize their effects as well as assess your conflict style for handling them.

Communicate assertively by using confirming messages and improve the resolution of conflict in your relationships by using the win-win outcome.

Manage relationships and conflict in a flexible manner, depending on the people and issues involved.

Credit: Shutterstock.com/2shrimpS.

Figure 7.1

Introduction

As you read in this chapter about the specific stages of relationship development and deterioration and ways to manage conflict in relationships, see how many specific communication goals and tips you can find to help improve your own relationships. Of course, each relationship is unique, and no description of a "typical" relationship can cover all situations. However, you will hopefully recognize enough of yourself and your relational experiences within these pages to help you succeed in your current and future relationships.

Before you apply Chapter 7 concepts to your own life, see if you can apply them to the Technology Committee chair and members in our Unit II Scenario. Look for specific questions to answer in the margins at various spots throughout the chapter. Refer to the scenario on page 160 to refresh your memory as needed. Be prepared to share your answers with one or more classmates.

Relationship Stages

Technology has changed the way relationships occur in today's world. Although most relationships still develop face-to-face, strong relationships and even romantic relationships are also formed online. Cacioppo and his colleagues at the University of Chicago found that one-third of marriages in America now begin online (Cacioppo et al., 2013). The study, which included more than 19,000 participants, also found that the relationships that started online were less likely to end in separation or divorce. The couples in those relationships were also more satisfied with their relationship. A study from the Pew Research Center has

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found that 15 percent of American adults have used online dating sites or mobile dating apps (Smith, 2016). The study highlights two segments of the population with especially significant increases in the use of dating sites. Users in the youngest age group, 18- to 24-year-olds, have increase from 10 percent to 27 percent in the past three years, and users between 55 and 64 years of age have increased from 6 percent to 12 percent.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE

7.1 What are the five stages of relationship development and the five stages of relationship deterioration?

Regardless of whether your relationships occur face-to-face or online, if they are high-quality relationships, they do not just happen overnight. Instead they develop, are maintained, and sometimes deteriorate through a series of predictable stages that may take several months or last a lifetime. One of the most influential models of relationship stages was proposed by interpersonal scholar Mark Knapp and his colleagues (Knapp et al., 2014b). Knapp's model is especially applicable to intimate relationships, such as those you enjoy with close friends or romantic partners. As we mentioned in Chapter 6, intimacy refers to the closeness in a relationship that is achieved by the mutual sharing of intellectual, emotional, or physical aspects of oneself.

Although Knapp's model can be used to analyze different types of relationships, please note that this model doesn't work well for analyzing family relationships. Although you may have achieved fairly high levels of intimacy with one or more members of your family of origin, those relationships differ from friendships and romantic relationships in ways that are significant enough to make Knapp's model unsuitable. For example, you choose your friendships and romantic relationships, but you did not choose your family. It is also true that most close relationships require you to disclose the pivotal moments in your life; however, less discussion is needed when you are communicating with family members who were part of those moments. For these and many other reasons, relationships with family cannot be viewed through the same lens you use to examine your other intimate relationships.

Knapp's model consists of ten stages, five of which are descriptive of the way people "come together," and five of which illustrate how relationships "come apart" (see Figure 7.2). Movement through the stages does not always follow a straight line. At any point, people may choose to retreat to a previous stage as they wrestle with how to define the relationship, or they may stabilize at that point for a short period of time or forever. Understanding each stage that relationships go through as they develop and deteriorate can help us manage our own relationships.

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Credit: Figure based on content from Knapp et al. (2014b, Table 2.1, p. 34).

Figure 7.2: Stages of relationship development and deterioration

STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT

Think of a fairly new relationship you are in at the moment. Whether this relationship involves a friend or colleague, or is of a more intimate nature, it is likely to be in one of the following stages:

INITIATING STAGE The initiating stage, as the name suggests, is the beginning of a relationship. This stage is very brief, lasting only long enough for the parties to form a quick first impression of each other, to determine if additional communication is desired by both, and to assess how best to move forward. You may have been thrown together through circumstance, or you may have identified the other person as someone you would like to get to know. In either case, your goals for this stage are fairly simple: You wish to convey to the other person that you are likable, approachable, and available for communication; and you seek to determine if the feeling is mutual. Although the initiating stage may be brief, it creates a high level of anxiety for many of us—especially when it comes to verbal conversation openers (see Chapter 6 for suggestions). Your nonverbal communication is likely to include extending your hand to be shaken, engaging in eye contact, and maintaining a smile or pleasant expression on your face. At the same time, you will be monitoring the other's verbal and nonverbal responses, especially noting any indication that something you have done has not been well received. For example, if the other person backs off slightly, this may signal that you have invaded his or her personal space.

EXPERIMENTING STAGE The experimenting stage is the point at which you float conversational trial balloons on low-risk topics in search of areas of mutual interest. You engage in "small talk," an act that may seem superficial but is, in fact, a necessary and valuable communication skill. Effective self-disclosure should be gradual; this is not the stage during which revelation of one's deepest, darkest secrets is appropriate. Low-risk facts and opinions are called for here, as you are only now entering the outer layer of the model of social penetration discussed in Chapter 6. If the responses you receive to new trial topics are monosyllabic with no reciprocation, you are likely to decide that this is a relationship that is going nowhere, and you will move to terminate it: "So, do you come here often?" "No." "So, where do you usually spend your Saturday nights?" "Different places." "Like where?" "It depends." "I see. Well, it's been nice talking to you. I just spotted someone I need to talk to.

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Have a good evening."

UNIT II SCENARIO

Question #4

Which relationship stage best defines Joshua and Galina at this moment in their relationship? How would Joshua describe the stage he thinks he in? How would Galina describe the stage she thinks she in? Give examples to support your opinions.

In the above example, no sort of true relationship was formed. However, when two people participate in small talk, both answering and asking questions, a type of relationship is created: you are developing acquaintances. In your lifetime, you will likely cultivate a great many acquaintances. Some may eventually become more deeply interpersonal, but even when they go no further—and most will not—these relationships are important in helping you get your inclusion needs met. For example, hearing your name called as you walk between buildings on campus gives you a sense of belonging. See the Spotlight on feature near the end of this chapter to see the role that acquaintances play in employee satisfaction and retention.

INTENSIFYING STAGE A relationship begins to become truly interpersonal in the intensifying stage, as your communication moves toward greater depth and breadth. Whether the relationship is one that is likely to become a close friendship or one that has romantic possibilities, this is the most exciting time in relational development. Indeed, you feel exhilaration as you explore the ways in which you are both similar and complementary, build trust through self-disclosure, share stories of your past, and build new experiences that will become stories in the future. In fact, some people are prone to cycle through relationships, discarding old ones and forming new ones over and over again, because they are addicted to the euphoric feelings that are characteristic of the intensifying stage.

Your verbal communication in this stage features meta-communication, which is communication about communication. In other words, you begin to talk explicitly about the relationship and the behaviors exhibited by each other that are especially admired or appreciated in such comments as, "Thanks for listening to me without judging." You may also attempt to define the relationship, sometimes by discussing it directly and sometimes in a statement you make to someone else in your partner's presence, such as, "Hey, Nathan. I want you to meet my girlfriend, Mara."

Your nonverbal behaviors provide additional evidence that this relationship is much more intensely interpersonal than most (Guerrero & Anderson, 1991). Touch, for example, increases dramatically. Affection is expressed in a variety of ways. You no longer wait until you happen to bump into each other; you arrange times to be together. You are likely to take great care with your personal appearance, trying to look your best anytime you are with your friend or partner, and especially when you are going to be around the other's family or special friends. Knapp notes that in this stage you also express affection by doing favors for the other and by exchanging "intimacy trophies," which include objects that convey to the other that you were thinking of him or her even when you were apart. You might say, "I saw this, and it made me think of you."

Credit: Shutterstock.com/adriaticfoto.

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Figure 7.3: Intimacy trophies show you were thinking of the other person

INTEGRATING STAGE In the integrating stage, partners truly do come together. Others regard you as a social unit. If someone encounters you alone, they may ask, "Where's …?" Your social circles merge, as each of you forms secondary relationships with the people who matter to the other. There are many nonverbal behaviors that occur in this stage. For example, if your partner finds one of your friends objectionable, you will likely reduce the amount of time spent with that person. In addition, you may find yourself taking on characteristics of the other person—one of the most striking aspect of this stage (Knee et al., 2003). You may also find yourself adopting the speech habits of your partner, including inflectional patterns, verbal expressions, and stock phrases. Another behavior of the integrating stage occurs when you develop routines that allow you to spend almost every moment together when not at work or school or with your family. You call each other frequently just to "check in" and catch up on what may have happened to the other in the two hours since your last call.

There are also many verbal behaviors that occur in this stage as well. The pronouns I, you, my, and your are replaced by we, us, and our. This is noticeable when someone asks you what you are doing this weekend, and your response is, "We are going to …" Similarly, common property is claimed, as you are likely to ask, "Where is our car parked?" even though the car was the other person's long before you met. Although this language usage began to develop in the intensifying stage, it is solidly established now. It really isn't an overstatement to say that in the integrating stage of relational development, you become a different person from what you were. You may give up some interests if they are not shared by your partner—you used to love the theater, but now you haven't seen a play in ages. At the same time, you develop enthusiasm for one of your partner's interests, despite the fact that prior to meeting him/her you knew nearly nothing about it. For example, you couldn't have identified the favorite team's colors before, but now you know the team's three-deep roster. Think back to one or more relationships that attained this level of intimacy, and you will probably see that those relationships may have been some of the most significant factors in shaping who you have become up to this point.

BONDING STAGE You enter the bonding stage when you make a formal public statement of commitment to the relationship. Once this formal public statement is made, dissolving the relationship becomes more complicated, partly due to legal and/or religious sanctions. On the other hand, marriages and commitment ceremonies provide greater incentive for the partners to work to make the relationship successful. That "little piece of paper" seems to make partners feel more secure. Although they probably don't verbalize it, prior to the marriage or commitment ceremony partners are aware that any disagreement could result in the end of the relationship. As one woman put it, "I always felt that he had one foot out the door." Of course, even after marriage or a commitment ceremony, spouses and partners can and do leave. But most people who take their vows seriously are more willing to stay and work it out than they might have been before. As a result, they feel safer to disagree and to stand up for their own needs, knowing that a few arguments are unlikely to permanently affect the relationship.

Another change that occurs in the bonding stage relates to expectations. Behaviors that were once tolerated may now be regarded as disrespectful to the relationship. For example, before marriage or a commitment ceremony, if one cohabiting partner liked to spend a couple of nights a week hanging out with friends, the other partner typically felt reluctant to object. However, after the marriage or commitment ceremony, the partner is likely to interpret spending time with friends without their being present as a preference for the friend—something that is no longer acceptable unless such instances are reduced significantly.

APPLY WHAT YOU KNOW: STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT

To apply what you know about the stages that relationships go through as they develop (the initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding stages) answer these critical thinking questions:

Think of one of the many relationships that you have developed since becoming an adult (preferably a relationship that has now ended but that you don't mind talking about) and briefly describe the various development stages that you experienced.

What did you learn from this development experience that has helped you with later relationships?

STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP DETERIORATION

It would be nice to be able to say about a relationship that "they lived happily ever after," but we all know that relationships sometimes do come apart. The intensity with which relationships begin to deteriorate depends upon many factors, including the stage at which the dissolution begins. If a relationship has not progressed past the experimenting stage, the decision to discontinue is accomplished by merely avoiding contact with the other person. However, once a relationship has advanced to the integrating or bonding stage, dissolution often begins with significant conflict and advances through several stages of deterioration that include differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating.

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DIFFERENTIATING STAGE The differentiating stage resembles the integrating stage in that communication involves high levels of self-disclosure and expression of deeply held feelings. However, while feelings about the relationship in the integrating stage were mostly positive, those in the differentiating stage become more negative. Instead of centering on how the partners are a unit and are similar to each other, differentiating communication focuses on their individuality and their differences. Points of incompatibility assume great significance, and the conflicts that emerge in negotiating these tensions are seen as threatening to the relationship. The desire for connection that marked the fusing of personalities in the integrating phase is replaced by the need for autonomy.

In the differentiating stage, verbal messages are used to criticize the partner and reinforce perceptions of difference: "I don't know how you could think that. I don't see it that way at all." "Why would you do that? I would never do that." The personal pronouns shift from we to I and you. The "I" messages are used to assert one's needs, while the "you" messages are often accusatory or blaming. Nonverbal messages may run the gamut from hostile facial expressions and the withholding of touch to the "silent treatment."

The differentiating phase is undeniably scary. However, it may be a very healthy stage of development, particularly if one or both partners gave up too much of themselves to meet their needs for connection in the integrating phase. What is needed is an understanding of the partner's differences and the willingness to embrace them as opportunities to enhance the relationship. This requires superior communication and conflict management skills. If the couple can find ways to negotiate differences, the relationship can stabilize and even emerge stronger than before. However, if the conflicts cannot be resolved, the relationship will continue on a downward path.

CIRCUMSCRIBING STAGE In the circumscribing stage, the partners figuratively "draw a circle around" the topics that cannot be discussed. Experience has shown them that little is accomplished by continuing to bring up the topics that divided them in the differentiating stage. In order to avoid the overt conflict, touchy topics are placed "off limits." The partners seem to tacitly agree that "we won't talk about your lack of helpfulness around the house," "we won't talk about my overspending," and "we certainly won't talk about the relationship." Since the restraints placed on communication do not encourage the open expression of feelings or the renegotiation of needs, the relationship shrinks in intimacy; both breadth and depth are lost. Safe topics—those about which the partners agree—are still allowed, and these permit the partners to interact in public in ways that disguise the troubled relationship from others. The conflict is still there, but it has gone underground.

Restoring the relationship becomes more difficult in the circumscribing stage because of the constraints on communication. Often a third party may be required to help the partners reconnect. When this is successful, the couple may re-experience on a smaller scale some of the joy they experienced back in the intensifying phase. The key to achieving this sort of success is for the couple to learn how to communicate again and, eventually, how to address their conflicts in productive ways. If this is not accomplished, the relationship is likely to continue to decline.

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Figure 7.4

STAGNATING STAGE Couples in the stagnating stage settle into a communication pattern that allows little room for growth or movement in the relationship. The breadth and depth of their communication resembles interaction in the experimenting stage, as it focuses primarily on superficial topics, often centered on the minutiae of daily life: "Did you have a good day at work?" "We need to get a plumber in to look at that sink." "What time are we supposed to be at the Bowmans’ house?" Nonverbally, the partners express little enthusiasm for anything.

As we consider the stagnating stage it becomes apparent that the relational partners are surely not getting their inclusion, control, or openness needs met unless the needs are very low on all three dimensions. For that reason, it would be tempting to conclude that such a relationship will soon end. However, the reality is that, in many cases, the couple will stay in this stage indefinitely. In such cases, it is not unusual for one or both partners to turn to other people in order to meet their interpersonal needs. Extramarital affairs are an obvious case in point. However, there are other ways to accomplish the fulfillment of social needs. Some people turn to friends to serve as social companions or confidants. Others throw themselves into volunteer work or immerse themselves in the lives of their children or grandchildren. Sadly, there are also people who simply give up and endure.

AVOIDING STAGE While some people remain in the stagnation stage, others make the decision to head toward termination, going first through the avoiding stage. This is usually, although not always, a relatively brief stage. The goal is to limit the channels of communication so that face-to-face interaction is limited. Even telephone conversations may be avoided so that feelings aren't inadvertently "leaked" through paralanguage. Communication is more likely to take the form of written notes, text messages, or emails, and then only when it is necessary to communicate. When it is impossible to avoid face-to-face communication, the partners are likely to create psychological distance by eliminating eye contact and offering very concise messages and brief responses. There is obviously no depth left and minimal breadth.

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Credit: Shutterstock.com/oriontrai.

Figure 7.5: The final stage of relationship deterioration involves leave-taking

TERMINATING STAGE The terminating stage usually follows soon after avoiding is entered. The end of the relationship is generally accompanied by some sort of leave-taking statement. Sometimes, those statements take the form of an expression of sadness that the relationship has run its course. In other cases, the statement may reflect residual hostility toward the partner. It is always painful when relationships end, but there are some relationships that probably should end. Even superior communication and conflict management skills do not guarantee that a relationship can be rescued. Even when termination is the only rational decision, the end of a relationship is accompanied by grief. You may wonder if it is possible to start over and attempt to "do it right this time." Sometimes it is possible. If both parties take time to examine the reasons for the relational decline, and if both parties are willing to own up to their own complicity, sufficient personal growth can be achieved to justify making another try. However, keep in mind that since communication is irreversible, all of the experiences you shared the first time are now part of each partner's frame of reference. Everything that happened in the past remains a part of your memory, even if you decide to move on to a new relationship.

As previously noted, movement among the stages of development and deterioration does not always proceed in a straight line. Although we may move back and forth between stages, generally speaking, we do not skip stages. To attempt to do so leaves

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important relational work undone. Propelling a relationship prematurely to bonding, for example, may result in an almost immediate flurry of differentiating. You wake up in the morning and wonder, "Who is this person lying beside me?" You have good reason to wonder, as you did not take the opportunity to use the intensifying and integrating stages to gauge whether there was sufficient compatibility to support a committed relationship. Even the stagnating phase accomplishes necessary work to allow termination to be experienced as an appropriate choice.

APPLY WHAT YOU KNOW: STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP DETERIORATION

Apply what you know about the stages that relationships go through as they deteriorate (the differentiating, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and terminating stages) answer these questions:

Take the relationship you described earlier (the one that has ended) or a different relationship if you prefer and briefly describe the various deterioration stages that you experienced.

What did you learn from this deterioration experience that has helped you with later relationships?

Relationships and Conflict

Few things in this world can be asserted with absolute certainty, but one of those is this: People are different from each other. When you think about it, the fact that some relationships last a long time is more amazing than that most do not. Human beings are complicated creatures, and bringing two of them together increases those complications exponentially. We are all a mixture of needs—often contradictory and seldom easy to reconcile even within ourselves. It should not be surprising that conflict with another person is a common experience for all of us.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE

7.2 What is the definition of conflict, what are several conflict escalators to avoid, and what theory explains why conflict often results from email messages?

Although conflict in interpersonal relationships is inevitable, conflict resolution in work and personal relationships is possible. Conflict resolution is a skill that begins with understanding what conflict is and what may cause it to escalate perhaps out of control.

CONFLICT DEFINED

Conflict is an "expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals" (Hocker & Wilmot, 2018, p. 3). According to this definition, in order for conflict to exist, it must be expressed. The anger you feel toward your close friend who chooses to spend time with a new romantic interest instead of with you is not conflict unless you express it. You may experience internal conflict, expressing your feelings intrapersonally as you sort out reward/cost ratios and dialectical tensions, but it is not relational conflict unless your friend is also aware of your feelings.

CONFLICT ESCALATORS

The definition of conflict provides us with a basis for understanding the sources of conflict escalation, which include unfulfilled needs, faulty attributions, and assigning cause or fault to others’ behaviors.

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Credit: Shutterstock.com/SFIOCRACHO.

Figure 7.6: Conflict is inevitable; conflict resolution is possible with skills

UNFULFILLED NEEDS As we learned in Chapter 6, each party in a relationship has varying needs for inclusion, control, and openness. Those needs are complicated by the dialectic tension created by each person's contradictory needs for connection/autonomy, openness/privacy, and stability/change. The management and negotiation of needs is the most important relational work we do in the intensifying and integrating phases of a relationship, which is why it is unwise to rush through those stages.

As we struggle to achieve compatibility, we may consciously or unconsciously mask an important need. For example, you might be more affectionate than you would prefer in order to meet the affection needs of your partner. Or you subordinate your need for control because the other person requires dominance. It is almost certain that, at some point, you will find it necessary to assert your unfulfilled needs, which could throw the relationship off-balance. This is often what is occurring in the differentiating stage. Honest communication about your needs in the early stages of your relationship should assure that healthy differentiating can be achieved. So, beware of your and your partner's unfulfilled needs—they are conflict escalators. Don't wait; deal with them today.

FAULTY ATTRIBUTIONS (PERCEPTION) As we discussed in Chapter 2, attribution refers to how we explain the events in our lives. Our sense is that we can better control what happens in our future if we understand the cause-effect relationships in our past. When we observe another's behavior, a key question we ask is: "To what should I attribute that behavior?" Consider the following example:

Your roommate comes home, slams his books on the desk, opens the refrigerator door and slams it shut as well. You wonder what could have caused those actions. You search through your store of knowledge to arrive at a possible explanation. "Let's see. He had a major exam in calculus today; perhaps he didn't do so well. He was on the phone with his girlfriend until late last night, and, from the sound of his voice, things aren't going well there. Or maybe he is mad at me because there isn't anything in the refrigerator but a carton of outdated milk, and it was my turn to go to the store."

Each of your explanations is an attribution. Which one you settle on as the most likely will depend on a host of factors, including past experiences, your perception of your roommate, your self-concept, and any number of situational circumstances. Keep in mind that perceptions and attributions may be inaccurate; our perceptions are not always correct.

Let's extend this example further and see how perceptions and attributions can fan the flames of conflict. As the font increases, the conflict intensifies:

Let's assume that your roommate is a math major. Your stereotype of math majors leads you to think, "Math majors don't fail first semester calculus exams. Besides,"–you rationalize, committing a possible fundamental attribution error in the process–"if he failed the exam, it's his own fault for staying on the phone so long last night."

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You engage in projection, imposing your own values, beliefs, and attitudes on him and concluding that his having trouble with his girlfriend is really "no big deal; there are always other fish in the sea."

As you evaluate the possibility that your failure to go to the grocery store may be contributing to his distress, your self- serving bias is evoked. "I haven't had time," you tell yourself. "Besides, when it's his turn, he never goes on time."

However, your self-concept includes knowing that you are a bit of a procrastinator yourself, and you feel a trifle guilty about that. You figure that it is only a matter of time before he complains about the empty refrigerator.

You think about apologizing, but your hunch is that he will respond angrily anyway, so you decide, in your defensiveness, to launch a preemptive strike. "Why did you eat all the leftover pizza last night?" you shout. He glares at you. "I needed something to eat!" he shouts back. You were right! You knew he'd be angry and get loud. (Or was it self-fulfilling prophecy?)

The battle is on. Before the evening is over you have argued about everything from the empty refrigerator to whose girlfriend is a pain-inthe-neck.

When insignificant problems are managed poorly, they can escalate out of control into an argument about a whole range of issues unrelated to the original source of conflict. Often the wounds from these arguments never heal.

ASSIGNING FAULT (PUNCTUATION) Conflict isn't caused by just one person in the relationship: it takes "two to tango," in other words. The problem lies in how the participants assign cause or fault to each other's behaviors. We use punctuation when we assign cause and fault according to our perception of whose behavior is responsible and whose behavior is the natural result. To illustrate, consider Joe and Sally. Joe is a quiet sort of guy. Sally likes to talk about her feelings toward Joe, both positive and negative. Joe would rather not. When Sally persists, Joe gets quieter. Sally criticizes Joe for his lack of responsiveness. Conflict ensues, with the usual conversation going something like this:

Sally: "I am tired of how you never want to talk."

Joe: "I'm tired of how you always criticize me."

Sally: "I wouldn't have to criticize you if you would just talk to me."

Joe: "Well, maybe I'd talk to you more if you weren't always criticizing me."

Now suppose that Joe and Sally were given a few semi-colons and periods and were asked to punctuate this stream of words describing their conflict: Sally criticizes Joe shuts down Sally criticizes Joe shuts down Sally criticizes Joe shuts down Sally criticizes Joe. See Figure 7.7 (on the following page) for how Joe and Sally might differ in their punctuation of these words.

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Figure 7.7: How Joe and Sally would punctuate differently

As you can see, each attributes his or her behavior to the other. To Joe, it is Sally's criticism that causes him to be silent. To Sally, it is Joe's silence that drives her to criticize him. Each blames the other. Discrepancy in how they punctuate their stream of words has created an impasse.

Obviously, in a conflict like this, someone must make the first move toward reconciliation. However, doing so could represent capitulation and be unthinkable for the person whose dominant need is control; for the person whose primary need is affection, however, making the first move would not be a problem. As always in conflict situations, the negotiation of needs is required but definitely is not easy. So beware—punctuation that assigns fault whether used by you or your partner is a conflict escalator. Don't wait until it's too late; acknowledge and negotiate the problem today.

UNETHICAL BEHAVIOR No one likes to be deceived or manipulated. Conflict is sure to escalate in a relationship when deception and lying are involved. Researching the impact of deception on relationships, McCornack and Levine (1990, p. 131) found that "more than two-thirds of the subjects who reported that their relationship had terminated since the time that the lie was discovered reported that the discovery of the lie played a direct role in their decision to end the relationship." The researchers note that the more involved and intimate we become in a relationship, the more we expect that our partner will never lie to us. So uncovering a deception is an emotional shock that increases uncertainty, lowers trust, and increases conflict.

Another type of unethical behavior relates to gossip. Gossip that involves personal interest items about people serves an important role in the workplace: it's the grease that keeps the informal communication network (the grapevine) moving (March & Sevon, 1982; see also Waddington, 2012). Employees often find important information on the grapevine that the supervisor forgot to tell them, and, during a crisis, the grapevine is a fast way to dispense needed information. However, when gossip is negative or malicious and affects individuals, relationships, or company image, it becomes an ethical issue that leads to conflict. According to Savage (2008), when discussions become derogatory, we should politely excuse ourselves. She also recommends that personal finances and health issues are topics that should be avoided. Negative gossip about a person or company should also be avoided when online whether on your own personal site, a chat room, email, a blog, or a social networking site such as Facebook—used by 79 percent of online adults (Greenwood et al., 2016). So beware—unethical

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behavior involving deception or malicious gossip is sure to cause conflict in a relationship; it may even terminate it. Don't wait; take action to improve your deceptive behavior today.

UNIT II SCENARIO

Question #5

How is technology likely to affect the relationship development of Andrea's committee in the Unit II Scenario? What unspoken message does Joshua's constant use of his cell phone signal to members? Does age play a role in member perception of him? If so, in what way?

CONFLICT AND TECHNOLOGY

In Chapter 1, we discussed a variety of channels that are used for communicating and mentioned that face-to-face was one of the best because of its channel richness; the more codes (verbal, visual, and vocal) a channel conveys, the greater the chance of communication success. However, if the face-to-face communication channel can't be used for whatever reason and sending a written letter or memo would take too long, then you should select a channel using some type of affordable technology, such as a cellphone owned by 95 percent of U.S. adults (Mobile Fact Sheet, 2017), instant messaging (IM), text messaging, or email. Although email is more a staple of the business world, text messaging is on the rise. According to Pew Research Center (Smith, 2011), 73 percent of American adults send text messages but 97 percent of young adults ages 18–24 use them and many send and receive more than 100 text messages per day.

Credit: Shutterstock.com/WilliamPerugini.

Figure 7.8: How many text messages do you send each day?

While any type of technology can be misunderstood and result in conflict, it may well be that messages sent by email are the most prone to conflict. Have you ever received an email message that made you mad almost instantly? Not only can email make us angry, but when discussing a relatively minor conflict by email, the technology itself may cause the conflict to intensify just like the conflict escalators discussed above. In fact, if we aren't extremely careful, a minor conflict can "spin out of control

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with angry recriminations and severely hurt feelings after a series of e-mails" (Friedman & Currall, 2003). Don't wait for a serious email conflict to occur; plan now for how to avoid them. For more on how email intensifies conflict and what to do about it, see the Making Theory Practical section on the following page.

Conflict Styles

When we experience conflicts, we often hold others responsible for their behavioral choices, forgetting that our behaviors are choices as well. In this section, we will present a number of strategies for making appropriate choices in managing relational conflict. It is important to keep in mind that for any of these strategies to be effective certain underlying assumptions must be met:

LEARNING OBJECTIVE

7.3 What are the four styles that people use in managing conflict, what is the main focus of each style, and what are some suggested ways to communicate assertively?

Both parties should have some level of commitment to the relationship.

Both should wish to resolve the conflict.

Neither should be mentally dysfunctional.

Neither party should be committed to leaving if things don't go well.

With these assumptions in place, the way we deal with conflict varies, depending on the situation and the relationship. For example, we manage workplace conflict differently from the way we handle conflict at home. Our approach to conflict with friends differs from conflict with a spouse. Power and intimacy differences in the relationship also play a role. In most situations, we tend to limit conflict resolution to the one or two styles with which we feel most comfortable. Basic conflict management styles include passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. The style that suits each of us best may be the result of how we saw conflict managed in our family while growing up, or it may be a function of our personality and basic needs. As you read, see which styles you tend to use when handling conflict and any strengths and weaknesses each may have. Do you see any potential problems?

THE PASSIVE STYLE

The passive style is adopted by people who are uncomfortable with open conflict. The message conveyed by passive behavior is, My needs are not important; yours are. You will see passive communicators use the following behaviors:

Denial. "What conflict? We get along great." The result of denial is that felt needs go unexpressed. Those close to the passive person remain unaware that there is conflict and, therefore, fail to meet the person's needs.

Avoidance. "Let's not talk about that." When the conversation seems to be headed toward a touchy subject, passive people do their best to avoid it. You may recognize this tactic as one used in relationships in the circumscribing stage.

Accommodation. "Whatever you think." Overt conflict is avoided because the accommodator simply gives in. This would be the favored approach of a submissive person. However, not all people who behave submissively are, in fact, low in need for control; they have just managed to keep it hidden.

MAKING THEORY PRACTICAL: DISPUTE-EXACERBATING MODEL OF EMAIL (DEME)

Questions: Ever wonder why email can make you mad so quickly? Have you ever tried to solve a conflict using email only to find a minor problem escalating into a much larger one?

With the average corporate employee handling 122 email messages daily (Burke, 2016), email in the workplace is not only used to dispense information, plan meetings, and solve problems, it is used to wage disputes and manage conflict. Personal experience and a careful look at email research has led management experts Raymond Friedman and Steven Currall (2003, p. 1326) to conclude that "some structural features of email make it more likely that disputes will escalate when people communicate electronically than when they communicate face-to-face or via the telephone."

THEORISTS

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In their article "Conflict Escalation," Friedman and Currall (2003) set forth their theory of conflict escalation called the dispute- exacerbating model of email or DEME. As you read the six main propositions of DEME, see if you have experienced any of these problem areas (either in business or personal relationships):

Proposition 1: Diminished feedback leads to reduced self-correcting behavior. Because there are generally no nonverbal or vocal cues with email and feedback is delayed, words may be interpreted as more negative than intended-especially if the parties have little or no history working together.

Proposition 2: Diminished feedback leads to reduced information. Relationships don't occur instantly; people learn about each other over time. Without this time factor, parties have minimal information to reduce uncertainty.

Proposition 3: Minimal social cues lead to communication that is more serious and less friendly. The desire to be socially acceptable is less of a deterrent, and the norms of politeness and cooperation may be ignored when using email resulting in more outspoken and aggressive behavior.

Proposition 4: Lengthy emails lead to less give-and-take and more focus on perceived negative statements. Many people tend to put all their arguments into one long email. This approach causes the receiving party to view them more negatively, and to become more angry as each argument is read. It is also easy to overlook some arguments and concentrate on the most negative ones.

Proposition 5: Excess attention to email as it is read several times and an equally long response is planned leads to heightened anger and increased commitment to one's own view. Reading the email several times builds anger and diminishes the possibility of compromise, as it becomes clear that the other party intended everything that was said.

Proposition 6: Strength-of-relationship ties may lead to a moderating effect on the conflict. People are more likely to give each other "the benefit of the doubt" and seek compromise if they know each other well or realize the likelihood of working in the future.

PRACTICAL USES

Because of the risk of conflict escalation, Friedman and Currall suggest that "e-mail is not the preferred way to manage disputes" (2003, p. 1342). But if email is the only feasible channel, then minimize conflict by:

1. When receiving email, be aware that comments you perceive as negative may not be intended as negative. Use perception checking and be ready to apologize if a misunderstanding occurs.

2. When sending email, edit all your messages carefully. Even a relatively calm statement "can be easily misinterpreted as being more aggressive than intended" (Friedman & Currall, 2003, p. 1342). Think of possible ways that your statement could be interpreted, and reword it several times if needed.

3. Think carefully before deliberately sending negative comments. How would you feel if it were sent to you?

4. If you have a prior relationship with the other person and/or will likely be working with them again in the future, mention it; social ties help to reduce conflict.

5. When people get angry they tend to become overly logical and forget that persuasion involves emotion as well. Include emotional arguments along with your logical ones.

6. Instead of sending one long email, divide the message or arguments into categories or sections and send them separately. Be sure to edit your subject line so each email has a different and specific title. Use boldfaced headings and bullets when possible to simplify the look of the message. If it is necessary to send one longer email, preface it with one or two shorter, introductory emails.

Key source: Friedman and Currall (2003).

The obvious advantage to the passive approach is that there is unlikely to be a lot of screaming and yelling or expression of angry feelings. The "fight-phobic" person would find this appealing. Then, too, there are times when there is no real need to invest a lot of energy in disagreeing about something. There are some issues on which people can "agree to disagree" without

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launching a full-scale argument. However, when an issue is troubling enough that it threatens the perception of one's partner and/or the integrity of the relationship, the passive style is not an appropriate choice.

APPLY WHAT YOU KNOW: RELATIONSHIPS AND CONFLICT

To apply what you know about relationships, conflict escalation, and technology, complete the following critical thinking questions below:

In the roommate conflict over perception and attributions on page 199, could unfulfilled needs or assigning fault have played a role in the conflict escalation as well as faulty attributions? Why?

Applying what you have learned from previous chapters, what two perception checks could be used to defuse the roommate conflict and one that could make it worse? Remember that a good perception check contains four parts (see Chapter 2, pages 62-63 for help). Share your perception checks with others.

Think of a recent situation in your life in which conflict resulted from an email message. Give a brief explanation of the situation, what main proposition of DEME was likely responsible, and what you did or could have done to defuse the situation.

THE AGGRESSIVE STYLE

Aggressive communicators prefer to confront conflict directly in a manner that makes it clear that they are aggrieved. Their message is, My needs are important; yours are not. The aggressive style is marked by exaggerated verbal and nonverbal expression. Habitual explosive anger, verbal tongue-lashings, and nonverbal hostile behaviors are the hallmark of the aggressive communicator. Aggressive people often have high control needs, although not all dominant people are aggressive. Despite their hostile behaviors, aggressive people may actually need affection. Their aggression, in fact, may be a sort of temper tantrum brought on when they feel that they are being thwarted in their attempts to get their needs met. Aggressive behavior may succeed in getting one's needs attended to; however, as you can imagine, it has the potential to do untold damage to the relationship. Aggressive communication, like all communication, is irreversible—once it's been said, you can't wipe it away.

THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE STYLE In our list of conflict management styles, the passive-aggressive style deserves a special place. The message of the passive-aggressive communicator is, I'll pretend that I think your needs are important to me, but they really aren't. Passive-aggressive people are angry but seldom own up to their personal feelings. This does not mean that they will allow their partners’ perceived transgressions to go unpunished. Far from it! They do not play the role of passive doormat! On the other hand, they do not want to be accused of being a mean aggressive. So they devise a way to punish their transgressor in such a subtle and obscure way that for their partners to call attention to what they are doing would be to appear overly sensitive, humorless, or aggressive themselves. Passive-aggressive people can then get pleasure in casting themselves in the role of innocent victims.

Here are a few examples of passive-aggressive tactics:

The silent treatment. When someone asks if you are upset, a passive-aggressive behavior would be to respond with a wide-eyed and perplexed facial expression, followed by a brief wounded look, and then an obvious attempt to compose your face again into a study of wonderment that the other would think such a thing.

The innocent approach. You might also take the innocent approach by saying something like "You mean I did that wrong? I was just trying to help."

The joking approach. You could make a cruel joke at your partner's expense (whether in public or private) and then chide the partner for lack of humor when s/he appears hurt.

UNIT II SCENARIO

Question #6

Which conflict style do Andrea and Max in the Unit II Scenario each appear to use? Considering the style differences, what do you think of Andrea's response to Max's opening comment?

Have you observed these tactics being used in the past? There are many other similar tactics used by passive-aggressive

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persons. To be fair, sometimes people develop a passive-aggressive style in order to counter their partners’ habitual aggressions. The issue is control; the passive-aggressive person may not know how to get control in more productive ways. However, some people enjoy their passive-aggressive game; they especially enjoy it if they can induce their partners to overreact to such a degree as to lose personal control. However, make no mistake about it: passive-aggressive behavior is often nasty and is always emotionally dishonest. Emotional dishonesty is not owning up to your feelings and then punishing your partner because your needs were not met.

THE ASSERTIVE STYLE Although we are reluctant to claim that any one communication skill or behavior is "the best" approach to handling conflict, the assertive style of conflict management has so much to commend it that it should be cultivated by everyone. Assertive communicators look for conflict resolutions that will satisfy both parties. The message conveyed by assertive communicators is: My needs are important to me, but your needs are just as important. They encourage others to express their needs and are genuinely interested in what others have to say. At the same time, they openly and honestly express their own needs but do not resort to manipulation to get their own way. Assertive communicators demonstrate that their primary concern is the health of their relationships. For suggestions on using the assertive style, see the Developing Skills feature on page 207.

Conflict Outcomes

From our previous description of relationships and conflict, you may have concluded that a positive outcome is too idealistic to be expected. However, a satisfying resolution should be attainable with effort and an awareness of conflict outcomes (Weaver, 1984). In most cases, the assertive communication style—because it considers both your own needs and those of your partner —is usually the best method.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE

7.4 What are several possible outcomes to conflict, and which outcomes usually result from the passive, aggressive, passive- aggressive, and assertive conflict styles?

WIN-WIN

The most desirable outcome is a win-win solution in which both parties get their needs met. Although it may be unreasonable to expect that all parties will get all their needs met, assertive communicators prefer that all parties get their major needs met when possible. Communicators often give up on this possibility too soon. Assume that you and your spouse are in conflict over where to take your vacation. You favor a beach destination, and your spouse prefers Las Vegas. The discussion gets heated as you each insist on your choice, and you reach an impasse where only one of you can win.

The key to exploring a win-win outcome is for both of you to forget destinations for the moment and focus on the reasons for your choices. For you, the ideal vacation is one that enables you to relax, read a book or two, and soak up rays of the sun. Your spouse, however, is looking for some excitement—a lively environment, good food, and an array of entertainment options. Having identified the qualities you both desire in a vacation destination, you may now explore other destinations that would enable you both to get the kind of break you are seeking—a cruise, for example. This third option, a cruise that satisfies all your needs as well as your spouse's, would not have been considered if you had remained fixed on your initial destinations.

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Credit: Shutterstock.com/upslim.

Figure 7.9: A cruise was a win-win outcome for this couple

COMPROMISE

Sometimes needs are such that an option cannot be found that completely fulfills the goals of both parties. If this is the case, the second-best outcome is a compromise. The downside of a compromise is that both parties give up something; no one is the "winner." However, both will get part of their needs met, although certainly less than in the win-win outcome. Back to the vacation example: you'll give up the sun if you can keep the relaxation; your spouse will give up the gambling as long as good food is available. If cruises make you seasick, there are plenty of other options that feature both good food and relaxation—a satisfactory compromise. Although compromise is viewed as a second choice, all conflict styles from passive to assertive use it when needed.

WIN-LOSE

Sometimes, however, your needs truly are mutually exclusive. You crave New York City, but your spouse needs mountain air. In such a situation, you may have to settle for a win-lose outcome. As the label suggests, one of you gets your needs met, and the other does not. Both the aggressive and the passive communicator often prefer this method. It may be hard, at first glance, to see how this could be an acceptable alternative for an aggressive communicator, particularly if s/he is the "loser." However, there is a way to convert this objectionable outcome into one that satisfactorily resolves the conflict—add a word to the label for this outcome: equitable win-lose. Equity is fairness. An equitable win-lose is achieved when partners agree and honor the agreement that one will "win" this one, but the other will win the next.

DEVELOPING SKILLS: HOW TO COMMUNICATE MORE ASSERTIVELY

Are you hesitant to take an assertive stance? If so, you may be confusing assertiveness with aggression. Assertive communicators present their ideas without causing an angry, defensive response because they use confirming messages not the disconfirming comments used by aggressive people (Gibb, 1961, 1970; Hocker & Wilmot, 2018).

Confirming messages convey that you value the other person and regard his or her needs as important; disconfirming messages imply that the other person is not valued and his or her needs are not important to you. To become more assertive, make plans to use one or more of these confirming messages until they become almost automatic, even in emotional situations:

Descriptive (not evaluative) comments. One of the best ways to make assertive comments is to be sure that the comments describe the behavior you find objectionable rather than the character of the person. Also, when speaking, own

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your feelings by using "I" in the statement. "I was surprised when you decided to invite people over without warning me" is an example of a descriptive comment. On the other hand, if you find yourself making statements that accuse or blame the other person, you are making evaluative comments. This type of comment usually includes the word "you" and causes people to become defensive.

Problem-solution (not controlling) comments. Assertive comments take a problem-solution approach rather than an "I- know-best" approach. This approach indicates that you regard the other's needs and preferences as being equally important to yours and that your goal is to find a win-win solution when possible. Saying, "Let's discuss how we should go about making social plans in the future" is an assertive approach. Saying, "I'm not going to entertain your guests anymore unless you give me advance warning" takes a controlling approach that is certain to cause a defensive reaction.

Equality (not superiority) comments. Assertive comments imply that you regard the other person to be equally as capable as you of rational thought and moral judgment. "I'm really interested in how you came to that decision" is an example of communication that emphasizes equality. Of course, you have to say this with sincerity and not with a smirk or critical tone of voice. However, if you were to say, "Well, I wouldn't have done that to you!" you are suggesting that your intelligence, judgment, and moral character are superior.

Spontaneous (not pre-planned/strategy) comments. Assertive communicators are more likely to enter the discussion with no preset agenda. They are willing to make their judgments as they go, based on whatever gets revealed and reply with comments that are honest, open, and spontaneous. Before making comments, however, you will want to make sure you understand the other person's frame of reference and that you don't make spur-of-the-moment comments that could hurt someone's feelings. Ask questions; don't assume. Once the situation and feelings are clear, then you can respond. Aggressive, and especially passive-aggressive, communicators are more likely to have a planned strategy; they have determined the outcome they desire, and they have devised a strategy for achieving it.

Open (not closed to others) comments. Assertive comments make it clear that you are giving your opinion but that you are open to negotiation and even change. This is an important idea if you genuinely desire to hear and understand others' points of view while also gaining their respect for your own. When you convey that your idea is the only correct view-as the aggressive communicator does–you are communicating that you are closed to any other points of view.

Empathetic (not neutral) comments. Assertive communicators make empathetic comments that show that they care rather than taking a neutral position that shows indifference and says, "I don't care." When people say that they are unwilling to accommodate you because they have a policy and they don't make exceptions to their policy, they are communicating neutrally. They seem to be saying, "There's nothing special about you." To be sure, there are often situations in which policies must be adhered to. However, even in those cases, the relationship is more likely to benefit if you change your verbal and nonverbal elements slightly: "I wish I could do that for you, but I can't. I regret that it might be upsetting to you, but I cannot feel good about the unfairness to others if I make an exception for you."

RELATIONSHIPS AND YOUR CAREER

Managing interpersonal relationships and conflict will be of special importance to you in your career. The Spotlight on, Career Moment, and Connecting to features take a look at interpersonal relationships specifically as they relate to careers in business, education, and healthcare. Whatever career you choose, the following information should interest you.

LEARNING OBJECTIVE

7.5 What information and skills covered in this chapter relate specifically to your career?

Spotlight on Relationships and Conflict

Business

Aggressive communicators–especially the bully–can make relationships miserable in the work environment. Steve Adubato gives some great advice for handling bullies in his book Make the Connection (2006, pp. 170–171):

Work on making your body language strong and confident. Bullies pick their victims from people "with poor posture, downcast eyes, and a drooping head."

Tell your colleagues, who can serve as a buffer and make sure you are not left in isolation–the preferred situation of the

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bully.

Don't ignore bullies; confront them. Ignoring them just makes them angry and more determined: "Hey, Sam, lay off. I'm not interested in what you think" or "Your comments are unacceptable. I'd appreciate it if you would stop."

Practice confronting the bully using your mirror. Effective communication of all types requires practice.

Education

Conflict in the classroom can disrupt learning and hamper the quality of relationships between the teacher and students. Mottet et al. (2016) discuss a study by Boice (1996, p. 463), where both teachers and students ranked the same three student misbehaviors as the most disturbing:

1. Students who converse so loudly during class that neither the teacher nor other students can be heard

2. Students who confront the teacher with sarcastic comments or groans

3. Students who make unpredictable and highly emotional outbursts causing the class to become uncomfortable

To minimize conflict, create a positive classroom climate including (Mottet et al., 2016, p. 20):

Making assignments enjoyable.

Being optimistic and enthusiastic.

Treating students with respect.

Appearing relaxed and comfortable.

Healthcare

Pai (2014) found that 93% of adults would prefer to go to a physician who offers email communication and 25% of them would even pay a $25 fee per episode. In "Can E-Mail Messages … Be Patient-Centered?" researcher Debra Roter answered the following concerns (Roter et al., 2008):

Can email remain patient-centered? Statements used by 72% of physicians and 59% of patients were task related (information and questions); other statements "were used to express and respond to emotions and to build a therapeutic partnership" (p. 84). Note: Although doctors talk twice as much as patients, patients wrote twice as much in email messages.

Can conflict be handled effectively by email? Patients made complaints of their doctor in 8% of their statements. Physicians responded to the criticisms "with empathy or apologies," and some suggested that the issue "be resolved by phone or in person" (p. 84).

Career Moment: Interpersonal Skills

In many instances, job interviewers are more interested in your interpersonal skills than they are in your computer skills or knowledge of your field. Therefore, when you are interviewing for your ideal job, your communication and interpersonal skills will give you an edge whether that job is in communication, business, education, healthcare, or in such other fields as engineering, law, accounting, dental hygiene, or criminal justice.

Having this basic communication course on your résumé is good, but having an additional course or two is even better. It would show that you are really concerned with communication, and that you have advanced skills that make you especially desirable as a job candidate. Employers know that they can polish your knowledge and skills of the job, if needed.

We would like to recommend an excellent second speech course for you to take: Interpersonal Communication. Improving your interpersonal skills will improve your success in the workplace, regardless of the specific field you decide to pursue. Check with your instructor or the chairperson of the communication department for specifics on taking an interpersonal communication course.

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Credit: Shutterstock.com/luxorphoto.

Figure 7.10

Credit: Shutterstock.com/Potstock.

Figure 7.11

Connecting to … Business

Are you considering a business or professional career? If so, you will certainly experience conflict. Consider the following meeting between managers in a large company:

Nester, from marketing, tells the group that marketing needs two more employees to keep the company competitive.

Joan, from computers, believes that updating the software programs would be more cost effective. Joan speaks loudly and refuses to let others give their opinions.

Finally, Del, sales, interrupts Joan and accuses her of misinterpreting the financial figures she has been spouting.

Rick, human resources, wants to join in but says nothing and looks at the agenda instead of at the group members.

Joan stalks out saying that she will report this worthless meeting to upper management.

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Credit: Shutterstock.com/ Monkey Business Images.

ACTIVITY

In groups of three to five, use the information in this chapter to answer the following questions:

1. What were the sources of conflict in this meeting?

2. What conflict managing styles were used by each manager, and how did each style affect the group?

3. How might the conflict be resolved?

Connecting to … Education

Are you considering a career in education? If so, you will want to develop a feeling of closeness (immediacy) with your students. Students learn more, are more motivated, and more satisfied with the class and instructor when the teacher engages in immediacy behaviors such as vocal enthusiasm, personal examples, direct eye contact, gestures, and calling people by name (Mottet et al., 2004, 2007, 2016; Witt et al., 2010). Immediacy behaviors used by instructors teaching online classes also result in better student participation and higher satisfaction with the course and instructor (Ghamdi et al., 2016).

Credit: Shutterstock.com/ AVAVA.

ACTIVITY

1. In groups of four or five, think about your own experiences with instructors and brainstorm a lengthy list of the following:

Comments that instructors might say that making students feel more "distant" or "removed."

Comments that instructors might say that would probably make students feel "closer" and more "satisfied" with the class and instructor.

2. Discuss which approach strategies might cause you the most difficulty and which ones would seem fairly easy.

Connecting to … Healthcare

Are you considering a career in healthcare? If so, your verbal messages can have a definite effect on patients and on your relationships with them. Consider this situation: Mr. Turner has been having pain in his right leg and has been admitted to the hospital. Tests show that he has cancer and that the leg needs to be removed. He refuses to let anyone in the room and is calling everyone "incompetent fools." It is your job to calm Mr. Turner, but he just told you that you are an idiot and ordered you from the room.

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Credit: Shutterstock.com/ Tyler Olson.

ACTIVITY

In groups, practice using confirming messages.

1. First discuss why Mr. Turner is using the aggressive conflict style–see the situation from his viewpoint.

2. Review the confirming and disconfirming messages discussed on page 207.

3. Write out verbal comments you could say to Mr. Turner that would represent disconfirming messages.

4. Now write out comments you could say to Mr. Turner that would represent confirming messages.

5. In pairs, with one of you playing Mr. Turner and one of you being the healthcare provider, role-play the situation. First use disconfirming messages; then use confirming messages.

LOSE-LOSE

The least satisfactory outcome is the lose-lose outcome. This is the result when both party's focus is: "If my needs aren't met, then yours won't be either" (e.g., "That's fine; we just won't go on a vacation this year"). This is a particularly virulent form of relational gamesmanship, sometimes part of the repertoire of the passive-aggressive communicator: "Maybe you should just go on your own vacation. I'll just stay here and work to pay for it." We can see that the goal here is to retaliate and to punish the other. Striving for this sort of outcome will extend the conflict, generating negative feelings that will linger for a long time and may be impossible to overcome.

APPLY WHAT YOU KNOW: RELATIONSHIPS AND CONFLICT OUTCOMES

To apply what you know about relationships and conflict, answer these critical thinking questions:

Which conflict style (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or assertive) do you use more often? Why do you think this is the case?

Select a television or movie character that is a good example of each of the conflict styles and explain your reasons for the choices.

Which conflict outcome do you seem to use more often? Why? Give an example of a recent situation when the conflict outcome occurred.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

As this chapter has stressed, maintaining successful relationships, especially during conflict, requires knowledge and skill. For a detailed summary of the chapter's learning objectives, see Online Materials for Chapter 7. Summarize this chapter by checking each skill that you now feel qualified to perform:

I can evaluate one or more of my relationships to determine which stage of development or deterioration is involved and make changes for improvement as needed.

I can identify any conflict escalators present in my relationships and work to minimize their effects as well as assess my typical conflict style.

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I can communicate assertively by using confirming messages and learn to use the win-win method to solve conflicts.

I can manage my interpersonal relationships and conflicts in a flexible manner by applying some of the communication tips provided in this chapter.

The next two chapters will deal with working in groups—teamwork (especially problem-solving in teams) is one of the most important skills in business and the professions.

KEY TERMS (CHECK GLOSSARY FOR DEFINITIONS)

acquaintances

aggressive style

assertive style

attribution

avoiding stage

bonding stage

circumscribing stage

compromise

confirming messages

conflict

differentiating stage

disconfirming messages

emotional dishonesty

experimenting stage

initiating stage

integrating stage

intensifying stage

intimacy

lose-lose

meta-communication

passive style

passive-aggressive style

punctuation

stages of relationship deterioration

stages of relationship development

stagnating stage

terminating stage

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win-lose

win-win

SKILL BUILDERS

1. Unit II Scenario Activity: Divide into all-male and all-female groups. Each group will be using the Unit II opening scenario.

Female groups should focus on Joshua and (1) decide what specific steps and/or communication strategies he should take in his relationship with Galina; (2) provide a brief reason for each suggestion; and (3) make a written copy of their ideas.

Male groups should focus on Galina and (1) decide what specific steps and communication strategies she should take in her relationship with Joshua; (2) provide a brief reason for each suggestion; and (3) make a written copy of their ideas.

Now each group should exchange written papers with a group of the opposite gender and critique the other group's suggestions and reasons using this scale:

5—Great job!

4—Some suggestions would work.

3—These suggestions are better than nothing, but …

2—Ouch! Some of these suggestions show a lack of understanding.

1—Run (don't walk) to sign up for a class in gender communication!

If time allows, open the discussion to the entire class and discuss what things surprised, shocked, or pleased you the most.

2. Social Exchange Theory Activity: The section on stagnating relationships included several reasons why people choose to remain in these relationships. In groups, expand this list of reasons by applying social exchange theory (discussed in Chapter 6); then answer the following questions:

What explanation does this theory offer for why couples stay in relationships that have reached the stagnating stage? List at least three reasons and explain why these arguments make sense to the couples who use them.

Have you or anyone you know had a relationship that reached the stagnating stage? If so, which reason on your list more clearly described their experience? Be prepared to share and support your group's ideas with the class.

3. Critically Evaluating What You Read Activity: Using the critical evaluation form from Chapter 1, select and evaluate an article on relationships or conflict obtained from a communication journal such as Communication Education (you may wish to check your library databases for articles). Be prepared to share your observations with your classmates.

4. Understanding Conflict Activity: Unless we consciously made a decision to change, most of us learned our method for handling conflict from our families while growing up. Which styles did your caregivers use? Are these methods the ones that you typically use today? If yes, discuss why; if no, discuss why not.

5. Stages of Relationship Activity: In groups of four or five students focus on either stages of relationship development or stages of relationship deterioration. Select a scene from a popular movie or television episode where you can identify the characteristics of relationship stages. Prepare a short presentation where you can guide the rest of the class through the video clip and then describe the connection to the relationship stage. As an alternative, describe a time in your own relationships where one of the stages is apparent. As a group, prepare a short skit where you can bring the stage to life, based on your realworld experience.

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Chapter 7: Managing Interpersonal Relationships and Conflict
Overview
Introduction
Relationship Stages
Relationships and Conflict
Conflict Styles
Conflict Outcomes