Divorce and Remarriage

4/29/22, 3:46 AM 12.3: The Consequences of Divorce for Spouses and Children

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12.3.3: Adjustment After Divorce for Ex-Spouses Before divorce was widely accepted in this society, marriage was literally “until death do us part.” Such a lifelong commitment works for many, but for other couples marriage

becomes a trap. Love atrophies, partners change, interests diverge, the interaction loses its emotional connectedness or even becomes abusive—for whatever reason, some marriages are not happy unions. In this sense, divorce allows people to end difficult and sometimes destructive relationships and start anew, rather than be condemned to “life imprisonment” (this section is dependent in part on Ahrons, 1994). Severing a marriage relationship, although traumatic as we have seen, allows each partner to go her or his own way—to find a new partner who meets his or her needs in a cohabiting or remarriage relationship, to move to a different locale and begin afresh, to go back to school, or to change jobs.

This renewal through divorce allows many women to seize the opportunity and develop a new identity, forge ties with others in order to survive, and delight in becoming competent to do things they could not do or were not allowed to do.

4/29/22, 3:46 AM 12.3: The Consequences of Divorce for Spouses and Children

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Although divorce may be liberating for some, it is a painful experience with one or both of the spouses and their children suffering from the breakup. This is especially the case when the divorce experience involves children (the following draws heavily from the research of E. Mavis Hetherington, who tracked nearly 1,400 families and more than 2,500 children for as long as three decades, 2002). In the early years, ex-spouses must cope with resentment and anger, self-doubt, guilt, the loss of social networks, and stress from being separated

from children or from raising them alone and with reduced resources. Typically, a gradual recovery usually begins by the end of the second year. And 6 years after the divorce, 80 percent of both women and men have moved on to build reasonably or exceptionally fulfilling lives. About 20 percent of the women in Hetherington’s sample eventually emerged from divorce enhanced and showing competencies that they would never have

4/29/22, 3:46 AM 12.3: The Consequences of Divorce for Spouses and Children

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developed in an unhappy or constraining marriage. Divorced men were less likely to undergo such personal growth following divorce, but the vast majority of them did construct reasonably happy new lives.

Types of Ex-Spouses According to Hetherington’s longitudinal research, 20 years after their divorces, ex-spouses fall into one of the following categories (summarized in Peterson, 2002a:2B).

Enhanced (20 percent)

Mostly successful at work, socially, and as parents.

Competent loners (10 percent)

More emotionally self-sustaining than enhanced ex-spouses, but they do not need a lifetime

companion.

Good enoughs (40 percent)

Divorce was difficult, but it did not make a lasting impression, good or bad.

Defeated (10 percent)

Succumbed to depression, substance abuse, and/or purposelessness.

Seekers or libertines (20 percent)

Seekers, typically insecure men, remarry quickly. Libertines, on the other hand, want life in the fast

lane, casual sex, and no rules.

In sum, Hetherington found that 20 years after their divorce 7 out of 10 ex-spouses made it through the divorce relatively unscathed.