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10/18/2017 Yuzu: Psychology of Gender: Fourth Edition

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CHAPTER 9

Romantic Relationships

y husband had a number of friends from work with whom we occasionally got together. One of these friends was Bill. My husband had known Bill for about a year, and to his knowledge (or anyone else’s), Bill was not romantically involved with anyone. Bill was from India and had gone home for a

two-week vacation. When Bill returned, he was married. This was an arranged marriage, a concept foreign to people in the Western world. Marriage without love?

Without romance? It may surprise you to know that romantic relationships are a relatively recent phenomenon even in the United States (Murstein, 1974). Historically, people turned to friends and relatives rather than a spouse for love and emotional support. The functions of marriage were specific: economic security and procreation. Love was not among these functions. One reason love did not play a significant role in marriage is that it was thought to threaten family bonds, which were more important for position in society at that time.

Even a few hundred years ago, love was largely independent of and antithetical to marriage. When two people fell in love, it was regarded as a problem. Parents were concerned about controlling this “dangerous passion.” In the 19th century, spouses were polite to one another and, ideally, compatible, but they led largely separate lives. Even by the mid-19th century, love was not a prerequisite to marriage. Love was expected to follow rather than precede marriage. When individual choice did emerge in the 19th century, people generally chose their partner based on character, health, religious morals, and financial stability. These were the same factors that guided parents’ choices. Choosing a partner based on physical passion was not at all acceptable.

During the latter part of the 19th century and in the 20th century, the idea of marriage based on love developed. This coincided with American women’s increase in freedom and status. The 20th century became known as the century of the “love marriage.” Today, the practical functions of marriage have been replaced with more emotional functions. We have very high expectations of marriage. Marriage is expected to be a “SuperRelationship” that fulfills spiritual, sexual, romantic, and emotional needs rather than social, economic, or religious requirements (Whitehead & Popenoe, 2001).

This chapter focuses on romantic relationships, what women and men want from relationships, and how women and men behave in relationships. I discuss how men and women construe the positive aspects of romantic relationships, such as intimacy, love, and sexuality, and also how men and women manage the conflict in their relationships. Research focuses on dating couples, often college students, as well as married couples— both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. One caveat with the research on heterosexuals and sexual minorities is that a large portion of it focuses on White middle-class persons.

There is a growing literature on homosexual relationships, as the issue of same-sex marriage is a contentious political issue in the United States (see Sidebar 9.1 for a discussion of the status of same-sex marriage). Figure 9.1 shows the status of sex-same marriage in the United States (NPR, 2009; State of Hawaii, 1998, State of Washington, 1998).

Studying homosexual relationships is important in its own right, as any theory of relationships ought to be tested on a variety of relationships. However, studying homosexual relationships is particularly interesting from a gender perspective. As Kurdek (2003) describes, gay and lesbian couples are “natural experiments” of relationships without men’s paternalistic power and women’s maternalistic care. Sex and status are confounded in heterosexual relationships. Research on homosexual relationships can help to tease apart sex from status. To the extent that differences between women’s and men’s behavior in heterosexual romantic relationships disappears in homosexual relationships, the structure of the heterosexual relationship must contribute to those

10/18/2017 Yuzu: Psychology of Gender: Fourth Edition

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differences. To the extent that differences in women’s and men’s behavior appear in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships, those differences must have to do with sex or psychological gender.

RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT Men and women are definitely interested in romantic relationships. The vast majority of adults want to get married, although the desire is slightly less in women than men (Mahay & Lewin, 2007). Among seventh, ninth, and eleventh graders, 76% say that they probably or definitely will get married; only 5% say that they expect not to marry (Manning, Longmore, & Giordano, 2007).

Characteristics Desired in a Mate Review the personal ads shown in Table 9.1. In some ways, women and men are looking for different characteristics in a mate. The women seeking men are providing information about their physical attractiveness and seeking men with education and a good work ethic. The men seeking women are interested in finding an attractive mate and providing information about their financial status and work ethic. In the two ads of “women seeking men,” we see that both women advertise their physical attractiveness and are looking for a stable man with a job, who can handle finances. On the other hand, we also see that both women are educated and independent.