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F a i r D e a l i n g ( S h o r t E x c e r p t )

Reading: Ch. 1. Defining and Describing Families (excerpt) (Working with Families)

Author: Shimoni, Rena; Baxter, Joanne M.

Editor: N/A

Publisher: Pearson Addison Wesley Publication Date: 2008 Pages: 5-8

Course: ECED 421 63A 2023W1 Supporting Young Children Through Home, School, and Community Relationships Course Code: 63A Term: 2023W1

Department: ECED

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“ I came from an old country with old traditions. In that culture, the mother's role is to nurture her children and stay at home. The father is the breadwinner; he is the guardian of the family, and the brother is socialized to become the father figure later on. He is given responsibility in the family.

"Grandparents are treated with a great deal of respect. If someone rejects or disrespects their grandparents, they would be considered an outsider by their community. Grandparents have the power and control in family decisions. The paternal grandparents have more influence than the maternal grandpar­ ents. While many marriages are arranged, not all are; however, the wife would need to be accepted by the husband's parents and extended family. Marriage in our country is not only a relationship between husband and wife, but a rela­ tionship between two sets of extended families. These relationships have a great influence on the married couple and, therefore, it is extremely important that the extended families accept each other.

"The traditional family life that I described above does not relate to all parts of my country. In many urban areas, the lifestyle is very different.

"The roles in my family here have changed somewhat. I now contribute to household chores, and my wife works outside the home, so there are two breadwinners. Decision making is mutual. I don't have a son, but if I did, I would try to treat him more on an equal basis than what has been traditional for me.

"I am quite comfortable with these changing values. I think that I would expect more discipline and respect for parents than is common today. I am uncomfortable with violence and open sexuality in the media. All these things I feel are disrespectful to the family. I believe that we are still far away from full acceptance and integration of people of colour in Canadian society, and I want to instill in my daughter a sense of pride in her roots and her heritage."

Personal Perceptions of Family Our own definition of family is usually rooted in our own experience and is affected little by the latest sociological, psychological, and legal definitions. As professionals, however, it is important that we be aware of the current definitions and debates about what consti­ tutes a family. This knowledge, combined with an awareness of our own beliefs and feel­ ings about family, will enhance our ability to understand and work with families.

Definitions of Family While probably few people in North America would disagree that a married couple living together with their biological children is a family, there is less consensus about other family constellations. Consider, for example, the following situations:

• If a couple has cohabited, had a child together, and then separated, are the parents and the child still considered a family?

• Is a cohabiting but unmarried heterosexual couple a family?

• Is a gay couple who lives with the biological child of one of the partners a family?

• Is a child who was never formally adopted but has grown up with a couple and their biological children a member of that family?

Chapter 1: Defining and Describing Families 5

The answer to some of these questions will be, “It depends.” It depends on whether one is considering the concept of family as it relates to the emotional bonds between members (for example, the rock group who considered members a family) or whether one is considering legal aspects of the definition (as they apply, for example, to benefits, parental leave policies, and other matters). The answer to these questions will in turn depend on the time and place they are asked. For example, as of 2005, gay couples can be legally married in seven provinces and territories in Canada (Ambert, 2005). Therefore, even within our country there will be differences. Although gay couples are gradually becoming more accepted in North American society, they still meet with much opposition. In fact, in the United States the president intends on amending the U.S. Constitution so that gay marriages will not be legal anywhere in the country (Ambert, 2005). Cohabiting couples were not legally accepted as families a decade ago, whereas in 2000, the Canadian parliament extended benefits and obligations to common-law couples, be they of opposite sex or of the same sex (Ambert, 2005).

The complexity of some of these issues is illustrated in the following case.

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What Are the Criteria of Paternity? Dominique is a 26-year-old woman who decided to raise a child on her own and who became pregnant through artificial insemination. In the early months of her pregnancy she met and fell in love with Brian, who moved into her apart­ ment a month before the baby was born. They were not legally married, although they made a serious commitment to staying together. Brian took an active role in caring for the baby for its first two months of life. Since Dominique wanted to return to work after six weeks, Brian applied for a pater­ nity leave to enable him to stay home and care for the baby. Emotionally, he felt that he was the baby's father, although legally and biologically, he was not.

The response to Brian’s request for a paternity leave will depend largely on how the person making the decision defines the concept of family. In fact, the way a society defines family is the basis for many kinds of decisions that affect many different people. For example:

• How much will you pay in taxes?

• Will you get a student loan?

• Who is your legal heir?

• Who will be given custody of your children should you suddenly die?

• How big a social assistance cheque are you entitled to?

• Can you share your pension?

The answer to all these questions depends on official definitions of family (Holtzman, 2006).

Government Definition of Family Definitions put forth by governments typically differ from sociological ones since the purpose for the definitions varies. Governments require strict definitions for the purposes of collecting census data, planning, and determining benefits (Baker, 2001). Government

6 Part 1: Understanding Families

definitions tend to see families as small groups based on an affiliation or legal bonds, not on feelings, roles, or responsibilities. As of 2002, Statistics Canada broadened its defini­ tion of family to include a couple, of any sexual combination, with or without children, married or cohabiting, as well as “a lone parent of any marital status, with at least one child living in the same dwelling, or a grandparent raising a grandchild.” The Vanier Institute of the Family also includes a couple in its definition of family (Ambert, 2005).

An Inclusive Definition of Family While similarities do exist in the way the family has been described, it is clear that there is no one “right” way of defining families and little probability that scholars will ever come to a consensus on the topic (Holtzman, 2006). However, it is important to have a working definition of the family that reflects the realities of life in North America, rather than one particular group’s ideal.

This brief overview of definitions of family helps us to understand the diversity that exists in perceptions of what a family is, which should widen our own perspective. It is essential for societies to have a working definition of family to help guide social policies. Also, early childhood professionals working with families need to recognize the diversity of families and work toward an inclusive definition.

The Vanier Institute of the Family's Working Definition of Family Any combination of two or more persons who are bound together by ties of mutual consent, birth, and/or adoption/placement, and who, together, assume responsibilities for variant combinations of some of the following: • Physical maintenance and care of group members. • Addition of new members through procreation or adoption. • Socialization of children. • Social control of members. • Production, consumption, and distribution of goods and services. • Love. Source: Vanier Institute of the Family, 2006.

We need to remember that “change has become a part of the institute of the family,” (Ambert, 2005) and this makes many people worry about the future of the family and the values associated with family. On the other hand, as early childhood professionals it is important to be accepting, respectful, and understanding of the challenges faced by the wide variety of families. It may be interesting to compare your views on defining families, to those of other Canadians. According to a recent national study (Bibby, 2006), almost all Canadians see a married man and woman with at least one child as a family. Six out of 10 Canadians see a single parent with a child as a family, and five out of 10 Canadians see same-sex parents with a child as a family. Only three out of 10 Canadians see cohabiting couples with no children as families, and only two out of five Canadians see gay couples as a family. However, there are very significant differences in these opinions among different age groups. For example, 68% of Canadians between the ages of 18 and 34 see two people of the same sex with at least one child as a family, whereas only 24% of Canadians over the age of 55 share that view. The trend seems to be that the younger generation, many of whom have grown up in nontraditional families, are setting the stage for a more inclusive definition of family.

Chapter 1: Defining and Describing Families 7

Characteristics of Healthy Families So far, we have addressed the question, “What is a family?” through different perspec­ tives. We have avoided making value judgments about what a “good fam ily” is because this is a tricky question and because the answer we give to it is greatly influenced by our own beliefs and values, and certainly affected by our cultural background. But tricky as the question may be, all professionals who work with families must ask them­ selves what they believe the com ponents of a healthy family are, and they must com bine their personal knowledge and beliefs with their professional knowledge about that subject. Below, we consider some characteristics about what constitutes a “healthy family,” derived from Western psychology and sociology. We must consider these ideas in light of the ideas about healthy families that stem from other cultures. Note that healthy families are described in terms of what happens within the family, rather than in terms of the structure o f the family. That is, whether the family has a traditional structure (a married couple with children) or an untraditional structure (the rock group family described at the beginning o f the chapter), these characteristics could apply.

Characteristics of Healthy Families

1. Commitment. Family members are committed to promoting each other's welfare and to investing time and energy in the family group.

2. Appreciation. Family members appreciate, support, and encourage each other. 3. Effective communication patterns. Family members spend time talking

with each other and listening to each other. They solve problems effec­ tively, and feel free to express ideas and emotions with each other.

4. Spending time together. Efforts are made to ensure that joint family times happen (meals, recreation, and chores). Time together is spent in "active interaction" (rather than in passive activities, such as watching television).

5. Shared value system. Family members share and base their actions on the same value system. This system could be based on religion, but this is not always the case.

6. Coping with stress. Families have to cope with stress. This includes being aware of the stressors that develop and working together to cope with such stressors.

7. Balancing of needs. A healthy family finds ways to balance the needs of the family as a group with the individual needs of its members. For exam­ ple, while parents spend much time meeting the needs of their children, they also realize that they need to spend time together as a couple and to find time to develop their own interests as individuals. Also, parents understand that developing children need to spend time with their peers, to make and have their own friends beyond the family.

This list is not definitive. We provide it as a framework for discussion. Some questions you may want to ask include the following: • Does this list, or parts of it, relate to "real" or "ideal" families? • Does this list, or parts of it, relate to all families, or is it culture biased?

8 Part 1: Understanding Families

What would you add to this list, and why? What would you remove from this list, and why? Think of two or three families you know. Does the list above apply to them?

Diversity in North American Families As you work out your own definition of family, consider the following scenario, in which a 22-year-old social work student tries to come to grips with what the word family has meant in her life.

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Who Is Family? “ When I was a little girl, my parents took in two foster children for three years. The children then returned to their biological parents, but we remained very close. When we finished high school we got together again, and we have been sharing an apartment now for four years. We truly are a family.

"Last month I got engaged. My fianc£ immigrated to Canada a few years ago, and most of his extended family still live in Greece. At our engagement party, I looked around the room at his wonderful family, with whom I couldn't communicate because I don't speak their language, and whose way of life seems so different from mine. These people, after the marriage, would become my family. Then I looked at my former foster sisters who have shared so much of my life and so many of my most intimate thoughts. It's amazing that these people are not really considered family."

This is a touching example of how formal definitions offamily often don’t capture the feelings and relationships that jure connected with the concept of family.

The scenario below is a remarkable example of the diversity in structures that we see today.

Scenario

Expect the Unexpected A 4-year-old at a child-care centre was enthusiastically telling his caregiver that he was going to Vancouver to visit his uncle. The caregiver asked the child what they were going to do when they got there. “ Oh," said the child, "I'm going to take him for a walk in his stroller." The caregiver smiled and said, "You mean that you are going to take your cousin for a walk in the stroller." "No, he’s my uncle," said the child, as he strutted off to play. When the mother arrived to pick up her son, the caregiver related the conversa­ tion to her and said that perhaps the child was confused about the meaning of the words uncle and cousin. The mother laughed and told the caregiver an enlightening story. "My mother died four years ago, and my 75-year-old father soon after remarried a woman much younger than him, and they had a baby." This 1’/ 2-year-old baby was indeed the uncle of her 4-year-old sonl

Chapter 1: Defining and Describing Families 9