Need Essay corrected for assignment

Maria Jesusa Bowmer

22568647_700151

Personal Narrative: Story of my Life

When I was in grade 1, my dad and my mom were always there for me to go to school.

I always ask them to stay by my side because I was scared that someone is gonnagoing to hurt

me and I was scared that my dad gonnagoing to go somewhere and not gonnagoing to come

back because that day I know that my and my brother is planning to go to Hawaii. I was really

close to my dad before., he He always bring me toys whenever he go, and he always ask me what

I want. My mom is always there for me too when I needed help about my school project. Every

day before I to go school my mom always cook breakfast for me and for my brother and me;, she

always say that we need to eat a lot of food so that we can concentrate studying all of our lessons

in school.

Since the day I know what is going on about my dad and my brother moving to Hawaii

that is the day that I started following my dad whenever he go because I know from that day I'm

not gonnagoing to see my dad for so long and I know that my dad really need to move to Hawaii

to give me and my mom and me a better life. My dad noticed something is wrong to with me

because I always ask him to stay by my side, sleep by my side, and not gonnagoing to leave me.

He's the one taught me how to protect myself when someone gonnagoing to hurt me, and he's the

one taught me how to fight back when someone bullying me. The day that get got closer for him

to move to Hawaii my dad always spend time with me riding into my bike, swimming, and

playing badminton outside of the house.

Comment [CS1]: Incomplete sentence.

Comment [CS2]: Avoid giving only a list of general information or a diary account in the essay. That type of “catalog” approach lacks reader appeal

and doesn’t help you to develop your personalized

focus on the experience. Following the opening

sentence, the introductory paragraph should solidify

your topic and your approach, setting the tone for

the remainder of the essay.

Comment [CS3]: The writing is difficult to follow when they tend to be incomplete, run-ons or grammatically inconsistent.

Comment [CS4]: Ensure the consistency in the use of tense. Here past tense is ideal.

When I'm in grade 2 my mom is laughing to my dad because my dad is drunk at that time

and he dance in front of my mom. It was the best day of my life because I never see my dad

dancing at all. My dad always working works just to give me what I want and I appreciate that.,

he He always pickpicks me up in school to go somewhere to buy a gift to surprise my mom. My

dad and I always plan to surprise my mom, we decorate the balcony and put a lot of candles and

roses into the ground and into the table and I told to my dad that one day hopefully I found a guy

like my dad who is romantic and sweet my dad is laughing because he told me that I'm way too

young to think about love. He told me not to enter any kind of a relationship when I'm young

because he wan'twant me to have a better life and enjoy spending time with them. I remember

when my dad and my mom always telling me to be nice to my classmate and other people so I

can have a lot of friends at the end of the day. My dad and my mom is aare hard working parents

I know that because I always see them both doing something to support me and my brother, they

always say that don't waste our food because they keep saying that one day when we have our

own family we really know why they keep reminding or say that words to me and to my brother

how important life is and how hard to find a money to support the family. I told to my parents

that I hope one day when I'm into the right age and I only want to get married once like them

because seeing them together happy and knowing that my dad is my mom first and last boyfriend

and my mom is my dad first and last girlfriend till they get married. I also told them that because

I see my cousin have a broken family which is hard for her, I told to my dad I don't want that to

happen to me or to my brother. My dad promise me in front of my mom that he will never cheat

on my mom and he will never let someone to break our family and till now he prove and keep

that promises to my family. My mom's dad is always telling me to respect my parents because

Comment [CS5]: The writing is difficult to follow when they tend to be incomplete, run-ons or grammatically inconsistent.

Comment [CS6]: You need to really work hard at improving your grammar, writing clear sentences

with appropriate punctuation and word choice. Some

of the sentences are not clear and fail to make sense.

Comment [CS7]: You seem to have an issue with the punctuations, word choice and run on

sentence/comma splice. In case there are two or

more independent clauses pertaining to related ideas in a sentence, they must be either separated by

semicolons or joined with a conjunction to avoid

creating a run-on sentence/ comma splice. At times,

you have provided incomplete information which

leaves the reader in the dark. Provide enough

explanation for your ideas in a grammatically

consistent manner for the reader to understand your

points.

without them I'm not gonnagoing to be here. When I'mI was in grade 3 I joined girls scout, but I

decided to not continue because I found out that my dad and my brother is going to Hawaii the

next day. I was so sad, mad, and angry because I know that I'm not gonnagoing to see my dad for

so long specially my birthdays. I started not to go to school, not to listen to my mom, and I was

not into myself at that time. I keep asking myself why my dad and my brother need to go to

Hawaii when we have everything in the Philippines. I keep asking my mom, my grandma, and

my grandpa why my dad really need to go there, why my dad keep telling me to understand him

when all I know before is my dad is just gonnagoing to go there to find a job because I only

know that maybe Hawaii is just 30 to 40 minutes away from the Philippines, but I was wrong. I

was sad because my 3rd birthday my dad is was not there by my side till I was 16 or 17 year old.

But However, my dad decided to bring me and my mom and me to Hawaii and we waited for so

long to have a complete family again. I was so happy and also my mom and my dad., the The

first thing we did in Hawaii as soon as the airplane landed was we go went out and diddo

shopping., my My dad bought me a lot of clothes, phone, and chocolates,. And and then my dad

and my mom enrolled me in Farrington high school., I started grade 9 back in Hawaii till grade

11. I didn't stop attending to Farrington High School but they stop me because I was 18 year old

and they told me that I'm over age to be in grade 11. So I decided to find online schooling and

search on googleGoogle. Couple of months later, Penn Foster pop out into my facebook account

and that is when I started searching about the school and give it a try. I enrolled to Penn Foster to

achieve my goal in life and join military which is always my dream to served the country. I was

so happy that Penn Foster is able to help me to get my high school diploma and achieve all of my

dream. I promise to myself that I will never give up to do something I really want for me and for

my family specially for my daughter. I was so happy that I am almost done to my school and

ready to join the military and hoping that I will get a higher grade into my classes and into the

asvab test.

From the day I start working, I realize how is life is not always easy., I realize why my

mom and my dadad keep telling me to get my diploma, and hoping that whenever I graduate into

Penn Foster High School they will be proud of me. I keep telling them without them and my

family I'm nothing. I love them so much more than my life that is why I keep myself busy into

my classes to finish faster and get my diploma to help my family about the financial or

everything they need since they are the one helping me when I'm nothing. I told to my mom and

my dad that I am the one who is going to take care of them when they get old because they did a

lot for me and to what I'm doing for now it still not enough to pay them back, because all I want

for them is not togo work already I want them to enjoy life and just do vacation also my family. I

want to get my diploma to get a better job to help my husband paying the rent, foods, or any kind

of billing.

The essay seems to have a lot of issues, which make it difficult for the reader to clearly

follow the sequence of events. You seem to have an issue with the punctuations, word choice

and run on sentence/comma splice. In case there are two or more independent clauses pertaining

to related ideas in a sentence, they must be either separated by semicolons or joined with a

conjunction to avoid creating a run-on sentence/ comma splice. At times, you have provided

incomplete information which leaves the reader in the dark. Provide enough explanation for your

ideas in a grammatically consistent manner for the reader to understand your points. You need to

take care that the entire essay should be told in the past tense. Throughout you seem to

have an issue with the tenses. In some places, you are using present tense and in some

places, past tense to describe your experience; be consistent with the tenses. Preferably,

use the past tense.

Comment [CS8]: You need to really work hard at improving your grammar, writing clear sentences

with appropriate punctuation and word choice. Some

of the sentences are not clear and fail to make sense.

WRITING SKILLS: A PERSONAL NARRATIVE

INSTRUCTOR'S EVALUATION

Student Number: 22568647 Grade: 55 Graded By: CS

Exemplary Proficient Fair Poor Not Shown

Introduction (10 points): Establishes a specific topic and approach, as well as

setting an appropriate tone/mood for the rest of the essay. Engages the reader and

creates interest.

10 - 9 8 - 7 6 - 5 4 - 1 0

Coherence and Unity (25 points): Ideas flow clearly and logically as essay is

developed. Each paragraph contains one main idea (with enough detail to develop that idea clearly and logically) and a connection

to the ideas that precede and follow it. Clear transitions are present between sentences as well as between paragraphs. Author remains

focused on the topic.

25 - 22 21 - 18 17 - 14 13 - 1 0

Support for Ideas (20 points): Adequate detail and accurate support provided for each

idea introduced. Specific, accurate, and relevant examples are used to show

meaning. Essay does not simply make blanket claims without support.

20 - 18 17 - 14 13 - 10 9 - 1 0

Sentence Structure (10 points): Sentences are varied in both structure and length.

Sentences are complete, expressive, clear, and to the point. No run-on sentences or

fragments.

10 - 9 8 - 7 6 - 5 4 - 1 0

Spelling and Word Choice (10 points): Essay is free of spelling errors. Appropriate language is chosen for each situation, fitting the mood/tone set in the introduction. Word choice complements, does not inhibit, clarity.

10 - 9 8 - 7 6 - 5 4 - 1 0

Punctuation (10 points): Essay is free of errors such as comma splices, misplaced

commas, and inappropriate end punctuation. All punctuation is used correctly so as not to

interfere with comprehension.

10 - 9 8 - 7 6 - 5 4 - 1 0

Grammar (10 points): Essay utilizes correct and consistent verb tenses, subject-verb

agreement, clear pronoun-antecedent agreement, etc. Grammar errors do not

interfere with comprehension.

10 - 9 8 - 7 6 - 5 4 - 1 0

Conclusion (5 points): Provides adequate closure and reinforces the

meaning/significance established in the introduction. Effectively wraps up the essay.

5 4 3 - 2 1 0

Totals 32 7 16

REQUEST FOR ADDITIONAL WORK

Writing Skills: A Personal Narrative

Exam

Student Number: __ 22568647________ Grade: ____55%_________

Student Name: ________ Maria Jesusa Bowmer____________________________

Instructor Initials: ___CS_______

Date: __05/15/2019________

INSTRUCTIONS FOR THE RETAKE ASSIGNMENT:

Your work on this exam has been graded as below passing. You have one final chance to earn a passing

grade. We want you to succeed, so please follow these instructions very carefully.

(1) Review your graded exam, the instructor’s comments, and the study materials for this lesson

(Writing Skills, Part 1; Writing Skills, Part 2; and Writing Skills: A Personal Narrative).

(2) Within the next two weeks, prepare a new essay for Writing Skills: A Personal Narrative.

(3) BE SURE TO COPY AND PASTE THIS FORM INTO A FILE WITH YOUR NEW ESSAY SO THAT WE CAN

PROPERLY CREDIT YOUR STUDENT RECORD.

(4) If you need help understanding this lesson and/or its requirements, please feel free to contact

the school. Instructors can be reached by phone (1-888-427-1000), by email

([email protected]), or by mail (call for mailing address) from 9am to 7pm EST, Monday

through Friday.

Remember that this RETAKE EXAM is your LAST chance to earn a passing grade

on this examination, so be certain to submit your best work.

GOOD LUCK! 

Dear Student,

Although some of your answers did receive credit, your overall grade on this exam is below

passing. You now have a final chance to earn a passing grade for this lesson.

Please follow our instructions carefully.

1. Review your graded exam and the instruction material for this lesson.

2. After careful revision, prepare new answers to all exam questions.

3. Try your best to submit new answers for your MAKEUP EXAM within the next two

weeks, while the study material is still fresh in your mind.

4. When resubmitting your work for grading, please be sure to include your name, student

number, and the words “MAKE-UP EXAM” on the top of the first page of your

document. This will allow your instructor to accurately and efficiently grade your

retake submission.

If you feel that you need assistance in understanding the material for this lesson, please

contact us. Penn Foster High School instructors are available by telephone (1-888-427-1000),

by fax (570-961-4038), and by email ([email protected]) from 8am to 7pm EST, Monday

through Friday.

Remember that this MAKEUP EXAM is your LAST chance to earn a passing grade on this

examination, so be certain to submit your best work.

GOOD LUCK! 