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Pearson Tutor Services Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Pearson Tutor Services' Online Writing Center to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Adejoke! I am Pamela M. and look forward to working with you on this Pearson Tutor Services Essay Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength: The following is an effective topic sentence: Another amazing aspect that I had to encounter is that of eating fast foods and large portions. This sentence effectively prepares the reader for the material in that paragraph! 

*Adejoke 13043595 has requested that you respond to the Organization: 

 

You can improve your organization by including a separate conclusion paragraph. Omitting one can make your essay seem unfinished or hurried.

A conclusion usually sums up main and secondary points, particularly the idea of your thesis. Here are some additional ways writers might close an essay:

1. Statement of the subject's significance

      2.Call for further research

      3.Recommendation

4. Anecdote

5. Quotation

6. Question

7. Speculation

Would any of these work for your essay?

Main Idea/Thesis 

The thesis statement declares the main point or controlling idea of your entire essay.  The thesis statement answers the questions, “What is my opinion on the subject X?” and “What am I going to argue/illustrate in this essay?”

A thesis is usually placed at the end of paragraph 1. Here is your final sentence in that position:

As such, I would discuss an example of an American cultural practice that I once experienced contrary to my own.

This sentence is a good start, but you might take it a step further so that it reflects more fully the content of your paper and gives it a strong purpose.

The step further means adding to the one above, perhaps adding a sentence that addresses what  this example illustrates. Consider how you might you finish the following:

This experience shows that....

You might, for example, you might mention the hard work and the food indulgences in a separate sentence.  Grammar & Mechanics 

Insert a comma before a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so) joining independent clauses.  The coordinating conjunctions can be remembered by the acronym "fanboys." Here is your sentence:

I used to imagine that prolonged working hours would discourage individuals from turning up for their various but the American cultural practice on having more working hours changed my notion.

Where do you need to insert the comma?

Summary of Next Steps: 

· Note some points about your thesis

· Include a separate conclusion paragraph 

· Insert commas where needed

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Adejoke. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! Pamela M.

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Please look for more comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Pearson Tutor Services! We hope to see you again soon.

Surname 1

 

Student’s Name

Professor’s Name

Course Name

Date

Journal 1 and 2

My Personal Experience with Cultural Diversity

Culture entails the summation of several varying aspects that are usually accounted for by geographic locations. To me, cultural definitions constitute several different realms, some of which would include various ways of food preparation and family traditions. Culture is crucial to individuals particularly those who travel outside their own countries, like me. I tend to hold on to certain cultural practices because they permit me to be home in varying cognitive ways. As such, I would discuss an example of an American cultural practice that I once experienced contrary to my own.

The American hours put in more working hours in their works as compared to workers in other countries particularly in my own country and also take fewer decisions and retire later. [This sentence is confusing. Do you mean Americans put in more working hours than people do in other countries? How might you revise the opening of this sentence, based on my first question?] The United States is among the few industrialized nations with no mandated leaves. I used to imagine that prolonged working hours would discourage individuals from turning up for their various but the American cultural practice on having more working hours changed my notion. [What word might you include after "various?" Be sure to proofread your papers for missing words. Try reading aloud.]  As such, while working in America, I realized that there is a need to work more and harder so as to meet my work goals.

Another amazing aspect that I had to encounter is that of eating fast foods and large portions. I realized that the American way is an easy way due to mostly the busy work schedules that they have.[You mean this has to do with fast food, right? This is not about the large portions, so address the idea of fast food in that second sentence to avoid any confusion. This is easy because of fast food. The large portions have nothing to do with this point.] They have numerous prosperous fast-food chains and most Americans usually rely on drive-thru windows so as to grab quick meals on the go. During my visit, I also realized that in most restaurants, the visitors are usually served large portions of food, an idea that contributes to the immense obesity problems in the country. When a particular restaurant serves smaller portions of food, individuals usually prefer ordering for a desert. The experience was great since I had not tried most delicacies outside those of my own culture.