eng - as agreed with Daisy -

Running head: ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION 1

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION 3

Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Cristina! My name is Claudine F., and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let's get started!

*Writing Strength:  You talk about the reasons for your claim in separate paragraphs, Cristina. In your first paragraph you talk about the impacts of illegal immigrants on crime and security. Next, your second paragraph is all about its impacts on the economy. Lastly, your third paragraph talks about how illegal immigrants

affect population. By focusing on one reason per paragraph, you are able to help your readers distinguish your points from one another. Nice!

*Cristina 8941468, you requested help with Main Idea/Thesis: 

First, it seems that you don’t fully develop the main idea of your argument. This means that you don’t provide sufficient details that will convince your readers that illegal immigrants should not be allowed in the United States. Here is your current thesis statement:

Illegal immigrants in the United States should not be allowed due to crime and security threats, economic impacts and overpopulation.

Here, you list the reasons for your claim. However, you don’t fully elaborate on these reasons in the body of your essay. In order to fully develop your main idea, I suggest that you explain how crime rate, economic status, and population are affected by illegal immigrants.

For instance, how does illegal immigrants contribute to crime and security threats? In what way do they affect the country’s economy? What are the negative impacts of illegal immigrants on the country’s population? Elaborating on these details in the body of your essay will further strengthen your argument. For more help, you can visit this link: Writing an Argument Essay.

Organization 

Next, it seems that you don’t start your paragraphs with topic sentences that will clearly tell your readers what points you will focus on. Here is the current topic sentence of your first paragraph:

In accordance to 2017 report, the number of illegal immigrants has increased from 12 million to 12.5 million immigrants.

Because your topic sentence only talks about the increase of illegal immigrants in the United States, it will be hard for your readers to determine what topic you will talk about in your paragraph. I suggest that you develop a topic sentence that will reflect the main point of your paragraph and link back to your thesis statement. Take a look at this:

Thesis statement: Net-neutrality should not be repealed because it allows content creators to share their works for free, prevents service providers from limiting the use of the Internet, and allows internet users to express themselves freely.

Topic sentence 1: The first reason why net-neutrality should not be repealed is that it allows content creators to freely use the Internet to advertise and present their original creations.

Topic sentence 2: Another reason why people should fight for net-neutrality is that it prevents service providers from limiting the use of the Internet, allowing fair usage.

Topic sentence 3: Lastly, net-neutrality allows users to express themselves through the Internet and must not be repealed.

Notice that in the examples above, all the topic sentences relate to the thesis statement. In addition, they show readers that each paragraph will focus on one reason for the claim. Now, what point will your paragraph focus on? For more help, you can visit this link: Clear Topic Sentences.

*Cristina 8941468, you requested help with Grammar & Mechanics:    There are missing commas in your sentences with introductory elements. Here's a sentence from your first paragraph:

In 2013 alarming number of the immigrants were convicted include; 7 percent for sexual abuse, 9 percent for murders, 30 percent for kidnapping and 12 percent for assaults (Gehrk, 2015).

In the sentence above, you include an introductory element that introduces the sentence's main clause. However, without a comma to separate this detail from the rest of the sentence, the flow of the sentence's idea becomes unregulated. A sentence's introductory element usually indicates when, where, why, or how an event happened, and a comma is used to separate it from the rest of the sentence. Take a look at this:

Incorrect: In 1868 the Tokugawa Shogunate ended.

Correct: In 1868, the Tokugawa Shogunate ended.

Notice that in the example above, the comma delineates the two parts of the sentence from each other. Now, where does your introductory element end? Once you fix your sentence, scan your draft for similar concerns. For more help, you can visit this link: Commas.

Summary of Next Steps: 

1. Fully develop your main idea.

1. Make sure you start your paragraphs with clear topic sentences.

1. Supply the missing commas in your sentences.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Cristina. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day! ~ Claudine F.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook.

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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Illegal immigration in the United States

Name

Institution

Introduction

Illegal immigration in the United States is one of the most debated topics throughout the world. [Why is the topic of illegal immigration in the United States a topic of debate? What makes this an issue? What are the two sides of the issue? Consider providing additional background details about illegal immigration in the United States to help your readers better familiarize with the issue.] Even as many researchers, economists, philosophers advocate for the influx of the immigrants in the nation, I concur with the president that influx of the illegal immigrants has caused a lot of detrimental effects in the country thus more rule and regulation should be enacted. Illegal immigrants in the United States should not be allowed due to crime and security threats, economic impacts and overpopulation. [<< There is a missing serial comma in this list. The serial comma is the comma that is placed before “and/or” in a list with more than two items. Here’s an example: Shark fishing should be banned because it destroys the environment, negatively affects the shark population, and causes imbalance to the food chain. Using this example as your guide, properly punctuate your list. Afterwards, scan your draft for similar concerns.]

In accordance to 2017 report, the number of illegal immigrants has increased from 12 million to 12.5 million immigrants. This number is alarming considering the criminal activities that are associated with the illegal immigrants. In 2013 alarming number of the immigrants were convicted include; 7 percent for sexual abuse, 9 percent for murders, 30 percent for kidnapping and 12 percent for assaults (Gehrk, 2015). In the year 2014 to 2015, the number of illegal immigrants who were arrested at the Southwest border amounted to more than 900 people of which they had a terrorist historical background (Mora, 2016). This is a great threat to the peace of the innocent Americans and the country at large.

The legal immigrants usually contribute to the country taxes which are used in funding for the public services. Increase in a number of illegal immigrants means that they will use the available public services causing financial strain on the system. Besides, they replace the vulnerable Native American leading to increases in unemployment to the natives in the country.

The influx of the immigrants in the nation has resulted in overpopulation. This creates a strain on the local resources and the public services such as education and healthcare. [In what way did the influx of immigrants in America cause strain on resources and public services? What are the negative effects of overpopulation due to immigrants on education and health care? Make sure you fully explain these details to convince your readers that illegal immigrants should not be allowed in the United States.] For instance, in California, 50 percent of the students are illegal immigrants who have joined the schools leading to overcrowding in the schools. This requires more facilities, teachers and expansion of the schools (Rubenstein, 2016).

In conclusion, illegal immigration is a topic that should be addressed. More rules and regulation should be enacted and the immigrants who have terrorist ethnic background should undergo background checks in order to protect the American citizen.

References

GEHRK, J. (2015). Study: Jailing Illegal Immigrant Criminals Cost U.S. $1.87 Billion Last Year. Nationalreview.com. Retrieved 25 April 2018, from https://www.nationalreview.com/2015/07/nearly-2-billion-spent-jailing-illegal-immigrant-criminals-america-2014/

MORA, E. (2016). 916 Illegals From Terror-Linked Countries Apprehended Since 2014. Breitbart. Retrieved 25 April 2018, from http://www.breitbart.com/national-security/2016/08/25/900-illegals-terror-linked-countries-apprehended-along-southwest-border-since-2014/

Rubenstein, E. (2016). The Negative Economic Impact of Immigration on American Workers. Npg.org. Retrieved 25 April 2018, from http://www.npg.org/library/forum-series/the-negative-economic-impact-of-immigration-on-american-workers-2.html