Order 349505: Writer′s choice
tutorthammy
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*Writing Strength: The sources you use are published within ten years, ensuring updated information regarding the issue of the MLDA and contributing to a credible discussion in showing the opposing views. Good work!
Main Idea/Thesis An announcement is a very weak way to determine your comparative analysis on what the opposing views are regarding the legal drinking age:
This history and the different discussions have always brought a conflict of the ideal drinking ages, and thus in this essay, we compare the varying MLDA’s and their perceived benefits and criticisms.
It bears no strong impact in knowing the different arguments for and against what the ideal drinking age is. A thesis statement will typically be assertive and comprehensive in presenting the similarities and differences between two subjects to understand differing views. Look at this example:
Anabolic steroids use in the bodybuilding industry have been touted as dangerous for the health and unfair for those wanting to compete naturally, [opposing position] but others argue that its use is now the norm and can be beneficial when used responsibly. [supporting position] Whether one supports or is against the use of anabolic steroids will typically depend on how one is informed, [comparative point] one’s principles, [comparative point] and the long-term goal as a bodybuilder. [comparative point]
This is an effective thesis statement that shows what the two sides in an issue is and what may be the comparison points from which to determine the views. It provides a strong guide to the discussion and how it will be structured. You can use my example as a guide to revise yours, but you can also use this link for pointers: Writing a Compare and Contrast Essay.
* Organization:
Your discussion is not properly structured and lacks a smooth flow because many body paragraphs do not have topic sentences. In a compare and contrast essay, the topic sentences will typically reflect the major comparison (similarities and/or differences) points. In your specific case, the major arguments for and against MLDA will be shown. However, as an example, look at how you begin one of your paragraphs:
According to Highson, drinking caused the demise of 2,569 people aged between 26-20.
You’re referring to an outside source here, but it’s considered a supporting detail. It’s not showing what the overall argument is. Let’s have some more examples based on my topic:
Opposing anabolic steroid use: Furthermore, some bodybuilders want to gain/sculpt muscle but are willing to go through a longer, dedicated process; thus, anabolic steroids are not part of their ideals.
Supporting anabolic steroid use: On the other hand, other bodybuilders believe that the bigger the muscles are, the higher the likelihood to win competitions and gain fame, so they include steroids in their training regimen.
Look at the examples well. Both topic sentences refer to my second comparative point (one’s principles) and reflect the two opposing views that relate to that comparative point. Thus, they’re strong starting points to develop my paragraphs. Whatever sources or evidence I’ll show will follow after these topic sentences. Make your topic sentences based on the major arguments now.
* the Grammar & Mechanics:
You do not apply the serial or Oxford comma like what’s missing in this sentence:
Lowering the drinking age is linked to sexual initiation, alcohol intake during the pregnancy period and lack of paternity information.
This type of comma is included whenever three or more items are identified in a sentence and is placed after the item that is shown before the conjunction “and” or “or.” Look at this example:
I love my parents, Lady Gaga and Humpty Dumpty.
This can be misinterpreted that my parents are Lady Gaga and Humpty Dumpty. It's a funny thought, but the misunderstanding is already there. Look at this one:
I love my parents, Lady Gaga, and Humpty Dumpty.
Now, this is clear in stating that there are three things in the sentence. Going back to your sentence, how many listed items are there? Where can another comma be placed? I see other minor comma concerns, here's a final link to guide you: Commas.
Summary of Next Steps:
· Create a proper compare and contrast thesis statement.
· Reflect the opposing views’ major arguments in topic sentences.
· Apply serial commas in sentences that have three or more listed items.
Thank you for submitting again. Good luck! – Anna B.
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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.
Should the Drinking Age be Increased or Decreased?
Alcohol consumption in the world has been a source of numerous debates as it causes merry and harm in equal measures. Drinking has been the source of several social problems from crime increase to fund alcohol, to sexually transmitted diseases and traffic accidents. These social evils have raised much criticisms and activism from both government and non-governmental organizations. These discussions have led to the debate on the acceptable legal drinking age in many countries, especially in the United States. Historically the United States has undergone some changes in the legal drinking ages. Initially, the legal drinking age was 21 years old, until Roosevelt Franklin sought a drop of the alcohol consumption age to 18 years. This was during the Second World War, and the nation lowered the age for people who can join the United States Army. Thus the logic that 18-year-olds were mature enough to fight led to the decrease in the drinking age as it was assumed that they were mature enough to drink. Later in 1984, “President Reagan signed an Act raising the drinking age back to 21 years” (Vance). This history and the different discussions have always brought a conflict of the ideal drinking ages, and thus in this essay, we compare the varying MLDA’s and their perceived benefits and criticisms.
The change of the drinking age from 18 years to 21 years was driven mainly by organizations that were opposed to states having the powers to decide the drinking ages such as the ‘Mothers against Drunk Driving’ organization. These groups were of the opinion that the MLDA should be similar all over the United States and not differing from one state to another. They lobbied for a uniform MLDA until legislation was passed in 1984 requiring all states to adopt the 21 MLDA.
The groups sighted the increase in accidents that are alcohol related which were mainly caused by drivers in the age bracket of 18-20 years. These Youth would move from their states where they were prohibited to drink and drive to neighboring states where drinking was legal and then return home later driving while drunk. This led to an emergence of drunk driving fatalities and the phenomena was named “blood borders.” On reversing the legislation in 1984 after the alcohol consumption age was increased to twenty-one years in all the states in America, it was found out that more than 900 lives were saved a year from accident fatalities and a record decrease in alcohol deaths 62% among teenage drivers (Vance). [This is a comma splice, which happens when a comma is placed in between two independent clauses or complete sentences. Either a period or a semi-colon will properly close the first sentence. Which are the complete sentences here? Where should you place the chosen punctuation mark? Correct other splices in the draft.]
According to Highson, drinking caused the demise of 2,569 people aged between 26-20. These demises were as a result of falls, drowning’s and poisonings. Studies have also shown that more than 33% of the homicides among youth below 21 years were related to alcohol consumption. 8% of suicides by males and 12% of suicides by females below 21 years are also alcohol-related. Also, 90% of rape cases among college students occur when the accoster, both or the victim are under the influence of alcohol. 95% of brutal crimes in universities involve perpetrators who are under alcohol influence. “The social costs of underage drinking are conservatively estimated at $53 billion, including $19 billion from traffic crashes and $29 billion from violent crime” (Highson). This shows that the social burden brought about by teenagers consuming alcohol is immense both concerning finances and emotional trauma. The economic, individual and social consequences of teenage alcohol consumption have led to it becoming the number one United States health problem (Highson). [Another component of a focused, cohesive body paragraph is to have a closing sentence. It acts as a mini conclusion to reflect the major point again and provides a transitional element to the next paragraph. Consider this question in making your closing sentences, What is the paragraph’s overall argument for or against the changing of the MLDA?]
Bier, in his work, argues that by making alcohol illegal to those below the age of 21 years, we only manage to push alcohol consumption by the underage youth underground (30). This thus means that we force the underage youth to take alcohol in environments that are uncontrolled and thus making binge drinking more frequent in the process. The illegal environment in which the teenagers consume alcohol causes them to create fallacies about alcohol intake behaviors as they are inexperienced and new to the act of alcohol consumption (Bier 30). From the year 1984 when the drinking age was raised to 21 years, binge drinking has risen dramatically among the teenagers (Nugent). This is primarily because youth over 18 years old are allowed to marry, drive and serve in the army but not to drink. Therefore, the young people in contempt of the law choose to drink, and since they can’t do it in an environment where there is supervision, they result to use of alcohol containing high-octane and in large amounts (Nugent). Therefore, by increasing the drinking age, alcohol consumption has bot become less dangerous but rather more hazardous.
Engs disputes the notion that the implementation of the 21-year drinking age limit resulted in the reduction in accident fatalities. The decline in accident fatalities is not in question but what is questionable rather is the causative agent of the reduction. The decline in accidents began in 1969, the same year when passenger cars got improvements in crash protection and accident avoidance features. Further reduction in accidents was caused by the safety standards introduced by the federal government. These standards “which allowed for improvements in over three dozen safety measures not previously found in automobiles” (Engs). Vance also argues that if the raising of drinking age to 21 years resulted in a reduction of traffic accidents by those aged between 18-20 years, then the same line of thought can be applied to raising the drinking age to 25 years or any other age or by just prohibiting alcohol use in general.
Barreca & Page carried out a study on the effect of minimum drinking age on birth outcomes and found out that there is a connection between the legal drinking age and small weights at birth and prematurity of babies at birth (12). Lowering the drinking age is linked to sexual initiation, alcohol intake during the pregnancy period and lack of paternity information. Therefore, accidental pregnancies among teenagers result from lower drinking ages which in turn causes adverse health for new-borns. This means that lowering the legal drinking age would be putting the health of the future generations in jeopardy and those in particular from the African American community. Alcohol intake among the youth results in a 4.7% increase in the probability of pregnancy among the youth (Cintina 54).
Some states in India have recently raised the MLDA for hard liquor from 21 years to 25 years. Historically alcohol in India has been highly regulated as it is not used in the region until India was colonized by the Britons (Luca 31). The states that raised the MLDA’s sighted the need to protect the youth as one of the reasons for this legislation. According to Luca’s study on the contribution of alcohol intake towards violence against women, he finds out that there is a connection between alcohol intake and violence towards women by their spouses (31). Luca observes that restricting access to alcoholic drinks lessens the probability of a partner consuming alcohol as well as being violent to his partner. On the other hand, making alcohol easily accessible means that victimization chances rise. "Thus, by adopting a higher legal drinking age in India states has some positive outcomes" (Luca 32).
A country like Canada has its MLDA set at 19 years in most parts, but in some parts, it remains at 18 years. A study was done by the ‘Canadian Centre on Substance Abuse’ on the mortality rate of youths before they attained the MLDA and after they attained it. It was found out that youth mortality rate increased once they attained the MLDA. In fact, the research suggests that raising the MLDA’s in the few regions that have set them at 18 years would result in saving of seven 18-year males in Canada in a year. This shows that Canada has relatively similar conditions and responses to raising their MLDA as the United States. From the example of India and Canada, it can be seen that youth in many parts of the universe react in the same manner to lowering or raising the MLDA.
This paper has shown both the reasons for raising and reasons for dropping the MLDA in America. This essay has been able to illuminate on how increasing the legal drinking age reduced crime levels, unwanted pregnancies, accidents and psychological conditions. It has also shown clearly that some of these assumed positive effects might not entirely be true as there were other contributors to their achievement and thus raising the MLDA ca not entirely be credited for the outcomes. The paper has pointed out the brain development process and how reliable researches have shown that teenagers being allowed to consume alcohol increase their risk of getting addicted and their cognitive abilities being hindered. Therefore, this essay has compared and contrasted the various arguments in support of the various drinking ages in a bid to illuminate on the discussion of the ideal drinking age. [Your conclusion is weak and does not properly end the essay because it’s just another announcement. A conclusion summarizes and synthesizes the major arguments for and against the lowering of the MLDA. Instead of saying what the essay showed, go straight to the point: What are the major reasons for increasing the MLDA? What are the major reasons for maintaining the current MLDA? How do these arguments illustrate the issue of the ideal drinking age? Revise the conclusion with these questions.]
Work Cited
Barreca, Alan, and E. Page. "A pint for a pound? Reevaluating the relationship between minimum drinking age laws and birth outcomes." Unpublished Working Paper (2012).
Bier, Alea. Evaluating The Effectiveness Of The Uniform Drinking Age Act. 1st ed., 2013, https://studylib.net/doc/8836708/does-the-drinking-age-of-21-really-benefit.
Cintina, Inna. "Essays on the Link Between Alcohol Consumption and Youth Fertility." (2011).
Engs, Ruth C. "Why Drinking Age Should Be Lowered: Dr. Ruth Engs". Indiana.edu. N.p., 2014. Web. 1 May 2017.
Hingson, Ralph, and Aaron White. "New research findings since the 2007 Surgeon General’s Call to Action to Prevent and Reduce Underage Drinking: A review." Journal of studies on alcohol and drugs 75.1 (2014): 158-169.
Luca, Dara Lee, Emily Owens, and Gunjan Sharma. Alcohol Consumption and Violence Against Women. Working Paper, 2014.
Nugent, Georgia. "Raising The Drinking Age To 21 Has Been A Disastrous 30-Year Experiment - Nytimes.Com". Nytimes.Com, 2015, https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2015/02/10/you-must-be-21-to-drink/raising-the-drinking-age-to-21-has-been-a-disasterous-30-year-experiment.
Tietjen, Denali. "Why 21? A Look At Our Nation’S Drinking Age". Boston.Com, 2014, https://www.boston.com/culture/health/2014/07/17/why-21-a-look-at-our-nations-drinking-age.
Vance, Laurence. "Why Is The Drinking Age 21? - The Future Of Freedom Foundation". The Future Of Freedom Foundation, 2013, http://www.fff.org/explore-freedom/article/why-is-the-drinking-age-21/.
