death and dying
gracecanigbata
100aDeathandDyingNotesFall2022.docxTuesday, August 23, 2022
Death and Dying: Sociological Perspectives
PRELUDE
The Sociological (and specifically, the Social Psychological) study of death and dying includes a few priorities. First, the emphasis is more on those who survive the deaths of others. While the process of dying remains, obviously, important and relevant, our orientation to death and dying, as survivors, represents the perspectives of those who have confronted the death of another or others and struggle to adapt to this reality. This struggle is explicitly evident on regard to particular losses that have made a deep impact on us, as survivors of such loss.
Second, from the perspective of the survivor, various powerful emotions can serve as overwhelming reminders of our loss— and our confrontation with a significant breakdown in our familiar social world (or even, social worlds). This breakdown relates to many commonly used phrases and descriptors such as adjusting to “a new normal,” or coping with various “triggers” or reminders of our loss.
1. The Social Psychology of Grief and Bereavement—basically, grief indicates the deep pain of having lost—usually, lost someone through death, but its use is wider than pertaining to the literal end of another’s life. We can grieve over the loss of objects, the lass of place, the loss of people who did not die but disappeared from our sensory world.
Bereavement is more associated with facing the reality of deprivation (which is also painful). Whereas grief pertains to a pure (and raw) emotional state, bereavement pertains to one’s cognitive (mind oriented) orientation in regard to facing reality away from, permanently, the presence of others.
Of sociological interest, grief and bereavement serve two metaphorical masters: one, an internal master represents our own personal and individualistic style— we, as individuals, cope with our emotional despair and loneliness (grief) as we also alter our lifestyle to be in a world without the company of a trusted and valued other. Two, grief and bereavement become a societal issue, often transcending our personal (and idiosyncratic) style. We as a society create normative expectations regarding grief and bereavement—indicating to us what is a “normal duration” associated with feeling (grief) and what constitutes a normal mental adjustment associated with managing everyday life (bereavement).
While internally, the pain of loss endures (and leaves us feeling raw), we are expected to create and maintain a societal post-grief face that manages external impressions. This so-called “post grief face” is a “social lie,” of sorts—it betrays the deep, painful, inner emotion that continues to haunt us.
Thursday, August 25, 2022
1. Death and the Nature of Missing—when someone leaves our life when, emotionally and socially, we are not ready to fully deal with their disappearance, we will naturally miss that person (along with a variety of emotions, including the aforementioned grief. Anger, and confusion). When we miss, we are confronted, among other things, with the limits of our own imagination. We can recall the other, re-engage with internal conversations with this other, but we have lost the spontaneity of the other—the other’s gift of surprising us in ways that make us feel happy about being connected.
1. Closure—or the Myth of Closure? Closure often refers to a commonly described “state” that we often wish to achieve. Specifically, when we use the term closure, we intend to convey that something, especially a loss that invites grief, is “behind us” and “properly buried.” However, as implied in the Readings (the books written by Kalanithi and Didion), things remail “along-side us” and “above ground” forever (or as long as we live). Rather than closure, per se, we attain a particular perspective regarding loss in which we can describe it without feeling that we are in the midst of reliving it.
1. Thinking About and Dealing with the Inevitability of Death Helps Us to Connect Abstract and Concrete Realities of The End. We are more familiar with death as a concrete reality than as an abstract principle that defines our individualist and collective existences. We feel the pain related to the deaths of specific others or the endings of things (living spaces, friendships, careers), but we do not always attempt to link our personal (concrete) pain with more intellectual and philosophical conceptions.
In regard to the latter, death and the overall ending of things provides us with opportunities to create generic concepts—or approaches and ideas—that creatively transforms death from confronting our own mortality to a part of any life course (short or long) experienced by a human being.
“All stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true-story teller who would keep that from you.”
Ernest Hemingway
All significant narratives begin with death.
Class Motto
1. Death and Consciousness of Mortality—while we may have an inborn desire to survive (and, implicitly, an inherent hostility toward death) , we gradually develop an awareness of impermanence—including a sense of powerlessness in regard to the certainty of death
However, awareness of mortality is inherently abstract. We will never, while alive, directly know the experience of death; we learn to live with the concept of death and the distinction between the literal end of life and the end, in general, as a metaphor for lived experience.
1. Death and The Heroic Drift—each individual who attains a consciousness
of the end of life in general and, specifically, the end of one’s own existence in particular, develops a sense of heroic drift—or a defiant insistence that even though we will experience an absolute end, what we do prior to this endpoint is meaningful. We do not exist in vain even though our existence is temporary.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_wg-aZVN7A
1. A Purposive Life—the German philosopher, Martin Heidegger, discussed the notion of Dasein , or a particular way of being that emphasizes a dilemma or paradox of living.
Specifically, the dilemma or paradox involves confronting the absurdity associated with the fleetingness of life (“what’s the point?”) and how we resolve such absurdity by and through establishing a thought out, willful, and conscientious plan that makes us feel useful and “in touch” with others.
The apparent usefulness and human connectedness provide any serious individual with a functional identity—or a definition of one’s self as capable of making contributions to others, even though, deep inside, we know that we are destined to leave this world as alone among others.
As the video that recaps the life (and death) of Tony Stark (aka, Ironman) indicates, Stark begins as one who does not take one’s being or existence seriously (aside from amassing a fortune so as to lead a life of pleasure). He drinks (implicitly, to excess), plays around, and is totally disinterested in the consequences of his transactions (other than to make a profit).
However, Tony Stark’s evolution from playboy/entrepreneur to Ironman symbolizes how me can achieve a meaningful existence—or one that transcends physical and materialistic gratification and becomes a person fighting for a noble cause that helps people rather than creates opportunities for profit.
Stark/Ironman eventually dies, but not before he successfully protects the Time Stone (as he risks his life and faces death “head on..” As Stark/Ironman put it, he was ready and willing to sacrifice his life (and face death explicitly and emotionally) if he could make sure that Thanos could not keep the Time Stone.
1. Benevolent Surrender—drawing on the famous sociologist, Emil Durkheim, part of our consciousness of death involves a transformation from bathos, or mere existence and an accompanying “survival instinct,” to pathos, or an inspired being in this world that recognizes the limits of merely existing and the merits of sacrifice.
From this Durkheimian perspective Tony Stark’s death is a form of “altruistic suicide,” in which a person surrenders his/her/their life to (seemingly) make the world a better place for whom the suicidal person cares.
1. Consciousness and the Parable of the Mustard Seed—two parables from Buddhism and Christianity capture the paradox associated with consciousness of death.
The Buddhist parable of death involves a young woman, Kisa, paralyzed by grief over the death of her baby son. She cannot let go of the son (literally or figuratively). She goes to the Buddha and the Buddha instructs her that, in order to bring her son back to life, Kisa must bring back mustard seeds from her village.
There is one major condition; Kisa must acquire mustard seeds from villagers who have not experienced death in their homes. While all the villagers had mustard seeds, none have households free of death. In the end, Kisa cannot bring the Buddha any mustard seeds as she cannot find the combination of possession of values and freedom from mortality—which is the crux of impermanence.
Jesus educated his followers via a metaphor of the mustard seed, telling his supporters (as indicated in Matthew 17:20) that the mustard seed makes all things possible. The mustard seed begins as the smallest of all seeds, but burgeons into an existence larger than all other garden plants.
Alas, it’s existence cannot endure forever, but while it does, other animals in the garden (e.g., birds) can make use of the large plant for unique purposes (e.g., building nests). In effect, we recognize death as we reflect on how the life of anyone or anything contributes to the lives of others.
1. The Reality of Impermanence—the parable of the mustard seed from Buddhism, deals with the fundamental reality of impermanence —while such a reality seems commonsensical, to fully grasp it one must understand temporality—or how the past and present inform the present and give our present centered lives structure. Grasping the concept of death as it relates to how humans deal with the past and project futures is necessary in order to cope with loss.
1. Death and the Powerful Recognition—the Christian familiarization with death deals with the hard boiled and deep-rooted faith in continuation. Death, as a recognizable finality, nevertheless inspires conviction in our general (humanistic) preservation—we are destined, as individuals, to expire, but we also take comfort and find meaning as we grasp our collective destiny to live on as humans.
1. Death as a Sociological Stranger—despite our awareness of the impermanence of life and how familiar death has become to us via personal experience, media, or various objective reminders (e.g., graveyards), death represents a fundamental interruption of our lived experience that we define as non-habitual or significantly disruptive.
[Clips from Children of Men]
A. The Absurd Characteristics of Death and Strange-Ness—the often untimely aspect of death (as it seems to come out of nowhere and completely transform a social setting, makes death (and causes of death) appear as permanently lurking and consistently unpredictable.
1. Death as a Non-Sequitur—death often comes when we least expect it; the possibility of death, sudden death, lingers as a specter in our lives. When it occurs, it has nothing to do with what preceded it, making it appear absurd.
1. The Death of the Past—while extreme, death, especially sudden death, alters our memories of how our lives begin. The famous novelist, Ernest Hemingway wrote, “All great narratives end in death.” With all due respect, I contend that our great narratives can begin with death—that all which preceded death becomes irrelevant. The Clive Own character in Children of Men has a new purpose in life which makes him forget his past failures.
B. Death as a Stranger in Familiar Situations—Death, even unexpected death, makes its way into our life worlds—or places filled with people we know, love, and with whom we feel comfortable— our sacred circle. Extending the idea of death as an interruption, death also alters our life worlds—as they can transform from sources of comfort to sources of nausea.
While we have a tendency to make death a stranger (and to perceive death as either occurring “somewhere else” or as resulting in interment “on the fringes” of places we live (e.g., cemeteries tend to be on the outskirts, rather than in the middle, of any city or town), death can show up and occur anywhere (which contributes to our anxiety).
[Clip from Buffy the Vampire Slayer]
Tuesday, August 30th
1. The Fated Illusion—Ernest Becker, in The Denial of Death, discussed the anxiety associated with death as rooted in the capacity of death to emerge in places we consider safe— or in havens in worlds that allow us to nurture our connections with those in our life worlds/sacred circles.
In this regard, death represents horror—the sort of horror we have become accustomed to seeing in films and melodramas—in which all seems serene and life has every day, taken-for-granted appearance, but a life changing (or ending) phenomenon lurks out of a person’s awareness.
Death, as a fated illusion (in Becker’s terms) makes the reality of safety (in our homes) an illusion—it can always intrude on our taken-for-granted-sense of serenity.
2. The Shock of Recognition—coined by linguist Edward Hall, we are sometimes confronted with overwhelming sensory stimuli that we cannot immediately process—in Hall’s words, we cannot convert stimuli into coherent information.
Looking back at the parable of the mustard seed , while Christ held that once we recognize death as a foundation of life, we, as individuals, are existentially unequipped to deal with the emergence of the reality of lifeless-ness, especially when we are expecting mundane and taken-for granted life.
3. Death in the Specious Present—specious is a complex philosophical word that indicates appearance (vs, reality) and that which is deceptively real (as opposed to that which is undeniably real—or obdurate).
Given this emphasis on appearance and deceptiveness, the word becomes all the more complex when coupled with the here and now nature of the present. In combining specious with present, we encounter a here and now world that cannot be denied, but what seems confusing or complex, creating possible distortions of what is actually going on or what has actually occurred.
Many times, death is so real and so resistant to our wishes, that we must begin the long and hard process of grief. While I will provide more details about grief, the general and blanket statement is that we grieve so that we can accept the death of another. Whether or not we ever reach a point of complete acceptance, however, cannot be stated. The core aspect of acceptance is acknowledging that no other alternatives aside from the death of another can exist in this world.
Sometimes, even when confronting the rock-solid truth of death and the impossibility of in-this-world alternatives, we do engage in a process of wish fulfillment, or an imaginary in-this-world reality in which desire overpowers common sense.
In Buffy the Vampire Slayer an overwhelmed Buffy imagines that the paramedics save her mother’s life and that Buffy visits her revived mom in the hospital. The contradiction in this context is strong; Buffy is a vampire slayer—she fights and defeats all sorts of strong and ominous opponents. Yet all Buffy can do in the face of her mother’s death is wish for a scenario that is impossible in-this-world.
4. Death and the fractured life world— the life world, as defined by Schutz and Luckmann, is a micro-sociological and “thickly peopled” environment, distinct from fleeting associations. Although as we mature, we gain “global awareness” of a “bigger picture,” but we are also, throughout our lives, more likely to be more micro-oriented, emphasizing our close and enduring ties in our sacred circle.
We are sustained by the primary bonds in our life world and the intense shared histories we establish as we experience significant events “shoulder-to-shoulder.”
As we will see, one of the great impacts of death, as far as humans are concerned, is how such death affects the stability and durability of the life world—or as mentioned above, the sacred circle in our micro world.
In Buffy the Vampire Slayer the life world (and the “earthquake” of death) becomes symbolized in various ways. Obviously, Buffy is shaken by the sudden departure of her mother—and the transformation of mother-to-body; all that which was familiar (the surrounding scene of the household) seems strange (to the point that Buffy experiences nausea); after she calls 911, she immediately calls Giles, her mentor, to provide support but also to indicate that the life world remains.
5. Restorable Reach—losing a vital person in our sacred circle creates the dilemma of missing (as discussed earlier). As pointed out in your conceptual assignments, one way to cope with missing is to turn to the past and create a “semblance” or a “simulated reality” in which we can engage with the one we missed through remembrance of things passed.
As many of you pointed out, one way to cope with missing (and engage in restorable reach) is through “journaling”. The loss of someone vital to one’s life world can make life, at least temporarily, seem absurd—without normalized meaning. The present and the past appear, suddenly, incongruent…a person once “always there” is no longer “being.” This feeling of “not there” or a lack of being, gives one a sense of “nothingness.” One way to deal with such nothingness is to re-imagine, through writing or keeping a journal, a time in the past in which the person existed; another way is to imagine a present in which the person “not there” is “really there, but hidden.”
In Buffy the Vampire Slayer Buffy immediately recounts a Thanksgiving dinner that her mother organized and for which her mother cooked. The people from Buffy’s life world, glued together by this dinner, appear in this image with her mom in the middle of it all. Buffy is not journaling per se, but her remembrance resembles what we do when keeping a journal.
C. Death and Symbolic Reconstruction-- At times, we struggle to connect the past with the present when we deal with the death of a vital person (vital to the life world). We feel that we should know more about the person—and we try to think back to a time when the person did or said something that has current significance. In so doing we create stories/ anecdotes/or sequences of events that can help us create an act of burying the past—and the person with it…even though we will never really feel we have reached complete closure, we engage in an act or a memory that, for the time being, keeps the person buried.
[Clips from Friday Night Lights ]
In Friday Night Lights, Matt Saracen, who has always had a distant relationship with his father (a professional soldier stationed in Afghanistan), learns about his father’s death. The father’s death was violent and the funeral “required” a closed casket. But Matt insists on seeing his fathers’ remains—we do not know what he sees, but he is visible upset. This upsetting sight proves to be a cathartic event, enabling Matt to give a proper eulogy about a fond memory of his father—and become symbolized as Matt grabs a shovel and finishes the burial of his father’s body in the casket.
1. The Hidden Persistence of Death— returning to Ernest Becker and his book, The Denial of Death, we regard death as a form of desertion— and death’s hidden persistence represents our often-unspoken fear of being deserted.
We all know that life ends but we do not always appreciate that we are continuously vulnerable to be confronted by how death reminds us that at any time, we can feel abandoned or deserted. The desertion can become hidden as we are more focused on getting by in our everyday life. However, news about profound loss is always forthcoming, often when we least expect it.
In Friday Night Lights, Matt feels that his father, who had a lifetime commission as an Office in the U.S. Military, would continually abandon the family so as to serve his country in the military. His father’s death makes the abandonment and desertion permanent—and Matt must deal with the reality that the father he barely knew is gone, making getting to know him seem impossible.
Thursday, September 1st
2. Object Catharsis— a concept introduced by Sigmund Freud. As Freud viewed such catharsis (or the feeling of creating a solid narrative) we become significantly altered by information we learn about those who have passed away.
In this regard, object catharsis refers to a realization that the departed had a perspective and life beyond one’s own grief…the catharsis enables us to “take the role of the departed other” and, at least temporarily, stand in this departed other’s shoes. This cathartic event occurred when Matt when saw his father in the closed casket—realizing that whatever his father was, personally speaking, his devotion to service was real (and took his life and body).
3. Articulation— as you all know, articulation in general, is a process of expressing thoughts—and doing so as clearly as possible. In regard to symbolic reconstruction, articulation signifies a particular story or narrative that defines a person in the moment— and especially, that defines part of the favorable essence of the person. Often, articulation creates a counter-narrative by which we can remember a person favorably—in a flattering light.
Articulation is often a way to deal with mixed feelings associated with the death of a vital other. Matt, upon learning about and dealing with his father’s death, experiences colliding emotions that make him sad, confused, frustrated, angry, numb, and resentful. Reaching articulation, Matt is able to turn these emotions into a source ofpower so as to provide a publicly presentable and moving eulogy.
In Friday Night Lights, Matt gives the eulogy for his father at the funeral. Matt, engaging in restorable reach, selects one memory of his father (at a supermarket) that he (matt) regarded as funny. He tells this story so as to make what he heard about his father (reportedly a prankster—something Matt never experienced) more in line with a memory of his father. The articulation, in this context, represents an effort to match an item from the past with a perception with which one (in this scenario, Matt) can be satisfied.
4. Return to the Myth of Closure—as noted earlier, myth does not mean that which is untrue or that which is misleading…myth, in this context signifies a key element of mythology—which is to bury the dead and move on…the act of burying provides an “undeniable disappearance” from which one can use as a beginning of new appearances—and new lives.
Tuesday, September 6th
1. The Survivor Identity--—The notion of survivor is used in many contexts, but in this particular class it applies specifically to those remaining in the life world after one of the vital members of this world has died. In this regard, the survivor identity could be considered an evocative identity—in that it is defined by powerful emotions, including anger, guilt, shame, and a cycle of confusion in which one experiences various (and contradictory) emotions simultaneously.
A. Survivor Guilt—on the surface, we all know that this concept refers to a type of grief felt by one who has escaped death and feels as if he/she caused another’s death by and through this escape . Survivor guilt, then, symbolizes another way in which death becomes the haunting. The guilty survivor, traumatized by death of another in conjunction with his/her survival, actively and intentionally sets out to harm him/herself.
[Clips from Ordinary People]
In Ordinary People, Conrad, a high school senior, is tormented by the death of his older brother, Buck. Conrad and Buck took their small sailboat out on a sailboat cruise in Lake Michigan. When a powerful storm comes the boat capsizes.
Both Conrad and Buck attempt to hang onto the boat as they are in the deep water. However, Buck loses control and drifts away—eventually drowning. . Conrad blames himself for the accident and death of Buck; in deep pain, he attempts suicide and is sent to a therapeutic (“mental health” hospital.
After his return from the hospital, Conrad attempts to get re-situated at home and school, but is still haunted by Buck’s death. Encouraged by his father, Calvin, who plays a more nurturing role than his mother, Beth, Conrad begins a therapeutic relationship with Doctor Becker.
Conrad has trouble re-connecting with his best friend, getting re-acquainted with his friend, Karen, from the hospital (who does not want to acknowledge her previous troubles), and becoming intimate with a girl he likes, Jeannine, but cannot express his feelings for her.
One of the real bright spots in Conrad’s life (as a survivor) occurs as he gets to know Jeannine, who sings in the choir (in which Conrad also sings). Jeannine is not only a romantic interest, but proves to be a very empathetic and sensitive friend who accepts Conrad and sincerely wants him to feel better about himself
After several visits to Dr. Becker’s Office and an awkward “date” with Jeannine, Conrad discovers that Karen has committed suicide. Panic stricken, disoriented, and devastated, Conrad calls Dr. Becker late at night. Dr. Becker agrees to meet Conrad in his Office. This meeting represents the first of several climaxes in the film.
After Conrad’s revealing meeting with Dr. Becker, he then visits Jeannine and we as an audience can reasonably conclude that Conrad and Jeannine will be socially and even romantically connected in the near future.
Thursday, September 8th
1. Anhedonia—one symptom of survivor guilt is the failure to experience joy—or any positive emotion that can help one manage terror and dread. The only escape from terror and dread is via extreme emotional attachment, involving the denial of deep feelings.
Anhedonia also comes with very dramatic symptoms including deep fear (of being included), an inability to communicate (even when one desires to do so) with empathetic and sympathetic others, and a reluctance to share the deep emotions (e.g., grief) one has.
2. Haunting Triggers—Conrad, whose appearance resembles someone from The Walking Dead is obsessed with Buck’s death (and the hole his death created in Conrad’s life world) and haunted by it to the point that anything, at any time, can serve as a death reminder. One haunted by another’s death becomes, in turn, haunted by the emergent death reminders that, almost uncontrollably, pop into his/her head.
3. Bonding Complications—we all know what bonding entails, which, at the very least, involves mutual shared experiences. In Ordinary People, we see two types of bonding with which Conrad struggles: one, focused bonding occurs as two people express mutual interest in experiencing things together and create mutual responsiveness; two, unfocused bonding occurs when two people who have a history of focused bonding, begin to experience difficulties associated with creating new experiences (and mutual responsiveness).
In Ordinary People, Conrad experiences complications in regard to bonding. On the one hand, the focused bonding he experienced with Karen while at the mental health hospital, becomes unfocused ( an emotional reversal ) owing, in part, to Karen’s reluctance to deal with the past. On the other hand, Conrad fails to connect in a focused way with Jeannine, owing, in part, to Conrad’s emotional inflexibility , related to his haunting in regard to Buck’s death and related anhedonia.
B. Through the Looking Glass—a broad psychoanalytic term that, in this context, refers to the initial resolution of survivor guilt and the haunting associated with loss of a significant member of a survivor’s life world. Conrad, must change the internal process of seeing himself (as one who cannot cope) as a survivor—as one who is responsible for his own survival rather than another’s (brother Buck) failure to survive.
1. Heroic Failure—coined by Ernest Becker, one experiencing survivor guilt has complex mixed emotions regarding the loss of a significant member of the life world, such as Buck. Conrad idolized Buck—and to Conrad, Buck represented the person Conrad desires to imitate (or “be like”).
But Buck “let go” of the boat that capsized—he gave up. That Buck did give up enrages Conrad on the inside, but he cannot express this rage and attempts to suppress it—which contributes to the haunting.
2. Turning point confrontation—refers to being confronted with a dramatic, unexpected, and (usually) unwanted event with which a person must deal immediately. The event one confronts cannot be denied and often creates inner panic, demanding rapid resolution.
In Ordinary People, Conrad confronts the news about Karen’s suicide, which ignites an immediate desire to meet with his psychiatrist. The suicide, certainly unexpected and unwanted, nonetheless becomes a turning point for Conrad as he begins to resolve his survivor guilt.
3. Implied Objectivity—begins a process of self-forgiveness; in particular, it begins a process of being able to see one’s self as a survivor who wishes to live. Through this complicated process, Conrad can see himself as his brother or another person sees him as he struggles to survive.
With the help of Dr. Becker, he engages in a role-playing type of therapy in which he has a simulated conversation with his brother during the fateful moments after the boat capsizes. During this conversation, Conrad experiences thirdness, a process of seeing himself see himself as if he were a third party, observing the scene.
In Ordinary People, Conrad begins his journey into self-awareness by first reacting as if he might do something extreme—we see signs of panic, but we do not see that he is in the process of formulating a plan of action that will direct him to his psychiatrist, Dr. Becker
Tuesday, September 13th
1. Congruent Survivor Identities--—as specified above, the survivor concept applies to remaining in a life world after a vital member of that world has died.
The survivor concept, as defined above, has applied to an individual’s struggle to cope with the loss of this departed vital person—and the coinciding efforts of the individual to nurture and construct focused bonds.
This survivor concept becomes all the more complicated when two or more individuals, who have created and maintained intimate focused bonds, must suddenly cope together after losing a loved one who contributed to the essential meaning of a focused bond.
One of the more dramatic occurrences that threaten the intimate focused bond involves how a married couple (symbolizing the social atom of our society) must try to cope with the loss of a child—which deviates from the socially expected sequence of familial death (as the children are supposed to bury the parents rather than the other way around).
[Clips from Rabbit Hole ]
In Rabbit Hole Becca (played by Nicole Kidman) and Howie (played by Aaron Eckhart) are coping with the death of their son Danny, who died after getting hit by an automobile (driven by a boy named Jason, played by Miles Teller). Danny ran into the street, chasing the family dog. His death just happened; no one could have done anything to prevent it.
The movie portrays the grief endured by Becca and Howie as they struggle to maintain and nurture their focused bonding. Although both still love each other and want to stay together, both begin keeping secrets from each other and begin to separate themselves, emotionally, from one another.
Becca’s grief is portrayed more intensely than Howie’s grief and includes tensions that Becca has with her sister, Izzy (played by Tammy Blanchard) , and, especially, her mother, Nan (played by Diane Wiest).
Becca’s biggest secret, however, occurs when she tracks down Jason (played by Miles Teller) out of Howie’s awareness. Becca and Jason begin meeting, as survivors, and bond in regard to the accident that killed Danny. While the meetings appear innocent (and even healthy), they do represent an evasion, especially in regard to Becca’s intimate relationship with Howie.
Howie also struggles, but differently than Becca. He appears more willing to go through the stages of grief, especially with the help of a support group. In this group, he befriends Gabby (played by Sandra Oh).
One of the key questions regarding the film has to do with the fate of Becca and Howie as a couple—will their focused bond, which borders on the unfocused, survive? Another question has to do with whether or not Becca and Nan can resolve their own tensions, as Nan has also lost a son (Becca’s brother) due to a drug overdose.
The film shows us that grief is a circular and looping process in which one does not merely begin to accept the death of a vital member of the life world. It also shows that the emotions associated with grief are more nuanced and socially constructed, involving the complexity associated with a relationship.
Thursday, September 15th
A. Disconsolance —applies to a grave threat to an otherwise robust and intimate focused bond that, like a marriage, is defined in accord with an intensive and extensive shared history. The shared history within such a bond is still connected to a shared future, but the overwhelming grief in regard to loss (especially, the loss of a child), invites a present-centered inertia that dulls the passion of an intimate focused bond and threatens its potential dissolution.
1. The Spector of an Untimely Death—returning the notion of a haunting, the intimate couple who has experienced a mutual loss can also experience a range of interactional awareness.
In particular, a couple strives to experience and maintain open awareness—or a commitment to share that which is essential to maintain healthy and enduring intimacy.
However, and especially in the wake of grief, an intimate couple can experience less positive interactional awareness. They may engage in a pretense awareness, in which things that should be said are not said.
They can also find themselves in a paradoxical suspicion awareness, in which the couple does not fully trust each other as being able to provide necessary social support. The suspicion awareness can lead to unproductive conflict, in which necessary issues become explicit, but do not get resolved.
The most serious threat that can interfere with the progress of a grieving couple is closed awareness, in which the couple deliberately hides from one another and, often, turns to others outside of the relationship for support.
In Rabbit Hole, Howie and Becca experience, to a degree, all four types of interactional awareness. They are open enough to share secrets together (and prepared to “back up” any stories they decide to tell. However, they both engage in pretense by deliberately avoiding topics, especially how they feel about Danny and how they have stopped being practically intimate.
We also see how they engage in various forms of suspicious awareness when expressing disagreements (in regard to the grief-meetings) and especially, when engaging in conflict about intimacy issues.
As Becca finds comfort talking with Jason (without informing Howie) and Howie finds comfort in his interactions with Gabby, both Becca and Howie construct closed awareness, which can be a sign of a fractured relationship.
2. Differential Sorrow—while we all experience grief uniquely, we also run the risk of isolating ourselves while being part of a sacred social group (such as a marriage). As individuals in a sacred group begin to grieve independently of each other, they also find solace (or lack any feeling of solace) away from the other, which can create potentially damaging chasms within a focused (and sacred) bond.
The secrecy in regard to grieving makes for a contradiction: separate togetherness. The intimate couple continues their shared walk-through life, but the continuation is more of a presentation of public togetherness than a felt reality of being together in private.
In Rabbit Hole, Howie finds comfort in replaying (on his phone) videos of times when he, Danny, and Becca would play together, However, he seeks this comfort in his own private space (in the darkness of the living room). Becca, on the other hand, cannot find any “good place to grieve” until, as we will see, she meets up with Jason, the boy who, while feeling remorse, accidentally killed Danny.
On the other hand, Becca is attempting to “move on” without any of the “therapeutic tools” at her disposal—making moving on a difficult and awkward process. Relatedly, Becca’s obvious and seemingly inconsolable grief, and responses by others, creates awkward conversations (that make the aforementioned open awareness difficult to achieve when interacting with Becca.
One example of the difficulty in constructing open awareness (between Becca and people in her life world) occurs in regard to Becca and her sister Izzy—when Becca discovers that Izzy is pregnant, but realizes that she is one of the last to know about Izzy’s condition. Becca and Izzy, as sisters, have created a focused bond in which no secrets ever existed and yet, Izzy, who finds herself walking on eggshells with Becca, was worried that news of her pregnancy might make Becca sad.
B. Intimacy and The Grief Complex —involves a combination of social factors including the undeniable past (in which a life-turning death shook the foundations of a relationship, how each affected by the past attempt to “abide” in the present, styles of mourning and interactional awareness, mentioned above, and unanticipated sources of comfort (and discomfort) that make the survivor’s journey a treacherous one.
The grief complex encompasses three major emotional elements: a) being overwhelmed—unable to cope, immediately with the aforementioned “shock of recognition;” b) desperation—especially in regard to solving that which cannot be solved; and c) deep feeling—experiencing an emotion (sorrow) that becomes lodged in one’s soul, as the drippings of a candle become lodged onto the candle itself.
1. Cracks in the Deep Bonds—one of the problems of dealing with the onset of grief (especially the sudden onset of an unanticipated death that seems to “come out of nowhere,” is that the events and sequences leading up to loss (and, often, following such loss), become entangled in a deep and intense shared history, as in the case of Becca and Howie.
While it might be (or seem) commonsensical to assume that trauma can bring people together (and, at times, it certainly does), we return to how grief becomes part of our individualistic emotive style as well. Grief will invite many shared emotional responses, but it also becomes demonstrated and enacted as a person goes about being a unique (and private) griever. T
The may experience some cracks in the focused bond—in that one may censor her/himself instead of operating at full disclosure, or in a way that compromises the quality of the focused bond.
Over the course of the film, in regard to how Danny’s death becomes remembered by Becca and Howie, each, who have built a history of doing things together, have now created individualistic paths of retreat—and in particular, retreat from one another.
As the sadness and weight of loss settles in, Becca and Howie realize that they are, indeed, grieving separately (and, as implied, in ways that one—Becca—does not approve of how the other—Howie—grieves. In the process, Becca and Howie contribute to closed awareness interactional styles, further separating them.
As mentioned, and somewhat ironically, Howie and Becca seem to only engage in open styles of interactional awareness when engaging in conflict—as, for instance, when Howie makes the accusation (or perhaps the suggestion) that Becca is “erasing the past” by erasing videos of Danny (we never really know), sending the dog to her mom’s house, getting rid of Danny’s clothes, and “storing” Danny’s artwork in boxes (that may never be found).
Becca and Howie create parallel secrecy as they move away from one another and turn to others ( secondary grief) who can also partially understand the grief, but offer new eyes and new souls by which to allow for an understanding without the intimate weight.
Becca and Howie engage in symbolic bargaining in the form of reaching out to others—Becca reaches out to Jason, the boy who accidentally killed Danny and feels deep remorse. Becca can feel things with Jason and knows that Jason’s grief is sincere, allowing her to “play mom.”
Howie reaches out to Gabby as a cis-gendered man would reach out to a cis-gendered (and consensual) woman. Howie turns to Gabby with whom he can have fun—but the fun is restricted to a platonic way friendship
Both Becca and Howie realize the limits of their attempts to reframe as they wish to remain committed to each other— Becca understands that she cannot be a mother to Jason and that he must move on; Howie realizes that he cannot be unfaithful to Becca.
3. Ordinary Sadness—Becca and Howie represent an intimate dyad that must resolve an ongoing “emotional gravitation pull” as they cope with the loss of Danny. In so doing, they struggle with acceptance. While not the most uplifting thought, Becca and Howie must know and realize that they will not, fully, live “happily ever after.” Indeed, they will live sadly ever after. However, such sadness does not have to be all defining—it can serve as a symbolic reminder of the healing power of love.
Ordinary sadness involves many a process of moving through complicated dramas—from anger to acceptance. Three in particular appear in Rabbit Hole :
1. Acting Out—on the surface, acting out seems far from ordinary; it involves the seemingly inappropriate expression of emotions, including violent (physical/verbal) outbursts. However, acting out is an extension of anger which bridges denial-acceptance through an expulsion of suppression. The person acting out can begin to finally reach out. In Rabbit Hole, three types of acting out emerge: unleashed accountability (acceleration of suspicion); gratuitous intrusion (stepping in and crossing social boundaries), and latent hostility (taking profound sadness out, inappropriately) on someone to blame.
1. Analogue Grief—Becca initially and forcefully rejects Nan’s attempt to show Becca that she (Nan) can relate to her (Becca) by comparing the death of Nan’s son (caused by a heroin overdoses) and Becca’s brother to Danny’s death. The deaths, of course, have nothing in common, but from Nan’s perspective, they involve the loss of a child—the way one loses a child is irrelevant; the loss leaves a deep pain. Becca finally allows for the possibility of such grief.
1. The Lesson of the Stone—in a telling scene, Becca asks Nan (and finally allows herself to get close to Nan), if the pain ever goes away. Nan says, “No.” and then proceeds to provide a lesson of a stone in one’s pocket. All who experience death (as we discussed with the mustard seed) carry such a stone in our pocket.
4. Our Immediate Footsteps—in the end, Becca and Howie realize that they are together in the moment and all that they can really know is such momentary togetherness—not only that, but such togetherness is all they can really depend on. The future is only hypothetical—it appears, but only as a new present. At best, we can anticipate a few new presents, but only a few
