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TH E FAM ILY AN D TH E C H ILD :

A PSYC H O LO G IC AL VIEW

UMass Boston

Psych 441

Peggy Vaughan

Transition to Adulthood

Love, Relationships and Attachment

Links to Couplehood and Marriage

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TOPICS

• Transition to Adulthood • Adult attachments; family attachment

• Couple subsystem/Marital subsystem: Couple and marital tasks

• Communication and intimacy: Adam video – one “chapter”

• Note: These slides include several key attachment concepts, which we will review briefly before focusing on family attachment and adult attachment

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YO U N G A D U LT H O O D ( WA L S H , 2 0 1 6 )

§ All stages have individual and interpersonal factors

§ Is the ideal a self apart from others or in relation to others?

§ Tasks of young adulthood

§ Coming to terms with family of origin

§ Entering the adult world of work

§ New forms of relationships

§ Ideally forming or becoming a “self ” before joining with another – a partner - to form a new family subsystem.

§ W hile separation and autonomy are valued in different ways, caring and connections have strong values as well, as demonstrated by the work of Carol Gilligan.

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AT TAC H M E N T R E V I E W

Key concepts from John Bowlby and M ary Ainsworth

• attachment in the making • proximity-seeking • felt-security • secure base • balance of safety and

exploration • reaction or response to

separation, stress and reunions

• internal working model

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B OW L B Y ’ S E T H O L O G I C A L T H E O RY O F AT TAC H M E N T

• Begins with innate signals that keep parent nearby

• Affectionate bond forms over time:

• Preattachment (birth to six weeks)

• Attachment-in-the-making (6 weeks to 6-8 months

• Clear-cut attachment; separation anxiety (6–8 months to 18 months–2 years)

• Formation of reciprocal relationship (18 months to 2 years and continuing on through childhood)

• Internal working model: expectations about availability of attachment figures

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ATTACHMENT IN THE MAKING

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J O H N B O W L B Y ( A T T A C H M E N T A N D L O S S , 1 9 6 9

& 1 9 8 2 )

• Child develops an internal working model of their caregiver linked to a set of expectations and beliefs as to how caregiver (s) will care and respond.

• The child’s expectations transfer to other relationships in life: teachers, friends, adult partners/spouses.

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M A RY A I N S WO RT H

• Mary Ainsworth: In the 1970’s Ainsworth developed a procedure for assessing child attachment in the Strange Situation.

• Styles: 1) Secure; 2) Insecure-Avoidant; 3) Insecure-Anxious/Ambivalent (a fourth pattern of disorganized was added and defined later.)

• In the attachment research and literature, these patterns are viewed as prototypes for later attachments.

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M E A S U R I N G AT TA C H M E N T S E C U R I T Y : R E S P O N S E S TO T H E S T R A N G E S I T U AT I O N

§ Secure attachment: Baby uses parent as secure base, expresses clear pleasure when parent returns.

§ Three Insecure patterns:

§ Avoidant attachment: Baby seems unresponsive to parent, slow to greet parent on reunion.

§ Insecure-resistant attachment: Baby seeks closeness to parent, is distressed or angry when parent returns.

§ Disorganized/disoriented attachment: Reflects greatest insecurity; baby shows confused, contradictory behaviors.

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A D U LT- A D U LT AT TAC H M E N T

• A major difference between adult-adult attachment and the parent-child relationship attachment is that the attachment behavior system in adults is reciprocal: adult partners are not assigned to or set in the role of "attachment figure/caregiver" or "attached individual/ care receiver”.

• Both attachment behavior and serving as an attachment figure should be observable in individuals, and the two roles may shift rapidly between the partners.

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A N E W U S E O F AT TAC H M E N T I N T H E A P P ROAC H TO PA R E N T I N G

• The term attachment parenting was coined by Sears and Sears to refer to a parenting approach that emphasizes responding sensitively to the needs of babies and children. Many of their ideas come from parenting their own eight children, as well as from their pediatric practice; some are from anthropologists’ observations of indigenous childrearing practices (thought to be more “natural”); and some (like emotional responsiveness) are consistent with research findings.

• This approach is not the same as the attachment models and categories developed from the attachment research work of Bowlby, Ainsworth and others.

• We will talk more about parenting styles in the discussion of parenthood Week 8.

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ADULT-ADULT ATTACHMENT

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AT TAC H M E N T S T Y L E S I N A D U LT S

• What are adults’ capacity for intimacy and emotional attachment?

• The need for and the role of felt security and internal working model in adult relationships (Feeny & Noller,1990; Crowell, Treboux, et al, 2002).

• There are equivalent counterparts to the three original child attachment styles in the attachment styles of adults.

• Secure • Avoidant • Anxious-Ambivalent

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A D U LT AT TA C H M E N T

S T Y L E S

• Adults with secure attachment styles

• report positive early family relationships.

• describe trusting attitudes towards others.

• view themselves as friendly and likeable.

• find it easy to get close to others.

• feel comfortable with dependence on others and others depending on them.

• Feeny & Noller (1990); Hazen & Shaver (1994); Bretherton (2002)

• http://labs.psychology.illinois.e du/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

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A D U LT AT TA C H M E N T

S T Y L E S

• Adults with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style.. • view others as unreliable and

unable to commit.

• see their relationships as having less interdependence, trust and satisfaction when compared to the securely attached.

• experience others as being reluctant to get as close as they would like them to be.

• worry that their partners don’t really love them.

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A D U LT AT TA C H M E N T

S T Y L E S

• Adults with an avoidant attachment style..

• view relationships as less than satisfying and intimate as compared to those who are securely attached.

• feel uncomfortable being close to others.

• find it difficult to trust and depend on others.

• become nervous when others are too close.

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R E S E A R C H : AT TAC H M E N T H I S TO R I E S

• Dating Couples • Individuals with a securely attached style are generally attracted

to securely attached.

• Individuals with insecurely attached style tend to match up with insecurely attached.

• Married Couples • Securely attached report higher relationship satisfaction, higher

trust, greater supportiveness and positive self-disclosure.

• Securely attached also discuss conflicting goals more openly and maintain constructive communication.

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R E C E N T R E E A R C H

• A recent study in which romantic couples were randomly assigned to touching or nontouching conditions demonstrated the positive effect of touch for producing feelings of emotional security (Jakubiak & Feeney, 2016). Repeated intimate contact surrounding caregiving in infancy and sexual encounters in adulthood is rewarding, and at least partly responsible for the development of emotional interdependence (Zeifman & Hazan, 2016).

• As a result of repeated, soothing physical contact, one hallmark feature of attachment relationships is that they are mutually physiologically regulating (Zeifman, 2019).

• Infants use their caregivers as a source of comfort, the person to retreat to in times of distress. Similarly, adults seek partners to reduce aversive arousal.

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H E T E RO S E X UA L A N D S A M E - S E X C O U P L E S

• Research has suggested that the similarities between same- sex and heterosexual couples far outweigh the differences, both in relationship quality and the processes regulating satisfaction and commitment (Peplau & Fingerhut, 2007). A few studies have supported this view with respect to attachment, given findings that attachment security is associated with same-sex relationship satis faction (Elizur & Mintzer, 2003; Kurdek, 2002; Ridge & Feeney, 1998), commitment (Kurdek, 1997, 2002), and communication quality (Gaines & Henderson, 2002).

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F I N D I N G S O N A N X I E T Y A N D AVO I DA N C E I N C O U P L E

• Consistent with research on heterosexuals, results from a large community sample of same-sex couples indicated that attachment anxiety and avoidance in both partners are linked with less positive relationship evaluations and experiences. (Mohr, Selterman, &. Fassinger, 2013).

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FA M I LY AT TAC H M E N T

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SEC U RITY IN TH E FA M ILY: TH E C O N C EPT O F A SEC U RE

FA M ILY B A SE

• From a family systems perspective, Byng-Hall suggests that the family contributes to attachment by providing a secure family base.

• Definition of secure family base: “a family that provides a reliable and readily available network of attachment relationships, and appropriate caregivers, from which all members of the family are able to feel sufficiently secure to explore their potential” (Byng-Hall, 1999, p. 627).

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SYSTEMS THEORY: FRAMEWORK FOR THINKING

ABOUT ATTACHMENTS

• Family interaction cycles influence attachment. • Circular causality (e.g., feedback loops) in family systems influences

mutuality.

• Family rules and organizational structures influence aspects of attachment (e.g., caregiving behavioral system, exploratory behavioral system, and attachment behavioral system).

• Distance Regulation in the Family System • “Too Close – Too Far” Couple and Family Systems

• Triangulation of Others as Distance Regulators • Illnesses and Emotional Problems that Become Distance Regulators

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W H Y F O C U S O N AT TAC H M E N T ?

• Attachment relationships between adults often serve a wide variety of other functions, including sexual bonds, companionship, sense of competence, and shared purpose or experience.

• Family attachments strengthen and support families when facing stressors and at times of adaptation and potential growth.

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ADULT RELATIONSHIPS

Stages of Relationships

Communication and Intimacy

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T H O U G H T Q U E S T I O N S

What are the common definitions of relationship

commitment, marriage and marriage-like

relationships/couplehood?

How do the tasks learned and understood as a child

and adolescent (family- based and psychological tasks) link to the transition to couple

and/or marital tasks?

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PA RT N E R I N G A N D M AT E S E L E C T I O N C O N C E P T S

A N D E R S O N & S A B AT E L L I ,

C H . 7 ( 2 0 1 1 )

• Selection • Negotiation • Tests and filters • Reciprocity • Comparisons, attraction, turning points • Family and past experiences • Values and expectations

• Love • Commitment

• Attachment theory and styles • Intimacy • Communication

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M AT E O R C O M PA N I O N S E L E C T I O N

• Mate selection as a journey or the active unfolding of expectations and partner seeking.

• All the expectations are present and active. • Factors for the discussion of mate selection • Focus on commitment; beliefs about cohabitation; commitment

and marriage; delayed partnering - adults remaining single longer (postponing due to education or other life plans and goals); deciding to parent without committed relationship; deciding not to have children.

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R E L AT I O N S H I P T H E O R I E S

• Relationships have a developmental sequence. • Relationships have stages/phases (Anderson and Sabatelli, 2011.) • Initial, intermediate, later stages

• Stimulus, Value, Role (Murstein)

• Theory of Dyadic Formation (Lewis)

• Social Exchange Perspectives • Economic metaphor--extended markets

• Costs and rewards and the process of filtering

• Interdependence is needed for satisfaction and having needs met; mutuality needed for trust and commitment.

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C O M M U N I C A T I O N I N C L O S E

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

• Styles and levels of disclosure • Thinking together • Private message system in

partnerships

• Overt and covert (intent) messages (Day, 2010)

• Verbal and non-verbal • Content and mood messages; facial

cues, and expressions

• Decoding

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L I N G U I S T I C S A N D I N T I M AC Y

• Conversation is made up of linguistic features. • repetition

• dialogue

• imagery

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C O N V E R S AT I O N A L S T Y L E S

• Deborah Tannen’s Highly Discussed Research (1990). You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

• There are goals and efforts in conversation and communication with heterosexual and same-sex couples.

• Focus on positive aspects: congruence, listening, healthy dialogue and understanding.

• Self-esteem is linked to the capacity for expression and understanding.

• Rules within an intimate relationship; couples have a private message system.

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TA N N E N : PA RT N E R C O N V E R S AT I O N A N D

C O M M U N I C AT I O N G O A L S / I N T E N T I O N S

• Independence vs. Intimacy • Advice vs. Understanding • Information vs. Feelings • Orders vs. Proposals • Conflict vs. Compromise

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QUESTI ONS TO

CONS I DER

• What impact do styles and histories have on forming and continuing relationships and commitments?

• What other individual characteristics and factors and variables guide healthy and viable relationships? Do personality, temperament, beliefs, etc. have influence?

• What else can facilitate or impact relationship development and communication?

• View and discussion of Adam film clip.

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A DA M ( 2 0 0 9 ) V I D E O C L I P

• A romantic character study examining the obstacles to intimacy and the compromises we make in the name of love, Adam stars Hugh Dancy as a man living with Asperger's syndrome who does his best to reach out to his pretty new upstairs neighbor.

• Due to his condition, Adam isn't the best when it comes to communicating. He is lonely and frequently escapes interactions by submersing himself in the world of the intellect as with his knowledge of space exploration.

• Adam senses an opportunity for a real human connection after Beth (Rose Byrne) moves into the apartment just upstairs.

• As Adam attempts to gain control of his off-kilter, sometimes embarrassing social skills, he discovers that with a little patience and understanding, developing a meaningful relationship might not be as hard as he previously thought.

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COUPLES/UNIONS MARITAL SUBSYSTEMS

Healthy Couples/Unions, Healthy Families

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C O U P L E / M A R I TA L S U B S YS T E M

• Key Language • Marriages, couplehood, unions and commitment

• Factors to consider • Patterns of interactions

• Regulating distances

• Themes

• Roles and responsibilities

• Conjugal identities

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T Y P E S O F M A R R I AG E S O R M A R R I AG E L I K E - C O U P L I N G S

• Relationships on a continuum • Intimate relationships; levels and length of commitment.

• Long term partners and intimate companions

• Traditional marriages -------Experimental marriages

• Types: Arranged, open, others?

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M A R R I AG E

Marriage in Psychology (APA Definition)

The social institution in which two (or, less frequently, more) people commit themselves to a socially sanctioned relationship in which sexual intercourse is legitimated and there is legally recognized responsibility for any offspring as well as for each other. Although there are exceptions, the marital partners typically live together in the same residence.

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C O M M O N - L AW M A R R I AG E

• A relationship between an unmarried but long-term cohabiting couple that is considered legally equivalent to marriage. Most states in the United States do not recognize common-law marriages, although cohabitees may be regarded as equivalent to married partners for some purposes.

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D O M E S T I C PA RT N E R S H I P

• Two people who live together in a stable, intimate relationship and share the responsibilities of a household in the same way that a married couple would. Some states and companies in the United States and some other countries provide legal and economic rights to domestic partners (e.g., insurance and death benefits) that are similar to those granted to married couples.

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S A M E - S E X M A R R I AG E

A long-term, intimate, stable, and legally recognized relationship between two people of the same sex (in the United States*). It is less frequently called homosexual marriage. Also called gay marriage.

*On June 26, 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down all state bans on same-sex marriage, legalized it in all fifty states, and required states to honor out-of-state same-sex marriage licenses in the case Obergefell v. Hodges.

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M A R R I AG E D E F I N E D I N S YS T E M S T H E O RY

• A specific family subsystem comprising of adults from two different families of origins who have bonded together to form what they intend to be a stable and long-term cohabitating relationship (Anderson and Sabatelli, 2011).

• What is missing in this definition?

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A N T H RO P O L O G I C A L A N D S O C I E TA L / C U LT U R A L V I E W S

Marriage

• All societies have customs governing how and under what circumstances sex and reproduction can occur–generally marriage plays a central role in these customs.

• Marriage is a socially approved union that united two or more individuals as spouses. Implicit in this union is that there will be sexual relations, procreation, and permanence in the relationship.

• Sample Functions: 1. Marriage regulates sexual behavior. 2. Marriage fulfills the economic needs of marriage partners. 3. Marriage perpetuates kinship groups. 4. Marriage provides one institution for the care and enculturation of children.

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