can you give feedback to my peers/classmate (follow the red guide please) 1 paragraph

profileLiz2013

Review and respond with constructive feedback to at least two of your classmates In the revision process, it is helpful to have someone else read your writing to help determine if your intended message is clearly comprehended.

 

Crunch Time: Local Father Loses 50 lbs. During Summer Vacation

        Bob bates was an older man, who had three kids and a lovely wife. They had been married for 20 years and his anniversary was coming up and he wanted to  do something special for his wife this year. He had planned to renew their vows and his children had helped him to keep it a secret from her for a few months prior to the date so when it was only a few more months away, that summer, he told her all about his plans and she was very happy and couldn't wait for that summer to come. He did eventually notice he had one little problem; over the past few months, he had picked up a few pounds and could no longer fit into the suit that he had brought for the date but he only needed to lose 50 pounds to be able to fit into it. "This will be hard at my age..." He was telling himself this daily, so he kept putting it off until one of his kids came to him out of the blue one day while he was outside mowing the lawn "Dad, the date is almost here and you still cant fit that suit...you really need to do something about that." They were all worried for him because he really seemed not to care about it as much as they thought, but they couldn't have been more wrong.

           A few days after his oldest came to him and told him that about his weight, he tried to start working out and changed his eating habits, but it only lasted two weeks and he had not lost enough to fit the suit and that worried him so, he seeked out a doctor for help but he still failed once again and now the date was only a few weeks away and he was desperate to fit into that suit and look nice for his wife. Question is can he do it? will he be able to lose the 50 pounds he needed to fit into that suit for his vow renewal? Everyone wanted to know, even him but he didn't give up, he kept pushing himself and one week before the date came he had lost his 50 pounds plus a few extra and it was just in time. But don't worry he kept it up and he didn't go back to how he was before all that started.

I was able to read back over it and see where I had a few misspellings and fixed those errors and also fixed my capitalization problems in many places. I went and attempted to fix the fact that I did not have it in the correct style and made it so that it was. after reviewing it myself I did see it needed improvement and did what was needed to fix the problems.

 

 

    • 8 years ago
    • 5
    Answer(0)