Oppositional Defiant Disorder

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Parenting

J a m e s C . D o b s o n , P h . D .

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Parenting by James C. Dobson, Ph.D.

For more than three decades, Dr. James Dobson has been America’s leading authority and advocate for the family. Taken from the bestseller, Dr. Dobson’s Handbook of Family Advice, this Special Report is full of helpful information for families at all stages. Let’s read along now as Dr. Dobson discusses Parenting:

Sending the Roots Down Deep

Contrary to what some parents may believe, the ideal environment for a child is not one devoid of problems and trials. Though it’s hard to accept at the time, your children need the minor setbacks and disappointments that come their way. How can they learn to cope with problems and frustrations if their early experiences are totally without trial? Nature tells us so. A tree that’s planted in a rain forest is never forced to extend its roots downward in search of water. Consequently, it remains poorly anchored and can be toppled by even a moderate wind.

By contrast, a mesquite tree that’s planted in a dry desert is threatened by its hostile environment. It can only survive by sending its roots down thirty feet or more into the earth, seeking cool water. But through this adaptation to an arid land, the well-rooted tree becomes strong and steady against all assailants. Our children are like the two trees in some ways. Those who have learned to conquer their problems are better anchored than those who have never faced them.

Our task as parents, then, is not to eliminate every challenge for our children. Rather, it is to serve as a confident ally on their behalf, encouraging them when they’re distressed, intervening when the threats become overwhelming, and “being there” when the crises come. Above all, we need to give them the tools with which to overcome the inevitable obstacles of life.

How Tough Is Parenting?

A few years ago I asked one thousand mothers and fathers to describe their greatest frustrations in raising kids. I heard many humorous stories in response about sticky telephones and wet toilet seats and knotted shoestrings. One mother actually wanted to know why toddlers never throw up in the bathroom. To do so would violate an unwritten law of the universe, to be sure.

But in our poll, parents didn’t merely laugh about their frustrations— they tended to blame themselves. They said they were overwhelmed and were losing confidence in

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their ability to do the job. Many were having trouble just coping from day to day. How sad it is that this ancient responsibility of raising children has become so burdensome and laden with guilt.

Actually, the facts won’t support that self-condemnation in the majority of cases. Most moms and dads are doing a credible job at home. And it’s time that someone patted them on the back for their commitment and their sacrifice. And someday, when the frustrations of toddlerhood and the turmoil of adolescence have passed, they’ll enjoy the sweet benefits of being very good and loving parents.

Hang in there, moms and dads. You’re more skilled than you think you are.

Busy Fathers and Exhausted Mothers

I spoke at a White House conference a few years ago during which the other speaker was Dr. Armand Nicholi, a psychiatrist from Harvard University. His topic, like mine, was the status of the American family.

Dr. Nicholi explained how an overcommitted lifestyle that makes parents inaccessible to their children produces much the same effect as divorce itself, and herein lies our most serious failing as mothers and fathers. Cross-cultural studies make it clear that parents in the United States spend less time with their children than parents in almost any other nation in the world. For decades, fathers have devoted themselves exclusively to their occupations and activities away from home. More recently, mothers have joined the workforce in huge numbers, rendering them- selves exhausted at night and burdened with domestic duties on weekends.

The result: No one is at home to meet the needs of lonely preschoolers and latchkey children. Dr. Nicholi expressed regret that his comments would make many parents feel uncomfortable and guilty. However, he felt obligated to report the facts as he saw them.

Most important, Dr. Nicholi stressed as the point of his address the undeniable link between the interruption of parent-child relationships and the escalation of psychiatric problems that we were then seeing. If the trend continued, he said, serious national health problems were inevitable. One-half of all hospital beds in the United States at that time were taken up by psychiatric patients. That figure could hit 95 percent if the incidence of divorce, child abuse, child molestation, and child neglect continues to soar. In that event, we’ll also see vast increases in teen suicide, already up more than 300 percent in twenty-five years, and drug abuse, crimes of violence, and problems related to sexual disorientation.

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A Word About Parental Guilt

In case you haven’t noticed, parenthood is a very guilt-producing endeavor, even for the dedicated professional. Since there’s no such creature as a perfect parent, we subject ourselves to a constant cross-examination in the courtroom of parental acceptability. Was my discipline fair? Did I overreact out of frustration and anger? Have I been partial to the child who’s my secret favorite? Have I made the same mistakes for which I resented my own parents? Round and round go the self-doubts and recriminations, and guilt becomes a constant companion, especially for those whose kids are grown and whose record is already in the books.

The best way to handle parental guilt is to face it squarely, using it as a source of motivation for change where it’s warranted. I would suggest that mothers and fathers sit down together and discuss their feelings. Write down the most troubling shortcomings. Then ask, “Is our guilt valid? Can we do anything about it? If so, what? If not, isn’t it appropriate that we lay the matter to rest?”

Remember that we can no more be perfect parents than we can be perfect human beings. We get tired, frustrated, disappointed, and irritable, which necessarily affects the way we approach those little ones around our feet. Fortunately, we are permitted to make many mistakes through the years, provided the overall tone is somewhere near the right note.

Peace in the Neighborhood

Is there anything parents can do about the misbehavior of other parents’ children in a neighborhood? As a matter of fact, there is. They can bring about a more peaceful atmosphere on their street if they will simply talk to each other—but that can take some doing. There is no quicker way to anger a mama bear than for someone to criticize her precious cub.

That’s a delicate subject indeed. And that’s why the typical neighborhood provides very little feedback to parents in regard to the behavior of their children. The kids know there are no lines of communication between adults, and they take advantage of the barrier.

What each block needs is a mother or father who has the courage to say, “I want to be told what my child does when he’s beyond his own yard. If he’s a brat with other children, I would like to know it. If he’s disrespectful with adults, please mention it to me. I won’t consider it tattling. I won’t resent your coming to me. I hope I can share my insights regarding your children, too.”

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As tough as it is to hear that our kids have misbehaved, because it makes us feel like bad parents, we should open ourselves to that information if it’s valid. None of our kids is perfect. We’ll know better how to teach and discipline them if we talk openly and honestly to each of our neighbors as adults and friends.

Compulsive Parenting

I have expressed concern for years about absentee parents who regularly neglect their children during the developmental years. This problem continues in the fast-paced culture in which we live. But there are other parents—although fewer in number—at the other end of the continuum. It is prevalent among mothers, in particular, who become obsessed by their children. Their responsibilities leave no time for recreational, romantic, or restful activities. And not even Mother Teresa would have qualified as a babysitter.

Now, I don’t question the motives of obsessive parents, but their pre- occupation can lead to serious problems. First, making children the centerpiece of life is not in their best interests. It can lead in some cases to overprotection, permissiveness, and dependency.

Second, emotional and physical fatigue produce what is known as parental burnout. Just as a battery cannot continually be drained, the human body must be recharged from time to time. Burnout is destructive to the entire family, especially to the children for whom the effort was intended in the first place.

Third, superparenting can also be destructive to a marriage, especially when the mother is the one so inclined. A father may come to resent the children for taking his wife away from him, or she may think her husband is selfish because he won’t match her commitment. Either way, a wedge is driven between them that could eventually destroy the family.

It is a pattern that is more common than you might think. Moderation is the key to healthy family life—even in one’s approach to parenting.

Avoiding Revolution at Home

One of the most difficult parenting responsibilities involves the orderly transfer of power to our children. A common mistake is to grant autonomy before kids are really ready to handle it. That can be a disaster for immature and impulsive offspring. But it’s just as dangerous to retain parental power too long. Control will he torn from our grasp if we refuse to surrender it voluntarily.

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Consider, for example, how England treated her children in the American colonies. The early settlers left the mother country and grew to become rebellious teenagers who demanded their freedom. Still, the British refused to release them, and much unnecessary bloodshed resulted. England learned a valuable lesson from that painful experience, however, and 171 years later she granted a peaceful and orderly transfer of power to another tempestuous offspring named India. Revolution was averted.

With regard to our children, the granting of self-determination must he matched stride- for-stride with the arrival of maturity, culminating with complete release during early adulthood. But the task isn’t as easy as it sounds. The key is to chart a path between the two extremes of letting go too early and hanging on too long. Only great tact, wisdom, and prayer will help us determine the timing of that difficult decision.

The Window of Opportunity

There are some skills that can be learned during the early childhood years that become very difficult to teach later on. For example, have you ever wondered why it’s so easy for preschoolers to learn any language they hear? Russian, Chinese, Spanish, Hebrew—it really doesn’t matter. Children can learn it perfectly without even a trace of an accent. Yet fifteen or twenty years later, most individuals will have a much harder time trying to make those same sounds.

Researchers now know why this is true. It’s explained by a process known as “phoneme contraction.” You see, the larynx of a young child assumes a shape necessary to make any sounds that he’s learning to use at that time. It then solidifies or hardens in those positions, making it impossible or very difficult to make other sounds later in life. In other words, there’s a window of opportunity when anything is possible linguistically, but it closes very quickly.

A child’s attitude toward parental leadership is also like that. He or she passes through a brief period during toddlerhood and the preschool years when respect for authority and a certain sense of awe can he instilled. But that window closes very quickly. That’s why it’s so important to “shape the will” during the early years by balancing unconditional love with consistent firmness at home.

If parents miss that opportunity, the adolescent years can be bumpier than they need to be.

Beating Burnout

I talk to many mothers these days, especially those with younger kids, who feel like they’re on the edge of burnout. They feel like they will explode if they have to do one

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more load of laundry or tie one more shoe. Their circumstances are very different from those of their grandmothers, who typically had extended families and neighbors to help them raise their kids. They were surrounded by mothers, aunts, sisters, and friends who provided encouragement, advice, and support in times of need.

But in today’s mobile, highly energized society, young mothers are much more isolated and lonely. Many of them hardly know the women next door, and their sisters and mothers may live a thousand miles away. That’s why it is so important for those with small children to stay in touch with the outside world. Though it may seem safer and less taxing to remain cloistered within the four walls of a home, it is a mistake to do so. Loneliness does bad things to the mind. Furthermore, there are many ways to network with other women today, including church activities, Bible study groups, and support programs, such as Moms In Touch International and Mothers of Preschoolers.

Husbands of stay-at-home mothers need to recognize the importance of their support, too. It is a wise man who plans a romantic date at least once a week and offers to take care of the children so Mom can get a much- needed break. In short, burnout is not inevitable even in a busy household. It can be avoided in families that recognize its symptoms and take steps to head it off.

Carving the Stone

Smithsonian magazine once featured a master stonecutter from England named Simon Verity, a man who honed his craft by restoring thirteenth-century cathedrals in Great Britain. As the authors watched him work, they noticed something very interesting. They wrote, “Verity listens closely to hear the song of the stone under his careful blows. A solid strike, and all is well. A higher-pitched ping, and it could mean trouble. A chunk of rock could break off. He constantly adjusts the angle of the chisel and the force of the mallet to the pitch, pausing frequently to run his hand over the freshly carved surface.”

Verity understood the importance of his task. He knew that one wrong move could be devastating, causing irreparable damage to his work of art. His success was rooted in his ability to read the signals his stones were sending. In similar fashion, parents need to hone their skills at listening to their children, especially during times of discipline and guidance. It takes a great deal of patience and sensitivity to interpret the child’s responses. If you listen carefully, your boys and girls will tell you what they’re thinking and feeling.

So whether shaping a child’s character or sculpting in stone, the skills needed are crucial to a successful outcome. The honing by the master carver will create a beautiful work of art.

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The Longest Task

Have you ever considered how long it takes to raise a human being from birth to maturity and get him or her ready for independent living?

Other creatures do the job much more quickly. Hamsters are ready to go on their own in three weeks. Kittens require only a couple of months, and lion cubs are self- sufficient within two years. Meanwhile, it takes twenty years or more to produce a son or daughter who can earn a living, stay out of trouble, and make normal adult decisions.

Noted author Elisabeth Elliot has written: “There never has been a time when children could successfully be raised without sacrifice and discipline on the part of the parents.” There simply aren’t any shortcuts or easy ways to do the job right. Let’s face it—the child-rearing task is the most protracted responsibility we are likely to face. And like any other project worth doing, the important thing is to persevere to the finish line.

Why have I offered this advice today? Because there are many voices out there telling parents to give up, to bail out, to think only of themselves. And there will be many discouraging moments along the way. But as the father of two grown kids, I can tell you that the child-rearing task is worth what it costs us—right through to its conclusion.

The Empty Nest

Several years ago, our youngest child, Ryan, went off to Chicago for his freshman year of college. His final day at home was filled with the hustle and hustle of packing and getting ready for a new life. Somehow amid all that activity, the gravity of the evening was missed. But then as we were driving him to the airport the next morning, it dawned on me that parenthood was over. An unexpected wave of grief swept over me. I thought I couldn’t stand to see Ryan leave. It wasn’t that I wanted to hold him in childhood or to exercise control of his life. No, I mourned the end of an era—a precious time of my life when Ryan and his sister, Danae, were young and their voices rang in the halls of our house. I couldn’t hide the tears as we hugged good-bye at gate.

If you’re thinking that I’m hopelessly sentimental about my kids, you’re right. But I hope my experience encourages those of you whose children are still underfoot. The days that you’ve been given to care for them are much briefer than you think. Yes, it’s a difficult and exhausting assignment, but I urge you to stay the course and finish the job.

By the way, about a month after the departure of our youngest, the empty nest began to look very different to us. The house stayed clean longer, our lives were definitely more tranquil, and my wife and I had more time to enjoy each other. I was reminded of

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the words of King Solomon, who wrote, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). That is even true for the task of raising children, and for us, that season has passed.

But if you happen to see my son or daughter, ask them to call home, won’t you?

This material is excerpted from Dr. Dobson’s book Dr. Dobson’s Handbook of Family Advice (Copyright 1996/1998, Published by Harvest House Publishers) and is used with permission.

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