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Jacobs 2

Jennifer Jacobs

Charles Barnes

Composition & Rhetoric

27 October 2023

Essay 3 Rough draft

There are moments in my life where I can’t figure out what to do in certain situations that erupt my balance in life, when that happens, I turn to one person in particular Monika Moore, the mother of my best friend Kaymen. The eruption that happened, in particular, involved moving to bossier on my own with no support from family. It wasn’t my first time moving to a location I didn’t know or recognize, but this was going to be the first time without guidance that I moved somewhere unfamiliar. It had already been three weeks since I started moving my possessions and clothes into the apartment and work was stressing me out even more. College was just around the corner all my nerves were shot like electricity, I was jumpy, quick to snap off, and just overall tired.

It was a hot Sunday night after a 10-hour exhausting shift at the Circle-K. When I finally almost crawled to my car I just wanted to break down and cry. Everything felt like it was going in the wrong direction, from my parents pressuring me to get my belongings out of the house to me trying to balance work and school. I didn’t know what to do I was at a loss then I remembered a recent memory from just 2 weeks ago of my best friend in the entire universe, Kaymen telling me through this process that if I ever needed anything to call him or his wonderful mother Monika. That’s exactly what I did, I picked up my phone and called him almost immediately he picked up and in a cheery familiar voice said “911 what’s your emergency?”.

I gave a weak laugh and he already knew something was wrong without me having to say anything before I knew it he had me on speaker and telling his mom, the woman who has treated me as her own child from the beginning of me and Kaymen’s friendship that something was wrong. I had to hold back tears as I spoke as not even my own adopted family cared this much about my well-being as these two people did. Monika stayed quiet for 2 minutes, the longest 2 minutes of my life, and finally spoke with the sincerest tone in her voice “Jennifer it’s going to be ok, this is a stepping stone into your adulthood you’ll make it out alive.” She then proceeded to ask me to visit the next day as it was my day off and she wanted to see me and talk me through this mysterious thing we call life. Of course, I accepted as she mentioned that she’d make my favorite dish smothered pork chops.

As requested, the next day in mid-afternoon I was at Kaymen’s house sitting on the porch like we usually did every time I came. As mom was in the kitchen cooking lunch me and Kaymen chatted about what’s been happening the last 2 weeks with both of us, he started his college course in welding a week after I started and has been enjoying doing it as it was something he enjoyed. About an hour later Monika came out with 3 plates of smothered pork chops with onions and potatoes, they smelled divine and tasted just as good as they did the first time, I tasted them. As we ate Monika did what any good mother would do if her child was going through a rough time, she hugged me and told me “Jennifer baby, I know you listen to Bob Marley, you have to remember his song Three Little Birds and how it tells you not to worry about the little things.” I know it seems silly to the naked eye but music is this family’s heart and soul and it usually gives pretty good messages. She was right I had to stop worrying so much about the little things and look at the big picture.

I never thought someone could care so much for another person who wasn’t blood before I met Monika. Someone so compassionate and loving to someone who is just her kid’s friend is amazing. She helped me and gave me a new perspective in this dark hour and I love and appreciate her for it.

Essay #3 Rough Draft (SUBMIT PEER REVIEW HERE)

 

Peer Review, Essay #3 

1. Read through the entire essay.  Who is the essay about? What is the  dominant impression?  (In other words, what is the tone, feeling, mood, or emotion the story leaves you with?) If it cannot be determined, explain that to your partner here.  

 

2. What is the thesis statement?  Write down the thesis statement here.  Does the essay  name the specific subject?  

3. It is very important that the essay is  not a biography, but rather a  narrative of a more specific story.  Is the essay  telling a story or a series of stories, or merely describing the person’s traits?  Explain.  

 

 

4. Is there a  plot? Is there an  obstacle or conflict? What is the conflict at the heart of the story?

5. How does the essay create the  dominant impression?  Through details?  Through word choice? A single story?  Several short stories?  Or is the essay missing a narrative?  Explain.  

 

 

6. The essay should include examples of  figurative language.  Find an example of: 

(a) a metaphor

(b) a simile

(c) personification 

(d) allusion

If any are missing from the essay, point that out here. If one is missing, can you give a suggestion? 

 

 

7. Does the essay ever go  off-topic?  Are there any details included that stray from the dominant impression?  You're not telling your subject's life story, so part of your job is to pick and choose which details to include.  Indicate any details that contradict the dominant impression or do not belong in the essay. 

 

8. How is the  clarity of the paper?

        Check off what needs improvement:

·

· grammar __

· spelling ___

· sentence structure __

· word choice/missing words __  

· transitions __

  If applicable, note where the reader could become confused:

 

8. Does the paper appear to be in  MLA format?  Is there anything about the essay’s formatting that looks different than your own?  

Make sure the essay has:

·

· a heading ____

· a title ____

· 12-pt. Times New Roman or Calibri font ____

· NO skipped lines ____

· double-spacing throughout  ____

·

 

9.  What  suggestions that were not already mentioned do you have for improving the next draft?  

______________________________________________________________________________________

Please use this discussion board to submit the rough draft of your descriptive/narrative essay. Save your work as a Word file and attach it in a reply using the paperclip icon. It's very important that you save it in the correct format; we have had issues with the past two rough drafts with students not being able to open their partner's paper. 

Some things to remember before you submit your draft: 

· Make sure it's in MLA format, with double-spacing, an MLA heading, and a title. 

· Make sure you have an introduction paragraph that sets up the story and includes a thesis statement. 

· Remember that the essay should focus on your subject. You may be a character in the story, but make sure you're not the focal point. 

· First person point-of-view is appropriate, but second person pronouns (you, your) are not allowed, unless as part of a direct quote. 

· Use three body paragraphs for the plot of the story. Use time transitions to keep the story moving forward. 

· Wrap up with a very short conclusion paragraph. 

· Your essay should be 2-4 pages long, with a minimum of 2 full pages. 

· Edit carefully, especially for run-ons and comma splices. 

JENNIFER JACOBS IS WHO I AM REVIEWING