Work in progress A+

This and That

The meaning of ‘this’ and ‘that’’ when they are not followed by a noun is not clear because ‘this’ or ‘that’ \ can refer to an entire sentence, clause, or phrase rather than just a noun or noun phrase. To eliminate the ambiguity, you need to clearly indicate what you want ‘this’ or ‘that’ to refer to. The following example illustrates the kind of sentence that a tutor may mark as ambiguous or unclear and how to revise the sentence in a way that clarifies its meaning. Notice the difference in the impact of the first two sentences below and the following possible revisions, which substitute a specific phrase for this.

Example One:

If a person takes and passes the exam with a score the university requires, then, the student should not have to take that class. Not only would this reduce the tuition of a student dramatically, it would . . .

Possible revisions:

(1) If an individual takes the exam and passes with a score that the university accepts, the student will not have to take that course. Not having to take that course would not only greatly reduce the student’s tuition, it would also . . .

(2) If a student passes the exam with a score the university accepts, the student will not have to take that course. As a result, tuition would be reduced and . . .

Example Two:

In the health insurance marketplace, insurance companies compete for business with one another by offering affordable plans. This significantly reduces the overcharging or inflated growth of health care costs.

Possible revisions:

(1) Insurance companies compete for business with one another in the health insurance marketplace by offering affordable plans. Consequently, overcharging is reduced and the growth of health care costs slows.

(2) In the health insurance marketplace, insurance companies compete for business with one another by offering affordable plans, thereby significantly reducing overcharging and the growth of health care costs is slowed.

(3) In the health insurance marketplace, insurance companies compete for business with one another by offering affordable plans. As a result, overcharging and heath care costs are reduced.

In each of the following examples, the unclear pronoun is italicized and the corresponding clarifying revision underlined. In some of the examples, ‘this’ is inappropriately used before a noun when an article should be used, as is done in the revision. Such inappropriate uses of ‘this’ are italicized and underlined.

Some view flogging as this inhumane form of punishment for crimes, but to me this is a concept which I could see implemented in present day society.

Possible revision:

Some people view flogging as an inhumane form of punishment, but I think flogging should be re-instituted by present day society.

In the following example, saying that if flogging returned to the United States, petty crimes would have a choice is an illogical statement. Crimes should be changed to criminals. The second use of that is inappropriate for ‘who’ should be used to refer to human beings.

If flogging were to return to the United States, then all the first time petty crimes would have the choice of going to jail or taking up the whips. That is a way to ensure that people that commit minor crimes have a choice instead of being locked up with people who have killed or raped.

Possible revision:

If flogging were reinstituted in the United States, first time petty criminals could chose between being incarcerated and being flogged. Such a choice would ensure that people who have committed minor crimes could avoid being locked up with killers and rapists.

Inside the United States almost all felons are given an early release and some criminals are not even sent to prison because of their crimes at all, until their third time committing said crime. This is dangerous to many Americans, because . . .

Possible revision:

In the United States, almost all criminals are released before serving their entire sentences, and some felons are not even sent to prison until their third offense. Such practices are dangerous to law-abiding citizens because . . .

Devin is attached to his mother and can sometimes have a hard time letting her out of his sight. This is an example of secure attachment that allows the child to become attached to his or her caregiver, normally referring to the mother (Berg, p. 164).

Possible revisions:

(1) Devin sometimes has difficulty letting his mother out of his sight. Such an attachment is an example of “secure attachment,” usually with the mother, and promotes effortful control in boys (Berg, p. 164).

(2) Devin sometimes has difficulty letting his mother out of his sight. Such behavior is an example of “secure attachment,” which is usually with the mother, and promotes effortful control in boys (Berg, p. 164).

Although he is around kids at daycare, he still is the only child at home. This may be an issue that is affecting his social and sharing skills.

Possible revision:

Although Devin is around children at daycare, being the only child at home may be affecting his social and sharing skills.

My brother has had Asperger’s his entire life but was recently diagnosed in the last few years. He will have this the remainder of his life.

Possible revisions:

(1) My brother, Jack, has had Asperger’s syndrome his entire life but was diagnosed as having it only a few years ago. He will have the syndrome for the remainder of his life.

(2) Though he was diagnosed as having Asperger’s syndrome only a few years ago, my brother, Jack, has had it his entire life and will continue to do so the remainder of his life.

In high functioning autism, the child has delayed language where this is not the case in Asperger’s.

Possible revisions:

(1) In high functioning autism, the child has delayed language development, which is not the case for a child with Asperger’s.

(2) The language development of a child with high functioning autism is delayed. The same is not true for a child with Asperger’s.

(3) The language development of a child with high functioning autism is delayed, whereas the language development of a child with Asperger’s is normal.

The first sign of Asperger’s syndrome is limited social interactions. Many would label this awkward in social situations.

Possible revisions:

(1) The first sign of Asperger’s syndrome is what some people refer to as “limited” social interactions; however, some people label the social interactions as “awkward.”

(2) The first sign of Asperger’s syndrome is limited social interactions. Many people would categorize this limitation as awkwardness in social situations.

(3) The first sign of Asperger’s syndrome involves social interactions, which are often described as ‘limited’ or 'awkward.’

In addition, to the ambiguous ‘this’ and’ it,’ the example below also is a comma splice.

With both nations specializing in the products they have better opportunity costs in, this allows them to produce more overall, and with trade, it allows both nations to benefit.

Possible revisions

Specializing in the products that they have better opportunity costs in allows both countries to produce more overall, and both nations benefit when they trade with each other.

Garraty is starting to feel the first stages of fatigue and he is very worried if this is how sunstroke starts.

Possible revisions

(1) Starting to feel the first stages of fatigue, Garraty frets that the first sign of sunstroke may be fatigue.

(2) As he starts to feel the first stages of fatigue, Garraty unhappily wonders if extreme tiredness is the first sign of sunstroke.

(3) As he starts to feel the first stages of fatigue, Garraty worries that sunstroke starts with exhaustion.

Most state laws don’t prohibit admission student without document. This is giving a big chance for those who are looking for a degree.

Possible revisions:

(1) That most state laws do not prohibit college or university admission of individuals without proper documentation provides an opening for individuals who wish to earn a degree.

(2) Most state laws do not prohibit college or university admission of aliens without proper documentation, thereby making it possible for such individuals to pursue a college degree.

If this law is able to pass, it will permit student to pay in-state tuition. Before this, these sixteen special states are listed.

Possible revision:

If this law passes, both undocumented individuals and foreign students will be allowed to pay in-state tuition, which presently, only sixteen states allow.

During the trial Atticus says to the jury, “She was white, and she tempted a Negro. She did something that our society is unspeakable: she kissed a black man” (To Kill a Mockingbird). This expresses how Mayella is playing the victim when she is the one that did the unthinkable, all because Tom is a black man.

Possible revision:

During the trial, Atticus says to the jury, “She was white, and she tempted a Negro. She did something that in our society is unspeakable: she kissed a black man” (To Kill a Mockingbird). Atticus is pointing out that because Tom is a black man, Mayella is acting as though she is the victim even though she is the one who did the unthinkable.

Atticus Finch actions are also symbolic of racism in the prejudice Maycomb County. This may have not been noticed at first, but the shooting of the rabid dog is greatly illustrative.

Possible revision:

Atticus Finch’s actions symbolize the racism in Maycomb County that may not be noticed at first, but the way the rabid dog dies is clearly symbolic of the county’s racism.

I am beginning to believe the forced integration of American culture and values in the American educational system is the unnatural culture, and this has become a sort of factory that is churning out “new” Americans daily. This has led me to explore the causes of the death of multiculturalism in America via the American school system, American television, and social acceptance and societal norms throughout the different avenues of this melting pot of a country.

Possible revision:

Believing that the American educational system instills American culture and values into students and thus has become a sort of factory that churns out new Americans daily has led me to explore the causes of the death of multiculturalism in the United States.

I was sent to speech class for one hour a day, Monday through Friday; to drive out the accent that I may acquire being a multicultural student. Looking back now, it is difficult not to label this as genocide of identity and culture.

Possible revision:

To eliminate any accent I may have had as a multicultural student, I was sent to speech class one hour a day, Monday through Friday. As I reflect on that practice now, I have difficulty not labeling it genocide of identity and culture.

Tom Regan seems to follow the opposing view, that of J.S. Mill which is more hedonistic. This is defined: the pleasures or pain of a human would have to outweigh the pleasures or pain of an animal

Possible revision:

Tom Regan seems to follow J.S. Mill’s, opposing, more hedonistic view, that the pleasure or pain of a human being has to outweigh those of an animal.