Essay revised

PEER REVIEW WORKSHEET

Your Name: Meir Levin

Essay Writer’s Name: Wisline Fontilus

NOTE: This is the sheet that you will use to write comments on the rough draft of another

student from our class. There are two important guidelines: first (and this probably goes without

saying): be respectful with your comments. You will each be writing a set of comments and

also will be receiving a set of comments from another student, so you should write the sort of

comments that you would like to receive from someone else. But, at the same time, you should

aim at making constructive criticisms. If all you do is say, “This is a great essay, I really

enjoyed reading it,” you aren’t helping the writer find ways to improve it. So please follow the

prompts below and try to write as much as possible in response to each one. Also, try to be

specific and cite some examples: rather than just saying, for example, “I really liked the way you

used quotes from the text,” try something like: “I thought the way you used quotes in the first

paragraph on page two was really effective, because it helped the reader understand your

argument a lot more clearly.” Finally, please DO NOT make any comments about sentence-

level issues like spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. These are important issues, but you

should not be worried about them yet at this stage; they will come later.

1. The strongest thing about this essay is (please write at least 3 sentences):

The strongest thing about your essay is your extensive use of quotes and thought-

provoking analysis throughout. Your personal voice and feelings come through. This

coupled with hitting practically every strong point in Davis’ book, leaves the reader with

a good background on this its mission.

2. The thing in this essay that needs the most improvement is (please write at least 3

sentences):

The quotes you have used are strong and supplementary to Davis’ argument. However, when

discussing various techniques, I see you devote most of the paper to quote based analysis. While

in the introduction you do use the term historical information, but you do not attach analysis to

this technique.

3. Here is what I think the main idea/central argument of this essay is (summarize this in

one sentence):

The main idea of your essay is using Davis’ argumentative approach for anti-reform of the

prison system but for the abolishment of the entire structure.

4. Identify all the places in the essay where the writer uses a quote from Are Prisons

Obsolete? or from another text we have read. Then comment on how well the writer is

using quotations. Is it clear why the quotations are there? Is the author doing some work to

analyze these quotations and to make them part of her/his argument? Is the writer focusing

on the techniques that Angela Davis uses to make her argument?

Example 1: Page 2 Paragraph 2 – this quote does support Davis’ argument and is preempted by

the writer letting us know that this will be the first of many quote-based evidence to support

Davis’ overall theme. The last analytic statement does show the connection of the writer to the

argument. However, the quote itself did not seem to strengthen the actual argument.

Example 2: Page 2-3 Paragraph 3-1 – This quote flows and is used appropriately to identify

Davis’ argument and it strengthens the writer’s argument.

Example 3: Page 3 Paragraph 2 - To start off the paragraph discussing women’s abuse and then

using a semi shorter quote to strike this point more strongly would be my method of delivering it.

This does play well into the running theme of your essay and argument.

Example 4: Page 3-4 Paragraph 3-1 – This shows Angela Davis argument, but does not reflect

the techniques used besides quote-based evidence. I think it is better to discuss first the content

of the quote then follow with it. Overall, it shows a good example of why prison is truly a

horrible place.

5. Write some comments on how well the writer has organized her/his essay—if there are

places where you got confused while you were reading or where the transitions seemed

shaky, please write these down. Also, does this essay effectively address the assignment?

When reading this essay, I was looking for more techniques that Davis used. However, only

towards the end of this paper, the statistical analysis was discussed. Perhaps discussing historical

analysis and elucidating upon this technique, the essay would address the assignment more

effectively. Also, going from quote to quote for two pages without much analysis can get a little

confusing. This is easily fixed by preempting each quote with one’s own analysis or thought.

6. When the writer revises this essay, s/he should (please make two specific and concrete

suggestions):

1) The quotes in the beginning of paragraphs should be shortened and stuck in the middle after introducing them.

2) The use and analysis of more techniques I think is necessary to establish a broader understanding of Angela Davis’ approach.

TO THE WRITER OF THE ESSAY: Now that you have read these comments, write one

paragraph in response to them. Summarize what your peer reviewer has to say about your

essay, and what you plan to work on in your next revision.