IDS -104 MODULE 4

Course Documents/Transcripts/IDS 104 Transcript for Constructive Criticism vs. Destructive Criticism.docx

IDS 104 Transcript for Constructive Criticism vs. Destructive Criticism

[00:00:00.080] BARBARA HEFFERNAN: Constructive criticism is so much more effective, both for the giver and for the receiver. And yet, I’d say that most of the criticism we receive is destructive. And I think possibly a lot of the criticism that we give might also be destructive. So destructive criticism triggers a kind of fight-flight freeze response in the listener. Destructive criticism can trigger our defensiveness. So, if you’re giving criticism because you want something to change, we better to figure out how to say it so the other person can hear it.

[00:00:40.200] And then if you’re on the receiving end, it’s great to know what is destructive criticism because you may not need to respond to it. [MUSIC PLAYING]

BARBARA HEFFERNAN: Okay, so let’s talk about the components of constructive criticism. Number one, it is specific to the situation. Number two, there’s something you can do about it. Number three, the person who’s giving the criticism has the right to give it. And I’ll explain that a little bit more. But I kind of mean, like, is the criticism relevant to the relationship between the two people?

[00:01:17.170] And then number four, the agenda is clear with constructive criticism, there’s a pretty clear agenda that is somewhat shared. And again, I’ll give you a little bit more information on that and what I mean by it. And I will also share a number of examples and deliver them in a destructive way and a constructive way. And a broader comment about constructive criticism—if somebody gives you well-thought-out constructive criticism, it does show an investment in the relationship. There’s actually always a desire underneath criticism.

[00:01:54.530] And if you’re on the receiving end and you can sort of hear that desire, it will help. Just to give you a very quick example on that one. If you have a supervisor or boss at work who takes the time to sit down with you and talk you through some of the things that you could do to improve, that person’s invested in your success. So okay, let’s talk about destructive criticism. Destructive criticism is general. It’s not specific to a situation.

[00:02:28.300] Very often, there’s nothing the person can do about it. In fact, very often, destructive criticism really comes out and comes across as a condemnation of the other person. That’s why, if you are invested in the relationship and you would like something to change, using components of destructive criticism is not gonna achieve what you want, because it really does come across as a condemnation. Destructive criticism is sometimes given by people who have the right to give it, right? Or it’s relevant to the relationship, absolutely.

[00:03:04.670] But not always. Sometimes, destructive criticism is from somebody where it really is not relevant to the relationship and the situation that you are together in, and then the agenda is really not clear with destructive criticism. So, destructive criticism often uses labeling. “You are a jerk.” To use polite language, “You’re selfish, you’re so selfish,” right? That’s labeling somebody. “You’re too reckless,” right? There’s a lot of labeling language that goes with destructive criticism.

[00:03:39.990] Other language that goes with destructive criticism is “always” or “never.” You “always” mess up our plans. You “never” do the dishes, right? So again, using that always and never, that’s broad. That’s not specific to a situation. In general, “You statements” tend to trigger that defensive response in the other person. And usually when we use “You statements,” it’s to express our own frustration. It’s releasing our anxiety, angst, anger.

[00:04:17.560] And all of us can do this when we’re stressed, absolutely. There’s nobody who does this perfectly. But keeping in mind to avoid those “You statements.” Avoid the “always,” “never,” and avoid the labels. One of the last things I wanna highlight about the language used in destructive criticism is very often people will bring in unnamed third parties. Everyone thinks that you are blank. Everyone in the family says, right? It could sometimes even be, “Well, my therapist says you are blah,” right?

[00:04:53.530] Bringing in an outside authority to, like, bolster your case is actually very destructive. And if you think about the constructive aspects, right? Pulling in these third parties—it’s vague. It’s not specific. It leaves the other person sort of increases their height plate freeze response to their defensiveness. So not helpful. So, I wanna use a couple of examples to go through this point. And I can just hear people saying, “Well, what if I’m with someone who never does the dishes,” right? “How do I address that?” So, let’s talk through the components of constructive criticism that goes with this example.

[00:05:30.450] Specific, something somebody can do about it, relevant to the relationship, right? The person giving the criticism has the right to give it, and then a clear shared agenda. And if you’re living with somebody who never does the dishes and you’re really frustrated, my guess is that you have already been saying “You never do the dishes,” right? That’s not specific. It’s very general. “You’re so lazy.” “You’re a slob.” Those would be sort of very common things. “You never help me around the house,” right? All of those would fall into that destructive criticism.

[00:06:07.820] And what they end up doing is they end up making the other person more and more rigid in their habit. They push it away with, “I don’t care.” “You’re too picky,” right? It’ll come right back to you in other criticisms. So, let’s bring in this piece of relationship. If you are the parent and this is a child or a teenager, and you want them to do the dishes, thinking through the rewards and consequences. All right. Set, put in place either some kind of positive reward or some kind of consequence. Stick to it, be calm. You get to enforce it. That goes with your role as a parent.

[00:06:48.300] I’m not saying this is easy, but it’s way more productive than falling into that sort of spewing of anger. And I mean productive in the long term. Okay, if it’s a partner, spouse, or a friend you’re living with, so equal relationship. How do you make this specific, something the other person can address? I would say it is relevant to your relationship if you are sharing a home. And then how can this be a common agenda? So, people have different needs for cleanliness, right?

[00:07:23.710] A sink full of dishes does not stress everybody out, but it does stress some people out. But approaching this from a common agenda of we want a peaceful household. We want to support each other, right? And if you’re with a partner who doesn’t wanna support you, that’s a totally different conversation. But assuming you have a decent enough relationship, this is just a point of frustration. Figuring out how to explain this and involve the other person in the solution.

[00:07:55.600] There is a veiled criticism in, “Hey, I really would like more help in these areas around the house. How can we work this out?” Okay, let’s move to a work situation. You had somebody working for you preparing a presentation, and you walked in, and you were gonna deliver the presentation, and then you realized it was riddled with typos, and this has probably happened before. So, you might immediately just start yelling whatever kind of broad criticism at this person because it vents your frustration, but overall, it’s destructive.

[00:08:32.480] Now, obviously, in the moment, you’re in a tight spot because of this. So, when you do sit down later with your employee to go through this problem, letting them really understand why this is such a tight spot for you, expressing your desire that this goes better both for you and for them. And you’re the boss. You get to set a need. I need something to be proofed three times. How do we get there? So constructive criticism is really looking for a solution.

[00:09:05.860] So, if you’re on the receiving end of somebody just shouting at you how lazy you are, how horrible, and how many typos there were. You can understand this is important to that person. What is it I need to do a better job and how can I communicate that to them? And if I need more time, if I need more time to work on it, if I need a backup proofreader because it’s just not my skill base, how can I ask for that and put it in place? And if I’m really lousy at proofreading, and that’s the number one skill my boss wants, this might not really be the right job for me, right?

[00:09:41.420] So, I know, as I’m saying this, I’m guessing that you might be thinking, well, this is more about problem solving. But yes, criticism is meant to solve a problem. So, as the boss in this situation, if you go through the elements of the constructive criticism, how do you make your criticism specific? How do you phrase it in a way that the person can do something about it? It is applicable to your role to be criticizing somebody for too many typos because you are the boss, and that’s important to you, and you’re making the presentations. And then, how do you freeze it as a joint agenda?

[00:10:15.590] Again, if you’re the boss, the joint agenda is pretty clear, right? You want to receive the presentation on time without typos. So, in your own mind, there is the question of “Is this person capable of it? What does this person need in order to be able to do that? Is this person strong enough in other areas that I’m willing to do the final proofreading the day before my presentation,” right? Those are all questions for you to figure out to solve the problem, and then you can incorporate those in your joint agenda.

[00:10:50.280] So I wanna end this video with a pretty major point, which is that if we feel that we deserve to have what we are looking for, to have a supportive partner, to have someone at work who steps up, if we really feel that our desire and our request, right, because criticism is a failed request. But if we really feel that those are valid and that we deserve them, then we really deliver the criticism way more smoothly.

[00:11:27.000] And when I say like we feel we have the right to it, I don’t mean that self-righteousness, because the self-righteousness is actually driven by the opposite. So, a self-righteous approach to “I always do the dishes, you never do the dishes,” that kind of self-righteous anger and resentment is actually driven by a lack of confidence that you truly deserve this.

[00:11:56.090] So, you can also think of that when you’re on the receiving end of destructive criticism, is that at core, that person has some really negative beliefs about themselves that are preventing them from presenting their request for change in a reasonable way that you can hear. So knowing that may not make it any more pleasant, but it might make it easier for you to boundary yourself and not take it in and not take it as personally.

[00:12:29.970] And then if you’re the deliverer, it is worth thinking through, what’s the negative core belief that kind of got me in this situation? What’s the negative core belief that is really underneath this problem? And then how do I shift that core belief? Because, so for example, if we grew up in a household where our needs were minimized, if not ignored, and we were really taught that other people’s needs are more important.

[00:13:01.740] A lot of people watch my videos fall into this category, but we were the caretakers in the family or the competent ones, took care of things that were outside of what should have been our responsibilities as children. Then we grew up with this feeling of one, I can’t really rely on anyone else, and two, my needs really aren’t as important, more important to take care of everybody else’s needs. And therefore, maybe I got into a marriage where, even though my partner’s a good person, they were perfectly happy to let me do everything around the house. So, at some point, I realized, “Hmm, I don’t like this. I want to change it.”

[00:13:40.540] But my approach to it is that self-righteous, like, I know I have the right to demand it, but I’m not really feeling it. If I’m really feeling it, I can deliver that message much more smoothly, much more effectively, in a way that the other person can hear it, and a change can be implemented. And this applies to work situations. That really applies to everything. So, I do have a free P-D-F, “Transform Your Negative Core Beliefs.” It helps you walk through kind of different situations that might have developed a particular negative belief, and then it provides ways to transform that into a reasonably stated positive belief.

[00:14:25.310] A lot of people found this super, super helpful. It’s free P-D-F. I’ll show it here on the screen, and I’ll put the link in the description to this video if you would like to download it, could be very helpful, but let me know what you think about this point. Let me know what you think about my statement that when we don’t give criticism well, it’s really kinda tied to some type of feeling that we don’t really deserve this. I’d be curious if that resonates for you or not. I’m open to criticism, [CHUCKLING] so do let me know.

[00:15:01.160] And next week, I am coming out with a video that will expand on that a bit because it’s about why it’s difficult to receive criticism, if we are. If we do feel that we are sensitive to criticism, why and how that is also tied to this negative belief? And then the week after, I’ll be coming out with a video on how to handle criticism, both in the moment and over the longer term. So, make sure to subscribe to my channel so you’re notified of those videos. And if you liked this video, big help for me to hit that like button. And I really look forward to seeing you guys next week.