fix errors
March 16, 2018
Hi, Ronald,
Welcome to the EWC to work on your assignment for your PSAD302 course. You've made good progress here in identifying the topic and exploring the issues! This is such an important subject nowadays.
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My name is Alicia, and it’s my pleasure to work with you today. I've been tutoring here for the last three semesters, and I also have taught freshman composition for about ten years. I like working with students, and I learn something new from every paper!
You are welcome to come to the Effective Writing Center for help at any stage in the writing process, whether you are having trouble understanding an assignment or want feedback on a rough draft. At the EWC we are attentive readers who help you improve as a writer by explaining and modeling effective writing skills. For a more detailed discussion of our services, please visit the Effective Writing Center web site.
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Join the UMUC Effective Writing Center Google+ community . Here, all UMUC students and faculty members can find resources to help students improve their writing. Whether you are a student who needs your paper reviewed or a faculty member who would like us to provide a guest lecture on writing for your class, the EWC is here to help. Click here to join! |
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The EWC will accept only one advice request (for written feedback or live online advising) per student within a 48-hour period. This policy is designed to allow students time for revisions between submissions. You can read more about the EWC’s Advising Guidelines here . |
As we go on, remember that your professor's preferences and suggestions should always take precedence. If you have any worries about this, please ask the professor for guidance.
I want to note that we at EWC examine organization and thesis development, followed by paragraph development, then formatting and grammar. By taking a broad view of your assignment—and by focusing on patterns of issues when looking more narrowly at formatting and grammar—we are able to offer advice that you can apply to not only this assignment, but also to your future assignments.
I will be quoting from your paper when necessary, and those will be in red. My suggestions for revising or tightening will follow in blue. I'll identify sample "fixes," but you'll want to read over the paper looking for other instances. To save space, I'll be putting everything in single space, but of course you should double-space your own paper.
Also, when I give an alternative or a suggested wording for a sentence, I might put what I don’t know or you need to add in () parentheses, like this:
According to (source), (Company name) has (how many? Two? Three?) options for securing its intellectual property: (List the options here).
I’m just giving you an example in those of a typical or workable format for that sort of sentence, and you’ll know what specific information would work!
Revision Help for the Whole Paper and the Future
So when you see something that we have pointed out as an issue for revision, understand that we have chosen a representation of that. For example, if we suggest that you revise the first sentence of a paragraph to make it a strong topic sentence, you should take advantage of that advice to check other paragraphs to see if a similar revision would help with that. We might also choose a grammar or punctuation revision to bring to your attention. We'll give you an example of how to fix that, and then you can look through the rest of the paper for other incidences of that issue, and apply the "fix" to that too. This way you'll get experience at editing and revising that you can continue doing in all your other written work!
So be sure to read over your paper and see if these suggestions apply in other sentences and paragraphs! If you need more help with anything, you are welcome to email us and ask a more in-depth question about that issue.
When you submit an assignment to the EWC, it’s always helpful for you to cut and paste your assignment right into the “description” box in our database. This way, your advisor can give you specific feedback on whether you are meeting your professor’s expectations for the assignment. So it helps to copy this info for us. Thanks!
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Assignment Requirement |
My Suggestions |
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Executive Briefing 1. Your briefing will be shorter than a document or presentation prepared for a different type of audience (e.g. an audience of your peers, or of specialists in the subject). 2. Your briefing will have fewer details in it. 3. Your briefing will show that the ideas or recommendations in it are congruent with your organization’s Mission and Vision. 4. Your briefing will cover the financial and/or resource implications of your request or proposal. 5. Your briefing will have to be accurate, well-argued, and supported by evidence or data.
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I'll suggest connecting the "problem" in the introduction to the executive's industry or position. |
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1. Keep it as short as possible. If you have no choice but to provide a great deal of information (or if you were specifically asked to do so), then prepare an Executive Summary for your briefing document. An Executive Summary is a short (typically four paragraphs of four sentences each) description of the main points in the document, for example: a. The Problem or Situation to be Resolved or Addressed; b. The Proposed Solution or Recommendation; c. The Costs of the Solution or Recommendation; d. The Benefit(s) to the Organization of the Solution or Recommendation. 2. Don’t overuse charts, tables, and graphs. These items are, of course, useful for displaying large amounts of data. They are more effective, however, when used sparingly. Also, be sure that the charts, tables, and graphs can be read and easily understood when placed in a written document. 3. Make the document as “readable” as possible. By this we mean apply the general principles of good business writing, for example: a. Use an appropriate font and font size; b. Leave a suitable amount of “white space” on the pages (don’t use very narrow margins or try to cram too much text onto a page); c. Avoid long sentences. d. Avoid overuse of the passive voice. e. Use informative section headings (and make sure to provide a Table of Contents for them). f. Use “vertical lists” for long lists (i.e. more than three items in the list) 4. Provide references for any documents or sources quoted in the briefing. This seems pretty obvious, but a surprisingly large number of people forget to do this, especially when they’re in a hurry to complete the briefing document. 5. Present the main recommendation, proposal, or feature of your briefing early in the document. If your briefing is about a recommended policy change or purchase of equipment, state that on the first page of your document (and in the first paragraph of your Executive Summary, if you prepare one).
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I'll suggest using the topic (first) sentence in a paragraph to identify the paragraph point. |
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Citations and references in APA format.
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I'll give you some suggestions for this APA documentation. |
If you have questions about your assignment, you may want to revisit the assignment guidelines or talk with your professor for clarification. Harvard’s How to Read an Assignment page is very helpful. You can find it by clicking on this link-- http://writingcenter.fas.harvard.edu/pages/how-read-assignment
Introduction:
The first paragraph is usually an overall introduction:
· identifying the topic or issue,
· defining the context for it, which might be why it's important, or how the topic fits into a larger discussion,
· and then presenting the thesis or point of your position.
So let's see what you have opening the paper:
The problem identified is that most people using social media are prone to cyber bullying with some being direct or indirect victims of the said cybercrime. Cyber bullying is a first emerging public safety issue that has been neglected over the decade. (Tokunaga, 2010) It has been propelled by the emergence of social media platforms and thus increasing the online presence of variating individual characters.
Good idea to zero right in on the central topic of the problem! I would suggest connecting this to the executive's industry or position, to make it seem more relevant from the start. Try something like (this is just an example):
Online media content providers like Buzzfeed must now contend with the problem of cyber-bullying in the comments sections of their news articles.
Or—
School administrators have always had to deal with the problem of bullying among their students; however, now they have to contend with a new form of this—cyber-bullying.
or
Social media platforms like Snapchat bear a special responsibility to deal with the problem of cyber-bullying.
I'm just making that up to show how you can focus on the executive's own industry or position to make the problem more relevant. So the executive you are briefing is in a particular industry or holds a particular position. What is that? How can you make this introduction of the problem focused on that industry or position? Try that and see if that gives relevance to the problem statement. (
It sounds like your audience is an executive in a local government, so you could try something like:
A modern problem faced by local government authorities is cyber-bullying.
Literacy Education Online’s site on Developing an Introduction: The Top-Down Model also has a really great diagram of how an introduction should develop.
UMUC Video Tutorial: Introductions
Writing Introductions and Thesis Statements | UMUC https://www.umuc.edu/writingcenter/writingresources/intro.cfm
Here is a website with some more information about writing effective thesis statements.
See Hamilton College Writing Center for more info about effective essay organization and intros and conclusions.
Paragraphs= One Idea + Support
Paragraphs have the idea (or assertion) AND evidence/support: examples, facts, and/or analysis. You'll notice that usually in a published article, each paragraph has one central idea stated in the first (topic) sentence, and the rest of the paragraph supports that with evidence and analysis. For another idea, there is another paragraph—that is, the topic sentence tells the reader what this paragraph is about, and that's all the paragraph should be about.
Here, you say "solution" (just one), but you seem to be proposing two solutions (policing institution, and legislative policies):
The proposed solution is to the local government authority, is the independent setting up of a policing institution and oversight committee that specifically handles the response to the said cybercrime. (Nhan and Huey, 2009) The authorities mandated with the administration of public safety policies such as the national government at Congress level and the local government should device legislative policies that empower the policing institution dealing with the public safety menace.
That confused me. I wonder if the second is what is needed to be done? Try making that clearer, like:
The proposed solution for the local government authority is to set up a policing institution and oversight committee that specifically handles the response to the said cybercrime (Nhan and Huey, 2009.) This will require the authorities mandated with the administration of public safety policies such as the national government at Congress level and the local government to devise legislative policies that empower the policing institution dealing with the public safety menace.
Putting in something like "this will require" will make it clear that you are not just saying the solution but how it should be done.
First Sentence in the Paragraph: Where the Meaning Is
It can be a great idea to have the first sentence of each paragraph (the "topic sentence") state the point you will make in this paragraph, and also connect to the big picture, say what this has to do with the overall point (the thesis). Let's check that in your own paper:
So notice that the paragraph beginning:
The first major benefit would be that the government would manage to keep up with the ever-changing online security trends.
Try identifying what this relates to, like:
The first major benefit of this solution would be that the government would manage to keep up with the ever-changing online security trends.
If you add a first "topic" sentence to each paragraph, basically telling the reader pretty straight out what the point you want to make about what you'll tell in the paragraph, you'll be providing almost an outline of the major ideas in the paper. (That's really helpful for busy executives if they have to skim.) Try that with the paragraphs you have in the body of the paper. You have that in several paragraphs, and if you do that with all of them, your analysis will be more forceful and clear. It's just a minor change, but can have great benefits in terms of readability!
Topic sentences at the start of most of your paragraphs can really help both you and the reader mentally organize the material, and make your analysis of the meaning clear. Try that with most of your paragraphs, and see if that helps make your organization of ideas more understandable.
A typical body or evidence paragraph might be organized like this:
Topic sentence stating the paragraph point
2-3 pieces of "evidence" or explanation (like an example, quote, or statistic)
1-2 sentences explaining what that evidence means to your topic
That way, you'll make the point, support it, and explain it, and then be ready to move into the next point/paragraph.
Try that organization pattern with your paragraphs, and see if that helps improve the flow!
Research and Using Sources
1. Incorporating Research into Writing gives some great definitions of different types of strategies.
2. Evaluating Resources will help you to determine whether or not a source is credible.
3. The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill handout will explain how to Use Quotations Effectively .
Make sure your title fits your paper topic, which is cyber-bullying. This title is probably too general-
Report on the Integration of Technology in Public Safety Administration
APA Cover Page:
You're right to include a title or cover page for the paper. That's a good addition for any APA paper over a page. APA format also includes a heading at the top of the title page. In the heading, you should include the first couple words of the title of the paper in ALL CAPS in the top left-hand corner of the paper and the page number in the top, right-hand corner. Rather than just stating the title, it needs to include the words “Running head.” (Don't ask me why. This is just one of those APA oddities!)
Here’s what the title page would look like:
That's it! But check with the professor as some want a different format. This is just the conventional format.
Now to have another heading for the rest of the paper after the title page (just take off the "Running head:" part), at least in MS Word, you want to "Insert/Section Break" at the bottom of the title page. That will make the rest of the paper a new "section," and you can make a new header for that section.
Citations:
In the text of the paper, APA format uses parenthetical citations to quickly note what source information comes from. So good going to cite every fact or quote you take from an outside source (the website below has guidelines), and put quote marks around anything you directly quote using the source's own words, identifying the author. Put the author name and the publication year in the parentheses-- cite right there in the text whenever you use an outside source. The reader then can see the name in the parentheses and then go to your References page to find out more information about the source. The first word in the citation should be the first word in the entry in the References section. Keep in mind what the reader uses citations for. Let's say I want to learn more about this subject (or I'm the professor and I want to check your sources!). I'm going to look at that citation and note the name, and then go down to the References page and look for that name so I can find out the publication information so I can track that article or book down. So it's essential to have the first word in the citation be the same as the first word of that entry in the References section. :)
The citation is usually (Author last name, Year of publication).
Here, for example, you should have a source for the definition:
Experts have described cyber bullying as bullying that is executed on digital devices such as mobile phones and computers (Author last name, Year of publication).
One fix is to put the sentence period only AFTER the citation. I know that looks strange, but I think the point of this is to attach the citation to the sentence with the information from that source. If this is a quote, the quote mark goes before the citation, then the period after. So:
Cyber bullying is a first emerging public safety issue that has been neglected over the decade (Tokunaga, 2010).
So just to make sure, go through and check each citation:
1. Is the author name in the parentheses? If there’s no author listed, just use the first couple words of the title in “” quote marks before the year, like (“Identity Overload,” 2015).
2. Does the first word in the citation match the first word in the corresponding reference entry for that source?
3. Is the year there after the comma? (Jones, 2015). If you can’t find the year of publication, you can use “n.d.” for “no date”, like (Socrates, n.d.). Do try to find the year (webpages will usually have copyright dates, for example, so look at the bottom of the page), because information goes out of date quickly, and you want the professor to know you’re up to date.
4. Did you move the end-of-the-sentence period to after the citation, so that the citation is part of the sentence?
5. If you put the page number, did you use (p. #) with a space before the number?
You’re almost there! These are minor things because you’ve already got the important aspect right—citing any info from an outside source.
References page:
You have good sources there! A good site for all the APA examples is the Purdue OWL site, which is updated frequently as changes are made.
So I'm going to note a couple issues that jump out at me on your References page:
· First, center "References" at the top of the page. This should be a separate page at the end of the paper. Don't use ALL CAPS.
· Use the standard format you have used in the paper—12 pt font, 1 inch margins, double-spacing. Don't change anything about the format in the references section. Remember—double space. I know it looks kind of bad, but that's the rule!
· When this is a chapter or part of a book, put In before the book title.
· With book publishers, put the publisher location (Oxford, UK) before the publisher name.
· Italicize book, website, and journal titles. (That is, you italicize titles of “big things” like a book or website or magazine, but not titles of “little things” like a single article or song.) If this is a “publishing entity” for an article (the magazine, the website, etc.), it should go right after the article title.
· My suggestions below:
See here for an example of an APA references page that explains the intricacies of formatting .
Introductory Elements
Punctuation's main purpose is to signal to the reader what parts of the sentence go together. For example, in this sentence:
While some states have legislations on criminal law applying to cyber bullying not all of them, have effective response methods as it is assumed that most of these bullying happens in only in schools or to adolescent peers.
...the introductory phrase or clause While some states have legislations on criminal law applying to cyber bullying creates a different "unit of meaning" than the main clause beginning "not all". If you separate those with a comma, the reader won't run the two together -- bullying not. That's not all that confusing, but sometimes without the comma, it's impossible to tell what goes with what. And even a moment where the readers are confused and have to re-read brings the danger of losing their attention. Hence the rule: Introductory phrases and clauses should be set off from the main sentence with a comma:
While some states have legislations on criminal law applying to cyber bullying, not all of them have effective response methods as it is assumed that most of these bullying happens in only in schools or to adolescent peers.
As you go through your paper, look for these sentences with introductory elements, and set the introductory off with a comma afterwards. This will take care of about 70% of comma problems.
This is pretty easy to fix as you revise, once you get used to recognizing these introductory clauses and phrases. They'll be at the beginning of the sentence, but the main part of the sentence, the main subject and verb clause, will be after that. It's just a matter of finding where the intro phrase or clause is, and where the main clause begins, and putting a comma to separate them. Some examples (intro phrase or clause bolded):
Intro phrases:
Therefore, Napoleon's invasion of Russia led to his doom.
In 1815, Wellington won the battle of Waterloo.
Well, I don’t know about that.
After that, she went to the university to study biology.
Already knowing everything, my teenaged son won't listen to me.
Garish with red and blue stripes, his shirt clashed with everything.
Intro clauses:
Even after I drink the warm milk, I can't fall asleep.
When she was 16, her parents bought the house in Surrey.
When she asked, he couldn't explain.
Before it starts to rain, let's finish painting the garage door.
Try watching for these as you revise! It's an easy fix once you know what you're looking for. :)
More complicated information leads to complicated sentences! So be sure and go over your paper looking for sentence problems. Fixing those will help you communicate more clearly to the reader.
Good luck! As you continue your work on this project, be sure to:
1. Make sure that the statement of the problem is directed at the executive's position.
2. Think about using the first sentence of a paragraph to state clearly the paragraph point.
3. Put the sentence period after the citation.
4. Read aloud to catch typos and missing words like:
The authorities mandated with the administration of public safety policies such as the national government at Congress level and the local government should device legislative policies that empower the policing institution dealing with the public safety menace. (should be-- should devise )
thus increasing the online presence of variating individual characters. (should be various
Good work! You're well-started on the revision now!
It’s been my pleasure assisting you with your essay, and I’d like to invite you to resubmit for additional feedback at any stage of the writing process. Best of luck and have a splendid semester!
Writing Advisor:
Alicia Rasley
The Effective Writing Center
University of Maryland University College
3501 University Boulevard East, Adelphi, Maryland 20783
UMUC Effective Writing Center
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