ENG 121 Respond dis2
Revision Checklist
Your name: Simone Doyle
Date:
1/11/2018
· Outline your essay as it currently stands.
Introduction:
State your attention grabber:
Life as an army brat, I can remember it as if it were yesterday. There are many things about being a brat that can be rewarding and also very difficult at times.
State your thesis:
This particular time when we moved back to Germany was a little harder than any of the pervious moves. I was getting ready to start at another school this year.
Body paragraph 1:
State your topic sentence:
There are many things about being a military brat that can be rewarding and also a very difficult at times.
Summarize your evidence/examples:
Traveling a lot, and moving from school to school can make it difficult to make friends, or even to keep friends. I was a freshman in high school and this move made it my third high school in 6 months. Didn’t have the answers, and wasn’t mentally prepared for what was in store for me.
Body paragraph 2: This paragraph gives a little bit of background history of where Hanau actually is, and what were its surrounding areas.
State your topic sentence:
Hanau American High School was located in Hanau, Germany on a base named Pioneer Kaserne.
Summarize your evidence/examples: What are some of the other bases around Hanau, what type of military members were stationed there. A little bit of back ground history on the school itself.
Body paragraph 3: My life as a Hanau Panther started as I entered the building still not sure what to expect.
State your topic sentence: I entered the hallways looking for the counselor’s office to find out what my new schedule was going to be.
Summarize your evidence/examples: Waited in the counselor’s office to actually meet my advisor, get my schedule and get the school map. I had never been in a school this big before.
Body paragraph 4:
State your topic sentence: I would have never thought that being a student there would have contributed so much to my life.
Summarize your evidence/examples: I had many ups and downs, many firsts, some of which included first boyfriend, first dance, and first football game. As with any firsts, there are also lasts. I was taught to be successful not only as a student but also as a person in life.
Conclusion
As a new comer to Hanau High, I was scared, and really didn’t know how I was going to be treated by the students that were already there. To my surprise I was accepted as one of them.
Transition word:
How purpose is reemphasized:
I re-emphasized the purpose by summarizing each paragraph and its relevance to the thesis statement. I also mention that I hope my essay helped the reader understand more about the topic I discussed.
· Locate two gaps in the outline where you need to make connections more clear. See “Is the Paper Coherent?” in Chapter 9, Section 2 of your textbook.
1. The topic sentence for the first paragraph and the second need to come together a little more.
2. There is a gap between my fifth and sixth paragraph, somehow I need to bring those together to help with the flow of the paper.
· How can I make my essay more organized? List two ideas?
1. I think that I need to look at the paragraphs and possibly move them in a different order, maybe have the opening paragraph about Hanau in general.
2. My conclusion is two separate paragraphs, I need to try to combine those and possible leave out repetitive information.
· Where can I add more content? List two ideas. Describe what you might add.
1. By combining the last two paragraphs and making a stronger conclusion, this will make the paper have closure. Explaining that Brats normally stick together.
· List 3 to 5 instructions for improvement provided by your instructor on your week 1 practice essay
That would also helpful as you revise your week 3 draft.
1. I need to add more detail about the school I attended, add more information about the friends I made
2. I need to add more dialogs into my paper between myself and other, which will help get a better feel about how it actually is to be a brat, and by moving around.
3. The concluding paragraph should relate in some way back to the thesis statement.
4. The thesis was not fully developed through relevant examples and evidence.
5. I needed to add additional elements regarding the narrative writing style, such as dialogue. I have since added dialogue to improve that.
· List 1 to 3 specific suggestions for improvement provided by your peers from your week 3 draft that you wish to address.
1. Including more dialogue. I have incorporated that into my updated rough draft.
2. Incorporating additional descriptive words of the differences between Puerto Rico and Idaho.
3.