Order 539016: Final Paper
a
SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL,
A
COM E D Y;
AS IT IS PERFOR.MED AT THE
THE A T R S-R 0 r A L,
IN
LON DON
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DUB LIN.
D U 9: LIN:
PRINTED IN THE YEAR, M,DGC,LXXX.
The title-page of the first published (pirated) edition of The School for Stat/dal
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I
DRAMATIS PERSONJ£
As acted at Drury Lane Theatre, May 17771
SIR PETER TEAZLE
SIR OUVER SURFACE
JOSEPH SURFACE CHARLES SURFACE CRABTREE
SIR BENJAMIN BACKlJITE
ROWLEY MOSES
TRIP SNAKE
CARELESS SIR TOBY DUMPER
LADY TEAZLE MARIA
LADY SNEER WELL
MRS. CANDOUR
Mr. King Mr. Yates Mr. Palmer Mr. Smith Mr. Parsons Mr. Dodd Mr. Aickin Mr. Baddeley Mr. La Mash Mr. Packer Mr. Farren Mr. Gaudry Mrs. Abington Miss P. Hopkins Miss Sherry Miss Pope
A report of the lirst performance, in the Public Ad~crtjser, 9 May, noted that the 'gentlemen' (i.e. Charles's friends) were played by R. Palmer, Norris, and Chaplin. 'Sir Harry Bumper' was tnken by J. S. Gaudry.
A PORTRAIT
Address'd to a Lady' with the Comcuv of the g School for Scandal . :s ler Tell me, ye prim Adepts ill Scandal's School th Who rail by Precept, and detmct by Rule,
ons d In
Icley
Lives there no Character so tri(:ti-so known So deck'd with Grace-and so unlike vour ()WJ1 That evenYUII assist her Fame tu raise, Approve by Envy, and by Silence praise?
Jash Attend I-a model shall attract your vie\\' er Daughters of Calumny2:-1 summon YOU: ~n You shall decide if this a Portrait prove, :lry Or fond Creation of the Muse and Love. 10 £lgton Attend!-Ye Virgin Critics shrewd and sage, Iopkins Ye Matron Censors of this Childish age, rry Whose peering Eye, and wrinkled Front declare
A flx'd Antipathy to Yotl1lg and Fair: By Cunning cautious, or by Nature cold, In maiden Malice virulently bold-
Attend-Ye skill'd to coin the precious Tale, Creating Proof-where Innuendos fail! Whose practic'd Mem'ries---<:ruelly exact Omit no Circumstance-except the Fact! 20 Attend!-All ye who boast-or Old or Young The living Libel of a Sland'rous Tongue! So shall my Theme as far contrasted be As Saints by Fiends-or Hymns by Calumny.
Come, gentle Amoret,S (-for 'neath that Name
ay, noted that the In worthier Verse4 is sung thy Beauty's Fame)
'ris, and Qluplin. , Fl'l1nccs Anne Crewe (IUS-ISIS), wife ofJohn, later first Lord Crewe (1742-1829). The Criti( was dedicated to her mother, Frances Oreville.
, Harlan W. Hamilton, Dotlor Synta.'r, A Silhouette of William Combe, Esq., 1742 1823 (1969), pp. 58, 28/i, notes that in the iWortling POSI, 25 Feb., 31 Mar. 1777, ,he play was called TIle S(hQol for Slallllcr. He suggests that Sheridan changed the title to achieve greater accuracy.
3 Frances Crewe. She was on very friendly terms with the Sheridans for many years.
-I See R. C. Rhodes, The Plays and Poems of• .• Sheridan, m. 199-200, for the sug
222 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
Come-for but tlttt whom seeks the Muse ?-and while Celestial Blushes check thy conscious Smile, With timid Grace, and hesitating Eye- The perfect Model which I boast-supply! . 30 Vain Muse,-could'st Thou the humblest Sketch create Of Her-or slightest Charm could'st imitate, Could thy blest Strain, in kindred Colours, trace The faintest Wonder of her Form, or Face- Poets would study the immortal Line, And Reynolds' own his Art subdued by thintl That Art I-which well might added Lustre give To Nature's best I-and Heaven's superlative 1 On Granby'sz Cheek might bid new Glories rise, Or point a purer Beam from Devon's3 Eyes!- 40
Hard is the Task to shape that Beauty's Praise, Whose Judgment scorns the Homage-Flatt'ry pays 1 But praising Amoret-we cannot err: No Tongue o'ervalues Heav'n-or flatters Her! Yet She-by Fate's Perverseness I-She alone Would doubt oui" Truth-nor deem such Praise her own.
Adorning Fashion-unadorn'd by Dress Simple from Taste-and not from Carelessness. Discreet in Gesture, in Deportment mild, Not stiff with Prudence, nor uncouthly wild- 50 No State has Amoret!-no studied Mien! She apes no·Goddess!-and she moves no QJleen! The softer Charm that in her Manner lies Is fram'd to captivate, yet not surprise; It justly suits th'Expression of her Face, 'Tis less than Dignity-and more than Grace!
gestion that Sheridan's first wife gave the name of Amoret to Mrs. Crewe in her poem 'Laura to Silvio', praising her 'gentle step and hesitating grace'. He adds that this poem is the 'worthier verse', and that Sheridan replied to it and echoed some phrases in 'A Portrait'. Charles Fox, however, also wrote verses to 'Amoret', which are mentioned by Horace Walpole in a letter of 2'1 May 1775, to William Mason.
t Sir Joshua Reynolds (I723-<JZ) painted three portraits of Mrs. Crewe. % Mary Isabella (Somerset), wife of Charles Manners, Marquis of Granby, and after
wards fourth Duke of Rutland. Cf. 'To Silvio' (T. Moore, Memoirs of • .. Sheridull, i. 204).
3 Georgiana (Spencer), first wife of William Cavendish, fifth Duke of Devonshire. The beauty of her eyes was constantly mentioned: cf. 'To Silvio' (Moore, op. cit., i. ~04). Iris Palmer, Tile Fact without a Frow" (1944), p. 85. mentions that the Devon shires were thought to be the originals of Sir Peter and Lady Teazle.
i
L
use ?-and while :mile,
plyI 30
~st Sketch Create litate, ucs, trace 'uce
thitle! stre give lativel ,des risc, yes 1- 40 r's Praise ~1 ' att'ry pays!
rs Her! alone 1 Praise her OlPlI. ss ~ssness.
, lild 50 ! .Qpcenl s
race!
:. Crewe in her poem l adds that this poem ( some phrases in 'A :ch are mentioned by
. Crewe. ,fGranby, and after ,irs of . •• Sherid411,
)uke of Devonshire. ie' (Moore, ep. cit., ens that the Devon-
A PORTRAIT 213 On her pure Cheek the native Hue is such,
That form'd by Heav'n to be admir'd so much, The Hand that made her with such partial Care, Might well have fix'd a fainter Crimson there, 60 And bade the gentle Inmate of her Breast, Inshrined Modesty!-supply the Rest.
But Who the Peril of her Lips shall paint? Strip them of smiles-still, still all words were faint! But moving-Love himself appears to teach Their Action-tho' denied to rule her Speechl And Thou,-who seest her speak-ano dost not hcar, Mourn not her distant Accents 'scape thine ear, Viewillg those Lips-thou still may'st make pretence To judge of what she says-and swear 'tis Sense; Cloath'd with such Grace, with such Expression fraught, They move in meaning, and they pause in Thought! But do'st thou further watch, with charm'll Surprise, The mild Irresolution of her Eyes? Curious to mark-how frequent they repose In brief Eclipse, and momentary close? Ahl-see'st Thou not I-an ambush'd Cupid there Too tim'rous of his Charge I-with jealous care Veils, and unveils those Beams of heav'nly Light, Too full-too fatal eL~e for mortal Sight! 80 Nor yet-such pleasing Vengeance fond to meet In pard'ning Dimples hope a safe retreat, What tho' her peaceful Breast should ne'er allow Subduing Frowns to arm her alter'd Brow, By Love! I swear-and by his gentler wiles 1 More fatal still-the Mercy of her Smiles I
Thus lovely!-thus adorn'd!-possessing all Of bright, or fair-that can to woman fall, The Height of Vanity might well be thought Prerogative in her,-and Nature's Fault; Yet gentle Amoret-in mind supreme As well as Charms-rejects the vainer Theme; And half mistrustful of her Beauty's store She barbs with Wit-those Darts too keen before.
Grac'd by those signs-which Truth delights to own, The timid Biush,-and mild submitted Tone
100
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
Whate'er she says-tho' Sense appear throughout Bears the unartful Hue of female Doubt. Deck'd with that Charm, how lovely Wit appears. How graceful Science when that Robe she wears! Such too her Talents, and her Bent of Mind As speak a sprightly Heart-by Thought refin'd: A Taste for Mirth-by Contemplation school'd; A Turn for Ridicule-by Candour rul'dj A Scorn of Folly-which she tries to hide; An awe of Talent-which she owns with Pride.
Peace idle Muse!-no more thy Strain prolong, But yield a Theme, thy warmest Praises "'Tong, Just to her Merit tho' thou canst not raise Thy feeble Verse-behold th'acknowledg'd Praise no Has spread Conviction thro' the envious Train, And cast a fatal Gloom o'er Scandal's Reign! And Lo! each pallid Hag, with blister'd Tongue, Mutters Assent to all thy Zeal has sung, Owns all the Colours just-the Outline true, Thee my Inspirer-and my Model-CREWE!
roughout
t appears. e wears! roo lind refin'd:
:hool'd;
e', Pride.
prolong, wrong, e 'd Praise no Train, ign! rongue,
ue, WE!
PROLOGUE
Spoken by Mr. King Written by D. G(mick, Esqr.
A School for SCllndllt! tell me I beseech you Needs there a School this modish art to teach you? No need of lessons 'lOW the knowing think: We might as well be taught to Eat, and drink: Caus'd by a Dearth of Scandal, should the Vapours Distress our Fair ones,-Iet 'Em read the Papers Their pow'rful Mixtures such disorders hit Crave what they will, there's ,/Illil/tum SlIjJicit.
'Lud' cries I'i}' Lady Wf)rmwflfld, who loves Tattle, And puts much Salt and pepper in her prattle; 10 Just ris'n at Noon, all Night at Cards when threshing; Strong Tea and Scandal, 'bless me how refreshing! Give me the Papers Lisp-how bold, and free-{sips) Last Night Lord L- (sips) was caught with Lady D For aching heads what charming Sal Volatile! (sips) IfMrs. B: will still continue flirting, We hope she'll draw, or we'll tm-draw the Curtain. Fine Satire poz-in publick all ahuse it- But by Ourselves,-(sips) our praise we can't refuse it. Now Lisp read )'ou-ther~ at that dash and Star'-(sips) 'Yes Ma'am-a certain 'Lord had best beware, Who lives not twenty Miles from Grosv'nor Square For should he Lady fV find willing, Wormwood is bitter'-'O that's me the villain Throw it behind the fire, and never more, Let that vile paper come within my door.' Thus at our friends we laugh, who feel the Dart To reach our feelings, we ourselves must Smart.
Is our Young Bard so young to think that He Can Stop the full Spring-tide of Calumny 30 Knows he the World so little and Its trade? Alas, the Devil is sooner rais'd, than laid
226 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
SO strong, so swift, the Monster there's no gagging; Cut Scandal's head off":""still the tongue is wagging. Proud of your Smiles once lavishly bestow'd Again our young Don Quixote takes the road: To shew his Gratitud(.>--hc draws his pen, And seeks this Hydra-Scandal in Its den From his fell gripe the frighted filiI' to save Tho he should £,ll-th'attempt must ple.tsc the brave. 40 For your applause, all perils he woukl through, He'll fight, that's write, a Gwallicl'O true, Till Ev'ry drop of Blood, that's Ink, is spilt for YOl••
, gagging; wagging. 'd ad:
~ the brave. ugh,
t for YOIl.
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
Act ISt
Scmc HI
LADY SNEER WELL'S' HOllse
LADY SNEER WELL til tile "rwing Tllbie
SN A KE drinkillg CllOco/;zte.
LADY SNEER WELL. The Paragraphs you say, Mr. Snake, were all inserted?
SNAKE. They were Madam-and as I copied them myself in a feign'd Hand there can be no suspicion whence they came.
LA DY SNEER. Did you circulate the Report of Lady Brittle's Intrigue with Captain Boastall ?
SN AKE. That is in as fine a Train as your Ladyship could wish.-In the common course of Things, I think it must reach Mrs. Oackit's' Ears within four and twenty Hours and then you know rhe Business is as ~u~ ro
LADY SNEER. Why truly Mrs. Clackit has a very pretty Talent, and a great deal of industry.
SNAKE. True madam and has been tolerably successful in her day. To my Knowledge-she has been the cause of six matches being broken off, and three sons being disinherited, of four forced Elopements, as many close confinements, nine separate maintenances, and two Divorces.-nay, I have more than once traced her causing a Tete-a Tete in the Town and Country MagazineJ-when the Parties perhaps have never seen each other's Paces before in the course of their Lives.
, There is a critic named Sneerwell in Fielding's Pasquin ('736), but he seems like Lady Sneerwell only when he says, 'Consider, sir, I am my own enemy.'
• Mrs. Clackit is a character in Gay's Tlte Distress'd Wifo. The name is also used in a story in the Town and Country Magazine, iii (J771), 242.
; This monthly periodical began in Jan. 1769, and in its first number declared, 'we flatter ourselves that the. anecdotes we shall be able to furnish, will be the means of handing down to posterity a lively idea of the prevailing beauties, and their most zealous admirers, of this aera'. These were the bllSis of the Tete-a,Tete, in which a scandalous intrigue between a man and woman in fashionable life was described in plausible detail, and illustrated with portraits of the parties concerned. Their identities were also suggested by pseudonyms or initials. The authors of these pieces were apparently men named Beaufort and Cancioli: see E. H. W. Meyerstein, A Lift of Thomas Chatterton (I930), p. 404.
:::~8 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
LADY SNEER. She certainly has Talents, but her manner is gross. 20 SNAKE. 'Tis very true-she generally, designs well-has a free tongue
and a bold invention-but her colouring is too dark and her outline often extravagant. She wants that delicacy of Hint-and mellowness of sneer which distinguish your Ladyship's Scandal.
LADY SNEER. Ah! you are Partial Snake. SNAKE. Not in the least-everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell can do
more with a word or a Look, than many can with the most labour'd Detail even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support it.
LADY SNEER. Yes my dear Snake, and I am no Hypocrite to deny the 30 satisfaction I reap from the Success of my Efforts--wounded myself in the early Part of my Life by the envenom'd Tongue of Slander I confess I have since known no Pleasure equal to the reducing others, to the Level of my own injured Reputation-.
SNAKE. Nothing can be more natural-But Lady Sneerwell-There is one affair in which you have lately employ'd me wherein I confess I am at a Loss to guess your motives.
LADY SNEER. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour Sir Peter Teazle and his Family?
SNAKE. I do; here are two young men, to whom Sir Peter has acted as 40 a kind of Guardian since their Father's death, the elder possessing the most amiable Olaracter and universally well spoken of, the other the most dissipated and extravagant young Fellow in the Kingdom with out Friends or Character-the former an avow'd Admirer of your Ladyship, and apparently your Favourite; the latter attached to Maria, Sir Peter's ward-and confessedly belov'd by her-now on the face of these circumstances it is utterly unaccountable to me why you, the Widow ofa City Knight with a good Jointure-should not close with the Passion of a man of such character and expectations as Mr. Surface and more so why you should be so uncommonly earnest to destroy the 50 mutual Attachment-subsisting between his brother Charles, and Maria.
LADY SNEER. Then at once to unravel this mystery-I must inform you that Love has no share whatever in the intercourse between Mr. Surface and me.
SNAKE. No! LADY SNEER. His real attachmt:nr IS to Maria or her Fortune-but
finding in his Brother a favour'd Rival He has been obliged to mask his Pretensions-and profit by my Assistance.
SNAKE. Yet still I am more puzzled why you should interest yourself in his Success- 60
LADY SNE,ER. Heav'nsl how dull you. are!,-cannot you surmise the weakness which I hitherto thro' shame have conceal'd even from you? -must I confess iliat Charles-that Libertine, that extravagant-that
ACT I, SCENE I 2Zg lner is gross. 20
Bankrupt in Fortune and Reputation-that He it is for whom I am -has a free tongue thus anxious and malicious and to gain whom I would sacrificerk and her outline everything ?l·and mellowness of
SNAKE. Now indeed-your conduct appears consistent-hut how came YOU and Mr. Surface so confidential-
L.o\'DY SNEER. For our mutual interest; I have found him out it long timer Sneerwell can do since-I know him to be artful selfish and malicious-in short, a 70the most labour'd Sentimental' Knave. :h on their side to
SNAKE. Yet, Sir Peter vows He has not his equal in England-and above all-he praises him as a mlln ofSentimentocrite to deny the 30 LADY SNEER. True and with the assistance of his Sentiments and -wounded myself Hypocrisy he has brought him entirely into his Interest with regard to 'ongue of Slander Maria . . e reducing others,
Enter SERVANT. eerwelI-There is SERVANT. Mr. Surface. .vh erein I confess LADY SNEER. Shew him up. [Exit SERVANT •
He generally calls about this Time-I don't wonder at People's giving him to me for a Lover- 80ny neighbour Sir
Ellter SURFACE. Jeter has acted as 40 SURFACE. My dear Lady Sneerwell-how do you do-to Day? Mr. ler possessing the Snake your most Obedient. of, the other the LADY SNEER. Snake has just been arraigning me on our mutual attach ~ Kingdom with ment but I have informed him of our rcal views-you know how useful Admirer of your he has been to us-and believe me the confidence is not ill placed. ttached to Maria, SURFACE. Madam it is impossible for me to suspect a man of Mr. )w on the face of Snake's sensibility and discernment- ne why you, the LADY SNEER. Well-well-no compliments now-but tell me when you not close with the saw y~ur Mistress Maria, or what is more material to me your Brother IS Mr. Surface- SURF ACE. I have not seen either since I left you-but I can inform you 90 !!it to destroy the 50 that they never meet-some of your Stories have taken a good effect .arles, and Maria. on Maria. -I must inform LADY SNEER. Ah I my dear Snake the merit of this belongs to you-but rse between Mr. do your Brother's Distresses cncrease-?
SURFACE. Every-hour-I am told He has had another execution in the House yesterday-in short his Dissipation and extravagance exceed
r Fortune-but any thing I ever heard of- obliged to mask
I Cf. Mellefont's lines in Congreve's Thd Double-Dealer (1694), I. i; 'None besides you, and Maskwell, are acquainted with the Secret of my Aunt Touchl1J(}od's violent
.nterest yourself Passion for me. Since my first refusal of her Addresses, she has endeavour'd to do me 60 all ill Offices with my Uncle.•• .'
Given to moral reflections. See Erik Erametsd, A Study of tht Word' S'lltimtlltal' ou surmise the 1 and ofather Linguistic Characteristics ofEighteenth Ctnlllry Stntimenlalism in Ef/glalld
even from you? (Helsinki, 1951), pp. 27-39; and [Samuel Richardson] A Collection ofMoral SmtitMnts travagant-that (1755).
230 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
LADY SNEER. Poor Charles! SURFACE. True Madam-notwithstanding his Vices one can't help
feeling for him-aye, poor Charles! I'm sure I wish it was in my Power roo to be of any essential Service to him-for the man who does not share in the Distresses of a Brother, even tho' merited by his own misconduct -deserves-
LADY SNEER. 0 Lud you are going to be moral and forget that you are among Friends-
SURFACE. Egad that's true-I'll keep that sentiment 'till I see Sir Peter, however it is certainly a charity to rescue Maria from such a Libertine -who if He is to be reclaim'd can be so only by a Person of your Ladyship's superior accomplishments and understanding.
SNAKE. I believe Lady Sneerwell here's Company coming, I'll go and lIO Copy the Letter I mentioned to you.-Mr. Surface your most Obedient. [E.t·it SNAKE.
SURFACE. Sir, your very devoted.-Lady Sneerwell, I am very sorry you have put any further confidence in that Fellow.
LADY SNEER. Why so? SURFACE. I have lately detected him in frequent Conference with old
Rowley who was formerly my Father's Steward, and has never, you know, been a Friend of mine.
LADY SNEER. And do you think he would betray us? SURFACE. Nothing more likely: take my word for't Lady SneerwelI, 120
that Fellow hasn't Virtue enough to be faithful even to his own Villainy.-hah! Maria!
Enter MARIA. LADY SNEER. Maria, my dear-how do you do-what's the matter? MARIA. 0 there is that disagreeable Lover of mine Sir Benjamin Back
bite has just call'd at my Guardian's, with his Odious Uncle Crabtree so I slipt out and run hither to avoid them.
LADY SNEER. Is that all-? SURFACE. If my Brother Charles had been of the Party, Ma'am, per
haps you would not have been so much alarmed. LADY SNEER. Nay nOW-YOll are severe for I dare swear the Truth of I30
the matter is Maria heard you were here;-but-my dear-what has Sir Benjamin done that YOll should avoid him so-
MARIA. Oh He has done nothing-but tis for what he has said-his conversation is a perpetual Libel on all his Acquaintance.
SURFACE. Aye and the worst of it is there is no advantage in not knowing him; for He'll abuse a Stranger just as soon as his best Friend-and his Uncle's as bad.
LADY SNEER. Nay but we should make allowance, Sir Benjamin is a Wit and a Poet.
AL ACT I, SCENE I z31
MARl A. For my part-lawn madam-Wit lo~s its respect with me when 140lic~s one can't help I oee it in company with malice.I-what do you think Mr. Surface?.s11 It was in my Power 100 SURFACE. Certainly, Madam, to smile at the jest which plants a Thorn inIn '~ho does not share another's Breast is to become a principal in the Mischief.Iy his Own misconduct
LADY SNEER. Pshaw!-there's no possibility of being witty-without a little ill nature-the malice of a good thing is the Barb that makes itld forget that you are stick-what's your opinion, Mr. Surface?
SURFACE. To be sure madam-that conversation where the Spirit ofIt 'till I see Sir Peter Raillery is suppress'd will ever appear tedious and insipid- from such a Libertin~
LADY SNEER. Well I'll not debate how far Scandal mav be allowable-but by a Person of your in a man I am sure it is always contemptiblc;-we have Pride, envy, 150,tanding._
Rivalship, and a Thousand motives to depreciate each other-but the coming, I'll go and 110 male-Slanderer-must have the cowardice of a woman before He can Surface your most traduce one.
[Exit SNAKE. Ellter SERVANT. ~11, I am very sorry w. SERVANT. Madam Mrs. Candour is below and if your Ladyship's at
leisure will leave her earriage- LADY SNEER. Beg her to walk in-Now Maria however here is a Charac:onference with old
ter to your Taste for tho' Mrs. Candour is a little talkative Everybodyand has never, you allows her to be the best natured and best sort of Woman-
MARIA. Yes with a very gross affectation of good Nature and Benevol? ence-she does more Mischief than the Direct malice ofold Crabtree.- 160-'t Lady Sneerwell, 120
SURFACE. 'Efaith 'tis very true Lady Sneerwell. Whenever-I hear theI even to his own current running against the Characters of my Friends I never think them in such Danger as when Candour undertakes their Defence.
LADY SNEER. Hush here she is
It's the matter? Enter MRS. CANDOUR. lir Benjamin Back
MRS. CANDOUR. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how have you been this s Uncle Crabtree Century-Mr. Surface, what News do you hear? tho' indeed it is no matter, for I think one hears nothing else but Scandal-
SURFACE. Just so, indeed Madam-.'arty, Ma'am, per~ MRS. CAN DOUR. Ah! Maria Child-what is the whole affair off between
you and Charles-His extravagance I presume-The Town talks of 170 wear the Truth of flO nothing else- Iy dear-what has
MARIA. I am very sorry Ma'am, the Town has so little to do. MRS. CANDOUR. True-true Child but there is no stopping People's
he has said-his Tongues. T own I was hurt to hear it-as indeed I was to learn from :anee. the same quarter that your Guardian Sir Peter and Lady Teazle have ge in not knowing not agreed lately so well as could be wish'd. t Friend-and his MARIA. 'Tis strangely impertinent for People to busy themselves so
3enjamin is a Wit cr. Steele's statement, 'I abhor ... that kind of Wit which betl':lYs ha.rdness ofI Heart' (Richard Stule's Periodical JOllfffalism, ed. R. Blanchard (Oxford, 1959), p. 35)·
lone? People will :erday, I was told Flirt-but Lord! 180 e I had this from
'ull but the world ·who would have 1 yet such is the last Week just as ancing master. ~eport- : swear, no more 190 7 Mrs. Festino's! latter was never
i::e is monstrous
such things are
:e as bad as the Jne-but what's Ie from talking? 200 neymoon-were r acquaintances t st.r:et had got rpnsmg manner irm'd that Lord rdinary Fame- measure swords uld report these as bad as tale
210
orbeal'ance and
to hear People nces come out lk the best-by ,lutely ruin'd eed-Ma'am.
l entertainments) 1776.
ACT I, SCENE I :l33
MRS. CANDOUR. Ah! I heard so-but you must tell him to keep up his Spirits-every body almost is in the same way-Lord Spindle,l Sir Thomas Splint, Captain QIinze, and Mr. Nickit>-all up I hear within 220 this Week! so if Charles is undone He'll find half his Acquaintances ruin'd too-and that you know is a consolation·
SURFACE. Doubtless Ma'am-a very great onc-
Enter SERV ANT. SERVANT. Mr. Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite. [Exit SERVANT. LADY SNEER. Soh! Maria, You see your Lover pursues you. Positively
you shan't escape-
Enter CRABTREE, ami SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE. CRABTREE. Lady Sneerwell-I kiss your hands-Mrs. Candour I don't
believe you are acquainted with my Nephew Sir Benjamin llackbite egad Ma'am-He has a pretty Wit-and is a pretty Poet too isn't He Lady Sneerwell:- 230
SIR BENJ. 0 fie Uncle- CRABTREE. Nay egad it's true. I'll back him at a Rebusl or a
Charade4 against the best Rhymer in the Kingdom-has your Ladyship heard the Epigram He wrote last week on Lady Frizzle's Feather catch ing Fire? do Benjamin repeat it-or the Charade you made last Night extempore at Mrs. Drowzy's conversazione-come now your first is the Name of a Fish, your second a great Naval Commander-and
SIR BENJ. Uncle-now-prithee- CRABTREE. Efaith Ma'am-'twould surprise you to hear how ready He
is at these Things.- 240 LADY SNEER. I wonder Sir Benjamin you never publish any-thing. SIR BENJ. To say truth Ma'am 'tis very vulgar to Print, and as my little
Productions are mostly Satires and Lampoons on particular people I find they circulate more by giving copies! in confidence to the Friends
1 'Lord Spindle' was one of the figur~s in a pupp~t-show play called The Auction Room, given in the Grand Saloon of Ex~ter 'Change on 1.3 December 1776.
• 'Nick' was a winning throw at dice. To 'nick it' was to guess correctly. l Condemned by Addison in one of his papers on 'false wit': 'I find likewise among
the Ancients that ingenious Kind of Conceit, which the Moderns distinguish by the Name of a Rebus, that does not sink a Letter but a whole Word, by substituting a Picture in its place' (The Spectator, ed. D. F. Bond (Oxford, 1965), i. 2S0}.
• Cf. R. Tiekell, The Wreath 0/Fasllion (I777), p. 7: With chips of wit, and mutilated lays, See Palmerstoll fineer his Bout's Rhimies. Fav'rite of ev'ry Muse, elect of Phoebus, To string Charades, or fabricate a Rebus.
• Cf. Poetical Amusemet/IS at a Villa near Bath (2nd edn., 1776), i. p. v: 'The Editor does not apprehend private confidence wounded in the present publication, lIS the greatest part of these poems were acknowledged by their Authors in numerous IISsemb lies, and with their approbation copied and dispersed through every quarter ofEngland.'
180
232 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
MRS. CANDOUR. Very true Child but what's to be done? People will talk-there's no preventing it.-why it was but yesterday, I was told that Miss Gadabout had eloped with Sir Filagree Flirt-but Lord! there is no minding what one hears-tho' to be sure I had this from very good Authority.
MARIA. Such Reports are highly scandalous- MRS. CANDOUR. SO they are Child-shameful! shameful! but the world
is so censorious, no character escapes-Lud now!-who would have suspected your Friend Miss Prim of an Indiscretion yet such is the ill nature of People that they say her Uckle stopt her last Week just as she was stepping into the York Diligence with her Dancing master.
MARIA. I'll answer for't there are no grounds for the Report- MRS. CANDOUR. Dh no foundation in the world I dare swear, no more
probably than for the story circulated last month-of Mrs. Festino's' affair with Colonel Cassino-tho' to be sure that matter was never rightly clear'd up.
SURFACE. The Licence of invention some People take is monstrous indeed.
MARIA. 'Tis so-but in my opinion those who report such things are equally culpable.
MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure they are-Tale Bearers are as bad as the Tale makers-'tis an old observation and a very true one-but what's to be done as I said before-how will you prevent People from talking? -to Day Mrs. Clackit assur'd me Mr. and Mrs. Honeymoon-were at last become mere man and wife like the rest of their acquaintances -she likewise hinted that a certain widow in the next street had got rid of her Dropsy and recover'd her shape in a most surprising manner -and at the same time Miss Tattle who was bye affirm'd that Lord Buffalo had discover'd his Lady at a house of no extraordinary Fame and that Sir Harry Bouquet:! and Tom Saunter were to measure swords on a similar Provocation, but Lord! do you think I would report these Things? No-no Tale Bearers as I said before are just as bad as tale makers.
SURFACE. Ah! Mrs. Candour-if everybody had your Forbearance and Good nature!
MRS. CANDOUR. I confess Mr. Surface 1 cannot bear to hear People Attack'd bel;1ind their Backs and when ugly circumstances come out against one's acquaintances 1 own I always love to think the best-by the bye I hope 'tis not truc;-that your Brother is absolutely ruin'd-
SURFACE. '1 am afraid his circumstances are very bad indeed-Ma'am.
I The seventh meeting of the 'Subscription Festinos' (Italianate entertainments) in Hanover Square, were advertised in the Public Advtrli!er, 25 Apr. I776.
> He appears again in Tile Camp.
200
210
~4 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
of the Parties-however I have some love-Elegies' which when favour'd -with this Lady's smiles I mean to give to the Public.
CRABTREE. 'Fore Heav'n Ma'am they'll immortalise you-you'll be handed down to Posterity like Petrarch's Laura or Waller's Sacharissa ..
SIR DEN]. Yes Madam I think you will like them-when you shall see them on a beautiful Qyarto page where a neat rivulet of Text shall 250 murmur thro' a meadow of margin.-'fore Gad they will be the most elegant Things of their Kind.
CRABTREE. But Ladies that's true have you heard the news? MRS. CANDOUR. What Sir, do you mean the Report of- CRABTREE. No ma'am that's not it.-Miss Nicely is going to be married
to her own Footman. MRS. CANDOUR. Impossible! CRABTREE. Ask Sir Benjamin. SIR DEN]. 'Tis very true Ma'am-everything is fix'd and the Wedding
Livery bespoke. 260 CRABTREE. Yes and they do say there were pressing Reasons for't. LADY SNEER. Why I have heard something of this before. MRS. CANDOUR. It can't be-and I wonder anyone should believe such
a story of so prudent a Lady as Miss Nicely. SIR BEN]. 0 Lud ma'am that's the very reason 'twas believed at once,
she has always been so cautious and so reserved that every Body was sure there was some reason for it at bottom.
MRS. CANDOUR. Why to be sure a Talc of Scandal is as fatal to the Credit of a prudent Lady of her Stamp as a Fever is generally to those of the strongest Constitutions, but there is a sort of puny sickly Reputation '7.70 that is always ailing yet will outlive the robuster Characters of a hundred Prudes.
SIR BEN]. True Madam there arc Valetudinarians in Reputation as well as constitution-who being conscious of their weak Part avoid the least breath of air and supply their want of Stamina by care and circumspection.
MRS. CANDOUR. Well but this may be all a mistake-you know Sir Benjamin very trifling circumstances often give rise to the most injurious Tales
1 The Love Elegies (r743) of James Hammond (r71o-42) were very well known, but Sheridan may have intended a more personal jest at the expense of the author of Nuptial Elegies (r774). A copy of this work is listed in Sotheby's Catalogue of IS July 1929, item 288, as follows: 'Nuptial Elegies, vignette on title, two leaves containing II millluscnpt poem, "Sonnet to Mrs. Sheridan with Nuptial Elegies," in six six-line stanzas, bound before title, on verso of the second leaf (facing the title) "From the Author" in a contemporary hand ... .'
Z Edmund Waller (r6oH7) wrote verses to 'Sacharissa', Lady Dorothy Sidney (1617-84), afterwards Countess of Sunderland.
h when favout'd
YOU-you'll be er's Sacharissa. a :n you shall see :t of Text shall 250 will be the most
:wst
g to be married
:l the Wedding 260
ions for't.
~d believe such
ved at once, very Body was
I to the Credit o those of the Iy Reputation 270 , of a hundred
tation as well Irt avoid the by care and
)u know Sir to the most
y well known, . the author of gue of IS July s con taining a n six six-line e) "From the
rothy Sidney
ACT I, SCENE I 235
CRABTREE. That they do I'll be sworn Ma'am-did you ever hear how 280 Miss Pipet came to lose her Lover and her Character last Summer at Tunbridge ?-Sir Benjamin you remember it-
SlR BEN]. 0 to be sure the most whimsical Circumstance LADY SNEER. How was it Pray? CRABTREE. Why one Evening at Mrs. Ponto's Assembly the conversation
happen'd to turn on the difficulty of breeding Nova-Scotia Sheep in this Country-says a young Lady in company, 'I have known instances of it for Miss Letitia Piper, a first cousin of mine, had a Nova-Scotia Sheep that produc'd her Twins.'-'whatl' cries the old Dowager Lady Dundizzy (who you know is as deaf as a Post) 'has Miss Piper had 290 twins?' this Mistake as you may imagine threw the whole company into a fit of Laughing;-however 'twas the next morning everywhere reported and in a few Days believ'd by the whole Town, that Miss Letitia Piper had actually been brought to Bed of a fine Boy and a Girl -and in less than a Week there were People who could name the Father, and the Farm House where the Babies were put out to Nurse.
LADY SNEER. Strange indeed! CRABTREE. Matter of Fact I assure you-O Lud Mr. Surface pray is it
true that your Unkle Sir Oliver is coming homc- SURF ACE. Not that I know of indeed Sir. 300 CRABTREE. He has been in the east Indies a long time-you can
Scarcely remember him-I believe-sad comfort whenever he returns to hear how your Brother has gone on.
SURFACE. Charles has been imprudent Sir to be sure but I hope no Busy People have already prejudiced Sir Oliver against him-he may reform-
SlR BEN]. To be sure He may-for my Part I never believed him to be so utterly void of Principle as People say-and tho' He has lost all his Friends I am told no body is better spoken of-by the Jews.
CR~BTREE. That's true egad nephew-if the old Jewry wece a Ward 310 I believe Charles would be an alderman-no man more popular there -foregad I heac He pays as many annuities' as the Irish Tontine' , 'My Lord Winterbottom ... though he is litrle more than thirty years of age,
pays to Jew Annuitants the moderate sum of 5700 I. only out of an estate of 9000 I. per Annum.' (Robert Bage, Barham DolVtIS (1784), i. II9.)
2 Lorenzo Tonti, a seventeenth-century Neapolitan banker, invented the scheme named after him, by which contributors to a loan were paid an annuity during their lifetime and it grew in size as the number of subscribers died. The last to remain toa!.:: the whole. The Irish government set up a tontine to help pay off its debts. An advertise ment of the 'English Tontine Annuities' in the LOlldoll Er,ening Post, 2B-30 Sept. 1775, claimed that its benefits were greater than those of the 'Irish Tontine': '.1\ subscription of 100 1. in the Irish Tontine (which filled with such rapidity) produced only 100 I. a year, and 883 lives must drop before that sum could be obtained; whereas, in this Tontine, five guineas will produce 100 I. a year, or fifty guineas lOOO I. II year, after the fall of 499 lives only.'
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
and that whenever He's sick they have Prayers for the recovery of his Health in the Synagogue-
SIR BENJ. Yet no man lives in greater SpIendour:-they tell me when He entertains his Friends-He can sit down to dinner with a dozen' of his own Securities, have a score Tradesmen waiting in the Anti-Chamber and an Officer behind every Guest's Chair.
SURFACE. This may be entertainment to you Gentlemen but you pay very little regard to the Feelings of a Brother. 320
MA RIA. Their Malice is intollerable.-Lady Sneerwell I must wish you a good morning-I'm not very well- [Exit MARIA.
MRS. CANDOUR. 0 dear she chang'd colour very much-! LADY SNEER. Do Mrs. Candour follow her-she may want assistance. MRS. CANDOUR. That I will with all my soul. Ma'am-poor dear Girl-
who knows-what her situation may be! [Exit MRS. CANDOUR. LADY SNEER. 'Twas nothing but that she could not bear to hear Charles
reflected on notwithstanding their difference. SIR BENJ. The young Lady's Penchant is obvious. CRABTREE. But Benjamin-you mustn't give up the Pursuit for that- 330
follow her and put her into good humour-repeat her some of your own Verses-come I'll assist you.
SIR BENJ. Mr. Surface I did not mean to hurt you-but depend upon't your Brother is utterly undone- [going.
CRABTREE. 0 Lud! aye-undone as ever man was-can't raise a guinea. [going.
SIR BENJ. And every thing sold-I'm told that was moveable. [going.
CRABTREE. I have seen one dlat was at his house-not a thing left but some empty Bottles that were over-Iook'd, and the Family Pictures which I believe are framed in the Wainscoat.- [going.
SIR BENJ. And I'm very sorry to hear also some bad stories against him. 340 [going.
CRABTREE. 0 He has done many mean things-that's certain! SIR BENJ. But however as He's your Brother- [going. CRABTREE. We'll tell you all another opportunity.
[Exeunt CRABTREE and SIR BENJAMIN. LADY SNEER. Ha, hal hal 'tis very hard for them to leave a subject they
have not quite run down. SURFACE. And I believe the Abuse was no more acceptable to your
Ladyship than to Maria. LADY SNEER. I doubt her Affections are farther engaged than we
imagin'd but the Family are to be here this Evening so you may as well dine where you are and we shall have an opportunity of observing 350 farther, in the meantime I'll go and Plot mischief and you shall study Sentiments- [EXBUlIt.
-I
e recovery of his
tell me when He :h a dozen'ofhis e Anti-Chamber
en but you pay
3·0 [ must wish you
[Exit MARIA.
ant assistance. oar dear Girl RS. CANDOUR.
to hear Charles
'suit for that- 330 some of your
depend upon't [going.
raise a guinea. [going.
tble. [going.
thing left but mily Pictures
[going. : against him. 340
[going. ain/
[going.
BENJAMIN.
subject they
lbIe to your
~d than we may as well If observing 350 shall study
[ExeUltt.
ACT I, SCENE II :1.37
Scene 2d SIR PETER'S HOllse
Enter SIR PETER. SIR PETER. When an Old Bachelor takes a young Wife-what is he to
expectf-'Tis now Six Months since Lady Teazle made me the hap piest of Men-and I have been the miserablest Dog ever since that ever committed wedlock ;-we tift a little going to church-and came to a Qyarrel before the Bells were done ringing-I was more than once nearly choak'd with gall during the Honeymoon-and had lost all comfort in Life before my Friends had done wishing me Joy-yet I chose with caution-a Girl bred whol[l]y in the country-who never knew Luxury beyond one silk Gown nor Dissipation above the annual Gala of a Race-Ball-yet now she plays her Part in all the extravagant 10 Fopperies of the Fashion and the Town with as ready a Grace as if she had never seen a Bush nor a grass Plat out of Grosvenor-Square-! I am sneer'd at by myoId acquaintance-paragraph'd-in the news Papers-She dissipaters] my Fortune, and contradicts all my Humours: -Yet the worst ofit is I doubt I love her or I should never bear all this -However I'll never be weak enough to own it.
Enter ROWLEY. ROWLEY. Oh, Sir Peter your Servant-how is it with you Sir- SIR PETER. Very bad-Master Rowley-very bad. I meet with nothing
but crosses and vexations- ROWLEY. What can have happen'd to trouble you since yesterday? zo SIR PETER. A good-question to a married man. ROWLEY. Nay I'm sure your Lady Sir Peter can't be the cause of your
uneasiness. SIR PETER. Why has anyone told you she was dead? ROWLEY. Come-come Sir Peter you love her notwithstanding your
tempers do not exactly agree. SIR PETER. But the Fault is entirely hers Master Rowley-I am myself
the sweetest temper'd Man alive and hate a teizing Temper-and so I tell her a hundred Times-a day-
ROWLEY. Indeed! 30 SIR PETER. Aye and what is very extraordinary in all our disputes she
is always in the wrong! but Lady Sncerwell and the Set she meets at her House encourage the perverseness of her Disposition-then to complete my vex[a]tions-Maria-my Ward-whom I ought to have the Power of a Father over-is determined to turn Rebel too-and absolutely refuses the man whom I have long resolved on for her husband-meaning I suppose to bestow herself on his proiligate
. Brother.
-
40
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
ROWLEY. You know Sir Peter I have always taken the Liberty to differ with you on the subject of these two young Gentlemen.-I only wish you may not be deceiv'd in your opinion of the elder-for Charles-my life on't-He will retrieve his Errors yet-their worthy Father, once my honour'd master, was at his years nearly as wild a Spark-yet when he died, he did not leave a more benevolent heart to lament his loss.
SIR PETER. You are wrong Master Rowley-on their Father's Death you know I acted as a kind of Guardian to them both-'till their unk[l]e Sir Oliver's eastern liberality gave them an early independance-of course no Person could have more opportunities of jUdging of their Hearts, and I was never mistaken in my Life. Joseph is indeed a model for the young men of the Age. He is a man of Sentiment-and acts up to the Sentiments he professes-but for the other take my word for't if he had any grains of Virtue by descent-he has dissipated them with the rest of his inheritance.-Ah 1 myoid Friend Sir Oliver will be deeply mortified when he finds how Part of his Bounty has been misapplied-!
ROWLEY. I am sorry to find you so violent against the young man because this mav be the most critical Period of his Fortune-I carne hither with ne\vs that will surprise you.
SIR PETER. What I-let me hear- ROWLEY. Sir Oliver is arrived and at this moment in Town. SIR PETER. Howl-you astonish me. I thought you did not expect him
this month 1 ROWLEY. I did not-but his Passage has been remarkably quick. SIR PETER. 'Egad I shall rejoice to see myoid Friend-'tis Sixteen Years
since we met-we have had many a Day together, but does He still enjoin us not to inform his Nephews of his Arrival-?
ROWLEY. Most-strictly-he means before it is known to make some trial of their Dispositions.
SIR PETER. Ah there needs no art to diseover their merits-! however he shall have his way-but pray does he know I am married?
ROWLEY. Yes and will soon wish you joy. SIR PETER. What as we drink health to a Friend in a Consumption-ah
Oliver will laugh at me-we used to rail at matrimony together-but He has been steady to his Text.-well He must be at my house tho' -I'll instantly give orders for his Reception-but Master Rowley don't drop a word that Lady Teazle and I ever disagree.
ROWLEY. By no means- SIR PETER. For I should never be able to stand Noll's Jokes-so I'd have
him think, Lord Forgive me, that we are a very happy couple. ROWLEY. I-understand you-but then you must be very careful not to
differ while He's in the House with you. SIR PETER. 'Egad-and so we must-and that's impossible-ahl
50
60
70
80
e Liberty to differ nen.-I only wish 40 -for Charles-my rthy Father, once Spark-yet when rt to lament his
r Father's Death -'till their unk[l]e rldependance_of judging of their s indeed a mod el 50 cnt-and acts up [e my word for't ipated them with 'er will be deeply ~n misapplied_! mg man because -I came hither
own. 60 not expect him
Iy quick. s Sixteen Years It does He still
to make some
its-! however ,fried? 70
lsumption-ah together-but ny house tho' ;ter Rowley
,-so I'd have :ouple. careful not to 80
Jossible-ah!
ACT II, SCENE I Z39
Master Rowley when an old Batchelor marries a young wile-He deserves-no the Crime carries the Punishment along with it
[Exeullt.
END OF ACT 1ST
Act 2d
SCelIe Ist.-SIR PETER TEAZLE's HOllse
Enter SIR PETER and LADY TEAZLE.
SIR PETER. Lady Teazle-Lady Teazle I'll not bear it. LAD Y TEAZLE. Sir Peter-Sir Peter you-may bear it or not as you please,
but I ought to have my own way in every thing, and what's more I "ill too-what! tho' I was educated in the country I know very well that women of Fashion in London are accountable to nobody after they are married.
SIR PETER. Very weill-Ma'am very weill so a husband is to have no influence, no authority 1
LADY TEAZLE. Authority! no to be sure-if you wanted authority over me you should have adopted me and not married me I am sure you 10 were Old enough.
SIR PETER. Old enough!-aye there it is-well-well-Lady Teazle tho' my Life may be made unhappy by your Temper-I'll not be ruin'd by your extravagance.
LADY TEAZLE. My extravagance!-I'm sure I'm not more extravagant than a woman of Fashion ought to be.
SIR PETER. No no Madam you shall throwaway no more sums on such unmeaning Luxury-'slife to spend as much to furnish your Dressing Room with Flow'rs in winter, as would suffice to turn the Pantheon' into a Green-house and give a Fete-Champetre at Christmas! zo
LADY TEAZLE. Lord! Sir Peter am I to blame because Flow'rs are dear in cold weather? you should find fault with the Climate and not with me. For my part I am sure I wish it was Spring all the year round-and that Roses grew under one's fcet!
SIR PETER. Dons! Madam-if you had been born to this I shouldn't Wonder at your talking thus.-but you forget what your situation was when I married you.
• 'The much-tQlked-of Receptacle of fashionable Pleasure the Pantheon...• The whole Building is composed of II Suite of 14 Rooms, ••• each affording II striking Instance of the Splendour and Profusion of modern Times' (The Publi( Allvertiser, 29 Jan. 177'1.). See the view ofthe interior by C. Brandoin included in Johf/sof/'s England, ed. A. S. Turberville (Oxford, 1933), i.344; and compare the supper room at The Oaks erected by Robert Adam for thefhe-champ~tre there, ii. liZ.
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
LADY TEAZLE. No-no--I don't-'twas a very disagreeable one or I should never have married you-
SIR PETER. Yes-yes madam you were then in somewhat an humbler 30 Style-the Daughter of 11 plain country Squire-recollect Lady Teazle when I saw you first-sitting at your tambour in a pretty figured Linnen gown-with 11 Bunch of Keys by your side, your hair comb'd smooth over a Roll, and your apartment hung round with Fruits in worsted of your own working-
LADY TEAZLE. 0 Yes, I remember it very well, and a Curious life I led! My daily occupation to inspect the Dairy, superintend the Poultry, make extracts from the Family Receipt book and Comb my aunt Deborah's Lap-Dog.
SIR PETER. Yes, yes, Ma'am, 'twas so indeed. 40 LADY TEAZLE. And then you know my evening amusements-to draw
Patterns for Ruffles which I had not the Materials to make-to play Pope Joan with the Curate-to read a Novel to my Aunt-or to be stuek down to an old Spinnet-to strum my Father to sleep after a Fox chase.
SIR PETER. I am glad you have so good a Memory,-Yes-Madam These were the Recreations I took you from.-But now you must have your Coach, Vis-A-Vis,' and three powder'd Footnlen before your Chair -and in summer a pair of white Cats' to draw you to Kensington gardens-no . Recollection I suppose when you were content to ride double behind the Butler on a dock'd Coach Horse. 50
LADY TEAZLE. No-I swear I never did that-I deny the Butler, and the Coach Horse.
SIR PETER. This madam was your Situation-and what have I not done for you ?-I have madc you a woman of Fashion, of Fortune, of Rank -in short I have made you my Wife-
LADY TEAZLE. Well then and there is but one thing more you can make me to add to the obligation-and that is
SIR PETER. My widow I suppose? LADY TEAZLE. Hem! hem! SIR PETER. Thank-you Madam-but don't flatter yourself for-tho' 60
your ill conduct may disturb my Peace it shall never break my Heart I promise you:-however I am equally oblig'd to you for the Hint.
LADY TEAZLE. Then why will you endeavour to make yourself so disagreeable to me, and thwart me in every little elegant expenee ?
, Cf. p. 181, n. I, below. • Short for 'cattle'? Or possibly suggested by Colman's prologue to Garrick's BOll
TOll (1115); Nature it [Bon TOil] thwarts, and contradicts all reason; 'Tis stiff French Stays, and fruit when out of season; A rose, when half II guinea is the price; A set of bays, scarce bigger than six mice.
ACT II, SCENE I ~able one or I
SIR PETER. 'Slife-Madam I say had you any uf these Elegant expenees when you married me?
at an humbler 30 LADY TEAZLE. Lud Sir Petcr would you have me be out of the :t Lady Teazle Fashion-? • figured Linnen
SIR PETER. The Fashion indeed!-what had you to do with the Fashion omb'd smooth before you married me? 70 lits in worsted LADY TEAZLE. For my Part-I should think you would like to have your
Wife thought a Woman of Taste. Curious life I SIR PETER. Aye, there again-Tastc!-zounds Madam you had no ld the Poultry, Taste when you married mc 3mb my aunt LADY TEAZLE. That's very true indeed Sir Peter and after having married
you I am sure I should never pretend to Taste again !-But now Sir 40 Peter if we have finish'd our daily Jangle I presume I may go to my
ents-to draw Engagement at Lady Sneerwell's nake-to play SIR PETER. Aye-there's another Precious circumstance, a charming set -or to be stuck of acquaintance-you have made there. 80 :r a Fox chase. LADY TEAZLE. Nay Sir Peter They are People of Rank and Fortune-and :s-Madam remarkably tenacious of Reputation. 'ou must have SIR PETER. Yes 'egad they are tenacious of Reputation with a vengeance, Ire your Chair for they don't chuse any body should have a Character-but themselves ) Kensington -such a crew! ah! many a wretch has rid on a hurdle' who has done ntent to ride less mischief than those utterers of forg'd Tales, coiners of Scandal,
50 -and clippers of Reputation. e Butler, and LADY TEAZLE. What would you restrain the freedom of speech?
SIR PETER. 01 they have made you just as bad as anyone of the ve I not done Society. go une, of Rank LADY TEAZLE. Why-I believe I do bear a Part with a tolerable Grace
-But I vow I have no malice against the People I abuse, when I say rou can make an ill natured thing 'tis out of pure Good-Humour-and I take it for
granted they deal exactly in the same manner with me but Sir Peter you know you promised to come to Lady 5neerwell's too.
SIR PETER. Well well I'll call in just to look after my own character. elf for-tho' 60 LADY TEAZLE. Then indeed you must make Haste after me or you'll ak my Heart be too late-so good bye to yeo [Exit LADY TEAZLE. . the Hint. SIR PETER. 50-I have gain'd much by my intended expostulations- yourself so yet with what a charming air she contradicts every thing I say-and 100
expence? how pleasingly she shews her contempt of my authority-well tho' I can't make her love me there is a great Satisfaction in quar[r]elling with her and I think she never appear[s] to such advantage as when
Garrick's BOil she's doing every thing in her Power to plague me. [Exit.
n', 1 Criminals were drawn on a rough sledge to the place of execution. • Cf. Qerimont Senior in Steele's Tile Tender Hushaml (1705), 1. i: 'Now I can
neither Mortify her Vanity, that I may LiVe at ease with her, or quite discard her, till have catched her a little enlarging her Innocent Freedoms, as she calls 'em.'
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
Scene 3d. LADY SNEER WELL'S
LADY SNEER WELL-MRS. CANDOUR-CRABTREE-SIR BENJAMIN
-lIlId SURF ACE.
LADY SNEER WELL. Nay positively we will hear it SURFACE. Yes-yes the Epigraml by all means. SIR BENJ. Plague on't Unkle-'tis mere nonsense. CRABTREE. No no-' fore gad very clever for an extempore- SIR BEN}. But Ladies you should be acquainted with the circumstance,
you must know that one day last week as Lady Betty Curric!e-was taking the Dust in Hyde Park, in a sort of duodecimo Phaeton-She desir'd me to write some verses on her Ponies-upon which I took out my Pocket-Book-and in one moment produc'd-the following>
Sure never were seen two such beautiful Ponies IO Other Horses are Clowns-and these-macaronies. Nay to give 'em this Title I'm sure isn't wrong -Their Legs are so slim-and their Tails are so 10ng.J
CRABTREE. There-Ladies-done in the smack of a whip-and on Horseback too-
SURFACE. A very Phoobus mounted-indeed, Sir Benjamin. SIR BENJ. 0 dear Sir Trifles-Trifles!
Enter LADY TEAZLE alId MARIA. MRS. CANDOUR. I must have a Copy. LADY SNEER WELL. Lady Teazle-I hope we shall see Sir Peter- LADY TEAZLE. I helieve He'll wait on your La'ship-presently. 20 LADY SNEER WELL. Maria my Love you look grave-come you shall sit
down to Cards with Mr. Surface- MARIA. I take very little Pleasure in Cards-however I'll do as your
Ladyship pleases. LADY TEAZLE. I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit down with her-I
1 'Wherever the spirit of the salon appears, evidence of its presence is seen in the production and general esteem of such trifles: rebuses, anagrams, madrigals, enigmas, charades, and bOllls rimes. The explanation of it all goes back, perhaps, to the Italian Renaissance, when, as Burckhardt has shown, an epigram could lay the foundation of a scholar's celebrity' (C. B. Tinker, The Salon and English L<IIers, New York, 1915, p. II7).
2 For an earlier form of these lines, see W. Fraser Rae, Sheridan (1896), i. 330-I. 3 Cf. the article on macaronis in the Town and COl/ntry Magazine, iv (1772), 243:
'They do indeed make a most ridiculous figure ... with about two pounds of fictitious hair, formed into what is called a club, hanging down their shoulders 1IlI white as Ii baker's sack ...• Their legs are at times covered with all the colours of the rainbow; even flesh-coloured and green silk stockings are not excluded.'
IR BENJAMIN
ore- e circumstance r Curricle-wa~ ) Phaeton-She Ihich I took out ollowing,
10
les.
) long.3 whip-and on
In.
ir Peter sently. 20 Ie you shall sit
'U do as your
III with her-I
Ice is seen in the drigals, enigmas, ps, to the Italian e foundation of a lew York, 19I5,
896), i. 330-1. iv (1nZ), 243:
!lids of fictitious 's as white as a of the rainbow;
ACT II, SCENE II z43 thought He would have embraced this opportunity of speaking to me before Sir Peter came-
MRS. CANDOUR. [Comiltgforw<u·t!J Now I'll die but you are so scandalous I'll forswear your society.
LADY TEAZLE. What's the matter Mrs. Candour-? 30 MRS. CANDOUR. They'll not allow our Friend Miss Vermillion to be
handsome. LADY SNEER WELL. 0 surely she's a pretty woman CRABTREE. I am very glad you think so Ma'am MRS. CANDOUR. She has a charming fresh Colour LADY TEAZLE. Yes when it is fresh put on- MRS. CANDOUR. 0 fie I'll swear her Colour is natural-I have seen it
come and go- LADY TEAZLE. I dare swear you have, ma'am-it goes of a Night and
comes again in the morning. 40 MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! hal hal how I hate to hear you talk so-but surely
now her Sister is or was very Handsome. CRABTREE. Who, Mrs. Evergreen?-O Lud she's six and fifty if she's
an hour- MRS. CANDOUR. Now positively you wrong her fifty-two or fifty-three
is the utmost-and I don't think she looks more- SIR BEN]. Ah there is no judging by her Looks unless one could see
her Face. LADY SNEERWELL. Well-well-if Mrs. Evergreen does take some pains
to repair the Ravages of Time-you must allow she effects it with great 50 ingenuity-and surely that's better than the careless manner in which the Widow Ocre-caulks her wrinkles.
SIR BENJ. Nay now Lady Sneerwell-you are severe upon the Widow -come-come it is Ilot that she paints so ill-but when she has finish'd her Face she joins it on so badly to her Neck that she looks like a mended Statue in which the Connoisseur sees at once that the Head's modern tho' the Trunk's antique.
CRABTREE. Hal hal hal well said Nephew! MRS. CANDOUR. Hal hal hal well you make me laugh but I vow I hate
you for't-what do you think of Miss Simper? 60 SIR BEN]. Why she has very pretty Teeth. LADY TEAZLE. Yes and on that account when she is neither speaking
nor laughing (which very seldom happens)-she never absolutely shuts her mouth, but leaves it always on a Jar as it were.
MRS. CANDOUR. How can you be so ill natur'd? LADY TEAZLE. Nay I allo'; even that's better than the Pains Mrs. Prim
takes to conceal her losses in Front. She draws her mouth 'till it positively resembles the aperture of a Poor's-Box, and all her words appear to slide out edgeways.
70
I
;!44 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
LADY SNEERWELL. Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little severe-
LADY TEAZLE. In dcfence of a Friend it is but justice but here comes Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry-!
Ellter SIR PETER TEAZLE.
SIR PETER. Ladies your most obedient-Mercy on me, here is the whole sett a character dead at every word' I suppose. [aside]
MRS. CANDOUR. I am rejoic'd you are come Sir Peter-they have been so censorious-they will allow good Q!talities to nobody-not even good-nature to our Friend Mrs. Pursy.
LADY TEAZLE. What the Fat Dowager-who was at Mrs. Codille's ~M~-
MRS. CANDOUR. Nay-her bulk is her misfortune and when she takes such Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her.
LADY SNEERWELL. That's very true indeed. LADY TEAZtE. Yes I know she almost lives on acids and small whey
laces herself by pullies and often in the hottest noon of summer you may see her on a little squat Poney with her hair platted up behind like a Drummer's-and puffing round the Ring' on a full Trot.
MRS. CANDOUR. I thank you Lady Teazle for defending her. SIR PETER. Yes a good Defence truly. MRS. CANDOUR. But Sir Benjamin is as Censorious as Miss Sallow. CRABTREE. Yes and she is a curious Being to pretend to be censorious
-an aukward Gawky without anyone good Point under Heaven! MRS. CAN DOUR. Positively you shall not be so very severe. Miss Sallow
is a Relation of mine by marriage and as for her Person great allowance is to be made-for let me tell you a woman labours under many dis advantages who tries to pass for a girl at six and thirty.
LADY SNEERWELL. Tho' surely she is handsome still-and for the weak ness in her eyes considering how much she reads by candle light it is not to be wonder'd at.
MRS, CANDOUR, True, and then as to her manner-upon my word I think it is particularly graceful considering she never had the least Education for you know her Mother was a Welch millener and her Father a Sugar-Baker at Bristow.
SIR BENJ. Ah! you are both of you too good natur'd! SIR PETER. Yes damn'd good natur'dl-this their own Relation!
mercy on me J [aside] SIR BENJ. And Mrs. Candour is of so moral a turn-she can sit for an
hour to hear Lady Stucco talk Sentiment.
cr. A. Pope, The Rape of/he Lo(k, iii. 16: 'At ev'ry word a reputation dies.' • The fashionable drive in Hyde Park, shut in by railings and fine trees.
•
90
100
1 can be a little 70 LADY TEAZLE.
ACT II, SCENE II 245
Nay, I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the Des[s]ert
it here comes Sir after dinner for she's just like the French Fruit one cracks for mottos l
-made up of Paint and Proverb. IIO
MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never will Join in ridiculing a Friend-and so I constantly tell my Cousin Ogle-and you all know what pretentions She has to be critical in Beauty-
ne, here is the [aside) -they have been lIody-not even
Mrs, Codille's 80
when she takes ler.
:l small whey Jf Summer you tted up behind ull Trot. her.
[iss Sallow. 90 be censorious
,r Heaven! e. Miss Sallow :reat allowance der many dis-
I for the weak ldle light it is
'n my word I 100 had the least lener and her
Relationl
:an sit for an
:ion dies.' :es.
CRABTREE. 0 to be sure she has herself the oddest countenance that ever was seen-'tis a collection of Features from all the different Countries of the Globe.
SIR BEN]. SO she has indeed.-An Irish front CRABTREE. Caledonian Locks- SIR BEN]. Dutch nose 120 CRABTREE. Austrian lip SIR BEN]. Complexion of a Spaniard- CRABTREE. And Teeth 11 la Chinoise" SIR BEN]. In short her Face resembles a Table d'hotc at Spaw where no
two guests arc of a nation- CRABTREE. Or a Congress at the close of a general War-wherein all the
members even to her eyes appear to have a different interest and her Nose and Chin are the only Parties likely to join issue.
MRS. CANDOUR. Ha! hal hal SIR PETER. Mercy on my life! a Person they dine with twice a Week. 130
[aside] MRS. CANDOUR. Nay but I vow you shall not carry the Laugh offso-for
give me leave to say that Mrs. Ogle- SIR PETER. Madam-madam-I beg your Pardon-There's no stopping
these good Gentlemen's Tongues-but when I tell you Mrs. Caudour that the Lady they are abusing is a particular Friend of mine-I hope you'l1 not take her Part.
LADY SNEERWELL. Well said Sir Peter, but you are a cruel creature-too Phlegmatic yourself for a jest and. too peevish to allow wit on others.
SIR PETER. Ah! Madam true wit is more nearly allied to good Nature 140 than your Ladyship is aware of.
LADY TEAZLE. True Sir Peter I believe they are so near akin that they can never be united-
SIR BEN]. Or rather Madam suppose them man and wife because one so seldom sees them together.
\. I Cf. Horace Walpole to Lady 055Ory: 'Paragraphs of news ... are like mottoes too
wrapped in sugar, which everybody breaks, finds nothing worth reading, and yet goes on cracking' (Walpole Corr. xxxiii (1965), 213).
2 Cf. The Cilizen oflhe World: 'And first the beauties of Chinuppeared .•• Their hlack teeth and plucked eye.brows were however alleged by the Genius against them' (Collecled Works of Oliver Goldsmith, ed. A. Friedman (Oxford, 1966), ii. 442).
246 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
LADY TEAZLE. But Sir Peter is such an Enemy to Scandal I believe He would have it put down by Parliament.
SIR PETER. 'Fore Heaven! Madam if they were to Consider-the Sport ing with Reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors' and pass An Act for the Preservation of Fame-I believe there are many ISO would thank them for the Bill.
LADY SNEER WELL. 0 Ludl Sir Peter would you deprive us of our Privileges-
SIR PETER. Aye Madam-and then no Person should be permitted to kill characters, or run down Reputations but qualified old Maids and disap[p]ointed Widows.
LADY SNEERWELL. Go-you Monster- MRS. CAN DOUR. But sure you would not be quite so severe on those who
only report what they hear. SIR PETER. Yes Madam I would have Law Merchant2 for them-too- 160
and in all cases of Slander currency whenever the Drawer of the Lie was not to be found the injured Party should have a right to come on any of the indorsers.
CRABTREE. Well for my Part I believe there never was a Scandalous Tale without some foundation-
LADY SNEERWELL. Come Ladies shall we sit down to Cards in the next Room-
Enter SERVANT Ilnd Whispers SIR PETER.
SIR PETER. I'll be with them directly!-[Exeunt]-I'll get away unper ceiv'd.
LADY SNEERWELL. Sir Peter you are not leaving us? 170 SIR PETER. Your Ladyship must excuse me-I'm called away by
particular Business-but I leave my Character behind me. [Exit SIR PETER.
SIR BEN]. Well certainly Lady Teazle that Lord of yours is a strange being-I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh heartily if he wasn't your Husband
! Q'. Miss Walsingham's speech in Hugh Kelly's The School for Wives, 4th edn. (1774), p. 63: 'And yet if the laws against it [duelling), were as well enforced as the laws against destroying the game, perhaps it would be equally for the benefit of the kingdom.' See, also, the Public Advertiser, aa .l\.pr. 1776: 'The Noblemen and Gentlemen of the Association for the Preservation of Game all over England, are desired to meet To morrow at Eleven o'Clock, at the St. Alban's Tavern in St. Alban's-street: WHEREAS the said Noblemen and Gentlemen have prosecuted and convicted several Poulterers, Higlers, Carriers, Stage Coachmen, Masters of Vessels, Night Netters, Snarers and others, for destroying the Game and carrying and selling the same ... .'
• Privileges peculiar to merchants, differing from Common Law but the same as the Law of the Staple.
ndal I believe He LADY TEAZLE.
ACT II, SCE:-JE II
0 pray don't mind that.-come do let's hear 'em.
~ider-the Sport Ing on manors'_ I'e there are many 150
[They join the rest ofthe Company all talkillg as they are going into the flext room.
SURFACE. [risillg IPilh MAR IA] Maria I see you have no satisfaction in this society.
~prive us of Our MAR I A. How is it possible I should ?-if to raise malicious smiles at the infirmities and misfortunes-of those who have never injured us be the 180
be permitted to d old Maids and
province of wit or Humour Heav'n grant me a double Portion of Dullness-
SURFACE. Yet they appear more ill natur'd than they are-They have no malice at heart-
ere on those who MARIA. Then is their conduct still more contemptible for in my opinion
-nothing could-excuse the intemperance of their tongues but a
for them-too rawer of the Lie :ight to come.on
160 natural and ungovernable hitterness of Mind.
SURFACE. But can vou Maria feel thus for others and be unkind to me alone-is hope to'be denied the tenderest Passion ?
MARIA. Why will you distress me by renewing this subject 190
Scandalous Tale , SURf'ACE. Ah! Maria you would not treat me thus and oppose your
Guardian's Sir Peter's wishes-but that I see that profligate Charles is still a favour'd Rival.
:ards in the next MARIA. Ungenerously urged-but whatever my sentiments of that Unfortunate young man are-be assured I shall not feel more bound to give him up because his Distresses have lost him the regard even of a Brother. [LADY TEAZLE refilms.
~et away unpcr- SURFACE. Nay but Maria do not leave me with a Frown-by all that's
honest I swear-Gad's life here's Lady Teazle. [aside]-you must not- no you shall not-for tho' I have the greatest Regard for Lady Teazle 200
170
ailed away by me. xiI SIR PETER .. IrS is a strange take you laugh
MARIA. Lady Teazle-! SURFACE. Yet were Sir Peter to suspect- LADY TEAZLE. [Coming forward) What's this Pray-do you take her for
mel-Child you are wanted in the next Room (Exit MARIA. what is all this pray-
SURFACE. 0 the most unlucky circumstance in Nature. Maria has somehow suspected the tender concern which I have for your happiness
, Wives, 4th edn. forced as the laws t of the kingdom. > }entlemen of the ired to meet Ta
and threaten'd to acquaint Sir Peter with her suspicions-and I "''as just endeavouring to reason with her when you came.
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed but you seem'd to adopt-a very tender method of reasoning-do you usually argue on your knees-?
SURFACE. 0 she's a Child-and I thought a little Bombast-but Lady
:no
street: WHEREAS lVlll1ll Poulterers, ers, Snarers and,
Teazle when are you to give me your Judgment on my Library as you promised?
LADY TEAZLE. No-no I begin to think it would be imprudent-and t the same as the you know I admit you as a Lover no further than Fashion
requires.
•
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
SURF ACE. True-a mere Platonic Cicisbeo1-what every London wife is entitled too.
LADY TEAZLE. Certainly one must not be out of the Fashion-however I 220 have so much of my country Prejudices left-that-tho' Sir Peter's ill humour may vex me ever so-it never shall provoke me to-
SURFACE. The only revenge in your Power-well I applaud your moderation.
LADY TEAZLE. Go-you are an insinuating Wretch-but we shall be miss'd-let us join the company.
SURFACE. But we had best not return together. LADY TEAZLE. Well don't stay-for Maria shan't come to hear any more
of your Reasoning I promise you- [Exit LADY TEAZLE. SURFACE. A curious Dilemma truly my Politics have run me into.-I 230
wanted at first only to ingratiate myself with Lady Teazle that she might not be my enemy with Maria-and I have I don't know how become her serious Lover.-Sincerely I begin to wish I had never made such a Point of gaining so very good a character-for it has led me into so many curs'd Rogueries that I doubt I shall be exposed at last.
[Exit.
Scene 3d. SIR PETER'S
Enter SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY. SIR OLIVER. Hal hal hal and so myoId Friend is married hey?-a
young Wife out of the Countryl-ha! hal hal-that he should have stood Blulf2 to old Batchelor so long and sink into a Husband at last 1
ROWLEY. But you must not rally him on the subject Sir Oliver-'tis a tender Point I assure you tho He has been married only seven months.
I The privileges of the cicisbeo are described in Frances Sheridan's A Journey to Bath: see Rae, pp. 296-7: 'I may come in when you are dressing. I am to put essence into your handkerchief, reach you your combs, your pins •.• I am never to be from your elbow if you command me. I am to help you tea, coffee, and fruit before any other lady in the company, and give it you on my knee.' .•. I am to attend you to all publick places and home again, and to see you up to your chamber door.'
• Sheridan lTUIy have picked up the phrase from some satirical verses on him by 'Philo-Musa', that appeared in the Morning Chronicle, z Apr. I777:
Between us we'll monopolize, Monopolies are now the fashion, Your [Thomas Linley's] care our harmony supplies, And Van's [Vanbrugh's] old scenes I now am slashing.
No matter whether new or stale, I'll furnish Comedy enough, The whoreson authors may turn pale, 'Gainst their intrusion we'll stand bluff.
The Schoolfor Scantial reference is the earliest usage given in the D.E.D.
ACT H, SCENE III ·ondon wife is
SIR OLIVER. Then He has been just half a year on the stool of Repen tance-Poor Peter! But you say he has entirely given up Charles?
m-however I zzo never sees him hey? Sir Peter's ill to-- ROWLEY. His Prejudice against him is astonishing-am! I am sure
greatly encreas'd by a Jealousy of him with Lady Teazle-which He 10 lpplaud your
has been industriously led into by a scandalous Society in the neigh bourhood-who have contributed not a little to Charles's ill name.
t we shall be Whereas the truth is I believe if the Lady is partial to either of them his Brother is the Favourite.
SIR OLIVER. Aye-I know-there are a set of malicious prating prudent lear any more Gossips both male and Female, who murder characters to kill time and my TEAZLE. will rob a young Fellow af his good name before He has years to know I me into.-I 230 the value of it.-but I am not to be prejudic'd-against my nephew by :azle that she . such I promise you. No! no-ifCharles has clone nothing false or mean I know how- I shall compound far his extravagance. 20
d never made ROWLEY. Then my life on't you will reclaim him. Ah Sir-it gives me IS led me into new life to find that your heart is not turned against him-and that the I at last. san of my good old master has one friend however left.
[E.\'it. SIR OLIVER. What! shall I forget Master Rowley-when I was at his years my self?-egad my Brother and I were neither of us very prudent youths-and yet I believe you have not seen many better Men than your old master was.
ROWLEY. Sir, 'tis this reflection gives me assurance that Charles may yet 'ied hey?-a be a Credit to his Family-but here comes Sir Peter- should have SIR OLIVER. 'Egad so He does-mercy on me-He's greatly alter'd- 30 tnd at last ! and seems to have a settled Married laok-one may read husband in his )liver-'tis a Face at this Distance. :ven months. Enter SIR PETER TEAZLE.
SIR PETER. Hahl Sir Oliver-my Old Friend:-welcome to Englandn's A JOUrIJey , to Pllt essence a thousand Times! ver to be from SIR OLIVER. Thank you-thank-you Sir Peter-and-'efaith-I am as llit before any glad to find you well, believe me ;end YOll to all ., SIR PETER. Ah! 'tis a long time since we met-sixteen years I doubt, Sir
Oliver-and many a cross accident in the Timeies on him by SIR OLIVER. Aye I have had my share-but what I find you are married
-hey myoId Boy-well-well it can't be help'd-and so I wish you 40 joy with all my heart.
SIR PETER. Thank-you-thank you Sir Oliver-yes I have enter'd into the happy state but we'll not talk of that now.
t cr. Marvell's 'Horatian Ode Upon Cromwell's Return from Ireland', stanza IS. of Charles I:
He nothing common did or mean Upon that memorable scene.
-
'
250 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
SIR OLIVER. True true Sir Peter, Old Friends should not begin on Grievances-at first meeting-no-no-no.
ROWLEY. [to SIR OLIVER] Take Care pray Sir- SIR OLIVER. Well-so one ofmy Nephews I find is a wild Rogue-hey? SIR PETER. Wild!-ah! myoid Friend-I grieve for your disap[p]oint
ment there-He's a lost Young Man indeed-however his Brother will make you amends. Joseph is indeed what a youth should be-every so body in the world speaks well of him-
SIR OLIVER. I am sorry to hear it-he has too good a character to be an honest Fellow.-Every body speaks well of him! Psha! then He has bow'd as low to Knaves and Fools-as to the honest dignity of Genius or Virtue.
SIR PETER. What Sir Oliver do you blame him for not making Enemies-?
SIR OLIVER. Yes-if He has merit enough to deserve them. SIR PETER. Well-well-you'll be convinc'd when you know him-'tis
edification to hear him converse-he professes the noblest-Sentiments. 60 SIR OLIVER. Ah plague on his Sentiments-if He salutes me with a
Scrap of morality in his mouth I shall be sick directly.-but however don't mistake me Sir Peter-I don't mean to defend Charles' Errors but before I form my judgement of either of them I intend to make a trial of their Hearts-and my Friend Rowley and I have plann'd something for the Purpose-
ROWLEY. And Sir Peter shall own he has been for once mistaken. SIR PETER. O-my Life on Joseph's Honour! SIR OLIVER. Well come give us a bottle of good wine-and we'll drink
the Lads Healths and tell you our scheme.- 70 SIR PETER. AI[J]ons then- SIR OLIVER. And don't Sir Peter be so severe against your old Friend's
son-Odds-my Life-I am not sorry that He has run out of the course a little-for my Part I hate to see Prudence clinging to the gre.en Succours of Youth-'tis like Ivy round a sapling and spoils the Growth of the Tree. [Exeunt.
END OF ACT 2
Act 3d
Scelle Ist.-SIR PETER'S
SIR PETER-SIR OLIVER-and ROWLEY.
SIR PETER, Well then-we will see this Fellow first and have our wine
" '
r, :.:
I not begin on
d R?gue-hey ? Ir dlsap[p ]oint 1is Brother will mid be-every 50
lracter to be an ,I then He has ;nity of Genius
r not making
m. now him-'ris :c-Sentiments. 60 :es me with a -but however Ides' Errors end to make a have plann'd
listaken.
Id we'll drink
70
r old Friend's III out of the g tothegr~n Is the Growth
[Exeunt.
lve our wine
ACT III, SCENE I
afterwards.-but how is this·-Master Rowley-I don't sec the Jet! of your Scheme-?
ROWLEY. Why Sir-this Mr. Stanley whom I was speaking of-is nearly related to them by their mother. He was once a merchant in Dublin-but has been ruined by a series of undeserved misfortunes He has applied by Letter since his confinement both to Mr. Surface and Charles.-from the former-He has received nothing but evasive promises of future Service-while Charles has done all that his extravagance has left him power to do-and He is at this time ende:1your- 10 ing to raise a sum of money-part of which in the midst of his own distresses I know he intends for the service of poor Stanley.
SIR OLIVER. Ah! He is my Brother's Son- SIR PETER. Well-but how is Sir Oliver personally to- ROWLEY. Why Sir I will inform Charles-and his Brother that Stanley
has obtain'd Permission to apply in Person to his Friends-and as they have neither of them ever seen him let Sir Oliver assume his Character -and he will have a fair opportunity of judging at least of the Benevolence of their Dispositions, and believe me Sir, you will find in the youngest Brother-one who in the midst of Folly and Dissipation 20 -has still as our immortal Bard expresses it-'a Tear for Pity and a Hand open as Day for melting Charity."
SIR PETER. Pshaw! what signifies his having an open Hand or Purse either when He has nothing left to givel-Well-well-make the Trial if you please-but where is the Fellow whom you brought for Sir Oliver to Examine relative to Charles's Affairs?
ROWLEY. Below, waiting his commands, and no one can give him better intelligence;-This Sir Oliver is a friendly Jew who to do him justice has done every thing in his power to bring your Nephew to a proper sense of his Extravagance. 30
SIR PETER. Pray let us have him in- ROWLEY. Desire Mr. Moses to walk upstairs. SIR PETER. But why should you suppose He will speak the Truth. ROWLEY. a I have convinced him that he has no chance of recovering
Certain Sums advanced to Charles, but thro' the Bounty of Sir Oliver, who he knows is arriv'd; so that you may depend on his fidelity to his Interest j I have also another Evidence in my power, one Snake-whom I have detected in a Matter little shoit of Forgery, and shaH shortly produce to remove some of your prejudices Sir Peter, relative to Charles and Lady Teazle. 40
SIR PETER. I have heard too much on that Subject. ROWLEY. Here comes the honest Israelite.
I I Cf. R. Cumberland, The West Indian (1771), 1Il. x: 'the jet of the story is ••• .' The sense is 'gist'.
% 2 HeMJ IV, IV. iv.
- THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
"Enter MOSES.
This is Sir Oliver- SIR OLIVER. Sir-i-understand you have lately had great dealings with
my Nephew Cha~les. . MOSES. Yes Sir Ohver-I have done all I could for hUll, but He was
ruin'd before He came to me fiJr Assistance. SIR OLIVER. That was unlucky tmly-for you have had nn opportunity
of shewing your Talents. MOSES. None at all-I hadn't the .Plcasure of knowing his Distresses-- 50
'till He: was some thousands worse than nothing. SIR OLIVER. Unfortunate indeedl but I suppose YOll have done all in
your Power for him honest Moses? MOSES. Yes he knows that.-This very Evening I was to have brought
him a Gentleman from the city who duesn't know him and will I believe advance him some money.
SIR PETER. What one Charles has never Imd motlcy from befiu'c? MOSES. Yes Mr. Premium of Crutehed-Friars r-lhl'!11erly a Broker. SIR PETER. Egad Sir Oliver a Thought strikes me-·Charles you say
doesn't know Mr.-Pl'emium- 60 MOSES. Not at all. SIR PETER. Now then Sir Oliver you may have a better opportunity of
satisfying yourself than by an old romancing talc 01';1 pOO\' Relation..--- go with my Friend Moses and Represent MI'. Premium nnd then I'll anSwer for't, you will sec your Nephew in all his Glory.
SIR OLIVER. Egad I like this Idea better than the other and r may visit Joseph afterwards as old Stanley.
SIR PETER. True so you may- ROWLEY. Well this is taking Charles rather at a disadvantage to be sure
-however Moses--you understand Sir Peter and will bc faithfu!.··· 70 MOSES. You may depend upon me-this is ncarthe Time [was to Imve gone, SIR OLIVER. I'll accompany you as soon as you please, Moses, hilt Iwld -I have forgot one thing-how the Plaguc shall The able to pass lhr a Jew?
MOSES. There's no need-the Principal is Christian. SIR OLIVER. Is He-I'm s()rry to heat' it,,-,hut then again··"an't I rather
too smartly dress'd to look like a mOlley-Lender ?-. SIR PE'rIm. Not at all-'twould not he out of chllraeter if you went ill
your own earrh1ge-would it M(),es,-~ ? MOSES. Not in the least. SO SIR OLIVER. Well-but--llOw must I talk? there's certrdnh' some cant
of usury-und mode of treating that I ought to know"".. •
1 A continllution of Jewry Street. funning from Altlgate t() Mark I.unc.
( Lane. 1777, four days after the first performance of The School for Scalldal.
ACT Ill. SCENE I
SIR PETER. 0 there's not much to learn-the great point as I take it isI
~reat dealings with
him, but He was
ad no opportunity
g his Distresses- 50
have done aU in
; to have brought '{ him and will I
:om before? ~rly a Broker. -Charles you say
60
er opportunity of poor Relation.
.um and then I'll ,ry. r and I may visit
antage to be sure 1 be faithful.- 70 :was to havegone. Moses, but hold able to pass for a
in-an't I rather
r if you went in
80 :ainly some cant
to be exorbitant enough in your Demands, hey Moses? MOSES. Yes, that's a very great Point- SIR OLIVER. I'll answer for't I'll not be wanting in that-I'll ask him
eight or ten per cent on the loan-at least MOSES. If you ask him no more than that, you'll be discovered
immediately. SIR OLI VER. Hey-what the Plague! how much then? 90 MOSES. That depends upon the Circumstances, if he appears not very
anxious for the supply-you should require only forty or fifty per cent -but if you find him in great Distress and want the monies ,'cry bad you may ask double.
SIR PETER. A good Honest Trade you're learning Sir Oliver SIR OLIVER. Truly I think so-and not unprofitable- MOSES. Then you know-you haven't the monies yourself-but are
forced-to borrow them for him of a Friend. SIR OLIVER. Oh I borrow it of a Friend do I? MOSES. Yes-and your friend is an unconscionable Dog,-but you can't 100
help it. SIR OLIVER. My Friend is an unconscionable Dog is he? MOSES. Yes-and He himself hasn't the moneys by him-but is forced
to sell stock at a great Loss- SIR OLIVER. He is forced to sell stock is he~J.t a great loss is he-well
that's very kind of him. SIR PETER. Efaith Sir Oliver, Mr. Premium, I mean, you'll soon be
Master ofthe Trade-but Moses-wouldn't you have him run out a little against the annuity BilP that would be in character I should think-
MOSES. Very much- 110 ROWLEY. And lament that a young man now must be at years of dis
cretion before He is suffered to ruin himself- MOSES. Aye-great Pity! SIR PETER. And abuse-the Public-for allowing merit to an act whose
only object-is to snatch Misfortune and imprudence-from the rapacious Relief of usury I and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate, without being undone by coming into Possession.
SIR OLIVER. So-so-Moses shall give me further instructions as we go together-
SIR PETER. You will not have much time for your Nephew lives hard 1~0 bye-
SIR OLIVER. 0 Never fear-my Tutor appears so able that tho' Charles lived in the next street it must be my own Fault if I am not a compleat ! By its terms anyone who took mare than ten shillings per hundred pounds lent as
annuities, was liable [0 imprisonment or a fine. The Annuity Bill WlIS passed on 12 May
«
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL254
Rogue before I turn the corner.- [EXCI/11t SIR. OLIVER Iwd MOSES. SIR PETER. So-now I think Sir Oliver will be convinced-you arc
partial Rowley-and would have prepared Charles for the other Plot. ROWLEY. No upon my Word Sir Peter- SIR PETER. Well go bring me this Snake, and I'll hear what he has to say
presently-I see Maria and want to Speak with her-[B~'it ROWLEY] I should be glad to be convinced, my Suspicions of Lady Teazle amI 130 Charles were unjust-I have never yet open'd my mind on this subject to my-Friend Joseph-I'm determined I will do it-He will give me his Opinion Sincerely.
Enter MARIA.
So-child-has Mr. Surface returned with you? MARIA. No Sir-He was engaged- SIR PETER. Well-Maria-do you not reflect the more you converse with
that amiable young man, what return his Ilartiality for you descrves? MARIA. Indeed Sir Peter-your frequent importunity on this subjcct
distresses me extremely-you compell me to Dcclare that I know no man who has ever paid me a particular attention whom I would not 140 prefer to Mr. Surface.
SIR PETER. Soh! Here's Perversenessl-no-no-Maria-'tis Charles only whom you would prefer-'ds evident his Vices and Follies have won your Heart.
MARIA. This is unkind Sir-you know I have obey'cl you in neither seeing nor corresponding with him-I havc hcm'd cllough to cOllvince me that He is unworthy my regard-Yet I cannot think it culpablc if while my understanding severely condemns his Vices-my Heart suggests some Pity for his Distresses.
SIR PETER. Well well Pity him as much as you please but give your 150 Heart and Hand-to a worthier object.
MARIA. Never to his Brother- SIR PETER. Go-perverse and obstinate I hut take care Madam-you
have never yet known what the authority of a Guardian is-don't compel me to inform you of it.
MARIA. I can only say you shall not have just rellson-'tis true by my Father's will I am for ashort period bound to regard you as his substi tute, but must cease to think you so, when you would compel me to he miserable. [E.\·it MARIA.
SIR PETER. Was ever Man so cross'u as I amI-everything conspiring to 160 fret mel-I hadn't been involv'd in matrimony a fortnight before her Father-a hale and hearty man-died on purpose I believe-for the Pleasure of plaguing me with the care of his Daughter.-hut here comes my Helpmatel-She appears-in great good-hull1our-how happy I should be if I could teaze her into loving me tho' but a little.
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
LADY TEAZLE. beg your Pardon-my dear Sir Peter-indeed you always gave the provocation.
SIR PETER. Now-see my-Angel take care-contradicting isn't the ~~~~~ ~
LADY TEAZLE. Then don't you begin it, my Love! SIR PETER. There now-you-you are going on-you don't pereeive my
Life that you are just doing the very thing which you know always makes me angry.
LADY TEAZLE. Nay-you know ifyou will be angry without any reason SIR PETER. There now you want to quarrel again- LADY TEAZLE. No-I am sure I don't-but if you will be so peevish SIR PETER. There-now who begins first- LADY TEAZLE. Why you to be sure. I said nothing but-there's no
bearing-your Temper- OZ20 SIR PETER. No-no-Madam-the Fault's in your own temper- LADY TEAZLE. Aye you are just what my cousin Sophy said you would be. SIR PETER. Your cousin Sophy-is a forward impertinent Gypsey- LADY TEAZLE. You are a great Bear I'm sure to abuse my Relations' SIR PETER. Now may all the Plagues of marriage be doubled on me if
ever I try to be Friends with you any more LADY TEAZLE. SO mueh the Better- SIR PETER. No-no madam 'tis evident you-never cared a Pin for me
and I V{lIS a madman to marry you-a Pert rural Coquet that had refused half the honest Squires in the neighbourhood. 230
LADY TEAZLE. And I am sure I was a Fool to marry you-an Old dangling Batchelor who was single at fifty only because He never could meet with anyone who would have him.
SIR PETER. Aye-aye-Madam-but you were pleased enough-to listen to me-you never had such an Offer before.
LADY TEAZLE. No! didn't I refuse Sir Twivy Tarrier-who every body said would have been a better Match-for his Estate is just as good as yours-and He has broke his Neck> since we have been married!
SIR PETER. I have done with you Madam-you are an unfeeling ungrateful~but there's an end of every thing-I believe'you capable of 240 anything that's bad-y~ Madam~I now believe the Reports relative
I Charles Reade's mother related that Sheridan stopped Mrs. Abington in rehearsal and said: 'No, no, that won't do at .U. It mustn't be pettish. That's shallow-shallow. You must go up stage with, "You are just what my cousin Sophy said you would be," and then turn and s",,'Cep down on him like a volcano. "You are a great bear to abuse my relationsl How dare you ahuse my relations!'" See Ellen Terry, The Story of tny Lift, 2nd edn. (1908), p. 49.
• Cf. Garrick's BOil Ton, Act!: 'Lady Millikill: He's. colonel: his elder brother, Sir Tan Tivy, will certainly break his neck, and then my friend will be a happy man.' See also 'the famous Tantwivy mare' in Colman's TlteJealolis Wlje, II. i.
ACT III, SCENE I 255 LIV~R and MOSES. :onvlUced-you are for the other Plot. LADY TEAZLE.
Enter LADY TEAZLE.
Lud! Sir Peter-I hope you haven't been quarrelling with Maria-it isn't using me well to be ilI-humour'd when I am not
r what he has to say :r-[Exit ROWLEY] I~ Lady Teazle and lind on this subject t-He will give me
130
bye-l SIR PETER. Ah! Lady Teazle you might have the Power to make me good
humour'd at all times. LADY TEAZLE. I am sure-I wish I had-for I want you to he in
charming sweet Temper at this moment-do be good humour'd 110W and let me have two hundred Pounds will you?
SIR PETER. Two hundred-Pounds-! what a;I't I to be in a good humour without paying for it-but speak to me thus-and efaith there's nothing I could refuse you. You shall have it-but seal me a bond for the repayment
~ you converse with for you deserves? r on this subject- re that I know no {hom I would not 140
LADY TEAZLE. a no-there my Note of Hand will do as well- SIR PETER. [kissing her hand] And you shall no longer reproach me with
not giving you an independent settlement-I mean shortly to surprise you-but shall we always live thus-hey?
LADY TEAZLE. If you-please-I'm sure I don't care how soon we leave off quarrelling provided you'll own you were tired first
180
ria-'tis CharIes , and Follies have
SIR PETER. Well-then let our future contest be who shall be most obliging.
LADY TEAZLE. I assure you Sir Peter Good Nature becomes you-you
'd you in neither laugh to convince hink it culpabJe Vices-my Heart
look now as you did before we were married!-when you us'd to walk with me under the Elms and tell me stories of what a Gallant you were in your youth and chuck me under the Chin-you would-and ask me if I thought I could love an Old Fellow who would deny me nothing didn't you?
190
Ise but give your 150 SIR PETER. Yes-yes-and you were as kind and attentive. LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I was-and would always take your Part when
my acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridiculc- SIR PETER. Indeed-!
Irc Madam-you lardian is-don't
LADY TEAZLE. Aye-and when my cousin Sophy' has call'd you a stiff peevish old batchelor and laugh'd at me for thinking of marrying one
-'tis true by my you as his substi compel me to be
[Exit MARIA. ing conspiring to tnight before her
roo
who might be my Father-I have always defended you-and said I didn't think you so ugly by any means and that I dared say you'd make a very good sort of a Husband.
SIR PETER. And you prophesied right-and we shall certainly now be the happiest couple.
LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again- SIR PETER. No never-tho' at the same time-indeed my dear Lady
200
believe-for the Teazle-you must watch your Temper very narrowly-for in all our little -but here comes Quarrels-my dear-if you reoollect my Love you always began first- r-how happy I a little. ! Cousin Sophy in St. Patrick's Dill, t. ii, 'married an officer'.
L
. Peter-indeed you
ltradicting isn't the
ZIO
)u don't perceive my :h you know always
vithout any reason-
will be so peevish
ng but-there's no zzo
Jwn temper- Vsaid you would be. tinent Gypsey se my RelatiollSl_ : doubled on me if
lred a Pin for me let that had refused
230
arry you-an Old Ise He never could
:ascd enough-to
-who every body : is just as good as een married I e an unfeeling ~ve 'you capable of 240 e Reports relative
lbington in rehearsal :'s shallow-shallow. said you would be," I great hear to abuse ferry, The Story of
lis elder brother, Sir e a happy man.' See i.
ACT III, SCENE II
to vou and Charles-Madam-ves Madam yOU and-Charles are not without Grounds- . .
LADY TEAZLE. Take-care Sir Peter-you had better not insinuate any such thing! I'll not be suspected without cause I promise you.
SIR PETER. Very-well, Madam-very well--a separate maintenance as soon as you Please-yes Madam or a Divorce-I'll make an example of myself for the benefit of all old Batchclors. Let us separate Mauam-
LADY TEAZLE. Agreed-agreed-and now-my Dear Sir Peter we are of a Mind once more we may be the happiest Couple-and never differ again you know; ha! ha !-well you are going to be in a Passion I see and I shall only interrupt you-so, bye, bye! [Exit.
SIR PETER. Plagues and Tortures! can't I make her Angry neither! o I am the miserahlest Fellow-But I'll not bear her presuming to keep her Temper-No she may break my Heart but she shan't keep her Temper. [Exit.
Same 2d. CHARLES'S Home
Enter TRIP-MOSES and SIR OLIVER.
TRIP. Here Master Moses-if you'll stay a moment-I'll try whether Mr.-what's the Gentleman's Name?
SlR OLIVER. Mr.--. Moses-what is my name? [asMe] MOSES. Mr. Premium- TRIP. Premium-very well. [Exit TRIP takillg snuff. SIR OLIVER. To Judge by the Servants-one wouldn't believe the master
was ruin'd-but what-sure this was my Brother's House? MOSES. Yes Sir Mr. Charles bought it of Mr. Joseph with the Furniture
Pictures-etc.-just as the old Gentleman left-it-Sir Peter thought it a great Piece of Extravagance in him! 10
SIR OLIVER. In my mind the other's c:economy in selling it to him was more reprehensible by half.
Re-enter TRIP. TRIP. My Master says you must wait Gentlemen. He has Company and
can't Speak with you yet. SIR OLIVER. If He knew who it was wanted to see him perhaps He
wouldn't have sent such a Message. TRIP. Yes-yes-Sir-He knows you are here-I didn't forget little
Premium-no, no, no- SIR OLIVER. Very well-and I pray Sir what may be your Name? TRIP. Trip Sir-my Name is Trip at your Service. 20 SIR OLIVER. Well then Mr. Trip-you have a pleasant sort of a place
here I guess.
'I!,
\1 I.; Ii
1\ THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL 'I
TRIP. Why yes--here are three or [our of us pass ollr time agreeably Ii enollgh·-but then ollr wages arc sometimes a littlc in arrcar-and notii
:1 very great eithcr-but fifty Pounds a year and lind our own Bags! and i I Bouquets2
SIR OLIVER. [Aside] Bags and Bouquetsl-Haltcrs and Bastinadoes! TRIP. But It propos Moses-havc you been able to !;ct me that little Bill
discounted r SIR OLIVER. Wants to raise Money tool-mc!'cy 011 mc-·has his 30
distresses I warrant like a Lord-and affects Creditors and Duns 1 MOSES. 'T\vas not to be done indced MI'. Trip·-[gives tlie N()te.] TRIP. Good lack-you surprize me-m.y Priend Brush has indorsed it
and I thought when he put his Mark on the Back of ~~ Bill 'twas as good as cash-
MOSES. No 'twouldn't do- TRIP. A small-sum-but twenty Pounds-hcarkcc Moscs do you think
you couldn't get it me by way of annuity 1 SIR OLIVER. An annuity! hal hal hal a Footman raise Money by
annuity-well done Luxury egad I 40 MOSES. But you must ensure your Place. TRIP. 0 with all my Heart-I'll ensure my Place llIlt! my Lite too if you
Please- SIR OLIVER. It's more than I would your neck. TRIP. But then, Moses, it must be done beJhl'e this d--d I'CgistCl'J takes
place-one wouldn't like to havc one's Name made public YOll know.
MOSES, No certainly, But is there nothing you could deposit. TRIP. Why, nothing capital of roy master's wiU'drobe has dropp'd lately-
but I could give YOll a mortgage on some of his winter CJouths with so equity of redemption before November-or-you shall have the reversion-of the French Vcivet-or a post Obit on the Blue and Silver -These I should think Moses-with It jew Pair of Point Rulllcs as It collnteral security-hey my littlc Fellow-?
MOSES. Well, welL [belll'illgs. TRIP, Gad I heard the Bell-I believc Gentlemen I can now introduce
you-don't forget the annuity little Moses; this way Gentlemcn, ensure my place! yOll know-
SIR Ol.IVIm. If the man be a shadow of his MastcI'---this is the Temple of Dissipation indecd I [E:mlllt. 60
I A pOlich of silk for the tail of a bag-wig. , The English fop in Paris 'tops the mode with a while fl'athcf, red heels, and un
immense bOllquet' (To/l!1I (illd COlilltry 11111g1lZi1lC. v (r773), 2(1). l The Annuity BiIll'cqu.ired all grants ofUfe :tnnuitics to he rcgi"lcred.
~ur time agreeably III arrear-and not lUI' own Bags! and
d Bastinadoes 1_ me that little Bill
on me-has his 30 rs and Dunsl : the Note.] h has indorsed it BiI! 'twas as good
)ses do you think
raise Money by
y Life too if you
-d registerJ takes ade public you
posit. dropp'd lately ter Cloaths with 50 shall have the , Blue and Silver ~oint Ruffles as
[bell rings. now introduce
ay Gentlemen,
> is the Temple [Exetmt. 60
red heels, and an
·ed.
ACT III, SCENE III
Scene 3d
CHARLES-CARELESS-etc. elC.
lit it Ta/JIe willi Wille t'te.
CHARLES. 'Fore heaven, 'tis true-there's the great Degeneracy of the age-many of our acquaintance have Taste, spirit, and Politeness-but plague on't they won't drink.
CARELESS. It is so indeed Charles-they give into all the Substantial Luxuries of the Table-and abstain from nothing but wine and wit-
CHARLES. 0 certainly Society suffers by it intolerably-for now instead of the social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they drink which has aU the Pertness and flatulence of Champaine without its Spirit or Flavour.- 10
I ST. GENT. But what are they to do who love Play better than wine? CARELESS. True-there's Harry diets himself-for Gaming and is now
under a Hazard-Regimen- CHARLES. Then He'll have the worst of it-what you wouldn't train a
horse for the course by keeping him from corn-for my Part egad I am now-never so successful as wben I am a little-merry-Iet me throw on a Bottle of Champaine and I never lose-at least I never feel my losses which is exactly the same thing.
2D. GENT. Aye-that I believe. CHARLES. And then what man can pretend to be a Believer in Love who 20
is an abjuror of Wine-tis the Test by which the Lover knows his own Heart, fill a dozen Bumpers to a dozen Beauties-and she that floats at top is the Maid that has bewitch'd. you-
CARELESS. Now then Charles-be honest and give us your real favorite CHARLES. Why I have withheld her only in compassion to you-if I
toast her you must give a round of her Peers which is impossible! on earth! CARELESS. 0 then we'll find some canonized Vestals or heathen God
desses that will do I warrant- CHARLES. Here then-Bumpers-you Rogues-Bumpers!-Maria
-Maria-[drink] 30 1ST. GENT. Maria who? CHARLES. 0 damn the Surname! 'tis too formal to be register'd in Love's
Calendar.-but now Sir Toby Bumper beware-we must have Beauty superlative.
CARELESS. Nay never Study Sir Toby-we'll Stand to The toast-tho' your mistress should want an Eye-and you know you have a song will excuse you-
SIR TOBY, Egad so I have-and I'll give him the Song instead of the . Lady.
260 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
Songl alld Chorus Here's to the maiden of Bashful fifteen
Here's to the Widow of Fifty Here's to the flaunting, Extravagant Q!Jean,
And here's to the House Wife that's thrifty. CHORUS. Let the toast pass
Drink to the Lass- I'll warrant She'll prove an Excuse for the Glass!
2d. Here's to the Charmer whose Dimples we Prize!
Now to the Maid who has none Sir; Here's to the Girl with a pair of blue Eyes,
-And Here's to the Nymph with but one Sir! so CHORUS. Let the Toast pass etc.
3d. Here's to the Maid with a Bosom of Snow,
Now to her that's as brown as a berry: Here's to the Wife with a face full of Woe, And now for the Damsel that's Merry.
CHORUS. Let the Toast pass etc.
4th. For let 'Em be Clumsy or let 'Em be Slim
Young or Ancient, I care not a Feather: -So fill a Pint Bumper Q!Jite up to the Brim
-And let us E'en toast 'Em together! 60 CHORUS. Let the Toast pass etc. ALL.-Bravo. Bravo!
Enter TRIP and Whispers CHARLES. CHARLES. Gentlemen you must excuse me a little-Careless take the
Chair will you I CARELESS. Nay prithee Charles-what now-this is one of your Peerless
Beauties I suppose-has dmpt in by chance.
1 W. Sichel, She,.idall (190<), i. 576, denies that its source was a song in The Goblins: A health to the nut-brown lass, With the hazle eyes, let it pass,
She that has good eyes Has good thighs:
Let it pass, ... let it pass. (Tile Works ofSjr Jonll Suckling (1770), ii. 313.)
40
, fty.
Glass I
>rize I
e Sir! 50
n 60
:areless take the
of your Peerless
Jng in The Goblills:
ACT III, SCENE III 26r
CHARLES. No-Faith-to tell you the Truth 'tis a Jew-anc.l a broker who are come-by appointment.
CARELESS. 0 damn it let's have the Jew in 1ST. GENT. Aye and the Broker too by all means- 70 2ND. GENT. Ycs yes the Jew and the Broker. CHARLES. Egad with all my Heart-Trip-bid the Gentlemen wlIlk in
tho' there's one of them a Stranger I can tell you- CARELESS. Charles-let us Give them some generous Burgundy-and
perhaps they'll grow conscientious. CHARLES. 0 Hang 'em-no-wine docs but draw forth a man's natural
qualities and to make them drink would only be to whet their Knavery.
Enter TRIP-SIR OLIVER lind MOSES. CHARLES. So-honest Moses-walk in-walk in, pray Mr. Premium
that's the Gentleman's name isn't it Moses? MOSES. Yes Sir. 80 CHARLES. Set Chairs-Trip-sit down Mr. Premium-Glasses Trip-
Sit down Moses.-come Mr. Premium I'll give you a sentiment 1 Here's Success to Usury-Moses fill the Gentleman a Bumper.
MOSES. Success to Usury- CARELESS. Right Moses-Usury is Prudence and industry and deserves
to succeed- SIR OLIVER. Then Here is all the success it deserves. CARELESS. No, no-that won't do Mr. Premium, you have demur'd to
the Toast, and must Drink it in a Pint Bumper. 1ST. GENT. A Pint Bumper at least. 90 MOSES. 0 Pray Sir consider Mr. Premium's a Gentleman. CARELESS. And therefore loves good Wine. 2D. GENT Give Moses a Qpart Glass-this is Mutiny, and a High
contempt of the Chair. CARELESS. Here-now for't-I'll sec Justice done to the last drop of my
Bottle. SIR OLIVER. Nay pray Gentlemen-I did not Expect this Usage. CHARLES. No-hang it-Careless-you Shan't: Mr. Premium's a
Stranger. sm OLIVER. Odd-I wish I was well out of this Company. 100 CARELESS. Plague on 'Em then-if they won't Drink-we'll not Sit down
with 'em; come Harry the Dice are in the next Room; Charles you'l! Join us-when you have finish'd your Business with these Gentlemen
CHARLES. I will. I wiIL-[Exeunt] Careless-! CARELESS. Well- CHARLES. Perhaps I may want you.
1 a. Edward Bull's statement in Frnnces Sheridan's A Journey to Btllh: 'I have drunk sentiments very often, we give them for toasts' (Rae, p. 281).
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
CARELESS. 0 you know I am always ready-Word, Note-or Bond 'tis all the same to me. [Exit.
MOSES. Sir-this is Mr. Premium, a Gentleman of the Strictest honour and Secrecy-and always performs what he undertakes-Mr. Premium IIO this is-
CHARLES. Pshaw have done!-Sir, my Friend Moses is a very honest fellow, but a little Slow at Expression, he'll be an Hour giving us our Titles-Mr. Premium-the Plain State of the Matter is this-I am an Extravagant young Fellow, who want[s] Money to Borrow, r you I take to be a Prudent old Fellow, who has got Money to lend-I am Blockhead enough to give Fifty per Cent. sooner than not have it, and you I presume are Rogue Enough to take a hundred ifyou could get it,-Now Sir, you See we are acquainted at once, and may proceed to Business without farther Ceremony. 120
SIR OLIVER. Exceeding frank upon my Word-I see Sir, you are not a Man of many Compliments.
CHARLES. 0 No Sir-plain Dealing in Business I always think best. SIR OLIVER. Sir-I like you the better for't-however you are Mis
taken in one thing-I have no Money to lend. But I believe I could procure some of a Friend; but then hc's an unconscionable Dog isn'f he Moses? and must sell Stock to accom[m]odate you-mustn't he Moses?
MOSES. Yes indeed I-you know I always speak the truth, and Scorn to tell a lie. 130
CHARLES. Right! People that Expect truth Generally do--but these are Trifles Mr. Premium-What-I know money isn't to be bought without paying for't.
SIR OLIVER. Well but what Security could you give--you have no Land I suppose?
CHARLES. Not a Mole-hill-nor a Twig, but what's in beau pots out at the Window.
SIR OLIVER. Nor any Stock I presume. CHARLES. Nothing but live stock-and that's only a few Pointers and
Ponies. But pray Mr. Premium are you acquainted at all with any of 140 my connections-
SIR OLIVER. Why to say truth I am. CHARLES. Then you must know that I have a devilish rich Uncle in the
East Indies-Sir Oliver Surface-from whom I have the greatest Expectations.
SIR OLIVER. That you have a Wealthy Uncle I have heard-but how your Expectations will turn out is more I believe than you can tell.
1 'Thespis' in The Oracle, 17 Sept, 1792, asked 'Why in such polished dialogue as The Schoo/far SClll/dal have we such blots as "I am an extravagant young fellow who want money to borrow?" an uncouth phrase I'
L
, Note-or Bond 'tis [Exit.
the Strictest honour akes M P .- r. remlUm 110
les is a very honest Hour giving us our ter is this-I am an )rrow, I you I take to .d-I am Blockhead have it, and you I could get it,-Now ,roceed to Business
120 : Sir, you are not a
vays think best. ever you are Mis ~ I believe I could :cionable Dog isn'( : you-mustn't he
ruth, and Scorn to 130
do-but these are be bought without
r'ou have no Land
t beau pots out at
few Pointers and It all with any of 140
rich Uncle in the ave the greatest
heard-but how l you can tell.
,olished diaJogue as t young fellow who
ACT III, SCENE III 263
CHARLES. 0 no-there can be no doubt of it-they tell me I'm a prodi ~ious Favorite-and that he talks of leavin~ me every thing.
SIR OLIVER, Indeed this is the first I've heard un't. 150 CHARLES. Yes, yes-tis just so-Moses knows 'tis true-don't you Moses? MOSES. 0 yes-I'll swear to't- SIR OLIVER. Egad they'll persuade me presently I'm at Bengal. CHARLES. Now I propose Mr. Premium if it's agreeable to you to Grant
you a Post Obit on Sir Oliver's Life tho' at the same time the Old Fellow has been so liberal to me that I give you my word I should be very Sorry to hear any thing had happcn'd to him.
SIR OLIVER. Not more than I should I assure you; Dut the bond you mention happens to be Just the worst Security you could Offer me- for I might Live to a hundred and never recover the Principal. 160
CHARLES. 0 yes you would-the moment Sir Oliver dies you know you'd corne on me for the Money.
SIR OLIVER. Then I believe I should be the most unwelcome Dun you Ever had in your Life.
CHARLES, What I suppose you are afraid now that Sit Oliver is too good a Life.
SIR OLIVER. No indeed I am not-tho' I have heard he is as hale and healthy as any Man of his years in Christendom.
CHARLES, There again you are misinformed-No, no, the Climate has hurt him considerably-Poor uncle Oliver-yes he breaks apace I'm 170 told-and so much alter'd lately that his nearest Relations don't know him-
SIR OLIVER. Nol-hal hal hal so much altered lately that his Relations don't know him, hal hal hal that's droll egad-hal hal hal
CHARLES. Hal hal you're glad to hear that little Premium. SIR OLIVER. No-no-I'm not. CHARLES. Yes, yes, you arc-hal hal hal-you know that mends your
Chance. SIR OLIVER. But I'm told Sir Oliver is coming over-nay some say he is
Actually Arrived. 180 CHARLES. Pshaw! Sure I must know better than you whether He's corne or
not-no, no, rely on't, he is at this Moment at Calcutta, isn't he Moses? MOSES. 0 yes certainly. SIR OLIVER. Very true, as you Say-you must know better than I;
tho' I have it from pretty good Authority-hav'nt I Moses? MOSES •• YeS-most undoubted- SIR OLIVER. But Sir-as I understand you want a few hundreds
immediately-is there nothing you would dispose of? CHARLES. How do you mean? SIR OLIVER. For instance now-I have heard-that your Father left 190
behind him a Great Q!Iantity of Massy old Plate
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
CHARLES. 0 Lud that's gone, long ago-Moses can tell you how better than I can-
SIR OLIVER. Good lack! all the Family Race cups and Corporation Bowls! [aside]-then it was also Suppos'd that his Library was one of the most Valuable and compleat-
CHARLES. Yes-yes. So it was-vastly too much so for a private Gentle man-for my part I was always of a Communicative disposition, So I thought it a Shame to keep so much knowledge to myself-
SIR OLIVER. Mercy on me! Learning that had run in the Family like an 200 Heir Loom! Pray what are become of the Books?'
CHARLES. You must Enquire of the Auctioneer, Master Premium, for I don't believe Even Moses can direct you there.
MOSES. I never Meddle with Books. SIR OLIVER. So-so-nothing of the Family Property left I suppose. CHARLES. Not much Indeed, unless you have a mind to the Family
Pictures2-1 have got a Room full ofAncestors above-and if you have a Taste for old Paintings Egad, you shall have 'Em a Bargain.
SIR OLIVER. Hey! and the Devil! Sure you wouldn't Sell your Fore fathers-would you? 210
CHARLES. Every man of 'Em to the best bidder- SIR OLIVER. What your great Uncles and Aunts? CHARLES. Aye, and my Great grand Fathers and Grandmothers too. SIR OLIVER. Now I give him up!-[aside]-what the plague have you
no Bowels for your own kindred ?-Odds Life-do you take me for Shyloek in the Play, that you would raise Money of me, on your own Flesh and Blood?
CHARLES. Nay, my little Broker-don't be angry-what need you care, If you have your Money's worth?
SIR OLIVER. Well-I'll be the purchaser-I think I can dispose of the 220 Family-Oh I'll never forgive him-this-never!
Enter CARELESS. CARELESS. Come Charles-what keeps you? CHARLES. I can't come yet a'faith! we are going to have a Sale above
here's little Premium will buy all my Ancestors- CARELESS. Oh burn your ancestors
, 'A knowledge of Books ... was formerly regarded as a proper QJlalification in a Man of Fashion•••. It will DOt, I presume, be regarded as any kind of Satire on the present Age, to say, that among the higher Ranks, this literary Spirit is generally vanished' (John Brown, Atl Estimate of tile Manners and Principles of the Times (5th ed., 1757), pp. 42-3.
, Cf. Sir Jeremy's statement in Frances Sheridan's A Journey to Bath: 'Why the land and the Mansion house has slippd thro' our finger's boy; but thank heaven the family pictures are still extant' (Rae, p. JU).
L
I tell you how better
)s and Corporation Library was one of
or a private Gentle ve disposition, So I myself
1 the Family like an 200
Iter Premium, for I
ty Ieft I suppose. md to the Family 'e-and if you have a Bargain.
l't Sen your Fore 210
ndmothers too. ~ plague have you I you take me for me, on your own
lat need you care,
an dispose of the 220
'e a Sale above
:r Q!1alification in a ind of Satire on the Spirit is generally
's of the Times (5th
to Bath: 'Why the . thank heaven the
ACT IV, SCENE I
CHARLES. No, he may do that afterwards ifhe pleases: Stay Careless we want you, Egad you shaH be Auctioneer. So come along with us.
CARELESS. Oh, have with you, If that's rhe Case-I can handle a hammer as well as a Dice Box!
SIR OLIVER. Oh the Profligates! 230 CHARLES. Come Moses-you shan be appraiser if we want one, gads
Life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business. SIR OLIVER. Oh yes I do vastly-ha, ha, yes, yes, I think it a rare Joke to
Sen one's Family by Auction, ha! ha! Oh, the prodigal! CHARLES. To be Sure! when a man wants money, where the plague
should he get Assistance,-If he can't make free with his own Relations. [Exeunt.
END OF Tm: THIRD ACT
Act 4th. Scene ISt
Picture Room at CHARLES's
E1ltef CHARLES, SIR OLIVER, MOSES alld CARELESS.
CHARLES. Walk in Gentlemen, pray walk in!-here they are, the family of the Surfaces up to the Conquest.
SIR OLIVER. And, in my opinion a goodly Collection. CHARLES. Aye, Aye, these are done in the true spirit of Portrait
Painting-no Volunteer Grace, or Expression-not like the Works of your Modern Raphael,' who gives you the strongest resemblance2 yet contrives to make your own Portrait independent ofyou3-So that you may Sink the Original and not hurt the Picture-no-no, the merit of
I A cutting (in the Folger Library) from an unnamed newspaper, but dated '4 Apr. 1779, describes an Opera House masquerade, at which were present 'our modern Raphael and his lovely companions, Sir Joshua, with his three Graces'. Sheridan also made the comparison in Verses to the Memory oj"Garri,k, lines 25-6.
Z Cf. Edmond Malone's opinion: 'The two portraits which Sir Joshua Reynolds has lately painted of Mr. William Windham of Norfolk and Richard Brinsley Sheridan are so like the originals, that they seem almost alive and ready to speak to you. Painting, in point of resemblance, can go no farther' (James Prior, The Lift ofEdmond Malone (,860), p. 388).
, Sir Joshua showed thirteen pictures at the Royal Academy exhibition of 1777, and the Morning Chronicle, 25 Apr. '777, remarked of them: 'As the face of every portrait is the speaking part of the picture, Sir Joshua is particularly happy in giving all his figures such force of expression, that scarce a person looks at them without entering into a kind of colloquy with the picture.'
2M THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
these is the Inveterate likeness'-all Stiff and Aukward as the Originals and like nothing in human Nature beside! 10
SIR OLIVER. Ah! we shall never see such Figures of men again. CHARLES. No, I hope not, you See Master Premium what a domestic
Character I am-here I sit of an Evening Surrounded by my Family- But come get to your Pulpit Mr. Auctioneer-here's an old Gouty chair' of my Grandfather's-will Answer the purpose.
CARELESS. Aye-aye-this will do---but Charles I have ne'er a Hammer and what's an Auctioneer without his Hammer?
CHARLES. Egad, that's true, What parchment' have we here? [takes dowlZ a roll} Richard Heir to Thomas-our genealogy in full! Here Careless you shall havc no Common bit ofMahogany-Here's the Family Tree 20 for you, you Rogue-this shall be your Hammer, and now you may knock down my Ancestors with their own Pedigree.
SIR OLIVER. What an unnatural Rogue! an ex post facto Parricide! CARELESS. Yes, yes, here's a list of your Generation indeed.-faith
Charles-this is the most Convenient thing you could have found for the Business, for 'twill Serve not only as a Hammer, but a Catalogue into the Bargain-but come begin-a going-a going-a going!
CHARLES. Bravo! Careless-well here's my Great uncle Sir Richard Ravilinel-a Marvellous good General in his Day I assure you-He served in all the Duke ofMarlborough's Wars; and got that cut over his 30 Eye at the Battle ofMalplaquet;4 What say you Mr. Premium-look at him-there's a Hero for you! not cut out of his Feathers, as your Modern clipt Captains areS-but enveloped in Wig and Regimentals as a General should be-what do you bid?
MOSES. Mr. Premium would have you Speak- CHARLES. Why then he shall have him for ten Pounds and I am Sure
that's not Dear for a Staff Officer.
! Cf. Wycherley, Tile Plain Dealer, II: 'I lind one may have a collection of all ones acquaintances Pictures, as well at your house, as at Mr. Lely's; only the difference is, there we find 'em much handsomer than they are, anu like; here much uglier, and like' (Complete Works, ed. M. Summers (1924), i. 1:13).
, Paraphrased in The Public Register: or Freemdn's JOllrnal, 27-29 Jan. 1778, as 'an old easy chair" but this may still have meant one particularly adapted for sufferers of gout, as is evident in Horace Walpole's letter to Mann, 3 Jan. 1778 (Walpole Corr., viii. 346). See for 'a gouty stool', plate 15 from Hepplewhite's CabilletMaker and Up Irolsterer's Guide (I788), reproduced in John Glong, Georgitzn Grace (1956), p. 163. Some verses on 'The Gouty Chair, and Chimney Corner', by 'Lister Esq.', are printed in Poetical Amusements at II Villa near Bath (2nd edn., 1776), iv. lOS-II.
, A ravelin was a fortification with two faces at an angle to the main structure. • The English and allied troops were commandeu by Marlborough and Prince
Eugene at this batde, fought on II Sept. 1709, in the War of the Spanish Succession. S Without the plumes, but (as paraphrased in the Public Register, 27-29 Jan. 1778)
'with the foiseur of the modern officer'.
10
ACT IV, SCENE I :ward as the Originals
SiR OLIVER. Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for Ten pounds! Very well Sir-I take him at that.of men again.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard-Here now is a 40 urn what a domestic Maiden Sister of his, my Great Aunt Deborah done by Kneller thoughtIded by my Family_ to be in his best Manner;' and a very formidable Likeness-There Shehere's an old Gouty is you See-A Shepherdess feeding her !lock-you shall have her forpose. five pounds Ten-the Sheep are worth the Money?
lave ne'er a Hammer SIR OLiVER. Ah! poor Deborah-a woman who set such a Value on
herself!-Five pound ten! She's mine. we here? [takes down
CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! Here now are two that were a I full! Here Careless Sort of Cousins of theirs-you se~ Moses these Pictures were done some re's the Family Tree 20 time ago-when Beaux wore Wigs,l and the Ladies wore their own , and now you may Hair. 50 e.
SIR OLiVER. Yes truly Head dresses appear to have been a little lower~ facto Parricide I in those Days.
Ltion indeed.-faith CHARLES. Well take that Couple for the same. )uld have found for MOSES. Tis good Bargain. but a Catalogue into CHARLES. Careless I-This now is a Grandfather of my Mother's, a ·3 going! learned Judge, well known on the Western Circuit-What do you rate uncle Sir Richard him at Moses?
, I assure you-He MOSES. Four Guineas. ~ot that cut over his JO CHARLES. Four guineas! Gads Life, you don't bid me the Price of his , Premium-look at Wig! Mr. Premium-you have more respect for the Woolsack-uo let 60 Feathers, as your us knock his Lordship down at fifteen.
g and Regimentals sr~ OLlVF:R. By all means- CARELESS. Gone. CHARLES. And there are two Brothers of his William and Walter Blunt
Lds and I am Sure Esquires both Members of Parliament and Noted Speakers, and what's very Extraordinary, I believe this is the first time they were ever bought and Sold.
SIR OLIVER. That's very extraordinary Indeed! I'll take them at your L collection of all ones own Price for the Honour of Parliament. only the ~ijference is,
CARELESS. Well said Little Premium-I'll knock 'em down at 70much uglIer, and like' forty.
7-2 9 Jan. 1778, as 'an :apted for sufferers of B(Walpole Corr., viii. I Sir Godfrey Kneller (I646-1723). For his 'thinly painted method', see C. H. iillet Maker and Up Collins-Baker. Lely and Kneller (1922), pp. 104-5. '(I956), p. 163. Some • Cf. The Vitar of Wakefield: 'Sophia was to be a shepherdess, with as many sheep Esq.', are printed in as the painter could put in for nothing' (Col/ecud Works of Oliver Goldsmith, ed. A. i-It. Friedman (Oxford, (966), iv. 83). main structure. l Cf. Garrick's prologue to A Trip to Scarborough, lines 19-22. !lorough and Prince i 'The female head dress had now reached the highest degree of ridkule. It was time Spanish Succession. for the stage to lay hold of such extreme folly .• .' (Chesler Chronicle, J2 Feb. I776). fer, 27-29 Jan. 1778) Garrick derided it when playing Sir John Brute at this date, and Foote, as Lady Pent
weazle, wore a head-drcss a yard wide and full of ostrich feathers.
268 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
CHARLES. Here's a Jolly Fellow-I don't know what Relation-But he was Mayor of Manchester,' take him at Eight pounds.
SIR OLIVER. No, no-six will do for the Mayor. CHARLES. Come make it Guineas and I'll throw you the two Aldermen
there into the Bargain. SIR OLIVER. They're mine. CHARLES. Careless-knock down the Mayor and Aldermen-but
Plague on't we shall be all Day-retailing in this manner, do let us deal Wholesale-what say you little Premium-give me three hundred 80 pounds, for the Rest of the family in the Lump.
CARELESS. Aye-aye-that will be the best way. SIR OLIVER. Well, well, any thing to accommodate you, they are mine.
-but there is one Portrait, which you have always passed Over CARELESS. What, that ill looking little Fellow over the Settee SIR OLIVER. Yes Sir I mean that, tho' I don't think him So ill looking
a little Fellow by any means. CHARLES. What that? Oh that's my unkle Oliver, 'twas done before he
went to India- CARELESS. Your Uncle Oliver! Gad! then you'll never be friends Charles, 90
That now to me is as Stern a looking Rogue as Ever I saw-an Unfor giving Eye, and a damn'd disinheriting Countenance I an Inveterate Knave depend on't, don't you think so little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. Upon my Soul Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking Face as any in the Room-dead or alive; but I suppose your Uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the Lumber
CHARLES. No hang. it, 1'\1 not part with poor Noll-The Old Fellow has been very good to me, and Egad I'll keep his Picture, while I've a Room to put it in.
SIR OLIVER. [aside) The rogue's my nephew after all!-but, sir, I 100 have Somehow taken a fancy to that Picture.
CHARLES. I'm sorry for't, for you certainly will not have it-Oons! haven't you got enough of 'Em?
SIR OLIVER. I forgive him everything I [aside]-but Sir when I take a Whim in my Head I don't Value Money-I'll give as much for that as for all the rest-
CHARLES. Don't teize me, Master Broker, I tell you I'll not part with it-And there's an End on't-
SIR OLIVER. How like his Father the Dog is! [aside] well, well, I have done; I did not perceive it before but I think I never Saw such a no Resemblance [aside)-well Sir-Here is a Draught for your Sum.
CHARLES. Why 'tis for Eight hundred pounds! , The name of the town may have been varied to satisfy local prejudices. TI,e comedy
was such a success at Manchester that 'the theatre was in danger of being destroyed by the crowd who pressed for places' (MomillK Cllr01licle, 19 June 1778).
AL
vhat Relation-But he ounds.
{aU the two Aldermen
and Aldermen-but manner, do let us deal e me three hundred 80
e you, they are mine. vs passed Over the Settee
uk him SQ ill looking
'twas done before he
~r be friends Charles go er I saw-an Unfor~ ance! an Inveterate ium? k it is as honest a but I Suppose your
rhe Old Fellow has , while I've a Room
~ alII-but, sir, I roo
Jt have it-Gonsl
Sir when I take a as much for that
I'll not part with
well, well, I have ever Saw such a lIO 'r your Sum.
judices. The cornedy f being destroyed by 78).
ACT IV, SCENE I
SIR OLIVER. You will not let Oliver go? CHARLES. Z--dsl no I tell vou once more. SIR OLIVER. Then never mi~d the Difference; we'll Ballance another
time, but give me your hand on the Bargain-you are an Hunest Fellow Charles-I beg pardon Sir for being so free,-come Moses,
CHARLES. Egad this is a Whimsical oM Fellow-hut hcarkee Premium, you'll prepare Lodgings for these Gentlemen. 120
SIR OLIVER. Yes, Yes, I'll send for them in a Davor two- CHARLES. But hold-do now-Send a Genteel Conveyance for them,
for I Assure you they were most of them used to Ride in their own Carriages.
SIR OLIVER. I will, I will, for all hut-Oliver CHARLES. Aye all, but the little honest nabob. l SIR OLIVER. You're fixed on that- CHARLES. Peremptorily. SIR OLIVER. A Dear extravagant Rogue! Good day come Moses,-let
me hear now who dares call him Profligate! 130 [Exeunt SIR OLIVER and MOSES.
CARELESS. Why this is the Oddest Genius-of the Sort I ever Saw. CHARLES. Egad he's the Prince of Brokers I think, I wonder how the
Devil Moses got acquainted with so honest a fellow-hah! here's Rowley, do Careless; Say I'll join the Company in a Moment
CARELESS. I will,-but don't now letthat old Blockhead persuade you-to Squander any ofthat Money on old Musty debts, or any such Nonsense for tradesmen-Charles, are the most Exorbitant Fellows!
CHARLES. Very true, and paying them is only Encouraging them. CARELESS. Nothing else. CHARLES. Aye-Aye-never fear.-[E.t-it CARELESS] Soh-this was an 140
Odd old Fellow Indeed! Let me See, two thirds of this is mine by Right; five hundred and thirty pounds 'Fore I'leaven, I find one's Ancestors are more Valuable Relations than I took 'Em for !-Ladies and Gentlemen, your most Obedient and very Grateful humble Servant,-[Enter ROWLEYJ-hah! old Rowley, Egad, you are Just come in Time, to take leave of your Old Acquaintance-
ROWLEY. Yes I heard they were going-but I wonder you can have such Spirits under so many Distresses.
CHARLES. Why there's the poinr,-my Distresses are so many that I can't afford to part with my Spirits, but I shall be rich and Splenetic all 150
I A civil Or military official of the East India Company, who made 11 fortune during his st1ly in India. It is interesting to find that the word 'honest' appeared in the text presented to MfB. Crewe: the reputation of the 'nabobs' grew steadily worse between 1760 and 1785. For a full discussion, see James M. Holzman, The Nabobs ill England. A Study of/he Re/ired Anglo-Indian, 1760-85 (New York, 1916).
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
in good time; however I suppose you are Surprized that I am not more sorrowful at parting with so many near Relations, to be Sure 'tis very affecting-but rot 'Em you See they never move a muscle, So why should I.
ROWLEY. There's no making-you Serious a Moment. CHARLES. Yes faith: I am so now-here my honest Rowley here get me
this chang'd, and take a hundred pounds of it immediately to old Stanley-
ROWLEY. A Hundred pounds-Consider only- CHARLES. Gad's Life don't talk about it poor Stanley's wants are 160
pressing-and if you don't make haste we shall have some one call that has a better Right to the Money-
ROWLEY. Ah! there's the point.-I never will cease Dunning you with the Old Proverb-
CHARLES. 'Be Just before you're Generous' hey!-why so I would if I could-but Justice is an Old lame hobbling Beldame-and I can't Get her to keep pace with Generosity, for the Soul of Me. l -
ROWLEY. Yet, Charles, believe me-one hour's reflection- CHARLES. Aye-Aye-its all very true-but hearkee, Rowley while I
have, by heaven I'll give-so Damn your economy-and now for 170 hazard . . . . [Exeunt.
Scene zd.' the Parlour
Entel' SIR OLIVER alld MOSES. MOSES. Well Sir I think as Sir Peter said you have seen' Mr. Charles in
high Glory-'tis great Pity He's so extravagant. SIR OLIVER. True-but He wouldn't Sell my Picture MOSES. And loves wine and women so much- SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't Sell my Picture. MOSES. And game so deep- SIR OLIVER. But He wouldn't Sell my Picture.-O-here's E.owley!
Eltter ROWLEY. ROWLEY. So-Sir Oliver-I find you have made a Purchase. SIR OLIVER. Yes-yes-Our young Rake has parted with his Ancestors
like Old Tapestry. 10 ROWLEY. And here has he commission'd me to redeliver you Part of the
purchase Money I mean tho' in your necessitous Character of old Stanley-
I Cf. Christopher Smart, Jubilate Agtlo, ed. W. H. Bond (I954), p. 97: 'For Tully says to be generous you must be firs,!: just, but the voice of Christ is distribute at all events.'
as
that r am not more :0 be Sure 'tis very a muscle, So why
:t. owley here get me nmediately to old
"
mley's wants are r60 some one call that
)unning you with
y so I would if I me-and I can't, .fMe. l ion- Rowley while I
y-and now for 170 [Exeunt. ,,
L' Mr. Charles in
re's Eowleyl
lase. it his Ancestors
10
you Part of the laracter of old
p. 97: 'For Tully s distributo at all
r ACT IV, SCENE III
MOSES. Ah! there is the Pity ohll! He is so damn'd charitable. ROWLEY. And I have left a Hosier and two Tailors in the Hall-who I'm
. s~re won't be pa.id, and this hundred would Satisfy 'em! SIR OLIVER. Well-well-I'll pay his Debts-and his Benevolences
too-but now I am no more a Broker and you shall introduce me to the elder Brother as Old Stanley.
ROWLEY. Not yet awhile-Sir Peter I know means to call thece about 20 this time.
Enter TRIP. TH I P. 0 Gentlemen I beg Pardon for not shewing you out-this way-
Moses a Word [E.reulIt TRIP and MOSES. SIR OLIVER. There's a fellow for you-would you believe it! that
Puppy intercepted the Jew, on our coming and wanted to raise money before he got to his master-
ROWLEY. Indeed! Slit OLIVER. Yes-they are now planning an annuity Business-ahl
Master Rowley in my Day Servants were content with the Follies of their Masters when they were worn a little Thread-Bare but now they 30 have their Vices, like their Birth-Day Cloaths with the Gloss on.
[E;cetmt.
Scelle 3d: A Library
SURFACE arId SERVANT.
SURFACE. No Letter £i'om Lady Teazle? SERVANT. No Sir- SURFACE. I am surprised she hasn't sent if she is prevented from
coming-? Sir Peter certainly does not suspect me-yet I wish I may not lose the Heiress, thro' the scrape I have drawn my'self in with the wife-However Charles's imprudence and ba.d character are great Points in my Favour.- [Knocking.
SERVANT. Sir-I believe that must be Lady Teazle- SURFACE. Hold see-whether it is or not before you go to the Door-I
have a particular Message for you if it should be my Bl'Other- 10 SERVANT. 'Tis her Ladyship Sir, She always leaves her Chair at the
millener's ill the next Street. SURFACE. Stay-stay-draw that Skreen before the Window-that will
do-my opposite Neighbour-is a maiden Lady of so curious a temper !-[Servant draws the Screen and Exit] I have a difficult Hand to play in this Affair-Lady Teazle has lately Suspected my Views on Maria-but She must by no means be let into that secret, at least not 'till I have her more in my Power.
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
Enter LADY TEAZLE. LADY TEAZLE. What Sentiment in Soliloquy-have you been very
impatient now?-O Iud! don't pretend to look grave-I vow I couldn't 20 come before-
SURFACE. 0 Madam Punctuality is a species of constancy, a very un fashionable quality in a Lady.
LADY TEAZLE. Upon my word you ought to pity me, do you know that Sir Peter is grown so iIl-temper'd to me of Late I-and so jealous! of Charles too that's the best of the Story isn't it-?
SURFACE. I am glad my scandalous Friends keep that up-[asideJ LADY TEAZLE. I am sure I wish He would let Maria marry him-and
then perhaps He would be convinced-don't you_Mr. Surface? SURFACE. Indeed I do not.-[aside] 0 Certainly I do-for then my dear 30
Lady Teazle would also be convinced how wrong her suspicions were- of my having any Design on the silly Girl-[sit]
LADY TEAZLE. Well-well I'm inclined to believe you-But isn't it provoking to have the most ill natured Things said to one? and there's my friend Lady Sneerwell has circulated I don't know how many Scandalous Tales of me and all without any Foundation too-that's what vexes me.
SURFACE. Aye Madam to he sure that is the Provoking circumstance without Foundation.-yes yes-there's the mortification indeed-for when a slanderous Story is believed against one-there certainly is no 40 comfort-like the consciousness of having deserv'd it-
LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure--then I'd forgive their Malice-but to attack me who am really so innocent-and who never sayan ill natured thing of anybody-tnat is of any Friend-I and then Sir Peter too-to have him so peevish and so suspicious-when I know the integrity of my own Heart'-indeed 'tis monstrous.
SURFACE. But my dear Lady Teazle 'tis your own fault if you suffer it when a Husband entertains a groundless suspicion of his Wife, and withdraws his confidence from her-the original compact is broke and she owes it to the Honor of her sex to endeavour to outwit him. 50
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed-so that if He suspects me without cause, it follows that the best way of curing his Jealousy is to give him reason for't.
SURFACE. Undoubtedly-for your Husband should never be deceived in you-and in that case it becomes you to be frail in compliment to his discernment.
I Cf. 'The integrity of her own heart makes her liable to be imposed on by a plausible outside; and yet the dear good woman takes a sort of pride in her sagacity' (Frances Sheridan, Memoirs o/Miss Sidney Bidlllpb (Dublin (1761), i. 82).
ACT IV, SCENE III :173 ,. LADY TEAZLE. To be sure what you say is very reasonable-and when
the consciousness of my own Innocence- SURFACE. Ah! my Dear-Madam there is the great mistake-'tis this
very conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you 60 What is it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion ?-why the consciousness of your Innocencel-what makes you thoughtless in your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences ?-why the consciousness ofyour Innocence-what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's Temper and outrageous at his suspicions? -why the consciousness of your own Innocence-
LADY TEAZLE. Tis very true. SURFACE. Now my dear Lady Teazle if you would but once make a
trifling Faux-Pas-you can't conceive how cautious you would grow- and how ready to humour and agree with your Husband. 70
LADY TEAZLE. Do you think 80 SURFACE. 0 I'm sure on't-and then you would find all Scandall would
cease at once-for in short your Character at Present is like a Person in a Plethora absolutely dying of too much Health.
LADY TEAZLE. So-so-thcn I perceive your Prescription is that I must sin in my own Defence:"""and part with my virtue to preserve my Reputation.
SURF ACE. Exactly so upon my credit Ma'am. LADY TEAZLE. Well certainly this is the oddest Doctrine-and the
newest Receipt for avoiding Calumny. 80 SURFACE. An infallible one-believe me-Prudence like experience must
be paid for- LAD Y TEAZLE. Why if my understanding were once convinced- SURl" ACE. 0 certainly madam your understanding should be convinced
yes-yes-Heav'n forbid I should perswade you to do any thing you thought wtong-no-no-I have too much honor to desire it-
LADY TEAZLE. Don't-you think we may as well leave Honor out of the Argument?
SURFACE. Ah-the ill effects of your country education I see still remain with you. 90
LADY TEAZLE. I doubt they do indeed-and I will fairly own to you that If I could be perswaded to do wrong it would be by Sir Peter's ill usage-sooner than your honourable Logic after all-
SURFACE. Then by this Hand which He is unworthy of-
Enter SERVANT. Sdeath, 'you Blockhead-what do you want-
I 'A collection of Toasts to reform the manners of the Times' (printed in Balli Chronicle, 19 Dec. 1711) includes the following; 'May the consciousness of our own innocence ever afford l1ll that p\easurl! which the lewd man never enjoyed, iUld the guilty never felt.'
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
SERVANT. I beg Pardon Sir but I thought you wouldn't chuse Sir Peter to come up without announcing him-?
SURFACE. Sir Peter-DOns and the Devil- LADY TEAZLE. Sir Peter! 0 Lud! I'm ruin'd-I'm ruin'd- SERVANT. Sir twasn't I let him in. 100 LADY TEAZLE. 0 I'm undone-what will become of me now Mr.
Logick?-O mercy I-Ie's on the Stairs-I'll get behind here-and if ever I am so imprudent again- [Goes behind the SCI'CI!1Z.
SURFACE. Give me that-Book! [Sits dOWII-SERV ANT pretmds
to adjust his :Hair. Enter SIR PETER.
SIR PETER. Aye, ever improving hirnselfl-Mr. Surface-Mr. Surface1
SURFACE. Ohl-my Dear Sir Peter-I beg your Pardon-[gaping and throws away the Book)' I have been dozing ~ver a stupid Book! well-I am much obliged to you for this Call-you haven't been here I believe since I fitted up this Room-Books you know are the only Things I am lIO a Coxcomb in-
SIR PETER. Tis very neat indeed-well well that's proper-and you make even your screen a source of knowledge-hung I perceive with Maps-
SURFACE. 0 yes-I find great use in that Screen. SIR PETER. I dare say you must-certainly-when you want to find
anything in a Hurry- SURFACE. Aye or to hide any thing in a Hurry either-(aside) SIR PETER. Well I have a little private Business- SURFACE. You needn't stay-[to SERVANT] 120 SERVANT. No, sir- [Exit. SURFACE. Here's a chair-Sir Peter-I beg- SIR PETER. Well now we are alone-there is aSubject-my dear-Friend
-on which I wish to unburthen my Mind to you-a Point of the greatest moment to my Peace-in short-my good Friend-Lady Teazle's Conduct of late has made me extremely unhappy.
SURFACE. Indeed I'm very sorry to hear it- SIR PETER. Yes 'tis but too plain she has not the least regard for mc
but what's worse-I have pretty good Authority to suspect that she must have formed an attachment to another. 130
! Mary Linley described the successful Bath performance of The Selma! for SCllnda! in a letter to her sister, Mrs. Sheridan, of 14 Nov. [1777], and added, 'I particularly observed that instead of throwing the Book to the other end of the Room as Palmer does he [Dimond] very carefully pulled down the Page he was reading and gave'it to his Servant w[hi]ch is certainly more consistent with his Character' (Sheridan Correspondence, viii. 44, in the Widener Library, Harvard University).
::In't chuse Sir Peter
'uin'd_
100 of me now Mr
hind here-and if behilld the SCI'cen.
SER VANT pretends to adjust his Hair.
r. Surfuce-Mr.
lon-[gaping and lid Book! well-I :en here I believe Jnly Things I am 1I0
)roper-and you ; I perceive with
DU want to find
(aside)
120
[Exit.
ly dear-Friend -a Point of the
Friend-Lady ppy.
egard for me lspect that she
130
'ehool for Scandal :d, 'J particularly Room as Palmer ding and gave it racter' (Sheridan
ACT IV, SCENE III Z75 SURFACE. You astonish me. SIR PETER. Yes-and between ourselves-I think I have discover'd the
Person. SURFACE. How-you alarm me exceedingly! SIR PETER. Ah! my Dear friend I knew you would sympathize with me. SURFACE. Yes-believe me Sir Peter-such a discovery would hurt me
just as much as it would you- SIR PETER. I am convinced of it-ah!-it is a happiness to have a
Friend whom one can trust even with one's Family Secrcts-but have you no guess who I mean? . 140
SURF ACE. I haven't the most distant Idea.-it can't be Sir Benjamin Backbite.
SIR PETER. 0 No-what say you to Charles? SURFACE. My Brother-impossible! SIR PETER. Ah! my dear Friend-the goodness of your own Heart
misleads you-you judge of others hy-yourself- SURFACE. Certainly Sir Peter-the Heart that is conscious of its own
integrity is ever slow to credit another's Treachery- SIR PETER. True but your Brother has no sentiment-you never hear
him talk so.- 150 SURFACE. Yet I can't but think that Lady Teazle herself has too much
Principle- SIR PETER. Aye-but what's her Principle-against the flattery of a
handsome-lively young Fellow- SURFACE. That's very true- SIR: PETER. And then you know the difference of our ages makes it very
improb[ab]Ie that she should have a great affection for me-and if she were to be frail and I were to make it Public-why the Town would only laugh at me, the foolish old Batchelor who had Married a GirL-
SURFACE. That's true-to be sure-they would laugh- 160 SIR PETER. Laugh!-aye-and make Ballads--and Paragraphs and the
Devil knows what of me- SURFACE. No---you must never make it Public- SI~ PETER. But then again that the Nephew of myoId Friend Sir
Oliver should be the Person to attempt such a wrong-hurts me more
SURFACE. Aye there's the point; when Ingratitude barbs the Dart of Iniury~the wound has double danger in it-
SIR PETER. Aye, I that was in a manner left his Guardian-in whose House he had been so often entertain'd-who never in my Life denied 170 him my advice-
SURFACE. 0 'tis not to be credited-There may be a man capable of such Baseness to be sure-but for my Part 'till you can give me positive Proofs-I can not but doubt it. However if this should be
~ c,.
276 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
proved on him He is no longer a Brother ~f mine! I disclaim .kir:dred with him-for the Man who can break thro the Laws ofHospltahty and attempt the wife-of his Friend deserves to be branded as the Pest of Society~
SIll. PETER. What a difference there is between you-what noble sentiments!- 180
SURFACE. Yet I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's Honor- , SIR PETER. I am sure I wish to think well of her-and to remove all
ground of quarrel b.etween us-She has lately reproach'd me more than once-with haying made no settlement on her-and in our last Qyarrel she almost hinted that she should not break her Heart if I was Dead. now as we seem to differ in our Ideas of Expence I have resolved she shall be her own Mistress in that Respect for the future-and if I were to die she shall find that I have not heen inattentive to her Interest while living-Here my Friend are the Draughts of two Deeds which I wish to have your opinion on: by one-She will enjoy eight hundred a year 190 independent while I live-and by the other the Bulk of my Fortune after my Death-
SURFACE. This Conduct Sir Peter is indeed truly Generollsl-I wish it may not corrupt my Pupil-[aside]
SIR PETER. Yes I am Determined she shall have no cause to complain tho' I would not have her acquainted with the latter Instance of my Affection yet awhile-
SURFACE. Nor I-if I could help it-[asideJ SIR PETER. And now my Dear Friend if you please we will talk over the
situation of your hopes with Maria- 200 SURFACE. No-no-Sir Peter-another Time if you Please-[soft(y ] SIR PETER. I am Sensibly chagrined at the little Progress you seem to
make in her affection- SURFACE. I beg you will not mention it-what are my Disap[p]ointments
when your Happiness is in Debate! [soft(yJ 'sdeath-I should be ruin'd every way-[asideJ
SIR PETER. And tho' you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with your Passion-I am sure she's not your Enemy in the Affail'
SURFACE. Pray Sir Peter-now oblige me.-I am really too much affected by the subject we have been speaking on to bestow a thought 210 on my own concerns-The Man who is entrusted with his Friend's Distresses can never-well Sir?
Enter SER VANT. SER VANT. Your Brother, Sir, is--speaking to a Gentleman in the Street
and says He knows you are within- SURFACE. Sdeath, Blockhead-I'm not within-I'm out for the Day
I
a r ACT IV, SCENE III 277
SIR PETER. Stay-hold-a thought has struck me-you shall be at home
SURFACE. Well-well-let him up-[Exit SERVANT] He'll Interrupt Sir Peter-however-
SIR PETER. Now my good Friend-oblige me I entreat you-before 220 Charles comes-let me conceal myself somewhel'e-Then do you tax him on the Point we have been talking on-and his answers may satisfy me at once-
SURF ACE. 0 Fie Sir Peter-would you have me join in so mean a Trick to trepan l my Brother to-
SIR PETER. Nay you tell me-you are sure He is innocent-if so you do him the greatest service in giving him an opportunity to clear himself and-you will set-my Heart at rest-'-come you shall not refuse me here behind this Screen will bl!-[goes to the Screen]-hey Iwhat the Devil -there seems to be one list'ner --here already-I'll swear I saw a 2JO Petticoat.
SURFACE. Ha! hal hal-well this is ridiculous enough-I'll tell you Sir Peter-tho' I hold a man of Intrigue to be a most despicable Character yet you know it doesn't follow that one is to be an absolute Josephz either.-hearkee-'tis a little French Millener-a silly Rogue that Plagues me-and having some character, on your coming she ran behind the Screen-
SIR PETER. Ah I you Rogue-but 'egad she has overheard all I have been saying of my Wife.
SURFACE. 0 'twill never go any further-you may depend on't. \ SIR PETER. Nol-then-'efaith, let her hear it out.-Here's a Closet
will do as well. SURFACE. Well go in then- SIR PETER. Sly Rogue-sly Rogue- [Goes illto the ClosetJ SURFACE. A very narrow escape indeed!-and a curious situation I'm
in I-to part man and wife in this manner. LADY TEAZLE. [Peeping from the screen]. Couldn't I steal off? SURFACE. Keep close my Angel- SIR PETER. [Peeping out]. Joseph-tax him home SURFACE. Back-my dear Friend I 250 LADY TEAZLE [Peeping]. Couldn't you Lock Sir Peter in? SURFACE. Be stilI-my Life. SIR PETER [Peeping]. You're sure-the little MilIener won't blab? SURFACE. In I in I my good Sir Peter-foregad-I wish I had a Key to the
Door.
I Decoy or beguile. Cf. The Beggar's Opera, II. xiii: 'Force or cunning I Never shall my heart trapan.'
> Resisting Potiphar's wife: Genesis 39: 7 seq. , a. A Trip /0 Scarborollgh, IV. iii: Exit Loveless into the Closet.
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
Euter CHARLES.
CHARLES SURFACE. Hollo! Brother-what has been the matter? your Fellow wouldn't let me up at first-what have you had a Jew or a wench with you?
SURl'ACE. Neither Brother I assure you. CHARLES SURFACE. But-what has made Sir Peter-steal off-I thought 260
He had been with you. SURFACE. He was Brother-but hearing you were coming He did not
chuse to stay- CHARLES SURFACE. What was the old Gentleman afraid I wanted to
borrow money of him! JOSEPH. No Sir-but I am Sorry-to find Charles-that you have
lately given that worthy man grounds for great Uneasiness CHARLES SURFACE. Yes they tell me I do that to a great many worthy
men-but How so Pray? JOSEPH. To be plain with you Brother He thinks you are endeavouring- 270
to gain Lady Teazle's Affections from him. CHARLES SURFACE. Who 1-0 Lud! not I upon my word. Hal hal hal
so the old Fellow has found out that He has got a young wife-has He? or what's worse has her Ladyship discover'd that she has an old Husband?
JOSEPH. This is-no subject to jest on Brother-He who can laugh CHARLES SURFACE. True Brother as you were going to say-then
seriously I never had the least idea of what-you charge me with, upon my honour-
SURFACE. Well, it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this- 280 [aloud]
CHARLES SURFACE. To be sure I once thought the Lady seem'd to have taken n fancy to me-but upon my soul I never gave her the least encouragement.-besides, you know my Attachment to Maria"":'
SURFACE. But sure Brother even if Lady Teazle had betray'd the fondest partiality for you-
CHARLES SURFACE Why-lookee Joseph-I hope I shall never delib erately do a dishonourable Action-but if-a pretty woman were purposely to throw herself in my way-and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to be her Father- 290
SURFACE. Well! CHARLES SURFACE. -Why I believe I should be obliged to borrow a
little of your Morality-that's all.-but Brother-do you know now that you surprize me Exceedingly by naming me with Lady-Teazle--; for faith I always understood you were her Favourite-
SURFACE. a-for Shame Charles-this retort is Foolish
•
ACT IV, SCENE III 279
CHARLES SURFACE. Nay I swear I have seen you exchange such significant Glances-
SURFACE. Nay-nay-Sir-this is no CHARLES SURFACE. Egad-I'm serious-don't you remember-one 300
Day when I call'd here SURFACE. Nay-prithee-Charles CHARLES SURFACE. And found you together SURFACE. Zounds-Sir-I insist-r- CHARLES SURFACE. And another time when your Servant- SURFACE. Brother-Brother a word with you-gad I must stop him
[Mide] CHARLES SURFACE. lnform'd-me I say that- SURFACE. Hushl-l beg your-Pardon but-Sir Peter has overneard all
·0 we have been saying-I knew you would clear yourself or I should nQt 310 have consented-
CHARLES SURFACE. How Sir Peted-where is He-? SURFACE. SoftIy-there-[points to the Closet] CHARLES SURFACE. Q-'[ore Heav'n I'll have him out-Sir Peter come
forth- SURFACE. No-No- CHARLES SURFACE. I say Sir Peter-come into Court.-[pulls bl Sir
Peter] What-myoid Guardian-what turn inquisitor and· tike evidence incog.
SIR PETER. Give me your hand-Cbarles-I believe I have ~uspected you 320 wrongfully-but you mustn't be angry with Joseph-'twas my Plan
CHARLES SURFACE. Indeed! SIR PETER. But I acquit you.-I promise you I don't think near so ill of
you as I did-what I havc heard has given me great satisfaction CHARLES SURFACE. Egad then 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more
wasn't it Joseph? [halJ aside] SIR PETER. Ail! you would have retorted on him CHARLES SURF ACE. Aye-aye-that was a Joke SIR PETER. Yes-yes I know his Honor too well CHARLES SURF ACE. But you might as well have suspected him as me in 330
this matter for all that, mightn't He Joseph? [lla!f aside] SIR PETER. Well well I believe you- SURFACE. Would they were both well out of the Rooml [aside]
illlter SERVANT wilo Whispers SURFACE
SIR PETER. And in future perhaps we may not be such Strangers. SURFACE. Lady Sneerwelll-stop her by all means-[e.t'it SERVANT]
Gentlemen-I beg Pardon-I must wa:it on you down stairs-Here is a Person come on particular Business.
280 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
CHARLES SURFACE. \Veil you can see him in another Room, Sir Peter and I haven't met a long time and I have something to say to him.
SURFACE. They must not be left'together.-I'll contrive to send Lady 340 Sneerwell away, and return directly. [aside to Mm] Sir Peter not a Word of the French milliner. [Exit SURF A CE]
SIR PETER. 0 not for the world! Ah-Olarles if you associated more with your Brother, one might indeed hope for you~ reformation-He is a man of Sentiment-well! there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment I
CHARLES SURFACE. Pshaw-He is too moral by half-and so apprehen sive of his good Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest into his House as a Girl-
SIR PETER. No-no-come come-you wrong him-no-no Joseph is 350 no Rake but He is not such a Saint in that Respect either-I have a great mind to tell him-we should have a Laugh-[aside]
CHARLES SURFACE. Oh hang him! He's a very Anchorite-a young Hermit-
SIR PETER. Hearkee-you must not abuse him-He may chance to hear of it again I promise you-
CHARLES SURFACE. Why you won't tell him- SIR PETER. No-but-this way-egad! I'll tell him l-hearkee ! have
you a mind to have a good Laugh at Joseph? CHARLES SURFACE. I should like it of all things- 360 SIR PETER. Then efaith we will-I'll be quit with him for discovering
me-[aside] He had a Girl with him when I call'd-[Whispel'ing] CHARLES SURFACE. What-Joseph I you jest- SIR PETER. Hushl-a little-French Millener_[whispers] and the best
of the Jest is-she's in the Room now CHARLES SURFACE. The Devil she is SIR PETER. Hush-I tell you-[poitlts] CHARLES SURFACE. B_t!hind the Screen-'slife let us unveil her SIR PETER. No-no! He's coming-you shan't indeed- CHARLES SURFACE. 0 egad! we'll have a peep at the little Millener- 370 SIR PETER. Not for tlle \'IorId-Joseph-will never forgive me- CHARLES SURFACE. I'll Stand by you- SIR PETER. [Strug[g]ling with CHARLES] Oods! here he is ...
[Surfice e1Iters just itS CHARLES throws down the Screen.]
CHARLES SURFACE. Lady Teazle! by ail that's wonderfull! SIR PETER. Lady Teazle I by all that's Horriblef CHARLES SURFACE. Sir Peter-This is Qne of the smartest French
MiIliners I ever saw!-egad you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at Hyde and Seek--and I don't See who is out of the SecretI-Shall I beg your Ladyship-to inform mel-not a word!
AL
Jt?er Room, Sir Peter ~lllng. to say to him._ 'JoS~npve to send Lady 340
Ir eter not a Word
you associated more lr reformation_He is . e world so noble as a
.If-and so apprehen_ Ise He would as SOon
l-11<:-hno Joseph is 350 lect elt er-I have a -[aside] linchorite-a young
may chance to hear
ml-hearkee! have
360 tim for discovering -[WMspering]
opers] and the best
unveil her 1 little MiIlener- 370 rgive me-
cis ...
~ Screen.]
'fulI!
lmartest French been diverting
vho is out of the ~'-not a word!
ACT IV, SCENE III 281
Brother !-will you please to explain this matter ?-what-Morality 380 Dumb too ?-Sir Peter-tho' I found-you in the Dark-perhaps you are not so now-all mute- !-well tho' I can make nothing of the Affair I Suppose you perfectly understand one another-so I'll leave you to yourselves-[going] Brother I'm Sorry to find you have given that worthy man so much uneasiness !-Sir Peter-there's nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!- [E~'it CHARLES •
(Stand for some time lookit/g lit elicit other]
SURFACE. Sir Peter-notwithstanding I confess that appearances are against me-Ifyou will afford me your Patience I make no doubt but I shall explain everything to your Satisfaction.
SIR PETER. If you please- 390 SURFACE, The Fact is Sir-that Lady Teazle, knowing my Pretensions
to your ward Maria-I say Sir Lady Teazle-being apprehensive of the Jealousy ofyour Temper-and knowing my Friendship to the Family She Sir I say can'd here-in order that I might explain those Preten sions-but on your coming-being apprehensi\'e-as I said of your Jealousy-she withdrew-and this you may depend on't is the whole Truth of the Matter.
SIR PETER. A very clear account upon my word and I dare swear the Lady will Vouch for every article of it-
LADY TEAZLE, [ComingforwardJ For not one word of it Sir Peter. 400 'SIR PETER. How! don't you even think it worth while to agree in the
lie- LADY TEAZLE. There is not one syllable of Truth irrwhat that Gentle
man has told you- SIR PETER. I believe you upon my Soul Ma'am SURFACE. 'Sdeath madam will you betray me-[aside] LADY TEAZLE. Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for
myself- SIR PETER. Aye-let her alone Sir-you'll find she'll make out a better
story than you without Prompting. 410 LADY TEAZLE. Hear me Sir Peter-I came hither-on no matter
relating to your Ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's Preten sions to her-but I came seduced by his insidious arguments, at least to listen to his pretended Passion, if not to sacrifice your Honour to his Baseness-
SIR PETER, Now I believe the Truth is coming indeed"':'" SURFACE. The Woman's mad- LADY TEAZLE. No Sir-she has recover'd her Senses, and your own
Arts have furnish'd her with the means. Sir Peter-I do not Expect you to credit me-but the Tenderness you express'd for me when I am sure 420 you could not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated to my Heart
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
and had I left the Place without the Shame of this discovery-my future Life should have Spoke the sincerity of my Gratitude.-as for that smooth tongue Hypocrite-who would have seduced the wife of his too credulous Friend while he affected honourable addresses to his ward-I behold him now in a light so truly despicable-that I shall never again respect myself for having listen'd to him- [Exit.
SURFACE. Notwithstanding all this Sir Peter-Heav'n knows- SIR PETER. That you are a Villain!-and so I leave you to your
Conscience- 43 SURFACE. You are too Rash Sir Peter-you shall hear me! the Man who
shuts out Conviction by refusing to- SIR PETER. Oh! [Exeunt, SURFACEfollowing and Speaking.
END OF ACT 4TH
Act 5th
Scene Ist. The Library
Enter SURFACE and SER VANT. SURFACE. Mr. Stanley! why should you think I would see him? you
must know he comes to ask something! SERVANT. Sir-I should not have let him in but that Mr. Rowley came
to the Door with him. SURFACE. Pshaw!-Blockhead to Suppose that I should now be in a
Temper to receive visits from poor Relationsl-well why don't you shew the Fellow up-?
SERVANT. I will-Sir-why Sir-it was not my Fault that Sir Peter discover'd my Lady-
SURFACE. Go-Fool-! [Exit SERVANT] Sure Fortune never play'd a 10 man of my Policy-such a Trick-before-my character with Sir Peterl my Hopes with Maria!-destroy'd in a moment!-I'm in a rare Humour to listen to other People's Distresses!-I shan't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley.-So! here-He comes and Rowley with him-I must try to recover myself-and put a little Charity into my Face however.- [Exit.
Entsr SIR OLIVER and ROWLEY. SIR OLIVER. Whatl does He avoid us?-that was He-was it not? ROWLEY. It was Sir-but I doubt you are come a little too abruptly
his Nerves are so weak, that the sight of a poor Relation may be too much for him-I should have gone first-to break you to him. 20
AL
discovery_my fiut , • ure ratltude._as for that :luced the wife of his ab.le addresses to his i~lCable-that I shall nlm_ [E', .tlt, V n knows_ leave you to your
I 430 l! me. the Man who
~lIJing and Speaking.
Ild see him? you
\(fr. Rowley came
lId now be in a I why don't you
t that Sir 'Peter
never play'd a IO racter with Sir I-I'm in arare an't be able to ere-He comes md put a little
[E.rit.
'as it not? :00 abruptly lfi may be too '0 him. 20
ACT V, SCENE I 283
SIR OLIVER. A Plague of his Nerves-yet this is He whom Sir Peter , extoils as a Man of the most Benevolent way of thinkingl ROWLEY. As to his way of thinking~I can't pretend to decide for to do
him justice He appears to have as much speculative Benevolence as any private Gentleman in the Kingdom~tho' He is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the Exercise of it.
SIR OLIVER. Yet has a string of charitable Sentiments I suppose at his Fingers' ends!
ROWLEY. Or rather at his Tongue's end Sir Oliver-for I believe there is no sentiment He has more faith in than that 'Charity begins at Home'. 30
sm OLIVER. And his I presume is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all.
ROWLEY. I doubt you'll find it so-but He's coming-I mustn't seem to interrupt you-and you know immediately-as you leave him-I come in to announce-your arrival in your real Character.
SIR OLIVER. True-and afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's. ROWLEY. Without losing a Moment.- [Exit ROWLEY. SIR OLIVER. So-I don't like the Complaisance of his Features.
Re-Enter SURFACE. SURFACE. Sir-I beg you ten thousand Pardons-for keeping-you a
moment waiting-Mr. Stanley-I presume- 40 SIR OLIVER. At your Service- SURFACE. Sir-I beg you will do me the honor to sit down-I entreat
you Sir- SIR OLIVER. Dear Sir there's no occasion.-too civil by half!-[aside] SURFACE. I have not the Pleasure ofknowing you Mr. Stanley-but I am
extremely happy to see you look so well-you were nearly related to my Mother-I think Mr. Stanley.
SIR OLIVER. I was Sir-so nearly that my present Poverty I fear may do discredit to her Wealthy Children-else I should not have presumed to trouble you.- 50
SURFACE. Dear Sir-there needs no Apology-He that is in Distress tho' a stranger has a right to claim kindred with the Wealthy.-I am sure I wish I was of that Class, and had it in my Power to offer you even a small relief.
SIR OLIVER. Ifyour Unkle Sir Oliver were here-I should have a Friend. SURFACE. I wish He were Sir with all my Heart-you should not want
an advocate with him believe me Sir- SIR OLIVER. I should not need one-my Distresses would recommend
me.-but I imagined-his Bounty had enabled you to become the agent of his Charity. 60
SURFACE. My dear Sir-you were strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is a worthy man-a very worthy sort of Man-but-avarice Mr. Stanley
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
is the vice of age-I will tell you my good Sir-in confidence j,-wlut he has done for me has been a mere-nothing, tho' People I know have thought-otherwise and for my Part I never chose to contradict the Report.
SIR OLIVER. What I-has He never-transmitted,-you-Bllllionl Rupees I-Pagodas 11
SURFACE. 0 Dear Sir-Nothing of the kind-no-no-a few-Presents -now and then-China-shawls-Congot Tca--Avadavats3-and 70 Indian Crackers-little more, believe me-
SIR OLIVER. Here's,Gratitude for twelvethollsand POllndsl·--avadavats and Indian Crackers I
SURFACE. Then my dear Sir-you have heard I llollbt not of the extrava gance of my Brother.-Thcre ure very fcw would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young man!
SIR OLIVER. Not I for one! [aside] SURFACE. The Sums I have lent-himl-indeed-I havc been excced
ingly to blumc-it was un amiable WCUkllCSsl·-howevcl'-I don't pretend to defend it-and now I feci it (\ouhly ellipahle,-since it has 80 deprived me of the Power of serving 'yO/I Mr. Stanley as my Heart directs-
SIR OLIVER. Dissemhlerl-Then Sir-you cannot :lilSist me? SURF ACE. At Present it grieves mc t() say I cannot, but whenever I have
the ability you may depend upon hcaring fi'om me. SIR OLIVER. I am extremely sorry. SURFACE. Not more than I am believe me-to pity without the Power to
relieve is still more painful than to ask and he denied- SIR OLIVER, Kind Sir-your most obedient humble Scrvant. SURFACE, You leave me deeply affected Mr. Stanley--William--be 90
ready to open the dool' SIR OLIVER. 0 Dear Sir-no ceremony- SURFACE, Your very obedient- SIR OLIVER. Sir your most obseqlleous' SURFACE. You mny depend upon hearing from me-when evc!' r can be
of service- SIR OLIVER. Sweet Sir-you are too good- SURFACE. In the mean time-I wish you Health and Spirits- SIR OLIVER. Your ever grateful-and perpetual humble Servant. SURFACE. Sir-yours as sincerely- 100 SIR OLIVER. Now I am satisfied 1- [11:\·;t. SURFACE. [So/us] This is one bad effect of a good Character, it invites
I Zelida, in Kelly's The ROlllaMC ofall !Jollr (1774), p. 5, is 'ballasted with ~lIpecs and pagodns': Indian coins. '.Chinese.
3 Small red and black singing birds from India. Sherillan gave some to his first wife and wrote a mock elegy on the denth of one of them: see Sichel, it 98.
l confidence!-what_ 0' People I know have lose to contradict the
:ed-you-Bullionl_
·no-a feW-Presents ~a-Avadavats3-and 70
ounds !-avadavats_
bt not of the extrava_ i credit what I have
[ have been exceed -however-I don't :lpable-since it has 80 tanley as my Heart
ssist me? 'ut whenever I have
ithout the Power to ed- Servant. [lley-William-be 90
vhen ever I can be
Spirits lIe Servant.
roo [Exit.
laracter, it invites
lallasted with rupees • Chinese.
ve some to his /irst el, ii. 98.
ACT V, SCENE II 285
applications from the unfortunate and there needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of Benevolence without incurring the expence.-The silver ore of pure Charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man's good Q!talities-whereas the sentimental French Plate I use instead of it, makes just as good a shew-and pays no tax.-
Ellter ROWLEY. ROWLEY. Mr. Surface-your Servant-I was apprehensive of inter
rupting you-tho'-my Business demands immediate attention-as this Note will inform you- 110
SURFACE. Always Happy to see Mr. Rowley-[reads] how!-'Oliver Surface!'-my Unkle arrived!
ROWLEY. He is indeed-we have just parted-quite well-after a speedy voyage-and impatient to embrace-his worthy Nephew-
SURFACE. I am astonish'd !-William-stopMr. Stanley ifHe's not gone ROWLEY. O-He's out of reach-I believe. SURFACE. Why didn't you let me know this when you came in together-? ROWLEY. I thought you Ilad particular-Business-but I must be gone
to inform your Brother-and appoint him here to meet his Uncle-He will be with you in a quarter of an hour- 120
SURFACE. SO He says-well-I am Strangely overjoy'd at his coming- never to be ,sure was any thing so damn'd unluckyl [aside]
ROWLEY. You will be delighted to see how well He looks. SURFACE. O-I'm rejoiced to hear it-just at this time! [aside] ROWLEY. I'll tel! him how impatiently-you expect him-[Exit ROWLEY. SURFACE. Do-do-pray-give my best duty and affection-indeed I
cannot--express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him! certainly-his coming just as this Time is the cruellest Piece of ill Fortune-! [Exit.
Scene 2.1. at SIR PETER'S Ellter MRS. CANDOUR-and MAID.
MA1D. Indeed Ma'am my Lady will see nobody at Present. MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour MAID. Yes Ma'am, but she begs you will excuse her- MRS. CANDOUR. Do go again-I shall be glad to see herifit be only for
a moment-for I am sure she must be in great Distress [Exit MAID. -Dear Heart-how provoking!-I'm not mistress of half the circum stances I-we shall have the whole affair in the news Papers with the Names of the Parties at Length before I have dropt the story at a dozen houses. Enter SIR BENJAMIN. o Dear Sir Benjamin you have heard I suppose ro
SIR BENJAMIN. OfI.ady Teazle and Mr. Surface
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter's Discovery- SIR BENJAMIN. 0 the strangest Piece of Business to be sure- MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surpris'd in my life I-I am so
sorry for all Parties, indeed I am. SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don't Pity Sir Peter at all-He was so extrava
gantly partial to Mr. Surf.'lce- MRS. CANDOUR. Mr. Surface-why 'twas with Charles Lady Teazle
was-detected SIR BENJAMIN. No such thing-Mr. Surface is the gallant- 20 MRS. CANDOUR. No-no-Charles-is the man-'twas Mr. Surf.'lce
brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them SIR BENJAMIN. I tell you I have it from one MRS. CANDOUR. And I have it from one SIR BENJAMIN. Who had it from one who had it- MRS. CANDOUR. From one immediately-but here's Lady Sneerwell
perhaps she knows the whole affair-
Ellter LADY SNEERWELL. LADY SNEER WELL. So-my dear Mrs. Candour Here's a sad affair of
our Friend Lady Teazle- MRS. CANDOUR. Aye!-my Dear Friend who could have thought it. 30 LADY SNEER WELL. Well there is no trusting appearances. Tho'-indeed
she was always too lively for me- MRS•. CANDOUR. To be sure her manners were a little too-free-but
she was very young- LADY SNEERWELL. And had indeed some good Qpalities- MRS. CANDOUR. SO she had Indeed-but have you heard the Particulars? LADY SNEER WELL. No-but every body says that Mr. Surface- SIR BENJAMIN. Aye there I told-you Mr. Surface was the Man. MRS. CANDOUR. No-no-indeed-the assignation was with Charles. LADY SNEERWELL. With Charles!-you alarm me Mrs. Candour. 40 MRS. CANDOUR. Yes-yes-He was the Lover-Mr. Surface-do him
justice-was only the Informer- SIR BENJAMIN. Well I'll not-dispute with YOll Mrs. Candour-but be
it which it may-I hope that Sir peter's wound will not- MRS. CANDOUR. Sir Peter's wound 1-0 Mercy! I didn't hear a Word of
their Fighting- LADY SNEER WELL. Nor I a syllable! SIR BENJAMIN. No-what no mention of the Duel MRS. CANDOUR. Not a word- SIR BENJAMIN. 0 Lord-yes-yes-they fought before they left the 50
Room. LAD Y SNEERWELL. Pray let us hear. MRS. CANDOUR. Aye do oblige-us with the Duel.
288 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
against a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the chimney piece-grazed out ofthe window at a right angle-and wounded the Postman, who was just coming to the Door with a double letter from Northamptonshire-
SIR BENJAMIN. My Unkle's account is more circumstantial I must confess-but I believe mine is the true one for all that.
LADY SNEER WELL lam more interested in this Affair than they imagine -and must have better information. [Exit LADY SNEERWELL,
SIR BENJAMIN. [after a pause looking at each other] Ah! Lady-Sneer well's alarm is very easily accounted for-
CRABTREE. Yes, yes, they certainly do say-but that's neither here nor 100 there.
MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present- CRABTREE. Ohl they-brought-him home and He is now in the House
tho' the Servants are order'd to deny it- MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so-and Lady Teazle I suppose-attending
him- CRABTREE. Yes yes-I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me SIR BENJAMIN. Hey-who comes here- CRABTREE. 0 this is He-the Physician depend on't MRS. CANDOUR. 0 certainly, it must be the Physician and now we shall llO
know- E'lter SIR OLIVER.
CRAB TREE. Well Doctor-what Hopes? MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient? SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword? CRABTREE. A Bullet lodg'd·in the Thorax-for a hundred! SIR OLIVER. Doctorl-a wound with-a small sword! and a Bullet in
the Thorax! oons are you mad good People? SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps Sir you are not a Doctor. SIR OLIVER. Truly I am to thank you for my Degree If I am. CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume; but Sir you 120
must have heard of this Accident SrR OLIVER. Not a Word! CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously Wounded? SIR OLIVER. The Devil he isJ SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body CRABTREE. Shot in the Breast- SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface CRABTREE. Aye the younger. SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the Plague! you seem to differ Strangely in your
Accounts-however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded- I30 SIR BENJAMIN. Dh, yes, we agree there- CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt of that. SIR OLIVER. Then upon my Word, for a person in that Situation he is
~DAL
ness to be sure- s'd in my lifeI-I am So
t all-He was so extrava
,th Charles Lady Teazle
is the gaUant- 20
lan-'twas Mr. Surface m-
I it- here's Lady Sneerwell_
L.
ur Here's a sad affair of
:ould have thought it. 30 pearances. Tho'-indeed
~ a little too-free-but
( Qi.lalities 'n heard the Particulars ? hat Mr. Surface- face was the Man. :ion '11-118 with Charles. me Mrs. Candour. 40 -Mr. Surface-do him
Mrs. Candour-but be i will not- I didn't hear a Word of
uel-
It before they left the 50
el.
ACT V, SCENE II
SIR In:NJAMIN. Sir--says Sir Pcter-·immediately··afrcr covery-you are a moit ungrateful Fellow. .
MRS. CANIWUR. Aye to Charles-
:87
the Dis-
SIR [H:NJAMIN. Nir-nu--·tu Mr. Surlace~a most ungrateful Fellnw and old as I am Sir sars He I insist on immediate satisfactioll.
MRS. CANDOUR. Ave that must have been to Charles filr 'tis vcrv unlikely Mr. Surface should go to light in his own House. . 00
SIR BENJAMIN. 'Gad's Life Ma'am nut at all··-giving me immediate Satisfaction-on this-Madam-Lad\' Teazle se~in!.( Sir Peter in snch Danger-ran out of the Room in Mrimg Hystcrics":,and Charles after her calling out for Hartshorn and Water! Then Madam-they began to fight with Swords-
Eliler CRAI!TRU;.
CRAI!TREE. With Pistols-Ncphew-I have it from undoubted authority.
MRS. CANDOUR. 0 Mr. Crabtree then it is all truc- CRABTREE. Too true indeed Ma'am and Sir Peter's Dangerously
wounded- 70 SIR BENJAMIN. Bya Thrust in Secondel-quite thro' his left side. CRABTREE. By a Bullet lodged in the Thorax- MRS. CANDOUR. Mercy-on me Poor Sir Pcter- CRABTREE. Yes ma'am-tho' Charles would have avoided the matter
if He could. MRS. CANDOUR. I knew Charles was the Person. SIR BENJAMIN. 0 my Unkle I see knows nothing of the matter CRABTREE. But Sir Peter tax'd him with rhe basest ingratitude SIR BENJAMIN. That I told you you know. CRABTREE. Do Nephew let me Speak-and insisted on an immediate- 80 SIR BENJAMIN. Just as I said. CRABTREE. Odds I life! Nephew aUow others to know something too-a
Pair of Pistols lay on the Bureau-for i\Ir. Surface-it seems had come the Night before late from Salt-Hill where He had been to see the Montem' with a friend who has a Son at Eaton-so unluckily the Pistols were left Charged-
SIR DENJAMIN. I heard-nothing of this- CRABTREE. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and They fired-it seems
pretty nearly together-Charles's Shot took PIace as I told you-and Sir Peter's miss'd-but what is very extraordinary the Ball struck 90
I A 'thrust in steotttl!, is one delivered under one's opponent's hl1de, and with the knuckles upwards, the wrist turneu downwards.
• This WllS the procession, on Whit Tuesday, by Elan boys to Salt-hill. On the way they collected money for the senior coll.gers: see John Brand, Po,u!af Antiquities of Grtal BritlJin, ed. W. C. lLIzlitt (1870), i. 240-5.
.L ACT V, SCENE II
limney piece-grazed the most imprudent ;"1an alive-Fnr here he comes Walking as if:he Postman, who was nothing at all were the Matter. Northamptonshire_
rcumstantial I must E'lla SIR PETER. I that. Odd's heart Sir Peter-you are come in good time I promise you, for fair than they imagine we had Just given you Over. LADY SNEERWELL. SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad Uncle this is the most Sudden recoyery! J Ah! Lady-Sneer_ SIR OLIVER. Why f..1an what do you do out orBed with a Small Sword
thro' your Body, and a Bullet lodged in your Thorax! 1.10 at's neither here nor 100 SIR Pl':TER. A Small Sword and a Bullet-
SIR OLIVER. Are these Gentlemen would have kill\! YOll, without Law, ~sent- or Physic-and wanted to dubb me a Doctor-to make me an accomplice. : is now in the House SIR PETER. Why what is all this?
SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice Sir Peter that the Story of the Duel is not suppose-attending true-and are Sincerely Sorry for your other misfortuncs-
SIR PETER. SO So-all over the Town already-(asideJ r just before me- CRABTREE. Tho' Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to Marry
at all, at your years. 't SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours? 150 an aud now we shall no MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' indeed as Sir Peter made so good a Husband He's
very much to be pitied! SIR PETER. Plague on your Pity Ma'am, I desire none of it: SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing
and Jests, you will meet with on this Occasion- a small sword? SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be Master in my own House. mdredl CRABTREE. 'Tis no uncommon case, that's one comfort. rd! and a Bullet in SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony, I insist
on your leaving my House directly! MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't we'll make the 160
best report of you we can~e If I am. SIR PETER. Leave my House,sume; but Sir you 120 CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated. SIR PETER. Leave my House. SIR BENJAMIN. And how Patiently you bear it. SIR PETER. Fiends-Vipers!-Furiesl-Oh that their own Venom
would choak them- (Exctttlf MRS. CANDOUR, SIR BENJAMIN, CRABTREE, etc.
SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking Indeed Sir Peter.
Enter ROWLEY. ,r Strangely in your ROWLEY. I heard high Words-what has ruffled you Sir Peter? erously wounded- 130 SIR PETER. Pshaw what Signifies asking, do I ever pass a Day without 170
my Vexations? : of that. SIR OLIVER. Well I'm not inquisitive-I come only to tell you that I :hat Situation he is have seen both my Nephews in the Manner we proposed
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
SIR PETER. A precious couple they arel ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver is convinced-that your Judgment was
right Sir Peter- SIR OLIVER. Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the Man after a11 ROWLEY. Yes as Sir Peter Says, He's a Man of Sentiment. SIR OLIVER. And Acts up to the Sentiment,> he professes. ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk 180 SIR OLIVER. Oh He's a Model for the young Men of the Agel-but
how's this Sir Peter-you don't Join in your Friend Joseph's Praise as I Expected.
SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damn'd wicked World, and the fewer we praise the better.
ROWLEY. What do you say so, Sir Peter-who were never mistaken in your Life?
SIR PETER. Pshaw-Plague on you both-I see by your sneering you have heard-the whole affair-I shall go mad among you!
ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter-we are indeed acquainted 190 with it a11-1 met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's-so humbled that she deigned to request In/! to be her advocate with you-
SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too? SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance! SIR PETER. What of the-Closet-and the screen-hey SIR OLIVER. Yes yes-and the little-French Millener-O I have-been
vastly diverted with the story-ha I ha! SIR PETER. Twas-very Pleasant-! SIR OLIVER. I never laugh'd more in my Life-I assure you, 200
hal hal SIR PETER. 0 vastly diverting-hal hal ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph-with his Sentiments-hal hal SIR PETER. Yes yes his sentiments-hal hal-a hypocritical Villain! SIR OLIVER. Aye-and that Rogue Charles-to pull Sir Peter out of the
Closet-hal hal SIR PETER. Ha! hal 'twas devilish entertaining to be sure- SIR OLIVER. Hal hal egad Sir Peter I should like to have seen your Face
when the Screen was thrown down, ha I ha I SIR PETER. Yes yes my Face when the screen was thrown down, hal hal 210
o I must never Shew my head again! SIR OLIVER. But come-come it isn't fair to laugh at you neither my
old Friend-tho' upon my soul I can't help it- SIR PETER. 0 pray don't-restrain your-mirth on my account-It does
not hurt-me at all-I laugh at the whole affair myself-yes-yes-I think being a standing Jest for all one's acquaintances-a very happy situation-O yes-and then of a morning to read the Paragraphs
L ACT V. SCENE III
about Mr. S-- Lady T-- and Sir P-- will--be so enter taining!
after all- ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter you may despise the ridicule of 220 ltiment. Fools-but I see Lady Teazle-going towards the next Room-l am Jfesses, sure you must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does-
SIR OLIVER. Perhaps my being here-prevents her coming to you-well
your Judgment was
~ 180 I'll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you.-but he must bringn of the Agel-but you all presently to Mr. Surfacc's-where-I am now returning-ifnotld Joseph's Praise as to reclaim a Libertine-at least to expose Hypocrisy-
SIR PETER. Ah!-I'li be present at your discovering yourself there with(ed World, and tile all my heart.-tho' 'tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries-
ROWLEY. We'll follow- [exit SIR OLIVER. ~e never mistaken in SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see Rowley- 230 ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you perceive.
r your sneering you -see She is in Tears-l mg you I
SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a re indeed acquainted 190 wife-don't you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little.Mr. Surface's-so
ROWLEY. 0 this is ungenerous in you- her advocate with
SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think-you remember Rowley the Letter I found of hers-evidently intended for Charles?
ROWLEY. A mere Forgery Sir Peter-laid in your way on Purpose-this is one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on-
hey SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that-she looks this way- 240
er-O I have-been what a remarkably elegant Tum of the Head she has !-Rowley I'll go to her-
ROWLEY. Certainly. fe-I assure you, 200 SIR PETER. Tho' when-it is known that we are reconciled People will
laugh at me ten times more I ROWLEY. Let-them laugh-and retort their malice only by shewing
-hal hal them you are happy in spite of it. ocritical Villain! SIR PETER. Efaith so I will-and if I'm not mistaken, we may yet be Sir Peter out of the the happiest couple-in the country.
ROWLEY. Nay, Sir Peter-He who once lays aside suspicion- 250 : sure- SIR PETER. Hold my dear Rowley-if you have any Regard for me lave seen your Face never let me hear you utter any thing like-a Sentiment. I have had
enough of them to serve me the rest of my Life. [Exeunt. 'own down, hal hal 210
Scene the Last at you neither my
Tile Library
y account-It does SURFACE and LADY SNEE\l.WEUh yself-yes-yes-l LADY SNEER WELL. Impossible-! will not Sir Peter immediately be :s-a very happy reconciled to Charles? and of consequence no longer oppose his union ,d the Paragraphs with Maria ?-the thought is Distraction to me!
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
SURFACE. Can Passion furnish a Remedy? LADY SNEERWELL. No-nor Cunning either-O I was a Fool! an
Ideot-to league with such a Blunderer! SURF ACE. Sure Lady Sneerwell I am the greatest Sufferer-yet you see
I bear the accident with Calmness. LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disap[p]ointment-doesn't reach your
Heart-your interest only attached you to Maria-had you felt for her IO -what I have for that ungrateful Libertine, neither your Temper nor Hypocrisy could prevent your shewing the sharpness ofyour Vexation.
SURFACE. But why should your Reproaches fall on me for this Disap[p ]ointment?
LADY SNEERWELL. Are not you the cause of it ?-what had you to do to bate in your Pursuit of Maria to pervert Lady Teazle by the way? had you not a sufficient Field for your Roguery in blinding Sir Peter and supplanting your Brother ?-I hate such an avarice of Crimes-'tis an unfair monopoly and never prospers.
SURFACE. Well I admit I have-been to blame-I confess I deviated 20 from the direct Road of wrong but I don't think we're so totally defeated neither.
LADY SNEERWELL. Nol SURF ACEo You tell me you have made a trial of Snake since we met-and
that you Still believe him faithful to us-. LADY SNEERWELL. I do believe so- SURFACE. And that He has undertaken should it be necessary-to swear
and prove that Charles is at this Time contracted by vows and Honor to your Ladyship-which some of his former Letters to you will serve to support.- 30
LADY SNEERWEI:.L. This indeed might have assisted- SURFACE. Come-come it is not too late yet [Knocking]-but Hark I this
is probably my unkle Sir Oliver-retire to that Room-we'l! consult farther when He's gone.
LADY SNEER WELL. Weill-but if He should find you out too- SURFACE. 0 I have no fear of that-Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his
own credit sake-and you may depend on't I shall soon Discover Sir Oliver's weak sidel-
LADY SNEER WELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities-only be constant to one roguery at a time- [Exit. 40
SURFACE. I will-I will-so 'tis confounded-hard after such bad Fortune to be baited by one's confederate in evil.-well at all events my character is so much better than Charles's that I certainly-hey I what I .-this is not Sir Oliver-but old Stanley again!-Plague on't! that He should return to teize me just now-we shall have Sir Oliver come and find him-here-and-
Enter SIR OLIVER.
At
o I was a Fooll an
: Sufferer-yet you see
It-doesn't reach your l-had you felt for her 10 ther your Temper nor ness of your Vexation. fall on me for this
-what had you to do Teazle by the way (_ blinding Sir Peter and ice of Crimes-'tis an
-I confess I deviated 20 link we're so totally
(e since we met-and
: necessary-to swear 'y vows and Honor to s to you will serve to
:d- iltgJ-but Hark r this toom-we'll consult
'ou out too lId his tongue for his I soon Discover Sir
. abilities-only be [Exit. 40
rd after such bad well at all events my rtainly-hey I what I 'lague on't! that He lir Oliver come and
ACT V, SCENE III 293
Gad's life-Mr. Stanley-why have you come back to plague me just at this time ?-you must not stay now upon my word!
SIR OLIVER. Sir-I hear your unkle Oliver is expected here-and tho' He has been so penurious to you I'll try what He'll do for me so
SURFACE. Sir 'tis-impossible for you to stay now-so I must beg- come any other Time, and I promise you you shall be assisted
SIR OLIVER. No-Sir Oliver and I must be acquaintcd- SURF ACE. Zounds Sir then I insist on your quitting the-Room directly SIR OLIVER. Nay Sirl SURFACE. Sir-I insist on't-here William Shew this Gentleman out.
since you compell me Sir-not one moment-this is such insolence [going to push him out.
Enter CHARLES. CHARLES SURFACE. Heydey! what's the matter now?-what the Devil
have you got hold of my little Broker here! Zounds-Brother don't hurt little Premium-what's the matter-my little Fellow? 60
SURFACE. So! He has been with you too has He? CHARLES SURFACE. To be sure He has!-why 'tis as honest a little
but sure Joseph, you have not been borrowing money too, have you? SURFACE. Borrowing-nol-but Brother-you know here we-expect
Sir Oliver every- CHARLES SURFACE. 0 Gad! that's true-Noll mustn't find the little
Broker here to be sure SURFACE. Yet Mr. Stanley insists- CHARLES SURFACE. Stanley-why his name's Premium SURFACE. No-no-Stanley- CHARLES SURFACE. No-no-Premium SURFACE. Well no-matter-which but- CHARLES SURFACE. Aye-aye Stanley or Premium 'tis the same thing
as you say-for I suppose He goes by half a hundred Names-besides A.B.'s at the Coffee-Houses- [knock.
SURFACE. Deatl1-here's Sir Oliver-at the Door.-[knocking again] now I beg-Mr. Stanley-
CHARLES SURFACE. Aye and I beg Mr. Premium SIR OLIVER. Gentlemen- SURFACE. Sir By Heav'n you shall go- 80 CHARLES SURFACE. Aye out with him certainly SIR OLIVER. This Violence- SURFACE. 'Tis your own Fault- CHARLES SURFACE. Out with him to be sure
[Bothforcillg SIR OLIVER out.
Enter SIR PETER, LADY TEAZLE, MARIA, and ROWLEY.
294 THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
SIR PETER. MyoId Friend Sir Oliver!-hey-what in the name of wonderl-Here are dutiful Nephews!-assault their Uncle at the first Visit-
LADY TEAZLE. Indeed Sir Oliver 'twas well we carne in to rescue you-
ROWLEY. Truly it was-for I perceive Sir Oliver the character of Old 90 Stanley was no Protection to you
SIR OLIVER. Nor of Premium-either-the necessities of the former couldn't extort a shilling from that benevolent Gentleman and now egad !-I stood a Chance of faring worse than my Ancestors-and being knock'd down without being bid for.
[aJ[t]er a Pause-JosEPH and CHARLES turning to each other.
SURFACE. Charles-! CHARLES SURFACE. Joseph! SURF ACE. 'Tis now compleat1 CHARLES SURFACE. Very. SIR OLIVER. Sir Peter-my Friend and'Rowley too-look on that elder 100
Nephew of mine-you know what He has already received from my Bounty,-and you know also-how gladly I would have regarded half my Fortune as held in trust for him-judge then my Disap[p ] oint ment in discovering him to be destitute of Truth-Charity-and Gratitude-
SIR PETER. Sir Oliver-I should be more Surprized at this Declaration if I had not myself found him selfish-treacherous and Hypocritical
LADY TEAZLE. And if the gentleman pleads not guilty to these-pray let him call me to his Character-
SIR PETER. Then I believe we need add no more-if He knows himself IIO He will consider it as the most perfect Punishment that He is known by the world-
CHARLES SURFACE. [aside] If they talk this way to Honesty-what will they say to me by and bye!
SIR OLIVER. As for that Prodigal-his Brother there- CHARLES SURFACE. [aside] Aye now comes my Turn-the damn'd
Family Pictures will ruin me- SURFACE. S~ Oliveri Unkle!-will you honor-me with a hearing? CHARLES SURFACE. [aside] Now if Joseph would make one of his long
Speeches I might recollect myself a little- 120 SIR OLIVER. I suppose you would undertake to justify yourself entirely. SURFACE. I trust I could. SIR OLIVER. Pshaw I-well Sir! and you [to CHARLES] could justify
yourself too I suppose- CHARLES SURF ACE. Not that I know of Sir Oliver.
ACT V, SCENE III 29S
SIR. OLIVER. What litde Premium-has been let too much into the secret I presume.
CHARLES SURFACE. True-Sir-but they were Family Secrets and should never be mention'd again you know.
ROWLEY. Come Sir Oliver I know you cannot Speak ofCharIes's Follies 130 o . with anger.
SIR. OLIVER. Odds heart no more I can-nor with Gravity either. Sir Peter, do you know the Rogue bargain'd with me for all his Ancestors sold me Judges and Generals by the Foot and Maiden Aunts as Cheap as i:lroken China I
CHARLES SURFACE. To be Sure Sir Oliver I did make a little free with the Family Canvass that's the Truth on't-my Ancestors may certainly rise in Evidence against me there's no denying .it-but believe me sincere when I tell you, and upon my soul I would not Say it if I was not-that in do not appear mortified-at the exposure of my Follies 140 it is because I feel at this moment the warmest satisfaction-in seeing
. you-my liberal Benefactor. SIR OLIVER. Charles-I believe you-give me your hand again. The
ill-looking little Fellow over thc Settee has made your Peace, Sirrahl CHARLES SURFACE. Then Sir-my Gratitude to the original is still
encreased. LADY TEAZLE. [pointing to MARIA] Yet I believe Sir Oliver, here is one
whom Charles is still more anxious to be reconciled to. SIR OLIVER. 0 I have heard of his Attachment there-and with the
young Lady's Pardon if I construe right that Blush 150 SIR PETER.. Well-Child-speak your sentiments- MARIA. Sir-I have little to say-but that I shall rejoice to hear that He
is happy-for me-whateverc1aim I had to his Affection-I willingly resign it to one who has a better Title.
CHARLES SURFACE. How Maria! SIR PETER. Heydey-what's the mystery now?-while He appear'd an
incorrigible Rake you would give your hand to no one else and now that He's likely to reform I warrant you won't have him 1-,
MARl A. His own Heart-and Lady Sneerwell know the Cause. CHARLES SURFACE. Lady Sncerwell 160 SURFACE. Brother, it-is with great concern-I am obliged to speak on
this Point but my Regard to Justice compeils me.-and Litdy Sneer well's-Injuries can no longer-be concealed [goes to tile Door.
Enter LADY SNEERWELL.
SIR PETER. Soh! another French milliner egad I-He has one in every Room in the House I suppose-
LADY SNEBRWELL. Ungrateful Charles!-well may you be surprised
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
and feel for the indelicate situation which your Perfidy has forced me into.
CHARLES SURFACE. Pray Unkle is this another Plot of yours? for as I have Life I don't understand it. 170
SURFACE. I believe Sir there is but the evidence of one Person more necessary to make it extremely Clear.
SIR PETER. And that Person-I imagine is Mr. Snake-Rowley you were perfectly-right to bring him with us-and pray let him appear.
ROWLEY. Walk in Mr. Snake-
Ellter SN AKE. I thought his Testimony might be wanted-however it happens unluckily that he comes to Confront Lady Sneerwell and not to support her.
LADY SNEER WELL. Villain I-treacherous to me at lastl-[asideJ speak 180 Fellow have you too conspired against me?
SNAKE. I beg your Ladyship-ten thousand Pardons, you paid me extremely Liberally for the Lie in question-but I have unfortunately been offer'd double to speak the Truth. I
SIR PETER. Plot and Counterplot Egad-I wish your Ladyship Joy of the Success of your Negotiation.
LADY SNEERWELL. The Torments of Shame and Disap[pJointment on you alI/
LADY TEAZLE. Hold-Lady Sneerwell-before you go let me thank you for the trouble you and that Gentleman have taken in writing Letters 190 to me from Charles and answering them yourself-and let me also request you to make my-Respects to the Scandalous College-of which you are President-and inform them-that Lady Teazle Licentiate-begs leave to return the Diploma they granted her-as she leaves off Practice and kills Characters no longer.
LADY SNEERWELL. You too Madam-provoking-insolentl-may your Husband live these fifty years! [Exit.
SIR PETER. Oons what a Fury- LADY TEAZLE. What a malicious creature it is! SIR PETER. Hey-not for her last wish-? 200 LADY TEAZLE. 0 No- SIR OLIVER. Well, Sir, and what have you to say now? SURFACE. Sir, I am so confounded to find that Lady Sneerwell could be
guilty of suborning Mr. Snake in this manner to impose on us all that
! Gf. T. Smollett, The Ailventures ojSir Launcelot Greaves (1762), Ch. 24: 'Perhaps his fidelity to his employer, reinforced by the hope of many future jobs of that kind, might have been proof against the offer of fifty pounds; but double that sum was a temptation he could not resist.'
OAt
r Perfidy has forced me
Plot of yours? for as I
170 ce of one Person more
Mr. Snake-Rowley_ us-and pray let him
-however it happens Sneerwell and not to
at last 1-[aside] speak 180
lardons, you paid me lt I have unfortunately
your Ladyship Joy of
d Disap[pJointment on ,
ou go let me thank you •ken in writing Letters 190 rself-and let me also candalous College-of a-that Lady Teazle ey granted her--as she r. -insolent I-may your
[Exit.
200
now? .dy Sneerwell could be , impose on us all that
s (I762), Ch. 24: 'Perhaps , future jobs of th~t kind, It double that sum was a
ACT V, SCENE III 297
I know not what to say-however lest her Revengeful Spirit should prompt her to injure my Brother I had certainly better follow her directly- [Exit.
SIR PETER. Moral to the last drop! SIR OLI1/ER. Aye and marry her Joseph if you can-Oil and Vinegar
egad I-you'll do very well together.- 210 ROWLEY. I believe we have no more occasion for Mr. Snake at Present SNAKE. Before 1 go-I beg-Pardon once for all, for whatever uneasiness
I have been the humble Instrument of causing to the Parties present. SIR PETER. Well-well you have made Atonement by a good Deed at
last- SNAKE. But I must Request of the Company that it shall never be
known- SIR PETER. Hey!-what the Plague-are you ashamed of having done a
right thing once in your life? SNAKE. Ahl Sir-consider I live by the Badness of my Characterl-I no
have nothing but my Infamy to depend on! and if it were once known that I had been betray'd into an honest Action I should lose every Friend I have in the world.
SIR OLIVER. Well-well we'll not traduce you by saying anything in your Praise never fear. [Exit SNAKE.
SIR PETER. There's a precious Rogue-yet that Fellow is a Writer and a Critic!
LADY TEAZLE. See Sir Oliver there needs no Persuasion now to recon cile your Nephew and Maria- [CHARLES and MARIA apart.
SIR OLIVER. Aye-aye that's as it should-be and egad we'll have the :!JO wedding tomorrow-morning.
CHARLES SURFACE. Thank you my dear Unkle. SIR PETER. Whatl you rogue don't you ask the Girl's Consent first? CHARLES SURFACE. O' I have done that a long time-above a minute
ago-and She has look'd yes- MARIA. For Shame-Charles-I protest Sir Peter there has not been a
word- SIR OLIVER. Well then the fewer the Better-may your love for each
other never know-abatement SIR PETER. And may you live as happily together as Lady Teazle and 240
I-intend to do. CHARLES SURFACE. Rowley myoid Friend-I am sure you congratulate
me and I suspect that lowe you much. SIR OLIVER. You do indeed Charles. ROWLEY. Ifmy Efforts to serve you had not succeeded you would have
been in my Debt for the attempt-but deserve to be happy-and you overpay me-
SIR PETER. Aye honest Rowley always said you would Reform.
- 298 THE SCHOOl. FOR SCANDAL
CHARLES SURFACE. Why as to Reforming Sir Peter I'll make no Promises-and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it- 250 But Here shall be my monitor-my gentle Guide1-ah' can I leave the Virtuous path those Eyes illumine?
Tho'-thou, dear Maid; should'st wa(i]ve thy Beauty's Sway, -Thou Still must Rule-because I will obey; An humbled Fugitive from Folly View, No Sanctuary near-but Love and-you;
[to the Audience You can indeed each Anxious Fear remove, For even Scandal dies if you approve.
-finis.
I a. Faulkland's 'my future guide and monittcss' in The Rivals, v. i: p. 66 above.
.L
- Peter I'll make no :end to set about it- 250 -ahl can I leave the
Beauty's Sway,
[to the Audience
~/s, v. i: p. 66 above.
EPILOGUE
Written by C. Coleman, Eqr. I
Spoken by Mrs. Abington in the Character of Lady Teazle
I who was late so volatile and gay, Like a Trade-wind must now blow all one way, Bend all my Cares, my Studies, and my vows, To one old rusty weather-cock my spouse; So wills our virtuous Bard I-the Motley Bayes' Of crying Epiloguesl and laughing Plays.
Old Bachelors, who marry smart young Wives, Learn from our Play to regulate your lives I Each bring his Dear to Town-all Faults upon her- London will prove the very Source of Honour; 10 Plung'd fairly in like a cold Bath, it serves, When Principles relax-to brace the Nerves. Such is my Case-and yet I might deplore That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er; And say, ye fair, was ever lively Wife, Born with a genius for the highest Life Like me, untimely blasted in her bloom, Like me condemn'd to such a dismal doom? Save money-when I just knew how to waste itl Leave London-just as I began to taste it! 20 Must I then watch the early-crowing Cock? The melancholy Ticking of a Clock? In the lone rustic hall for ever pounded, With Dogs, Cats, Rats, and squalling Brats surrounded? . With humble curates can I now retire (While good Sir Peter boozes with the Squire) And at Back-gammon mortify my Soul,
I George Colman the elder (1732-94), manager of the Haymarket Theatre and author of The JealollS Wife (176r) and, with Garrick, of The Clandestille Marriage (r766).
1 Cf. p. 336, n. 2, below. 3 Colman is laughing at Shcridan's cpilogue to George Ayscough's tragedy, Semiramis
(m6).
JOo THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
That pants for Lu,l or flutters at a Vole?z Seven's the Main!3-dear sound I-that must expire, Lost at hot-cockles4 round a Christmas Fire! 30 The Transient Hour of Fashion too soon spent, 'Farewell the tranquil mind, farewell Content! Farewell the plum'd Head-the cushion'd Tete, That takes the Cushion from its proper seat!s The spirit stirring Drum!-Card Drums6 I mean Spadille,7 odd Trick, Pam,s Basto,9 King and Qpeen! And you, ye knockers, that with Brazen Throat The welcome Visitor's Approach denote, Farewell I-all Qyality of high Renown, Pride, Pomp, and Circumstance of glorious Town I 40 Farewell! your revels I partake no more, And Lady Teazle's occupation's o'er!'tO -All this I told our Bard-he smil'd and said 'twas clear I ought to play deep Tragedy next year: Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play, And in these solemn Periods stalk'd away. 'Blest were the Fair, like you her Faults who stopt, And clos'd her Follies when the Curtain dropt! No more in vice or error to engage, Or play the Fool at large on Life's great Stage.' 50
I Loo was a fashionable card game, played with three or five cards. In 1775 Lady Spencer recommended her daughter to satisfy herself with whist or backgammon, and not to indulge in the more expensive forms of gaming, 'quinze, lou, brag, faro' (Georgiana (ed. The Earl of Bessbororough), 1955, p. 24).
2 Winning all the tricks in a deal. 3 The main was the number (five to nine) called by the easter in hazard, before the
dice were thrown. 'If seven is thrown for a Main, and four the Chance, it is two to one against the Person who throws' (Hoyle's Games Improv'd, rev. Thomas Jones (1778), p. :no) .
• One of the innocent amusements enjoyed by the family in Goldsmith's The Vicar of Wakefield (Collected Works, ed. A. Friedman (Oxford, 1966), iv. 60): a blindfold,ed player guessed who had hit him in the back. ' cr. p. 167,11.35-38.
~ Card parties at private houses. 7 The Ace of Spades in ombre and quadrille. S The Knave of Qubs in 100. 9 The Ace of Qubs.
10 The eleven lines, ending here, form a parody of Othello, III, iii: Farewell the tranquil mind; farewell content I Farewell the plumed troop and the big wars.