Sociological Autobiography
SOC&101
Green River College
Winter 2019
Minjung Kim
I have bled many times in my life. Sometimes I bled from accidents just like others, but many times, the bleeding was intended. For several years, I hurt myself intentionally. I was suicidal on some occasions. I cannot remember when I first started self-harming because living a life distressed me since I was very young. I was born in South Korea, and I grew up there until I was 13 years old. Even though I was Korean myself and spent my childhood there, I did not like living in Korea. When I think about Korea, the first thing that pops up in my head is an anguished memory of me getting bullied.
My experience of getting bullied started when I was in 2nd grade in Elementary school. There was only one sole reason why the students bullied me: I was fat. To make this clear, I was not fat, but I was a little bit chubbier than others. However, the standard of beauty is extremely high in Korea, and I did not belong to the standard of desirable body shape. Therefore, nobody wanted me to be with them, and they either bullied me or avoided me. Having a fat body was a mark of disgrace for me. I was stigmatized in a way because of my “obesity”; people perceived me as devalued and discounted (Connor, 2014). The social institution, the school, which is supposed to help the students to get an education and to socialize, did not help me out of this disaster, but instead, the teachers neglected the fact and pretended they did not know. The intensity of bullying varied. They started out as calling my name incorrectly because they said calling my name would defile their tongues. They did not want to have any form of contact or touch with me, and if part of me touched part of them by accident, they would curse and yell at me because they would have a bad day; I became an expert in avoiding physical contact even in a little space. If they were playing games and they had to do a dare, then they would come up to me and punch me or make uncomfortable sexual jokes. They pretended I was not there when I was right in front of them and talking to them, they ripped my textbooks and notes when I went to the bathroom, they made a group chat that most students in the school were added just to send me a bunch of curse words and offending sexual texts, etc. I used to love running, but I do not run anymore because they would make fun of me when I run. In fact, I hate running now. I hate to show someone of me running.
Bullying never stopped even I became a middle schooler. What hurt me the most was not all these actions from the ones who I did not even know. It was the fact that friends I trusted the most turned their backs on me. This bullying all started with my ex-best friend who was popular, and those few people who became my friends all left me and joined the others. They hurt me or ignored me just like the other ones after they heard about my reputation. They did not want to have the stigma of being outsider’s friend because it could make them outsiders too. They wanted to fit into the rest of the others who were insiders so they can make certain of their conformity (McLeod 2016).
From this social impact, I struggled with some illnesses. I suffered from insomnia because of the fear inside my mind that they will haunt me down while I am sleeping. They used to make “jokes” of killing me. They also have told me to kill myself a couple of times because I was not supposed to born in the first place. Even though it was just simply a joke to them, I felt like they were giving me a sign to kill myself. I was literally forced to suicide according to their words. They killed me inside, and the rotten me inside developed to be a mental disorder. I struggled with depression for a while. I went to a mental hospital regularly to get therapy and counseling. However, all these efforts did not make my life any better. I sought for the ways to relieve my stress and anxiety, and the method I found was to cut my flesh. It did not make me feel better in the long run, but it made me feel the pain that could help me to forget my internal pain.
Still, self-harm was not a solution to this problem. As I was turning 14, I stepped on the land of the United States. Both my parent and I thought it will be best for me to leave the country. As long as I stay in Korea, I knew that I would have to face this kind of situation again; I would have to live in the same area due to my parents’ job locations, and the rumors would chase me. Because I was in a country where nobody knows me, I worked on impression management very hard. All the peer and group pressures back in my country made me act in conformity to with their principals so that I can “fit in,” because I am really scared to be rejected by the group (McLeod, 2016). I wanted to be a person that satisfies the people. I lost 20 pounds, which made me look skinny enough, and I always put a smile on even though I was sad. I never expressed my thoughts and opinions but always agreed to the others. Because nobody knew me, and because the US had loose beauty standard compared to Korea which made people less judgmental towards one’s out appearance, I was able to fit in the social institutions quickly. People liked me because I was smart, cute, and kind, which matched their criteria of being a desirable person.
As time passed by, I realized I was in the position where it was harder for me to show my true self and show my feelings, because I was one of those nicest girls in the school, and I wanted to stay that way. People I met were unlike the people I met in Korea. Even though I gained weight and was even fatter than the past, they still loved me as a friend. Nevertheless, I was being fake to others of my emotions and opinions because I was hugely worried about my looking glass self. In addition, I found myself getting attached to the others and cannot stand on my own. There was no sense of “I,” as in pride or shame, without its correlative sense of you, or he, or they (Cooley, 1902). I cared too much about my looking glass self, or about what others think of me, so I put aside all my feelings and freedom like I was chained to people. I continued to cut my thighs and arms with a cutter. Even though I was not bullied by the people, there was an emptiness deep inside my heart. Although I had friends, I felt like I had no one who I can trust or talk about my real emotions. As the pain took control over my body, my loneliness and emptiness kept increasing inside of me. It never went away until I got to know about my friend who was sharing common pains.
I have a friend who is cheerful and sprightly. But recently, I saw her wearing short sleeves since the weather was getting hotter, and I saw the scars that I could see on my body. I mostly wear long sleeves to hide the scars, and if I were wearing short sleeves, then I would cover my scars somehow. I had low self-esteem, and exposing my scars meant the same as exposing my dark sides, and my built looking glass self definitely did not allow it. I was surprised that she did not intentionally hide it, and I just had to talk to her about it. She was opened to talk to me about it, and talking to her about my pain gave me a comfort that I never felt before. I could not even talk to my parents about hurting myself, but I was able to talk to her. We shared our pains, and it was consoling that I could find someone who has similar pain as me. Even though it was only her, not a group of people, I felt like I belonged to some kind of group through this conversation. It made me realize how it is like to be in-group.
I was never opened to talk about my inside struggles to anyone, but after the conversation with my friend and getting her support, I would say I am more confident to reveal my true self to the people who I love and care about. I always tried so hard on impression management, conformity, and looking glass self, but now, I can be just me, not fake me. Even though what I went through was tough and not fun at all, I appreciate my experiences. Because of this experience, I know the world a little more, and I learned the way to deal with some social issues. I got to know why norms exist, which is because of conformity, and I realized how stigma can defeat the person and can possibly ruin their lives. However, I also learned that the sense of belonging can console people and help people to find themselves in the right place in this society. I am getting a tattoo soon to cover my scars on my wrist so that I can be reminded what I have been through and what I am capable of handling. I am no longer suicidal, and will not be, because I know that some people are willing to listen to me and are supporting me. Now I feel like I am a little more set free from my inner struggles that are hidden inside my mind.
References
Connor, D. P. (2014). Stigma and Stigma Management. In C. J. Forsyth & H. Copes (Eds.), Encyclopedia of Social Deviance (Vol. 2, pp. 691-694). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Reference. Retrieved from http://link.galegroup.com.ezproxy.greenriver.edu/apps/doc/CX6501000290/GVRL?u=au bu98092&sid=GVRL&xid=40a6cb87
Cooley, C. H. (1902). Human Nature and the Social Order (pp. 179-185). New York, NY: Scribner’s.
McLeod, Saul. (2016). What is Conformity? SimplePsychology. Retrieved from https://www.simplypsychology.org/conformity.html