Global Societal Problem, Argument and Solution

Proofed Paper: ntp404866 - Mon Jun 18 1:20:00 EDT 2018

Paper Title: Rough Draft Review for Final Paper

No. of Pages: 6 Pages

Paper Style: APA Paper Type: Research

Taken English? Yes English as Second Language? Yes

Feedback Areas: Topic Development, Focus/Thesis Statement

Paper Goals: Purpose: The primary goal of this weekly assignment is to enable you to

understand the revision process and revise your paper with the help of a writing

specialist.

Proofing Summary:

Hi Jovanka,

I’m Kati, your composition tutor for the Writing Center. I have reviewed your submission and have several suggestions that will help you revise.

Please feel free to contact us through a live chat session with any follow-up questions or for any clarification.

Below, you will find a revision plan along with margin comments within your paper. Use my suggestions as a starting point for the revision

process. Also, please note that I have not edited or proofread the entire draft for minor errors, but rather, focused on overall concerns such as

idea development. For a complete look at your grammar and punctuation, please use the Grammarly software available under “Writing Center”

in your classroom.

You've begun to gather a lot of useful information here, including material from outside sources. This represents a great start, and I urge you to

keep developing these excellent points. Keep up the good work!

For your revisions, I suggest focusing on:

1. Completing your prompt. You have not yet addressed all of the items in the prompt. The prompt is asking that we: (a) discuss the problem,

(b) propose a solution to the problem, (c) evaluate the validity, reliability, and biases of the sources you used in addition to pointing out where

more research is needed, and (d) show ethical implications of your proposed

solution. We want to use headings for each section, as illustrated in the sample paper below.

Please review this sample paper to help you to better understand the expectations of this assignment and to complete all of the necessary

sections: http://tinyurl.com/j7qq7mc

2. Refining your thesis statement. The last sentence of your introduction paragraph should state your thesis. A thesis conveys your position on

a topic and provides focus for your essay—basically, it is what you are hoping to accomplish or prove in this paper. For example: "The future of

medicine and biomedical research should not rely on

animals for testing. Instead, we should use alternative testing methods and work toward making different lifestyle choice. These solutions

create the ethical outcome of ending the suffering of these animals, which will have a positive influence on society and culture."

For further assistance with developing your thesis statement, please visit:

http://writingcenter.bridgepointeducation.com/writing-a-thesis

3. Please develop your paragraphs more. As you revise, I suggest working on your overall paragraph development. A good rule of thumb for

college papers is that paragraphs should be about 7-11 sentences long. Many of your paragraphs are underdeveloped and many of your

points are not thoroughly explained. Here is a rough outline to help you revise your paragraphs, and explain yourself a bit more:

a. Topic sentence that states the topic or point of the paragraph

b. Give a Fact/Detail/Reason/Quote/Statistics that supports your point

c. Explain this fact

d. Give another Fact/Detail/Reason/Quote/Stat to support your topic sentence

e. Explain this fact

f. Closing Sentence

For more help with paragraph development, click here:

http://writingcenter.bridgepointeducation.com/body-paragraphs

Good luck in the course, and I hope we can help you with your next assignment.

Kati - Writing Consultant

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Proofed Paper: ntp404866 - Mon Jun 18 1:20:00 EDT 2018

This presents a good

foundation for a thesis

statement as you begin to

identify what the essay will

address. To further

develop the thesis, try to

ensure the global societal

problem and the proposed

solution(s) are identified.

For help writing a thesis,

click here:

http://writingcenter.bridgepointeducation.com/writing-a-thesis

I noticed in your paper that

you have a lot of great

information and facts, but

you don’t always cite

where you got this great

information from. You

need to cite any

information that is not

common knowledge. To

properly cite, add

quotation marks around

sentences that are

word-for-word from a

source and add an in-text

citation. For example:

“Quote in quotation marks”

(Author’s Last Name, Year,

p. #).

If you are paraphrasing

(saying it in your own

words) or summarizing a

source you need to cite as

well. For example: YOUR

OWN WORDS HERE (Author’s

Last Name, Year).

For more help with citing,

click here:

http://writingcenter.bridgepointeducation.com/citing-within-your- paper

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Proofed Paper: ntp404866 - Mon Jun 18 1:20:00 EDT 2018

Within your essay, try to

focus a bit more on

developing the body

paragraphs. To begin this

process, be sure that

each body paragraph has

a topic sentence that

clearly identifies what the

paragraph will be about.

Also, it is best to avoid

the use of information

from outside sources

within a topic sentence.

Instead, this information

should be used within the

body of a paragraph to

support your points.

For more help with

paragraph development,

click here:

http://writingcenter.bridgepointeducation.com/body-paragraphs

Within the essay, remember

to include a line break

between two body

paragraphs and between a

section title and a paragraph.

Consider developing your

topic sentences so that they

provide more of a transition

between your body

paragraphs. To achieve this,

try to connect the ideas or

actions of the previous body

paragraph to the current one.

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Proofed Paper: ntp404866 - Mon Jun 18 1:20:00 EDT 2018

Within the essay, try to

develop the body

paragraphs further. In

general, all paragraphs

need to have 3 pieces:

P-Point—also known as

your topic sentence

where you state what

the paragraph is about

I-Information—where

you present your

information (facts,

details, quotes, and reasons)

E-Explanation—where

you explain the

relevance or importance

of your information

Please be sure to do all

of this when writing

your paragraphs. For

help with this, click here:

http://writingcenter.bridgepointeducation.com/body-paragraphs

Try to develop the

conclusion further.

Consider these tips

when writing your

conclusion:

-Begin with your

rephrased thesis

statement to remind

your reader of the

point of your paper.

-Summarize the points

you made in your

paper and show how

they support your

argument; tie all the

pieces of your paper together.

-Tell your reader what

the significance of

your argument might be.

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Proofed Paper: ntp404866 - Mon Jun 18 1:20:00 EDT 2018

Please properly

format your References

page.Your references

should have a line

break between them.

Also, be sure that your

sources are cited

properly.

For help formatting

your references page,

click here:

http://writingcenter.bridgepointeducation.com/format- your-reference-list

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