Wk 4 Journal(revised)

Proofed Paper: ntp688724 - Sun Sep 22 11:27:11 EDT 2019

Paper Title:

No. of Pages: 0

Paper Style: APA Paper Type: N/A

Taken English? Yes English as Second Language? No

Feedback Areas: General, N/A

Paper Goals: My paper is about religious conflicts around the world, and how it affects people

today. I spoke about mass shootings that have occurred, and certain religions that

have used violence to target some people's sexual orientations.

Proofing Summary:

Hi Brea,

I’m Siobhan, your writing tutor for the Writing Center. I have reviewed your submission and have several

suggestions that will help you revise. Please feel free to contact us through a 24/7 live writing session

with any follow-up questions or for any clarification.

Below, you will find a revision plan along with margin comments within your paper. Use my suggestions

as a starting point for the revision process. Note that I have not proofread the draft for minor errors, but

rather, focused on larger concerns such as idea development. For a complete look at grammar and

punctuation, please use Grammarly.

You have done a nice job of exploring the scope of the global societal problem that you see with religious

conflict and violence! Keep up this great effort as you continue to develop your final draft!

For your revisions, I suggest focusing on:

1. Thesis Statement: Be sure to construct an argumentative thesis proposing your solution(s) to the

global societal problem. You can consider using this template to build your thesis: (Topic) presents global

societal problems of X, Y, and Z, which needs to be addressed and resolved based on (proposed

solution), leading to the ethical implications of ___.

2. Organization: You can begin the body of your essay by discussing the problems X, Y, and Z from your

thesis, and then transition into the next part of your essay where you discuss your own proposed

solutions in relation to the specific elements of the societal problem.

3. Paragraph Development: Be sure to develop individual body paragraphs to focus on each of your

individual points and topics in your paper. Follow the PIE method (Point, Information, Explanation) to

develop effective topical body paragraphs. In your own words, establish a clear Point in the topic

sentence, provide supportive Information within the middle of the paragraph, and follow that with an

Explanation and analysis of the topical point. You will also want to relate the point of each paragraph

back to your thesis statement. This will help you to promote informative and fluent topic development

throughout your paper. Check out this link for more help with paragraph development:

http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/body-paragraphs

Good luck in the course!

Siobhan

Writing Consultant

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Be sure to directly state your

proposed solutions in your thesis

argument. Here is a basic example of

a thesis statement for this paper:

(Topic) presents global societal

problems of X, Y, and Z, which needs

to be addressed and resolved based

on (proposed solution), leading to the

ethical implications of ___.

Try to ease your reader into your

paper a bit more fluently. For

instance, you mention that religion

has been associated with seizures.

This sounds a bit random, and

may confuse your reader, which

would disrupt the flow of your topic

development. Your introduction

should clearly inform your reader

of the societal problem and provide

a brief overview of your paper's

topic, focus, and purpose.

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Proofed Paper: ntp688724 - Sun Sep 22 11:27:11 EDT 2019

Remember that a

paragraph should never

conclude with source

information because you

should always follow a

research citation with an

explanation of its meaning

and an analysis of its

significance to the point

you are making in the paragraph.

Think about ending each

paragraph with a sentence

that introduces your next

idea. This will allow the

flow from paragraph to

paragraph to read as a

fluid thread of ideas, and

will create a solid structure

and organization within

your paper.

You may want to clarify the meaning of "minor" countries.

In academic papers, it is best to

avoid the inclusion of rhetorical

questions because your readers

may feel the need to answer them,

which could then disrupt the flow of

your discussion. Instead, you will

want to use your research sources

to help you to critically think about

the question(s) you are posing so

that you can convey your

response(s) to the question through

an informative statement or discussion.

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Proofed Paper: ntp688724 - Sun Sep 22 11:27:11 EDT 2019

Consider incorporating more research

support and evidence in your

paragraphs. Including more in-text

citations will help you to promote

informative topic development

because you will need to elaborate on

each citation with an explanation of

the research information and an

analysis of its significance in relation

to the topical point of the paragraph.

You will want to integrate research

into your paper by following the ICE

method (Introduce, Cite, Explain).

Introduce the point, Cite research

evidence, and Explain the meaning

and significance of the information.

Format first level headings in Title Case.

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Proofed Paper: ntp688724 - Sun Sep 22 11:27:11 EDT 2019

Who are these religious leaders?

How do you propose that they work

together to solve the problem with

religious conflict and violence ? Try

to fill in these gaps in your

argument.

You may want to consider

analyzing the societal problem

more deeply so that you can

propose more specific, actionable

solutions. Currently, your solutions

sound a bit idealistic. If the

solution(s) were this easy, then why

aren't religious leaders already

working harmoniously together?

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Proofed Paper: ntp688724 - Sun Sep 22 11:27:11 EDT 2019

As you continue to develop your

essay, be sure to continue

developing your conclusion with a

brief summary of all the main points

you discuss in your paper.

Check out this link to help you develop your concluding paragraph:

http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/introductions-conclusions

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Proofed Paper: ntp688724 - Sun Sep 22 11:27:11 EDT 2019

The title, "References," should be centered on the line of text, and formatted in normal font, instead of bold.

Format the journal title in Title Case.

You can check each of your reference citations with this helpful link:

http://writingcenter.ashford.edu/format-your-reference-list

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