Comparing Systemic Models

JOURNAL OF COUPLE & RELATIONSHIP THERAPY , VOL. , NO. , – http://dx.doi.org/./..

A Journey of Remembering: A Narrative Framework for Older Couples Experiencing Infidelity

Macy E. Williamsona and Andrew S. Brimhallb

aChapel Hill Pediatric Psychology, Chapel Hill, North Carolina, USA; bHuman Development & Family Science, East Carolina University, Greenville, North Carolina, USA

KEYWORDS Couple therapy; narrative therapy; infidelity; older couples; ageism

ABSTRACT The purpose of this article is to discuss the importance of ther- apeutic attention to infidelity in older couples and suggest a theoretical framework for working with this population. A description of ageist discourses that potentially explain and com- plicate the problem of infidelity is presented. A clinical vignette is used to highlight these discourses and provide recommendations clinicians can use to help couples re-story experiences around infidelity.Rationale for the use of narrative therapy is presented through empirical literature on its use with older couples and infi- delity, specifically focusing on dominant discourses connected with each of these experiences. Creating new narratives can help older couples focus on the strength and wisdom that accompa- nies age rather than messages of weakness and frailty.

According to the General Social Survey (conducted by the University of Chicago), data from 2011 showed that affairs in spouses over the age of 60 are increasing (Smith, Marsden, & Hout, 2011). In the 15-year span from 1991 to 2006, the lifetime rate of infidelity for men over 60 increased from 20% in 1991 to 28% in 2006. For women over 60, the increase was even more striking: up from 5% in 1991 to 15% (Parker-Pope, 2008; Smith et al.). While many potential explanations exist, many scholars wonder if this increased rate of infidelity is one reason that recent statistics indicate that divorce rates have doubled among persons aged 50 and older and that 25% of the divorces in 2010 included a person over age 50 (Brown & Lin, 2012).

Growing apart over time is a common theme in couples who report mari- tal distress in later life (Putnam, 2011). Needs, desires, and roles change as cou- ples age together, and difficulty adapting to these changes can often culminate in dissatisfaction (Canham, Mahmood, Stott, Sixsmith, & O’Rourke, 2014; Wu & Schimmele, 2007). Common changes faced by older couples include (a) changes in their interests and values (Canham et al., 2014); (b) adjusting to physical changes, including illnesses (Ford & Chamratrithirong, 2012; Karraker & Latham, 2015); (c) retirement and loss of personal and professional identity (Cohan & Cole, 2002;

CONTACT Macy E. Williamson, MS, LMFTA mwilliamson@chpppnc.com Chapel Hill Pediatric Psychology,  Sage Rd., Suite , Chapel Hill, NC , USA. ©  Taylor & Francis Group, LLC

Williamson, M. E., & Brimhall, A. S. (2017). A journey of remembering: A narrative framework for older couples experiencing infidelity. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(3), 232–252.

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Kropf & Tandy, 1998; Perrig-Chiello, 2014); and (d) loneliness and social isolation (Hawton et al., 2011). All of these changes have the potential to undermine the cou- ple’s relationship and make them more vulnerable to infidelity (Canham et al., 2014; Ford & Chamratrithirong, 2012; Karraker & Latham, 2015). For example, some women cited instances where severe illness and job loss created circumstances where husbands felt disempowered and compensated by seeking sexual gratification with others to confirm their manhood (Canham et al., 2014).

Given these recent trends, it is important that couple and family therapists under- stand some of the unique characteristics of older adults and why a growing number of them are engaging in affairs. Similarly, it is important that these characteristics are understood so that interventions can be tailored to older individuals in a way that is appropriately sensitive to the developmental needs of this population. Using a narrative framework, the purpose of this article is to highlight some of the dom- inant discourses older couples experience as they age and discuss how these mes- sages may increase their likelihood of engaging in extramarital affairs. Relying on a vignette created from the shared clinical experiences of the authors, the article will apply narrative therapy and discuss specific recommendations when working with older couples. Couples between the ages of 55 and 75 represent the target pop- ulation of this discussion, as this is the age group that appears most frequently in the literature regarding older couples and infidelity (Atkins, Eldridge, Baucom, & Christensen, 2005; Smith et al., 2011).

Ageism, Older Couples, and Infidelity

Investigating the increasing rates of infidelity in older adults requires a critical eval- uation of ageist discourses and sociocultural messages that society sends older cou- ples about the meaning of aging. Butler (1969) first introduced “ageism,” which he described as consistent and systematic discrimination of older people. Implicit ageism has become a pervasive form of prejudice in some places, where older adults report feeling marginalized and even invisible (Butler, 1969; Jackson, 2015). A trou- bling aspect of the ageist discourse is that it has become more complex over time, resulting in a continuum where society labels old age in both favorable (i.e., health, independence, and economic and social vitality) and derogatory ways (i.e., ill- ness, physical and social decline, and dependency; McHugh, 2003; Rozanova, 2010; Rozanova, Northcott, & McDaniel, 2006). Understanding these complexities may shed light on the occurrence of infidelity and how to manage it therapeutically.

Dominant Discourse #1: Weak and Frail

The loss of control and autonomy that many older adults experience can become a repressive dominant discourse (Gardner & Poole, 2009). Rather than being seen as a source of wisdom, resiliency, and strength, the idea of aging is associated with decline, weakness, and insignificance (Ivey, Wieling, & Harris, 2000; Jackson, 2015; Nelson, 2005). Specifically, society perpetuates stereotypes that older people are

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rigid, mentally disoriented, and immobile and possess limited ability to change (Ivey et al., 2000; Nelson, 2005). Researchers have often critiqued the media for repre- senting older adults this way—especially women (Kessler, Rakoczy, & Staudinger, 2004; Whitfield, 2001). Norms and preferences that evaluate women on the basis of youthful beauty (smooth unwrinkled skin, thinner figure, firmer breasts, and colorful hair) can be marginalizing and oppressive for aging women (England & McClintock, 2010). This message is potentially reinforced when older women hear stories of men “replacing” their wives with younger women (England & McClin- tock, 2010; Graf & Patrick, 2014). Similarly, social messages that a man’s worth is defined through his position, power, and prestige can lead those who are unable to work or those who retire to question their ability and identity (Landis, Peter-Wight, Martin, & Bodenmann, 2013; Story et al., 2007). Both of these messages are often amplified by media portrayals of sexual impotency, physical ailments, and mental deterioration (Beugnet, 2006; Rozanova, 2010).

Although common, this dominant discourse reiterates the message of weakness, inadequacy, and frailty and potentially undermines an individual’s ability to feel like they are accomplished members of society who have something of value to con- tribute; either to their partners or to the rising generation. And yet, developmen- tal theorists have consistently agreed that the ultimate task of satisfied older adults is to create and maintain a sense of legacy and meaning in the generations that follow (Erikson, 1986/1963; Levinson, 1986; Vaillant, 2002). Feeling this sense of despair, partners may seek reassurance from others to compensate for their sense of decreasing vitality, thus increasing the possibility for emotional, physical, or com- bined type affairs (Ford & Chamratrithirong, 2012; Karraker & Latham, 2015). From a sociocultural perspective, Williams (2011) argues that infidelity for women is often related to relationship dissatisfaction, whereas men report a desire for sexual excite- ment. This dominant discourse, and the ageist beliefs it is founded on, may help provide a more in-depth explanation for why older couples may specifically be vul- nerable to infidelity. Women, whose identity has often been attached to their physi- cal appearance and their relationships, may worry that their partners are no longer interested in them and may experience distance and a loss of emotional connec- tion. Similarly, men who retire and experience a loss of professional identity may feel weak, withdraw from their partners, and compensate by trying to display their prowess through sexual conquests (Glass & Wright, 1992; Williams & Knudson- Martin, 2013; Scheinkman, 2005). Understanding this discourse may provide some etiological insight into the occurrence of infidelity and illustrates how this experi- ence can be especially crippling when it occurs in older age.

These messages also have the potential to reinforce a fear experienced by older adults that others forget about them because they have already lived their lives. Empirical and clinical literature reveals that this fear may not be unfounded since older couples are routinely omitted from empirical research (Ivey et al., 2000; Story et al., 2007). Family scholars assume, perhaps naively, that the old have lived pro- ductive lives and they are blissfully content. As a result, clinicians and scholars often minimize concerns expressed by older populations and fail to take their problems

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as seriously (Grimm, 2003; Ivey et al., 2000). Perhaps it is for these reasons that older adults are often less likely to seek help from professionals (Gardner & Poole, 2009; Kane, 2004). While potentially destructive, this tendency to minimize prob- lems experienced by older couples highlights another dominant discourse that is often associated with growing old.

Dominant Discourse #2: The Golden Years

As with many narratives, those uncomfortable with a discourse of weakness and frailty constructed a different narrative. These researchers emphasize the idea that couples who have been married longer have “bucked the odds” and embraced the “secrets” to marital longevity (Henry, Berg, Smith, & Florsheim, 2007; Levenson, Carstensen, & Gottman, 1993; Luong, Charles, & Fingermann, 2011; Rook, Mavan- dadi, Sorkin, & Zettel, 2007). In some instances, compared with younger cou- ples, older couples have reported higher marital satisfaction overall (Henry et al., 2007; Levenson et al., 1993; Rook et al., 2007). Some suggest that increased emo- tional regulation in older age and socioemotional selectivity may play a role in this phenomenon (Luong et al., 2011; Story et al., 2007). Socioemotional selectivity states that as people age, (a) the pursuit of emotional satisfaction with close others increases in priority; (b) older couples experience less opportunities for emotional closeness with others, and, as a result, (c) they increasingly turn to one another to meet this need (Carstensen, 1992; Carstensen et al., 2011; Levenson et al., 1993; Story et al., 2007). Media portrayals of this discourse depict old age as a time of opportu- nity, self-fulfillment, and expanded emotional growth with a romantic partner (Rud- man, 2006; Rozanova, 2010)—a time for long walks on beautiful beaches. To target baby boomers (the largest consumer market), publications, television programming, and Internet bloggers have painted a picture of glorious retirement where people are ageless and vital indefinitely (McHugh, 2003; Rozanova, 2010).

While this new narrative seems appealing, and perhaps eases the collective con- science about the aging population, it does not seem to capture the entire story. As the recent literature suggests, both infidelity and divorce are increasing among older adults. This suggests that not all older couples are experiencing these “golden years” as a time of reflection, satisfaction, and relaxation. For those who may be feeling frail and weak (Dominant Discourse #1), experiencing marital distress, or who are feeling the effects of physical, emotional, and social changes, they are potentially left in a rather troublesome and restrictive situation. Who do they turn to for help? They may feel that their concerns are not justified, that there is something wrong with them, and that, as a couple, they are abnormal. However, if they feel these feel- ings, and try to seek help, their concerns are likely to be dismissed or minimized by professionals, leaving them potentially feeling stuck and isolated (Gardner & Poole, 2009; Ivey et al., 2000; Kane, 2004).

To make matters worse, if the socioemotional selectivity theory is accurate and older adults prune their support network until they rely primarily on their partner, then think of the potential devastation that occurs when one of the partners has an

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affair. Partners face a difficult choice. Either they stay in the relationship simply to maintain access to their primary support network or they decide to leave, knowing they may face social isolation as they sever these central ties. While the experience of infidelity can be detrimental to any marriage, regardless of age, the public percep- tion of older couples and their overall satisfaction may be particularly distressing for couples who do not experience this period as golden. This may create an enhanced distress that would benefit from being addressed therapeutically. Given the power- ful messages associated with these dominant discourses, a therapeutic framework such as narrative therapy, which fundamentally centers on unique experience and meaning, and subsequent re-storying of the problem, may be well suited for older couples facing infidelity (White & Epston, 1990).

Foundations of Infidelity Treatment and the Narrative Approach

Narrative couple therapy can offer a medium through which couples can be freed from these potentially destructive discourses and biases, whether overly positive or negative. Hare-Mustin (1989) defined bias as an inclination to emphasize certain aspects of experience over others, and argued that traditional mental health models fail to attend to the role of societal biases and norms on interpersonal power related to person variables, such as age and infidelity. One of the inherent goals of narra- tive therapy is to subvert societal bias by privileging aspects of experience that have previously been neglected (White, 2007).

Specific connections between the pillars of narrative therapy and infidelity exist in the literature. Bermudez and Parker (2010) suggest narrative therapy as an effec- tive vehicle to deconstruct the infidelity experience and construct preferred narra- tives around a new relationship. Addressing the societal norms related to infidelity becomes crucial. Parker, Berger, and Campbell (2010) suggest that society’s perpet- uated, dysfunctional view of infidelity could hinder a couple’s ability to overcome the experience. Narrative therapists often argue that the notion of infidelity itself is highly socially constructed and, as such, can be addressed as an oppressive domi- nant discourse within narrative contexts (Abrahamson, Hussain, Khan, & Schofield, 2012). Narrative therapy can aid in focusing on the exploration of these stigmas and helping older couples to emerge from the oppression they impose. In their study, Abrahamson and colleagues found that meaning making was a central factor in couples who remained together after the affair. This suggests that the creation of meaning within each couple’s specific context allows them to place the infidelity in context and begin to externalize the thoughts, feelings, and experiences surrounding the infidelity (Bermudez & Parker, 2010).

In addition, many suggest that narrative therapy is well suited for older gener- ations because of the value they place on storytelling, often enjoying the opportu- nity to reflect on stories of their past (Caldwell, 2005; Erikson, 1986/1963; Gardner & Poole, 2009; Kropf & Tandy, 1998; Vaillant, 2002). The use of deconstructing problem-saturated stories by replacing thin descriptions with more contextually thick ones potentially holds the most promise for this population, as their age

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provides opportunities for experiences that thickly describe both the experience of infidelity and experiences outside of infidelity (Bermudez & Parker, 2010). Based on their extensive histories, their ability to find unique outcomes may be enhanced.

Based on these trends in infidelity treatment, we recommend narrative therapy as a therapeutic approach well designed to work with older couples experiencing infi- delity. The remainder of the article will apply narrative therapy to a case composite of older couples the authors have seen clinically. The vignette highlights the oppressive discourses that many older couples may experience and provides recommendations for how to help.

Clinical Vignette

John, 66, a cisgender man, and Barbara, 64, a cisgender woman, represent a couple married for 43 years, presenting to therapy for an affair that occurred 1 year ago. This vignette is composed through the perspective of a white, heterosexual cou- ple because it most accurately depicts the couples seen by the authors in therapy. It is important to acknowledge that any variation in the demographics of race, eth- nicity, or sexual orientation would require clinicians’ adaptation to the complexi- ties of infidelity with older couples. Specific attention should always be given to the couple dynamic and how cultural messages around gender, power, and oppression have both developed and maintained the couple’s interaction. In addition, while this example focuses on John’s infidelity, the authors recognize that both genders actively participate in affairs (Brand, Markey, Mills, & Hodges, 2007). This particular exam- ple is based on the literature that suggests males’ engagement in affairs is more com- mon (Smith, 2006).

At the beginning of therapy John reported that he engaged in a 3-month sexual affair that began just over a year ago. Although the affair ended several months ago, John recently disclosed the affair to Barbara. According to John, he became involved with a woman from the church he and Barbara attend. The following descriptions help highlight the dominant discourses, both around aging and infidelity, which infiltrated John and Barbara’s problem-saturated stories. These problematic narra- tives provide insight into the details that a narrative therapist would highlight during the assessment process, in an attempt to understand the influence of infidelity and aging on the couple’s story.

John reports that at the time of the affair, he had recently retired from his job managing a construction company, which he held for over 20 years. John’s position involved manual labor and he reported enjoying the “white and blue collar” nature of his work. John noticed that physical tasks became more difficult and time con- suming, which he attributed to arthritis worsening in his hands and knees. John also reported his management abilities declining and noticed that both his reac- tion and processing time were becoming more delayed; to the point where it was beginning to affect the productivity of the company. John reported that retiring was particularly distressing for him and reported feeling like a “weak, old man who was mentally deteriorating” (Dominant Discourse #1). According to John, he had always

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feared becoming weak in his old age. These messages were reinforced by messages he was seeing on television about sexual impotence, physical ailments, and nursing homes—all indications that older people were weak and needed assistance. John internalized these messages and became entrenched in a narrative that is indicative of the social and relational discourses informed by public perceptions of weakness and cognitive deterioration (Nelson, 2005; White, 1993). John wanted to share these concerns with Barbara but was worried his fears would reinforce this image of a weak man who needed help. As this narrative gained strength, John reported distancing himself because he was afraid Barbara would not want to be married to a man who was broken and needed help.

John reported that it was during this time that a woman at church began making comments about how helpful he was and how Barbara must be lucky to have such a strong and capable man at home. He acknowledged that it was easier to share his concerns with this woman because his fear of rejection was not nearly as high. Also, Barbara had repeatedly expressed her concern that they did not seem as happy as other couples at church and that others seemed more content with life and pleased with their retirements (Dominant Discourse #2). Afraid to reinforce Barbara’s con- cern, John reported suppressing feeling weak and inadequate. According to John, it was appealing, given his emotional context, to hear another woman refer to him as strong and capable. However, once the affair occurred, John felt even weaker because he did not resist.

Barbara’s narrative was going through a similar transition. She reported feeling “out of touch” with the world around her. Barbara had typically been known to be “fashionable” and “trendy.” However, Barbara had begun to notice receiving fewer compliments on her appearance and remembered her daughter gently telling her to “get with the times.” As a result, Barbara reported feeling outdated and unattrac- tive. As these feelings increased, she noticed herself avoiding some of John’s sexual advances, reporting that she worried he would find her unattractive. These experi- ences were beginning to inform Barbara’s perception of her own identity (Dominant Discourse #1). Given society’s fascination with youth and beauty, narratives sur- rounding appearance and relevancy are common for aging women (Ivey et al., 2000). While Barbara’s reactions were based on her own fears, John often interpreted her avoidance as evidence that she did not want to be with an older man whose health was deteriorating. Similarly, John’s affair solidified Barbara’s problem-saturated story and reinforced that John found her unattractive.

The stories shared by Barbara and John have a strong connection with the marginalization many people in older age experience (Landis et al., 2013; Story et al., 2009). Notions of weakness, cognitive decline, loss of youthfulness, a decline in attractiveness, and a lack of control are strong messages that might contribute to John’s feeling more vulnerable to an affair as well as making it harder for John and Barbara to heal (Ivey et al., 2000; Nelson, 2005). John was becoming entrenched in a story of himself where his choices seemed restricted, and other options were painful, disappointing, and, in this case, destructive to his marriage (White & Epston, 1990). Barbara’s problematic narratives were reinforcing the idea that she was unwanted

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and therefore makes it particularly challenging for John to provide reassurance. She was at risk for internalizing the infidelity as a part of her identity because it con- firmed the destructive narratives already oppressing her before the affair (White, 2007).

Barbara and John’s individual and relational narratives provide areas for ther- apeutic attention within the context of narrative therapy. The exploration of John’s narrative of his own physical weakness, cognitive decline, rigidity, and loss of control may increase understanding of his own actions in pursuing the affair. Collaborative examination of Barbara’s narratives of loss of attractiveness, being out of touch, and loss of autonomy will also help free herself from these problem-saturated narratives so she can see the problem itself more clearly. The expansion of Barbara’s individual narratives of self before the affair may also create insight into the couple’s dynamic and interaction process. Highlighting Barbara and John’s relational narrative of mar- ital failure as a problematic societal discourse will likely be pivotal in freeing them from the place of isolation and marginalization where they are currently entrenched (White & Epston, 1990).

Clinical Recommendations from a Narrative Couple Therapy Perspective

From a narrative perspective, collaborative creation of preferred relational and individual narratives (re-storying) can be achieved chiefly through deconstructing the problem-saturated story, identifying and subverting problematic dominant dis- courses, externalizing the problem, and locating unique outcomes within the cou- ple’s narratives (Freeman & Combs, 2015; White & Epston, 1990). While the linear organization of these clinical recommendations may suggest a definite, sequential ordering, this is not always the case. The phases of the narrative framework can operate fluidly, where goal setting and the creation of preferred identities can be achieved during externalization activities, or unique outcomes may emerge while deconstructing problem-saturated stories. With this in mind, the presentations of these recommendations are structured in a way that is sequential, and can be imple- mented as such. Clinicians should typically begin with understanding the oppressive narratives and work toward re-storying these narratives.

Throughout the process, therapists should also attend to the more acute, infi- delity related issues that arise such as emotional and behavioral reactions, negoti- ation of disclosure, and feelings of mistrust (Blow & Hartnett, 2005; Gordon, Bau- com, & Snyder, 2008). While narrative therapy’s focus tends to lean more toward treatment of the couple as a whole, it is necessary that clinicians work through these more specific issues, particularly on the front end of treatment. Indeed, the infidelity treatment literature tends to center on a general three-step process: address issues that arise from the impact of infidelity, explore the context and meanings related to the infidelity experience, and work toward what is needed to move on after the affair (Gordon, Baucom, & Snyder, 2008; Blow & Hartnett, 2005). For couples who are motivated to remain together, working on the relationship as a whole rather than focusing specifically on the infidelity can be helpful for the involved spouse (reducing blame and defensiveness) as well as lay the foundation for reestablishing

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trust and intimacy (Atkins et al., 2005). It is also important to note that goal-setting within the context of any narrative approach is a collaborative process unique to the specific client and dependent on both the problematic and preferred narratives of the client (White, 2007). Similarly, the infidelity literature cautions against develop- ing a universally accepted outcome for treatment, and recommends that therapists should be actively involved in developing a shared understanding with the couple of what is considered a successful outcome (Blow & Hartnett, 2005). That being said, these recommendations are largely intended for couples hopeful to remain together. This section will highlight each of these recommendations and how they apply to John and Barbara.

Understanding and Deconstructing the Problem-Saturated Story

From a narrative perspective, people make meaning out of life by organizing key events into stories. These stories are created through interactions with others, and can determine which aspects of our experience we express (White & Epston, 1990). White (2007) suggests that the narratives people form have a strong connection with societal norms and the oppression and marginalization certain groups experience within society. Clients typically offer thin descriptions as part of their dominant nar- rative, but these rarely describe the entire issue (White). Thick descriptions allow for deconstruction of these issues and the issue to be explored in depth.

The problem-saturated story for John and Barbara is multifaceted. As mentioned previously, their population faces a number of stigmas around the experience of infi- delity, aging, and loss of autonomy, respect, or control. John’s individual narrative that showing emotions is weak and that he is deteriorating physically and mentally provide a thin description of who he is as an individual and what he has to offer. Barbara’s belief that her value is directly tied to her physical appearance makes her vulnerable as she continues to age. It would be easy, as a therapist, to get lured into focusing predominantly on the infidelity, since that is typically what brings clients to therapy. However, in order to truly deconstruct the problem-saturated story, therapists would be wise to help partners deconstruct the individual and relational narratives that reinforce these thin descriptions of both themselves and their rela- tionship. These include messages around age (i.e., I’m weak, I’m old/deteriorating, I’m unattractive); relationships (i.e., couples our age don’t experience these types of problems; we’re abnormal); and infidelity (i.e., he wanted a younger model, she didn’t want me because I’m old).

Understanding these dominant discourses may be especially helpful when facil- itating disclosure. Therapists often need to work collaboratively with couples to negotiate how, when, and what will be disclosed about the affair. The way in which the affair is disclosed to the other partner can be a powerful way to structure mean- ings around the infidelity experience and often the foundation of the problem- saturated story (Abrahamson et al., 2012; Blow & Hartnett. 2005). Helping each partner understand the vulnerabilities created by these dominant discourses might help soften the reactions of the noninvolved partner as well as helping the involved partner take more accountability. This may be especially helpful as the noninvolved

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partner goes through the often chaotic and intensely uncomfortable emotions she feels as she deals with the cognitive aspect of gathering and reorganizing informa- tion and reconstructing her understanding of the relationship (Abrahamson et al.; Gordon et al., 2008).

Understanding these vulnerabilities, from an individual, relational, and soci- etal context, can help with this process and can facilitate the healing process. A common reaction associated with problem-saturated story surrounding affairs is to define their relationship solely through the lens of the affair (Abrahamson et al., 2012; Atkins et al., 2005; Bermudez & Parker, 2010). Partners begin to see each other through the hurt, pain, and betrayal and often minimize or forget many of the positive aspects of their relationship. The literature on trust (Miller & Rem- pel, 2004) suggests that betrayals, like affairs, often result in a global level of mis- trust that is often used to redefine the entire relationship. They recommend help- ing individuals and couples understand that trust is multifaceted and that view- ing their relationship through this single lens can be destructive. Butler (1963) dis- cusses a naturally occurring process, referred to as “life review,” that therapists might use to help prevent older couples from adopting this more narrow view of their relationship.

Consistent with developmental theorists (Erikson, 1986/1963; Valliant, 2002), Butler contends that a natural function of aging is becoming more reflective—a pro- cess where older adults evaluate their contribution as a member of society. This often manifests itself in story-telling and reminiscing about the past. To initiate this pro- cess, therapists typically ask couples to tell their story by describing the most mem- orable moments in their life, including their relationships. With older clients, this process may occur more naturally and help reinforce the idea that their life is more than the affair—that they have an extensive history that is more comprehensive than recent events (Butler; Gardner & Poole, 2009; Kropf & Tandy, 1998). These recollec- tions may help couples realize that there are aspects of their partner they can trust that may help rebuild trust around the marital relationship. Given its focus on sto- rytelling, younger therapists, and those whose therapeutic approach does not value the importance of narratives, need to be careful because they may find themselves getting impatient because they misinterpret this reminiscing as being resistant, eas- ily distracted, hard to keep on task, or feeble minded (Butler, 1963). As a result, they are in danger of either disengaging or minimizing their clients’ story and reinforcing the message, even if subtly, that the client needs assistance staying on task. They may inadvertently be reinforcing the very discourses that eventually made the client vul- nerable. Rather than fighting the process, therapists can use the natural tendency of older adults to review one’s life to their benefit. While life reviews are not a narrative concept, the therapeutic modality is well suited to integrating the process described (Butler; Gardner & Poole, 2009).

Externalizing

The goal of deconstructive listening and questioning is to mobilize therapists to help clients externalize their problems in an objective manner, separating the problem

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from their personal identities (White, 2007). Attaching the problems of infidelity and aging to identity can not only exacerbate the problem but further entrench the couple within the problematic story in a way that makes alternatives seem impossi- ble to reach (White & Epston, 1990). The affair, from Barbara’s perspective, was fur- ther evidence that she was unattractive, out of touch, and undesirable. John viewed himself as physically weak and mentally deteriorating and used the affair as a way to combat those feelings. Together, John and Barbara viewed the affair as an indi- cation that they were abnormal and that other couples their age would not expe- rience similar problems. It is imperative that the couple recognizes that affairs are not indicative of deep, inherent, character flaws on the part of the partner (or them- selves) but perhaps indicative of long-standing styles of relating and the resulting patterns of understanding and interacting that ensue (Brimhall, Miller, Maxwell, & Alotaiby, 2016). John and Barbara need to understand that these messages are not simply internal feelings they are experiencing but rather messages from soci- ety that are reinforced from multiple angles. Externalizing these messages creates a less-hostile climate that can allow the couple to band together against the problem, rather than retreating.

Externalization of these problems should be continued throughout the therapeu- tic process but can be initiated during a first meeting with John and Barbara. Many narrative therapists term this “meeting the person (or couple) apart from the prob- lem” (Freedman & Combs, 2015). This may entail asking Barbara and John about the family they have created together, their hobbies, values, or even a favorite mem- ory (life reviews). Meeting the couple apart from the problem not only begins the process of externalizing but also initiates the creation of preferred identities and nar- ratives (Freedman & Combs; White, 2007). Discussing the positive aspects of their relationship allows John and Barbara to incorporate realistic elements of their world into their preferred narrative (Freedman & Combs).

The process of externalization will deepen as the problems are named and ques- tions are asked about the “problem.” The therapist should ask John and Barbara to think of a name that captures the impact the infidelity and aging are having on their relationship. John might name it “weakness,” and Barbara, “feeling unwanted.” Once these names are established, the therapist can begin asking questions about the prob- lem such as, “What made you susceptible to “weakness” so it now dominates your relationship?” “How has “feeling unwanted” led you to the struggles you face?” or “Where and when is “weakness” most likely to take over?” (White, 2007).

Mapping the Influence

Once these dominant discourses can be seen as entities that oppressed John and Bar- bara’s marriage instead of defects within it, the therapist and couple can explore how the problem has affected their lives and, conversely, how they each have influenced the course of the problem (White & Epston, 1990). Mapping the influence of the problem is a technique that involves questioning the meaning that John and Barbara applied to the infidelity. This might include eliciting stories and reports on how the infidelity has affected each partner’s physical and mental health, perception of self,

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social relationships, and other aspects of life. This may also be an appropriate stage of therapy for the couple to identify and access other intersecting narratives of the relationship, such as gender and power imbalances that may provide insight into the occurrence of the affair, as well as the affair’s ability to constrain and restrict attempts to repair and re-establish intimacy (Knudson-Martin, 2013; Williams, 2011). Ther- apists may find it helpful to frame the infidelity within a sociocultural lens, which may aid in normalizing the couple’s experience (Williams).

Mapping the influence involves locating the dominant discourses and examining how the oppressive nature of these discourses influenced the actions and percep- tions of John and Barbara (White & Epston, 1990). The oppression that John and Barbara faced can be connected with John’s harmful actions and Barbara’s trouble- some perceptions. This is also the time to process John’s decision to have an affair and hold him accountable for his actions. A common critique of narrative therapy, along with several other postmodern therapies, is the lack of advocacy that may occur (Lee, 1997). In an attempt to understand the client’s lived reality, and to honor their experience, therapists might be tempted to ignore this step. However, Chen- Hayes (2001) discusses the importance of understanding how identity interacts with power in such a way that some experiences are privileged over others. Mapping the influence of John and Barbara’s behavior on each individual and on the relationship may help highlight these privileged ways of being and help each person acknowl- edge future vulnerabilities by understanding how these narratives, and the decisions that followed, influenced past behaviors. Understanding these behaviors in con- text, and highlighting the destructive influence they are having on their perceptions about themselves, their partners, and their relationships, helps open their mind to new possibilities and interpretations. This reinforces their initial attempts to rebuild trust, a critical aspect of healing after the affair (Blow & Hartnett, 2005). Mapping the influence may help John understand why he was feeling weak and decrepit but, for healing to occur, he must take responsibility for responding to those feelings by having an affair instead of reaching out to Barbara. Taking responsibility rather than shirking it helps him earn back Barbara’s trust and be more available for her. Simulta- neously, by understanding that John’s actions were an extension of his fears and not a commentary on her own attractiveness, Barbara can accept John’s attempts to restore trust rather than dismissing them, an equally necessary step in rebuilding trust.

If, through mapping the influence of the problem, John can understand that his withdrawing contributes to Barbara’s feeling unwanted and if Barbara can come to learn that her anxiety often increases John’s sense of inadequacy, then both can develop a new relational narrative. John and Barbara can externalize this pattern as a problem that oppresses their relationship and begin to map out times when the pattern is absent. After realizing that his fear of showing weakness actually makes matters worse, John can begin to experiment with a new narrative that sharing emo- tions is actually a sign of strength (Brown, 2012). This may allow him to open up more to Barbara, which in turn may alleviate some of her anxiety and help her pursue less. Likewise, Barbara can develop flexibility in perceptions of herself and John by

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learning that beauty entails more than physical appearance. When Barbara begins to experience herself and John in a new way, opportunities for experience and mean- ing are widened. Acknowledging that she needs John’s strength and wisdom can help John realize that he is not weak and that he is needed. Through mapping the influence of the problem John and Barbara can both discern ways in which their relational pattern, a pattern reinforced by their problematic personal discourses, increased vulnerability of each partner and influenced the birth and life of the infidelity.

Unique Outcomes

Unique outcomes are openings that allow clients to recognize alternative narratives, or times when the problem was not a problem. Levensen et al. (1993), found that older couples derive the most pleasure from discussing life experiences (children, grandchildren, past vacations, life transitions, etc.). Unlike their younger counter- parts, unique outcomes may emerge more frequently with older couples because they typically have a large landscape of memories to call upon. Honoring these memories and using them within the “life reviews” can often create space and time that allow the couple to identify multiple pieces of evidence against the external- ized problems. The more unique outcomes the couple can recognize and appreci- ate, the better. Calling on their long history, older couples may be able to realize that they are not defined by the current problems. In John and Barbara’s case, the inter- nalized problems were layered and the presenting problem of infidelity appeared to be strongly influenced by some strong narratives around aging for each partner. It is important, therefore, to identify times when the problem could have been a problem but was not; these moments should be pursued within the landscape of John and Barbara’s personal identities as well as specifically around the infidelity. Unique outcomes within John and Barbara’s personal and relational narratives can be exposed by asking for them outright (i.e., “Has there been a time where you’ve ‘beaten’ ‘weakness?’ … A time where ‘feeling unwanted’ could have taken over, but you kept it away?”) or by noticing and pointing them out in conversation (White & Epston, 1990; White, 2007). John may be able to remember a time recently where feeling “weak” did not overpower him. Barbara might be able to locate a recent mem- ory where she felt in touch with the world around her during a conversation with a friend. A powerful way for relational therapists to uncover unique outcomes is to have each individual comment on times when they noticed their partner conquer- ing the problem. Hearing a partner acknowledge one’s strength often has a beneficial impact on the relationship and reinforces the preferred narrative that is being devel- oped. An example of this might be to have Barbara acknowledge moments when John was strong and competent (i.e., when he was able to fix her car or when she asked him for help). Conversely, John can take opportunities to tell Barbara about times when he finds her especially attractive and desirable, specifically including ways that extend past physical appearance.

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Re-Storying

Using these unique outcomes to re-story experience allows therapists and clients to create new narratives. In order for change to occur it is important that these nar- ratives be extended in time—integrated into the client’s past, present, and future (White, 2007). Re-storying begins when Barbara and John can begin to include these unique outcomes within their narratives, such that they are no longer “unique” but integral parts of their dominant narrative (White, 2007). Using the memories of Bar- bara and Johns’ unique outcomes, the unstoried experiences can be reexperienced and assigned new meaning and value. White suggests using “scaffolding conversa- tions” to begin movement from a unique outcome (that is more familiar to John and Barbara) to new preferred narratives. In the case of John and Barbara, these new nar- ratives may include a relationship with age that focuses on wisdom and resiliency (Erikson, 1986/1963) rather than weakness and a new story around their marriage that is built on concepts of perseverance rather than failure. Linking together the strengths of the relationship into a coherent narrative will allow Barbara and John to emerge stronger both relationally and individually.

Given the strength of the dominant discourse around fragility, the idea of exert- ing control over narratives through re-storying may be especially attractive to this generation. The idea of “newness” or “renewal” might be something this population yearns for but feels far removed from. Concepts of control and autonomy have likely been diminished for these couples in various aspects of their lives. Regaining that control through new narratives is why this approach may be so useful with this pop- ulation. More importantly, narrative therapy offers a nonpathologizing approach to emerge from oppressive understandings of the current life stage and create narra- tives that honor their entire life story.

Definitional Ceremony

A common practice in narrative therapy is to perform a definitional ceremony as a way to celebrate the culmination of the couple’s ability to externalize the prob- lem, map its influence, locate unique outcomes, and build a more strength-based preferred narrative (White, 2009). This typically involves inviting meaningful members of the couple’s life to join them as witnesses to this new narrative. For John and Barbara, it may mean inviting their children into therapy to reinforce the more balanced (and accurate) perspective that they are indeed not perfect but rather travelers along the path of life who, despite having some falls along the way, have weathered the storms and come off conquerors. Witnesses also have the opportunity to “switch places” with the persons whose lives are at the center of the ceremony, in order to re-tell the most salient aspects of the story. Witness re-telling can exceed the boundaries of the original telling in important ways—ways that contribute to the rich description of the relational identity of the couple and link this identity to others around them through shared themes, values, and commitments (White). Typically, the final step is to have a “retelling of the retelling” where the couple can re-tell their story incorporating aspects of the witness re-tellings. This

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ceremony can help solidify John and Barbara’s role in the family and help their children, and themselves, see each individual as wise sages who can help provide direction and guidance. Fittingly, engaging in this process can also help each of them achieve the developmental task of creating and maintaining a sense of legacy for generations who follow (Erikson, 1985; Levinson, 1986; Vaillant, 2002) and reinforces the newly developed narrative that John is strong and needed and that Barbara is wanted and in touch with those around her (White). More specifically, it can reinforce that relationships are not perfect and may indirectly help their children learn that all relationships have problems, perhaps freeing any restrictive messages they internalized about relationships growing up in John and Barbara’s home.

While there are several benefits to including family members, it is imperative that therapists are considerate and cautious in ascertaining the appropriateness of such a ceremony. Therapists should be attentive to practical and logistical issues (e.g., ability and means to travel, geographic distance, etc.) when introducing and discussing the idea of inviting family members to therapy. Therapists and clients should also carefully prepare for a definitional ceremony, discussing potential issues or problems that could arise as a result of transparency about infidelity, and possibly discussing alternatives should this be a concern. White (2009) suggests conducting preinterviews with witnesses in order to structure the ceremony for success. These interviews should prepare witnesses for the story they will hear and take personal inventory of the individual to determine if he or she will be supportive of the new narrative.

Variations on Vignette and Implications

This vignette was based on a case composite of older couples who were married during their younger years and thus have been married for a long period of time. However, as marriages occurring later in life are becoming more common, it is also important to consider how this therapeutic framework may change for older cou- ples who have been married for shorter periods of time (Cooney & Dunne, 2001). Of course, these couples will not have the history of memories to pull from as Bar- bara and John did. As such, there will be less opportunity for locating unique out- come using the life reviews. As a strength-based approach, narrative therapy would likely focus on the assets of the relationship. For example, a narrative therapist may emphasize the fact that the couple was brought together later in life and ask reflec- tive questions about what brought the two together. It might even be beneficial to have this memory of attraction and relationship formation more recent and there- fore familiar. The therapeutic framework would otherwise be quite similar to the one applied to Barbara and John.

The other variation on this vignette relates to the timing in which the affair is committed. For Barbara and John, the affair had occurred fairly recently, and they were addressing the problem rather promptly. However, as older adults engage in the natural process of “life review” (Butler, 1963), it is possible that affairs that occurred

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in the distant past surface and influence how the couple interacts. How might we address couples whose affairs were experienced and disclosed many years ago and are just now seeking help with the problem? This likely depends on the way in which the affair was disclosed and the meaning that the couple assigned to this experi- ence. Narrative therapists would suggest that the longer one remains entrenched in a particular problematic narrative, the more opportunities that exist for it to inform experience, shape meanings related to those experiences, and create expectations (Combs & Freedman, 2015; White & Epston, 1990). However, predicting the ways in which a couple or partner might incorporate the infidelity into the narrative of their relationship is difficult.

Indeed, a number of demographic variables (Williams, 2011) as well as the type of infidelity that occurred (sexual, emotional, or combined type) may influence the emotional reactions to infidelity (Leeker & Carlozzi, 2014). It could be that the affair has dictated, oppressed, and restricted opportunities for understanding for the majority of the relationship. However, couples who experienced the affair a long time ago may not experience the marginalization or isolation related to marital problems occurring in older couples, like Barbara and John. Perhaps these couples could externalize the problem of the affair more easily, because the memory of its occurrence is more distant. The implication here is that the therapist will need to spend time assessing for the ways in which the infidelity has influenced each partner’s understanding of the relationship since it occurred. As such, it may require more time deconstructing the problem and mapping its influence on each individual and the relationship. The potential need for more intensive treatment will depend on the way the infidelity was incorporated within the relational narrative.

Limitations and Future Directions

An overarching critique of narrative therapy is the lack of empirical support for the model itself. Historically, narrative therapists avoided empirical research because many believe that the rigorous and objective nature of research design does not align well with highly individual, subjective realities endorsed by narrative therapy (Brimhall, Gardner, & Henline, 2003; Gardner & Poole, 2009). Modernist notions of “truth” that guide scientific investigation directly contradict the postmodern realm of thought from which narrative therapy is derived. Statistical significance may be of little practical value when evaluating this therapeutic approach because it provides insufficient information on the individual impact and meaning of change, which are encompassed in the very goals of narrative therapy (Besa, 1994; White, 2007). The research that was completed included clients as collaborators to determine thera- peutic effectiveness.

While original developers may have eschewed empirical research, recent attempts have been made to increase the level of empirical support. Initially many of these attempts relied on qualitative studies because philosophically qualitative approaches are designed to understand an individual’s lived experiences—a goal of narrative therapy. As a result, researchers have started testing the effectiveness of narrative

248 M. E. WILLIAMSON AND A. S. BRIMHALL

therapy on several clinical conditions including depression in adults (Lopes et al., 2014; Vromans & Schweitzer, 2011) and adolescent females (Weber, Davis, & McPhie, 2006), obsessive-compulsive disorder (Esfahani, Kjbaf, & Abedi, 2015), and posttraumatic stress disorder (Erbes, Stillman, Wieling, Bera, & Leskela, 2014). This increase in empirical evidence allows narrative therapy to avoid the danger of becoming obsolete by acknowledging both the objective and subjective realities of experiences and their influence on how people engage in meaning making.

Since a piece of literature combining narrative therapy, older adults, and infidelity does not currently exist, it is important to recognize that the preceding discussion is an introduction to a framework that could be effective. Future research should con- sider interviewing older couples and asking them their experiences with aging and the dominant discourses described earlier. As with any balanced research agenda, researchers should aim to understand these narratives from both qualitative and quantitative approaches. Specifically, older couples who experienced an affair should be interviewed to learn how they reconnected and healed. Considerations related to timing presented with the vignette demonstrate the need for qualitative studies that capture how timing can affect the experience of infidelity and, consequently, the treatment process. We might also wonder how this framework changes based on the physical health of the older couple, and how common issues such as memory loss or dementia could diminish its effectiveness. Once these experiences are understood, quantitative methods should be used to test whether narrative therapy is an effective approach to treating older couples. Finally, clinical trials should be used to under- stand if it is concepts unique to narrative therapy that produce change or a function of common factors that extend to multiple relational models.

Conclusion

The utility of a narrative framework for infidelity in older couples lies not only in its potential effectiveness in addressing the complexities of infidelity within this popu- lation but also that the process can be liberating in freeing older couples from ageist discourses. This combination of benefits creates the possibility for very good out- comes. Eudora Welty (1984), author of One Writer’s Beginnings, once wrote, “Each of us is moving, changing, with respect to others. As we discover, we remember; remembering, we discover; and most intensely do we experience this when our sep- arate journeys converge” (p. 102).

Captured here is a depiction of why this framework is well suited for older cou- ples experiencing infidelity. Embarking on a journey of remembering, then reexpe- riencing can be incredibly freeing, because it opens the possibility for the past and present to take on new meaning. This freedom gains momentum when we can share this meaning with another. In essence, we can emerge from places of anguish and entrenchment by expanding opportunities for what our world means. How encour- aging and comforting might it be to know that constant progress on this journey with another can heal, invigorate, and enhance that relationship; as such it truly provides something new to narratives that might be old.

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