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L04 Divine Love
While love was certainly an important theme historically, it has only been relatively recently that love and marriage were seen as “going together” like the proverbial horse and carriage!
Thanks to the rise of Judaism and Christianity in the Western world, divine love became the primary focus of philosophical and theological conceptions of love after the Ancient Greeks. Divine love, the love of God and loving God were seen as the ultimate source of meaning and happiness for humans. Divine love was what shielded us against loss and suffering. This conception of love left a legacy that continues to impact contemporary views of romantic love in the United States. We see in the previous sayings echoes of themes that are an inheritance from conceptions of divine love:
Love is unconditional. It is unaffected by changes in the one loved.
Love is selfless. True love is the concern for the good of the loved one for their own sake.
Love is benevolent and a source of peace and happiness.
Love is eternal. True love is forever.
Love makes up for the imperfections of the everyday world.
Love makes us better people
These are the ideals that often inform our expectations of romantic love.
Conceptions of love, however, prior to the late middle ages, were primarily focused on the relation between humans and the divine. If we look to Hebrew Scripture and the Christian Old Testament we see codified this relation of love and the divine:
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” Deuteronomy 6:5
Here loving God is to be the goal of life—that through which we organize our life in order to live according to God’s will. It is to be a love to which all other loves must be secondary, a love that is cultivated and attended to.
Furthermore, as humans are made “in the image of God” (Genesis 1:27), we are to strive to be like God, “to walk in all his ways” (Deuteronomy 10:12) by following all of God’s commandments and to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18). Treating others with respect, then, is how we walk in the ways of the divine. Such love is here seen as a moral and religious duty, submission to a commandment issued by God.
L04 Arranged Marriages: 10th - 17th Centuries
As we’ve seen from earlier lessons, the conception of love as unconditional and the focus of happiness did not extend to marital love in the early centuries of Christianity. Indeed, it is important to recognize that well into the 17th century, marriages were arranged. Although it was expected that spouses would treat each other with respect and kindness, there were no expectations of the type of romantic love that is so prevalent in the conceptions of love listed above.
Arranged Marriages for the Wealthy
Painting of a scene of a renaissance couple signing marriage papers in front of witnesses
(c) 2006, SCALA, Florence / ART RESOURCE, N.Y.
Arranged marriages were quite different for the wealthy compared to those of tradespeople or unskilled workers. For those with money, marriages were typically arranged by the individual’s family and were primarily transactional, that is, marriages were often a way that land or money or political power could be consolidated. Couples often did not know one another, and there was often a significant gap in age between the wife and the husband at the time of marriage. Women often married in their teens, between the ages of 14-18, with men typically marrying in their mid-to late-twenties. It wasn’t until the thirteenth century that people began to see value in the mutual consent of the spouses in arranged marriages. But parental consent was nonetheless necessary and was often a strong force in the choice of a spouse. The couple also required the consent of the church.
Arranged Marriages for Laborers
For those in the trades or unskilled labor, while many marriages were arranged, there was more choice for individuals as the purpose of marriage was seldom transactional as it was for marriage of the wealthy. Women often worked as domestic servants prior to marriage in order to save enough money to build a dowry. As a result the average age of marriage for women in this class was in their early twenties. Men in this class had to have the ability to support a family and as a result, they typically married in their mid-twenties. As you can see, the age differential between spouses was far less than with the wealthy.
By the seventeenth century the number of arranged marriages was decreasing, but parental agreement remained important and women’s parents were expected to provide a dowry. During this period, marriage was based on prudence, not love. The family was seen as the basic economic and social unit, so marrying someone who would fulfill their expected roles, whether this be to bring income to the family or to procreate, was a central motivation. This is not to say that love didn’t sometimes develop within arranged marriages, only that there was not an expectation that one would wait to ‘fall in love’ or find ‘one’s true love’ and then marry them.
L04 Arranged Marriages
Marriage as Sacrament
In the twelfth century, marriage between Christians came to be seen as a sacrament of the church. That meant that a marriage is indissoluble so long as both the spouses lived. Although marriages continued to be arranged well into the seventeenth century and both parental and church approval was expected, the church stressed that the marriage itself required the consent of both parties.
This conception of marriage as a sacrament that was indissoluble meant that divorce was not an option. Marriages could be annulled if they had not been “consecrated,” that is, that the couple had not yet had sex.The most common form of response to a problematic marriage was separation or abandonment. However, this was typically a response chosen by the husband in that a wife would lose all financial support and inheritance rights and the children from the marriage would be proclaimed to be illegitimate.
Courtly Love Tradition
Medieval illustration of a man on a warhorse touching hands with a woman in a castle window
Manessiche Liederhandschrift
Fin’ amor, refined or courtly love, as it came to be labeled, was new in the Middle Ages. Romantic passion being celebrated was a new addition to Western literature. It was neither the eros of the Ancient Greeks with its fiery lust nor the love of God and of humankind as in God’s image we find in the Christian world before the end of the 11th century. The dominant trope of love up until the twelfth century in Europe was a very Christian conception of love in which we love other people because of our love of God or our loving them because they are in the image of God. But this was a conception where the passions of sex were at best to be controlled by marriage. We find in Ovid's Ars Armitoria and Remedia Amoris (The Art of Love and The Cure for Love) discussions of love, but they frame eros as a game and often one that is dangerous. The conception of romantic love with its different meanings doesn’t arise until the twelfth century.
Courtly love issued in a conception of love as ennobling men to act bravely and honorably, a conception we have already seen in Phaedrus, but in this case it is the love of a women that elevates a man, makes him a better person. However, this love, although passion-filled, was never to be consummated. It was a form of love seen as only possible for noble men, and hence not an option for the common folk. Love itself becomes like a religious passion, ennobling, ever unfulfilled, and thus ever increasing. And, most importantly, this love and its passions had nothing to do with marriage or the duties of spouses. It had to do with the way that love of a virtuous woman can ennoble a man.
Chrétien de Troyes’s romance Lancelot, the Knight of the Cart (Lancelot, le Chevalier de la Charrette) is one of the stories of courtly love that has most resonated with contemporary audiences. Lancelot, one of King Authur’s greatest knights, falls in love with Authur’s wife, Queen Guinevere. If you are familiar with versions of this story—the many movies or novels that have been created based on the life of Lancelot—identify the various themes regarding love and sex as they are depicted in those retellings.
While this image of courtly love eventually had a wide-spread impact, it was a conception of love that was limited to the nobility. It was also not encouraged within the Jewish community where it was believed that Jewish values and traditions would be better preserved if marriages were arranged. The role of the Matchmaker or Shadkhan ( https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/465151/jewish/The-Matchmaker-Shadkhan.htm
) is explained further on Chabad.org, a Judaism website.
Marriage vs Celibacy
The Protestant Reformation also shifted attitudes toward marriage. Rather than seeing the celibate state as the more spiritual, a Christian marriage was seen as a way to bring husbands and wives closer to God. Marriage could bring a couple closer to God and to the love of God though God's image in their spouse. Marriage then, while certainly still to support procreation and to avoid preoccupation with sexual desire, took on an additional and more elevated role within Protestantism. But it is important to see that the model of love is still one based on love of God.
Sex within Marriage
The other shift with the Reformation was regarding views of sex within marriage. Unlike the strict view of Aquinas that sex was to be performed for the sole purpose of reproduction, attitudes shifted with the Reformation to sex in marriage for reasons other than procreation. However, as we can see from Luther’s warnings, the role of sex within the marriage was to keep the individual from becoming preoccupied with carnal desires. As with the previous Jewish and Christian views, sex was seen as having value only within marriage.
Adultery and the Sexual Double Standard
Harsh punishments were levied against those caught having sex outside marriage including heavy fines, ridicule, and banishment. Adultery, for example, was seen as a violation of the sacrament of marriage. The consequences of being caught included being whipped in public and required to wear a badge or letters identifying them as adulterers (AD), the inspiration for Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel The Scarlett Letter. And if someone who was accused of adultery was caught not wearing their letters, they would again be whipped in public.
However, what we now call the sexual double standard was in effect. Women were often treated more harshly than men. Indeed, it wasn’t uncommon for men at this time to have sex with prostitutes or, if wealthy, to have mistresses. For example, the belief that a woman’s adultery was a more serious offense than a man’s was a dominant cultural assumption. In the eighteenth century, for example, English law made a distinction between husbands and wives. While a wife’s adultery was sufficient cause to end a marriage, a woman could divorce her husband only if his adultery had been compounded by another matrimonial offense such as cruelty or desertion. Indeed, it wasn’t until the twentieth century that grounds for divorce became the same for women and men.
L04 Passionless Women
The dominant conception of women in the nineteenth century was of the passionless woman, that women lacked sexual aggressiveness, that their sexual appetites contributed a very minor part (if any at all) to their motivations, and that lustfulness was simply uncharacteristic of women, or at least civilized women. Women were seen as more modest and more virtuous by nature. This was translated to mean that women would have quicker feelings of native delicacy and a stronger sense of shame than men, and that meant that women were sexually passive. In this sensibility women, given their lack of sexual impulses, appeared to be capable of higher spirituality than men. To be clear, the passions such women lacked were sexual passions. Such women were seen as basically without sexual desire, though they were certainly motivated by the passion of love, albeit non-erotic, as well as by religious passions.
However, it is important to stress that despite the fact that this might have been the dominant image of the acceptable women in the nineteenth century, it was a characterization only some women would emulate. The image of the passionless woman was typically reserved for women in the upper classes. It was particularly difficult, given the beliefs of the time, for working class women to be seen as spiritually and physically virtuous. Their lack of education and refinement, and the mere fact that they worked for a living were seen as rendered them less capable of achieving the higher spirituality of upper class women. But as difficult as it might be for a working class woman to achieve such a goal, appearing modest and without sexual passion was impossible for Black women or indeed most immigrant women because of the impact of racism.
While the theory of evolution was emerging in the 19th century it carried with it conceptions similar to earlier conceptions of the hierarchy of being. Typical hierarchies of being would list things based on their closeness in perfection to God in ways that might look like this:
God
Angels
Humans
Animals
Plants
Fire
Stone
However, within the category of “human” men were seen as higher in being than women, but not all men, and not all women. The effect of racism modified that hierarchy so that what came to be called social Darwinism ranked the evolutionary ladder. For example in Ernst Haeckel’s text The History of Creation from 1868, human and primate species were ranked according to a similar hierarchy of perfection:
1. “Indo-German"
2. "Chinese"
3. "Fuegian"
4. "Australian Negro"
5. "African Negro"
6. "Tasmanian"
7. Gorilla
8. Chimpanzee
9. Orangutan
10. Gibbon
11. proboscis monkey
12. mandrill
As explained above, the image of the passionless woman did not apply to Blacks or to some immigrant groups. But given the history of slavery in the United States, the impact on attitudes towards Blacks was particularly severe. This led to a general acceptance of the view that Black sexuality was hypersexual. Black women were associated with “fallen women” by nature and Black men were seen as having and uncontrollable sexual drive. These beliefs led to strict anti-miscegenation laws regulating marriages between Whites and other groups like Blacks. Black sexuality was thus marked as deviant and uncivilized.
The ideal of the passionless woman was a difficult ideal to achieve for some women, but impossible for others due to racism or class bias.
L04 Controlling Male Sexual Drive
The link between sex and mental illness as well as a growing recognition of sexually transmitted diseases let some, such as Sylvester Graham (1794-1851) and John Harvey Kellogg (1852-1943) to the conclusion that physical pleasure and especially sexual stimulation was to be limited as they were a threat to individuals, families, and society. Both Graham and Kellogg argued that it was important to avoid anything that would stimulate sexual desire, including alcohol and meat. Both invented foods designed to be wholesome and natural that would not be a stimulant. Graham, for example created the Graham cracker for this purpose with the belief that a wholesome diet would prevent sexual desire and masturbation. Kellogg had similar views about diet and invented Kellogg’s corn flakes to curb sexual impulses.
Kellogg in his Plain Facts for Old and Young advocated the importance of divorcing sexuality from sensuality. He argued that sex was an important aspect of marriage in that reproduction is part of God’s plan and a way to share in the divine power of creation. But he insisted that because human nature is prone to evil, particularly regarding the temptations of sex, men must limit the amount of sex they have. According to Kellogg, women, at least good women, do not experience sexual desire. They, nonetheless, should participate in sex as a marital obligation and to fulfill their maternal destiny. But he insisted that sex be no more than once a month. He was equally adamant about avoiding masturbation arguing that semen is a vital fluid which must be preserved. Because, he explained, loss of semen leads to physical and eventually mental weakness, masturbation and even nocturnal emissions are to be avoided. “If illicit commerce of the sexes is a heinous sin,” Kellogg wrote, “self-pollution is a crime doubly abominable.”
L04 The Oldest Profession
As we will discuss in the section devoted to sex work, sex work flourished in the US in the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. While the general consensus was that it would be better for a man to control his sexual urges, it was recognized that men’s sex drive was such that it was better for him to have outlets rather than impose them on his wife and risk her moral degeneration. Prostitution, as it was referred to at that time, came to be seen as a necessary evil. A man having sex with a sex worker was tolerated as a way to ensure that he did not impose himself overly much on his wife. However, those sex workers were as likely to be male sex workers as female sex workers.
Sex Drives
The view of men’s sex drive being high and the general view that sex within marriage needed to be severely limited led to the toleration of men having extra-marital sex, but never with a “good woman.” This resulted in an active trade in both women and men who worked as sex workers. New York City, for example, in the late nineteenth century had an active brothel scene that included a number of ‘hustler bars.’ Hustlers were men who charged to have sex with other men who at the time were often referred to as “Johns” or “Trade.” The latter were often men who wished to have sex without obligations or commitments, well, other than the exchange of cash.
In comparison, same-sex intimacies for women were accepted as romantic friendships. Because women were seen as not having an active sex drive, these relationships were assumed to be asexual and based rather on passionate friendship. For this reason, such relationships were not problematic nor was either of the women involved seen as deviant. But the relationship had to be seen as asexual in order for it to be acceptable.
Male Brothels
Paresis Hall was one of the Bowery nightclubs ( https://worldofwonder.net/lgbtqhistory-nycs-paresis-hall-shows-up-in-the-alienist-was-a-turn-of-the-century-fairy-resort/ ) that was a male brothel. It hosted the Cercle Hermaphroditis, which rented a room on the second story of the hall where members could store their women’s clothing and change before spending the evening downstairs. Paresis Hall also served as a social center, providing a sense of community and support for men whose sexuality was viewed as deviant by society.
Military men often did sex work when they were on leave because the money they could make for only a few days’ work was often significantly higher than their military pay. Some male sex workers displayed a very masculine appearance, while others displayed a feminine appearance or performed in what we would now call drag.
L04 Sexual Behavior versus Sexual Identity
As we see in the reading by Dean, between 1820 and 1860 a gender system of social organization overlaid same-sex and other-sex behaviors. “Normal” men were allowed to have sex with other men as long as they maintained both a traditional masculine display and the dominant penetrator role in sex. At this time it was believed that the only deviant partner was the man who would allow himself to be in the passive role in sex. Indeed, such men were expected to look and act feminine and always take the passive role in sex.
“Sexual behavior” refers to the types of sexual activities one engages in. The fact that some men had sex with other men, or some women had sex with other women, was not viewed during this period as evidence of a sexual identity. However, by the end of the nineteenth century, a shift in attitude began to develop, catalyzed by scientific conceptions of sexuality, to our more modern conception of individuals being born with a “sexual identity.” A sexual identity came to be seen as a crucial, defining part of one’s personality. It was seen as both innate and unchanging.
Sexual activity between men had indeed been seen as deviant; only sex within marriage was viewed as acceptable or “normal.” But there was no sense of a deviant identity, just deviant acts. The same view held concerning women’s relationships. They were often viewed as “normal” passionate friendships, unless their gender presentation was seen as inappropriate, that is, if one or both of them wore masculine attire.
L04 Construction of Homosexual (and Heterosexual identities) 1860-1890
As science began to become the dominant institution regulating sexuality, there was a corresponding shift from theories of sexual behavior to the view that each person has a sexual identity.
The new field of sexology and sex psychology held conceptions of sex that were often clear echoes of past views:
· Men are by nature polygamous, women monogamous
· Women are not very much troubled by sexual feeling
· Only men are sexually active, women are by nature sexually passive
· Sex not aimed at procreation is deviant
However, one of the emerging new conceptions was that of sexual identity. In the second half of the nineteenth century, the medical-psychiatric understanding of sex shifted from a focus on immoral acts, a temporary and correctable deviation from the norm, to the notion of an innate deviant condition. With the emergence of medical sexology, these deviant sexual identities began to be diagnosed and studied. The work of Richard von Krafft-Ebing (1840-1902), for example, ushered in a new conception of sexual identity, but one that referred not simply to those with “deviant” sexual identities. The conception of an inherent, unchanging sexual identity meant that those with non-deviant sexualities also have a sexual identity.
A second shift was the view, promulgated by theorists such as Sigmund Freud, that sexual desire’s primary aim is not procreation but rather pleasure and self-expression. With conceptions like this, our sexual identity becomes a social identity and refers to the ways we orient ourselves in many aspects of our life.
The terms that were used to refer to the respective sexual identities shifted over time. Initially sexologists used the term “invert” to refer to what they called an inborn reversal of gender traits. The term, “heterosexuality,” was coined in 1892 to define as pathological sexual desire not oriented toward reproduction. With time, our more modern distinctions between heterosexual and homosexual crystalized, along with the belief that people are born with a sexual identity which is either normal or deviant. The long-standing belief that same-sex sex is immoral or unnatural shifted with this new conceptualization to the belief that same-sex sex is a symptom of a psychic disease and constitutes a deviant sexual identity.
L04 Sexual Revolutions
The emergence of the conception of sexual identity and the formation of the sexual identity we have come to know as heterosexual developed in the US alongside a parallel gender and social order. Men were expected to have a very masculine appearance and comportment, while women were expected to display a very feminine appearance and comportment. Dichotomous gender differences came to be seen as “natural,” as inborn and unchangeable, with men naturally more aggressive and active and women naturally more nurturing and passive. These correlated with gender roles that themselves framed what counted as masculine or feminine, with women seen as by nature in the role of mother and home-maker and men as by nature in the role of providers.
With the emergence of the twentieth century a shift in attitudes and practices concerning sex began to emerge. The science of sexology presented sex as an important means for self-expression and pleasure. Questioning the image of women as passionless, young women began to pursue a different experience of sex, but one that formed within the parameters of the emerging conceptions of heterosexuality and homosexuality. As romantic friendships between women became suspect and medicalized, a new culture of same-sex sexual relationships began to emerge, which although championed as a choice by the early feminist movement, remained stigmatized even while a growing culture of sexual liberalism was emerging.
The theme of self-expression was a key element of the so-called “flappers,” middle-class women who embodied the various new “freedoms” experienced by women at the turn of the century. From the freedom to vote due to the passage of the 19th Amendment in 1920 to having income of their own due to more women joining the workforce, flappers participated in the redefinition of the look and role of women. They presented a view of women as both sexual and sexually active. See “How Flappers Redefined Womanhood ( https://www.history.com/news/flappers-roaring-20s-women-empowerment ).”
Sexual mores were also impacted by Working class women lodgers who while living away from home in boarding houses, often made so little in their jobs or had to contribute so much of their wages to their parents income, that the only way they could either make ends meet or have any type of leisure activities was to “trade” sexual relations for dates. While not considered sex workers, it was accepted that the night out on the town, the dinner and theater or dance hall would be paid for by the man, with the woman “thanking” him afterwards by having sex with him.
But the emerging sexual liberalism was much less liberal when it came to recent immigrants or Blacks. The association of Blacks and “foreigners” with sexual pathology such as hypersexuality, made it much more difficult for such groups to find acceptance no matter how their relationships manifested themselves.
L04 Shifting Attitudes
But with this rise of conservatism concerning homosexuality was a shift in attitudes concerning heterosexuality. With a rise of movies emphasizing erotic love and the publication of the first Playboy magazine in 1953, there is a shift in attitude, particularly toward bachelors. The image of the older (late 20s early 30s) bachelor shifted from that of suspicion (perhaps a ‘closet’ homosexual), to lucky and lustful heterosexuals, an image personified in life of Playboy’s editor, Hugh Hefner. Take a look at Playboy covers ( https://www.thedailybeast.com/60-years-of-playboy-the-most-iconic-playboy-covers-from-marilyn-monroe-to-kim-kardashian?ref=scroll
) and think about how women’s bodies have been sexualized over the years, and in particular, which women’s bodies. ) The website eBaum’s World (Links to an external site.) is another example to look at:
The period post WWII received a shocking revelation that would have an impact on attitudes toward sexualities in decades to come. The Kinsey Reports, two books on human sexual behavior based on personal interviews, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male published in 1948 and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female published in 1953, challenged conservative views about sex. Some of the findings:
68-90% of males and almost 50% of females had premarital sex
92% of males and 62% of females had at some point masturbated
37% of males and 13% of females had at least some overt homosexual experience to orgasm
50% of men and 26% of women had extra-marital sex
L04 “These times they are a-changin”: The 60s to the 80s
The period between the 1960s and 1980s is often referred to as the period of the “free love movement,” in which the view of sex as a source of self-fulfillment resurfaced and with it the view of sex as acceptable for pleasure’s sake alone. There was a growing acceptance of premarital sex and a growing acceptance of women’s active sexuality.
Sex during this period was eroticized. Couples were encouraged to find pleasure in sex, and to assist in that goal the 1970s was a time when sex manuals became popular in the “self-help” sections of bookstores. The Joy of Sex: A Gourmet Guide to Love Making published in 1972 became a New York Times best seller. Framed like a cookbook with starters and main courses, the book offered recipes and advice for a range of sexual practices and positions all designed to bring pleasure to sex and offering, at least to some readers, a range of sexual activities they hadn’t considered. Such manuals were in their initial versions often focused exclusively on heterosexual sex, though “companion” books for gay men, such as The Joy of Gay Sex: An Intimate Guide for Gay men to the Pleasures of a Gay Lifestyle (1977) and for lesbian women, The Joy of Lesbian Sex: A Tender and Liberated Guide to the Pleasures and Problems of a Lesbian Lifestyle (1977) were soon to follow. And with them the rise of an open gay and lesbian culture.
There was also a sexualization of the public realm as dating services begin to emerge and popular media shifted from a time when even married couples could not be depicted as sleeping in the same bed—the era of twin beds in the master bedroom—to increasingly explicit representations of sex on television and in the movies. The general public became more aware of the sex industry—topless dance halls became more ‘respectable’ and gay bathhouses were more in the public gaze.
The so-called “sexual revolution” would soon be fueled by other movements that had as their aim to stop forms of oppression and bias—the second wave of the feminist movement, the Black power movement, and the gay and lesbian liberation movement.
All of these various phenomena contributed to a significant shift in attitudes and practices regarding sex and love. The nineteenth century ideal of spiritual companionship transformed into the contemporary ideal of true love based on sexual fulfillment and idealized solidarity between the couple.
The nineteenth century desexualization of love and desensualization of sex was, by well before the end of the twentieth century, replaced by the sexualization of love and the sensualization of sex.
L04 Conclusion
Shifts in attitudes and practices concerning the relationship between love and marriage represent a key shift in the history of intimacy from the middle ages well into the seventeenth century. It was not until the expectation of individuals choosing who they would marry became the dominant practice that expectations of marrying for love became prevalent in the Western tradition. But the view that a loving relationship would also include a fulfilling sexual relationship was an even more modern conception, one that required a series of changes in beliefs, particularly concerning women’s sexuality.
The history of sex also reveals that the conception of a heterosexual identity, indeed of a sexual identity in general, is a relatively recent phenomenon, one that emerges at the same time as homosexual identity. What we see is that sexual identities are neither natural nor universal, but emerge in certain cultures at particular historical junctures. Nor are the conceptualizations of heterosexuality or homosexuality static. They have to do with cultural beliefs and practices and can often be impacted by social status.
https://www.doctornerdlove.com/when-its-love/all/1/
L05 Types of Love
To differentiate between aspects of romantic love, many scholars return to the Ancient Greeks to provide us with terms. These include:
· Ludus: Playful, uncommitted love
· Eros: Sexual, passionate love
· Mania: Overwhelming love
· Philia: Friendship
· Storge: Familial love
· Pragma: Love based on duty
· Agape: Universal love
Some of the terms and their meanings retain lines of influence from the Ancient Greeks, but others have been more recently coined in the psychological and popular literature.
L05 Ludus
This term comes from the Greek term for play. Ludic love is ideally spontaneous and undirected, having as its goal only pleasure and enjoyment. Ludus includes flirting and playful sexual banter. Those focused on ludic love are not looking for a long-term relationship or even emotional intimacy. There is often little concern over fidelity, for either partner. Many see it as a form of sport, to see how many “conquests” they can achieve. Indeed, the notion of “storming the citadel” that we saw earlier is one of the lineages here.
This conception of love in recent history in the US was popularized in the 60s with the “free love movement” as well as the advent of the Playboy ethos of Hugh Hefner. The figure of James Bond who ends each adventure in a different woman’s bed, is a good example of ludic love. The aim here is fun and when a partner is no longer fun to be with, they are left. Indeed, for many ludic lovers, the more partners, the better. That often means that the ludic lovers aren’t interested in commitments of any kind. They like to “play the field” and often aren’t upset when they aren’t the first to leave the relationship.
In a nutshell, ludic love is based on sexual passion and enjoyment. Some refer to it as “casual” sex or a hookup.
L05 Sidebar: Ludus and the Sexual Double Standard
In the previous lessons we talked about the existence of a sexual double standard in which women are more likely than men to be judged negatively for engaging in casual sex. Christina Aguilera in her song, Can't Hold Us Down, questions this double standard:
“If you look back in history
It's a common double standard of society
The guy gets all the glory, the more he can score
While the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore
I don't understand why it's okay
The guy can get away with it, the girl gets named”
Despite such protests, studies demonstrate that the sexual double standard continues to have an impact on the beliefs and values of young people in the United States. One recent study of attitudes of adolescents (Kreager and Staff, 2009) found that the association between the number of “sexual partnerships and peer status varies significantly by gender, such that greater numbers of sexual partners are positively correlated with boys’ peer acceptance, but negatively correlated with girls’ peer acceptance” (143).
The results of the study are represented in the following figure. Notice the significant differences are at the two ends of the pole—namely, having no sexual partners, which correlates with high peer acceptance for girls, but low peer acceptance for boys and having more than 8 sexual partners, which correlates with low peer acceptance for girls and high peer acceptance for boys.
L05 Sidebar: College Students and Casual Sex
If we turn to college students, we find that men in this group are significantly more judgmental toward women who have casual sex than toward men. College age women, in comparison, are equally likely to negatively judge either a man or a woman who hook up or have sex with a lot of people.
For example, a 2014 study (England and Bearak) that included over 12,000 college women and almost 5,500 college men reported the following results:
L05 Types of Love
As we discuss the various types of love, you will see that the demarcations between the types are not always clear. In fact, one type of love can blur into the other, or even, over time, change into the other. But getting a sense of the different types of love helps to differentiate between the various types of relationships you might experience.
Eros
The second type of love on our list is eros, named after the Ancient Greek god of love, eros refers to erotic love. The Ancient Greeks referred to such love as a form of “madness” brought about by one of Cupid’s arrows. This form of love is highly sensual, intense, and passionate. While the intensity of eros is often physical, with a high desire for sexual intimacy, it can also be accompanied by an intensity of emotional reactions as well such as the feeling of “falling in love” where all one thinks about is their beloved.
Erotic love is typically focused on physical desire and physical attraction, but unlike ludic love is accompanied by intense feelings of joy and elation and intense feelings of emotional attraction.
Mania
Sometimes the “madness” of love becomes obsessive. The Greeks referred to this form of love as mania. The Greeks were wary of this form of love in that it often signaled a loss of control, a state in which we are overtaken by our desires.
We often refer to this form of love as infatuation. Indeed, what we call infatuation is often signaled by a feeling of all-consuming euphoria in which one spends the majority of their time: Desiring to be with the other; thinking about the other; daydreaming about time with the other;
having erotic fantasies about the other. These are often intrusive, non-voluntary fantasies or reenactments of time together. You know that you should be studying for the exam, but all you can think of is….
This type of high intensity love is often based on an idealized image of the other. It can also involve acute longing for reciprocation and a high desire to be together. Not all the feelings of infatuation are positive. While some involve feelings of ecstasy, others are more like despair. They can involve what many refer to as an “aching of the heart,” as well as feelings of anxiety, particularly that the love might not be reciprocated, and high levels of fear of rejection by the beloved. It is also often accompanied by feelings of possessiveness and jealousy.
Philia
The Ancient Greeks used the term, philia, to refer to the strong bond of friendship. This form of love, love of friends, is based on knowledge of the other and is often based on shared values, interests, and activities. For the Greeks, for philia to be strong and enduring, it had to be based on good character. For it is through loving one who is of good character that we are inspired to be our best selves.
While the loving bond of friendship can be deep, it is typically experienced without the sexual desire of erotic love. Since the 2011 movie with the same name, the term, friend with benefits has become a popular way to signal friendships between individuals who agree to have “no strings attached” sex. Here philia combines with ludus, or at least that’s the plan.
Storge
Storge refers to love that is based on caring and companionship. This is a love that involves tenderness, and affection. It is often slow in developing, unlike the typical “quick onset” of erotic love. It is often based on shared interests and shared experiences. Storge love is often reflected in a person being able to “finish the sentences” of the other. It is a love that is based on a clear sense of the other and an enjoyment of the other. The bond is strengthened through emotional sharing as well as empathy. Storge love typically involves a deep trust of the other and of the relationship.
Pragma
While the term, pragma, or practical love, was not a category we borrow from the Greeks, modern conceptions of love include it to refer to love based on commitment and cooperation. Typically, those whose love fits into this category have picked a partner with whom they share values and life-goals. A common feature of pragma lovers is cooperation to create the type of life they value together. Pragma love often involves making compromises to ensure that the relationship will work smoothly over time and typically involves patience and tolerance. Those in pragma love relationships also view having a loving relationship as a key component of living a happy life. But they also believe that sustaining a loving relationship requires work, commitment, and reciprocity.
The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we expend too much energy on “falling in love” and need to learn more how to “stand in love.”
Agape
The ancient Greeks used the term agape to refer to instances of unconditional love, typically love of parents for children, but also in reference to the unbreakable commitment of marriage. The term in more recent history was deployed by Christianity to refer to universal love, such as the love of God for creation, an unconditional love free of desires and expectations.
This form of love is seen as selfless love, love that is constant and unchanging.
L05 Types of Marriages
When we think of marriages there are three types or, you might say, three components, that can be present in a marriage relationship:
· Legal
· Personal
· Religious
The Legal Institution of Marriage
The legal institution of marriage in the US has changed over time. In the nineteenth century marriage was seen as having four interlinked legal components:
1. Marriage united a man and a woman giving them a singular identity;
2. Marriage transformed men and women into husbands and wives;
3. Marriage produced a public relationship, the terms of which were not negotiable by the parties;
4. Marriage effected a permanent transformation, one that would continue as long as both husband and wife survived.
While we still see legal marriage as transforming a man and a woman into a husband and wife, we no longer see it as creating a “singular identity.” A wife and a husband are currently seen as two different individuals who have contracted to share a life together. In doing so they will acquire legal and social privileges as well as certain duties and responsibilities, but one remains an individual, just one that is married.
Nineteenth-Century to Modern Times
In the nineteenth-century becoming a husband or wife meant a permanent change to one’s identity. All husbands had certain responsibilities as did all wives. For example, a married woman in the nineteenth century could not keep her property separate from that of her husband. Upon marriage all property became common property and was under the control of the husband. The husband in turn had a binding legal responsibility to support their wife and family. These responsibilities were binding on all husbands and on all wives.
Today one can create a binding legal contract, a prenuptial agreement or even a postnuptial agreement, that can divide property or even responsibilities of the parties. Not so in the nineteenth century where it was not possible to legally alter the terms of the marriage relationship. Nor could a wife sue in her own name or even legally live apart from her husband for any reason whatsoever, even if he was abusive.
Limitations on who one can marry as well as the responsibilities of spouses have loosened over time. And divorce laws have loosened as well. Individual states, however, still regulate the age at which one can marry without parental and/or judicial consent.
L05 Marriage as a Contract
A marriage contact is, nonetheless, a legal contract, but one regarding which most people don’t read the “fine print.” Marriage contracts once varied significantly across states concerning whom one could marry (or not marry) and even regarding marital responsibilities and privileges. Other than age of consent, there is now less variation across the states, but states do nonetheless differ regarding property distribution. Getting married does change one’s legal status concerning:
· Joint or marital property—namely everything either of you earned or acquired during your marriage unless you agree otherwise, but there are differences depending on whether you live in a common law state, that allows married individuals to hold property separate from their spouse unless the property is specifically put in the name of both spouses, or a community property state, where any money earned by either spouse during marriage and all property bought with those earnings are considered community property that is owned equally by both spouses. The following states are community property states: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin.
· Debt can also become the responsibility of both spouses, particularly in community property states
· A spouse can also have legal rights to a spouse’s retirement account
· Both spouses have a legal obligation to support children resulting from the marriage
· They also can incur certain tax benefits
· And share benefits such as healthcare and social security
· Marriage can also impact citizenship through naturalization
L05 Personal and Religious Components of Marriage
Many people, in addition to the legal aspect of marriage, wish to create their own ceremonies or even their own vows, as well as to create traditions that will include family and friends in the recognition and celebration of their partnership. Celebrations of anniversaries are an example of this.
Personal Marriage
But others for various reasons, from not wanting the limitations of legal marriage or having a relationship that isn’t recognized by the state, may elect only a personal marriage. This is one that will not be legally recognized, but is a way to share one’s commitment and one’s love with family and friends.
Fineman in her article on marriage refers to the many individual meanings of marriage:
Marriage, to those involved in one, can mean a legal tie, a symbol of commitment, a privileged sexual affiliation, a relationship of hierarchy and subordination, a means of self-fulfillment, a social construct, a cultural phenomenon, a religious mandate, an economic relationship, the preferred unit for reproduction, a way to ensure against poverty and dependence on the state, a way out of the birth family, the realization of a romantic ideal, a natural or divine connection, a commitment to traditional notions of morality, a desired status that communicates one’s sexual desirability to the world, or a purely contractual relationship in which each term is based on bargaining. (34)
Religious Acknowledgement
Some who marry also want their marriage to be acknowledged by their religion and will request that the marriage be performed by a religious official and/or sanctified by their religion. Legal marriages need not have a religious component and one can have a religious marriage without a legal marriage. The two can be combined, of course, and often are, but only if the religious official presiding over the marriage is licensed or ordained and those being marriage have obtained a marriage license and that license has been signed, witnessed, and filed.
L05 Divorce
While few would prefer that their marriage ends in divorce, most of us know people who have divorced. Attitudes toward divorce have sifted profoundly in the last century from being almost unknown and generally condemned to becoming much more common and, while often regrettable, socially acceptable.
While society’s ideal conception of love in marriage might be:
· Eros—sexually and emotionally passionate love
· Storge—love based on caring and companionship
· Pragma—love based on commitment and duty
· Agape—unconditional love
Many discover that marital love isn’t unconditional. Sometimes partners do things that change how we feel about them. Or with time, people change and grow away from one another. Or other commitments come to be more important than the commitments to the relationship. Or the erotic passions of early love fade and dissatisfactions set in.
L05 Conclusion
We will continue our explorations of marriage and discuss relationship dynamics in the next section. Here we have considered contemporary conceptions of love as well as different types of love. As you work through the different conceptions of love, be sure to think about how historical lineages continue to impact attitudes. For example, how a sexual double standard seems to still be actively in play concerning ludic love. Or think about how our contemporary conceptions of love are similar to as well as different from the conceptions of love dominant in the nineteenth century.
We have begun to reflect on how, despite the country’s highest court repeatedly affirming that marriage is a fundamental right, certain types of marriage have been prohibited. As you think about the reasons that have been given for banning marriage between people of different races or between people of the same sex, think about how past views about sex or beliefs about the role of marriage might still be impacting contemporary conceptions.