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12/15/22, 1:45 PM Incest and its Prevalence in American Society | by Madelyn Joy | Medium
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Apr 7, 2020 · 12 min read · Listen
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Incest and its Prevalence in American Society
Childhood sexual abuse runs ramped in the United States, with one in three girls reporting abuse before the age of eighteen, and one in seven boys, (Schmutzer 68). Sixty percent of rapes are reported to occur in ones own home. Thirty-seven percent reporting abuse by a parent and an additional twenty-three percent by a stepparent, (Schmutzer 6). “Shockingly it is estimated that more than 90 percent of all childhood sexual abuse is perpetrated by family members, friends of family members, or other individuals that children know,” (Schumutzer 15). It is difficult to define incestuous sexual abuse because of its broad definition but commonly it involves non-consensual sexual contact be it non-physical force (manipulation or control), violence, entrapment, and secrecy (Schmutzer 28). The statistics are overwhelming, American society must be educated and do everything possible to prevent abuse and aid survivors and their families in healing.
A great deal has to be done to end the stigma around sexual abuse; victims need to know that if they come forward they will be empowered. They deserve the confidence12
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12/15/22, 1:45 PM Incest and its Prevalence in American Society | by Madelyn Joy | Medium
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that they will be protected, justified, and encouraged. Sexual abuse shakes a person to their core, and without proper healing the ramifications will last a lifetime. Psychology has shown the extreme damage of being abused by a close friend or family member, “The most devastating form of traumatic stress therefore clearly occurs when caregivers, our intrinsic safe haven, the providers of our basic sense of boundaries, become the existential threat,” (Scaer 5). Just as Jesus Christ was beaten and betrayed by his own people, victims of incest have been abused by the very ones they should have been able to trust. One must understand common trends among abusive families to know what to look for in order to prevent and protect children from abuse.
It is important to address that there are many very real and compelling reasons abuse goes unreported, it may have to do with threats, shame, religion, or loyalty to loved ones. When a family’s sense of normal is destructive a child rarely knows anything is wrong, they accept it as normal and find their place amongst the distortion, to feel as though they belong (Schmutzer 17). Commonly the first cause is that the father of the family had a poor father figure himself. Unless intentionally broken, the cycle will continue. If his father was around it is likely that he was abusive, as a result the son now finds himself abusing his own family. “In order to gain some control, he may seek comfort in pornography and other secretive sexual pastimes rather than developing intimacy and open communication within the spousal subsystem,” (Shmutzer 20). This distorts his view of sex and he may seek gratification of perverse fantasies through abuse of his own children, or other children in his extended family.
There are two prominent categories of families who experience sexual abuse, repressed families and sexualized families. In a repressed family any communication about topics relating to sex is considered inappropriate. Family members are not to talk about sexuality with each other or to seek external support. The abuser in a repressed family will commonly be “perceived by those outside the family system as respectable, hard-working family man, often with strict religious and moral standards,” (Schmutzer 21). Despite this frequency they are not generally who we think of as being abusers. Commonly the mother will be distracted as she deals with her own problems, as a result the oldest daughter steps into the mothers role. A “special relationship” grows between the father and daughter and this may lead to a crossing of boundaries. “This role reversal between mother and daughter contributes to estrangement and jealousy between them,” (Schmutzer 21). The emotional bond grows deeper between
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the daughter and father, leading to inappropriate sexual relations, the daughter is then left feeling alone, no one in her family will help and she cannot speak of it in the outside world.
In the sexualized family, sexual innuendoes are joked about. Girls are taught to use their sexuality and boys are taught that “sexual conquests” are pride; “Males are taught a lack of respect for females,” (Schmutzer 22). The mother commonly turns to denial, especially if she herself has experienced sexual abuse. She may become scared and mad at her husband and chose to refuse sex, as a result the daughter is left to “fulfill” his needs (Schmutzer 23). The child feels completely abandoned by both parents with nowhere to seek refuge. The mother must choose where to show her loyalty. This is not only the struggle of mothers but siblings, cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and others in the family who must choose a side. Specifically in a tightly knit family this has the power to tear everyone apart. The mother is “forced to choose between two family members and the two most vital roles on which she may base her identity — her role of spouse/partner and that of mother. Entering into this decision is the duty she may feel toward her marriage,” (Schumtzer 23). A mother will commonly make her decision for what she believes to be the betterment of the entire family system, thinking about the challenges of single parenting and the economic struggle. This may mean that abuse will continue, potentially for years, in order to maintain “homeostasis” within the family system, (Schmutzer 23).
“A child whose boundaries are evolving, ebbing and flowing with new life experiences is especially vulnerable to traumatic stress. We are taught from infancy by means of word, inference, or simple behavior that our sexual expression constitutes the most private and central part of our self, and therefore represents the most vulnerable zone of our boundary awareness.” (Scaer 5).
The results of sexual abuse, especially when perpetrated by someone who was supposed to be trustworthy, can last a lifetime. The effects are psychological, relational, and spiritual. While not every survivor suffers from PTSD almost all will experience some of the symptoms. Likely childhood trauma will result in anniversary reactions, a distrust of authority, and triggers. Often the triggers will cause them to relive the event, not simply remember it; they truly feel as though it is happening. A child will almost always take on the guilt that the abuse was their fault, and feel shame
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as if there is something wrong with them. “Pain turns into suffering when we try to ignore it with brute force,” (Bosier 65). Often a child does not know that they should, or how to, deal with their hurt as a result they begin down a long road of suffering. Victims of continued abuse experience a numbing. They are forced to regress to a primitive mental state. Frankl experienced this coping technique among prisoners of concentration camps saying, “The prisoner who had passed into the second stage of his psychological reaction did not avert his eyes anymore,” (34). That which may have been horrifying at one time has become the new normal. As a result when someone is brought to freedom they may justify terrible behavior by their experiences. “Being free, they thought they could use their freedom licentiously and ruthlessly. The only thing that had changed for them was that they were now the oppressor instead of the oppressed,” (Frankl 97). This is commonly seeing in children, and even adults who lash out creating a cycle of abuse.
The relational effects of incest are overwhelming. Abuse commonly causes one to loose their own boundaries, they are easily distracted preventing deep connection, and distrust everyone. “When a victims boundaries have been crossed they can believe they have a right to cross others boundaries,” (Bosier 49). Most people are not drawn to someone who does not respect them; as a result a victim has few close relationships. Bowley works for Wellspring helping girls of sexual abuse she says,
“Usually a family member or friend stole her innocence by the time she was eight years old, abusing her emotionally, physically, and sexually. Maybe even took her words and twisted them to make her look bad. During and after the abuse, the abuser said he cared and that he was there to help, but instead he only brought pain. He may have been her father or boyfriend. The first social lesson that victims of sexual abuse learn is that people who proclaim good intentions may actually hurt them the most” (113).
Childhood is foundational for development, when someone’s boundaries are crossed they need to rewrite what healthy relationships look like. “Trust is very difficult to establish because many times it is her mom or dad or uncle or cousin who have abused or exploited her. When the very people a young girl should be able to trust violate her, how can she believes that a stranger has good intentions?” (Bowley 117). Many will experience struggles in their future marriages. In Growing Strong Daughters McMinn accounts the struggle of her friend who as a survivor of abuse, struggled with intimacy
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in the first couple month of marriage, she says, “Discomfort with sex reflect the distortion of our sexuality. To seek help if we find ourselves disgusted unable to enjoy the pleasure of sex is to seek wholeness,” (134). It is important that we embrace survivors who are struggling with their sexuality, erasing stigmas around acceptance of our sexuality.
The spiritual ramifications are significant. Separation from body and soul is not possible; as a result the survivor feels shame and brokenness (Schmutzer 72). Particularly when religion is involved the victim feels dirty and shameful, unworthy and embarrassed in who they are before God. The survivor numbs everything until they feel a dead confusion around the abuse. “Instead of someone filled with love and hate, desire and anger, hope and doubt; he had become a passive victim unable to give any direction to his history,” (Nouwen 66). As noted earlier sexuality is a part of our very being. We cannot separate what has been done to our bodies from who we are, and children generally place the guilt on themselves. Even as adults looking back on the situation one remembers it through the lens of their childhood. If one remembers the fault to be their own, it is difficult to rewrite. We must fight for survivors, helping them understand that they were victims but they can find healing.
Often when someone is sexually abused by a family member it did not appear overnight. The perpetrator has been “grooming” the victim for years. Creating a close relationship with secrecy, then initiating appropriate physical touch to build trust, and then they move onto abuse (Schmutzer 32). Because of this brain washing technique the victim takes shame that it was their fault. It takes a community surrounding the survivor to rewrite their ideas of sexuality and shame. Peer support and support of other survivors is needed, SMAHAS says, “peer support and mutual self-help are key vehicles for establishing safety and hope, building trust, enhancing collaboration, and utilizing their stories and lived experiences to promote recovery and healing,” (11). A victim has been isolated in shame and needs a community to surround them and pull them out from the pit. “Collaborating in the best interest of the sex trafficking survivors sends a new message: her new community is different, and this new community recognizes her value,” (Bowley 153). Through the love of a community and the opportunity to express past trauma a survivor can begin to heal rewriting their boundaries, self-worth, and relational skills.
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“We must face the enormous task of teaching families healthy ways of relating, both through family therapy and the preventative means of family life education,” (Schmutzer 25). If families would understand how to build a healthy foundation, one where each unit has a clear and appropriate place of belonging, incest would be significantly less relevant in our society. Tragically incest has been occurring since the beginning of time, and it really has not been until recently that it is being addressed. Greek mythology taught incest, Roman and Egyptian cultures promoted incest, and in the middle ages children were viewed as property to fulfill ones sexual desires. The Jesuits are credited with stressing the personhood of a child, trying to end sex between adults and children (Schmutzer 29). Just as culture taught inappropriate ideas of sexuality until someone stood up against it, incest is a cycle that must be broken.
“Child molesters often have a history of adverse family relations, along with poor attachment patterns. Relationally they are considered incompetent in regard to interactions with the opposite sex,” (Schmutzer 30). Commonly a family with sexual abuse is father-dominant, mother-dominant, or disorganized (Shmutzer 31). With either a distant father or mother the family system is thrown off balance, with people stepping into roles they do not belong in. With a disorganized family there is often substance abuse and neglect, the responsibly is given to the children, again throwing off the system and opening the door for the father to become their “nurturer” (Shumtzer 31). Families that are going through extended periods of upset to the natural order of the system must seek help. Through counseling and community, a family can find equilibrium before anything horrible transpires.
When sexual abuse occurs in a family it is common for people to expect forgiveness, because there is supposed to be love and unity within a family. For example if an uncle abuses his niece it is often expected that she along with her parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, and all others in the family will forgive him. Obviously he did something wrong, but if he apologize a good Christian family is supposed to forgive and, according to culture, hide the fault. While forgiveness is foundational to healing, it should not be expected to quickly. It may take time for a victim and her loved ones to forgive the abuser. Reconciliation is different then forgiveness. While Christ teaches that we must forgive he does not require a restoration of the relationship. “Depending on the situation related to the abuser, some types of reconciliation might occur, but not often, and not without a great deal of internal conflict. Reconciliation is only
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appropriate when the abuser is repentant,” (Bosier 51). Even if reconciliation occurs it is important to be wise, in almost all situations children should not be left alone with a perpetrator, even after forgiveness.
Whenever there is sexual abuse many more are affected then the victim, this is especially true in incest.
“The reality, however, is that if one family member has a problem, healing is needed throughout the family. As humans we are undeniably interconnected. We need each other to survive and thrive. The concept of community is that we all rely on one another for healthy living, so a girl’s family and friends are affected by the destruction she experiences, and can also play a significant part in helping her to recover.” (Bowler 147)
When a family experiences sexual abuse the system has been disrupted and many are hurt. Going back to the example of an uncle and his niece, every person in that family will evaluate their relationship to the uncle, particularly his other nieces. The survivor cannot be left to heal on her own because the rest of the family is focused on themselves, when a community is hurt it cannot overemphasize individual experience. While each must heal on their own they also must acknowledge their need for community, pouring out extra love and support to the victim. The trauma cannot be swept under the rug to try and erase embarrassment in the community; the hurt must be dealt with.
Sexual abuse does not affect the victim just once; they relive the trauma and endure the ramifications again and again. Our society, specifically within the Christian context, has put a stigma around sexuality and shame so that a survivor often feels isolated. We must fight to end the culture of shame by believing, supporting, and empathizing with survivors. Psalm 146: 7–9 tells us, “Who executes justice for the oppressed; who gives food to the hungry the LORD sets the prisoner free. The LORD opens the eyes of the blind; The LORD raises up those who are bowed down; the LORD loves the righteous; The LORD protects the strangers, He supports the fatherless and the widow, but He thwarts the way of the wicked” (NASB). It may take time for a survivor to trust and open up to receive help but with patience we can show them the love and healing that only comes through Jesus Christ!
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Work Cited
Holly Bosier. Introduction to Issues of Sexual Abuse. Introduction to Issues of Sexual Abuse, Class Notes.
McMinn, Lisa Grahm. Growing strong daughters: encouraging girls to become all they’re meant to be. pp. 128–148, Baker Books, 2007.
Nouwen, Henri J.M. The wounded healer: ministry in contemporary society. Darton, Longman & Todd, 2014.
New American Standard Bible Updated Edition. NASB ed., The Lockman Foundation, 2010.
“SAMHAS’S Concept of Trauma and Guidance For a Trauma Informed Approached.” SAMHAS’S Trauma and Justice Strategic Initiative , July 2014, pp. 2–18., http://store.samhasa.gov.
Scaer, Robert C. The body bears the burden: trauma, dissociation, and disease. Routledge, 2014.
Schmutzer, Andrew J. “Spiritual Formation and Sexual Abuse: Embodiment, Community, and Healing.” Spiritual Formation and Soul, vol. 2, no. 1, 2009, pp. 67–87. Biola University.
Sexual Assault Sexual Abuse Incest Family Domestic Violence
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