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Instructor’s Manual

for

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER” FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

with

INSOO KIM BERG, MSSW

Randall C. Wyatt, PhD

Eileen Flanagan, MA

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

The Instructor’s Manual accompanies the DVD “I’d hear laughter”: Finding Solutions for the Family (Institutional/Instructor’s Version). Video available at www.psychotherapy.net.

Published by Psychotherapy.net 150 Shoreline Highway, Ste 1 Mill Valley, CA Email: contact@psychotherapy.net Phone: (800) 577-4762 (US & Canada) / (415)332-3232

Teaching and Training: Instructors, training directors and facilitators using the Instructor’s Manual for the DVD “I’d hear laughter”: Finding Solutions for the Family may reproduce parts of this manual in paper form for teaching and training purposes only. Otherwise, the text of this publication may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior written permission of the publisher, Psychotherapy.net. The DVD “I’d hear laughter”: Finding Solutions for the Family (Institutional/Instructor’s Version) is licensed for group training and teaching purposes. Broadcasting or transmission of this video via satellite, Internet, video conferencing, streaming, distance learning courses or other means is prohibited without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Wyatt, Randall C., PhD & Eileen Flanagan, MA

Instructor’s Manual for “I’d hear laughter”: Finding Solutions for the Family with Insoo Kim Berg, MSSW

Cover design by Jeff Cooper

Order Information and Continuing Education Credits: For information on ordering and obtaining continuing education credits for this and other psychotherapy training videos, please visit us at

www.psychotherapy.net or call 800-577-4762.

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Instructor’s Manual for

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

with Insoo Kim Berg, MSSW

Table of Contents Tips for Making the Best Use of the DVD 5

Berg’s Approach to Solution-Focused Therapy 9

Reaction Paper for Classes and Training 11

Suggestions for Further Readings, Websites and Videos 13

Group Discussion Questions 15

Complete Transcript 19

First session 19

Introduction by Berg 19

Family Therapy Session 21

second session 43

Introduction by Berg 43

Family Therapy Session 44

conclusion 61

Earn Continuing Education Credits for Watching Videos 65

About the Contributors 67

More Psychotherapy.net Videos 68

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

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Tips for Making the Best Use of the DVD

1. USE THE TRANSCRIPTS Make notes in the video Transcript for future reference; the next time you show the video you will have them available. Highlight or notate key moments in the video to better facilitate discussion during the video and post-viewing.

2. PREPARE VIEWER’S BEFOREHAND Share information with viewers from the section Berg’s Approach to Solution-Focused Therapy so that they have a sense of where Berg is coming from in this session and where she is going.

3. GROUP DISCUSSION QUESTIONS Pause the video at different points to elicit viewers’ observations and reactions to the concepts presented. The Discussion Questions provide ideas about key points that can stimulate rich discussions and learning.

4. LET IT FLOW Allow the session to play out some so viewers can appreciate the work over time instead of stopping the video too often. It is best to watch the video in its entirety since issues untouched in earlier parts often play out later. Encourage viewers to voice their opinions; no therapy is perfect! What do viewers think works and does not work in the session? We learn as much from our mistakes as our successes and it is crucial for students and therapists to develop the ability to effectively critique this work as well as their own.

5. SUGGEST READINGS TO ENRICH VIDEO MATERIAL Assign readings from Suggestions for Further Readings and Websites prior to viewing. You can also time the video to coincide with other course or training materials on related topics.

6. ASSIGN A REACTION PAPER See suggestions in Reaction Paper section.

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

7. ROLE-PLAY IDEAS After watching the video, organize participants into groups of three or more. Assign each group to role-play a family therapy session using Berg’s solution-focused therapy approach. The clients may resemble those in the video, or you can create different scenarios, and you can even have players switch roles if time permits. As a basic instruction, suggest to therapists that after quickly identifying the client’s problem, worry or complaint, they focus in on the client’s strengths, exceptions to the problem, and what has worked in the past. Or they can try using the Miracle Question. Encourage them to help clients shift away from the blaming and accusations associated with the past. See Berg’s Approach to Solution-Focused Therapy in this manual for a brief review of how she works. After the role- plays, have the groups come together to discuss the exercise. First have the clients share their experiences and then have the therapists talk about their experiences in the session. What did participants find challenging about the focus on strengths and what is working instead of on problems? Finally, open up a general discussion on what participants learned about solution- focused therapy with families.

An alternative is to do this role-play in front of the whole group with one therapist and one client family; the entire group can observe, acting as the advising team to the therapist. Before the end of the session, have the therapist take a break, get feedback from the observation team, and bring it back into the session with the clients. Other observers might jump in if the therapist gets stuck. Follow up with a discussion that explores what does and does not seem effective about Berg’s approach.

8. WATCH INSOO WORK This video is one of several in Psychotherapy.net’s collection that feature Insoo Kim Berg demonstrating her approach to solution-focused therapy with individual, couple and family clients. By sharing several of these videos with your audience, you give them an opportunity to develop a deeper and more

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thorough understanding of how Insoo applies her model in different therapy contexts. If you have viewers write a Reaction Paper – see in this manual – have them address commonalities and differences how Insoo applies her model to working with these different kinds of clients.

More Videos with Insoo: In this video, “I’d hear laughter”: Finding Solutions for the Family, Insoo demonstrates solution-focused therapy with a family consisting of two parents and their teenage daughter. Watch her work with an individual adult female client in Solution Focused Therapy with Insoo Kim Berg, MSSW, and with a couple in Irreconcilable Differences: A Solution-Focused Approach to Marital Therapy.

9. PERSPECTIVE ON VIDEOS AND THE PERSONALITY OF THE THERAPIST Psychotherapy portrayed in videos is less off-the-cuff than therapy in practice. Therapists or clients in videos may be nervous, putting their best foot forward, or trying to show mistakes and how to deal with them. Therapists may also move more quickly than is typical in everyday practice to demonstrate a technique. The personal style of a therapist is often as important as their techniques and theories. Thus, while we can certainly pick up ideas from master therapists, participants must make the best use of relevant theory, technique and research that fits their own personal style and the needs of their clients.

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

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Berg’s Approach to Solution-Focused Therapy

Insoo Kim Berg’s approach is founded on the premise that clients come to us equipped with solutions to their problems. It is the therapist’s role to guide clients towards their own strengths and resources to solve the problem. In a family therapy context, solutions are generated by the family members. themselves and are not imposed on the family by the therapist. Berg’s experience is that within this context, the solutions tend to be long lasting and can take effect quickly.

Berg structures her family therapy sessions into two parts. Initially she asks a lot of what she calls strange questions: these questions ask about exceptions to the problem and times when the problem is not occurring. With techniques such as the miracle question and scaling, clients have the opportunity to imagine their solution already in place. Typically, once she has asked all of the questions, she takes a consultation break, then returns to the family and delivers a message that includes validation of the clients’ point of view and assigning them a task. In subsequent sessions, she will work to amplify the positive changes they have already started to implement.

Berg’s approach is collaborative and works with the existing strengths of the family. She helps the family generate solutions, supports them in this process, helps to amplify the positive changes, and gives credit to the family for their solution. Berg argues that this approach respects the self-esteem of the client and results in enduring change.

EXAMPLES OF SOLUTION-FOCUSED TECHNIQUES: Miracle Question: Suppose that one night, while you were asleep, there was a miracle and this problem was solved. How would you know? What would be different? What would the first signs be that the miracle occurred?

Scaling Questions: On a scale of one to 10, where 10 is the day after the miracle, and 1 is when this situation was at its worst, where would

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

you say things are today? On a scale from one to 10, with one being when the problems were just before you made the call and 10 being the problem is solved and a thing of the past, what number would you give where you’re at now? What will tell you that you have moved up one notch? What number will tell you that you have made enough progress in solving this problem that you can consider it solved?

On a scale from one to 10, with 1 being absolutely no hope and 10 being complete confidence, what number would you give your current level of hope? What will tell you that your score has gone up some? What number will be high enough to warrant your working hard to try and change things?

Exception Questions: These questions help shift the clients’ attention towards the times when the presenting problem is not operating in their life. For example:

Are there any times in the past when this has not been a problem? Times when you have been able to overcome it?

Describe to me some things that happen in your relationship that you want to continue to have happen.

Coping Questions: These questions both acknowledge the difficulty and painfulness of some situations and also highlight clients’ contributions to their resiliency. The therapist can show genuine curiosity and admiration that emphasizes strengths without dismissing the clients view of reality:

How have the two of you managed to keep going? Given the terrible situation, how bad the arguing has been, how is it that you have been able to avoid it getting even worse?

I can see that you have really been struggling, yet I am struck by the fact you still manage to get up each morning and do everything necessary to get to work and take care of your kids. How do you do that?

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Reaction Paper for Classes and Training

Video: “I’d hear laugher”: Finding Solutions for the Family with Insoo Kim Berg, MSSW

• Assignment: Complete this reaction paper and return it by the date noted by the facilitator.

• Suggestions for Viewers: Take notes on these questions while viewing the video and complete the reaction paper afterwards, or use the questions as a way to approach the discussion. Respond to each question below.

• Length and Style: 2-4 pages double-spaced. Be brief and concise. Do NOT provide a full synopsis of the video. This is meant to be a brief reaction paper that you write soon after watching the video—we want your ideas and reactions.

What to Write: Respond to the following questions in your reaction paper:

1. Key points: What stands out in how Berg works with this family? Note any key or turning point interventions. What important points did you learn about solution- focused therapy, or about family therapy in general?

2. What I found most helpful: What was most beneficial to you as a therapist about the model presented? What tools or perspectives did you find helpful and might you use in your own work? What challenged you to think about something in a new way?

3. What does not make sense: What principles/techniques/ strategies did not make sense to you? Did anything push your buttons or bring about a sense of resistance in you, or just not fit with your own style of working? Explore these questions.

4. How I would do it differently: What might you have done differently than Berg did in the therapy sessions in the video? Be specific in what different approaches, strategies and techniques you might have applied.

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

5. Other Questions/Reactions: What questions or reactions did you have as you viewed the therapy in the video? Other comments, thoughts or feelings?

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Suggestions for Further Readings, Websites and Videos

BOOKS Berg, I. K. & Dolan, Y. (2001). Tales of solutions: A collection of hope-

inspiring stories. New York: W.W. Norton & Co.

Berg, I. K. (1994). Family based services: A solution-focused approach. New York: W.W. Norton & Co.

de Shazer, S. & Dolan, Y. (2007). More than miracles: The state of the art of solution-focused brief therapy. Binghamton, NY: Haworth Press.

DeJong, P., & Berg, I. K. (2007). Interviewing for solutions (3rd ed). Florence, KY: Brooks Cole.

O’Connell, B. and Palmer, S. (eds) (2003). Handbook of solution- focused therapy. London: Sage Publications, Ltd.

Thomas, F. and Nelson, T. (eds) (2006). Handbook of solution-focused brief therapy: Clinical applications. Philadelphia, PA: The Haworth Press, Inc.

WEB RESOURCES Psychotherapy.net interview with Insoo Kim Berg

www.psychotherapy.net

A Tribute to Insoo Kim Berg

www.sfbta.org/insookimberg.html

John Murphy’s website, specializing in SFBF with children and families

www.drjohnmurphy.com

The Solution Focused Brief Therapy Association

www.sfbta.org

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

The European Brief Therapy Association

www.ebta.nu

Downloadable Solution Focused Therapy

Treatment Manual for Working with Individuals

www.sfbta.org/Research.pdf

RELATED VIDEOS AVAILABLE AT WWW.PSYCHOTHERAPY.NET Irreconcilable Differences: A Solution-Focused Approach to Marital Therapy – Insoo Kim Berg

Solution-Focused Therapy with Insoo Kim Berg, MSSW – Insoo Kim Berg

Solution-Focused Child Therapy –John Murphy

Adolescent Family Therapy –Janet Sasson Edgette

Family Secrets: Implications for Theory and Therapy –Evan Imber-Black

Making Divorce Work: A Clinical Approach to the Binuclear Family –Constance Ahrons

Narrative Therapy with Children –Stephen Madigan

Psychotherapy with Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Clients, Program 3: Relationships, Families and Couples Counseling –Ron Scott (Producer)

Tools and Techniques for Family Therapy –John Edwards

The Legacy of Unresolved Loss: A Family Systems Approach –Monica McGoldrick

Psychotherapy.net

Group Discussion Questions

Professors, training directors and facilitators may use a few or all of these discussion questions keyed to certain elements of the video or those issues most relevant to the viewers.

INTRODUCTION 1. Assumptions: Berg asserts that solution-focused therapy calls for

different assumptions than traditional psychotherapy, such as the assumption that clients already have the beginnings of solutions before they even arrive at the therapist’s office. How do you think these assumptions affect the therapeutic relationship? How do they fit with your own assumptions as a therapist?

FIRST SESSION 2. Goal Negotiation: What is your response to Berg’s initial

question for her clients, “What do you suppose needs to happen as a result of your coming here so that you can say, ‘I’m glad we did this’?” How does this happen? What do you notice about her approach that helps her elicit client goals? What might you have done differently in negotiating goals with this family?

3. Strange Questions: The miracle question asks for a description of behavior in a hypothetical solution, the solution-finding question asks where there are moments when even a little piece of the miracle has occurred. How do these strange questions influence the therapy with this family? Are they effective? What do you see as the strength or benefit of this sequence of questions? How do they work together in support of the therapeutic process?

4. Acknowledgement & Validation: Do you agree with Berg that part of what this family accomplishes by being in the session is to talk together and recognize that each member of the family has felt lonely? Why or why not? What else would you acknowledge and validate with this family?

Group Discussion Questions

Professors, training directors and facilitators may use a few or all of these discussion questions keyed to certain elements of the video or those issues most relevant to the viewers.

INTRODUCTION 1. Problems and Solutions: How do you react to Berg’s statement

that there seems to be no connection between clients’ presenting problems and the solutions to them? How does this fit with your own ideas about psychotherapy particularly regarding the relationship between problems and solutions in therapy?

2. Posture: What does the therapist’s posture of not knowing mean to you? What about this posture is important in terms of building solutions? As the therapist, do you consider it important to figure out what the client needs to do? Talk about your responses.

FIRST SESSION 3. “Let me come back to that”: How do you react to Berg repeatedly

saying to Bill and Leslie, “Let me come back to that,” throughout the beginning of the session? What do you think Berg intends with this response? In what ways is this effective in shifting to the solution or would it be better to go into the problem more?

4. Treatment Goals: What stood out for you as new, different and/or particularly helpful about Berg’s approach to setting treatment goals?

5. Strange Questions: How did you react to the various strange questions Berg asks in the session, like the miracle question and the scaling questions? How do you see these questions contributing to the therapy process? How did you react to her decision to ask the risky question about the chances of the marriage surviving? Do you see yourself using these kinds of questions with your own clients? Why or why not?

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

5. Task: What do you think about Berg’s directive for homework? What do you make of Berg’s further instruction that they not talk about their task until they meet with Berg again? How do you see this homework as helping or not helping the family?

6. Message to the Family: How do you respond to Berg’s idea of leaving the clients momentarily to formulate her message for them? Would you feel comfortable taking this sort of break during the session? How might it be helpful to you and to the client? How does Berg’s focus on her message potentially support or contradict her emphasis on the central role the client plays in the solution?

SECOND SESSION 7. Amplifying Success: How do you feel about Berg’s stance

that is it crucial to give credence to the kinds of solutions the family members themselves generate? What do you think of Berg’s strategy of amplifying success by asking each family member to describe how they are affected by the changed behavior of the others? How comfortable are you in working this way with families? Does it seem like a stretch to do this?

8. Scaling Question: What do you find valuable, if anything, about asking clients to notice if they feel improvement, and how they understand that to have happened? Do you think it is particularly important for clients to recognize incremental improvements via scaling their progress in the course of therapy?

9. Follow-up Sessions: What do you notice about how the second session built on the work of the first? Do you think the family was any more flexible or otherwise different this time, now that they were more familiar with Berg’s style? How so?

CONCLUSION 10. Key Moments: Describe some key moments in this

session. What was important about these moments to you? What interventions worked best?

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11. Therapeutic Alliance: Do you feel Berg is successful at creating alliances with each individual client and with the family as a whole? How would you feel about being Berg’s client in a family session? Do you think she would be able to create an alliance with you and your family? Why or why not?

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

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Complete Transcript of “I’d hear laughter”: Finding Solutions for the Family

The notation *** in the transcript below indicates a chapter break on the accompanying DVD. Use the breaks to skip to specific points in the video..

FIRST SESSION INTRODUCTION BY BERG Insoo Kim Berg Commentary: My name is Insoo Kim Berg. The session you’re about to see is a family therapy session with a mother and a father and a 15-year-old daughter. Before we get into the session, let me just say a few words about the solution focus brief therapy model and how it applies to cases such as we’re about to see.

I guess the simplest way to explain would be the solution focus therapy model is concerned with building solutions, not problem solving. Whenever I say this, most professionals become rather skeptical and they say, “What does that mean?” Well, let me just say a little bit about that. When the therapeutic task is to build solutions, it necessarily means that the therapist is very concerned with the nature of the solutions rather than the nature of the problem. So, obviously then, it calls for entirely different assumptions about our work than the traditional approach.

For example, the… one of the basic assumptions about the clients is that we believe the client already have the beginning of the solutions. How do we know that? Well, that is discovered through finding out about the exceptions to the problem, because we believe that exceptions to the problem provides the clues and keys and to what the client needs to do more to build solutions.

You are about to also watch and listen to lots of questions. Obviously, all interviews are composed of questions and answers, but in this tape I would particularly like you to pay attention to questions that are what we call exception finding questions. That is, tell me more about what’s going

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

on when the problem is not occurring. The second important question is what we call the miracle question, that is, this is the client’s hypothetical solutions, client’s idea of how their life would be like the day after the miracle, and by doing that, we have some idea about how the client wants their life to be different. Therefore, again, the solution picture is provided by the client, not by the therapist. And since the solution pictures come from the clients, these are quite natural and fitting to their way of doing things and so unlike solutions that are imposed from the outside to the family, the solutions are generated by the family from within their way of doing things. So you can imagine how this fits. It has a very nice fit between clients natural way of doing things and natural way of finding solutions. Therefore, the solutions they find, they build tend to be long lasting and can happen rather quickly.

I would also like you to pay attention to the scaling question, and you will see that scaling questions, again, is client generated. It’s not what is normal and what is abnormal way of measuring normality or disability, but it is a way of measuring the change according to the client’s way of measuring their change. So these, asking these questions and of course, within the context of these therapeutic relationships, these questions are designed to provide a context in which clients find their own solutions to their difficulties.

As you will notice, the session is composed of two parts. The first part is where the therapist asks lots of questions. Many, many questions. And of course, these questions are, again, designed to stimulate clients’ notions about their own solutions. Toward the end of the session, I will take a consultation break and talk to myself, literally talk to myself, and figure out what kind of feedback will be useful for the client, and then I will come back and deliver the message. And the message is composed of three parts. The first one is the compliments. There is acknowledging and validating clients’ points of view about their life and about their problems and about the solutions. The second part is what we call the bridging statement. There is some sort of rationale and explanations for why they should do the task that the therapist is about to suggest. The third part of the homework and/or task is to designed to implement the solutions that are generated by the clients in their own setting and therefore, again, the therapeutic task pays a great deal of attention to clients life in the real

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world, not in the therapy room, but how they conduct their life in their real world.

The case is, the father’s name is Lou and mother is Judy. The father is currently unemployed, and naturally, he’s quite depressed about that. And the couple had been married 22 years and, until recently, their daughter, Judy, has been very well functioning and obviously very—as you will see—very bright and very articulate, and so you can see it could be a quite difficult child to raise for this couple.

Now comes the interview.

FAMILY THERAPY SESSION

Goal Negotiation Berg: So let me jump right in, then. What do you suppose needs to happen as a result of your coming here so that you can say, “I’m glad we did this.” How does this happen?

Judy: She needs to go to school. She needs to go to school.

Berg: You mean bodily?

Judy: I mean, her body needs to be in the school. Yeah. At the school in the morning at 8:30, the body needs to be there, and the body needs to stay there until 2:45 when the body can get up and the body can go someplace else.

Berg: And that’s hard for her. What about for you? What, what do you suppose needs to happen so that you can say to yourself, “This was a good idea that we got, we did this.”

Lou: I’d like a job. You got jobs?

Berg: I’m afraid not. I’m afraid not.

Lou: Sounds familiar.

Berg: Aside from job, what would you like to see different around the family…with your family?

Lou: Maybe we could, maybe we could all watch a movie together or have dinner together.

Berg: And that’s not happening right now?

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

Lou: No.

Berg: So it sounds like you want Sarah to go to school and you would like more family togetherness?

Lou: Yeah.

Berg: Family getting along better. And you, Sarah, you want, you want to be a little less confused?

Sarah: I just want things to be easier, more comfortable.

Berg: And not want to be ignored by your parents.

Sarah: Yeah.

Berg: So it sounds like you all want the same thing?

Judy: I think she has decided that Jason is more exciting than school, and Jason is a bum. Jason is a bum.

Sarah: He’s not a bum.

Judy: Jason is a bum.

Sarah: He’s not.

Judy: He doesn’t go to school. His father is an alcoholic. He doesn’t have any, any plans for himself at all. He has no respect. He has no goals. He’s just a complete bum. I don’t know what else to call him. What would you call him?

Berg: So you don’t think that Jason is a good influence on Sarah?

Judy: No. I don’t think Jason is a good influence on Sarah. She doesn’t go to school. She stays out late at night. I don’t know where she is. He drives this beat up car 90 miles an hour all the time. He pulls—Why does he pull…he pulls up in front of our house; the whole block can hear the tires. Why does he do this? He needs to be bad. He needs to be bad and I think he makes her need to be bad.

Berg: Wow. So this is very upsetting for you?

Judy: It’s very upsetting for me because I think Sarah has everything going for her and it’s not that I don’t know how you feel. I know that you want excitement and you don’t just want to be a

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Berg: You mentioned she has everything going for her. What do you mean?

Judy: I mean she’s smart. She’s courageous. She’s, she’s good looking. She’s, she’s strong. She’s healthy. She’s got everything she needs.

Berg: How do you know she’s smart? How do you know she’s smart?

Judy: Because up until two and a half months, she was on the honor roll. She was getting great, great grades. All the reports were, “Sarah’s doing a wonderful job. She’s full of potential.”

Berg: Is that right?

Judy: It’s like night and day. It’s like night and day from last year until this year. From freshman year until sophomore year. The teachers are saying, “What happened?”

Berg: So they are knowing that kind of changes in, in Sarah.

Judy: Everybody’s noticing it. The neighbors are noticing it. Everybody notices it. Suddenly…the jeans.

Sarah: Because you tell everybody.

Judy: I don’t have to tell everybody. Everybody can see by the way you walk down the street, by the way you walk in the house to the car with Jason. By the way, the way you sit. I mean, everything’s suddenly different. It’s like she’s angry, angry, angry.

*** Berg: I’m not sure if I told you, but I’m going to ask a lot of strange questions. Are you up for it? I have tons of them, so here comes the first strange question.

Miracle Question Berg: Let’s suppose, let’s just suppose, after we talk today, obviously, you go home and do whatever you do for the rest of the day, and you know, you go to bed. Everybody goes to bed tonight. And when the house is quiet, a miracle happens and the problem that brought you here today—gone just like that. Just disappeared. But because you’re sleeping, you don’t know that this has happened, so when you wake up tomorrow morning, what would be the first small clue to you

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

that something happened during the night? Something must have happened. The problem is gone. How will you find out tomorrow morning?

Judy: Well, I’m the first one up, so I think, I think that the first thing I would notice would be that Lou was up. He got up, and is getting ready. Shaving. To the bathroom. So it’s not just me all by myself until I leave for work. Somebody…and then Sarah gets up, and she, and we have breakfast together.

Berg: The three of you? All of you?

Judy: Yeah. And John gets up and there are four people sitting around the table and maybe we’re reading the newspaper and, “Please pass the coffee.” “Thank you very much.” That would be nice.

Berg: So that would be the first clue to you that something is different, the problem that we used to have must be solved. Is that right?

Judy: Yeah, Lou would get up and then Sarah would come out and maybe be a little talkative maybe.

Berg: Let’s come back to this. So Lou would get up with you or when, about the same time. What would be different about Lou that would let you know that perhaps a miracle happened for him?

Judy: He’d have some energy. He’d get up and I would feel like he was ready to go, ready to…I don’t know, ready to do something. Go out and do something that day. He might crack a joke or…

Berg: Oh, is that right?

Judy: Yeah.

Berg: He has a good sense of humor?

Judy. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. We haven’t seen a whole lot of it lately, but yeah. He can crack me up like nobody else can crack me up. Yeah.

Berg: No kidding. So you will see that in him again? Sort of wanting to crack a joke or make you laugh or that kind of stuff.

Judy: Yeah.

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Details of Solution Picture Berg: So suppose Judy sees that in you. What will you notice different about Judy that will let you know that a miracle happened for Judy?

Lou: Well, maybe she would wake me up with a kiss.

Berg: Really? So suppose she does wake you up with a kiss. What will you do that you didn’t do this morning?

Lou: Probably kiss her back.

Berg: Okay. Okay. What will come after that?

Lou: Well, I don’t know. Maybe we’d fool around.

Berg: Is that right?

Judy: M-hmm

Berg: Okay, so then, that would, that’s how you would get up in the morning, the two of you? Okay. So when this is going on, what will you notice different about Mom and Dad that will let you know that something is different about Mom and Dad?

Sarah: I think I’d hear laughter.

Berg: Them laughing?

Sarah: Yeah. Like maybe my dad told a joke and made my mom crack up and the two of them were laughing together.

Berg: Is that right.

Sarah: And I’d come in and I’d see my dad smiling, and I haven’t seen him smile in a long time.

Berg: Right. So suppose you do see them smiling and cracking jokes and laughing and talking and so on, what would they say how you would be different?

Sarah: Hopefully I’d be laughing right there with them.

Berg: Okay. So you’d be joining in the conversation, whatever that’s funny that’s going on?

Sarah: We’d all be light, not so heavy.

Berg: Light. So the atmosphere around the house in the morning

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would be lighter. Is that what you’re talking about?

Sarah: Yes.

Berg: More cheerful and more upbeat. What will you notice different about Sarah that will let you know that miracle happened and her problem is solved?

Judy: Well, if she came out of her room and maybe looked, looked at me and said, “good morning,” and maybe I could say, “good morning” and “how are you,” and she could say, “I’m fine” and “how are you?” Maybe I would say, “I didn’t sleep so good last night.” And maybe she’d say, “Oh? Why not, Mom?” And maybe I’d say, “Well, you know, because I’m, you know, I’m pretty tired right now, and you know, I’ve had a lot of things on my mind.” And maybe she’d say, “Really? You’ve had a lot of things on your mind? Tell me one of them.” And maybe I would say, “Well, you know, I’ve been worried about something,” and maybe I would tell her about it, and maybe she would, you know, listen to me and then maybe I’d give her some eggs.

Berg: So there would be this kind of a conversation going on where she would understand the difficulties…

Judy: Maybe she’d listen.

Berg: Listen! Ah…

Judy: Maybe, I mean, I don’t, I don’t understand why she says that we ignore her all the time, because she’s, it’s like she’s not there even when she’s there. She’s there. She comes out. She doesn’t look at me. She gets angry no matter what I say to her, no matter what I say. If I ask her any question at all—what time is it?—she gets angry at me. She leaves as soon as she can, and…I don’t know why she’s so angry at me.

Berg: So that will be gone, but instead of that, the anger will be gone.

Judy: Instead of that, we could talk to each other.

Berg: Instead of that, talk to each other….

Judy: Maybe we could say, “Hey, later on, let’s go shopping, and maybe we’ll even see a movie.” And she’d say, “That sounds great. Let’s do that.” And maybe I’d say, “I need to buy a pair of shoes. What do you think of this one?” Maybe she’d say, “Those are really queer, Mom.”

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That’d be okay.

Berg: Yeah, right, ok. And so apparently, it used to be, I mean, you used to do this with each other.

Judy: Yeah, we did, until over the summer when she started hanging around with Jason and these other, these other young people, and it’s just, I don’t know what to, I just don’t know what to make of it. I don’t know what to do about it, with the grades and the skipping school. And nothing I can do seems to help; everything seems to make everything worse. And Lou thinks it’s not a big deal, why am I so worried about it? And everybody at work says they’ve got problems with their kids, too. That’s what happens with kids: they get older and they give you trouble. And maybe that’s just the way it is. Maybe, you know, Tom’s going to get to that point and the same thing’s going to happen. It’s like I feel like I don’t have my little girl anymore. I don’t even know where she went. It’s like there’s a ghost walking around the house. I don’t know what to do.

So yes, it would be nice, it would be nice if she would stop being mad at me, look at me.

Presence of Positive Behavior Berg: What will you, I mean, what else will you notice between, about these two, tomorrow morning, for example, you know, miracle happened and the problem was solved between these two, what would you, what else will you notice different about them that will let you know?

Lou: Well, if they were just talking to each other.

Berg: They’re just talking to each other. Okay.

Lou: And maybe they were, yeah, in the same room with each other for more than just a few seconds. And they were polite.

Berg: With each other?

Lou: With each other, yeah.

Berg: You mean, instead of fighting like this.

Lou: Right.

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Berg: Okay. Sounds like you want the same thing.

Judy: Polite would be nice. I would appreciate polite. I would appreciate when I say, “good morning,” I would appreciate a “good morning.” And I would appreciate when I say, “how are you” I would appreciate a “fine, thank you.” Maybe we could just start there, just manners.

Berg: So suppose you were polite with your mom. How would your mom be different with you?

Sarah: I don’t know. It just seems like even if I did say “good morning” we always end up in a fight over something, over the littlest thing. So it’s just easier just not to even start up a conversation. I’d rather not fight.

Berg: Sure. Sure. So suppose after this miracle tomorrow morning, after this miracle, what would be different between you and your mom?

Sarah: I guess you’re saying miracles?

Berg: Yeah!

Sarah: Okay. Where she would say “good morning” to me, I would say “good morning” to her, and there would be no questions and there would be no confrontations and I wouldn’t feel like I’m on the defensive all the time, and everything would just go smoothly and we’d have a normal conversation like normal people and everyone would talk.

Berg: Everyone would talk.

Sarah: All of us.

Berg: So not only you and your mom but also, what? You and your dad and you and your brother, you mean all these people would talk to each other. Is that what you mean?

Sarah: Yeah.

Berg: Okay.

Sarah: Because right now we don’t.

Berg: Right.

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Judy: Tom talks to everybody. Tom’s not mad at anybody.

Sarah: Yes, he’s the perfect child.

Judy: Well, he’s younger. He doesn’t have a hard time.

Berg: So suppose that were to happen. How would that be helpful for you about going to school?

Sarah: Well, I’d be happier for one.

Berg: You would be happier.

Sarah: I’d get up in the morning and I’d want to go to school.

Berg: Really? That would be part of this miracle?

Sarah: Yeah. I think I wouldn’t have a reason to run away from things. And I think that’s what I’m doing.

Berg: So you don’t really want to run away from things?

Sarah: No.

Berg: You want to do what is good for you. I see. Okay. So when was the most recent time you’ve been in school?

Judy: Thursday.

Berg: Thursday. Is that right?

Sarah: Yes.

Berg: Yeah. How did you make it to school Thursday?

Sarah: I caught the bus.

Berg: How did you get yourself motivated enough to get up, get ready, out the door on time to catch the bus?

Sarah: Because I knew I was having this math test and I knew if I didn’t take it I’d be in a lot of trouble, and I’d be real behind in the class, so.

Berg: So you do care about being behind in class?

Sarah: Yeah, she thinks I don’t, that I don’t care. I do. I…there are just certain times where I just don’t feel that motivated to go.

Berg: Did you know about this? That Sarah does care about school?

Judy: She thinks she has to be motivated for everything. She think that

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

she has to want to do everything, and she doesn’t understand that as you get older, you have to do things whether or not you want to do them and that life is not a cake walk. There are some things you’re going to want to do and other things you have, you just have, there are a lot of things you just have to do. I don’t want to go to work. You think I like getting up for work at 5:30 in the morning and taking the train to work every day? You think I like that every day? You think I love to go to work and every morning I wake up and I think, “Well, gee, how do I feel today? Oh, I just don’t feel like going to work. I just don’t feel motivated to go to work, so I guess I’m not going to go.” How do you think you would eat? How do you think you would have clothes on your body? I mean, part of growing up is you just have to, you just have to do things and then sometimes when you do them, they’re okay. I mean, when I get to work, it’s okay. It’s just hard, you know, it’s hard getting out of bed in the morning.

Berg: So suppose—I’m going to come back to this, this tomorrow morning, about this miracle. What else would be different around the house when this miracle has actually happened? What else would be different?

Sarah: Well, for me, my father wouldn’t be home during the day. He’ll be out. He’ll have a job and he’ll be out and he’ll be working. Or when he comes home at night, he’ll be happy because he’ll know that there’s money coming in. They won’t be fighting about moneya ll the time.

Berg: And that upsets you?

Sarah: Yeah.

Berg: Yeah. So when he’s happy, when Dad is happy, how are things different around the house?

Sarah: There’s just a feeling. There’s no more tension, and everyone’s light. And everyone would be light.

Berg: Everyone is not light. Okay. So I guess talking about Dad’s humor, cracking jokes, so he will do more of those. Is that right? Do you have a good sense of humor?

Judy: He’s got a stupid sense of humor. He thinks he’s got a good sense of humor.

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Sarah: We like his jokes.

Berg: You like his jokes?

Judy: We pretend we like his jokes.

Lou: They love my jokes.

Berg: Okay. So, so Dad will be happier. Everybody will lighter. We’re going to be more cheerful around the house. Everybody will get along better. Is that the kind of thing you’re talking about?

Sarah: Yeah. Mom would stop worrying so much.

Berg: Sounds like she really notices. I mean, she’s very aware about what’s going on with you. Did you know about this?

Judy: Well, yeah, I know I’ve been worried, yeah.

Berg: Yeah. Yeah. And Sarah’s been very worried, it sounds like. Yeah.

Sarah: She worries too much. She worries that I’m going…I’m going to run with the wrong crowd, I’m going to do drugs, I’m going to get pregnant.

Berg: She does?

Sarah: She does.

Berg: I suppose. I suppose. I guess all mothers do. Yeah. So tell me, how is it that you are not doing, I mean, how is it that you’re not using drugs?

Sarah: Because if my mom says she knows me, then she must know that I’m smart enough that I’m not going to get involved. I mean, they taught me not to get involved with drugs and peer pressure.

Berg: No kidding?

Sarah: And I know if I go to a party and someone breaks out a joint or something, I know I can pick up the phone and I can call them and say, “Can you come get me? This party is just not for me.” And I know they’ll come get me, but I don’t think she trusts me enough. I don’t think she is…Dad, I know you do, but I don’t think Mom trusts me enough that I’m smart enough and I’ve got a good head on my shoulders where I…

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

Berg: That’s amazing. That’s amazing for a 15 year old to know that. Did you know about this?

Judy: Well, I don’t know why you don’t tell me what’s going on. If you don’t tell me, you always act guilty. You always act angry like you always like…I mean, I don’t know. How do I know what you’re doing? I mean, why don’t you tell me what’s going on? Then I would know. Why don’t, you know, tell me: “Mom, I went to this party last night and it was kind of a lot of fun and then they broke out a joint and I didn’t want to do it, so I didn’t.” You know, you can tell me that. Why don’t you tell me about that? Why don’t you ever tell me about stuff?

Sarah: Because I don’t know if you’ll ever believe me if I tell you everything.

Judy: Sure, I believe you. I’m not stupid.

Sarah: I didn’t say you were. I just…I just think you don’t trust me.

Judy: Well, you act like I’m stupid, though. You act, you know, everybody acts like I’m stupid, and, and just, you know, worried over nothing, and I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. Everybody acts like it’s all, you know, my problem and I should get over it.

Berg: Now, how is it that you decide, I mean, it sounds like you are very clear about not getting into drugs and not wanting to get pregnant and so on. That sounds very clear to you.

Sarah: Because I know better.

Berg: You know better. Wow.

Sarah: I’ve had friends that have…

Berg: Yeah, I’m sure you have. I’m sure you have.

Sarah: …had problems or gotten into trouble, and I just know that I’m smart enough that that won’t happen to me. I won’t let it happen.

Berg: And that’s not for you.

Sarah: Right. If she would just believe in me a little more. And I don’t want to feel like I have to tell you everything, and yet, I want you to trust me enough to know that I will make the right decision.

Judy: I confided in my mother. I told my mother everything. My

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mother knew everything that was happening with me.

Sarah: Well, nowadays kids don’t tell their parents everything.

Berg: Yeah. That’s true.

Judy: Why not? Why can’t you tell me? I want to know.

***

Solution Finding Question Berg: Now, let me ask you then, when was the most recent time, even in little pieces of this, this miracle has already happened?

Judy: We talked about that concert you went to last, last summer. That big…yeah.

Berg: She told you about the concert?

Judy: She told me about it, yeah. Some, some…I don’t remember their name, but you had a really good time. You were kind of excited about it, and you told me, you know.

Sarah: See, I tell you things.

Berg: You like that. You like hearing about it.

Judy: Yeah, I like hearing about that. I want to know what she’s doing.

Berg: How did you manage to tell your mom about that? How did that happen?

Sarah: Because we had such a good time. I mean, we were just having so much fun, and I came home and I just, she was up and so I told her everything. It was just, still so excited about the concert. I bought a t-shirt and I came in wearing it, and she was up. And I was like, “I got a t-shirt from a concert. It was so great. We sat so close.” I told her all the details, and it was like she was right there with me, like as though she experienced the concert, too. And it was nice.

Berg: It was nice.

Judy: So I told her about going to see Three Dog Night; she thought that was cute. She didn’t know who they were.

Berg: And so, there are moments like that when, you know, a little bit

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of that, I mean, already happened. Is that right? It sounds like you do get along some times.

Judy: Yeah.

Berg: So when you do get along like that, what do you notice different about those two, these two?

Lou: Well, everything seems to happen smoother.

Berg: When they get along?

Lou: Yeah.

Berg: Uh-huh. You mean between you and Judy, also?

Lou: Yeah. Yeah. She’s not so tense. Not so, not so scary maybe.

Berg: So when she’s less tense, what is she like?

Lou: Well, she’s ah…she’s…she smiles. She’s maybe, maybe more talkative.

Berg: With you or with Sarah?

Lou: Sarah, Tom, me, everyone. When she gets tense, you know, she does a lot of needlepoint and stuff like that and you know she’s tense; she’s just…

Berg: So you like that, too, where she’s more relaxed and more smiling and…

Lou: Oh, yeah.

Berg: So when you’re relaxed more, what is Lou like?

Judy: Well, he’s not so much in himself all the time. I mean, he says, “Hey, you want to watch the game?” or you know, “I have to go to the store for some bread; do you want to come with me?” or “Let’s go ahead and move that chair up to the attic.” You know, we can do things together. You know, it doesn’t matter what it is, just something that we’ve been meaning to do and maybe we finally get it done, or you know, just…just both be, you know, in the living room… reading the mail or something.

Berg: Is he more likely to crack a joke at a time like that?

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Judy: Oh, yeah. I’m telling you, the jokes. He can’t resist cracking a joke. I mean, it doesn’t matter what it is, it’s a piece of junk mail, he’s got a joke about it. I mean, you know, it’s the TV show, he’s got a joke about what the guy said.

Berg: It sounds like you really like that.

Judy: Yeah. Well, yeah. It’s nice that way. My dad was the same way all the time. These horrible, horrible jokes. You had to laugh at him or he’d just keep doing it.

Scaling Question Berg: Let me ask you another strange question here. Let’s say 10 stands for like the day after this miracle, 10 stands for that. That means that you don’t have to come back to see me anymore. That stands for 10. And 1 stands for how upset you felt on the day that you picked up the telephone and called here for an appointment. That stands for one. Where would you say things are at right now between one and 10 right now?

Judy: Well, I feel a little better now than I did when we came in here maybe, you know, because we laughed a little bit. I’d say about a four.

Berg: Four. Alright. How about for you?

Sarah: About a five.

Berg: Five. Wow.

Judy: She didn’t write mine down. She wrote yours down.

Berg: How about for you?

Lou: I’ll go with four.

Berg: Four. That’s a lot. What’s helped to be at four? What’s…from the day that, I think that was a week or so ago, what’s…what’s helped since then?

Judy: Well, it’s nice to hear Sarah say she doesn’t do drugs.

Berg: That helps.

Judy: Yeah. You know, it’s nice to have a laugh about Lou’s stupid jokes. You know, it makes me, kind of cheers me up. It’s just nice all

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being here. I never, you know, that’s rare. Here we are sitting in three chairs. That’s nice. I’d like to do that more.

Berg: And being able to talk about your family life?

Judy: Yeah. You know, I get to hear what they really think. I appreciate that. It’s the only way I can do it.

Berg: Oh, right. And that’s helpful, just to know what they’re thinking.

Judy: Yeah, because you know, when I don’t hear anything, I think the worse. I think she’s out, you know, at orgies every night and, you know, he’s out and I assume, you know, he’s down at the Franklin House with Valerie Fidnarick.

Berg: How about, how about for you? You said you were about five, about half way there.

Sarah: Well, it’s nice doing things as a family. I wouldn’t—no offense or anything—I don’t, I hope we don’t make a habit of this. I mean, I hope we can come to some kind of…I don’t know, comfortable level where we don’t have to do things like this as a family, where we can actually be comfortable with one another and not have to come to you.

Berg: By me, right. Okay. So, you mean you could do this on your own?

Sarah: Yeah. But also do more things as a family: go to dinner, go to the movies, maybe go away somewhere for a weekend. We used to go to this cabin, this great cabin. We don’t do that anymore.

Judy: We can’t afford it.

Berg: Okay, how about for you? I mean, four is a lot, almost halfway. Not quite, but almost half way there.

Lou: I don’t know. I guess I go along because it’s nice to be all at the same place at the same time thinking about the same thing, I guess.

Berg: So somehow knowing that you are both wanting, all of you wanting the same thing, and talking about how to get the same thing that you all want, that’s what helpful. So let me just ask you then: what needs to happen so that you can, all of you, can say, “We’ve gotten 10

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percent better. We’re not all the way up to 10, but we’ve gotten just a little bit…10 percent better.” So that you can say, “I think I’m at five, halfway there.”

Judy: Well, I’d like to eat supper together. I’d like to have people around while I’m cooking supper. Maybe somebody says, “Hey, what’s for supper?” And maybe I’d tell them, and maybe, you know, Sarah says, “I’ll set the table,” and maybe Lou says, “Guess what happened today.” And then we sit down and eat supper and Tom tells us about what he did and maybe, you know, Sarah tells us about something and maybe Tom laughs, and then we eat. And then after supper, I don’t have to wash the dishes.

Berg: That would help. I’m sure that would help.

Judy: I go out, in fact. I go out and I do a little shopping, and I come home and the house has been cleaned up.

Berg: That will be 10. If you get that, that will be 10.

Judy: That would be 10.

Berg: So something along that line, some sense of togetherness and your family doing something together.

Judy: Yeah, and I don’t have to make them.

Berg: Make them, yeah. How about for you? How about for the two of you? What needs to happen so you can say it’s just a little bit better?

Lou: Well, I agree with that stuff and then maybe I could just have a sense that there’s a job out there somewhere. But I haven’t found it yet. Some days I’m not even sure there’s a job out there, so maybe if, so I guess that would be, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Berg: That would help you.

Lou: Oh, tremendously.

Berg: Sure it would. So what will, what needs to happen to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel, you haven’t quite seen yet but there is?

Lou: Oh, I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m stuck. I’ve tried everything I know how to do.

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Berg: What might be the first small step to let you know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel?

Lou: First small step might be someone calls me up and tells me about a job or something.

Berg: Some tip you mean from someone?

Lou: Yeah.

Berg: Okay. Alright. What else?

Lou: Maybe, maybe…maybe…maybe if I found some part time work or something that was just temporary to earn a paycheck or something.

Berg: So you are willing to go for part time or even a temporary part time?

Lou: Yeah, I think so. It’s not what I want.

Berg: Is that different for you? Willing to settle for that?

Lou: Yeah, I think that’s different.

Berg: That’s different. I don’t know how you keep at it.

Lou: I don’t sometimes.

Berg: It must be very hard. I don’t know how you cope with it.

Lou: I watch TV. I do a lot of things, but it’s lonely.

Berg: Yeah, I’m sure it is. I’m sure it is. Yeah, I’m sure it’s no fun.

Okay, I have sort of run out of, if you can believe it, I have run out of questions. Is there any questions you would like to ask me at this point before I take some time to think about all this? Do you have any questions for me at this point? No? Okay. Is there anything that, important for me to know that I either forgot to ask or didn’t think enough to ask? That might be important for me to know at this point?

Sarah: Well, we’re talking now in front of you. But when we get home, we don’t talk. So how are we going to get to that point where we can talk like this without you?

Berg: I see. And you like that? You’d like to be able to talk like this

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without me? It sounds like that’s very important to you.

Sarah: It is. I can’t take the silence; I hate it. And that’s why I stay out late and I’m with Jason all the time.

Berg: Silence between Mom and Dad or with you or which one?

Sarah: Well, the silence between them makes me crazy. There are just times when they just don’t talk, and you just know they’re fighting.

Berg: Is that right? When there are silence, you are fighting?

Lou: No. When there’s silence, we’re not fighting.

Berg: You’re not?

Lou: I think.

Berg: Sarah misunderstands the silence as a fight?

Judy: Well, there’s a lot of tension a lot of times.

Berg: There are?

Judy: Yeah.

Lou: It’s a way to stop fighting.

Berg: What would help?

Judy: Well, I get mad because nobody helps me around the house. Nobody ever helps me around the house, do anything. So it would help if maybe somebody would take a dish to the sink or maybe take the dirty clothes downstairs or pick up a dust rag.

Berg: Are we talking about Lou helping out more? Is that what you mean? Or Sarah?

Judy: That would be nice. Yeah, it would be nice if Sarah, if Sarah could help me. Yeah. I try asking her to help with the dishes, but then when she’s not home, I can’t ask her to…So yeah, I mean, I slam around a little bit.

Berg: So Sarah is right then, there are some tensions between the two of you?

Judy: Yeah.

Berg: Which has to be solved first: the tension between the two of you

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or the difficulty with Sarah?

Judy: I don’t know. Everything just seems like such a snowball.

Berg: Yeah.

Judy: Well, she’s got to go to school.

Berg: She has to go to school.

Judy: She’s got to go to school. That’s the first thing.

Berg: How about from your point of view? The tension between your mom and dad, does it have to get solved first or when you go to school, your school problem is solved, the tension will go away?

Sarah: Well, I think if things at home were more comfortable, I’d be happier.

Berg: In school.

Sarah: I’d want to go to school.

Berg: You’d want to go to school then?

Sarah: I’d find it easier to go to school because I wouldn’t be so upset all the time and I wouldn’t want to run away from everything.

Berg: I see. So how badly do you want to go to school, Sarah?

Sarah: I want to go. I just…but I want to see Jason, too, and I mean, I don’t want to give that up. I mean, he’s an important part of my life, he is. I know you don’t like him, but he is.

Judy: Why can’t you see him after school?

Sarah: Because I work after school. I mean, not every day but I work. I have a part time job for extra money, and I work late and then I come home and then I can only see him for an hour or two when I get home late. And even then, it’s too late. You say it’s too late.

Berg: So…what? From your point of view, you have to be at school first or you have to take care of these other things, how to see Jason, that has to be taken care of? That has to be taken care of first or which has to come first?

Sarah: I know school has to come first.

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Berg: Oh, you do.

Sarah: But I also know that he’s important to me, and I don’t want to give him up.

Berg: Right. Okay. So you’re willing to do the first things first? Go to school?

*** Berg: Well, I have, as you can see, my notes here, I have lots of notes, so I’m going to just make sure that I cover all the thoughts that I had.

Message to the Family First of all, I want to mention obviously the problem you, all of you, are facing is very, very tough, especially this must be really tough for you. I guess having been such a good father and provider over the years, I guess it must be extremely hard for you. And yet, in spite of that, I’m just really impressed by how you persist in still trying to be helpful, still doing lots of things to do whatever you need to do.

I can also see, Judy, that lots of your burden or the responsibility falls on your shoulder. And indeed, in spite of that, that you, even though you have days when you don’t feel like getting up, you get up and you somehow realizing that you have to keep this family going. And so it must be really hard, must be really hard.

I have to tell you, Sarah, that it’s not every day that I talk to a 15 year old who is as bright as you are, as articulate as you are. You’re very perceptive. You notice things, lots of things that most 15 year olds might miss, and so I can see you have all these high hopes for her. You know, she’s very bright and you can see how much you like to see her using the brains that she has and, you know, make something of herself. I guess, I really can understand that.

Acknowledgement and Validation So I guess what it all sort of means is that you two have done something right with Sarah. You gave her this…not only this environment, but obviously gave her intellectual stimulation and ah…she’s very, very perceptive. She sees a lot of things that most 15

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year olds would sort of, you know, they’d just, in the fog about.

I think that what all of you want certainly is worth working hard for. And yet, it seems like it’s within your reach because you have had it at one time, and so this is something you can do again. And I guess what’s really encouraging is how much you care about each other in this family. There’s a lot to carry, lots of concerns and it’s been like each of you have been sort of going separate ways with your own concerns and worries and so on, so I think that you really have got the started of, really, I mean, this is a very good start. Your being here today, first of all, and being able to sit here and talk about this and sharing with each other about how lonely you could get. It sounds like you have been very lonely also, and somehow this is really a good start.

Bridging Statement And obviously you have a long way to go in accomplishing what you want to accomplish as family, but since you’ve got this good start…I mean, you’re being at four and five, I have to say that’s very impressive.

Task So to get you started on this track that you’ve got yourself on, I’m going to suggest to you homework. I guess you didn’t expect to go home with homework. And that is, between now and next time I see you, I would like each of you to pick one day and not tell each other about which day is your secret day, and that’s the day that you pretend that for you, you have gone up from four to five, okay. You are halfway there, and for you to pretend that you have gone up from five to six. And I would like you not to talk to each other about this, but you are to guess which day the other two people have their special day that when they’re going to pretend that you have gone up, things are better 10 percent. Okay? Got that? Understood? So you are to guess which day Lou picked and Sarah picked.

Judy: I’m supposed to pretend that things are better?

Berg: Right. Even though, you know, Lou may be still mad…

Judy: Even though it’s exactly the same?

Berg: He may be doing the same thing. Just pick a day, one day, to

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pretend that you have gone up from four to five. You know, because your job is to guess which day Judy picked as her special day. This is your special day. Okay? And then come back and tell me about it. I don’t want you to discuss that among yourselves. I want to get together. I’m going to ask you lots of questions about it.

SECOND SESSION INTRODUCTION BY BERG Berg Commentary: As I prepare for the second interview with this family, there are a number of things that I keep in mind. The first one, obviously, the first important question that I’m going to ask is what’s been better since the last session. The reason for the, such an emphasis on this ‘what’s been better,’ again, has to do with what kind of a solution the clients have generated and respecting that and giving credence to their way of having made things better and their life just a little bit better is crucial.

Even if they may not have done the task that I suggested, if the clients come up with better ways to make things better for themselves, I certainly prefer that their ways, their solutions over mine. And so, the task for the second session is to elicit anything that’s been better, and of course, then, amplify. So for example, when daughter does something, how did it affect the mother? And when mother does something, how does it affect the father? And when mother and a father do something, how does it affect the daughter? So in a way, they amplify and creating the ripple effect of how they start with a very small change and how that will be amplified to other parts of their life as well as other members of the family.

The third point is the reinforcing. And that is, you can do a lot of indirect reinforcing, such as saying, “Wow.” My favorite way of reinforcing is saying, “Wow. How did you do that?” “How did you do that?” is the most empowering question that I can…I can think of a therapist can ask.

And then we start over. So then you will also hear me asking not about what else has been bad? What else is different? What else did you do to make things better? Those are the kind of questions that I will be asking a lot of. So as you listen, as you watch this second session, which was held two weeks after the initial session, we will also highlight, in the tape, about different techniques that I will be using.

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

FAMILY THERAPY SESSION Berg: Well, good to see you again. So what’s been a little bit better in this past couple weeks since we got together last time?

Judy: You mean our days? Our special day?

Berg: Two weeks, overall. What’s been, what’s been good about that?

Judy: Well, Sarah’s been going to school.

Berg: Really? Really?

Sarah: Yeah.

Berg: Yeah? Every day?

Sarah: Yeah.

Berg: And you’ve been staying in school all day?

Sarah: I have.

Berg: You have. Wow. Wasn’t it hard?

Sarah: Yeah, Jason’s not too happy.

Berg: Of course not.

Sarah: But I get to see him at night.

Berg: Oh, you do? And that’s enough for you.

Sarah: It’s okay. Try to compromise a little.

Berg: Yeah? Great. So how is it that you were able to get to school every day?

Sarah: I want to do well.

Berg: You do? Right, I guess you mentioned that…

Sarah: I mean, I want to eventually go off and go to college, make something of myself.

Berg: Really? Oh, wow. Oh, wow. That’s what you wanted?

Judy: Yeah. Yeah.

Elicit Positive Changes Berg: So what have you noticed different about Sarah these past

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couple of weeks? In addition to her going to school? What else has been different about her?

Judy: Well, she’s not wearing those jeans.

Berg: Yes, I noticed that.

Judy: Which is nice.

Sarah: She hates them because they’re Jason’s.

Berg: Ah, right. I see. I didn’t realize that when you were here last time. Okay. What else? What else is different about Sarah?

Judy: The other day, I asked you a question, and you answered me. I said, “How was school today?” and you said, “It was okay.”

Berg: That’s different?

Judy: Yeah. Yeah. So.

Berg: Okay. Good. What about from your point of view? What’s been different with Mom and Dad?

Sarah: They seem to be talking a little more?

Berg: Really?

Sarah: And I don’t notice as much silence.

Berg: Really? Is that right?

Lou: Yeah, I think so. Do you think so?

Judy: Yeah, well, we went out last Friday night, and that was nice.

Lou: Yeah, we had a date.

Berg: Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. How did that go?

Judy: It was fun. We had a good time. Yeah.

Berg: Yeah? Without the kids?

Judy: Yeah.

Berg: Just the two of you?

Judy: Yeah.

Berg: Wow. Was it a long time?

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

Judy: Well we were out the whole evening. Sarah was out, and Tommy went over to his friend’s house across the street for…to spend the night. So we were out until 10:30?

Berg: Really?

Sarah: I think they should have dates more often.

Berg: Do you?

Sarah: Yeah.

Berg: How were they different after the date? Their date…sounds like a teenager.

Sarah: Well, I noticed the next day they were just…we all had breakfast together on Saturday, and Dad was cracking jokes, and it was nice.

Berg: Really?

Sarah: Yeah. And of course, we can only, we only appreciate his sense of humor. No one else does. So we laugh at his jokes.

Berg: That’s right. That’s right. How did that happen? A date and…. How did that happen?

Judy: Our date?

Berg: Yeah. The Friday night.

Judy: I don’t know. I came home from work and said, “I don’t feel like cooking. Why don’t we go out for pizza?”

Lou: Yeah, we sort of found ourselves with no kids, so…so we went crazy.

Judy: We went nuts. We went out. We ate pizza, went to a movie.

Berg: Yeah. That’s quite a treat, wasn’t it, for the two of you?

Judy: Yeah, it was fun.

Amplify the Change Berg: What else is there? What have you noticed different about Judy?

Lou: Well, she seems a little bit more patient with Sarah.

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Berg: Really?

Lou: I think so, yeah.

Berg: What do you think?

Sarah: Yeah. I don’t think Mom’s questioning me as much anymore about where I’m going, who I’m going with. I think she’s trying to leave me alone a little bit, which is nice. Because I think without all that pressure, we can get along a lot better, if she just lets me be.

Berg: How do, how do you explain this?

Judy: I just decided I’m not going to ask any questions. I don’t care what it is, I’m just not going to ask.

Berg: Just like that?

Judy: Yeah, I’m just not going to ask for awhile and see how that goes.

Berg: You mean, when you decide not to ask questions, you can just not ask questions?

Judy: I just don’t ask any questions.

Berg: No kidding. Wow. That’s amazing.

Judy: Well, it’s not the greatest. I mean, I want to know. I’d like to know, but…

Berg: I’m sure you’re dying to know.

Judy: Yeah.

Berg: Yeah. So how are you able to sort of set that aside?

Judy: I decided I’m not, you know, I’m not, I’m just not going to, I’m just not going to ask.

Indirect Compliment Berg: How’s it helpful not to have Mom ask all these questions?

Sarah: Because I know that she cares and I know she’s concerned, but sometimes she doesn’t need to always say how she feels for me to understand or know. I know she cares about me, and I know she loves me, but it just takes the pressure off.

Berg: Did you know that she knows how much you care?

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

Judy: I guess I do, yeah.

Berg: Yeah? You have known that all along?

Judy: Well, it’s hard. I know that. Deep down I know that. It’s pretty hard to remember sometimes because of all this attitude I’m getting. But there’ll be a moment when all of the sudden I’ll realize, you know, that she’s still my daughter. This, too, will pass. You know, she’ll get over—I know this makes you mad—but she’ll get over having to do this teenage thing and then maybe she’ll be able to talk to me again.

Berg: So it sounds like you are getting a more long-term view of things, you know, looking down the road, way down the road, how things will be different.

Judy: Well, yeah. I’m trying to concentrate on that. Because I know it’s rough with a teenager. I try not to take it personally, although it’s pretty hard not to.

***

Scaling Question Berg: Right, right. So, let me ask you then overall, remember last time we were…overall, let’s 10 stands for you don’t have to come back here anymore, where would you say things are at? These numbers questions, remember that numbers question? Today.

Judy: Well, I feel, I feel better. I feel better than I did because, you know, Sarah’s going to school and…I guess I don’t feel quite so worried. I’d put, maybe, you know, five. Definitely put it at five. Yeah.

Berg: Five. Wow. Wow. That’s pretty good. That’s about halfway there. How about for you?

Sarah: I don’t know. My feelings change all the time. One minute, I think we’re going to be able to work things out and the next minute I feel like there’s no hope, so I fluctuate between a four or a five. I guess we have our good days and our bad days.

Berg: Sure. Sure. So, are these, the fluctuation, is that the same as before that you notice about Sarah or is that, is that different than before?

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Judy: Well, I don’t feel like she’s quite so far away. I feel like she’s a little bit closer, closer to earth. So. I mean, as long as she keeps going to school, you know, she doesn’t have to be Miss cheerful all the time. It’s nice. It’s nice. I don’t like feeling like the “mom” all the time. It would be nice if, you know, I could be a person, too.

Berg: Right. Right. Okay, how about for you, Lou? How would you say things are overall from one to 10?

Lou: They’ve maybe moved a little bit, maybe four and a half.

Berg: How did you do that?

Lou: Well, there’s, there’s a little bit more peace and quiet. That’s it mostly, I think.

Berg: Peace and quiet among?

Lou: In the house, yeah. We’ve done a couple things together, some dinners together.

Berg: Really? You even had dinners together as a family?

Lou: Yeah.

Berg: Wow. Wow.

Lou: So that’s a little better.

Eliciting Further Change Berg: What else is a little better?

Lou: Not much. The job situation still feels real bleak and lonely.

Berg: Is there something that Judy can do to be helpful to you so that you don’t feel so lonely?

Judy: Maybe we should blow all the rest of our savings and go to Florida. Have a good time.

Lou: No, she does, she’s pretty, pretty good. I think maybe…I think maybe I’m going to, I’m going to see if I can get some help somewhere.

Berg: Say some more about that.

Lou: Well, maybe like, I don’t know, go to, figure out something else I can do or…

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

Berg: You mean in a different field?

Lou: Yeah, maybe. Or maybe, maybe get some training in something new or…I don’t know. I know in high school they had counselors that would help you look for jobs. They must have those for people like me.

Berg: Yes. There are sure are. So you even thought about talking to one of these people?

Lou: Yeah, I’ve thought about it, yeah.

*** Berg: Okay. Let me ask you what…remember the homework I suggested? How did that go?

Judy: I had a great time on my day.

Berg: You did?

Judy: Yeah. I got up at 5:30. Nobody else was up, so I did what you said: I pretended. I pretended Lou was up, and Lou and I had a little waltz around the bedroom and I enjoyed it very much. And then I went downstairs and I had my shower and I started getting breakfast and Lou was a big help. The pretend Lou. And we talked about the weather and the headlines in the newspaper and then Tommy got up. So I told Tommy that we had, well, I told Tommy it was Harvey the six-foot rabbit. So Tommy and I pretended that Harvey the six- foot rabbit—I didn’t tell him it was Lou—we pretended that we were having breakfast with Harvey the six-foot rabbit. We talked to him, and Tommy really got into that.

And Sarah got up, and she came out of her room and I, I said, “Good morning, Sarah.” And I pretended that she said, “Good morning, Mom.” And when she missed the bus, I pretended that I didn’t notice. And then Jason picked her up, and when he squealed his tires going out, I pretended that he did that because he wanted me to like him. And then I pretended that after school that Sarah and Jason had gone out to try to find the perfect birthday present for me. And that’s where they were and that’s what took them so long. And then when Sarah came home at 10:30—she was supposed to be home at 10—she came home at 10:30, I was watching a movie in the living room and I

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pretended that I didn’t notice what time it was. I didn’t say anything. And then I pretended that she wanted to hear about the movie, so she was walking to the kitchen and I told her all about the movie, and I pretended she found it really interesting. Then that was it.

Berg: You’re very creative. I don’t know who’s more creative between mother and daughter.

Judy: It was kind of fun.

Berg: It was fun.

Judy: I just pretend that everything was great.

Berg: What difference did that make?

Judy: I felt like I had a secret and that was kind of fun. You know, I felt like I was playing, like I was a kid.

Berg: Right. Right.

Judy: And I felt like people couldn’t bother me, they couldn’t get to me. They couldn’t aggravate me.

Berg: So you found that out. Great.

Judy: Yeah.

Amplifying the Change Berg: Could you guess which day that Judy picked as a special day?

Lou: Well, I think, I think, you know, when she started blurting out about this movie we’d seen totally unprovoked, I might have guessed. Yeah, I guess, looking back on it, she seemed like… she was in a pretty great mood the whole day.

Berg: How was that helpful for you to see her?

Lou: It kind of took the pressure off. I didn’t feel like I was being judged so much. So that sort of made it easier to get through the day, I guess.

Berg: How about you, Sarah? Could you guess which day it was that Mom picked?

Sarah: I wasn’t sure because she seemed much lighter after the first session. To me, I noticed a change all throughout. I mean, she just

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

seemed much lighter and there wasn’t a specific day that I noticed. I just noticed an overall gradual change.

Berg: Wow.

Judy: I’ll just lead a secret life, I guess. I just need to stop worrying about these guys.

Berg: I guess so. Not a bad secret life, either.

Judy: But you did…I think, was it Wednesday?

Sarah: Yeah.

Berg: How did you do that? How did you get home on time Wednesday?

Sarah: I told Jason about our session and how I really wanted to try and make things better, especially with my mom, and he was real understanding.

Berg: Really?

Sarah: And he drove me home. He didn’t even give me an argument or anything.

Berg: So Jason wants you to get along with your parents?

Sarah: He wants me to be happy.

Berg: He wants you to be happy.

Sarah: He knows that there are problems, and I tell him. I mean, you you’re your friends about things. I have to tell somebody. And I tell him, you know, things that are going on and, personal things, and he just wants to make sure that I’m happy and if it means getting me home by 10:00 so things will be a little smoother at home and I won’t get yelled at…I think he’s understanding more. He’s trying to understand.

Berg: Really?

Sarah: There are all these new pictures hanging up around the house. It was almost like Dad got up and decided he was going to make a project for himself, and he hung up all these great pictures around the house. I mean, some old photographs and there’s this really great

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print now in the den, and it must have been just sitting in the garage collecting dust, and I came home and there were all these new pictures everywhere. It was like he found something to do with himself instead of just sitting in front of the TV. He just seemed proud of his work, you know.

Judy: And he also did the dishes.

Berg: Wow. He did a good job?

Judy: A good job with the dishes?

Berg: Yeah.

Judy: Yeah, it was okay.

Berg: It’s okay. He’s learning.

Judy: Well, yeah.

Berg: He’s getting better?

Judy: Well, at least he did them.

Berg: How did that happen? Thursday?

Lou: Well, I just decided I was going to do something different, and so I…I looked around and, you know, I sit in that living room; I’ve been sitting in that living room for 11 months now and I was sick of the pictures on it, so I just decided to change things.

Berg: And this is all your idea?

Lou: Yeah. I didn’t tell anyone.

Berg: You didn’t hear anything from Judy or you didn’t hear from the kids? Just all your idea?

Lou: No. I don’t think anyone’s looked at the pictures as much as I have.

Berg: That’s true. I’m sure it is. What would it take for everybody’s number to go up just one, next number up? Go from five to six, for example?

Judy: Well, I’d like to work on this curfew thing. I would be a lot calmer if…if Sarah would be home by 10:00 on weeknights and 11:30

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

on weekends. I would appreciate that.

Berg: And what would it take for her to do that?

Judy: You’re asking me?

Berg: Yeah.

Judy: How she would accomplish that?

Berg: Yeah, how she would accomplish that.

Judy: How she would get home by 10:00?

Berg: Yeah.

Judy: Well, I guess if she’s with Jason, I mean she could say, “Maybe you didn’t know, Jason, but I have to be home in 15 minutes.” Maybe he could drive her.

Berg: Like she did the other night.

Judy: Yeah. And if she’s with other kids—I don’t know what their deal is with their parents. I don’t know whether…I mean, I’m not the only mother who wants their kid home by 11:30, I’m sure. I’m sure some mothers want their kids home by 10:30 on the weekends, but I’d appreciate that.

Berg: So what would it take for you to do this?

Sarah: I mean, I can’t change my lifestyle overnight. It’s going to have to take some time. I mean, Jason was very, he was very accommodating the other night, but he’s not going to be so understanding all the time, and it’s going to take some time. I mean, I can’t change everything overnight, and Mom’s got to understand that.

Berg: So you’re not talking about…what did you say? Ten o’clock on weekdays?

Judy: Ten o’clock on weekdays and 11:30 on weekends.

Berg: Are we talking about every night for you to go from five to six?

Judy: Yeah. Yeah. I’m talking about she’s home when the curfew is and that’s it, and I don’t have to sit there in the living room and wait until 10:30 or quarter of 11, and she’s home at 10:00. I mean, maybe it’s five after, but it’s no more than that because it makes me crazy. I

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don’t think a 15-year-old girl needs to stay out later than 11:30 on a weekend. I think it’s absolutely… Yes, so every night. Every night.

Berg: Every night.

Judy: Yeah.

Sarah: Maybe Dad doesn’t feel the same way you do.

Lou: I think, I think we need reliability, that’s the…you know, that’s the thing I think we need.

Berg: You think that’s what’s important?

Lou: Yeah. Consistency. And I think maybe if Sarah was consistent and maybe her Mom could count on it, then she might cut her some slack on the weekends a little.

Sarah: Maybe?

Judy: When I was 15 years old, my dad said 9:00 on the weeks and 10:30 on the weeknights and that’s it. And I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I knew that’s when I was supposed to be home, and I came home. And I just, I don’t know what the deal is. I just don’t understand what the deal is with it. I mean, I think you do it just to make…no, you don’t do it just to aggravate me. I know you don’t do it just to aggravate me, but you don’t make any effort, you don’t make any effort at all to please me. And I’m not doing it just to be happy. I don’t need you to come home to be in a good mood. I need you to come home because, night is, it’s dangerous. It’s dangerous out there. There…things happen at night. It’s late enough. Ten o’clock is late enough.

Berg: So you’re worried about Sarah’s safety? Is that what we’re talking about?

Judy: Yeah. Yeah. I’m worried about her safety, and I don’t mean just getting run over by a drunk driver, but I also mean, you know, people get ideas late at night.

Berg: Right.

Sarah: But things happen during the day, too.

Judy: I know they happen during the day, but I’m not talking about

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

during the day. I’m talking about night.

Sarah: She worries too much, though.

Judy: You wait until you have kids.

Berg: So are we talking about—maybe Lou you have a good point here—are we talking about reliability and consistency as Lou was talking about or are we talking about 10:00 and 11:30?

Judy: Reliable…consistently 10:00 and consistently 11:30. I don’t, I don’t…I mean, we can’t go any later than that. That’s plenty late. That was, that’s plenty, plenty late to start with. We don’t need to go any later than that. We just need to…I mean, I don’t know. What do we do? You know, what do we do? Do we lock you in the house if you’re not home on time? I mean, I don’t know what to do about it.

Berg: That’s not going to work, anyway.

Judy: Well…

Berg: So what will you have to negotiate this between the two of you?

Sarah: We’ve got to come to some kind of agreement. I mean, I think I can be a little more reliable if she can be a little more flexible. I mean, there are certain times where I go to a party on a Saturday night, and what if it goes till 12:00?

Judy: There are also certain times I don’t negotiate with my child. Eleven-thirty is 11:30. A 15-year-old does not need to be out until 12:00. Eleven-thirty is late enough.

Sarah: She won’t give an inch.

Judy: Eleven-thirty on a Saturday night is just late enough. I mean, Suzie’s curfew is 10:30. Suzie is home by 10:30. You can do everything by 11:30 you need to do by 11:30. If you and Jason want to come in the living room and watch TV in the living room, you can do that. I just want you in the house by 11:30.

Berg: So how are we going to resolve this between the two of you? What has to happen?

Judy: I don’t like to compromise.

Sarah: I guess I have to be home by what? Ten o’clock?

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Judy: Ten o’clock on weeknights and Friday counts as a week—you know that. Friday counts as a weekend. Friday and Saturday, 11:30. Sunday…on 10:00.

Sarah: I mean, I can’t win. I guess I’m going to have to just give in. It’s just frustrating because she doesn’t understand. Things are different now than when she was a teenager. People go out later.

Berg: Is there something that Dad could help? Somehow negotiate between the two of you?

Sarah: Well, it just seems like Mom always makes the rules, and he follows along.

Berg: Oh, okay. So let me understand this: how are we going to come to some agreement between the two of you? You feel very strongly about it.

Judy: Yeah.

Berg: Yes. And you feel very strongly about it?

Sarah: Well, she’s making me change my whole lifestyle, and I don’t think that’s fair. But if it means us not fighting, then I will try.

Lou: I think we need a reward. I think we need like a contract that, if you abide by these curfew hours for “X” number of weeks or something, then this gets to happen.

Judy: What? What would you like to happen? That’s not staying out later. Something other, another kind of thing.

Sarah: I don’t know. Well, maybe when I turn 16 I can stay out later. Instead of just rewards just for following curfew now. I’m going to be 16 in about four months. And then, and then I can stay out later. I mean, I’m going to be 16.

Judy: Well, I don’t know. Maybe a little bit.

Berg: So are you willing to renegotiate this when she turns 16?

Judy: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I would be, I would be very impressed if you came home on time between now and when you’re 16. That would be great. That would make me feel great.

Berg: So when you feel great about what Sarah’s doing, does that mean

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

you could be more willing to, could be more willing to negotiate with Sarah?

Judy: Well, yeah. I mean, I’m kind of touchy about the getting later and later because, I mean, you know…

Sarah: Because things happen at night.

Judy: Well, yeah. I mean, they do. And I think, I think you know that, too. I don’t think you worry about them as much as I do because you’re not your child, you know. You’re my child, and I worry about you. You know, and you’re young. You don’t worry. Young people don’t worry. Older people worry because they see the bigger picture, and also because, you know, you’re my child. And I don’t know. It’s, I want you to be safe.

Sarah: I think if I do come home on time and I don’t go past my curfew, I think that’s going to take away some of the pressure of you always worrying so much about me, putting so much pressure on me. I mean, I’m not going to be the perfect child all the time, and things aren’t always perfect. I’m not always going to come home on time. It’s not always going to be the way you want it to be, but I’m going to try.

Berg: That’s great. So it sounds like…is this something new for you to, your, your willingness to try? Is that something new?

Sarah: It’s just in the past couple months, I just didn’t feel like trying. I just didn’t care. Because I felt like they didn’t care about things and about each other.

Lou: Well, I guess what I’m realizing right here is that whether we like it or not, our little girl is transforming from little girl to young woman, and we can either…we can either deal with it or have it sort of blow up in our face. It’s tough, though.

Berg: It’s tough. There’s no question about it.

***

Message to the Family Berg: Well, as you can see, I have a lot more to say to you again. Well, first of all, I am just really, really impressed by your creativity. I didn’t

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know you were that creative kind of person. So maybe Sarah takes after you?

Judy: I don’t know.

Compliment

Berg: I mean, did you know about that yourself? That you’re that creative?

Judy: Well, I do little things every now and then for fun.

Berg: Is that right?

Judy: Yeah. Make things every now and then.

Berg: Is that right?

Judy: Sure.

Berg: Uh-huh. Wow. Anyway, I think that it was a real good way to figure out how you can sort of change yourself when the environment won’t change, and so you were able to do that even for a short time. I really like that about you. And I also like, Lou, it seems like the more I talk to you, the more I come to appreciate…you’re one of these people that has a real quiet, calm strength.

Lou: Well maybe.

Berg: Yeah? And you have, really sort of have lots of very profound ideas you have, and I don’t know if you realize that about yourself.

Lou: Not really.

Berg: No? You didn’t know that? It’s, I guess, I heard about…I’m sure you heard about the term that still waters run deep. This really reminds…you remind me of that phrase. Anyway, I guess what’s impressive about the two of you is that you are able to… you… obviously raising children needs both. And sometimes you have to be creative. Sometimes you have to worry, right. And sometimes you have even to sit back and reflect and think about things, you know. And it seems like you two are able to do both and somehow each of you bring to the situation your unique contribution about that. And somehow, you know, mother’s job seems like or a parent’s job is to worry.

Judy: That’s my job?

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

Berg: Well, because parents worry more about the children than children worry about themselves, because as parents we can see more things that children don’t see. Right? We can see what’s ahead. We can see the dangers, and so it makes us sort of natural for worrying more than children do.

On the other hand, I like your idea that sometimes you have to let the children scrape their knees, let them learn from it. I guess, you know, we need both raising children. So, again, it seems like you’re raising someone like Sarah, which is a very big challenge when a child…any child who’s as bright as Sarah is, it is going to be a big challenge, especially in the teenage years. It’s a very difficult job, but each of you brings some very unique contributions to this situation here. So instead of thinking about either both of you need to be like Judy or both of you need to be like Lou, I mean, that’s not going to work. You need both. So you need to think about how you’re going to sort of blend both sides of you together in order to help guide Sarah down the road.

Let me come back to Sarah. I am really very, very pleased to hear you’re back in school. And I guess you really want to do the right thing and also want to please your parents, especially, I guess, want to get along with your mother. Seems to be very important, and maybe that’s catching. Even Jason seems to be willing to help you get along with your mom, so he’s getting into the act on this, also. So I like that.

And again, I guess, it’s very impressive that someone 15, almost 16, wanting that much to—and willing—that much to do things to get along with your mom. And so I guess, I guess you were right: you were very close. You are very close. I guess you didn’t realize that. Very close in a very different way than in the past. And I guess it will have to be in a different way. Mothers and daughters will have to get along in a different way because she’s changing. She’s not the same child as she was a year ago, a couple years ago.

Bridging Statement Anyway, I think that all of you are certainly on the right track. The little things you are doing seems to work and help make things better. Obviously, you have a long way to go, but the important thing is to

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keep in mind about where you want to go, how you want your family life to be and to keep sort of plugging at it and keep working at it. And you, you two, I mean, you, all three of you are the kind of people that are accustomed to working hard.

Task So there’s one more task that you now have to work hard to get what you want. And so, obviously, you need to keep doing what you’ve been doing this past couple weeks and as you continue to improve things, I would also like you to keep track of what else you do in addition to what you’ve done in the past two weeks. What else you can do to make things better, you know, just a little. Okay?

CONCLUSION Berg Commentary: The sessions you have observed so far with this family is very typical example of solution focused approach with families. There were total of five sessions over a period of four months, and Lou eventually found a job, part time job, although at a lower wage than he used to make, but he was happy to get it. And currently, he is planning, he is making plans for retraining to make himself more available for higher paying jobs.

Judy is still maintaining the same job as she had before, and the couple, obviously, doing better, much better. And Sarah has been going to school pretty regularly and, indeed, when she turned 16, the parents and Sarah were able to negotiate her curfew.

What you have seen is typical example of no matter what the presented problem is, most family therapy sessions go like this and the point that I like to make is that, again, the therapist’s role in this approach is to generate and help the…help the families generate their own solutions and support it and enhance it and enlarge it and giving credit back to the client so that they realize that it is their solutions not the therapist’s solution. And you can see this way of collaboratively working with the client has enduring results and also the client self-esteem is respected, and they feel better about having solved their own problem, and I hope this has been helpful for you.

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

Video Credits Produced by: The Brief Family Therapy Center

With: W.W. Norton & Company

DVD version released 2008, Psychotherapy.net, LLC

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Notes…

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

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About the Contributors

FEATURED THERAPIST Insoo Kim Berg, MSSW (1934-2007), was co-founder and director of the Brief Family Therapy Center in Milwaukee, WI. She developed the Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) model with her partner, Steve de Shazer. A native of Korea, Insoo balanced her heritage with Western scientific training in her clinical practice and teaching.

Berg served on the editorial boards of the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Family Psychology and Counseling Series, Families in Society, and Family Process. She was a founder of the Solution- Focused Brief Therapy Association, clinical member and approved supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and was also active in the Wisconsin Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the National Association of Social Workers, and the European Brief Therapy Association. She was a frequent keynote speaker at international conferences and regularly conducted seminars and workshops on SFBT throughout the U.S., Canada, South America, Asia, and Europe.

A prolific writer, Insoo published eight highly acclaimed books in ten years, including More than Miracles: The State of the Art of Solution- Focused Brief Therapy, Tales of Solutions, Building Solutions in Child Protective Services, and Interviewing for Solutions.

MANUAL AUTHORS Randall C. Wyatt, PhD, is Director of Professional Training at the California School of Professional Psychology, San Francisco at Alliant International University and a practicing psychologist in Oakland, California.

Eileen M. Flanagan, MA, LMFT, is a practicing psychotherapist with offices in Oakland and San Francisco, California. Email: emf@eileenflanaganlmft.com.

“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY

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“I’D HEAR LAUGHTER”: FINDING SOLUTIONS FOR THE FAMILY