Process Essay Daft and Revisions
Olando m Sayon Comment by N/A: Formatting notes are highlighted in yellow. Good formatting so far, but keep in mind that MLA also requires you to include your last name and page number at the top right margin of each page.
Mary Crispin Comment by N/A: Consider including your instructor’s title, such as Professor.
ENGL 1711-03
Date 9/6/2020 Comment by N/A: Format the date as day month year. e.g.: 1 January 2021
PIERCING YOUR TONGUE Comment by N/A: Use regular title capitalization for your title, not all-caps. See session notes on improving your title.
Due to the technological advancement and sustained increase in the integration and enlightenment of different societal factions, the promulgation of body piercing and body arts has reached new boundaries. Body piercing, and especially tongue piecing, has grown immensely over the last few years. Adolescents and young adults primarily embrace this trend. While there are people who express themselves through clothes and accessories, there are those who use body piercing to express themselves. “The tongue is the quickest healing part of the body and one of the least painful to piece” (Gandhi, et al., 2020 pg4). However, infections are one of the biggest challenges, but by following the proper process, it can be done safely and harmless at the comfort of your home by following proper steps. Comment by N/A: This quotation exists as a standalone sentence – when writing, always work to directly introduce the quote in some way, either with a leading sentence that terminates in a colon or with a sentence that transitions into the quote. Specifically, you’ll want a sentence that transitions from body piercings into tongue piercings. Perhaps a statement on the practice (or why people might be put off by the idea of the pain) would work? See session notes for more details. Comment by N/A: Careful – you’ve indicated that you are going for MLA formatting, but your in-text citations are APA. MLA only requires the author’s name and page numbers – no punctuation is needed. e.g.: A sentence on page 34 from a work by Smith would appear as (Smith 34). Comment by N/A: “Harmless” is an adjective, but you need it to be an adverb like “safely.” Most adjectives can be turned into adverbs by simply adding an –ly suffix. Comment by N/A: The expression typically goes “IN the comfort of your home.”
The actual piercing process is very quick. The first step involves washing your mouth with an antiseptic for two to three minutes. After washing the mouth, use the marker to mark the spot on the taste bud side of the tongue where the piercing will be done. The next step is to stick out your tongue, and the piercer holds the tongue in place using a specialized set of tongs that look like kitchen tongs. This prevents the tongue from moving, and the needle goes through the wrong party, hitting a blood vessel or damaging a nerve. A needle that has a cork on one end is then put through the tongue. A barbell is then pushed up from underneath the tongue. The barbell is usually 18 millimeters long. This barbell is long because the tongue will swell after the piercing, and thus if a shorter barbell is used, the tongue could swell around it and trap the barbell inside the tongue, which would require surgery to remove it. Comment by N/A: See session review regarding the use of first or second person pronouns in formal papers. You may opt to work around this problem by rewording this with a third person alternative. Comment by N/A: Can you be more specific with the type of marker? For the purpose of being exact in this assignment, you may want to specify “non-toxic” even if it may seem obvious. Comment by N/A: Would this just be the top side? Comment by N/A: Consider rephrasing this part to start with “so that the needles does not...” to improve flow. Comment by N/A: Careful – typo. Comment by N/A: The word “that” occasionally lends unnecessary filler to sentences. You can replace “that has” with a single word/preposition – what would be a better fit here? Comment by N/A: What is the most common material used in these barbells? Comment by N/A: This sentence is a bit lengthy – consider splitting it into two with a period or a semicolon to improve readability and flow.
The barbell has a narrow hole in the center that allows it to slide on the needle. After pulling the barbell all the way through, the needle is then disposed of, and then the ball for the top of the barbell is screwed on. There is pain involved and various health risks primarily because of the amount of constantly present bacteria. There are some people who will develop an allergic reaction to the material that the jewelry is made of and other risks that are involved in the process. Comment by N/A: Since the risks are also “involved,” move the verb “involved” after “pain and various health risks” Comment by N/A: Is there a specific material that causes allergic reactions?
After obtaining the piercing, your work has not ended. The majority of the responsibilities come after the piercing. After piecing, you are required to wash out your mouth with a mix of mouth wash and hydrogen peroxide after eating. It is also essential to avoid solid foods for at least two weeks and drink out of a straw. French kissing should also be avoided for a period of two to three weeks. It is important to note that the majority of the work is the aftercare of tongue piercing. Comment by N/A: You use first person pronouns here – consider rephrasing the sentences to avoid it. Comment by N/A: Good, but what happens afterwards? Are there special steps in taking out the barbell? How much time is expected for the healing process? Be thorough in detailing the full process.
In surmise, just like people express themselves through clothes and accessories, tongue piercing is used as a way of expression. However, tongue piecing comes with significant drawbacks. Infections are one of the biggest problems associated with tongue piercing. However, once proper procedures are followed, the process is safe and harmless. “This is primarily because the tongue contains tinfoil-thickness of antibiotic slime, known as a lingual antimicrobial peptide that protects the tongue” (Preslar,et al., 2019 pg5). The coming of new techniques has made it much easier and safer to piece the tongue as compared to the early years. Comment by N/A: “To surmise” or “To summarize’ may be a better way to transition into the conclusion. Comment by N/A: Again, avoid having quotations as standalone sentences in your essays. Since this sentence leads into the quote, you may solve this by introducing the quote with a colon. Comment by N/A: Please switch to MLA formatting. Comment by N/A: “Development” may be a better term here; however, keep in mind that conclusions are meant to only summarize facts and tie up loose ends. Bringing up “new techniques” opens a new can of worms as it leaves the reader to wonder about these techniques. Instead of introducing a new topic, consider encouraging the audience in general (without using second person pronouns) to try new things or to consider this unique form of expression.
Work cited Comment by N/A: “Works” should be plural.
Gandhi, Sweta R., Rahul Gandhi, and Dhanshree Minase. "Passion Of Fashion–Oral Jewellery." Journal of Interdisciplinary Dental Sciences 9.1 (2020): 01-06.: retrieved from: www.jids.org.in/vol9-1/1._Passion_Of_Fashion____Oral_Jewellery_compressed__1_.pdf Comment by N/A: The year should not be in parentheses; a comma is needed on both sides. Comment by N/A: “Retrieved from:” is no longer used in MLA 8. Simply lead into the URL with a comma. See resource titled “MLA Works Cited: Electronic Sources (Web Publications)” attached to feedback form and apply these adjustments to your other citation as well.
Preslar, Dayton, and Judith Borger. "Body Piercing Infections." StatPearls [Internet] (2019). retrieved from: Body Piercing Infections - StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf (nih.gov) Comment by N/A: Use the actual URL – it should start with http:// ...