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Memorable Experiences Between Fathers and Sons:
Stories That Shape a Son’s Identity and Perspective of His Father
Using a narrative and identity theory approach, in-depth interviews were conducted with 38 men. They were asked to describe a critical incident in order to elicit the im- portant factors that males describe when talking about their relationships with their fathers. The men were mostly blue collar or self-employed, with a mean age of 48 years. Six of the 38 men described poor relationships with their fathers, while 3 men described a relationship with a “super dad”. A constant comparative method was used to analyze the interview data. Results indicated seven emergent themes: per- sonality mesh, relationship changing health experiences, reframing memories, son’s changing expectations for fathers across cohorts, relationship outcomes, symbols of care, and identity. The discussion focuses on the development of unanswered ques- tions that arose from the study that require further empirical exploration.
Keywords: father son relationships, critical incident, qualitative research, narrative theory, identity theory
A growing body of literature supports the important role fathers play in the lives of their children. Father involvement is directly related to children’s, increased cognitive function- ing (Bronte, Tinkew, Carrano, Horowitz, & Kinukawa, 2008), greater internal locus of con- trol, greater empathy, and less sex role stereotyping (Lamb, ed., 2004). Involvement with
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EDGAR C.J. LONG*, JESSICA N. FISH**, APRYL SCHEFFLER*, and BRIANNA HANERT*
THE JOURNAL OF MEN’S STUDIES, VOL. 22, NO. 2, SPRING 2014, 122-139. © 2014 by the Men’s Studies Press, LLC. All rights reserved. http://www.mensstudies.com jms.2202.122/$15.00 • DOI: 10.3149/jms.2202.122 • ISSN/1060-8265 • e-ISSN/1933-0251
* Department of Human Development and Family Studies, Central Michigan University. ** Department of Family and Child Sciences Department, Florida State University.
Authors’ Note: Special thanks go to Jeff Angera and Miki Hakoyama, Human Environmental Studies, Cen- tral Michigan University, and John Sowders, Center for Children and Families, Monroe, Louisiana, who helped on earlier components of this paper. An earlier version of this paper was presented at the American Men’s Studies Association, in Ann Arbor, MI 2013.
Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Edgar C.J. Long, HEV Department, Central Michigan University, EHS Bldg. 412D, Mt Pleasant, MI 48859. Email: long1ec@cmich.edu
children is also beneficial for fathers. Engaged fathers show increased confidence, lower psychological distress, and increased life satisfaction (Daly, Ashbourne, & Brown, 2009; Palkovitz, 2002).
Despite the established importance of fathers, the role of the father is a complex and mul- tifaceted one (Goodsell, Bates, & Behnke, 2011) that requires continued investigation (Brotherson, Yamamoto, & Acock, 2003; Day & Lamb, eds., 2004). Current studies exam- ine the contextual factors that impact responsible fathers such as men’s levels of income, re- lationships with child’s mothers and employment histories (Doherty, 1998). However, there remains a lack of understanding about the dynamics of father son interaction and the emo- tional impact this relationship has on sons (Adamsons, 2010; Brotherson et al., 2003). The studies that do address these dyadic issues rely mostly on fathers’ reports of these relation- ships (Morman & Floyd, 2002). Although the fathers’ perceptions of these relationships are important, there is a need to understand the dynamics of this relationship from the point of view of sons. Only in this way can we more fully understand how fathers form emotional connections with their children (Brotherson et al., 2003).
Scholarly research on adult father son relationships is lacking (Sharabany, Scher & Gal- Kruz, 2006). Of the studies available, findings indicate that men are most affectionate with their own sons when they had fathers who were either highly affectionate or highly unaf- fectionate (Floyd & Morman, 2000; Morman & Floyd, 2006). Some men as fathers, mod- eled their fathers behaviors, while others who lacked their fathers’ affection, compensated with their own sons by attempting to become the fathers they had wanted (Floyd & Mor- man, 2006). Although these studies give insight into the impact of fathers as role models, they provide little understanding why some men model their fathers, while other men com- pensate. Are there characteristics of father son relationships that would lead some men to compensate? Are these mechanisms similar or different for those men who model their fa- thers’ behaviors?
Qualitative research is a useful approach when examining the interpersonal dynamics of father son relationships because it seeks a deep understanding of fathers and sons lived ex- periences together. Along with understanding lived relational experiences, the purpose of qualitative research is to generate new questions that need quantitative study, and clarify ex- planations of unexpected and idiosyncratic findings (Given, 2008). The types of questions that currently need to be addressed in this area can be best identified when researchers have a deep understanding of the father son relationship, something that is difficult to obtain from survey results (Goodsell, Bates, & Behnke, 2011). Using narrative (Chase, 2011; Nel- son, 2004) and identity (Burke & Stets, 2009) perspectives, the current study asked sons to recall memorable childhood experiences with their fathers in order to understand the dy- namics of father son relationships.
NARRATIVE: A WAY OF UNDERSTANDING FATHERS
Narratives are a key method of understanding the everyday life of individuals, treating the stories of their life experiences as facts (MacIntyre, 2007). Narratives provide an in-depth view of individual’s lived experiences (Smith, 2000). Within personal narratives, individu- als emphasize some parts of their stories over other parts (Nelson, 2004). Therefore, when recalling their experiences with their fathers, individuals likely choose those incidences that
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were most important to them (Nelson, 2004). Further, these narrative accounts are not fixed, but are dependent upon the narrator, the audience, and the dominant social narrative of fa- thers within a cultural context and historical period of time (Goodsell, Bates & Behnke, 2011; Murray, 2004). Culture itself has a narrative about what it means to be a father and these cultural narratives impact ones’ understanding of their fathers, as well as their expe- riences as sons (Murray, 2004). These stories are spoken in everyday language, becoming dynamic lifelong narratives (Murray, 2004). The narrative provides a sense of order to the myriad of life experiences men have with their fathers. The recounting of these incidents ties together the past, present, and future and becomes necessary for understanding the every- day life of fathers and sons (MacIntyre, 2007). These self-defining stories shape men’s ever- changing identities, helping them make sense of who they are (McAdams, 2006).
IDENTITY THEORY
Narratives change, yet they have some consistency over time (Roy, 2006). Identity is a way of thinking about this ever-changing self-narrative. Most simply stated, identity is one’s imaginative view of oneself. The uniqueness of a person’s identity is shaped by the con- versations, everyday interactions, and relationships with one’s reference groups (Bamberg, 2011). Identities exist in pairs, such that for each identity there is a counter identity (Stryker & Burke, 2000). Someone is a father because another person is a son. There are also two sets of identity standards, one delineating expectations for self, and another standard that sets the expectations individuals have regarding their counter identities (Adamson, 2010). This dyadic model of identity reveals individual’s standards for their own behavior and identity as sons, but also their expectations for their fathers’ behaviors (Adamsons, 2010).
In this study there was an attempt to understand this dyadic interdependence, specifically examining how sons’ stories speak about the father son relationship and how they describe their identities as fathers and sons. The stories were men’s perceptions of their experiences as sons. The goal of a narrative approach is to understand the perceptual world of individ- uals, revealing the thick, rich insights into their lived experiences. In this study, we asked sons about memorable experiences with their fathers (Geertz, 1973).
METHODS
Description of the Sample
The current study examined father-son stories among a broad socioeconomic group of 38 men. Convenience sampling was the method used to elicit participants’ involvement. Uni- versity students in two human development classes at a Midwest regional university were asked to help solicit their fathers’ involvement in a fatherhood study.
Seventy two percent of the students who asked their fathers’ participation, had fathers who agreed to join the study. Subjects were given a $25 gift certificate to a national hard- ware chain as compensation for the interviews. All of the interviews were conducted at the homes of the men. At the conclusion of these interviews, men were asked if their own fa- thers were still living, and whether or not they might participate in the study. The current study included 33 of the students’ fathers and five grandfathers. While there were 12 more
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grandfathers living who could have been participants, they lived out of state and made an in person interview too difficult.
The average age of participants was 54 years (range from 48 to 82 years). All 38 men were the biological fathers of their student sons or daughters. Thirty-five of the 38 men self-iden- tified as White, one as African American, one American Indian/Alaska Native, and one Latino. Twelve percent of the men were divorced at the time of the study, and 88% were married. The majority were self-employed or worked in blue collar positions. Ten (26.3%) of the participants had completed some education beyond high school.
Critical Incident Technique
The present study used a critical incident technique (CIT; Flanagan, 1954), to explore fa- ther son relationships. CIT has been used primarily in Organizational Psychology, interdis- ciplinary research (Wheelock & Chell, 1996), and at least one previous adult father-son study (Pellegrini & Sarbin, 2002). The hallmark of CIT includes a focus on the individual’s perspective and, at times, includes the development of categories that are descriptive of the critical incidents (Butterfield, Borgen, Amundson, & Maglio, 2005; Chell, 1998).
The interviews were semi structured and included a series of demographic and relation- ship questions, as well as follow-up probes. The men were asked to recall a time in their lives when they lived at home, and describe an experience they had with their fathers. This ex- perience needed to be representative of what their father son relationship was like. After an initial response to a question, additional probing questions were used to get a rich descrip- tion of the incident (Henwood & Pidgeon, 2004). The goal of the original question and the follow-up probes attempted to elicit, rich in context, a coherent and fully developed ac- count of son’s memorable experiences with their fathers. After describing the incidents, the men were asked why this incident was a good depiction of their relationships with their fa- thers.
The average interview was 59 minutes and ranged from 42 to 132 minutes. Interviews were digitally recorded, transcribed into a WORD document, and imported into NVIVO for analyses.
Constant comparative analyses. A constant comparative, grounded theory approach was used by two trained coders to analyze the data (Glaser & Strauss, 1967). Their initial task was to use a line-by-line open coding procedure. This process involved the develop- ment of a series of distinct categories that emerged directly from the words and phrases within the stories (Dey, 1999). Categories were compared until a number of categories emerged that the coders believed crystalized the men’s stories. Categories were clustered into smaller conceptual groups during initial coding; these clustered groups explained the meanings behind the stories at a more abstract level. Finally axial coding was used. At this level, analytic constructions or themes of men’s stories were developed that attempted to give a sense of coherence to the incidents.
FINDINGS
Seven themes emerged from the analyses of the men’s stories. These themes were: per- sonality mesh, relationship changing health experiences, reframing memories, sons chang-
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ing expectations for fathers across cohorts, relationship outcomes, symbols of care, and identity. When asked about the incidents with their fathers, the stories men recounted var- ied widely. However, out of the 38 men, only 6 retold stories about very negative father/son relationships, only 3 had very positive father/son stories. In essence, the majority of the 38 men in this study had neither very positive nor very negatives stories about memorable events with their dads.
Personality Mesh
Personality mesh described the degree to which the personalities of the sons and fathers fit together. Statements about fathers’ personalities described them across multiple contexts in different relationships, and then denoted how these personality characteristics were ex- pressed within the father son stories. A prominent theme in the responses of men who de- scribed positive relationship experiences with their fathers was that their personalities were very similar. Vince1 a 52-year-old self-employed insurance man talked about the fact that his father defined himself as a “man’s man”, that he and his dad both had a passion for hunt- ing.
We went to deer camps all over the state and slept in cars and camped in the woods. These were all things that none of my siblings ever got to experience, but it was something he and I had in common. I look at all those times, those were the times that I had with him that were always very positive, very positive.2
Different interests and personalities made father/son relationships more challenging. Chris, a 48-year-old college educated man working for a human services non-profit, disap- pointingly spoke of his father as a person with little ambition in life, so different than him- self.
He just retired from the US Postal service last year. When I retire I don’t want to sit around and do nothing, I mean I enjoy my Sunday afternoons of sitting around and doing nothing, watching a couple of football games, but, for a whole year to do that, I can’t, I can’t even fathom it. I just feel like he’s just kinda living life for living life and waiting for it to be over.
Relationship Changing Health Experiences
Health issues were frequently a focus within men’s stories. Terminal illnesses, death, al- coholism, hospitalization and surgery were prominent health incidents. These incidents often became the stimulus for relationship turning points. At times these health issues drew fathers and sons together, opening up lines of communication and increasing their expres-
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1 Names are fictitious to maintain anonymity. 2 The quotations referenced in the results are taken from a number of respondents. Some quo-
tations have been slightly altered to improve readability or provide participant anonymity while maintaining the initial intention of the speaker.
sions of positive feelings. Zack, a 48-year-old, college educated, self-employed insurance man talked about the death of his mother. He related that 3 weeks after his mom’s death his dad took he and his sister on a camping trip just to connect and talk about how they would now function as a family.
Ya, we would do trips together, especially after my mother passed. We always did family trips, but after my mother passed away, one of the first things we did was we went on a trip, just the three of us up into Canada and the Canadian Rockies and stuff. Ya know just trying to sort it all out, away from everyone.
Kyle, a 69-year-old Caucasian man in marketing had an extremely difficult relationship history with his dad. He recalled a very emotional story of him visiting his father in the hospital.
I came home from school one day. There was a note on the door and it said, Kyle, you got to go to the hospital, your dad is not well. So when I got there, a nurse told me that my dad was in intensive care. And she said, “Oh Hi Kyle, your dad is right over there you can go see him.” So I turned and looked around, no one was there and the nurse told me my family had left and they would be right back. And I looked down there and I thought man, that’s my dad. I don’t know him. I’ll never forget that. I don’t know him. Umm then I started to cry, maybe for only, maybe only 2 times in my life. Something came out of my mouth that never went through my mind. I said, Oh lord if you let him live, I’ll tell him I love him.
Kyle’s dad recovered and he later kept his word, telling his father he loved him. Within the narrative it was clear that Kyle’s relationship with his dad, and even the openness in family communication improved after this health incident.
At the negative end of the health stories were men with alcoholic fathers. Family dis- ruption, physical abuse, a son being his father’s caretaker, a son’s declaration that, “I cer- tainly don’t want to be like my dad,” were typical descriptions of men with alcoholic fathers. Vince, a 52-year-old fire fighter talked about his father drinking and having a car accident. Both he and his sister were in the car. He was only 13 years old at the time. Vince’s father was arrested for drunk driving, and he sat in the back of the police car with his dad. The ex- perience was a memorable role reversal.
And here I had my sibling on one side, my father on the other side. My dad was drunk, crying on my shoulder. I just felt like I was the one who needed to be strong. I didn’t cry, I didn’t know why. I didn’t know anything.
Reframing the Stories
Son’s narratives were dynamic, changing over time. Although the incidents had not changed, their beliefs about the incidents changed; they reframed the events. In some in- stances, this cognitive reworking positively influenced the ongoing beliefs about their fa- thers. As some men grew older, they realized that their own father had a tough life himself and they became more understanding of their fathers’ weaknesses.
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At the beginning of one interview, Ethan, a 62-year-old radio station owner simply stated that he really had no relationship with his father. He then recounted a memory of his father obligingly taking him fishing, on literally, a five-minute fishing “adventure”. However, after recounting this story of utter disappointment, Ethan said,
And I’m not apologizing for him, but what he came from, he didn’t understand. He did the best he could. As an Irish kid, he um didn’t have relationships, he just did- n’t have any of the skills.
Trent, a 52-year-old business owner had talked his brother into putting their drunk, irri- tating father into a cold shower because his behavior was so disruptive within the family sys- tem. Trent as well, reframed his memories of his dad over time.
On the other side, he always participated in my events. Even though he was drunk a lot, was irritating, it wasn’t that he didn’t want anything to do with me. I didn’t re- alize all this stuff until I got older and sitting around with some of my buddies talk- ing about their dads and heard what they went through. You know? I didn’t have it so bad.
Men who described very emotionally troubling stories, were more likely to maintain their negative perceptions over time. They still felt bitter, angry, and one described himself as lost without the love of a father. For some of these men, time had reinforced their earlier nega- tive beliefs about their fathers.
I was virtually financially ruined because of my marriage. My daughter Anne needed a loan to pay for school tuition, she needed someone to co-sign her loan. I couldn’t sign it. My dad was very well off and so I went to him and I says, you’ve gotta co- sign this note for Anne. And he says, well I will look it over and take it in for ad- visement. And I felt like saying shut the fuck up! This is your granddaughter, hardest working girl in the world. And now he has prostate cancer, and I am the only one close enough around to take care of him. I mean, I gotta take him to the doctor next month.
Twenty-five years after the event, Herb, a postal clerk, recalled thoughts about killing himself and his father. He was clearly still very angry and resentful. As an adult, his per- ceptions reinforced his initial beliefs about his dad. His anger and frustration were only re- inforced by his father’s interaction with his own daughter. Not only had his dad failed as a father, the same inadequate fathering performance was expressed in his role as a grandfa- ther.
Son’s Changing Expectations for Fathers Across Cohorts
Scholars have often differentiated between the culture of fatherhood and the behavior of fathers (LaRossa, 1988). The culture is defined as the ideals that dictate a seemingly shared set of expectations for fathers at a given point in time. The behaviors of fathers are the ac-
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tual activities fathers carry out in their fathering roles, regardless of the cultural ideals. The culture of fatherhood most frequently changes before the behaviors of fathers change, so be- liefs about fathers change prior to behavioral changes. As a result of the changing father- hood culture, fathers and sons often described different expectations about their roles for each other.
During the interviews, men often compared the behavior and attitudes of their fathers to cultural norms of the time, cohort norms. Some men described their fathers’ behavior as more positive than the current cultural norms, while other men’s behaviors were more neg- ative than cohort norms. Roger, a 46-year-old Caucasian business owner described the be- havior of his father as clearly more positive than current cultural norms.
My father got up every morning at 4 a.m. to help me with my paper route. Seven days a week my dad demonstrated this level of commitment to me.
The unspoken yet clearly communicated message was that no other fathers were demon- strating that level of commitment to their sons.
Warren, a 52-year-old carpenter recalled a time when as a child he was going into surgery and was unexpectedly comforted by surprising comments his father made.
I was in the hospital, I ended up hitting a tree doing 90 miles per hour. I broke my legs and didn’t walk for two years. They wouldn’t operate on me because my blood alcohol level was .34. So they put me in traction, and I was begging my dad, don’t let them move me, don’t let them move me. It’ll be okay, dad said, it’ll be okay. And then before they took me into surgery he told me he loved me. I know, his father had never told my dad he was loved.
Warren’s father had done something his grandfather had never done. When he spoke about his father’s words of love, he did so with a cracking voice and tears in his eyes.
Sons’ comments about fathers’ behaviors that clearly violated fatherhood expectations seemed to evoke the most negative sense of long-term emotional pain. Carl, a 52-year-old plumber recalled a time when he was 17 years old, when his father hit him in the face and “Literally knocked me across the room.” Carl left home for two years following that event. While there had been some attempt at reconciliation over the ensuing years, negative emo- tions were still very evident in his voice as he recalled the event.
In other instances, there were fathers whose behaviors were typical of men of their co- hort. Dads were breadwinners, enforcing corporal punishment, and valuing and modeling a strong work ethic. When recounting their stories, there were times when men explicitly juxtaposed the behavior of their fathers with the current fatherhood norms. For example, 16 men talked about being a recipient of corporal punishment. However, all 16 men in some way described the normalcy of corporal punishment during that era of time. It was as if they wanted the interviewers to know their dads weren’t bad. Numerous men talked about fathers spending time with them, going to sporting events, doing shared activities together, having common interests. Quinn, a 58-year-old janitor aptly described his father.
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I always respected my father, always knew, you know, who was in charge. The typ- ical father he played ball with us, played catch with us when he could. Taught us how to hunt and fish although I did neither, although I always went. I remember he’d go hunting, I always thought this was a special bond us boys. We would drive the deer through the woods and he’d be on the other side waiting for them, him and my un- cles.
Relationship Outcomes
Regardless of the men’s perceptions of the incidents, there were emotional and relation- ship repercussions that were often affectively still evident as men told their stories. The very negative incidents often had detrimental outcomes unless some mental reframing had taken place. The most negative outcomes included suicidal thoughts, thoughts about killing a father, depression, outright rebellion, anger, as well as still conflicted feelings and rela- tionships. Bill a 54-year-old, blue collar, divorced, White male recalled,
Umm, my mom was a real warm, caring kind of person and my dad was a, um son of a bitch. He was just mean. He should have never been a father at all. His mean- ness would show up, um, every way you can think of. Mostly he was negative and derogatory and sarcastic and putting everybody down and critical. He was loud and he was not warm, he was not warm at all, never told me he loved me. He was like Hitler, and mom was like uh, you know, she’d look to everybody as an individual and what this individual needed and how, you know what I’m saying? She saved my life, because I’d, I would have killed him, or killed myself. Thought of killing my- self many, many times.
However, not all of the negatively perceived stories evoked negative outcomes. There were men who described very negative incidents with their fathers, yet in very strategic and purposeful ways had dedicated themselves to being good fa- thers themselves. One such interviewee aptly stated when talking about his own role as a father, “I just needed to flip the script.”
At the end of a father-daughter phone conversation, before he hung up he stated, “I love you.” After the phone call he reiterated that “Every time, every time I talk with any of my children I end the conversation by telling them I love them.” His experiences with his fa- ther gave him a clear sense of the type of father he did not want to be. He explicitly said that his motivation for these loving comments was a painful relationship with his own father. As a father himself, he was attempting to compensate. An extreme example of this compensa- tion effect was the comments of Aaron, a 52-year-old electrician who had been ignored and often beaten by his father.
We basically had no relationship. Even now I have to force myself to be real cordial with him, he’s real feeble right now he’s got Parkinson’s and it’s almost like he’s turning a corner and realizes what happened in the past and he’s trying to be more of a father now and I resent it.
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Aaron’s daughter, Ann, described her father as a super dad. She had encouraged her fa- ther to participate in the study, yet told the interviewer it was unlikely, because he had never spoken to any family members about any of his stories as a kid. Aaron agreed to participate, and during the interview, was asked why he had become such a good father when many people might expect him to be exactly like his father. “Pain, I mean you’ve got mental, emotional pain and you know you just don’t want that for your child”. Aaron’s words echoed those of Bill, he was motivated by pain to “flip the script.”
Men who had positive perceptions of incidents with their dads talked about wanting to be good fathers and seemed grateful and motivated to be good dads. However, as we listened to their stories, it seemed evident that these men had not spent as many hours in reflective thought about their own roles and identities as fathers, as had those men with negative sto- ries.
There were other unexpected outcomes. Roger described his father as a super dad, yet as a father himself felt guilty, because he could never be the exceptional dad his father had been to him. While he was extremely thankful for his dad, and as a child had told himself that he must never forget those days, that relationship left him with a belief that as a dad he would never measure up.
Symbols of Care
The most common symbol of care referenced by men was time spent with their fathers. Men expressed a great deal of appreciation when their fathers gave them time, when they attended their sporting events, went camping, shared family stories, worked on motors, or played catch. Scott, a 55-year-old White married business owner most poignantly spoke about time with his dad.
I would go with him and we would fish and um … you know it, it would be noth- ing for us to go out and sit in the boat for, four, five hours and fish and we’re just talking perch fishing. We’d anchor the boat and you know sometimes you’d sit and not catch anything for a half hour and then you, ya’d move or maybe they’d start bit- ing but if they started biting you knew you wanted to stay.
Time was involvement, and if fathers were involved and available for their sons, that was interpreted as a symbol that dad cared. The focus of the connection was activities done to- gether, not lengthy emotional conversations.
Stories of disappointment most typically involved a lack of time doing things together. Bruce, a 45-year-old who had been in middle management spoke most convincingly about the lack of time he received from his father.
I remember a time when I wanted to go play basketball with dad and he was just reading the paper. I remember my mom looking at him and saying these days’ are about to be done, get out there and play basketball with him. And (slight laugh) ahh, and he did, but it seemed like a chore, being a father was a chore. I think I craved more attention and more quality time with him than I ever got.
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This lack of involvement was interpreted as evidence that as a son, he had become another of his father’s chores.
At times there were fathers who because of inflexible job schedules couldn’t spend time with their children. In those situations men understood the time constraints of their fathers’ jobs and spoke about their important roles as breadwinners.
Identity Versus Dis-Identity
When men told their stories, they often made comments that clearly demonstrated that their interaction with their fathers, their counter identity, had impacted the way they thought about themselves as sons and fathers. While the men did not always use the term identity, it was obvious that men’s comments were often direct statements about their own subjec- tive views of themselves, their identities. Lance a 72-year-old teacher made several telling statements about his interaction with his father, a very prominent and successful banker, and how his relationship with his father impacted his own identity. “And then “I came along and I was a disappointment to my father.” At the age of 72, he still perceived himself as a bother, even to his friends.
I am a person who is in the way of other more important individuals. I play golf with my buddies. And whenever I play, if I tee up the ball or putt, I’m always in a hurry. Because the inside of me, I feel like I am in everybody’s way. And so when I play golf, I just, T it up and get off the T and if I putt, I putt in a hurry, just to get out of everybody’s way.
The majority of men who talked about being fathers described how they wanted to be dif- ferent than their own dads. Most importantly, these men wanted to be more expressive of their feelings as fathers, or more actively engaged in the lives of their children. When their stories had been very negative, their thoughts about their identities as fathers themselves had been impacted in more significant ways. In the very negative situations there was a clear declaration of who they would not be, a definitive and intentional statement regarding their dis-identity (McCall, 2003). Regardless of the narratives, men desired to be better fathers in two specific ways. First, they wanted to be more like what they had not gotten from their fathers, and then, they wanted to be the kind of dad that more closely represented the cur- rent ideals for fathers.
When asked to describe a critical incident that was indicative of their relationships with their fathers, these seven themes emerged as important issues. Not all 38 men talked about each of the seven themes. Some men emphasized personality and relationship outcomes more than the other five characteristics. Given that these are the themes men talked about when they described their relationships with their fathers, the salience of these factors needs to be examined more closely in further studies of father son relationships.
DISCUSSION AND CONCLUSION
We believe that this study fills a void in the study of fathers and sons, focusing upon the son’s perceptions of critical incidents. As such, it highlights several important factors im-
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pacting father son relationships across the generations that merit further inquiry. Results from interviews with 38 men indicated seven emergent themes: personality mesh, relation- ship changing health experiences, reframing memories, son’s changing expectations for fa- thers across cohorts, relationship outcomes, symbols of care, and identity. Besides having a fuller, deeper understanding of memorable father son events, this study provides a rich body of information that is useful in generating questions in need of further exploration. For example, the findings from this qualitative study indicated that men’s identities as father and sons were impacted by their perceptions of the incidents.
Men’s identities were not equally impacted by the critical incidents, however most men desired to play a different fathering role than their dads. To some degree, there were the changing cohort ideals that impacted men’s identities and perceptions of themselves as fa- thers and sons. There were other men who very intentionally compensated, clearly stating that they would not be like their fathers, making definitive statements about their dis-iden- tities. However, this is the first study we are aware of that suggests that emotional pain may encourage men’s desires to compensate. Four of the men explicitly used the word pain, however several others spoke clearly of regrets, hurt and sorrow. A clearer understanding of the degree of men’s emotional pain, sorrow and regrets, and how that impacts men’s identities as fathers and sons is an important area for further exploration.
Telling Their Stories
Men’s emotional relationships with each other have been widely ignored within the em- pirical literature (Pellegrini & Sarbin, 2002), often because men are discouraged from openly expressing any sentimental emotions (Chase, 2011). Men are also less likely than women to disclose personal information during interviews and have their guards up be- cause they have a need to present themselves as in control, emotionally (Schwalbe & Wolkomir, 2002). However, in the current study, men talked openly about their experiences with little sense of being guarded. The men seemed grateful that someone was focusing on their experiences with their fathers and most men requested copies of any papers or a book that might result from the interviews.
Recalling the incidents was a very emotional experience. All but two of the men had times during the interviews when they had difficulty expressing their thoughts, because they were “emotionally choked up”. At times those emotions arose because of painful mem- ories, other times there were tears of joy as men recalled good times with their fathers. Even the recollection of stories where fathers and sons did simple activities together could evoke emotions.
We think this free expression of emotion was more than the result of the interviewers’ rap- port building skills. The men were asked to tell a story that was a good depiction of their relationships with their fathers. The question gave them freedom to take the conversation in any direction they chose. They were not asked if they felt loved by their fathers, had emotionally close relationships, yet the recollections of those incidents evoked deep levels of emotion.
The men seemed so engaged in their storytelling, that their emotions seemed to almost sneak up on them, overwhelming them in the moment. Men, freely expressing their emo- tions, openly talking about their relationships with their fathers is very different than other
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research describing men as unwilling to approach the discussion of difficult experiences with their fathers (Katz, 2002; Miller, 2010). This indirect method of telling everyday sto- ries may be an effective way to get men to speak candidly about their emotions, even when their stories describe very negative events. The interviewers had the sense that what these men were describing experiences that had touched the emotional core of their beings, and the outward emotional expressions were evidence of the depth of their feelings. As in some other research, given the right context, men are eager participants when describing the emo- tional context of their relationships with their fathers (Goodsell, 2011). Using a narrative ap- proach, asking men to recall specific incidents may be an effective method of getting men to openly disclose personal emotions.
However, given men’s levels of self-disclosure, it is important that future interviewers are comfortable with the expression of emotions and capable of providing psychological sup- port, especially to men struggling with negative memories of critical incidents. In the ma- jority of cases there seemed to be a sense that recalling the narrative was something of a cathartic experience. Men often left the interviews seemingly energized, glad that they had explored a portion of history they had with their fathers. While these men felt energized, there is no way of knowing if they struggled emotionally following the interviews. Future research needs to examine more closely whether or not men retelling their stories actually facilitates emotional challenges or wellbeing (Naples, 2003, cited in Chase 2011).
This study also suggests a strategy that may be useful in getting men to participate in the research process. Given the high probability of father’s involvement in research when asked to participate by their adult children, this method may be useful in other studies.
Personality Mesh
It was quite clear that the degree to which father-son personalities meshed, significantly impacted their relationships. Homogenous personalities seemed to engender relationships where fathers and sons enjoyed each other’s company, thus spending more time together. On the other hand, stories describing heterogeneous personality characteristics seemed to discourage son/father involvement. Future research would do well to examine personality mesh as a factor that impacts father son relationships. When personalities are significantly different, are there factors that might ameliorate these personality differences? The role that personality plays in the development and maintenance of father son relationships needs fur- ther empirical exploration.
Critical Health Experiences
Many men talked about health-related experiences in their stories. Whether sons per- ceived these incidents positively or negatively, the health issues were unplanned and un- avoidable. In several potentially fatal health situations, fathers made unusually positive verbal expressions of love. In these situations, sons talked about how these verbal expres- sions of love positively impacted their relationships with their dads.
One medical condition that impacted most relationships negatively was alcoholism. Very similar to other research (Lee, Bellamy, & Gutterman, 2009), sons with alcoholic fathers told stories about family disruption and irresponsible and irritating behaviors. However, not all
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alcoholism stories resulted in poor father/son relationships. In two specific stories, sons ex- plicitly described their alcoholic fathers as great dads. There were similarities between these two men’s stories. Both fathers were closet alcoholics. While the sons found empty bottles around the house, neither son had ever seen his father drinking, neither had they experi- enced the mood swings or unpredictable behavior that often accompanies alcohol abuse. As well, both alcoholic fathers were themselves, compensators, they had very negative rela- tionships with their own dads and were determined to be good fathers. While alcoholism is a tragic disease with negative familial consequences, it is important to explore further the conditions that might ameliorate the development of poor father-son relationships among alcoholic fathers. How frequently are alcoholic fathers perceived as being good dads?
Reframing Fatherhood Memories
In line with narrative theory, the changing nature of the narratives was clearly demon- strated in men’s stories, even though these stories were to be a snap shot in time. In most cases the stories became more positive over time. Some men who spoke about negative critical experiences with their fathers, reworked those memories later in their lives. Carl, a 54-year-old economics professor had run away from home as a 17-year-old. Now, as a fa- ther of a 17-year-old daughter, he identified with his father’s predicament in a new way, more clearly understanding the point of view of his father. Other sons of alcoholic fathers gained a new appreciation of their fathers as they struggled with alcohol themselves. Re- search does talk about men telling horrific stories about their fathers, yet the stories be- coming less horrific over time (Katz, 2002). In the current study, only a small group of men spoke about very negative incidents and continued to view those incidents and their fathers in a negative light. How frequently do negative perceptions of incidents become more pos- itive over time, or, how often are perceptions of the incidents seemingly unchanged? To what degree does becoming a father impact one’s reframing? Are there negative experi- ences that are so difficult that reworking memories in a positive direction is nearly impos- sible?
Son’s Changing Expectations for Fathers Across Cohorts
The stories men told about their fathers clearly had a sense of historical situatedness. Some of the dissatisfaction with fathers seemed to arise through a collision of cohort ideals. Research needs to examine more closely the degree to which cohort ideals impact men’s frustration with their fathers and fathers’ misunderstanding of the changing expectations for fathers.
For instance, one man stated that he waited for “27 years before his father verbally said that he loved me.” To what degree is this need for verbal affirmation a cohort expectation that is unrealistic for an earlier generation of men who primarily believed their roles were those of economic providers?
Relationship Outcomes
Father-son stories described a variety of relationship outcomes. While listening to a spe- cific story, it was difficult to predict how any experience might impact the father son inter-
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action. For example, one man with a super dad perceived himself as an inadequate father. How prevalent among men with super dads is this feeling of inadequacy? To what degree does this form of guilt impact men’s identities as fathers, impeding their abilities to be good fathers?
Symbols of Care
The single most important factor sons mentioned in describing whether or not their fa- thers cared for them was time. In previous studies, the most significant predictor of fathers being connected with their children was involvement in activities with a child, most com- monly recreational activities and play (Brotherson et al., 2003; Goodsell, 2011). From the analyses of the current stories, doing things together was good. Being a good father may be an easier role for fathers to play than some men believe given that time together is such a critical element of the father-son relationship. The expectation that fathers need to be en- gaged in deep emotional conversations with their sons is not supported in the current study.
Father Hunger
Because men in this study were so candid in the discussions of their relationships with their fathers, we believe that the overall findings have implications for the decades-long questions regarding father hunger, or the father wound. In a qualitative study of 6 father son dyads, Katz (2002), described that a common theme among those relationships was horror and grief. Other scholars have described the father wound to be so pervasive that unresolved father son conflicts could be considered normative developmental trauma (Lev- ant, 1988). To describe father son dyads as relationships of horror, grief or trauma is certainly not supported in the current study. While this study is not a representative sample, a 72% participation rate indicates that men are willing to discuss relationships with their fathers when approached by their adult children. Within this sample, only 6 of the 38 men told sto- ries of very negative father/son relationships, most of those could likely be categorized as traumatic, horrific, relationships of grief. For certain, there were men who had devastating relationships with their fathers and during the interviews still clearly expressed feelings of bitterness, anger and a sense of loss without the love of their fathers. However, the small por- tion of the 38 critical incidents that described horrific relationships certainly does not make them common, neither does the data here support the idea that father hunger is normative.
It is also important to remember the ever changing nature of these narratives. For exam- ple, Pete a 52-year-old business owner described a “devastating experience” when his dad told him he was disappointed in him and didn’t think he loved him anymore. Five minutes later he described the benefits of having a father who went to all his ball games, they went fishing and hunting together. Years later when talking with some of his friends about their dads he said, “Yea, my dad was a jerk, but he was always there”. While devastating at the time, the experience had been more positively reframed and seen in the context of a some- what normal relationship later in life. While father hunger and the father wound need more empirical examination, the notion that father son relationships are horrific, grief filled, that trauma from father son relationships is normative is not born out in the current interviews with men.
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Father-Son Intervention
Some of the findings here have implications for those doing intervention with fathers and sons. Within the current study, several of the most salient father/son relationship factors were outside the control of either fathers or sons. This being the case, it is important to rec- ognize that a good father-son relationship is more than merely relationship knowledge or a specific skill set. For example, personality was an important component that significantly shaped father son relationships. Some men complained because they were just so different from their fathers. “I’ve just come to the realization that my dad is who he is, I’m not gonna be able to change him or the expectations that I might have of him are not gonna happen”. Other men spoke of their fathers as super dads because they shared a similar set of interests and their personalities meshed so well. Within these relational stories it was obvious that how the two personalities meshed impacted the relationship and probably also influenced the amount of time fathers and sons spent together. Personality, though it is certainly one of the important factors impacting father-son relationships, is a factor that neither fathers nor sons have much control over. Other uncontrollable experiences impacted these relation- ships. Illness was often the context for very important relationship turning points. These were unforeseen and unplanned events. Had a health issue not arisen, the father-son story would have been significantly different.
LIMITATIONS OF THE STUDY
This study focused on father-son relationships. These findings are not necessarily appli- cable in understanding fathers’ relationships with their daughters. The incidents related here also describe the sons’ points of view, there is no way of knowing how convergent the sto- ries might have been had the fathers described the same events. These incidents were also a snapshot of the relationship at a single point in time. Had we asked men to describe three different incidents at different points in time, it may have increased our understanding of the changing nature of father son relationships. Further, all of these incidents were of nuclear families and their biological fathers. Critical incidents of stepfathers with their sons would likely produce different themes. The stories contained here were those of primarily White men raised in the Midwest area of the United States. Even with the limitations, we hope this study encourages other scholars to continue to study the dynamics within father-son rela- tionships.
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