Mate Selection Reflection Paper

54 M a r r i a g e

r e p o r t e d t h a t " f e m a l e s r a t e d i n t e l l i g e n c e , s t a b i l i t y , c o n s c i e n t i o u s n e s s, h e i g h t ,

e d u c a t i o n , social s k i l l s , a n d p o l i t i c a l / r e l i g i o u s c o m p a t i b i l i t y s i g n i f i c a n t l y higher

t h a n males, w h e r e a s males r a t e d g o o d l o o k s h i g h e r t h a n f e m a l e s " (262).

Wenzel a n d E m e r s o n (2009, 341) r e p o r t t h a t socially a n x i o u s i n d i v i d u a l s

believe o t h e r s are less l i k e l y t o select t h e m w h e n c o m p a r e d t o s o c i a l l y n o n -

a n x i o u s i n d i v i d u a l s . M c G e e a n d S h e v i n (2009, 67) f o u n d t h a t persons w i t h

a g o o d sense o f h u m o r are perceive d as m o r e a t t r a c t i v e as p o t e n t i a l mates.

M o n t o y a (2008, 1315) i n d i c a t e s t h a t " a t t r a c t i v e perceivers e x p e c t e d t o date

m o r e a t t r a c t i v e t a r g e t s w h i l e u n a t t r a c t i v e perceivers e x p e c t e d t o d a t e less at-

t r a c t i v e t a r g e t s . "

A Christian Perspective on Mate Selection

T a k e n t o g e t h e r , t h e v a r i o u s s o c i o l o g i c a l t h e o r i e s o f m a t e s e l e c t i o n c o m p o r t

w e l l w i t h t h e t h e o l o g i c a l m o d e l o f f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s h i p s t h a t w e presented i n

chapter 1 . T h i s w i l l becom e clear as w e describe w h a t m a t e s e l e c t i o n w o u l d

be l i k e i f i t d e v e l o p e d a c c o r d i n g t o t h e p r i n c i p l e s suggested i n o u r t h e o l o g i c a l

m o d e l : c o m m i t m e n t , grace, e m p o w e r m e n t , a n d i n t i m a c y .

A t the b e g i n n i n g o f c o u r t s h i p , t h e r e is a m i n i m a l degree o f c o m m i t m e n t

b e t w e e n t h e p a r t n e r s . W i t h a n i n c r e a s e d degree o f c o m m i t m e n t comes a n

increased sense o f t r u s t a n d security. A n d as m u t u a l c o m m i t m e n t increases,

grace can be e x p e c t e d t o g r o w p r o p o r t i o n a t e l y Grace is e x p e r i e n c e d t h r o u g h

acceptance a n d a p p r e c i a t i o n by t h e p a r t n e r . T h e presence o f grace p r o m o t e s

a f e e l i n g o f s e c u r i t y because d i f f e r e n c e s are respected a n d because there is an

a t m o s p h e r e o f forgiveness w h e n e v e r f a i l u r e occurs. T h e p a r t n e r s are valued

a n d accepted f o r w h o t h e y are a n d n o t f o r w h a t they m i g h t be o r d o f o r the

o t h e r .

O u t o f grace emerges a m u t u a l e m p o w e r m e n t process. I n t h e early stages

o f c o u r t s h i p , t h e c o u p l e may o p e r a t e o n a q u i d p r o q u o basis ( s o m e t h i n g f o r

s o m e t h i n g ) , w i t h each a t t e m p t i n g t o have p e r s o n a l needs m e t t h r o u g h the

r e l a t i o n s h i p . W h e r e t h e r e is a m i n i m a l degree o f c o m m i t m e n t a n d accep-

tance, p a r t n e r s are l i k e l y t o t h i n k m o r e i n t e r m s o f w h a t t h e y c a n get f r o m

a r e l a t i o n s h i p r a t h e r t h a n w h a t t h e y c a n c o n t r i b u t e t o i t . T h e e m p o w e r m e n t

m o d e l is h o p e f u l i n t h a t i t shows t h a t love c a n be elevated above self-centered

exchange. A d e p t h o f c o m m i t m e n t a n d grace can i m b u e e a c h p a r t n e r w i t h

a genuine desire t o e m p o w e r by b o t h g i v i n g t o a n d r e c e i v i n g f r o m the other.

T h i s involves b e i n g interested i n t h e g r o w t h o f the o t h e r p e r s o n a n d f i n d i n g

ways t o e n c o u r a g e t h e p a r t n e r t o r e a c h h i s o r her greatest p o t e n t i a l a n d thus

t o be a l l t h a t G o d created h i m o r h e r t o b e .

M.ik- S e l e c t i o n a n d C o h a b i r a t i o n 55

Some c o u r t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s are n o t e m p o w e r i n g b u t r a t h e r are based o n

i n i i i i i a l d e p e n d e n c y W h e n c o u p l e s are overly d e p e n d e n t o n each other, t h e y

u i u l t o d e m a n d t h a t the p a r t n e r m e e t t h e i r every n e e d . T h e y f a i l t o d e v e l op

i l u i r o w n resources as they l o o k t o each o t h e r t o m e e t a l l t h e i r needs. T h e

I ' x p c c t a t i o n s a n d d i s a p p o i n t m e n t s are e x t r e me w h e n p a r t n e r s focus solely o n

each o t h e r . T h e t e n d e n c y t h e n is t o be possessive a n d d e m a n d i n g r a t h e r t h a n

c i i i p o w e r i n g . Such a desperate n e e d f o r the o t h e r p u t s g r e a t pressure o n t h e

i c l . i i i o n s h i p a n d o f t e n results i n t u r m o i l , jealousy, a n d c h a o s .

( : o d e p e n d e n c y is the exact o p p o s i t e o f d i f f e r e n t i a t i o n as n o t e d i n t r i n i t a r -

i.ui t h e o l o g y , w h e r e distinctiveness a n d u n i t y are i n t e r m i n g l e d . D i f f e r e n t i a t e d 11.1 r i n e t s are r e s p o n s i b l e t o G o d f o r t h e i r lives a n d t h e r e f o r e b r i n g u n i q u e g i f t s I I 1 1 he c o u p l e r e l a t i o n s h i p . T h e y act i n t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p o u t o f s t r e n g t h r a t h e r ill.111 d e f i c i t . T h e y are able t o ask f o r w h a t they w o u l d l i k e w i t h o u t d e m a n d - i n g the p a r t n e r p r o v i d e i t . B e i n g c e n t e r e d i n C h r i s t gives t h e m confidence t h a t

( K K ! is t h e best resource t o g u i d e , e m p o w e r , n u r t u r e , i n s p i r e , a n d soothe. T h e y

l i i o k to G o d f o r p e r s o n a l g r o w t h b u t also o p e n l y share a n d o f f e r themselves

lo t . i c h o t h e r i n t h a t process. W h e n spouses c l i n g t o each o t h e r f o r dear l i f e

III a r a g i n g r i v e r , t h e y p e r p e t u a t e a n e n a b l i n g system i n w h i c h t h e y b o t h are likely t o d r o w n together. B u t w h e n s u f f i c i e n t l y d i f f e r e n t i a t e d , t h e y are a s t r o n g

resource f o r each o t h e r so t h a t w h e n o n e is s t r u g g l i n g , t h e p a r t n e r is s t a n d i n g

cm s o l i d g r o u n d t o e x t e n d a h e l p i n g h a n d .

I'.cclesiastes 4 : 9 - 1 2 refers t o t h i s idea t h a t t w o s u f f i c i e n t persons are b e t -

i n i j i a n o n e a l o n e . Because t h e y b r i n g t h e i r u n i q u e s t r e n g t h s t o the u n i o n ,

i l i i y can be t h e r e f o r each o t h e r r a t h e r t h a n be d r a g g e d d o w n i n a n o v e r l y

dependent r e l a t i o n s h i p . " T w o are b e t t e r t h a n o n e , because t h e y have a g o o d

icvv.ird f o r t h e i r t o i l . For i f they f a l l , o n e w i l l l i f t u p t h e o t h e r ; b u t woe t o o n e

w h o is a l o n e a n d falls a n d does n o t have a n o t h e r t o h e l p . A g a i n , i f t w o l i e

l(| '̂,l•ther, t h e y keep w a r m ; b u t h o w c a n one keep w a r m alone? A n d t h o u g h

(ine m i g h t p r e v a i l against a n o t h e r , t w o w i l l w i t h s t a n d o n e . A t h r e e f o l d c o r d I N not q u i c k l y b r o k e n . " B e i n g u n i t e d i n u n i q u e strengths a n d m a k i n g G o d t h e

c r n t e r o f t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p (a t h r e e f o l d c o r d ) presents a w o n d e r f u l i m a g e o f

i n . i r i t a l p a r t n e r s h i p a n d u n i o n .

We l i v e i n a s o c i e t y t h a t e n c o u r a g e s p e o p l e t o t h i n k t h a t t h e y can have

i n s i . i n t g r a t i f i c a t i o n . T h i s m e n t a l i t y c a r r i e s over i n t o t h e d a t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p ,

v\I re p e o p l e l o o k f o r i n s t a n t s e x u a l i n t i m a c y . T h e p r e v a l e n c e o f a n i n s t a n t

x c x i i a l g r a t i f i c a t i o n e t h i c has r e s u l t e d i n t h e e m e r g e n c e o f t h e c o n c e p t o f

" h o o k i n g u p , " d e f i n e d as i n t i m a t e p h y s i c a l b e h a v i o r o u t s i d e o f a c o m m i t -

i i i l r e l a t i o n s h i p . H o o k i n g u p seems t o be less a b o u t d a t i n g i n o r d e r t o g e t

ii> k n o w t h e o t h e r a n d m o r e a b o u t s e x u a l f u l f i l l m e n t . Research o n h o o k i n g

np . i i n o i i g c o l l e g e s t u d e n t s r e p o r t s t h a t i t can r e s u l t i n b o t h p o s i t i v e a n d

56 M a r r i a g e

n e g a t i v e experiences, " w i t h w o m e n b e i n g m o r e l i k e l y t o r e p o r t i t as a n e g a -

t i v e e x p e r i e n c e t h a n m e n " ( O w e n a n d F i n c h a m 2 0 1 1 ) . N e g a t i v e e m o t i o n a l

r e a c t i o n s w e r e r e l a t e d t o " r e p o r t s o f depressive s y m p t o m s a n d f e e l i n g s o f

l o n e l i n e s s , " w h i l e p o s i t i v e e m o t i o n a l r e l a t i o n s h a d t o d o w i t h h o p e f o r t h e

p o s s i b i l i t y o f a c o m m i t t e d r e l a t i o n s h i p (321). T h i s f i n d i n g seems t o p o i n t o u t

t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f the b i b l i c a l w i s d o m t h a t s e x u a l i n v o l v e m e n t is best w h e n

p a r t o f a c o m m i t t e d r e l a t i o n s h i p .

I n o u r t h e o l o g i c a l m o d e l , i n t i m a c y e n t a i l s a d e e p level o f k n o w i n g a n d

b e i n g k n o w n t h r o u g h u n d e r s t a n d i n g , l i s t e n i n g , c a r i n g , a n d s h a r i n g . I t is n o t

s i m p l y a p h y s i c a l o r s e x u a l e n c o u n t e r b u t a d e e p l y f e l t process o f b e c o m i n g

k n o w n . A c c o r d i n g l y , i n t i m a c y b u i l d s o n c o m m i t m e n t , grace, a n d e m p o w -

e r m e n t . U s i n g these f o u n d a t i o n a l b i b l i c a l c o n c e p t s , p e o p l e w h o t r u s t t h e

c o m m i t m e n t , w h o e x p e r i e n c e acceptance a n d f o r g i v e n e s s d u r i n g c o u r t s h i p ,

a n d w h o f i n d t h e i r p a r t n e r i n t e r e s t e d i n a n d a c t i v e l y a f f i r m i n g e m p o w e r m e n t

d u r i n g t h e c o u r t i n g p r o c e s s w i l l feel safe e n o u g h t o be m o r e h o n e s t a n d

r e v e a l i n g . T h e y are w i l l i n g t o t a k e o f f t h e i r m a s k s a n d resist t h e t e m p t a -

t i o n t o p u t o n pretenses. T h e y share w i t h a d e s i r e t r u l y t o k n o w each o t h e r .

T h e c o u p l e is m o r e i n t e r e s t e d i n a r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e o t h e r p e r s o n t h a n

i n t h e m e r e pleasure t h a t p e r s o n can give i n a s u p e r f i c i a l sexual e n c o u n t e r .

I n t i m a c y o f t h i s n a t u r e l e a d s t o deeper levels o f c o m m i t m e n t , g r a c e , a n d

e m p o w e r m e n t .

C e r t a i n beliefs a b o u t m a t e s e l e c t i o n , suc h as " l o v e is e n o u g h " o r " t h e r e

is a o n e a n d o n l y f o r m e , " m a y be a serious h i n d r a n c e i n d i s c e r n i n g G o d ' s

w i l l . A research study has i d e n t i f i e d seven such constraining beliefs t h a t l i m i t ,

i n h i b i t , h i n d e r , o r p e r p e t u a t e exaggerated o r false e x p e c t a t i o n s a b o u t m a t e

s e l e c t i o n ( C o b b , L a r s o n , a n d W a t s o n 2003). T h e b e l i e f s t h a t " t h e r e is a o n e

a n d o n l y , t h a t love is e n o u g h , t h a t c o h a b i t i n g b e f o r e m a r r i a g e w i l l i m p r o v e

chances o f b e i n g h a p p i l y m a r r i e d , t h a t I w i l l have c o m p l e t e assurance, t h a t

t h e m a t c h w i l l make a p e r f e c t r e l a t i o n s h i p , t h a t c h o o s i n g s h o u l d be easy a n d

e f f o r t l e s s , a n d t h a t o n e s h o u l d choose s o m e o n e t o m a r r y w h o s e p e r s o n a l

c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s are the o p p o s i t e o f t h e i r o w n " seem t o adversely a f f e c t m a t e

s e l e c t i o n . T h e s e m y t h s b l u r t h e c l a r i t y o f v i s i o n n e e d e d w h e n c h o o s i n g a

m a t e . T h e s t u d y discovered t h a t " m e n a n d w o m e n w e r e f o u n d t o be e q u a l l y

s u s c e p t i b l e t o c o n s t r a i n i n g b e l i e fs a b o u t m a t e s e l e c t i o n , w i t h the e x c e p t i o n o f

t h e O n e a n d O n l y belief, t h e I d e a l i z a t i o n belief, a n d t h e C o m p l e t e A s s u r a n c e

b e l i e f , a l l o f w h i c h w o m e n a p p e a r t o e n d o r s e t o a s l i g h t l y g r e a t e r d e g r e e "

( 2 2 9 ) . A n a d d i t i o n a l f i n d i n g w o r t h n o t i n g is t h a t M o r m o n s h a d s i g n i f i c a n t l y

f e w e r c o n s t r a i n i n g b e l i e f s , w h i c h a l o n g w i t h t h e i r s t r o n g emphasis o n m a r -

r i a g e p r e p a r a t i o n may p a r t i a l l y a c c o u n t f o r t h e i r l o w e r d i v o r c e rate s w h e n

c o m p a r e d t o n o n - M o r m o n s .

M . i i e Selection and C o h a b i t a t i o n 57

(ioliabitation: A Path toward or Alternative to Marriage

V n t u a l l y a l l i n d u s t r i a l i z e d societies i n t h e l a s t fifty years have e x p e r i e n c e d

,1 d r a m a t i c increase i n c o h a b i t a t i o n . T h i s increase is t r u e f o r p r e m a r i t a l c o - l i . i b i t a t i o n a n d c o h a b i t a t i o n f o l l o w i n g d i v o r c e o r t h e d e a t h o f a s p o u s e . I n

i l n ' U n i t e d States, c o h a b i t a t i o n has i n c r e a s e d s e v e n t e e n - f o ld b e t w e e n 1960

, I I K 1 2 0 1 0—f r o m a b o u t 450,000 people i n 1960 t o m o r e t h a n 7.5 m i l l i o n t o d a y ( W i l c o x 2 0 1 1 , 7 5 ) . M o s t m a r r i a g e s a n d r e m a r r i a g e s t a k i n g p l a c e t o d a y w i l l

In preceded by a c o h a b i t i n g a r r a n g e m e n t .

O u r g o a l i n t h i s s e c t i o n is t o develop a C h r i s t i a n perspective o n t h e t o p i c .

We d r a w o n e x i s t i n g research, m a i n l y s e l f - r e p o r t e d responses t o survey research

q u e s t i o n n a i r e s o r i n t e r v i e w s , t o u n d e r s t a n d t h i s p h e n o m e n o n m o r e f u l l y We

11 insider the reasons p e o p l e choose t o c o h a b i t a n d e x a m i n e t h e i m p a c t o f t h i s I r e n d . We offer a respons e t o c o h a b i t a t i o n t h a t is i n f o r m e d by b o t h b i b l i c a l .Mill social-scientific l i t e r a t u r e . We begin by a d d r e s s i n g the q u e s t i o n o f w h e t h e r p i e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n is a n alternative to m a r r i a g e o r a step toward m a r r i a g e .

Is Cohabitation a Step toward Marriage?

A c t u a l l y , p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n is n o t a n e w i d e a , f o r as e a r l y as 1966

. M i i h r o p o l o g i s t M a r g a r e t M e a d p r o p o s e d a t w o - s t e p p l a n for single a d u l t s . T h e

l i i s t step, trial marriage, w o u l d be a t i m e f o r t h e c o u p l e t o d e t e r m i n e w h e t h e r

I hey were c o m p a t i b l e ; a n d the second step w o u l d be t o legalize the union w h e n

the c o u p l e decided t o have c h i l d r e n . A f e w years later, Scriven (1968) p r o p o s e d

.1 three-stage p l a n w h e r e b y a r e l a t i o n s h i p p r o g r e s s e d f r o m sexual satisfaction, t o social security, t o sensible spawning. T h e i d e a was f o r c o u p l e s t o establish

I o i i t r a c t s f o r stated p e r i o d s o f t i m e a n d p e r i o d i c a l l y renew t h e m as t h e y saw

l i t . I n 1997, M c R a e s u r m i s e d t h a t c o h a b i t a t i o n w o u l d serve as a t y p e o f m a r -

r i a g e p r e p a r a t i o n , a stage t h a t occurs b e t w e e n c o u r t s h i p a n d m a r r i a g e . H e

teasoned t h a t c o h a b i t i n g w o u l d give t h e c o u p l e a chance t o test t h e degree o f

e o n i p a t i b i l i t y , a n d i f t h e i r personalities " f i t , " t h e y w o u l d move t o m a r r i a g e .

What Does Culture Have to Do with It?

I n t e r m s o f a c c e p t a b i l i t y o f c o h a b i t a t i o n i n v a r i o u s c u l t u r e s , H e u v e l i n e

.11 i d T i m b e r l a k e (2004) f o u n d t h a t c o h a b i t a t i o n h a d d i f f e r e n t m e a n i n g s w i t h respect t o f a m i l y f o r m a t i o n , values, a n d c u l t u r a l s a n c t i o n s . T h e y d e s c r i b e a

c o n t i n u u m o f a t t i t u d e s , based o n t h e i r s t u d y o f c o h a b i t a t i o n i n s i x t e e n i n d u s -

I r i a l societies. A t o n e e n d o f the s p e c t r u m , c o h a b i t a t i o n is marginal because i t

is c u l t u r a l l y rejected o r even p e n a l i z e d i n these societies. Societies w i t h a m o r e

m o d e r a t e v i e w may a c c e p t c o h a b i t a t i o n as a p r e l u d e t o m a r r i a g e b u t expect

58 M a r r i a g e

the l e g a H z a t i o n o f m a r r i a g e p r i o r t o b r i n g i n g c h i l d r e n i n t o t h e h o m e . M o r e

o p e n c u l t u r e s d i s t i n g u i s h c o h a b i t a t i o n as an alternative to marriage o r a stage

in the marital process; a n d at t h e o t h e r e n d o f the s p e c t r u m are culture s t h a t

give t o t a l a c c e p t a n c e ( n o r t h e r n E u r o p e a n c o u n t r i e s ) w h e r e c o h a b i t a t i o n is

a c t u a l l y indistinguishable from marriage w i t h c e r t a i n l e g a l r i g h t s .

N o r t h A m e r i c a is somewhere i n t h e m i d d l e o f t h i s c o n t i n u u m , where co-

h a b i t a t i o n is c o n s i d e r e d an a l t e r n a t i v e single lifestyl e as w e l l as a n a l t e r n a t i v e

t o m a r r i a g e . I n t h e U n i t e d States, age seems t o make a d i f f e r e n c e i n t h a t " o l d e r

c o h a b i t e r s are m o r e l i k e l y t o v i e w t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p as a n a l t e r n a t i v e t o m a r -

riage, whereas y o u n g e r c o h a b i t e r s v i e w t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p as a p r e l u d e t o i t "

( K i n g a n d S c o t t 2005, 271). I n g e n e r a l , t h e m o r e a c c e p t i n g a society's a t t i t u d e

t o w a r d c o h a b i t a t i o n , the m o r e c o h a b i t a t i o n w i l l be d e f i n e d as an a l t e r n a t i v e

t o m a r r i a g e ( P e r e l l i - H a r r i s a n d Gassen 2012).

Making the Decision to Cohabit

I n an e f f o r t t o answer the q u e s t i o n a b o u t w h y c o u p l e s choose t o c o h a b i t ,

H u a n g et a l . ( 2 0 1 1 , 876) r e p o r t t h a t t h e p r i m a r y motives f o r c o h a b i t i n g i n c l u d e

" s p e n d i n g t i m e t o g e t h e r , s h a r i n g expenses, a n d e v a l u a t i n g c o m p a t i b i l i t y . "

M a n y c o u p l e s a d m i t t e d l y decide t o c o h a b i t f o r the c o n v e n i e n c e , c o m p a n i o n -

s h i p , a n d e x c l u s i v e sexual r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h a chosen p a r t n e r , regardless o f

w h e t h e r t h e r e is a n i n t e n t i o n t o m a r r y o r n o t .

W H A T D O E S L O V E H A V E T O D O W I T H I T ?

Since t h e r o l e o f r o m a n t i c love w a s addressed p r e v i o u s l y , w e s u m m a r i z e

o n l y t h a t w h a t d i s t i n g u i s h e s m o d e r n f o r m s o f r e l a t i o n s h i p c o u p l i n g f r o m the

past is t h e g r e a t e r f r e e d o m y o u n g a d u l t s have t o p u r s u e s e x u a l / r o m a n t i c rela-

t i o n s h i p s w i t h o u t p a r e n t a l i n v o l v e m e n t . N o longer is m a r r i a g e an e c o n o m i c

a r r a n g e m e n t , c o n t r o l l e d and a r r a n g e d by parents, b u t a p a r t i c i p a n t - r u n system

i n w h i c h t h e c o n c e p t o f love drive s t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p . A d e c o u p l i n g o f e c o n o m -

ics, sex, a n d c o m m i t m e n t f r o m m a r r i a g e has led t o a g r o w i n g n u m b e r w h o

choose t o c o h a b i t a n d delay m a r r i a g e (the m e d i a n age f o r f i r s t m a r r i a g e n o w

stands at 26 f o r w o m e n a n d 28 f o r m e n ) . C o p e n et a l . (2012) n o t e , " I f e n t r y

i n t o any t y p e o f u n i o n , m a r r i a g e o r c o h a b i t a t i o n , is t a k e n i n t o a c c o u n t , t h e n

the t i m i n g o f a f i r s t u n i o n o c c u r s a t r o u g h l y the same p o i n t i n the l i f e course

as m a r r i a g e d i d i n the p a s t . "

W H A T D O E S C O M M I T M E N T H A V E T O D O W I T H I T ?

By its v e r y n a t u r e , a c o h a b i t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p is one i n w h i c h c o m m i t m e n t is

a m b i g u o u s . P o p e n o e a n d W h i t e h e a d (2002) believe a h i g h c o m m i t m e n t e t h i c

M.iie S e l e c t i o n a n d C o h a b i t a t i o n 59

IS necessary f o r m a r i t a l s t a b i l i t y , so they w a r n a g a i n s t c o h a b i t a t i o n f o r t h a t

very r e a s o n . M a r r i a g e researcher a n d C h r i s t i a n t h e r a p i s t Scott Stanley a n d c o l -

leagues (2006) describe c o h a b i t i n g as " r e l a t i o n s h i p i n e r t i a " i n w h i c h c o h a b i t e r s

. H V " s l i d i n g " r a t h e r t h a n " d e c i d i n g " o n a m a r i t a l p a r t n e r . H e concludes t h a t

n u n w h o l i v e w i t h w o m e n t h e y e v e n t u a l l y m a r r y are n o t as c o m m i t t e d t o t h e

u n i o n as t h o s e w h o d i d n o t l i v e w i t h t h e i r mates b e f o r e m a r r i a g e .

S m o c k (2000) d i s c o v e r e d t h a t c o h a b i t i n g m e n a n d w o m e n d i f f e r i n t h e

vv.iy t h e y c o n c e p t u a l i z e c o m m i t m e n t . She f o u n d t h a t w o m e n t e n d t o perceive

> i i h a b i t a t i o n as a step p r i o r t o m a r r i a g e , whereas m e n are i n c l i n e d t o v i e w

K i l i a b i t a t i o n as a step p r i o r t o m a k i n g a c o m m i t m e n t . W h e n i t c o m e s t o

i l i a w b a c k s o f c o h a b i t i n g , H u a n g et a l . (2011) f o u n d t h a t " m e n [are] m o r e

c o n c e r n e d a b o u t loss o f f r e e d o m , w h i l e w o m e n arc m o r e c o n c e r n e d w i t h d e -

l.iys i n m a r r i a g e , " p o i n t i n g o u t t h a t gender n o r m s a b o u t r e l a t i o n s h i p i n t i m a c y

govern c o h a b i t i n g u n i o n s (876).

R h o a d e s , Stanley, a n d M a r k m a n (2006, 553) r e p o r t t h a t " m e n w h o c o h a b -

iiecl w i t h t h e i r spouse b e f o r e e n g a g e m e n t were less d e d i c a t e d t h a n m e n w h o

c o h a b i t e d o n l y a f t e r e n g a g e m e n t o r n o t at a l l b e f o r e m a r r i a g e , " a n d a f t e r

m a r r i a g e , these husbands w e r e "less d e d i c a t e d t o t h e i r wive s t h a n t h e i r w i v e s

were t o t h e m . " These r e s e a r c h e r s w o n d e r i f s o m e c o u p l e s w h o o t h e r w i s e

w o u l d n o t have m a r r i e d e n d u p m a r r i e d due t o w h a t t h e y refer t o as the inertia

of cohabitation. I n o t h e r w o r d s , t h e c o u p l e s i m p l y r e m a i n s i n a r e l a t i o n s h i p

regardless o f q u a l i t y o r f i t . T h e o b v i o u s i m p l i c a t i o n is t h a t persons d o n o t

make t h e i r e x p e c t a t i o n s a b o u t m a r r i a g e e x p l i c i t p r i o r t o c o h a b i t i n g , a n d t h a t

becomes a p r o b l e m after t h e y m a r r y

In a representative sample o f 1,294 u n m a r r i e d i n d i v i d u a l s c o m p a r i n g c o h a b -

it m g w i t h n o n c o h a b i t i n g ( d a t i n g ) r e l a t i o n s h i p s , R h o a d e s , Stanley, a n d M a r k -

i n . i n ( 2 0 1 2 , 3 4 8 ) f o u n d t h a t i n i t i a l l y " c o h a b i t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s were c h a r a c t e r -

ized by m o r e c o m m i t m e n t , l o w e r s a t i s f a c t i o n , m o r e n e g a t i v e c o m m u n i c a t i o n ,

and m o r e p h y s i c a l a g g r e s s i o n t h a n d a t i n g [ n o n c o h a b i t i n g ] r e l a t i o n s h i p s . "

These a u t h o r s s u m m a r i z e t h a t t h e t r a n s i t i o n f r o m d a t i n g t o c o h a b i t a t i o n is

i l e c l i n i n g " i n m o s t indices o f r e l a t i o n s h i p q u a l i t y as w e l l as i n i n t e r p e r s o n a l

1 1 i i n m i t m e n t a f t e r c o h a b i t a t i o n b e g a n , t h o u g h t h e f r e q u e n c y o f sex increase d

t e m p o r a r i l y . "

E V E N T U A L O U T C O M E S

W h i l e these studies are q u i t e b l e a k w h e n i t c o m e s t o m a r i t a l o u t c o m e s , a

c o u p l e ' s o r p a r t n e r ' s v i e w a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f a u n i q u e c o h a b i t a t i o n agree-

m e n t is c e r t a i n l y an i m p o r t a n t f a c t o r i n w h e t h e r t h e y w i l l end u p i n a stable

I I I .1 t r i a g e . I t is p r o b a b l y w i s e t o recognize t h a t f o r s o m e couples c o h a b i t a t i o n IS an alternative t o m a r r i a g e a n d f o r o t h e r s i t is c o n s i d e r e d a stage i n t h e

60 M a r r i a g e

r e l a t i o n s h i p t h a t leads t o m a r r i a g e . Each i n t e r p r e t a t i o n m i g h t be t r u e o f d i f -

f e r e n t i n d i v i d u a l s a n d b o t h m i g h t be t r u e o f t h e same i n d i v i d u a l s a t d i f f e r e n t

t i m e s i n t h e i r lives.

D o c s Premarital Cohabitation Lead to Marital Adjustment?

T h e i n i t i a l p r e d i c t i o n b y socia l scientists t o p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n was

t h a t i t w o u l d lead t o b e t t e r m a r r i a g e s ( T r o s t 1975). T h i s s t e m m e d f r o m the

i d e a t h a t c o h a b i t i n g w o u l d serve as a s c r e e n i n g d e v i ce t h a t w o u l d l a t e r ensure

t h e c o m p a t i b i l i t y o f p r o s p e c t i v e spouses ( D a n z i n g e r 1976). I t w a s f u r t h e r

r e a s o n e d t h a t c o h a b i t e r s w o u l d g a i n e x p e r i e n c e i n i n t i m a c y a n d t h e r e f o r e

d e v e l o p a greater degree o f r e l a t i o n a l c o m p e t e n c e necessary f o r a n e n d u r i n g

a n d f u l f i l l i n g m a r r i a g e ( P e t e r m a n 1975).

A n a c c u m u l a t i o n o f research o n the o u t c o m e o f m a r r i a g e s a t i s f a c t i o n pre-

ceded by c o h a b i t a t i o n has f a i l e d t o s u p p o r t t h o s e o p t i m i s t i c p r e d i c t i o n s . N o c k

(1995) f o u n d t h a t c o h a b i t e r s , w h e n c o m p a r e d t o m a r r i e d persons, h a d p o o r e r

r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h p a r e n t s a n d expressed l o w e r levels o f c o m m i t m e n t a n d

h a p p i n e s s w i t h c o m p a r a b l e m a r r i e d i n d i v i d u a l s . K u l u a n d B o y l e (2010 , 881)

i n d i c a t e d t h a t c o h a b i t a t i o n p r i o r t o m a r r i a g e w a s related t o l o w e r c o m m i t m e n t

t o t h e p a r t n e r , increased i n c i d e n c e o f d i v o r c e , l o w e r m a r i t a l s a t i s f a c t i o n , a n d

h i g h e r rates o f w i f e i n f i d e l i t y Treas (2000) r e p o r t e d t h a t c o h a b i t i n g c o u p l e s

are m o r e l i k e l y t o e x p e r i e n c e i n f i d e l i t y , w h i l e B i n s t o c k and A r l a n d (2003) f o u n d

t h a t c o h a b i t i n g couple s w e r e m o r e l i k e l y t o separate a n d less l i k e l y t o r e c o n c i le

a f t e r a s e p a r a t i o n w h e n c o m p a r e d t o m a r r i e d c o u p l e s . A a r s k a u g , K e i z e r , a n d

L a p p e g a r d (2012) g a t h e r e d a large sample o f 41,760 m a r i t a l a n d c o h a b i t i n g

u n i o n s across E u r o p e a n d have c o n f i r m e d t h a t c o h a b i t a t i o n is related t o m a r i t a l

i n s t a b i l i t y i n E u r o p e a n societies. T h e y r e p o r t t h a t " i n a l l c o u n t r i e s c o h a b i t e r s

m o r e o f t e n h a d b r e a k u p p l a n s a n d were less s a t i s f i e d w i t h t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p s

t h a n i n d i v i d u a l s w h o m a r r i e d " (389). These researchers f u r t h e r r e p o r t t h a t the

d i f f e r e n c e s i n r e l a t i o n s h i p s a t i s f a c t i o n w e r e greatest i n those c o u n t r i e s w h e r e

c o h a b i t a t i o n was least p r e v a l e n t .

I n 1988, one o f t h e m o s t extensive studies based o n a n a t i o n a l r a n d o m sam-

p l e o f over 2,000 m a r r i e d persons f o u n d t h a t w h e n c o m p a r e d t o n o n c o h a b i t i n g

c o u p l e s , those w h o m a r r i e d a f t e r h a v i n g c o h a b i t e d experienced l o w e r levels o f

m a r i t a l success i n the f o l l o w i n g f o u r respects: (1) t h e y h a d less marital interac-

tion—determined by s p e n d i n g t i m e t o g e t h e r e a t i n g meals, s h o p p i n g , v i s i t i n g

f r i e n d s , w o r k i n g o n p r o j e c t s , o r g o i n g o u t f o r l e i s u r e l y o r recreationa l a c t i v i t i e s ;

(2) t h e y h a d m o r e f r e q u e n t a n d m o r e serious marital disagreements—including

b e h a v i o r s such as s l a p p i n g , h i t t i n g , p u n c h i n g , k i c k i n g , o r t h r o w i n g t h i n g s at

each o t h e r ; (3) they w e r e m o r e p r o n e t o marital instability—shown t h r o u g h

M . i i f Selection a n d C o h a b i t a t i o n 61

,u l i o n s such as t h i n k i n g the m a r r i a g e w a s i n t r o u b l e o r c o n s i d e r i n g the idea

III g e t t i n g a d i v o r c e ; t a k i n g d i v o r ce a c t i o n such as t a l k i n g t o f r i e n d s o r t h e i r ipouse a b o u t t h e p o s s i b i l i t y o f d i v o r c e , o r c o n s u l t i n g w i t h clergy, counselor,

111 a t t o r n e y ; o r a c t u a l l y s e p a r a t i n g f r o m t h e spouse o r filing a p e t i t i o n f o r divorce; a n d (4) these couples r e p o r t e d a h i g h e r i n c i d e n c e o f divorce ( B o o t h

, i i i d J o h n s o n 1 9 8 8 ) .

A l t h o u g h s u b s e q u e n t research c o n t i n u e d t o s u p p o r t B o o t h a n d Johnson's

i i i k l i n g s , T h o m s o n a n d C o l e l l a (1992) i n t e r p r e t e d the greater d i s s a t i s f a c t i o n i n

previously c o h a b i t i n g marriages as h a v i n g m o r e t o d o w i t h t h e u n c o n v e n t i o n a l

,111 nudes a n d l i f e s t y l e s o f these c o u p l e s t h a n the f a c t t h a t t h e y h a d c o h a b i t e d . \\g m o r e l i b e r a l a t t i t u d e s , such c o u p l e s possessed a g r e a t e r f r e e d o m t o

express d i s s a t i s f a c t i o n a n d t o separate o r d i v o r c e w h e n t h i n g s d i d n o t go w e l l .

I liiwcver, D e M a r i s a n d M a c D o n a l d (1993) disagreed w i t h t h i s c o n c l u s i o n ,

• . i . i i i n g t h a t " c o n t r o l l i n g f o r u n c o n v e n t i o n a l i t y h a d o n l y a m i n i m a l i m p a c t

n i l ihe c o h a b i t a t i o n e f f e c t " (406), a n d p o i n t e d o u t t h a t " a l t h o u g h f a m i l y at-

1 nudes a n d b e l i e f s t e n d t o p r e d i c t t h e attractiveness o f a c o h a b i t i n g l i f e s t y l e , iliey d o n o t a c c o u n t f o r differences b e t w e e n c o h a b i t e r s a n d n o n - c o h a b i t e r s

III i n s t a b i H t y " ( 3 9 9 ) . In a s t u d y o f over 9,000 responses t o a n a t i o n a l survey, Stets (1993) came t o

I lie f o l l o w i n g c o n c l u s i o n : " A f t e r c o n t r o l l i n g f o r o t h e r f a c t o r s , results i n d i c a t e ili.it p r i o r c o h a b i t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s n e g a t i v e l y influenc e c u r r e n t m a r r i e d a n d i n h a b i t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s " (236). A l t h o u g h n o t h a v i n g t h e d a t a t o c o n f i r m i t ,

Siets speculated t h a t those w h o h a d c o h a b i t e d w i t h s o m e o n e o t h e r t h a n the

i i i i e n d e d spouse are predisposed t o p r o b l e m s i n r e l a t i o n s h i p s t h a t c a r r y over

I n f u t u r e r e l a t i o n s h i p s . A d m i t t e d l y , these studies are q u i t e d e s p a i r i n g w h e n i t c o m e s t o c o h a b i t a -

i i nn r e l a t i o n s h i p s a n d f u t u r e m a r i t a l success. H o w e v e r , i t is also i m p o r t a n t I n u n d e r s t a n d t h e d y n a m i c s t h a t o c c u r f o r those c o h a b i t e r s w h o e v e n t u a l l y i i i . i r r y t o b u i l d a successful m a r r i a g e a n d r e m a i n m a r r i e d . Perhaps there are

l e i t a i n q u a l i t i e s t h a t c o n t r i b u t e t o e v e n t u a l m a r i t a l success. A t t h i s p o i n t ,

II may be h e l p f u l t o a t t e m p t t o d e c i p h e r s o m e o f the m o r e c o m p l e x f a c t o r s l i n k i n g p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n a n d e v e n t u a l m a r i t a l s t a b i l i t y o r i n s t a b i l i t y

In the a r t i c l e "Reassessing the L i n k b e t w e e n P r e m a r i t a l C o h a b i t a t i o n a n d

M a r i t a l I n s t a b i l i t y , " Steffen R e i n h o l d (2010) gives " s o m e s u p p o r t t o the thesis

111.11 the o n c e - s t r o n g association b e t w e e n p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n a n d m a r i t a l I list a b i l i t y has w e a k e n e d over t i m e . " C o p e n et a l . (2012,2) l i k e w i s e surmise t h a t .illh o u g h " i t has been w e l l d o c u m e n t e d t h a t w o m e n a n d m e n w h o c o h a b i t w i t h I heir f u t u r e spouse before first m a r r i a g e are m o r e l i k e l y t o d i v o r c e t h a n those w h o d o n o t . . . recent research suggests t h a t the association b e t w e e n p r e m a r i t a l

ei i h a b i t a t i o n a n d m a r i t a l i n s t a b i l i t y f o r first marriages has w e a k e n e d over t i m e . "

62 M a r r i a g e

Is There a Selective Factor?

C e r t a i n l y there are c o h a b i t i n g c o u p l e s w h o have b e e n successful i n f o r m i n g

q u a l i t y m a r r i a g e s , so we ask t h e q u e s t i o n a b o u t selective f a c t o r s t h a t m i g h t

be at w o r k . B r o w n et a l . (2006, 454) conclud e t h a t " s e l e c t i o n f a c t o r s l a r g e l y

a c c o u n t f o r t h e deleterious effects o f p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n o n m a r i t a l suc-

cess." F o r e x a m p l e , c e r t a i n i n d i v i d u a l c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s (less t r a d i t i o n a l , m o r e

i n d e p e n d e n t , less c u l t u r a l l y c o n s t r a i n e d , etc.) m a y p u t s o m e c o h a b i t e r s a t

h i g h e r r i s k f o r m a r i t a l i n s t a b i l i t y K u l i k (2011, 120) f o u n d t h a t " t h e n o n c o -

h a b i t i n g w o m e n r e p o r t e d b e t t e r levels o f a d j u s t m e n t o f spousal c o h e s i o n a n d

d i s p l a y o f a f f e c t i o n , a n d t h e y u s e d strategies o f c o n c e s s i o n t o resolve m a r i t a l

c o n f l i c t s t o a greater e x t e n t t h a n d i d w o m e n w h o c o h a b i t e d . "

I n t h e i r s t u d y o f a n a t i o n a l l y representative s a m p l e o f w o m e n , D e M a r i s a n d

M a c D o n a l d (1993) r e p o r t e d t h a t especially among serial cohabiters t h e r e is

greater i n s t a b i l i t y a m o n g f i r s t - m a r r i e d couples. T e a c h m a n (2003) f o u n d t h a t

p r e m a r i t a l sex a n d p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n are p r e d i c t i v e o f m a r i t a l d i s s o l u t i o n

b u t only f o r w o m e n w h o h a d sex o r c o h a b i t e d w i t h m e n other than their future

husband. C o n t r i b u t i n g f a c t o r s l i k e these need t o be c o n s i d e r e d w h e n m a k i n g

p r e d i c t i o n s and/or g e n e r a l i z a t i o n s a b o u t c o h a b i t e r s w h o eventuall y m a r r y

P o o t m a n a n d M i l l s (2012, 357) f o u n d t h a t " j o i n t i n v e s t m e n t s increased as

i n t e r p e r s o n a l c o m m i t m e n t i n c r e a s e d . " C o h a b i t e rs w h o have n o marriag e p l a n s

invest t h e least w h i l e c o u p l e s w h o d i r e c t l y m a r r i e d w i t h o u t p r i o r c o h a b i t a -

t i o n i n v e s t e d t h e m o s t . T h i s r e s e a r c h w o u l d raise t h e q u e s t i o n a b o u t joint

commitment i n t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p a n d degree o f investment a c o u p l e m a k e s

i n t h e i r f u t u r e r e l a t i o n s h i p a n d e v e n t u a l m a r i t a l success a f t e r c o h a b i t a t i o n .

K u l u a n d B o y l e (2010, 881) agree t h a t i t is i m p o r t a n t t o c o n s i d e r t h e p r i o r

c o m m i t m e n t f a c t o r w h i l e r e p o r t i n g general i n c r e a s e d i n c i d e n c e o f d i v o r c e ,

l o w e r m a r i t a l s a t i s f a c t i o n , l o w e r c o m m i t m e n t t o t h e p a r t n e r , a n d h i g h e r rates

o f w i f e i n f i d e l i t y

C l a r k b e r g , Stolzenberg , a n d W a i t e (1995) give i n d i r e c t s u p p o r t f o r a self-

selection e x p l a n a t i o n i n t h e i r a n a l y s i s o f over 12,000 responses t o a n a t i o n a l

survey T h e y c o n c l u d e d t h a t " t h e c h o i c e between c o h a b i t a t i o n a n d m a r r i a g e is

affected by a t t i t u d e s and values t o w a r d w o r k , f a m i l y , use o f leisure t i m e , money,

a n d sex r o l e s , as w e l l as t o w a r d m a r r i a g e i t s e l f " (609) . T h u s , the r e l a t i o n s h i p

b e t w e e n c o h a b i t i n g and d i v o r c e is r e a l , b u t one c a n n o t say t h a t c o h a b i t a t i o n

alone c o n t r i b u t e s t o d i v o r c e .

O t h e r researchers make t h e p o i n t t h a t a single f a c t o r e x p l a n a t i o n b e t w e e n

p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n a n d m a r i t a l i n s t a b i H t y is f a u l t y . A s t u d y based o n over

6,000 r e s p o n d e n t s i n G e r m a n y c o n c l u d e d t h a t t h e same " f a c t o r s t h a t increase

divorce rates also increase p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n r a t e s " ( B r u d e r l , D i c k m a n n ,

M . i l c S e l e c t i o n and C o h a b i t a t i o n 63

. i n d E n g l e h a r d t 1997, 2 0 5 ) . I n s u r v e y i n g over 5 , 0 0 0 C a n a d i a n w o m e n . H a l l

(I '^96) c o n c l u d e d t h a t t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n a n d

d i v o r c e c o u l d be e x p l a i n e d b y t h e tendency f o r c o h a b i t e r s t o i d e a l i z e a p u r e

r e l a t i o n s h i p (in w h i c h o n e is s e l f - a c t u a l i z e d ), w h i c h eventuall y " c o n t a m i n a t e s "

i n , i r r i a g e reality (1). P h i l l i p s a n d Sweeney (2005) f o u n d t h a t p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i -

1,11 i o n w a s p o s i t i v e l y a s s o c i a t e d w i t h s u b s e q u e n t m a r i t a l d i s r u p t i o n a m o n g IK m - H i s p a n i c w h i t e p o p u l a t i o n s b u t n o t a m o n g n o n - H i s p a n i c b l a c k o r M e x i - i ,111 A m e r i c a n s . I n a s i m i l a r v e i n . K i n g a n d S c o t t (2005, 271) d i s c o v e r e d t h a t " o l d e r c o h a b i t e r s r e p o r t s i g n i f i c a n t l y h i g h e r levels o f r e l a t i o n s h i p q u a l i t y a n d

s i . i b i l i t y t h a n y o u n g e r c o h a b i t e r s , a l t h o u g h t h e y are less l i k e l y t o have p l a n s

l o m a r r y t h e i r p a r t n e r s . "

Based o n a sample o f 2 , 7 3 7 r e s p o n d e n t s , M u s i c k a n d B u m p a s s ( 2 0 1 2 , 1)

l o n n d t h a t the change i n " a range o f measures t a p p i n g psychological w e l l - b e i n g ,

h e a l t h , a n d social t i e s " is s i m i l a r i n c o h a b i t i n g a n d m a r r i a g e r e l a t i o n s h i p s .

They c o n c l u d e , " O v e r a l l , difference s tend t o be s m a l l a n d appear t o d i s s i p a t e

over t i m e , w h e n the g r e a t e r i n s t a b i l i t y o f c o h a b i t a t i o n is t a k e n i n t o a c c o u n t . "

T h e N a t i o n a l C e n t e r f o r H e a l t h Statistics r e p o r t e d evidence f r o m t h e N a -

i i o n a l Survey o f F a m i l y G r o w t h ( f r o m a s a m p l i n g o f nearly 13,000 p e o p l e ) t h a t

I he difference s i n m a r i t a l a d j u s t m e n t a n d o u t c o m e between m a r r i e d p e r s o n s w h o h a d a n d w h o h a d n o t c o h a b i t e d is s m a l l (Jayson 2010).

T h e r e are i m p o r t a n t f a c t o r s t o keep i n m i n d as a c o u p l e t r a n s i t i o n s f r o m

c o h a b i t a t i o n t o m a r r i a g e . C a r e m u s t be t a k e n t o resist the a s s u m p t i o n o f a

s t r o n g causal relationship b e t w e e n c o h a b i t a t i o n a n d m a r i t a l f a i l u r e . F a c t o r s

to t a k e i n t o account i n c l u d e t h e f o l l o w i n g : t h e degree o f c o m m i t m e n t ; v a l u i n g

, i n d m a k i n g m a r r i a g e a n d f a m i l y l i f e a p r i o r i t y ; c o m m u n i c a t i o n a n d c o n f l i c t

r e s o l u t i o n l i f e s k i l l s , r e c o g n i z i n g m a r i t a l e x p e c t a t i o n s , and d e v e l o p i n g a d i f f e r -

e n t i a t e d u n i t y ; m a k i n g j o i n t decisions a b o u t c h i l d r e n , roles, a n d careers; a n d

b e i n g i n v o l v e d i n a n e x t e n d e d f a m i l y and/or f a i t h c o m m u n i t y t h a t s u p p o r t s

, i n d encourages c o v e n a n t v o w s .

How Does Cohabitation Impact Children?

T h i n k i n g b e y o n d t h e p r o s a n d cons o f p r e m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n f o r a c o u -

p l e , w e n o w consider h o w c h i l d r e n are i m p a c t e d . H e u v e l i n e a n d T i m b e r l a k e

(2004) c i t e studies e s t i m a t i n g t h a t between 25 a n d 40 percent o f a l l c h i l d r e n

s p e n d s o m e t i m e i n a c o h a b i t i n g a r r a n g e m e n t . B r o w n (2006) r e p o r t t h a t w h e n

c o m p a r e d t o c h i l d r e n g r o w i n g u p w i t h m a r r i e d c o u p l e s , c h i l d r e n g r o w i n g u p

w i t h c o h a b i t i n g c o u p l e s t e n d t o have w o r s e l i f e o u t c o m e s . Since c o h a b i t i n g

p . I r e n t s break u p at a m u c h h i g h e r rate t h a n m a r r i e d p a r e n t s , t h e i m p a c t o f

c o h a b i t i n g o n c h i l d r e n c a n be d e v a s t a t i n g .

64 M a r r i a g e

A r o n s o n (2004) finds t h a t a m o n g m o t h e r s w i t h i n f a n t s , t h o s e i n c o h a b i t -

i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s t e n d t o fare f a r w o r s e e c o n o m i c a l l y t h a n m a r r i e d m o t h e r s .

Popenoe a n d W h i t e h e a d (2005) p o i n t t o e v i d e n c e o f h i g h e r r i s k o f sexual

abuse a n d p h y s i c a l v i o l e n c e a m o n g c h i l d r e n i n c o h a b i t i n g u n i o n s . D e L e i r e a n d

K a l i l (2005, 286) r e p o r t the r a t h e r s o b e r i n g finding t h a t " c o h a b i t i n g - p a r e n t

f a m i l i e s , c o m p a r e d t o m a r r i e d - p a r e n t f a m i l i e s , spend a g r e a t e r a m o u n t o n

t w o a d u l t g o o d s ( a l c o h o l a n d t o b a c c o ) a n d a smaller a m o u n t o n e d u c a t i o n . "

T h e i m p l i c a t i o n s are t h a t c o h a b i t i n g p a r e n t s invest less i n t h e w e l f a r e o f t h e i r

c h i l d r e n t h a n m a r r i e d parents d o .

I n a s t u d y o f 2 , 1 6 0 f a m i l i e s , Schmeer ( 2 0 1 1 , 1 8 1 ) r e p o r t s " w o r s e h e a l t h f o r

c h i l d r e n b o r n t o c o h a b i t i n g parents . . . t h a n f o r c h i l d r e n w i t h stable m a r r i e d

p a r e n t s . " I n a d d i t i o n , i t seems t h a t stabl e c o h a b i t a t i o n is n o b e t t e r f o r c h i l d

h e a l t h t h a n c o h a b i t a t i o n d i s s o l u t i o n , a n d a c h i l d ' s h e a l th is b e t t e r a m o n g the

c o h a b i t i n g p a r e n t s w h o m a r r y t h a n f o r t h o s e w h o d o n o t m a r r y

Sociologists D a v i d Popenoe a n d B a r b a r a W h i t e h e a d (2003, 2 0 0 4 , 2005) at

R u t g e r s U n i v e r s i t y have c o m p l e t e d a c o m p r e h e n s i v e r e v i e w o f research o n

c o h a b i t a t i o n b e f o r e m a r r i a g e i n t h e i r y e a r l y r e p o r t o n the state o f m a r r i a g e i n

t h e U n i t e d States. T h e y c a u t i o n y o u n g a d u l t s t o t h i n k t w i c e a b o u t c o h a b i t i n g

p r i o r t o m a r r i a g e , o f f e r i n g the f o l l o w i n g f o u r p r i n c i p l e s . F i r s t , consider not

living together at all before marriage, since there is no evidence to support

the view that cohabiting will result in a stronger marriage. T h e e v i d e n c e ,

t h e y suggest, s h o w s t h a t l i v i n g t o g e t h e r b e f o r e m a r r i a g e increases t h e chance

o f d i v o r c i n g a f t e r m a r r i a g e . T h e e x c e p t i o n m a y be f o r those c o u p l e s w h o are

c o m m i t t e d t o m a r r i a g e , have f o r m a l l y a n n o u n c e d t h e i r e n g a g e m e n t , a n d have

chosen a w e d d i n g d a t e .

T h e second p r i n c i p l e is don't make a habit of cohabiting. T h e y see the

evidence as r e f u t i n g t h e p o p u l a r m y t h t h a t persons l e a r n t o d e v e l o p better

r e l a t i o n s h i p s f r o m a n u m b e r o f f a i l e d c o h a b i t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s . R a t h e r , m u l -

t i p l e c o h a b i t a t i o n is repeatedly f o u n d t o be a s t r o n g p r e d i c t o r o f the f a i l u r e

o f f u t u r e r e l a t i o n s h i p s .

T h e t h i r d p r i n c i p l e is limit cohabitation to the shortest possible period

of time. T h e i n t e n t a n d s p i r i t o f t h i s a d v i c e is based o n t h e i r c o n c l u s i o n t h a t

t h e l o n g e r one lives t o g e t h e r w i t h a p a r t n e r , t h e m o r e l i k e l y i t is t h a t the l o w -

c o m m i t m e n t e t h i c o f c o h a b i t a t i o n w i l l t a k e h o l d . P a r t i c i p a t i o n i n a c o h a b i t -

i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p c a n have an e r o d i n g effect n o t o n l y o n t h e p a r t i c i p a n t s ' v i e w

o f t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f c o m m i t m e n t b u t a l s o o n societal e t h i c s , w h i c h value

u n c o n d i t i o n a l c o m m i t m e n t as a basis f o r m a r r i a g e a n d f a m i l y l i f e .

T h e f o u r t h p r i n c i p l e is don't cohabit when children are involved. T h e s p i r i t

o f t h i s p r i n c i p l e is b a s e d o n t h e v a l u e t h a t c h i l d r e n need a n d s h o u l d have

p a r e n t s w h o are c o m m i t t e d t o s t a y i n g t o g e t h e r f o r t h e m .

M.Ke S e l e c t i o n a n d C o h a b i t a t i o n 65

W h i l e P o p e n o e a n d W h i t e h e a d w r i t e as social s c i e n t i s t s , n o t as advocates

lin a C h r i s t i a n v i e w o f m a r r i a g e , t h e i r advice c e r t a i n l y c o m p o r t s w e l l w i t h

I lie b i b l i c a l w i s d o m t h a t m a r r i a g e is t o be based o n l i f e l o n g covenant c o m - i i i i i m e n t s . T h o s e w h o make a m a r i t a l covenant w i t h t h e i r p a r t n e r w i l l have

.1 better c h a n c e f o r s t a b i l i t y a n d h a p p i n e s s t h a n those w h o m e r e l y slide i n t o 111.irriage t h r o u g h d e f a u l t .

,\ Perspective on Cohabitation

A C h r i s t i a n response t o c o h a b i t a t i o n needs t o be f o r m u l a t e d at several d i f -

I c i c n t levels. W e o r g a n i z e o u r r e s p o n s e a r o u n d f o u r q u e s t i o n s : (1) W h a t is t h e

ii. u u r e o f c o m m i t m e n t i n c o h a b i t i n g re lationships? (2) W h e n are t w o p e o p l e iii. i r r i e d i n t h e s i g h t o f God? (3) Is c o h a b i t a t i o n a t h r e a t t o t h e i n s t i t u t i o n o f iii. u r i a g e ? (4) H o w s h o u l d t h e c h u r c h r e s p o n d t o c o h a b i t i n g couples?

W H A T I S T H E N A T U R E O F C O M M I T M E N T

I N C O H A B I T I N G R E L A T I O N S H I P S ?

T h e p r o m i n e n t reasons p e o p l e e n t e r c o h a b i t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s i n c l u d e l o v e ,

l o m p a n i o n s h i p , sexual e x c l u s i v i t y , e c o n o m i c s , a m b i v a l e n c e t o w a r d m a r r i a g e ,

loneliness, a n d peer pressure. W h e r e a s m a n y o f these are u n d e r s t a n d a b l e rea-

M i ns f o r l i v i n g w i t h a c o m p a n i o n , t h e noticeabl e m i s s i n g piece is c o m m i t m e n t . I here is a m b i v a l e n c e t o t h e i d e a o f m a k i n g a v o w b e f o r e G o d t o c o m m i t

iliemselves t o each o t h e r f o r a l i f e t i m e . T h e b i b l i c a l c o n c e p t o f a " o n e - f l e s h

u n i o n " blessed by G o d is the essential m i s s i n g piece i n a c o h a b i t i n g a r r a n g e -

ment. W h e r e a s a n exclusive s e x u a l u n i o n is a n i m p o r t a n t aspect o f c o h a b i t a -

i i o n , just as i t is i n m a r r i a g e , c o v e n a n t p r o v i d e s an e n d u r i n g , o n g o i n g , f a i t h f u l

c o m m i t m e n t t h r o u g h a l l aspects o f m a r r i e d l i f e . I t is hesed (the H e b r e w r o o t

lor " c o v e n a n t " ) love t h a t p r o m i s e s a f a i t h f u l g i v i n g o f o n e s e l f t o the o t h e r a n d

keeping t h e best interest o f t h e o t h e r i n m i n d " f o r b e t t e r o r w o r s e , r i c h e r o r

poorer, i n sickness a n d h e a l t h , a n d u n t i l d e a t h p a r t s . " T h e m o d e l o f u n c o n -

i l i i i o n a l c o v e n a n t c o m m i t m e n t is a s c r i p t u r a l ideal f o r m a r r i a g e .

T h e c o h a b i t i n g c o u p l e may have a d i f f i c u l t t i m e g r a s p i n g t h e value o f c o v -

enant love. I n d e p e n d e n c e i n s t e a d o f m u t u a l i n t e r d e p e n d e n c e l i m i t s the deep-

est p o s s i b i l i t i e s o f acceptance, e m p o w e r m e n t , a n d i n t i m a c y W h e n p a r t n e r s

are u n c e r t a i n a b o u t p e r m a n e n t c o m m i t m e n t , t h e y are p r o n e t o keep s o m e

ilistance a n d p r o t e c t themselves r a t h e r t h a n o p e n u p i n v u l n e r a b l e ways t o

o n e a n o t h e r . A r e l a t i o n s h i p o f r e l u c t a n c e , a fear o f b e c o m i n g t o o a t t a c h e d , p i l l s e m o t i o n a l b a r r i e r s u p r a t h e r t h a n b r e a k i n g t h e m d o w n . T h u s , o n e o f

I lie biggest p r o b l e m s w i t h c o h a b i t a t i o n is t h a t i t c a n i n h i b i t deeper levels o f personal s h a r i n g a n d k n o w i n g . H o l d i n g oneself b a c k l i m i t s g r o w t h t h r o u g h

66 M a r r i a g e

m u t u a l e m p o w e r m e n t i n t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p a n d keeps p a r t n e r s f r o m d e v e l o p i n g

the deepest c a p a c i t y f o r i n t i m a c y a n d l o v i n g .

I t takes c o u r a g e t o k n o w o n e s e l f a n d t h e n reveal t h a t self t o a p a r t n e r . A

c l a r i f i e d sense o f self a l l o w s a p a r t n e r t o s u r r e n d e r i n s e l f - g i v i n g w a y s . T h e

" f o r e v e r " c o v e n a n t c o m m i t m e n t p r o v i d e s a c a p a c i t y t o share w i t h o u t f e a r .

D i f f e r e n t i a t i o n gives p a r t n e r s f r e e d o m t o express p e r s o n a l l o n g i n g s a n d fears

as w e l l as r e s p o n d t o the p a r t n e r ' s t h o u g h t s , feelings , needs, a n d desires. C o m -

m u n i c a t i n g covenant love t h r o u g h t h o u g h t a n d a c t i o n , regardless o f o b v i o u s

flaws a n d f a i l u r e s , means p a r t n e r s are able t o be " n a k e d a n d n o t a s h a m e d . "

T h e r e is n o l o n g e r a need t o p r o t e c t oneself f r o m a d e e p e r a t t a c h m e n t . G r a c e -

f i l l e d l o v e gives p a r t n e r s t h e c o u r a g e t o r i s k l e t t i n g themselves be k n o w n .

C o v e n a n t , g r a c e , e m p o w e r m e n t , a n d i n t i m a c y are t h e essential i n g r e d i e n t s

o f a c o m m i t t e d r e l a t i o n s h i p .

W H E N A R E T w o P E O P L E M A R R I E D I N T H E S I G H T O F G O D ?

T h e c o v e n a n t a l basis f o r C h r i s t i a n m a r r i a g e is m o d e l e d a f t e r the c o v e n a n t

G o d m a d e w i t h I s r a e l . G o d is p i c t u r e d as t r u s t w o r t h y a n d forever f a i t h f u l

i n e x p r e s s i n g u n c o n d i t i o n a l l o v e t o t h e p e o p l e o f G o d . T h e very f o u n d a t i o n

o f c o v e n a n t love is p e r m a n e n c e , u p o n w h i c h s e x u a l a n d e m o t i o n a l i n t i m a c y

are b a s e d . T r u s t w o r t h i n e s s a n d f a i t h f u l n e s s are t h e f r u i t o f a f o r e v e r l o v e

t h a t e s t a b l i s h e s a s o l i d f o u n d a t i o n f o r secure c o n n e c t i o n . T h e d e e p e n i n g o f

love t h r o u g h o u t the years e x p a n d s i n t o an even f u l l e r a n d m o r e c o m p l e t e

c o v e n a n t .

James O l t h u i s (1975) argues t h a t S c r i p t u r e calls f o r t w o m a i n c o n d i t i o n s

t o be p r e s e n t between t w o p e r s o n s w h o j o i n t h e i r lives t o g e t h e r : ( I ) t h a t t h e

r e l a t i o n s h i p be based o n a m u t u a l l y shared covenantal c o m m i t m e n t and (2) t h a t

i t be c o n s u m m a t e d t h r o u g h s e x u a l i n t e r c o u r s e . T h i s places the d e c i s i o n t o

m a r r y s q u a r e l y o n the t w o p a r t i c i p a n t s i n v o l v e d . I f O l t h u i s ' s u n d e r s t a n d i n g

o f S c r i p t u r e is c o r r e c t , a c o u p l e c a n cement t h e i r c o v e n a n t c o m m i t m e n t i n a

v a r i e t y o f w a y s , w i t h o u t f u l f i l l i n g a l l o f the societal e x p e c t a t i o n s f o r m a r r i a g e .

T h i s leads t o several i m p o r t a n t q u e s t i o n s .

F i r s t , does t h e c o u p l e need c o n s e n t f r o m p a r e n t s o r f a m i l y before t h e y c a n

be c o n s i d e r e d m a r r i e d before G o d ? W h i l e p a r e n t a l c o n s e n t was p a r t o f J e w i s h

m a r r i a g e d u r i n g b i b l i c a l t i m e s , t h i s was a c u l t u r a l p r a c t i c e based o n t h e m a t e -

s e l e c t i o n process. W h e r e a s p a r e n t a l consent is c e r t a i n l y d e s i r a b l e, i t w o u l d

be d i f f i c u l t t o f i n d s c r i p t u r a l e v i d e n c e t h a t i t is a r e q u i r e m e n t f o r m a r r i a g e .

S e c o n d , does a c o u p l e need t o m a k e t h e i r c o m m i t m e n t before a c o m m u n i t y

o f believers before they are m a r r i e d i n G o d ' s sight? O n e c o u l d argue t h a t w h i l e

i t is w i s e t o have s u p p o r t f r o m a f a i t h c o m m u n i t y , i t is n o t a s c r i p t u r a l d i r e c t i v e .

Ray T a n n a h i l l (1980) p o i n t s o u t t h a t ecclesiastical c o n s e n t t o m a r r y a c t u a l l y

M . i l r S e l e c t i o n and C o h a b i t a t i o n 67

began i n the t w e l f t h c e n t u r y w h e n the R o m a n C a t h o l i c C h u r c h d e c r e e d t h a t

Mi.ii riage c o u l d c o m m e n c e o n l y by consent o f t h e C h u r c h . T h i r d , is the c o n s e n t o f c i v i l a u t h o r i t i e s needed? T h o s e w h o b e l i e ve t h a t

|ieisons s h o u l d have t h e c o n s e n t o f the c i v i l a u t h o r i t i e s p o i n t t o h e a l t h c o n -

i e i i i s — f o r e x a m p l e , b l o o d tests f o r negative R h f a c t o r o r sexually t r a n s m i t t e d

. l i s e a s e s — w h i c h have r a m i f i c a t i o n s f o r each p a r t n e r a n d t h e i r f u t u r e c h i l d r e n .

A l s o , i t gives spouses c e r t a i n l e g a l , financial, a n d p r o p e r t y r i g h t s . W h i l e ther e

i n - excellent reasons t o seek the consent o f c i v i l a u t h o r i t i e s , i t w o u l d be d i f -

I k l i l t t o s u p p o r t t h i s as a s c r i p t u r a l m a n d a t e .

T b l l o w i n g a " l e t t e r o f t h e l a w " i n t e r p r e t a t i o n o f S c r i p t u r e , o n e c o u l d argue

t h : i t n o n e o f the above c o n d i t i o n s are r e q u i r e d t o be m a r r i e d i n G o d ' s s i g h t .

At the same t i m e , we t h i n k i t is i m p o r t a n t t o u n d e r s t a n d the s p i r i t o f t h e law,

w h i c h recognizes f a m i l y , c o m m u n i t y , and c i v i l s t r u c t u r e s t h a t s u p p o r t m a r r i a g e .

( i o h a b i t i n g couples w h o say they are m a r r i e d " b e f o r e G o d " b u t f a i l t o m a k e

It i n i b l i c , miss o u t o n a v i t a l source o f c o l l e c t i v e e n c o u r a g e m e n t . T h e s t r e n g t h I li a c o m m i t m e n t m u l t i p l i e s w h e n i t is m a d e b e f o r e a w i t n e s s o f believers w h o

o f f e r resources as w e l l as a place o f a c c o u n t a b i l i t y . T h e w i s d o m o f m a k i n g

c o m m i t m e n t s w i t h i n a b e l i e v i n g c o m m u n i t y is especially n o t i c e a b l e d u r i n g

t lines o f t r o u b l e . A c o u p l e depends o n o t h e r s t o keep t h e m r e s i l i e n t w h e n l i f e stresses c o m e t h e i r way.

Pa rtn ers w h o f a i l t o l e g a l i z e t h e i r " m a r r i a g e " lose o u t o n t h e g o v e r n m e n t ' s

o b l i g a t i o n t o l o o k o u t f o r t h e w e l f a r e o f each p a r t n e r , the c o u p l e , a n d t h e i r

c h i l d r e n . T h i s e s p e c i a l l y has r a m i f i c a t i o n s f o r spouses a n d t h e i r c h i l d r e n i n

r e g a r d t o financial a n d p r o p e r t y r i g h t s , benefits t h a t o c c u r w h e n a r e l a t i o n s h i p

has t h e legal s u p p o r t o f s o c i e t y T h e r e is a sense i n w h i c h a p e r s o n a l c o m m i t -

m e n t is m a i n t a i n e d t h r o u g h a s u p p o r t i v e c o m m u n i t y a n d s o c i e t y

Some endorse a m u t u a l covenant c o m m i t m e n t m a d e b e t w e e n a n u n m a r -

r i e d m a n a n d w o m a n b e f o r e G o d a n d sealed t h r o u g h sexual i n t e r c o u r s e as

the m i n i m a l b i b l i c a l s t a n d a r d ; others believe t h e r e is a need f o r t h e c o m m i t -

m e n t t o be made i n t h e presence o f the C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y and/or w i t h i n

t h e accepte d f o r m a l s t r u c t u r e o f c i v i l s o c i e t y T h e c e r e m o n y a n d t h e license are aspects t h a t serve t o i n t e g r a t e a c o u p l e i n t o s o c i e t y E v i d e n c e p o i n t s t o

t h e f a c t t h a t the i n d i v i d u a l i s t i c ethic i n o u r s o c i e t y keeps p e o p l e f r o m f u l l y

r e a l i z i n g t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f p e r s o n a l c o m m i t m e n t s t h a t are e m b e d d e d i n a

c o m m u n i t y c o n t e x t .

Is C O H A B I T A T I O N A T H R E A T T O T H E I N S T I T U T I O N O F M A R R I A G E ?

T h e c h u r c h m u s t m a k e a d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n h o w i t responds t o i n d i v i d u a l s

w h o are i n c o h a b i t i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p s a n d h o w i t responds t o c o h a b i t a t i o n as a

j i r a c t i c e . We advocate t h a t C h r i s t i a n s s h o u l d o f f e r grace t o c o h a b i t i n g couples

68 M a r r i a g e

over law. A t t h e societa l level, w e d o believe t h a t c o h a b i t a t i o n poses a t h r e a t

t o m a r r i a g e a n d f a m i l y s t a b i l i t y I n response, the c h u r c h c a n o f f e r a n i n f o r m e d

voice t o s u p p o r t societa l p r a c t i c e s t h a t u n d e r g i r d m a r r i a g e a n d f a m i l y l i f e .

A t present, m a r r i a g e i n the U n i t e d States is the accepted w a y o f r e c o g n i z i n g

a social a n d l e g a l l y b i n d i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p b e t w e e n a m a n a n d a w o m a n , a n d

co ha bi ters d o n o t have t h a t p r o t e c t i o n .

A t stake is t h e u n i q u e i n s t i t u t i o n a l i z e d status g r a n t e d t o m a r r i a g e by t h e

f o u n d e r s o f o u r c o u n t r y R a t h e r t h a n b e i n g a passive a g e n t , t h e c h u r c h can be

an active p a r t i c i p a n t i n the l e g a l / p o l i t i c a l system. I n S w e d e n , f o r e x a m p l e , 30

percent o f a l l c o u p l e s s h a r i n g a h o u s e h o l d are u n m a r r i e d ( T o m a s s o n 1998)

a n d have s i m i l a r l e g a l r i g h t s as m a r r i e d persons r e g a r d i n g p a r e n t i n g a n d eco-

n o m i c b e n e f i t s . T h i s becomes a d i s i n c e n t i v e t o m a r r y T h e l e g i t i m a t e c o n c e r n

is the f u r t h e r e r o s i o n o f m a r r i a g e as a n i n s t i t u t i o n i n society, w h i c h can lead

t o s h o r t e r u n i o n s , a h i g h e r rate o f b r e a k u p s , and a n increase i n the n u m b e r

o f c h i l d r e n g r o w i n g u p i n s i n g l e - p a r e n t h o m e s .

T h e n e g a t i v e i m p a c t o f c o h a b i t a t i o n o n c h i l d r e n c o n t i n u e s t o be a grave

concern t o t h e c h u r c h . C h i l d r e n b o r n t o c o h a b i t i n g c o u p l e s are less l i k e l y t o

spend t h e i r c h i l d h o o d i n a t w o - p a r e n t h o m e t h a n are c h i l d r e n b o r n t o m a r r i e d

couples. T h e r e is a m p l e evidence t h a t t h e e c o n o m i c a n d e m o t i o n a l i m p a c t o f

divorce o n c h i l d r e n has deleteriou s effects o n t h e m .

H o w S H O U L D T H E C H U R C H R E S P O N D T O C O H A B I T I N G C O U P L E S ?

T h e r e are a v a r i e t y o f c o h a b i t i n g s i t u a t i o n s based o n a n u m b e r o f d i f f e r i n g

c r i t e r i a f o r c o h a b i t a t i o n — t h a t i s , degre e o f c o m m i t m e n t , age o f c o h a b i t -

ers, p r e m a r i t a l v e r s u s p o s t m a r i t a l c o h a b i t a t i o n , t h e a b s e n c e o r presence

o f c h i l d r e n , o r t h e i n t e n t t o have c h i l d r e n . A d e t a i l e d d i s c u s s i o n o f h o w

t h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y c a n w i s e l y r e s p o n d t o each o f these c o h a b i t i n g

s i t u a t i o n s is b e y o n d t h e l i m i t s o f t h i s c h a p t e r . W e d o o f f e r s o m e g e n e r a l

g u i d e l i n e s , h o w e v e r , a b o u t h o w t h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y c a n best r e s p o n d

t o these d i f f e r e n t scenarios .

1 . T h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y p r o m o t e s a n d encourages t h e b i b l i c a l standar d o f a p e r m a n e n t covenant c o m m i t m e n t between t w o p e o p l e before G o d , p r e s e n t i n g t h i s t h r o u g h t h e c o m p e l l i n g influenc e o f m o d e l i n g .

2. T h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y o f f e r s h o s p i t a l i t y , l o v i n g l y r e a c h i n g o u t t o a l l w h o e n t e r t h e i r d o o r s , o f f e r i n g covenant, grace, e m p o w e r m e n t , a n d c o n n e c t i o n , w h i c h p r o v i d e s a p l a c e o f b e l o n g i n g a n d s e c u r i t y

3. T h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y o p e n l y receives c h i l d r e n a n d f a m i l y m e m b e r s i n t o t h e c h u r c h f a m i l y , g i v i n g t h e m a g l i m p s e o f t h e f a i t h f u l , t r u s t w o r t h y presence o f love a n d s u p p o r t o f G o d ' s p e o p l e .

M a l e S e l e c t i o n a n d C o h a b i t a t i o n 69

4. T h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y offers a publi c c e r e m o n y w i t h i n the c o m m u n i t y o f f a i t h t o celebrate t h e c o v e n a n t u n i o n w h e n c o u p l e s decide t o m a r r y , w i t h n o s t i g m a or s h a m e p l a c e d o n t h e m o r t h e i r c h i l d r e n .

5. T h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y c o n t i n u e s t o s h o w love a n d grace, a c c e p t i n g

p e o p l e as t h e y are i n t h e love o f C h r i s t w i t h o u t c o e r c i o n .

6. T h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y becomes a t r u s t w o r t h y place a n d l o v i n g c o m -

m u n i t y a n d never t u r n s away anyone w h o seeks G o d .

We believ e t h a t the c h u r c h o f t e n deprives c o h a b i t i n g couples o f a g e n u i n e

place o f c a r i n g a n d b e l o n g i n g a n d t h a t we have so m u c h t o offer t h e m i n o u r

K i m m u n i t i e s o f f a i t h . I f ther e is a d e c i s i o n t o m a k e c o v e n a n t vow s, i t behooves

I he c h u r c h t o s u p p o r t t h e m t h r o u g h a m e a n i n g f u l p u b l i c c e r e m o n y E l a b o - I ,ite a n d expensive w e d d i n g c e r e m o n i e s may keep s o m e f r o m m o v i n g t o w a r d I his. H e l p i n g w i t h a s i m p l e c e r e m o n y t h a t i n c l u d e s c o n g r e g a t i o n a n d f a m i l y m e m b e r s as a witness t o t h e c o v e n a n t vows is r e a l l y t h e i m p o r t a n t t h i n g .

H e r e are j u s t a c o u p l e e x a m p l e s o f instances w h e r e t h e f a i t h c o m m u n i t y

was able t o p r o v i d e s u p p o r t i n s m a l l b u t s i g n i f i c a n t w a y s . J u d y ' s m o t h e r w o r e

.1 s i m p l e g o l d dress f o r her w e d d i n g ceremony a f t e r t h e Sunday n i g h t c h u r c h service. H e r a u n t a n d u n c l e s t o o d w i t h t h e m , a n d t h e c h u r c h p r o v i d e d cake

. i n d coffee f o r a s m a l l r e c e p t i o n a f t e r w a r d . Jack's p a r e n t s h a d a s i m i l a r cer-

e m o n y a f t e r the Sunday m o r n i n g c h u r c h service. T h e y i n v i t e d the f a m i l y a n d

.1 f e w s p e c i a l f r i e n d s over t o t h e house f o r a l i g h t S u n d a y b r u n c h r e c e p t i o n . A w e d d i n g w a s an o c c a s i o n t o s u p p o r t the c o u p l e ' s c o v e n a n t c o m m i t m e n t

w i t h o u t a l l t h e fuss a n d f l a i r o f a n expensive, e l a b o r a t e w e d d i n g . B o t h o u r

p a r e n t s w e r e m a r r i e d m o r e t h a n s i x t y years, a c o v e n a n t c o m m i t m e n t t h a t

lasted over t h e i r l o n g lives.

Perhaps t h e greatest c h a l l e n g e t o t h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y is t o o f f e r g r a c e

i n t h e m i d s t o f the t e n s i o n f e l t w h e n those w h o e n t e r t h e c h u r c h t o l e a r n o f

Ciod a n d G o d ' s ways have a d i f f e r e n t set o f value systems. T h e d i s c o u r a g i n g

t r u t h is t h a t l i v i n g o u t s i d e o f b i b l i c a l l y based n o r m s c a n negatively affect o n e ' s

a t t i t u d e s t o w a r d those n o r m s . F o r e x a m p l e , A x i n n a n d Barbe r (1997) f o u n d ,

" T h e m o r e m o n t h s o f e x p o s u re t o c o h a b i t a t i o n t h a t y o u n g people e x p e r i e n c e d ,

the less e n t h u s i a s t i c t h e y w e r e t o w a r d m a r r i a g e a n d c h i l d b e a r i n g " a n d t h e

m o r e a c c e p t i n g o f divorce ( 6 0 8 ). R a t h e r t h a n r e a c t i n g w i t h j u d g m e n t o r fear,

the c h u r c h is t h e place t h a t o p e n s w i d e its d o o r s , w e l c o m i n g a l l t o c o m e a n d

l e a r n o f t h e ways o f Jesus.

I n i t s stance t o w a r d the p r a c t i c e o f c o h a b i t a t i o n , w e believe t h a t the c h u r c h

can e r r i n t w o ways: either by f a i l i n g t o u p h o l d t h e sacred p u r p o s e o f m a r r i a g e

o r by c o n d e m n i n g a n d s h u t t i n g o u t those w h o c o h a b i t . I n u p h o l d i n g m a r r i a g e

as G o d ' s w a y w i t h one h a n d , w e s h o u l d e x t e n d G o d ' s grace w i t h t h e o t h e r .

70 M a r r i a g e

O u r gospel m u s t be f u l l o f truth a n d grace. T h e c h u r c h needs t o be t h e very

p l a c e t h a t reaches o u t t o seekers, b o t h thos e l i v i n g o u t s i d e b i b l i c a l n o r m s a n d

t h o s e f o r w h o m b i b l i c a l b e h a v i o r has n o t yet b e c o m e p a r t o f t h e i r lives. T h e

c h u r c h w i l l have a m i n i m a l i m p a c t o n t h e lives o f those w h o are c o h a b i t i n g

u n t i l i t clearly offers t h e h a n d s o f b o t h t r u t h and grace.

A c o u p l e m a y be o n a p a t h t o C h r i s t w i t h o u t even k n o w i n g i t . W h e n a

c o h a b i t i n g c o u p l e establishes a covenant c o m m i t m e n t , they have u n d e r s t o o d

s o m e t h i n g essential a b o u t G o d ' s way. T h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y c a n n u r t u r e

a c o u p l e ' s n a t u r a l i n c l i n a t i o n t o c o n t i n u e t o m o v e i n G o d ' s w a y t h r o u g h p a -

t i e n c e , respect, a n d love t h a t p o i n t s t h e m i n t h a t d i r e c t i o n . B e i n g c o m p a s s i o n -

ate r a t h e r t h a n j u d g m e n t a l comes o u t o f t h e assurance t h a t G o d , w h o is the

f i n a l j u d g e , is the one w h o loves m o s t f u l l y . " C h r i s t ' s love sees us w i t h t e r r i b l e

c l a r i t y a n d sees us w h o l e . C h r i s t ' s love so w i s h e s o u r j o y t h a t i t is r u t h l e s s

a g a i n s t e v e r y t h i n g i n us t h a t d i m i n i s h e s o u r j o y " (Buechner 1 9 9 2 , 5 8 ) . S t r i v i n g

t o h e l p c o h a b i t i n g c o u p l e s f i n d the j o y o f c o v e n a n t love is a g r e a t p r i v i l e g e .

T h e C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y needs t o s h o w f o r t h G o d ' s love i n f a i t h f u l , engag-

i n g w a y s t h a t w i l l d r a w t h o s e w h o c o h a b i t c l o s e r t o the way, t h e t r u t h , a n d

t h e m o r e a b u n d a n t l i f e .

Discerning God's W i l l

M a r r i a g e is a n i m p o r t a n t , sacred event i n m o s t societies. M a r r i a g e is p i v o t a l

because i t is necessary t o t h e p s y c h o l o g i c a l w e l l - b e i n g o f the i n d i v i d u a l s i n -

v o l v e d , the social w e l l - b e i n g o f the m a r r i e d c o u p l e a n d f a m i l y , t h e e c o n o m i c

w e l l - b e i n g o f c o m m u n i t i e s , a n d the s u r v i v a l o f society itself. O n e a d v a n t a g e

o f p a r e n t - a r r a n g e d m a r r i a g e is t h a t i t p r o t e c t s y o u n g p e o p l e f r o m t h e pres-

s u r e , c o n f u s i o n , a n d a g o n y o f h a v i n g t o m a k e s u c h a m a j o r d e c i s i o n o n t h e i r

o w n . T h e o b v i o u s d i s a d v a n t a g e is the i m p a c t o f e x c l u d i n g t h e c o u p l e f r o m

t h i s c r i t i c a l process, w h i c h has e n o r m o u s i m p l i c a t i o n s f o r t h e r e s t o f t h e i r

l i v e s . T h i s leads us t o t h e q u e s t i o n o f h o w C h r i s t i a n s are t o a p p r o a c h t h e

m a t e - s e l e c t i o n process.

T o answer t h i s q u e s t i o n , we m u s t b e g i n b y c o n s i d e r i n g h o w o n e come s t o

d i s c e r n G o d ' s w i l l i n t h e m a t t e r o f c h o o s i n g a m a t e . F i r s t , a c o u p l e c o n t e m -

p l a t i n g m a r r i a g e w i l l w a n t t o v i e w t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p t h r o u g h t h e t h e o l o g i c a l

a n d b i b l i c a l r e l a t i o n s h i p lenses we have p r e s e n t e d i n t h i s chapter. A s t h e y l o o k

a t t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p h i s t o r y i n l i g h t o f these v a l u e s , t h e y w i l l b e g i n t o answer

t h e m a t e - s e l e c t i o n q u e s t i o n t h r o u g h t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s w i t h each o t h e r . M a n y

c o u p l e s already r e c o g n i z e t r o u b l e i n t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p d u r i n g c o u r t s h i p b u t

d e n y t h e seriousness o f t h e p r o b l e m s . For t h i s r e a s o n , l o n g e n g a g e m e n t s are

M . u i ' Selection a n d C o h a b i t a t i o n 7 1

p i i d i c t i v e o f successful m a r r i a g e . W h e n t h e c o u p l e gets b e y o n d t h e r o m a n t i c

'.i.ige d u r i n g t h e m o n t h s a n d years p r i o r t o m a r r i a g e i n a l o n g e n g a g e m e n t ,

l l u y g a i n a m o r e r e a l i s t i c idea a b o u t m a n a g i n g t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p . T h e y w i l l

h.ive e x p e r i e n c e d c o n f l i c t s a n d s t r u g g l e s d u r i n g t h i s t i m e a n d have a g o o d

u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f h o w t h e y deal w i t h e a c h o t h e r i n t h e p r o c e s s . T h e y w i l l

h.ive had t i m e t o see each o t h e r i n a l l s o r t s o f s i t u a t i o n s a n d b e e n w i l l i n g t o

discuss t h e i r e x p e c t a t i o n s a b o u t roles a n d f u t u r e plans .

We s t r o n g l y s u g g e s t t h a t a c o u p l e i n t e n t i o n a l l y l e a r n a l l t h e y c a n a b o u t

i l i i i r r e l a t i o n s h i p t h r o u g h a p r e m a r i t a l i n v e n t o r y i d e n t i f y i n g s t r e n g t h s a n d

we.iknesses i n t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p . D a v i d O l s o n ' s Prepare/Enrich (1998) is a

125-item q u e s t i o n n a i r e used b y c l e r g y a n d c o u n s e l o r s t o assess a c o u p l e ' s

chances f o r a s u c c e s s f u l m a r r i a g e . T h e i n v e n t o r y matches each p e r s o n ' s re-

sponses t o q u e s t i o n s i n m a j o r areas such as personality , f r i e n d s h i p s , c o n f l i c t ,

( ( u n m u n i c a t i o n , f i n a n c e , sex, v i e w s o n c h i l d r e n , a n d f a m i l y o f o r i g i n . I t has

proven t o be q u i t e a c c u r a t e i n p r e d i c t i n g w h e t h e r a c o u p l e w i l l be successful o r

evt-ntually d i v o r c e (Fowers, M o n t e l , a n d O l s o n 1996). A n o t h e r h e l p f u l i n v e n -

t o r y is the " P r e p a r a t i o n f o r M a r r i a g e Q u e s t i o n n a i r e " ( H o l m a n , L a r s o n , a n d

I l a r m e r 1994). I t consists o f 178 i t e m s t h a t evaluate the f o l l o w i n g five areas

I hat are p r e d i c t i v e o f m a r i t a l s a t i s f a c t i o n a n d s t a b i l i t y : (1) degree o f u n i t y i n

\, a t t i t u d e s , a n d beliefs; (2) p e r s o n a l readiness f o r m a r r i a g e (the i n d i c a t o r s

include e m o t i o n a l h e a l t h a n d m a t u r i t y , self-esteem, a n d i n d e p e n d e n c e f r o m

(ine's f a m i l y o f o r i g i n ) ; (3) p a r t n e r readiness ( c o m m u n i c a t i n g a b i l i t y a n d skills,

H c l f - d i s c l o s u r e , a n d e m p a t h i c b e h a v i o r ) ; (4) c o u p l e readiness ( a g r e e m e n t o n

li.isic issues, s t a b i l i t y o f the r e l a t i o n s h i p , a p p r o v a l o f each o t h e r ' s f r i e n d s a n d

relatives, a n d r e a l i s t i c e x p e c t a t i o n s ) ; a n d (5) b a c k g r o u n d a n d h o m e e n v i r o n -

ment ( s a t i s f a c t i o n w i t h t h e h o m e e n v i r o n m e n t , the q u a l i t y o f t h e h o m e e n v i -

r o n m e n t , the q u a l i t y o f the p a r e n t - c h i l d r e l a t i o n s h i p , a n d absence o f p h y s i c a l

. I I K I sexual abuse). I f ther e are deficiencies i n one o r several o f these areas, the

I o i i p l e m u s t d e t e r m i n e i f they can o v e r c o m e t h e obstacle.

We d e f i n i t e l y believe these assessment t o o l s can p r o v i d e c o n c r e t e i n f o r m a -

i i o n t h a t w i l l h e l p a c o u p l e d e t e r m i n e t h e p o t e n t i a l success o f t h e i r f u t u r e

together. C o u p l e s s h o u l d spend t i m e d i s c u s s i n g these r e l a t i o n s h i p d y n a m i c s

.11 id process t h e r e s u l t s o f the i n v e n t o r i e s w i t h a t r u s t e d c o u n s e l o r o r m i n i s t e r ; grapple h o n e s t l y w i t h f a m i l y o f o r i g i n a n d m u l t i c u l t u r a l c h a l l e n g e s; take t i m e

111 w o r k o u t a f i n a n c i a l b u d g e t ; a t t e n d w o r k s h o p s o n r e l a t i o n s h i p s k i l l develop- m e n t ; be aware o f p e r s o n a l i t y dif f e r e n ce s , a n d consider h o w t h e y m i g h t affect

the r e l a t i o n s h i p ; d e a l o p e n l y w i t h sexual r e l a t i o n s h i p issues w i t h a c o u n s e l o r

. I I K I read a n d discuss a n i n f o r m a t i v e b o o k o n the subject. T a k i n g advantage

o f r e a d i n g a b o o k s u c h as Saving Your Marriage before It Starts ( P a r r o t t a n d

P a r r o t t 1996) c a n also h e l p couples p r e p a r e f o r m a r r i a g e .

72 M a r r i a g e

N o o n e p a r t i c u l a r way o f f i n d i n g G o d ' s w i l l is best f o r everyone, b u t i n m o s t

cases a c o m b i n a t i o n o f a c t i v i t i e s is advisable. H e r e are f o u r specific g u i d e l i n e s

f o r c o u p l e s t o consider w h e n s e e k i n g G o d ' s d i r e c t i o n a b o u t m a r r i a g e . F i r s t ,

l o o k t o G o d d i r e c t l y t h r o u g h p r a y e r , Bible study, a n d m e d i t a t i o n . Second, seek

w i s d o m a n d i n p u t f r o m p a r e n t s , s i g n i f i c a nt f a m i l y m e m b e r s , and g o o d f r i e n d s .

T r u s t e d p e o p l e w h o k n o w a n d are w i l l i n g t o be h o n e s t a b o u t each p a r t n e r ' s

i n d i v i d u a l strengths and weaknesses w i l l prove i n v a l u a b l e . T h i r d , as m e n t i o n e d

e a r l i e r , c o u p l e s s h o u l d g o t h r o u g h a p r e m a r i t a l c o u n s e l i n g process i n w h i c h

a l l aspects o f the r e l a t i o n s h i p are e x a m i n e d h o n e s t l y , a n d they s h o u l d s p e n d

t i m e c l a r i f y i n g e x p e c t a t i o n s w i t h a n objective p r o f e s s i o n a l o r pastor. F o u r t h ,

t h e y c a n seek w i s d o m f r o m t r u s t w o r t h y C h r i s t i a n s i n t h e i r c o m m u n i t y o f

f a i t h . T h o s e i n the b o d y o f C h r i s t p r o v i d e a c o m m u n a l perspective t h a t w i l l

h e l p a f f i r m o r d i s a f f i r m t h e c o u p l e ' s d e c i s i o n - m a k i n g process.

Based o n these suggestions , w e advise t h a t a c o u p l e can best d i s c e r n G o d ' s

w i l l t h r o u g h a b i b l i c a l l y b a l a n c e d a p p r o a c h t h a t is o p e n t o i n p u t f r o m t h r e e

s o u r c e s — t h e i n d i v i d u a l s d i r e c t l y c o n c e r n e d , f a m i l y a n d close f r i e n d s , a n d t h e

C h r i s t i a n c o m m u n i t y , w h i c h t o g e t h e r can serve as a chec k against an i n c o r r e c t

d e c i s i o n . W h e n decisions are m a d e w i t h o u t i n p u t f r o m a l l three sources, t h e r e

is a g r e a t e r p r o b a b i l i t y o f e r r o r . G i v e n the p o w e r o f p a s s i o n a n d the c o n t e m -

p o r a r y e m p h a s i s o n i n t i m a c y i n r o m a n t i c r e l a t i o n s h i p s , t h e i n d i v i d u a l i s t i c

bias is t h e m o s t l i k e l y t o have f a t a l consequences . F a m i l y bias is t y p i c a l o f

p a r e n t a l a r r a n g e m e n t s . W h e n p a r e n t s are d i s c e r n i n g C h r i s t i a n s , t h e y c a n be

a n i n v a l u a b l e source o f w i s d o m , t h o u g h they m a y have a l i m i t e d p e r s p e c t i v e

because o f p e r s o n a l o r c u l t u r a l biases. C h r i s t i a n - c o m m u n i t y bias is p r o b a b l y

t h e m o s t d i f f i c u l t t o detect since i t is generally f e l t t h a t a c o r p o r a t e b o d y is less

p r o n e t o b i a s . H o w e v e r , a n o b v i o u s dange r is t h e p o w e r a p a r t i c u l a r l e a d e r

(or leaders) may w i e l d . L e a d e r s also have h u m a n l i m i t a t i o n s a n d are t h e r e f o r e

c a p a b l e o f u s i n g t h e i r i n f l u e n c e i n m i s g u i d e d w a y s . P a r t i c u l a r l y t r o u b l i n g are

c o m m u n i t i e s i n w h i c h c o n g r e g a n t s are r e q u i r e d t o s u b m i t t o an a u t h o r i t a t i v e

leader o u t o f l o y a l t y

E v e n i f o n e concedes t h e w i s d o m o f t h i s m o d e l , t h e r e is always t h e p o s -

s i b i l i t y o f disagreement. C o n s e q u e n t l y , the i n d i v i d u a l s , f a m i l y , a n d C h r i s t i a n

c o m m u n i t y s h o u l d w o r k t o g e t h e r t o b r i n g a b o u t a c o n g r u o u s d e c i s i o n t h a t

w i l l e n h a n c e the p r o b a b i l i t y o f a l a s t i n g c o v e n a n t .

Establishing M a r r i a g e

Moving toward Differentiated Unity

E ^ ach spouse's e x p e r i e n c e s g r o w i n g u p i n h i s o r her p a r t i c u l a r f a m i l y o f o r i g i n are m a j o r p r e p a r a t i o n s f o r m a r r i a g e . A c c o r d i n g l y , m a r r i a g e involves m o r e t h a n a u n i t i n g o f t w o i n d i v i d u a l s ; i t is also a u n i t i n g of t w o e x t e n d e d f a m i l i e s . B r i n g i n g aspects o f t w o c u l t u r a l l y diverse f a m i l i e s n i t o a n e w u n i t is a process o f a f f i r m i n g t h e best o f b o t h c u l t u r e s (sense o f

b e l o n g i n g ) a n d d i s c o v e r i n g t h e spouses' o w n sense o f i d e n t i t y as a c o u p l e .

In t h e process, t h e y m a y c h o o s e t o d i s c a r d s o m e o f t h e i r h e r i t a g e , e x p a n d

.ispects o f i t , a n d create a u n i q u e u n i o n t h a t exceeds w h a t e i t h e r o f t h e m

w o u l d be o n t h e i r o w n . F o r m i n g a n e w r e l a t i o n s h i p as a c o u p l e d i s t i n g u i s h e s

each o f t h e m f r o m t h e i r f a m i l y o f o r i g i n (the f a m i l y each grew u p i n ) a n d at

i h e same t i m e keeps each o f t h e m c o n n e c t e d w i t h i t . W e begin t h i s c h a p t e r b y

r e c o g n i z i n g the i m p a c t o f f a m i l y o f o r i g i n as w e l l as o t h e r i m p o r t a n t f a c t o r s

i h a t c o n t r i b u t e t o m a r i t a l q u a l i t y

I'actors That Predict Marital Quality

Researchers have i d e n t i f i e d t h r e e categories o f f a c t o r s t h a t are p r e d i c t i v e o f

m a r i t a l q u a l i t y — b a c k g r o u n d a n d c o n t e x t u a l f a c t o r s , i n d i v i d u a l t r a i t s a n d

73