Essay 5
Essay #5: Classification
The idea underlying classification is that many subjects for writing can fall into categories. A newspaper story, for example, will be placed into the category of news to which it belongs. A movie review will thus be placed in the section termed “Entertainment.” Books in a library, too, are organized by broad categories. If you check one out, you can learn the category to which the book belongs by the alphabetical number on the spine. For instance, if you checked out a book on the Presidents of the United States, you would find the call number to begin with a “J” to signify the broad category “Political Science.”
If this seems too vague, picture the floor plan of your local supermarket. How is it organized? By categories, correct? In other words, fresh produce—fruits and vegetables—will all be in one section, as will meats and seafood, dairy, canned goods, baked goods, and so forth. Another example? Can you guess the way hospitals are organized? Here are a few departments: OB/GYN, Medical, Surgical, Psychiatric, Pathology, Pediatrics, and so forth.
With all that being said, I am asking you in Essay #5 is to take a subject that interests you, like “friends” and categorize them in a fresh, original way. It might be difficult to be original, but that is the ultimate goal. Obviously, what comes to mind is the “best friend”(who is always there for you, through thick and thin) or the “job friend” (who helps you pass your hours at work more pleasantly) or the “social friend” (who is fun to go out with on weekends and have a good time). Aim to create three to five categories to help you fill out a 500 to 800 word essay.
How do you fill out the body paragraphs? First, identify the category. For example, in a paper on Bosses, you might have a kind of boss you call “The Dictator.” After you identify the type, describe the general characteristics of the type. For instance, “The dictator is never wrong and expects his or her employees to obey all orders without question. He or she is never wrong, never listens, and is unapproachable.” Third, to bring the category to life, narrate a brief anecdote that describes your boss in action. Remember, the categories do not have to be all positive or negative. They can be mixed.
Here are some topic ideas. (Also attached to this email is a sample of an original classification essay on types of messages left on a student’s phone. You could just as easily do one on types of text messages.)
Topic Ideas
Friends Neighbors Marriages Horror Films Students Bosses
Dates Beauty Teachers Salespeople Co-workers Success
Doctors Gamblers Soap operas Drivers Drinkers Lottery ticket buyers
Parents Restaurants Commercials Smokers Shoppers Hospital Patients
Lovers Scams Politicians Video games Parents Church-goers
“At the Tone, Please Leave . . . .”
Beep….click…did you hang up the phone when you got my voicemail prompt instead of me? You’re not alone. I get lots of texts, of course, who doesn’t? But I also get my share of no-message messages on voicemail. I also receive some voicemails that could be considered semi-normal. However, over the last couple of years, I have experienced four other classic types of voicemail that I’d like to share with you: Conscientious Cathy, Bummed-out Bob, Monologue Molly, and Lay-it-on-the-line Larry.
As would be expected, Conscientious Cathy leaves very complete messages. She will generally begin by commenting on the uniqueness of my recording. Cathy will then express gratitude for the opportunity to leave a message. Naturally, her message will include the date, time and subject of her call, as well as her full name and phone number. She requests that I return her call and finishes with a very polite “thank you.”
When Bummed-out Bob calls, I often wonder why he even bothers. Bear in mind that Bob is aware of my basic schedule and the chances of catching me able to talk on the phone. However, he will still give it a try. His messages will carry a range of intonations. Sometimes he sounds almost angry that I’m not at home to receive his call. At other times, he sounds like a whimpering, wounded puppy that’s been hurt by my absence. Occasionally, though, Bob will lay on this strong indifferent tone, as if it really didn’t matter if he spoke with me or not.
Certainly I can’t be the only person endowed with a Monologue Molly. I always get suspicious when Molly begins her message by asking me to call her back. She will then, invariably, proceed to carry on a one-sided conversation in my voicemail until voicemail cuts her off. Of course, she calls back immediately to continue the “conversation.” It’s as if I am really there, in person, interjecting comments in the conversation. Finally, Molly will chuckle, then mention that I don’t really need to return her call after all. She’s already said everything she called to tell me.
It would be impossible to ignore Lay-it-on-the-line Larry. Larry, a former boyfriend, is my frequent obscene caller. He loves to leave messages on voicemail going into great detail about what he’d like to do to/with me—sexually of course. But one call is rarely sufficient. Larry has to call back again, and sometimes a third time, to repeat his message to ensure I have a clear picture of his intentions. I’ve decided that either being recorded makes Larry feel like a star, or he is creating a vision of his immortality.
I realize that voicemails are becoming passé what with texting and Facebook. However, as my voicemail prompt says, “If you don’t leave a message, I won’t know you’re trying to reach me.’ It’s the best alternative I have arrived at, and it’s there as a convenience for me as well as the caller. Besides, sometimes it’s quite entertaining.