final essay

I just read your paper (Project 2), and here are my comments: ● Your grade on this paper would be B-. ● ● Positive aspects: clear purpose and thesis; mostly excellent grammar and language

use; excellent personal example -- thoughtful & relevant; some good points that demonstrate understanding of some issues. I really do like your personal example; it's very interesting and absolutely relevant to what Engel is saying.

● What needs work: ○ Show that you have a better understanding of Engel's argument and main

supporting points​: Much of what you're saying in the intro isn't quite accurate or developed fully enough, or you're mentioning something that isn't relevant. Read the text again carefully and identify 3 or 4 specific, separate ideas she has.

○ Describe Engel's ideas in much more detail in the intro and throughout the essay​. You only describe her ideas briefly (and inaccurately) in your introduction. In the rest of the essay you only make a couple of vague references to general and overlapping ideas in her article. Instead, identify 3-4 of her main ideas and discuss each one in a separate paragraph. There's a difference between talking about what she says about how children learn and what she's saying about how teachers teach. Don't talk about these issues in the same body paragraph. Discuss each point separately, accurately, and fully. In your intro, explain ​why​ she thinks that the way teachers usually teach is ​wrong​. That's her main idea. Then go into more detail about other important related concepts in the body paragraphs.

○ Organize your thoughts better​. Both the overall organization and the internal paragraph organization need work. I suggest that you use PIE style for your body paragraphs. Start the paragraph with your point in the paragraph. Follow up with a description of the relevant idea in Engel (several sentences). Follow that with your own analysis. The next paragraph should be about a different point, although it's fine if the point relates to the one in the previous paragraph. If so, explain how they relate.

○ Provide context and paraphrasing for each quotation​. And make sure that each quotation relates to a specific ​point​ you want to make. You're talking in very general terms throughout the essay.

● Some other suggestions: ○ Skip the part in your intro about "eating the children." This is a historical

reference to something that was written in the 18th century. It's not meant to be taken literally; it's a satire. Just leave it out.

○ ○ Don't discuss the example in your intro; do that later. The intro should explain

Engel's general main argument. Go into more detail with examples in the body of your essay.

○ State Engel's name rather than saying "the writer" or something like that throughout your essay. This is important in all writing that uses sources. After you state her first name in the introduction, use just her last name, Engel.

○ Use a proper ​signal phrase​ and ​in-text (page) citation​ with every quotation. This is important.