Revise Paper: Instructions are included in the essay, marked in the comments section.
La`Jaun CherRenfro 2484 Shea Drive Macon, GA 31206 Compare & Contrast
Dear La’Jaun,
Very promising start on this initial essay draft!
But you must develop your thesis and then develop and unify each body paragraph’s
analysis for a comprehensive, persuasive, and consistent argument.
As I can see from your writing history on this assignment that you’ve worked very hard to
improve your work throughout your prewriting outlines and this first essay draft, I’m returning
your essay to give you one chance to revise before your work is graded (since the current essay
would not quite pass as is).
Please carefully review all marginal and in-text comments below for specific revision guidance
on how to improve your thesis, analysis, and other aspects (including research evidence use).
If you have any questions on this feedback or how to improve your work, please contact the
school for additional help before you submit your essay revision to be graded.
Instructor (VGG)
Penn Foster
USS Ordeal by Sea vs USS Indianapolis
Everyone is unique in their own way. While some individuals may prefer reading books, some
may have a preference for watching movies of the same story. For instance, many people choose
to read books versus movies because some believe books are more in depth. Most visual people
are prone to watch more movies than books because it's easier for them to comprehend the
information. Transition needed. Ordeal by Sea: The Tragedy of the U.S.S. Indianapolis by
Thomas Helm, tells a harrowing story of one of the greatest naval vessels in the history of the
American navy. It is a story of the USS Indianapolis, a World War II submarine that was sunk by
a torpedo on July 30, 1945; , and 1,196 men went into the sea when the ship sank (Citation). Of
that number, only 317 were found alive when rescue arrived after five days. Similarly, theThe
movie adaptation of this book, the USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage, a movie that was
Commented [GGV1]: This title doesn’t mean anything to readers that don’t already know the book, the movie, that the
second title is a movie adaptation, etc. Review effective title
writing in Part 7 in your textbook.
Commented [GGV2]: Indent at the start of each paragraph.
Commented [GGV3]: This opener is too general. Instead, lead into the general topic / controversy your thesis will
discuss. The question at hand is whether the added drama,
action, and suspense in the movie is positively or negatively
perceived by viewers (and why). So, establish that question
up front.
La`Jaun CherRenfro 2484 Shea Drive Macon, GA 31206 Compare & Contrast
produced to mirror Ordeal by Sea. However, the film but lacks the book’s background details,
while adding drama, and action scenes, and suspense in place of historical details; as a result,
which caused viewers to befelt the movie was / did BLANK and were therefore dissatisfied with
the movie overall.
Transition and topic sentence. “First, the book contains much integral background information
about the USS Indianapolis that the movie does not, which causes….” From the first page or
chapterof the book, the author offers a brief history of the submarine as opposed to being
directed to the main story, as it is the case in the movie. For instance, in the first chapter,
Thomas Helm speaks of the ship class to whichof the USS Indianapolis belongs. He indicates
that the submarine, designated CA-35, was the first peacetime warship to be built in the United
States of America after the 1929 London treaty. He also indicates that Tthe ship was built by the
New York Shipbuilding Company, New Jersey (p.10). The book also lets outdiscusses some of
the weaknesses of the ship, as noticed by Admiral Spruance, who is….. He notes that the
submarine, regardless of its speed, still had some difficulties when navigating. The admiral and
Cpt. McVay noted that the "Indianapolis was slow in returning to even keel after fast turn under
the full rudder." (p.13). Furthermore, in the book, the author states that the structural integrity of
the USS Indianapolis is really questionable. As proof, the author illustrated this shortcomingit by
indicating that Admiral Spruance and Cpt. McVay knew that the vessel could have been
significantly damaged could it have been torpedoed on either the stern or the bow (Citation
needed) On what page of the story is this information conveyed?. Helm indicates that, even
though the two gentlemen were aware of these weaknesses, they were still determined to proceed
on with the mission of the Indianapolis. On the other hand, the movie does not show these
Commented [GGV4]: Good start on this thesis! But develop your ideas / content, reword for clarity, and
restructure the sentence (also for clarity). In particular, you
must argue a particular reason WHY the lack of background
details, lack of historical detail, and added drama, action, and
suspense caused viewer dissatisfaction. Is it because the
movie seems disrespectful to military people as a result of all
those changes? Because the movie seems fake and flashy, not
representing the realities of wartime / military tragedies and
challenges? Something else?
Commented [GGV5]: Example topic sentence. Each topic sentence must indicate the difference discussed in the
paragraph.
Commented [GGV6]: This name won’t mean anything to your readers who haven’t read the book nor seen the movie.
Commented [GGV7]: But why does this knowledge make the book appealing to viewers, in relation to whatever
specific thesis point you’ll make? For instance—if you plan
to prove that people like the book more than the movie
because the book’s differences cause it to show a more
realistic or positive portrayal of naval life and decisions,
you’d need to explain how knowing this info about the ship,
knowing the reactions of the Admiral and Captain, etc.
causes this portrayal to be so realistic, positive, and thus
positively received by readers.
La`Jaun CherRenfro 2484 Shea Drive Macon, GA 31206 Compare & Contrast
weaknesses, instead, the audience is left to guess on themabout what the weaknesses were after
its sinking.the ship sinks.
The movie instead starts off with an attack from a Japanese warplane without a proper
introduction of the USS crew members, the history of the ship, or the crew's mission. This
places the audience right in the middle of a war, which causes confusion or raises questions as to
why the USS was being attacked. One critic mentioned, "The start is like something from a
cartoon, not a big budget film in 2016" (Dave Grown). Since the movie proclaims to be based
on a true story, a proper introduction is warranted so that the viewer can obtain the proper
credentials in the beginning in order to fully value what's going on. Lastly, the viewer never
knows the threshold of damage the ship can withstand before it sinks. This information is
critical considering the ship sunk later on in the movie.
In an effort to make up for the movie's lack of introduction and background details, it
supplements details foradds dramatic scenes. For instance, in both the book and the movie,
Oonce the U.S. cCruiser was sunk by the Japanese, Captain McVay was court-martialed. The
captain was found guilty of gross negligence due to not zig-zagging. The movie offers some of
the inner workings of the US court-martial, including the unrelenting efforts of the prosecution to
make prove Captain McVay be guilty. In one particular scene, we see the former captain of the
Imperial Japanese Navy submarine I-58 being called to testify. The Japanese captain supports
Captain McVay , by arguing that the captain could not have successfully evaded the torpedo by
zigzagging. However, the prosecution….. Even though Captain McVay is finally proven not to
be at fault, he still had some struggles he had to endure. The movie in its final scenes shows that
Commented [GGV8]: Yes—among other questions, for sure!
Commented [GGV9]: This quote is not related to your current point(s).
Commented [GGV10]: You need more specific analysis. By not knowing the submarine’s history and flaws up front,
not being introduced to the characters, and not being given
context on the war itself, what is the specific effect?
Also, these are three separate differences:
1) Book gives ship background; movie does not
2) Book introduces readers to characters early on; movie
does not.
3) Book gives background on the war before getting into the
story’s action; the movie does not.
Prepare a single, separate paragraph for each one of these
differences. Then, analyze how the book’s background
information (in each case or of each type) makes the book
“better” in some specific way than the movie, thus causing
people to like the book more for whatever reason / purpose
you note.
Commented [GGV11]: Good transition / topic sentence.
La`Jaun CherRenfro 2484 Shea Drive Macon, GA 31206 Compare & Contrast
Cpt. McVay was tormented with phone calls and mail from grieving relatives of the deceased
crew members. The movie takes it a step further than what's illustrated in the book. In addition
to the court-martial, Captain McVay starts receiving harassing phone calls from the public and
experiencing nightmares. The phone calls and nightmares become overwhelming, and the
captain eventually ends up going through a divorce because of all the posttraumatic stress.
Eventually, the captain takes his own life because he sees no relief in sight from the treatment he
receives from the public every day.
Another dramatic sub-scene in the movie, which is not present in the book, is….. In the
movie, the audience gets to meet two childhood friends, Indianapolis diver, Brian Smithwick,
and crew member, D’Antonio, who both fall in love with the same woman, Clara. Before the
trip, D’Antonio purchases a ring and shows his intention of proposing to the girl, who is pregnant
at the time, when the submarine is leaving. In an ensuing brawl between the two crewmen over
their shared love of Clara, the ring is lost and is recovered by another crew member. When the
submarine is sunk, D’Antonio suffers massive leg injuries during a shark attack and eventually
succumbs to the injuries. In the end, Smithwick proposes to Clara, which she accepts
(Amctheatres.com, 2017).
Explain why including this dramatic aspect and its related scenes is not a good thing but rather a
bad thing in relation to whatever point your thesis makes. (For example—if you argue the book
is better loved because the movie’s changes are disrespectful to military personnel and show
them in negative lights or unrealistically, you’d need to explain how this added aspect and its
scenes paint the military men in a negative or unrealistic light and how leaving this aspect out
entirely in the book helps paint the military people in a positive, realistic light. One critic states
Commented [GGV12]: What IS illustrated in the book for this scene / this aspect? You must state clearly what the
actual difference is.
Commented [GGV13]: In the book? Or movie? Or both? Unclear.
Also, where is your analysis to prove why this added
drama—not present in the book—makes the movie less
appealing in whatever way or for whatever reason you’ll
argue once you develop your thesis further?
Commented [GGV14]: Why do you need a source for this summary if you’ve read the book and seen the movie? You
should be able to identify this difference on your own,
without the aid of research.
La`Jaun CherRenfro 2484 Shea Drive Macon, GA 31206 Compare & Contrast
“the movie lacks the unlimited manpower to equal other movies based on a true story but does
have dramatic postscript” (Rex Reed). This is a significant impact because the movie claims to
be a replica of the book, however, it has discrepancies which impacted the value of the movie
based on the review above.
Finally, the movie’s changes to the final rescue scene cause / do BLANK, leading people
to far prefer the book’s more realistic or (other descriptor) version of the rescue. . Tthe rescue the
book details shows survivors being stranded at sea for seven days without food, water, sleep, or
aid after their ship had been torpedoed. Sharks are surrounding them because they had to
abandon their ship. After seven days at sea, the crew is finally spotted by an Air Force unit,
which starts the rescue efforts. The movie is identical to the book in regards to the number of
days stranded at sea without food, water, sleep, or aid. The movie also displays the remaining
crew as shark bait. However, Uunlike the book, the movie actually shows the sharks attacking
500 servicemen. Also, the movie displays how weak the men were and how they were barely
clinging on to life. Critics felt the rescue should have been the best part of the movie; however,
it was "undercut by the film's Sharknado-style approach featuring garish, unconvincing CGI
effects that are more unintentionally comical than convincing" (HollywoodReporter). In my
estimation, it appeared the The movie was more focused on imagery of shark attacks than
actually quoting the facts of history or showing the perseverance and strength the survivors had
to be able to live through this ordeal. The movie caused many disconnections between the
meaning of the movie. It wasThe story was supposed to be a lesson about World War II;,
however, the movie made it seem like it was a war with the sharks and the navy men. This is
significant because it changed the audience’s comprehension of what the producers were trying
to convey and in essence, yielded a 9 percent viewer satisfaction rating (RottenTomatoes). On
Commented [GGV15]: This review does not address the specific point you’re making in this paragraph.
Commented [GGV16]: Topic sentence needed. This is a sample topic sentence only. Don’t use this exact wording, as
doing so would be plagiarism.
Commented [GGV17]: This is good, specific evidence that speaks to the particular point you’re making. Good!
Commented [GGV18]: Really? Was there no focus at all on the war with the Japanese?
Commented [GGV19]: Which was what? That World War II was difficult, men who fought in it were heroes, etc.? Once
you develop your thesis further, be sure all your analysis
matches your thesis.
La`Jaun CherRenfro 2484 Shea Drive Macon, GA 31206 Compare & Contrast
the other hand, the book was rated 80% satisfaction rating (Amazon.com).
Based on the evidence supported by both the literature of the book and digital format it
Ultimately, it is evidencte that the plot of the story is fairly consistent throughout both the book
and movie versions. But Tthe movie lacked the background history information as to why the
United States was in a middle of a war. The movie instead used dramatic scenes and action
scenes to cover up its lack of background details, which caused the movie to send X message or
portray navy personnel in X light; as a result, and the viewers showed their dissatisfaction based
on the reviews that were completedand viewing ratings. So, Iif you want to see a ship sink and
watch navy men attacked by sharks for an unknown reasonfor a long time, USS Indianapolis is
the movie for you. However, if you are looking for a story that instead……., then the book
Ordeal by the Sea is a much better option.
Helm, Thomas. Ordeal by Sea: The Tragedy of the U.S.S. Indianapolis. Literary Licensing, 2012
I read this book in order to be able to compare and contrast the movie USS Indianapolis. I was
able to gather differences and similarities between the book and movie to help furnish my
paper.
Peebles, Mario Van, Director. U.S.S. Indianapolis. Saban Films, 2017
Commented [GGV20]: So, what does the book version ultimately supply that the movie version does not? A
historical, realistic portrayal of war and a positive portrayal
of the heroes who took part? Something else? Your initial
thesis (and thesis restatement here) must specify.
Commented [GGV21]: Your Works Cited page must begin on the first page following the last page of your essay. Also,
review the instructions for this exam; this exam requires a
Works Cited page or Bibliography, not an Annotated
Bibliography.
La`Jaun CherRenfro 2484 Shea Drive Macon, GA 31206 Compare & Contrast
I watched this movie which provided me with the supporting evidence to properly contrast
events regarding the dramatic scenes as opposed to the book.
Scheck, Frank “USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage. Film Review” The Hollywood Reporter, 11
Nov. 2016, www.hollywoodreporter.com/review/uss-indianapolis-men-courage-946503.
This review help supported my claim that the movie was more focused on the survivors being
attacked by sharks rather than focusing on the World War II events.
Cannon, Cam, and Richard Rionda Del Castro. “USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage” USS
Indianapolis: Men of Courage (2016)- Rotten Tomatoes, 7 Nov 2017,
www.rottentomatoes.com/m/uss_indianapolis_men_of_courage/.
This article helped support that the viewers of the movie only rated a nine percent satisfaction
rating which supported my claim that the viewers were not satisfied with the movie.
"USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage". AMCTheatres.com. Retrieved 30 July 2017
This scene confirms the inner drama events in the movie regarding a romantic relationship being
shared amongst two sailormen during the movie.
Grown, Dave. “USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage Reviews & Ratings” IMDb, IMDb.com, 11
May 2017, www.imdb.com/title/tt2032572/reviews?start=10
This article helped support the beginning of the movie which lacked a proper introduction and
started off as a cartoon as opposed to a war event.
Reed, Rex “In ‘USS Indianapolis’, Real-Life Emotion Elevates a Middle-of-the-Road Script”.
Observer, Observer, 9 Nov 2016, Observer.com/2016/11/in-uss-indianapolis-real-life-emotion-
elevates-a-middle-of-the-road-script/
This article helped support the discrepancies the movie displayed compared to the book. The
movie claims to the based on a true story.
La`Jaun CherRenfro 2484 Shea Drive Macon, GA 31206 Compare & Contrast
Thomas Helm, William J. Toti: Books. “Amazon.com: Ordeal by Sea: The Tragedy of the U.S.S.
Indianapolis 01, June 2001
This helped me gather the reader satisfaction rating as compared to the film.