Psychology 4-MAT Assignment: Deal Review Assignment
Deal Chapter 9-12
Smart Step Five: Side STEP (Part 1)
Deal, R. (2014). The Smart Stepfamily. Baker Publishing Group. https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781441264206
The pitfalls common to stepfamilies
Why did you bring us to the desert to die? Weren’t there any graves in Egypt? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?
Exodus 14:11 NIRV
When they came to Marah, they couldn’t drink its water. It was bitter. . . . The people told Moses they weren’t happy with him. They said, “What are we supposed to drink?”
Exodus 15:23–24 NIRV
The journey from Egypt to the Promised Land was very long. Repeatedly throughout the trip the Israelites lost sight of God’s faithfulness and protective hand. Grumbling and complaining, they voiced their lack of faith and fear of dying in the wilderness. From a human standpoint, even with God in control, the journey was challenging, filled with pitfalls and uncertainty. They had to cross the Red Sea, walk day after day through the wilderness without knowing where they would be when the day was done, and once they crossed the Jordan River, fight battles against fierce enemy nations.
From a spiritual standpoint, however, the journey was ultimately in God’s hands. God did all the hard work; they just had to believe and act according to their confidence in God. That task proved to be one of the most difficult, and it continues to be one of the most difficult for us today.
A great many pitfalls threaten the stepfamily’s journey to the Promised Land. We’ve already encountered some of the most strenuous:
Adults who are disconnected from God and his church body due to personal shame and guilt or judgment from friends and church leaders.
Unrealistic expectations that bring about unhealthy attempts to “blend” family members quickly instead of relaxing in a Crockpot-cooking style.
A weak marital relationship eroded by preexisting loyalties to children, ghosts, and emotional baggage from previous relationships.
Couples who don’t function as a team because they have poor communication and conflict resolution skills.
Battles with ex-spouses and poor co-parenting that cause stress for everyone.
A poor parental team resulting from misguided parent and stepparent roles and ineffective parenting skills.
From a human perspective, stepfamily life is full of pitfalls and uncertainty. From a spiritual standpoint, however, God is still working on your behalf. You must continue to believe and act according to your confidence in him.
In addition to the pitfalls listed above, a number of other significant pitfalls must be sidestepped, including:
Unrecognized loss and unexpressed grief
Being driven by menacing emotions
Combining holiday and family traditions
Money matters (I’ll devote the entire next chapter to this topic.)
Let’s consider them one at a time, beginning with the one most hidden.
Unrecognized Loss and Unexpressed Grief
Marriage is supposed to be a time when a new relationship and family is born. Hollywood tells us that marriage is just the beginning of “and they lived happily ever after.” But for a stepfamily, a wedding is not the beginning, it is the middle. Stepfamilies are born out of the loss of previous family relationships; that is, they are created when a marriage follows death, divorce, or an out-of-wedlock birth. This loss creates a paradox of emotions for the new stepfamily: hand in hand with joy and hope linger sadness and grief.
For those of you currently married, think back to your wedding day. Do you recall any mixed feelings? Joy and anxiety? Optimism and fear? Happiness and sadness? Love and anger? Do you remember trying to decide whether to invite your ex-spouse’s parents and how to break the news of the engagement to your children? If your spouse died, do you remember wondering if in the afterlife he or she somehow knew what you were doing? Did you feel your spouse’s blessing to move on, or would your partner be troubled by your decision? What concerns did you have for your children and how did they voice their pleasure or apprehension about your remarriage?
Many adults readily acknowledge their conflicting emotions but are surprised to consider that their children probably felt a mixed bag as well. If you’re courageous, spend some one-on-one time with each of your children and ask how they felt at the time of the wedding. Open the door to some honest conversation about mixed emotions, and be open to affirming the difficulties those created for you and your children. After all, everyone in a stepfamily has experienced loss. The trick is not allowing loss and sadness to remain hidden below the surface; it has more power there. Rather, expressing and sharing our loss diminishes its intensity and ability to divide.
Dating Couples
Have “What if?” conversations with your children to explore their feelings. For example, “What if I were to get engaged or married? How would you feel? What would your mom/dad feel? Your siblings?”
As you continue reading, note the typical losses experienced by others in your stepfamily (even those in the other home). Your losses are easy to identify. The challenge of understanding involves stepping into the shoes of others to experience what troubles them. Make a list of your realizations—it just might help you to relate better to someone in your home.
The Enduring Nature of Loss
Loss is a journey, not a destination. You don’t just get over it and move on. It is an ongoing journey with new layers added and persistent undercurrents just below the surface that are always present. Losing my son has most assuredly taught me this unfortunate lesson.
If Loss Is Not Your Story
Sometimes stepparents who have never been married before and didn’t bring children to the marriage find it difficult to understand the significance of loss. If this is you, ask questions and listen with empathy to the stories of the children and your spouse. Connect with their pain as best you can and minister to their hurt.
There are some losses that have a small to moderate impact on our lives; they hurt, they sting, they create inconvenience and stress, but they seem to resolve themselves and we move on. There are other losses that put us in the center of a massive earthquake and everything we know or possess is destroyed. We are shaken to our core and the pain is intense and enduring (a sorrow upon sorrow); frequently these losses cause us to question our faith and we discover that the framework of assumptions and surface theology we had based our lives upon is no longer adequate to make sense of life or find our way through it. Losing Connor has recalibrated my wife and me in such a way. And then there are the aftershocks.
After the earthquake, there are continual aftershocks that originate near the epicenter but bring their own destruction. For example, it’s been five years since my son died, and nearly every day I experience some ripple effect of his death that costs me something else or complicates life. Today just happens to be Sunday, and this morning my family went to worship the Lord. I still find the worship hour to be one of the most difficult of my week. I sing in celebration of Christ’s victory over death (which happily means I’ll see Connor again), but I cry through the singing of those songs because he’s not here. At times during the past five years, trying to worship has isolated my wife and me and our other two boys from one another because some days one or two of us may have felt like participating and the others just wanted to yell at God.
And there’s the aftershock of all the friends we’ve lost through the years. In the city we lived in when Connor died, we used to go to worship services to see and enjoy friends, but it soon became, except for a few, a sea of strangers who couldn’t stand to be around sad people who couldn’t smile or laugh or talk about surface, petty things anymore. That was such a lonely experience; first we lost Connor, then we lost our church.
We are now in a new city and looking for a new church, and I noticed yet another church aftershock. Just this morning I recognized that I was shrinking back from people at church. I told my wife and she asked in what way. I was holding back from getting to know people because introducing myself means telling them about Connor, which I am more than happy to do—I love talking about Connor—but I have learned that as soon as I bring up every parent’s worst nightmare, most people get tongue-tied, end the pleasantries as quickly as possible, and head for the nearest exit. Or, even worse, some people continue talking to me, but never acknowledge the magnitude of what I just said. Instead, they keep talking like I just said I had pizza last night. (I estimate that only one in ten people can turn toward our grief story instead of away from it.) With much prayer I have learned to be compassionate toward those who freeze in the presence of a grieving parent, but I have become weary of the experience. Shrinking back is my natural self-protection; I am tired of having people look at me like I have leprosy. All in all, instead of being an uplifting and challenging opportunity, going to church still sometimes feels like swimming in shark-infested waters.
First comes the earthquake, then the aftershocks.
And so it is with you, your family, and your kids. First came the death, divorce, or breakup, and then come the aftershocks:
Lost self-confidence and struggles with your worth.
A lost sense of identity and place in the social world: Friends or family members who won’t engage you as they did before or church members who treat you differently after the divorce.
Watching your children experience repeated hurt from a disappearing dad or mom.
Noticing how your children of all ages seem confused about their family as stepparents and stepsiblings come in and out of their lives.
Trying to help kids cope with a non-specific depression that neither they nor you can explain, but you know is somehow related to how life is so incredibly different than it used to be.
Wrestling with the all-important God questions: Why would God allow this? Doesn’t God care about us like he does other families? When is God going to make our situation better?
The helplessness you feel as you endeavor to bring your children to faith, but the other home or the hurt in their life, or both, are pulling them in another direction.
The list goes on and on. You can probably immediately list five to ten aftershocks in your life right now without much effort.
I find the enduring nature of aftershocks and their impact to be quite insidious and, sometimes, elusive. I’ve had more than one parent and stepparent say something like, “Thank goodness the kids were toddlers when the divorce happened. They don’t have any memories of that time at all so it shouldn’t be hard for them.” Wrong! No, they don’t remember life before the divorce, but every day after is an aftershock that brings its own complication and pain. With friends who live in biological homes, they may feel embarrassed as they try to explain why their parents can’t sit together at the recital, or why they have to have two graduation parties, or why figuring out who is going to walk her down the aisle at her wedding is so stressful. Breaking up with their first teenage boy/girlfriend may shower them with emotions as they rewind life and imagine that’s what you did to their other parent when they were two years old. Time with grandparents may be stressful because of the tension that remains between extended family members.
The point is this: Loss is not a one-time event. It starts with the original earthquake and is then followed by a series of ongoing aftershocks. Ask yourself, how can I reach into that pain, that complication, that place of instability and offer comfort?
To demonstrate what I call hugging the hurt, let me tell you about one more aftershock and how my wife reached into the pain of one of our other sons. Just recently Brennan, who was born two and a half years after Connor, but who is now two years older than Connor was when he died (that’s still so weird for all of us), came into our bedroom late one night. Nighttime is when his grief comes out; lying in bed with nothing else on his mind, he thinks of Connor and gets sad. He can’t be alone when he’s sad, so he comes to our room. I was already asleep. This is the conversation that took place.
“Mom, can I sleep on the floor beside your bed tonight?”
Nan replied, “What’s on your mind, sweetheart?”
“Mom, I just want to sleep by your bed.”
“Tell me what is on your mind.”
“You know, Mom.”
“No, I need you to tell me what’s going on.”
“I’m sad.”
“Sad about what?”
“I’m just sad.”
“Sad about our moving to a new city, missing your friends?”
“No, I’m sad about Connor.”
“Tell me more. Name the sadness and what triggered it tonight.”
“I’m just sad.”
“Go ahead, name it. You need to tell me what it’s about.”
“It’s the end of the school year and I’m getting to finish another grade, but Connor isn’t. I’m sad about that.”
“I can see that. Thank you for sharing that with me. I love you and I miss Connor, too.” She then gave him a big hug and he went to sleep.
Parenting Best Practices
Learn more about coaching children through grief at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/emotional-coaching.
Notice what is happening here. Brennan experiences an aftershock. Nan walks him through a simple process of naming the feeling and what’s around it so he’s not isolated in his experience. Over the years, through a series of such conversations, we have attempted to coach our kids into understanding their own emotions and how to manage them (this cultivates emotional maturity). This not only breaks their isolation but also fosters open grieving, which prevents all of us from getting stuck emotionally; it keeps us moving through the grief together. As parents we can’t fix the loss, but we can hug the hurt.
Consider as you read the following sections about loss for a variety of stepfamily members how you can hug the hurt of your spouse and children as together you move through the original earthquake and the ongoing aftershocks.
Losses of Spouse/Partner
Whether by death or divorce, the loss of a marital relationship is very difficult. The grief cycle after divorce is often assumed to parallel the grief cycle most persons experience after the death of a loved one. There are, however, some distinct differences. When anticipating a death people tend to experience grief in stages; the most common tend to be denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. After divorce, however, persons tend to experience a cycle of love, anger, and sadness.1 Feelings of love, which include a fondness and longing to be with the person lost, the hope of reconciliation, and guilt over what has been lost, cycle periodically through a person’s heart. Close behind this wave of emotion is anger, characterized by frustration over what was lost, resentment, rage, and hurt. The third wave of emotion to follow is sadness, which manifests itself in the form of loneliness, depression, despair, pain, and grief. Once the cycle is complete, it repeats. At first, feelings of love, anger, and sadness are experienced with great intensity. Over time the feelings become less intense and less problematic and the time spent in each phase of the cycle decreases.
It is out of this intense cycle of emotions that couples often begin new dating relationships. The new relationship rescues them from negative feelings, hurt, and depression, or so it seems. Forming relationships on the rebound is common and very dangerous. I have worked with numerous stepfamily couples who after ten or more years of marriage are suffering, believing themselves to be in a relationship that was never meant to be. “I was hurting when I met him, and he made me feel good again. On the wedding day, I had second thoughts but didn’t want to disappoint everyone. I just thought I was scared. Looking back, I don’t think I ever really loved him.” Therefore, it is important for dating couples to be aware of this cycle of emotion, because depending on how quickly someone remarries, the cycle may continue at intense levels well into the new marriage. Not giving yourself or a dating partner sufficient time to grieve a loss may result in problems later. Persons who remarry in less than three years are likely to experience longing, anger, and sadness at substantial levels. New spouses may become insecure if they catch their mate, for example, fondly reminiscing over the lost relationship, yet this is normal to some degree and doesn’t necessarily imply regret over a new marriage. Also, anger at a former spouse is to be expected and understandable, as should sadness and grief over what has been lost.
The task for new couples, then, is to set appropriate boundaries with former spouses that reflect the ending of a committed relationship, yet make space for sadness over what has been lost. Preferably couples would give each other plenty of time to resolve the ending of former relationships before beginning a new relationship. For many, however, the wisdom of waiting before another marriage is difficult to accept.
A second task is giving each other permission to struggle with grief even after recoupling. The story is told of a widow who married a widower and soon found herself challenged by a friend. “I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?” “Oh, not anymore, he doesn’t,” the newly married woman replied. “What stopped him?” the friend asked. “I started talking about my next husband.” The underlying message of the wife’s response could be said this way: “I feel insecure about us when you speak about her. Don’t admit you ever enjoyed her, or I’ll be angry with you.” Obviously no one should ever idealize an ex-spouse in order to intimidate a current spouse. But neither should his past be completely off limits. This woman was withholding permission for her husband to feel sad over a relationship that at one time meant a great deal to him.
Michael’s first wife, Sara, was killed in a tragic incident, leaving him behind with their seven-year-old son. After one year, Michael married Debbie, who brought her own child to the marriage. Debbie has continuously allowed her husband and his son to talk in her presence about Sara’s death. Even when they express admiration for Sara, she is not threatened by their fond memories. For many people, allowing a spouse to express sadness over a previous spouse feels like moving themselves out of the family portrait. But Debbie’s identity is not based on being the only focus of Michael’s life; she acknowledges that everyone has special attachments in life. In addition, her identity is firm in her relationship with Christ and she trusts her husband’s commitment to her. This empowers her not to be threatened by Michael’s former bond to Sara. By the way, acknowledging her husband and stepson’s grief is an incredible gift to her stepson. He is able to hold on to Mom in a meaningful way and isn’t forced to move on without her.
Other losses for spouses after death or divorce include the loss of social status, financial stability (this is especially true for women and their children), friendships and family connections, and social shifts within a religious community. For example, many people find themselves socially out of place after the ending of a marriage—sometimes even cast off or mistreated by people who didn’t agree with the divorce. As a result, many lose their church support system and connection with God.
One final significant loss worth mentioning is the loss of contact with children. Many noncustodial parents are hammered by the reality of seeing their children only a few days a month, sometimes less. The added emotional and mental strain can be quite debilitating. So much so, it leads some noncustodial parents to reduce contact even more because the process of saying good-bye is agonizing for them and for their children. “It is just easier not to put myself or them through the pain of leaving.” This, however, is never recommended, as it inadvertently communicates a lack of care to the children.
In addition, after remarriage, a noncustodial parent may feel the loss of contact with his children when stepchildren enter the picture. I’ve heard many fathers, for instance, say they feel guilty spending time with a stepchild or sharing special moments when they can’t experience the same things with their own children. To compensate, noncustodial parents may during visitation weekends minimize time with stepchildren and focus their energies on biological children. This mini-family activity is understandable, yet it may hurt their spouse’s feelings when stepchildren are neglected.
Adults should strive to understand each other’s losses and how they impact the decisions parents and noncustodial parents make. Giving each other space to take advantage of time with children as well as opportunities to voice sadness over time lost is important.
Loss After Death
A common myth is that stepfamilies formed after a death adapt more readily than do stepfamilies formed after a divorce. While it does appear, statistically speaking, that remarriages following the death of a spouse have a better chance of lasting, they do have some unique struggles. John and Emily Visher have identified four major challenges.2
Giving yourself and your children enough time to mourn the loss. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it allows for a decrease in the intensity of grief. Both adults and children need time, as do grandparents and extended family members. If a parent remarries too quickly, acceptance of the stepparent becomes more difficult. In addition, parents may find themselves holding on to material possessions and rituals (ways of doing things) because they haven’t fully said their good-byes.
As stated earlier, most grief experts recommend waiting two to three years before beginning to date seriously or making a decision to remarry. Unexpressed grief clouds judgment about intimate relationships and leads people to step into relationships out of need, not choice. During a therapy session, James reflected on his now floundering remarriage after the death of his first wife to cancer. “I was lonely,” he said. “I felt inadequate to provide for my daughter. I guess I needed a partner, and I wanted a mother for my daughter.” This need and emptiness led him to look past his second wife’s personality distortions and rush into a new marriage that was ending after just one year. Relationships that rescue people from grief are relationships of convenience. The problems come when the conveniences wear off. To explore this further, read Dating and the Single Parent.
Making the dead person into a saint. Memories of a deceased spouse or parent tend to be positive and interpreted through rose-colored glasses. It’s easy to forget or minimize the frailties and failures of the person we love.
A second wife may find herself intimidated each Christmas, for example, when her adult stepchildren gather and share stories of “Mom’s unbelievable blueberry pie.” Even if the remark is not intended to offend their stepmother, she may find it difficult not to feel compared.
Attempting to replace the spouse who died. If a couple had a good relationship prior to death, it is natural for the remaining spouse to seek out someone with similar qualities and characteristics. This sets up the new spouse not to feel accepted for who he or she is and the bereaved spouse to be disappointed when the new partner doesn’t match the other entirely.
The couple’s “us-ness” will also be different, and if the surviving partner assumes it will be the same, disappointment will be the result. Taylor, for example, didn’t realize just how much he and his first wife thought the same about vacations and the kind of fun they wanted to plan into family holidays until his second wife and he disagreed about them. It wasn’t that they were exact opposites; it just didn’t result in the same feeling. I reminded Taylor that, as was expressed earlier, yellow and blue make green, but yellow and red make orange. “Allow your marriage to be a different color or you’ll be frustrated and your wife will never feel good enough.”
Money and inheritance. Possessions and promised inheritances are particularly meaningful to children who have lost a parent to death. The presence of a stepparent may bring out the fear of losing those items if their other biological parent were to die before the stepparent. In addition, giving children (whether adults or minors) first choice over family possessions shows honor to the one who has died. One couple saw to it that each of their adult children took possession of whatever items they needed prior to their wedding. This made sure that Mom’s dishes stayed in the family and that grandchildren grew up hearing stories of Grandpa when they used his golf clubs. Drawing up a new will that details the distribution of sentimental and monetary assets is also a good idea. For more, see the section on estate planning in chapter 10.
Losses for New Spouses/Stepparents
No one grows up with the fantasy of someday getting married and having two or three stepchildren competing for the time, energy, and love of his or her spouse. The marriage fantasy Hollywood sells us is that of a man and woman riding off into the sunset together—perhaps on a horse or in a BMW—but never with children all around them. New spouses in stepfamilies experience the loss of privacy and exclusive access to their spouse they dreamed marriage would bring. In addition, the experience of being an outsider to the history and bond between their stepchildren and spouse is quite a shock for many.
Another significant loss for stepparents is the early bonding time that biological parents have had with their children. Stepparents are thrown into parenting with no owner’s manual and very little working knowledge of the likes, preferences, personality quirks, and motivating attributes of their stepchildren. It is on-the-job training at best. If the stepparent has not had children as old as the stepchildren, it may be difficult to fit into the flow of parenting with a particular child. This leads to frustration and possible conflict with the child and/or spouse.
If stepparents have not had children of their own, pre-marriage fantasies may have led them to believe their need to nurture a child would be met by helping to raise a stepchild. When Randy married Judy, he was sure that living with her two children would satisfy his desire for children. Judy was relieved to hear his enthusiasm when she announced she didn’t want any more children. But after a few years of marriage, Randy realized that the relationship he experienced with his stepdaughters would never fill the emptiness he felt. When he began asking about having a child together, she became angry. “He’s going back on his promise,” she complained. “I thought this was settled before we got married.” Unfortunately, it was settled on a fantasy. Reality brought an unexpected loss to Randy and a complication to the marriage.
Losses for Grandparents
The losses of grandparents are numerous but often unnoticed. When a son or daughter divorces or dies, contact with grandchildren usually diminishes. When the remaining parent marries again it may also reduce the amount of contact (especially if grandchildren live with an ex-daughter-in-law). After her daughter’s divorce, Lana cherished holiday visits with her grandchildren. But when her daughter remarried and the children began to spend some holidays with their stepgrandparents, Lana’s time with the kids was cut in half. Parents and stepparents should be sensitive to the loss of contact between children and grandparents (and extended family) and attempt, when possible, to bring the two together.
Two distinct patterns seem to emerge over time after a remarriage. Grandparents and stepgrandparents seem to either replace their former son/daughter-in-law and distance themselves from the previous son/daughter-in-law or expand their family connections and continue contact with everyone.3 I believe that God would have Christian grandparents expand their connections, keeping alive supportive relationships with an ex-son/daughter-in-law and develop a relationship with a new son/daughter-in-law and stepgrandchildren. This is not to say that equal amounts of time and energy will be spent with all parties, but grandchildren should not suffer for the choices of their parents.
Keeping grandparents connected is, of course, a two-way street. Ex-sons/daughters-in-law have to cooperate with former in-laws in order for the children to remain freely connected. Sophia wrote to me sharing that after her husband left her and their three children, she was tempted to avoid his parents. But inspired by God’s grace, she “built a bridge,” as she called it, and continued to take the children to visit them and all his family. Her children were present for all of that side of the family’s important moments (birthdays, funerals, weddings, etc.) and years later, when Sophia began seriously dating again, she introduced him to her former mother-in-law. “I wanted her to meet the man who was going to be raising her grandchildren,” she wrote. “We visited, and she graciously accepted him and thanked him for the position he was stepping into.” Sophia’s gracious heart and efforts to keep grandparents and her children connected paid off for everyone.
Losses for Children
No one in stepfamilies experiences more loss than children. This truth is difficult for most adults to recognize simply because they are consumed with their own losses. (It’s human nature to notice our own wounds more than someone else’s.) But if you will stop and think about it, they have lost a lot. Further, because children lack maturity and coping skills, they need more help processing their grief than adults.
The death of a parent or a parental divorce means children lose control of their lives, contact with parents, grandparents, and siblings, and continuity of living arrangements and routines.4 Life in a single-parent family and stepfamily is full of transition and change. Here are just a few changes that bring loss to children (some changes have greater impact than others): their parents’ divorce; changing residences or moving between two homes; a new stepparent they didn’t ask for, and the death of the dream of parental reconciliation; new stepsiblings; having to share a room with a sibling or stepsibling; loss of a role in the family when marriage brings other people to the household; loss of familiarity with a school, teachers, neighborhood, friends, activities, and traditions; financial pressures; and changes in rules and expectations from their parent and stepparent. And this list just begins to capture the kinds of changes (losses) forced upon children when families end and begin.
For example, it’s not uncommon for single parents and children to develop an extremely close bond during the fallout period after a death or divorce due to the “stick together and survive” mentality they share. Persons pull together and make life work the best they can. That’s one reason why the announcement of a new marriage often brings more loss for children because it threatens the closeness they have with their custodial parent. I once worked with Jessey, a seven-year-old who was born out of wedlock; her mother had been single and, therefore, focused exclusively on Jessey her entire life. Mother and child had a very tight bond, and now her mother was planning to marry. I asked Jessey how she felt about her mom’s decision to marry: “You know when you’re playing with someone on the playground and they push you down and run off without you—that’s what it feels like.” Wow! Well said, I thought. Another child, a four-year-old, told her mom why she was acting so angrily toward her mom’s fiancé. “Me thinks it in my heart if you get married you’ll have this much love for him [holding her hands apart] and only this much [holding her fingers close together] left for me.”
How do you appropriately display pictures and memorabilia of a deceased parent?
Find the answer in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material, available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.
I repeat this important truth—that marriage often disrupts the parent-child bond and produces insecurity in children—not to make you feel guilty. It’s intended to help you parent wisely. If you are a parent, you need to understand the impact loss has on your children. If you are a stepparent, you need to empathize with—not resent—your stepchildren’s grief. Remember the stepping-stone of understanding in chapter 2? I suggested that the experience of other members of your stepfamily is often dramatically different from yours and that you must strive to empathize with their perspective. That is nowhere more important than in regard to the losses children experience.
I believe that one of the hardest things children in stepfamilies must learn is to share a parent with a stepparent or stepsiblings. They’ve lost so much already, it’s understandable why they would resist making space in their parental relationship for others to enter. To protect their relationships, children may push away the outsiders and block their involvement in the family. This brings about competition and insecurity, especially if a stepparent takes the threat personally. I wish I could count the number of stepparents who have described their stepchildren as “jealous” and “trying to be manipulative.” I respond with, “I know that’s what it looks like on the outside, but what they are on the inside is hurt. These children have experienced a great deal of loss in the past and that makes them scared of more hurt. One of the things they fear most is losing their parent to you. Don’t get hooked into competing for time. You’re the adult. Find your time with their parent, but balance it by backing away every once in a while to give them exclusive time with their parent so they don’t fear you quite so much. Someday, when they relax toward your involvement, you can share time with their parent more equitably.” Respecting the significance of the parent-child relationship is important for stepparents, just as is being aware of how previous losses create fear in children. But then again, it is not just children who become fearful after loss.
Fear: The By-Product of Loss
How does loss impact your family’s integration process? It slows it down. Imagine if someone walked up to you and firmly slapped your face. Do you suppose you might blink the next time he lifted his hand? Loss brings pain, and the experience of pain leads adults and children alike to “blink” when faced with the potential for more hurt. The fear of more pain powerfully leads people to build relational walls that protect them from further harm; this in turn can slow or stall the cooking process for a stepfamily. Walls can be built with many emotional bricks, but the most common are guardedness, distance, and anger.
Tim learned this the hard way. Shortly after his remarriage, he began to sense his second wife, Lisa, pulling away and his stepchildren’s growing resentment. Prior to their mother’s marriage, Lisa’s children had a nightly ritual of lying in bed and waiting for Mom’s good-night kiss. Lisa would lie with each child for a while and talk with her about the day’s events. They shared stories, warm affections, and plans for the week ahead. It was a special and comforting time for the children and for Lisa.
Tim’s fantasies of being with his new wife and building their marriage were quickly squashed by the realities of a busy stepfamily. Tim grew increasingly possessive of the time he and Lisa had together after the children went to bed. Because he felt cheated by her time with the children, Tim began to stand outside the children’s bedrooms and monitor the amount of time she spent talking with them. If he felt it was too much, he would lean his head in and say, “Is she asleep yet? When are you going to come in here with me?” In effect, Tim was saying, “Hey, don’t you think it’s time you chose me over the kids?”
Little did Tim realize how he was sabotaging his marriage and his relationship with his stepchildren. Losses throughout the divorce process and her marriage to Tim had made the nighttime ritual even more important to Lisa and her children. Tim’s whining led them to fear the loss of time together and the love it communicated. Lisa also grew resentful of Tim’s jealousy and began to distance herself from any expectation that she would choose him over her children. This, of course, complicated Tim’s fears, and he escalated his attempts to gain her loyalty. The children remained guarded with their new stepfather and angrily refused to grant him parental status over time. In the end, a vicious negative cycle of fear and resentment resulted.
But wait a minute, Ron, didn’t you tell us in chapter 5 to prioritize the marriage? Shouldn’t Lisa put him first? Yes, I did discuss the importance of the couple relationship, but in balance with the needs of the children. Keep reading.
Anger: The By-Product of Fear
When we fear losing contact with someone we love, we naturally develop anger toward the person or persons we believe are responsible for that potential loss. The above example is a perfect illustration. Notice how each person makes sense of the other’s behavior. Tim became increasingly angry toward his wife “because she babies her children.” Anger toward his stepchildren took the form of a label—“they are spoiled rotten.” His wife was angry with him for “forcing her to choose.” His stepchildren were angry that he “was so selfish” he would invade their special time with Mom. (Notice that the stepparent is the recipient of more anger than anyone else. The insiders can hold on to one another, but stepparents are forced back to the outside when anger builds. I told you it is tough being a stepparent!) Each explained the other’s behavior in very negative terms instead of acknowledging the losses and fears each was communicating through his or her insecurity.
Consider how this situation might be different if Tim was empathic with his stepchildren for all they had lost and was willing to sacrifice his couple time in order to ensure their bonding time with Mom. He would not have stood outside the bedroom door or watched the clock. He would have backed away from intruding on the nighttime ritual, yet still expressed his need for couple time with his wife. Couple time is very important—but not at the expense of valued parent-child touch points. How much better it would have been if Tim and his wife had compartmentalized their relationship and found some exclusive time together before bedtime or during weekends. Likewise, Tim’s wife would be sensitive to his loss of a marital dream and may have tried to carve out some valuable time for their growing marriage—perhaps ten minutes of coffee-talk each night after dinner—even while unashamedly continuing to spend time with her children each night. Finding the balance takes teamwork and mutual trust, but it benefits everyone.
Practical Strategies for Coping With Unrecognized Loss and Unexpressed Grief5
Coping with loss is not an easy task. Adults must set the example for how losses will be handled. Here are some tips to help.
Identify painful losses for each family member. Grief is an emotion that will not be denied. If it is not expressed, it will seep out in resentment, anger, bitterness, fear, depression, or blocked stepfamily relationships. Give permission to sadness and don’t demand that others finish grieving on your timetable.
Make a list of each family member and the losses you believe he or she has experienced. Imagine what it has been like to be that person at each point along the way: pre-divorce or death, after the divorce/death, during the single-parent years, after the marriage was announced, since the wedding. You may be stunned by the number of losses you can identify.
Look behind surface emotions to identify how loss is playing a role. For example, children often display sad emotions with mad responses (“mad is really sad”). Also, spouses maintain a guarded distance from their mate through distrust in order to prevent further hurt from another loss. Be sympathetic to what’s under the surface instead of reacting to what you see in front of you.
Talk about your losses. This helps children and teens know how to think about loss and gives permission to talk openly. Most children rarely have the privilege of hearing their parents talk openly about what concerns them, their vulnerabilities, how they think through decisions, and for that matter, their temptations. In no way am I encouraging you to make your children your confidants or support system—they should not be parentified in that way. However, it adds to their maturity when children hear you talk about a sadness, challenge, or something that makes you anxious in life and how you are coping with it.
This matures children in a number of ways. First, it teaches that vulnerability and “not knowing” is a part of life and does not signal weakness. Second, it helps them see that dilemmas are a normal part of life, and third, it shows them how to think through a situation from a faith-informed, value-centered perspective. This is the stuff wisdom is made of. Oh yeah, there’s one other positive outcome: When adults talk about their losses and dilemmas, it helps children to talk about theirs.
Help persons express sadness and grief. One wise stepparent said, “I’m wondering if your refusal to go to the game with me is because you’d rather be with your dad than me right now. You miss him, huh?” He was right. Acknowledge loss when you see or hear it. “I can see you’re hurting right now. Tell me what you’re sad about.” Then, as I discussed in the story about my son Brennan earlier, ask the child to name what they are feeling. In the beginning, you’ll have to name the emotion for them (this teaches young children and kids without a vocabulary for loss how to describe what they feel), but eventually they’ll be able to articulate it. Don’t assume you know what they are feeling because emotions morph with time and circumstances; encourage them to verbally share it with you every time.
Take advantage of the windows of opportunity life gives you. One boy who had a brother living in the other household said, “I’m missing watching my brother grow up.” That’s a window into his grief. Peer through and become inquisitive. Respond with questions and statements like, “Tell me more. What else do you miss?”
Special days and moments in life also create windows of opportunity to help people grieve. Jerry Sittser wrote his seminal book on grief and grace, A Grace Disguised, in 1996, just a few years after his mother, wife, and daughter were tragically killed by a drunk driver in a head-on collision. Jerry and his three other children survived the crash. Twenty years later he wrote the sequel, A Grace Revealed, which recounts the story of his family after the crash and how God redeems all of our stories into his (an absolute must-read book). After the tragedy, Jerry decided not to remarry, but to focus instead on raising his three remaining children. Nearly two decades later, as they graduated into adulthood, he found himself falling in love with Patricia. A wedding was planned. Jerry writes in his book of the wisdom Patricia displayed on the eve of their wedding. The couple had hosted a backyard barbecue the night before their wedding for around sixty people. After enjoying the food and fellowship, Jerry and Patricia spent a few moments honoring the important people in their lives, including Jerry’s children and extended family. As Jerry asked everyone to join him in prayer, Patricia interrupted him to say she wanted to pay tribute to one more person. He had no clue who she was talking about. To everyone’s surprise, she wanted to honor his deceased wife, Lynda.
Patricia had been a member of the church Jerry’s family attended and she had watched their family from a distance, and Lynda in particular. She shared memories of Lynda’s ministry within the church and her parenting. She spoke of the accident and how it impacted the church, and her observations through the years of the family grieving together. And then, she concluded by expressing to everyone attending, including Jerry’s children, an indebtedness to Lynda. “I am marrying a man and inheriting three stepchildren who have been profoundly shaped by this good and godly woman.”6 In his book A Grace Revealed, Jerry reflects on that moment, noting how deeply Patricia honored the past of him and his children. I would add that she also entered the window of grief that the wedding undoubtedly created for them and honored their grief story. She wasn’t intimidated by it nor saw it as something to avoid. Nor did she—and this is very important—create a sad moment for them when she brought up their mother. As a grieving parent, I can tell you most assuredly, at some level they were already sad. She could have left them there, alone and isolated in their sadness, but she didn’t. She joined them there. That’s one wise stepmom!
Realize that grief cannot be “fixed.” You can’t say something to make it go away, so don’t try. Besides, that inadvertently stifles more conversation later. Saying, “I know you’re sad that your dad won’t call, but you’ll feel better tomorrow” does far more harm than good. Instead, say, “I know you’re sad that your dad won’t call. Tell me about that.” Then listen and acknowledge their feelings.
If your child seems to be doing just fine, keep monitoring. Children grieve in spurts, and the pain may resurface later, or they could be hiding it to relieve you of the burden of worrying about them. I’ve often said I worry most about a child who won’t cry. Remain open to the possibility that future life circumstances will release emotions that have been hibernating and continue sharing your feelings so the child will know it’s safe to talk when the day finally comes.
Some young children will express their feelings with art or play. Use whatever allows them to express their loss. Our work with rescued trafficked children in Ghana has reinforced to me the power of art and play therapy for children. They are able to tell us about their traumas without having to use words. You will need to find a qualified art or play therapist to pursue this strategy.
Make changes in your stepfamily slowly. Try to keep as much stability in the new home as possible. Remember, more change equals more loss.
On occasion, biological parents should compartmentalize their life to spend exclusive time with children without the stepparent or stepsiblings. Regular noncustodial parent access is also a must.
Keep alive the “touch points” you have with your children. Important rituals between parents and children, like a wink, holding hands in the park, or bedtime stories communicate love and commitment to children. Modern technology makes one-to-one “touches” very convenient. You can text a message or post something to their Facebook page during the day or weekend. When extended family transitions make you lose some of your touch points, try to reestablish this valuable form of communication.
Help build connections between multiple generations. Acknowledge the losses grandparents have experienced with grandchildren (and stepgrandchildren). You as an adult child can talk to your parents—the grandparents—and make suggestions as to what their role might be in the new stepfamily.
Being Driven by Menacing Emotions
But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. . . . Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Colossians 3:8–10, 12–14
In the above Scripture, God declares that his children cannot afford to be driven by negative emotions. We are the reflection of Christ, since we have been clothed with him. I shudder to consider how Jesus would have responded on the day he was to go to the cross had he given in to his emotions. He was fearful of being crucified, yet he “paid no attention to the shame of the cross. He suffered there [for our sake] because of the joy he was looking forward to” (Hebrews 12:2 NIRV). Everyone’s emotions get the best of them at some point in time, but you can’t afford to be dictated by them; if you are, you can be driven to destructive behavior toward yourself and your stepfamily.
Resentment led Larry to envy the material possessions his ex-wife gained upon her remarriage. She had left Larry and her children after having an affair with a wealthy businessman in their community. Larry was left to raise the children and manage on a moderate income; she was driving a new car, taking tennis lessons with a private instructor, and living without concern for the future. Bitterness, anger, and revenge are close cousins of resentment, so it was no surprise when Larry started using his custody rights to the children for leverage in his legal battles with his ex-spouse. Needless to say, Larry was a terrible co-parent and was responsible for generating a great deal of pain for himself and his children.
Guilt is another menacing emotion. Whether it relates to decisions you made or circumstances your children have been forced to endure through no fault of your own, guilt is debilitating if we allow it to be. For example, parents who think their children “have suffered enough” frequently loosen their discipline and lower their expectations for proper behavior (for more on paralyzed parenting, see The Smart Stepdad and The Smart Stepmom). This simply teaches children that acting mad, depressed, or hurt gives them license to get their way. While we must be sensitive to children’s emotions, we should not fall victim to them. Boundaries need to be firm and expectations maintained.
The prescription for these difficult emotions is forgiveness and releasing the burdens to God. For a full discussion of the forgiveness process, go back to chapter 6, but let this section remind you of the need for managing your pain. Turning over to God what you cannot control relieves your burden and brings back the choice of holiness, compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Be in the Word each and every day so you can more closely imitate your Savior in daily life. Our humanness will never allow us to completely escape our emotions. But with the Spirit’s help, we do not have to be subject to them either.
Combining Holiday and Family Traditions
The stepping-stone that applies most to the area of traditions is flexibility. Traditions—sometimes called rituals—refer to the activities and patterns of interaction that we repeat on a daily, weekly, or even annual basis. How you greet one another at the end of the day is a valuable ritual and just as important over time as your twenty-year tradition of eating Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma’s house. Traditions are important because they communicate our identity as a family, and their predictability provides security to our lives. When traditions are broken or changed—even if the change is preferred—something dies inside us. Most people have no idea how important traditions are to them until they can’t do them anymore. Oh, how we’ll fight to keep our traditions alive.
The issue of belonging and family identity is very much tied to traditions. During the integration years, stepfamilies discover a good bit of positioning taking place between the insiders and outsiders as individuals try to keep their traditions alive. Persons who don’t share in a given tradition feel like outsiders and a divided family identity is obvious. But that’s to be expected, since the Crockpot has not had time to bring people together. Finding common ground for traditions over time requires a great deal of flexibility, particularly from adults. When parents and stepparents refuse to be flexible, battle lines are drawn, pitting insiders against outsiders.
Holiday traditions in particular put co-parent relationships to the test. If you find yourself in a Fiery Foe or Angry Associate relationship with an ex-spouse, don’t expect the holidays to work out just as you had hoped. Yet even the best co-parent relationship, characterized by considerate negotiation regarding time with the children, still can’t erase sadness over traditions lost and memories from previous family holidays. Getting used to new traditions, different food, and being with strangers in unfamiliar homes is awkward at best.
Holiday experiences open the underlying hidden dynamics of stepfamily life. Ongoing silent battles between co-parents, for example, often become open battles as parents pressure children regarding how much time they will have together and how travel plans will be made. Loyalty conflicts and issues of loss can easily spoil the joy of the season for children if parents are not careful.
David, an eleven-year-old whom I was counseling, decided it was just easier not to visit his dad at Christmas one year for a number of reasons. First, his parents maintained a low-grade battle for control that demonstrated itself in proposals and counter-proposals of how David would get to his father’s house and for how long. A second reason related to his stepmother, who “wants me to be part of her family. I don’t want to be with her or my stepbrother when I visit Dad. I just want to be with my dad. Why can’t she just leave us alone?” As usual, my conversations with the adults in each household revealed their belief that the other parent was responsible for David’s not wanting to visit his dad. Mom blamed Dad; Dad and Stepmom blamed Mom. In truth, it was David who thought it best to keep the peace, not make his parents negotiate (which he knew they couldn’t do), and avoid feeling intruded upon by his stepmother when he was with his dad. He just stayed home.
Practical Strategies for Combining Holiday and Family Traditions
Be flexible and make sacrifices. You cannot make everyone happy all the time. Accepting this truth immediately takes away the pressure to give everyone what they want. Being flexible means realizing you can combine, modify, or sacrifice old traditions during a given year in order to give your stepfamily an opportunity to develop new ones. Set the tone for negotiation by showing a willingness to sacrifice. If you won’t, why should your children or stepchildren?
Plan, plan, plan. As a couple, be proactive in discussing upcoming holiday plans. Determine your preferences and wishes and what sacrifices you will make on behalf of the other home. Then contact the adults in the other home and start negotiating. If you have three or four homes involved in the equation, start planning very early. But, even when plans are set, remain flexible should circumstances change.
Complex stepfamilies may have to be really creative. Maintaining a Crockpot mentality may help you find solutions to seemingly impossible situations. Stepfamilies who have children from both adults often find themselves pulled in multiple directions during the holidays. One creative approach is to let each parent and children spend the holidays with the extended family members of their choosing. This may lead them to be in different homes for Easter dinner, yet acknowledges their differing family connections and honors family traditions. This may be particularly useful to new stepfamilies. As the stepfamily integrates over time, the decision to combine holiday activities may be met with less resistance.
Do what you can do and accept what you cannot change. Work on your co-parental relationship throughout the year so as to improve your chances of respectful negotiation during the holidays. But realize that ultimately you cannot control the other household and you may have to grin and bear it. When stuck in awkward or tough situations, appeal to difficult family members with “For your dad’s sake, let’s try to put our differences aside.”7 Hopefully this will be motivation enough. In the end, lay at God’s feet what you cannot change and go on.
Maintain the stepping-stone of patience. Not all family members will adapt quickly to new traditions or changes to old. Try to give everyone a little “grace-space” to get used to things.
Parent 364. It’s easy to get so caught up in the uniqueness of the holidays that we obsess in making them perfect. Don’t forget that what really matters most to children is what happens the other 364 days a year.
Give permission. Give kids your permission to enjoy the other household and all their family members while away from you during the holidays. When a mother says, “I’m thrilled that you will be spending time with your dad and stepmom over Christmas; have lots of fun!” you are releasing them from guilt and worry over how you will fare during their departure.
Live and learn. One stepfather found himself disappointed year after year because his stepson had to be rushed off to his father’s house in the middle of Christmas Day. He was never able to fully enjoy the day with his wife and stepson because everyone was watching the clock. Eventually he and his wife proposed a change to her ex. As it turned out, her ex-husband was also discouraged each Christmas and was open to changing the visitation agreement. They settled on an alternating arrangement that gave each home an undisturbed Christmas holiday while the other home had an undisturbed Thanksgiving holiday. The loss of togetherness experienced during a given holiday was moderated by the joy they received during the other.
Be compassionate regarding your child’s preferences during the holidays. At the same time, teach children that sacrifices sometimes have to be made to make the new stepfamily a priority.
Daily rituals of connection are important to the integration process. The small, simple behaviors that families repeat on a regular basis communicate care and commitment. Hugs before leaving for school, a special note in a lunch box, Friday night pizza and a family DVD, and Sunday dinner with Grandma are rituals that keep people connected. Biological parents should strive to keep alive pre-stepfamily rituals of connection, while stepparents work to create new comfortable ones. For example, a parent will hug children before leaving for work, and the stepparent may touch them briefly on the arm. A parent may write an “I love you” note and hide it in a backpack while the stepparent’s text message notifies the child of a raise in allowance. Take advantage of repeated behaviors to communicate care and develop trust in steprelationships.
Summary:
Stepfamilies have a number of pitfalls that can be avoided, if not entirely, at least partially. The pitfalls discussed in this chapter, if not addressed, can easily add stress and conflict to your marriage and home. Be proactive as you work to address these and other issues, and seek God’s wisdom as you look for solutions.
Questions for Discussion
FOR PARENT-CHILD DISCUSSION (Discretion based on the age of the child and the quality of adult-child relationships is advised.)
Kids in stepfamilies often experience what I call the Big Five emotions: loss, sadness, fear, guilt, and confusion. Which of those have you experienced and when?
I tried to write down some of the losses I think you may have experienced in life so far. Would you mind looking at the list? How did I do?
Would you mind if I shared with you one of the losses I’ve experienced in life? [After sharing] Now would you mind telling me about one of yours?
What new traditions has our family developed that you really enjoy? Which ones could you live without? Which old ones do you miss?
FOR ALL COUPLES
1. For each person in your home, make a list of the losses he or she has likely experienced. How does this list help you to understand each person’s behavior?
2. What losses has this chapter made you aware of that you hadn’t considered before?
3. Do a case study in stepfamily loss, fear, and anger. Review the comments made by the Thomas family at the beginning of chapter 1.
• How are their losses evident in their current fears?
• List the fears for each person. Discuss the possible similarities in your home.
• Notice how fear and anger are expressed, especially by John, Susan, and Frank.
4. Review the Practical Strategies for Coping With Unrecognized Loss and Unexpressed Grief in this chapter. Which strategies are you already doing, and which could be improved?
5. Identify and list some of your menacing emotions. What are you doing to lay them at God’s feet?
6. What traditions have you yet to sort out? What successes have you had? Share some of your creative solutions.
7. Stepparents: What rituals of connection have you developed thus far with your stepchildren?
FOR PRE-STEPFAMILY COUPLES
Has this current relationship grown during a time of intense grief? Did you wait two to three years before deepening this relationship? If not, slow down your dating and give yourself time to grieve former losses.
Share how you would feel if your dating partner were to admit to feelings of fondness for his or her previous mate.
What are your desires for more children?
Chapter 10 Smart Step Five: Side STEP (Part 2)
Financial pitfalls: managing your money
The best food and olive oil are stored up in the houses of wise people. But a foolish man eats up everything he has.
Proverbs 21:20 NIRV
Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.
Matthew 25:21
A good writer knows when to ask for help. The finances of stepfamilies are incredibly confusing and diverse, so I asked for help. I have turned to trusted friends and experts on stepfamily finances, Margorie Engel, PhD, and Greg S. Pettys, to contribute significantly to this section. Dr. Engel is past-president of the Stepfamily Association of America, an author and media consultant, and a writer on stepfamily finances. She will discuss the daily management of money and how couples choose to pool their income and pay expenses. Greg Pettys is a certified financial planner and president of Aspire Group, Inc. He will consider long-term perspectives about money, including inheritance, retirement, and estate planning.
In all marriages (first or subsequent) money issues are reported to be a top source of conflict. The popular response to that fact is to blame divorce on money issues. Yes, it is true that differences around the management of money can cause harmonious couples to argue and grow frustrated with each other. But more often than not, in my opinion, the reason money matters divide couples has little to do with the numbers and much to do with their values and issues of power and control.
Leftovers From the Past
Two-thirds of all remarried couples have financial issues that are tied to their past relationships. Debts, bills, and settlements are among the top relationship issues for remarried couples.1
A few years after divorcing his first wife of twenty-seven years, Carter, a financially successful businessman with three adult children, met and fell in love with a younger woman. LaShonda had one child, born to a cohabiting relationship, and had been on her own for many years after the father left her without financial provision. Carter had acquired significant financial assets over the years, while LaShonda barely made it day to day. If it weren’t for her parents’ support, life would have been very difficult for LaShonda and her child.
Coming together with significantly different experiences and attitudes about money presented some difficulties for Carter and LaShonda, but trust was an even deeper issue. LaShonda needed to know she was valued and prized by Carter and that she had some control over her financial future (something she had not been able to achieve previously), while Carter needed to know that LaShonda’s “live for today” attitude about spending would not squander his wealth and children’s inheritance. He insisted on a prenuptial agreement. LaShonda accused him of being a control monger. Carter defended his decision as necessary in order to provide long-term for his children. Both struggled to trust the other to be fair and a permanent fixture in their life—again, something neither of their previous partners had done.
When the daily matters of money management and long-term decisions regarding financial planning are not comfortable to both parties, fear increases in marriage. When fear increases, trust decreases, which decreases emotional safety. And not feeling safe taints every aspect of the relationship.
Fear, as I’ve discussed throughout this book, can exist separately and apart from the specifics of finances. Leftover pain from the past and the fear of more pain can color how one perceives the issues of power, autonomy, separateness, and long-term provision. Matters of fear and trust are a common fuel to the fires of financial disagreement; they must always be considered an integral part of what divides couples (look again at chapter 5 for more on managing fear in marriage). In addition, you must follow sound financial principles if you are going to manage your home and future well. For advice on that we turn to Dr. Engel and Greg Pettys.
The following section is written by Dr. Margorie Engel.
Managing Money: Daily Considerations
Money does not have a neutral connotation in stepfamilies. Money may be a major issue for remarried couples because trust, commitment, and the guarantee of permanence are underlying issues. As a result, it is hard to put together the perfect money management package. However, because of previous life experiences, these couples are typically ready to search for creative solutions to new challenges. Stepfamilies often have a combination of three money pots: yours, mine, and ours.
Some remarried couples cannot fathom pooling all of their financial resources, while other couples can’t imagine not doing it. Each side is convinced their philosophy is the secret stepfamily strategy to a happy financial relationship.2
Separate Accounts: “Yours” and “Mine”
Husbands and wives may be embarrassed to initiate a discussion about ways to keep stepfamily finances separate. Feeling the need for separate money seems to evolve from circumstance as much as temperament. When couples desire separate finances, they are acknowledging that they have separate or different interests and that they want to make certain financial choices without needing to ask permission.
Even though they love each other deeply, the desire to avoid potential hassles prompts many couples to keep their money as separate as possible. Avoiding dependency is another reason for choosing to keep separate stepfamily money. Divorce laws have sent a clear message to married women that financial dependency is not, and will not be, rewarded. Stepfamily couples may deliberately arrange their finances to preserve individual autonomy in routine money matters, even though most of them have not negotiated a formal financial contract.
To Spend or Not to Spend: How Should the Spending of the Other Home Affect Ours?
Find the answer in the Smart Questions, Smart Answers bonus material, available at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.
Two separate families living under the same roof tend to be created when each parent pays for herself or himself and her or his children’s expenses. These “separate pot” couples strongly believe that each partner must contribute an equal share toward stepfamily household expenses, which is seldom fair. Most wives do not earn as much as their husbands, and incoming child-support payments don’t often make up the difference. Therefore, her 50 percent of the family’s expenses will be a much larger percentage of her income than her husband’s 50 percent share of the expenses. When this equal concept doesn’t work out, the wife winds up feeling dependent and the husband feels he is paying too much. The old model of men providing all financial support for the family doesn’t fit for stepfamilies; neither does the newer idea of a fifty/fifty split.
A completely separate system also tends to fall apart in a stepfamily financial crisis. Two particularly decisive moments illustrate this well: A can’t-turn-down career opportunity in another city (which usually forces the other partner out of their job and, therefore, provision for their children) or a corporate downsizing causing job loss. By necessity, these situations awkwardly force separate pot couples into merging their finances—at least until the crisis is resolved.
Mixed Accounts: “Yours,” “Mine,” and “Ours”
Even when remarried couples begin a relationship with the intention of keeping money separate, they tend to drift into at least some pooling of funds. Because they are married, couples cannot legally escape responsibility for each other’s economic decisions. From a practical standpoint, individual preferences for separate stepfamily accounts often begin to take a backseat to convenience.
It appears that the best of all worlds for many remarried couples may be one of two variations on the “three pots—yours, mine, and ours” system:
Small separate accounts and a large joint account
Large separate accounts and a minimal joint account
Joint accounts are funded equally or, more often, in proportion to each spouse’s income. Stepfamily couples will compromise on issues that are joint financial responsibilities and handle their own accounts independently.
For most stepfamily couples, each spouse comes to the remarriage with a credit history, credit cards, and individual bank accounts. They may also have brokerage accounts and/or retirement accounts. Couples typically continue to maintain their own accounts. Remarried couples often agree that each will pay for ordinary expenses related to their own biological children (residential and child-support payments), insurance premiums, repairs and maintenance of property individually owned (cars, rental property), and personal expenses for clothing, business costs, medical expenses, hobbies, and gifts. Joint expenses such as rent/mortgage, groceries, entertainment, and family/couple vacations are paid for in a flexible manner according to ability to pay. Most remarried couples also struggle valiantly to accumulate savings for emergency funds and investments.
Financial advisors suggest keeping cash flow separate from investments. It is preferable to fund joint accounts for children and household with the income stream from employment and/or child support. This avoids the typical situation wherein wives spend most of their money for consumables (family food, clothing, vacations, treats for the children) and husbands put most of their money into appreciable assets (mortgage, stocks, retirement funds).
One Big “Ours” Account
Stepfamilies often find themselves easing into pooling their finances. This pool drift frequently starts by establishing a joint vacation fund, purchasing a replacement household appliance, or having an “ours” child. Sometimes there’s a purely psychological transition.
Stepfamily experts Gordon and Carri Taylor suggest you create a “Gripe Agreement.” Here are the rules: When making a significant financial decision, if one of you is clearly uncomfortable with proceeding, the answer is “no.” If one is not necessarily uncomfortable, but less enthusiastic than the other and you decide to proceed, the less enthusiastic partner gives up “Gripe Rights” and you are in this together. If for some reason the decision doesn’t work out as expected, there will be no “I told you so. . . . I really didn’t want to do this anyway” talk. This will help you take personal responsibility for your actions, be accountable to one another, and build trust.3
When all of the money is put into a common pot, couple decision-making is critical to successful money management. Confrontation may arise regarding one spouse dominating financial decisions or non-recognition of the pooling—and that is usually what the remarried couple is trying to avoid.
It is important to make basic decisions about management of stepfamily money in the common pot. These include:
A record-keeping system (running totals or monthly tallies)
Who will be responsible for bill-paying from the account
What will be paid for out of the joint account
How much each spouse can withdraw without discussing it with the other
The joint bank account needs to be set up where it is convenient for each spouse to deposit, withdraw money, and manage the account with online or smart phone access. As with most team efforts, husbands and wives typically handle different financial activities according to their ability to get the job done. Sometimes, especially after a bad financial experience in a prior marriage, couples need to earn each other’s trust.
However Money Is Handled . . .
Separate accounts, pooled accounts, or a his-hers-ours accounts system—there’s no absolute right or wrong way to handle the finances in a remarriage. The comfortable balance will change with the amount of money available, the length of the marriage, and changing needs. The initial stepfamily money management system needs to be flexible, not carved in stone.
Talk about each of the options. During this discussion, consider how you will treat each other if the initial choice doesn’t work well after a trial period. Once the foundation of your new financial system has been laid, schedule regular review periods. Ask yourself, “Is it broken? Should we fix it?” Something is always working and something is always failing. Keep the choices that are working well and replace the duds with new options. It’s an ongoing process that requires compromise and renegotiation.4
Keys to Financial Harmony
For couples to share the relationship spirit, each partner should have a reasonable amount of discretionary money to meet personal needs.
Each spouse must have credit in their own name. It is too important a commodity in our society not to be protected (in case of spousal death).
It’s very important for each spouse to keep some readily available money for emergencies.
Marriages need nurturing. All couples need financial plans that provide money for private time and enjoyment together. One of the essential elements of any healthy financial plan is periodic celebration of its achievements.
Good Reasons to Share Financial Management:
It’s fair.
A lifestyle is determined by spending decisions, so both partners deserve a voice in making decisions.
It’s effective.
Sharing makes for better decisions, actions, and further reason to trust your spouse.
It’s successful.
People who share in decisions have a reason for making them work.
What do You Value About Money?
“Highly satisfied couples have common values about the spending and saving of their money. Happy couples showed at least 80 percent agreement on what they would spend their money on, but unhappy couples had less than half that rate of agreement. Likewise, the percentage of happy couples who agree on how much money they should save is nearly three times that of unhappy couples. Value similarities or differences prove once again to be a strong factor in what unites or divides a couple.”5
Decisions, Decisions:
1. When money is separate:
• What money is to be separate (checking/savings/investment accounts)?
• How much will each partner contribute to the household?
2. When money is pooled:
• What money, if any, is to be personal?
• What money is to be shared?
• What expense categories are most important?
• Will yearly expense plans be created? By whom? How closely will they be followed?
3. Who will manage the books?
• How will they be kept?
• How often: weekly or monthly?
• How accurately?
4. How much discussion is appropriate (and whose opinion prevails) when purchases are made?
5. Whether money is kept separate or shared:
• How will financial emergencies and unexpected expenses be handled?
• When will credit be used?6
Common Mistakes in Stepfamily Estate Planning7
Leaving everything to the surviving spouse with the assumption that the individual will take care of the children. Even with good intentions, sometimes the money or assets are swallowed up by the surviving spouse’s creditors, new spouse, or children.
Failing to update beneficiary designations on non-probate assets (life insurance, retirement plans, and payable-on-death accounts).
Leaving significant property outright to minor children. If the ex-spouse is the guardian of the children, the ex will likely have significant control over the assets.
Not taking into account the surviving spouse’s right to make a claim against the deceased spouse’s estate for a statutory or elective share.
Failing to communicate plans during life to their spouse and loved ones.
Estate Planning
I (Ron) was returning calls one day, and was elated to find myself talking with an eighty-year-old man who was proactively trying to get some answers to his financial questions. “I’m getting married again,” he said, “and I want to make sure both my wife and my kids are well cared for—and I don’t want them fighting over what is left after I die.” The more we talked, the more I recognized his voice. The name left on the recorded message sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it before the call. But after listening to him for a few minutes, I connected the dots. The gentleman was a famous former NFL football player turned TV personality. Yet, here he was, like everyone else facing the unique financial issues of remarriage, trying to figure out how to be responsible to his loved ones and prevent unnecessary conflict between stepfamily members. “Can you get a prenuptial agreement and still have a covenant marriage?” he asked.
I shared with him what I’m about to share with you. “I can tell, sir, that you are looking for the win-win arrangement between your new wife and your kids.” He affirmed that I was on target. “A prenup makes people feel like they are planning for failure of the marriage—that doesn’t engender trust or confidence in the couple. I’ve got something better. My friend Greg Pettys recommends a Togetherness Agreement instead. A Togetherness Agreement is designed to actually clarify many emotionally charged issues and to reaffirm commitment to the permanency of the marriage. Togetherness Agreements are not for every remarrying couple, but if done in the right spirit, will allow a Christian couple to focus on a detailed vision of an optimistic future together.”
I then recommended that he find a qualified trust and estate lawyer who shared his Christian values in order to ask if the Togetherness Agreement was appropriate in his case. As Greg points out, a Togetherness Agreement should always be a part of an overall financial and estate plan, which incorporates other financial tools and legal advice.
Money Talk
“Simply put, there is no one-size-fits-all estate plan for the blended family. Every estate plan for a blended family is different, and the concerns and goals of the families are undoubtedly different also.”8
Before turning to Greg’s advice, I do want to explain why many Christian financial planners insist that couples consider the possibility of divorce. On the surface this consideration is offensive to Christian couples, who obviously believe that marriage is for life. In my experience, however, when someone has already experienced a divorce, they can’t help but be exceedingly aware that it can happen again. Life has already taught them that it takes two to tango, but the dance is over when only one leaves the dance floor. They can’t help but worry about it on some level.
And then there’s the related question of how children will be provided for in the event of a breakup. Or what if the biological parent dies? How will assets be divided between a new spouse and biological heirs? This is an extremely important question given that laws around the world are biased toward blood relatives and marriage partners, but may not represent the wishes of the parent/spouse. Even further, estate laws make it possible, should you die, for your assets to be passed along not only to your kids, but to a new spouse of your widow. Ultimately, all of these questions and estate issues need to be considered and settled.
Again, let me repeat: Financial planning that gives voice to these possibilities is, ironically enough, calming for many couples. They feel as though they have gone the extra mile to provide for their spouse and children should the unthinkable happen. That can actually bring a sense of peace to the relationship and reduce resentment. Not everyone will agree with this thinking, but it is a unique aspect of remarriage finances worth considering.
The following section is written by Greg S. Pettys, president of Aspire Group, Inc.
Togetherness Agreement9
A Togetherness Agreement or TA is a written agreement drafted by a qualified trust and estate lawyer, preferably one who shares your Christian values and understands domestic relations law. It is not merely a legal document, though it can and should be entered into with legally binding authority. A TA is a detailed declaration of loving financial intentions between dating or married partners in the event of death, divorce, disability, or the need for long-term care. Based upon Christian values, a TA is more than just legally binding—it is morally binding. The specific stipulations can vary but will always center around the loved ones within the blended family network (including the homes of former spouses/parents). It can include specific commitments about financial support, details concerning the distribution of certain assets, as well as the rights, roles, responsibilities, and overall total well-being of spouses, children, stepchildren, grandchildren, stepgrandchildren, parents, stepparents, grandparents, stepgrandparents, and other significant relationships.(You can learn more about TA’s and blended family finances in the book The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning: Money Management Before and After You Blend a Family by Ron L. Deal, Greg S. Pettys, and David O. Edwards.)
A Word of Advice
Pay the money to get your estate planning done right.
Provide your financial planner all the legal and financial documents necessary so he or she can adequately advise you and give you confidence that your intentions are being carried out.
Consider Greg and Jenny Smith, a Christian couple contemplating remarriage. If things keep moving in the right direction, their big day is only six months away. Greg has two young boys from a previous marriage and Jenny has a teenage girl named Melissa; they both would like to have at least two more children together. Greg is a successful land developer and has recently received a modest inheritance from his deceased aunt. He has had difficulty keeping debt out of his life. Being a CPA who dots her I’s and crosses her T’s, Jenny, on the other hand, is very good at managing money. She currently has been caring for her elderly mother, Eunice. Her mother is generally healthy, but recently has begun to forget some important things. Jenny is concerned that soon she may need to make good on her promise to move her mom in with her. Greg’s ex-spouse has made it clear that she will not allow him to take the boys out of the state, and furthermore that they will one day attend in-state colleges. Jenny never hears from or sees her ex-husband, who has had legal problems and a lien on their still jointly owned home. Greg has not yet had the nerve to tell Jenny that he definitely wants his business and some of his recent inheritance to go to his boys instead of Jenny or Melissa. He is willing to make provision for them and any future children they may have together, but wants his sons to maintain control of his business and the inheritance from his aunt.
What did the creation of a Togetherness Agreement do for this couple? First, it required them to sit down and share all their financial facts, strengths, and weaknesses. Jenny found out about Greg’s debt problem. Greg discovered that his future mother-in-law may live with Jenny. Together they agreed to purchase long-term care insurance for her mother and to work toward assisted living support instead of carrying all of the responsibility themselves.
Greg communicated his interest in a Qualified Terminable Interest Trust or QTIP, which was drafted by his attorney. In the event of his death it assures Jenny income from the inheritance he received from his aunt, and also includes provision for his sons. In addition, the TA motivated Greg to finally have a buy-sell agreement written for his business. That document, which gives his sons first rights of refusal to buy his company funded with a life insurance policy on Greg, is now reflected in the TA along with references to the QTIP. Plus, the TA clearly spells out that Greg is going to take out an additional one million dollars of permanent life insurance on himself, and name Jenny, her children, and any future children they may have together as beneficiaries. The policy will be owned by a trust so that the value of the benefit will not be included in Greg’s estate and will provide for their needs.
Finally, the Togetherness Agreement addressed how they would manage money on a daily basis: Jenny would take oversight of their joint budget and they would share a joint savings account (but each would maintain 40 percent of all liquid assets in separate accounts for the first five years of the remarriage). They also agreed that Greg would seek counseling and become accountable for his debt so they could eliminate it.
In the end, the TA provided this couple peace of mind regarding their finances and their relationship, which deepened their confidence and trust in each other. In the unlikely event of a divorce, every asset is accounted for, and Greg and Jenny’s prior commitments can all be maintained without much disruption of either of their lifestyles. Greg has the peace of mind that his sons will have the choice and liquid funds to buy their father’s business. Jenny, her daughter, and any future children they may have together get the benefit of the one million dollar life insurance policy, and Jenny’s mother has the long-term care insurance to fund her care. The financial promises are all made in an attitude of Christian care regardless of what happens to the marriage.
What Are the Advantages of a Togetherness Agreement?
Togetherness Agreements allow for a time of full and complete discovery of all your financial matters. There must be integrity and complete transparency. This full and fair disclosure is a legal requirement with a prenuptial agreement, but a moral one in the Togetherness Agreement. You must share the intimate details of both of your balance sheets and income statements. You may discover important facts about each other that have been hidden or previously unshared. You will find out each other’s income, assets, and liabilities, and any impending inheritances or big business deals around the corner. If the possibility of highly personal information being publicly disclosed is a deterrent, you can also ask the attorney for a confidentiality agreement to ensure that the information is held confidential. Creating a Togetherness Agreement without complete financial disclosure could later undermine trust in the marriage.
You will also gain from the process of creating a Togetherness Agreement by communicating openly about the topic of money. This, of course, can occur when already married, but before marriage is the most ideal time to work through money matters. You may discover, for example, that merging all of your separate financial assets and debts may be a recipe for a disaster given tax, inheritance, and domestic relations laws.
The Agreement is essentially allowing you to write the rules for your marriage. It takes your marital vows and brings much needed detail to what are often complex stepfamily issues. Many remarrying couples have considerable wealth to protect and certain hard-to-value assets that need clarity for proper estate planning. On the other hand, a Togetherness Agreement also protects you from a debt-laden second spouse. It helps you determine, before tying the knot, just how much of their credit card bills you will be personally liable for in the event the marriage does not make it for some unforeseen reason. Keeping some assets in only one of the spouse’s names might be necessary to protect them from any future creditors.
More important to many of us in remarried situations, the Togetherness Agreement alleviates worries about whether your children from a previous marriage will be provided for. It ensures that your estate is distributed as you wish and gives peace of mind to the business owner for the transferal of this large portion of wealth to the right people in the most efficient manner.
Money Talk
Only 45 percent of adult Americans have a will. Without a will, intestacy takes over under current law. Intestacy favors the surviving spouse as the recipient of the property and usually puts the surviving spouse in control of the estate even if there are children from a prior union. Learn more at mystatewill.com.10
If you have or foresee having a business or professional practice, having a Togetherness Agreement is a must in order to have it equitably valued and disposed of if the surviving spouse cannot or will not run it upon the owner’s death.
For those who expect to one day receive sizable inheritances during marriage, having a Togetherness Agreement could alleviate any concerns that the person delegating your inheritance has regarding your second marriage. This layer of planning will give confidence to the executor of an estate to distribute assets without delay due to any confusion or relational friction.
Older couples entering into second marriages may have retirement issues or long-term care issues to grapple with. This is another reason for having a TA.
What Are the Disadvantages of a Togetherness Agreement?
Some are opposed to the Togetherness Agreement on moral or philosophical grounds because it seems to plan for divorce. Is this written Agreement an example of mistrust or a lack of faith in God? Could even raising the subject have a negative effect on your relationship? It is important not to force your partner to enter into this discussion; doing so could bring harm to the relationship. When first bringing up the subject, test the water carefully to see how open your partner is to the topic. Do not pressure or coerce the other to sign anything or you will completely ruin the foundation of trust. If bringing up the topic results in significant negativity, speak directly to your financial planner to see if there may be any other way to achieve the same desired outcomes and financial goals without using the Togetherness Agreement (see “Alternative Options” below).
Special Categories of Marital Property That Create the Need to Consider a Togetherness Agreement
Togetherness Agreements can be especially helpful with these five types of marital properties discussed by lawyer Nihara Choudhri in her book What to Do before "I Do":
Pensions and other retirement benefits
Stock options
Professional licenses and degrees
Closely held corporations and other businesses
Professional goodwill11
Money Talk
U.S. law requires that a non-working spouse be the beneficiary of a qualified retirement plan. Your children cannot be named unless your spouse waives in writing any interest in the plan.12
Pensions and other retirement benefits. Pensions and other retirement benefits are usually where the largest concentration of blended family net worth exists. This includes defined benefit pension plans as well as defined contribution plans such as IRAs, SEPs, 401(k)s, 403(b)s, and other qualified retirement plans. Since most states view pensions and retirement plans as joint marital property, and there are many complex ERISA13 rules that govern them, going beyond simple beneficiary designations to include some guidance in a Togetherness Agreement can be a very positive step in financial planning for the blended family.
James and Keesha had no intention of splitting up, but when they sat down to work out their Togetherness Agreement they both agreed that the future of the pension was something to address, because each had already been burned by long-term, messy financial disputes and entanglements in their first marriages.
Their financial advisor helped them explore different methods of dividing pension and retirement plans cleanly and simply. One would be for James to buy out Keesha’s pension share with a lump sum cash payment or other marital assets if the marriage dissolved, based on how long they were together. The second option, which James and Keesha agreed made the most sense, was for James to agree in the Togetherness Agreement that he would pay Keesha only if and when the pension vested, using a qualified domestic relations order, or QDRO. While neither of them expected to need this clause of their agreement, discussing what was fair and equitable was a good process for them to help build their communication skills and align their values.
There are a myriad of other retirement options for blended family couples to consider when designing a Togetherness Agreement, based on individual situations.
Social Security is one option, for example. While Social Security is an important government benefit, especially as Americans are living longer, it’s important to keep things in perspective. Social Security was never meant to be the primary or even the majority of retirement income. For further information about social security benefits, read our book The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning.
Stock options. An employee stock option is a right given by a company to an employee to buy company stock at a fixed or discounted price. If you are fortunate enough to have these financial instruments in your portfolio, having a clearly outlined Togetherness Agreement could be advantageous. This is because courts usually consider all forms of alternative compensation, such as corporate stock options, as marital property. However, it’s definitely not that simple. In fact, stock options can be very complex, taking more than one form and having many variables. For example, Marshall was given some of his stock options before his marriage to his second wife, Marianne, as incentives for him to work hard. Other options given after Marshall and Marianne were married were rewards for Marshall’s past hard work. The question of what part of these financial instruments was earned during their marriage leaves much room for confusion and contention. What if he intends for those options earned prior to their marriage to go to his son from his first marriage but has never discussed this with Marianne? Perhaps he wants that son to have everything earned prior to their marriage and wants the rest to go to charity. The problem is that Marianne has no idea about either of these possible intentions.
One of the items that Marshall and Marianne wrote up in their Togetherness Agreement was a stock option directives section. In these paragraphs, Marshall clearly outlined all of the options in his portfolio and where he wanted proceeds from each option series to eventually go, whether to the son from his previous marriage or his favorite charity. In lieu of the options, Marianne would receive proceeds from a paid-up life insurance policy she would own on Marshall.14 This gave Marshall the privilege of making his intentions clear and gave Marianne peace of mind by removing all uncertainty about this issue.
Regardless of the type, timing, vesting, or other complex options, the Togetherness Agreement will simplify things and provide a clear directive to the court, which can alleviate many potential problems.
Professional licenses and degrees. Both divorced, Ryan and Debra married during Debra’s first year of medical school. Ryan has a young daughter from his previous marriage, and he and Debra now have two more children of their own. He loves his teaching job, and it put bread on the table during Debra’s eight years of medical school and residency.
When Ryan and Debra discussed their financial goals and plans for their blended family, she wanted to make up to him in a tangible way all he had done to support her in those early days. They met with their attorney to create what is known as a spousal lifetime access trust, or SLAT. It is an irrevocable trust designed to get money out of the donor’s estate for estate tax purposes, but at the same time allowing the beneficiary spouse access to the trust funds during his or her lifetime for health, education, support, and maintenance. Then at that beneficiary spouse’s passing, the remaining trust proceeds flow to their named beneficiaries. Debra gifted some money into this SLAT and then outlined in the Togetherness Agreement her purpose for supporting Ryan and ultimately leaving trust proceeds equally to all of their children and grandchildren.
Closely held corporations and other businesses. With family-owned businesses there is a great need for clarity about the business’s transition upon the death, disability, or divorce of the owner(s). Remember Greg and Jenny, whom we introduced earlier in the chapter? Greg was nervous about telling Jenny that he wanted to be sure his construction business, which he started before the couple met, would be passed entirely to his children. Jenny, meanwhile, was busy with her own CPA practice and had no interest in or experience with the construction industry. If Greg predeceased Jenny without making any plans, she would suddenly be running the company, whether she and Greg wanted that or not.
Because they were committed to having tough conversations, and by being totally transparent, Greg and Jenny were able to work out the business transition issues in their Togetherness Agreement. They used a QTIP trust to give Jenny income from some of Greg’s assets at his passing. Upon her death, these assets would eventually go to his children.
For couples like Greg and Jenny, there is a great need to work through the many variables of business transition. These include having a written buy-sell agreement, having the proper types and amounts of insurance to protect key people and property, and coordinating all survivor responsibilities in the event of death, disability, or other contingencies. Without such planning, the surviving spouse often ends up owning and trying to run a company that he or she is not willing or able to run. Proper planning may include a Togetherness Agreement that can tie together all of the many strategies with an overarching, long-range view.
Professional goodwill. Professional goodwill in a business valuation is the intangible value that is derived from the business’s strong reputation, prominent brand awareness, and loyal customer base. This goodwill value is a somewhat complicated component of the worth of a business and therefore is sometimes hard to determine. What is the significance in a blended family of having a properly estimated goodwill value?
Although you may think that your business is worth a certain amount, if the valuation were to be scrutinized at the passing of your spouse, the IRS may think much more highly of the business than you do. This could subject you to additional income tax if the business is sold during your lifetime or federal estate taxes at your spouse’s passing.
In addition to a proper business valuation that includes this concept of goodwill, having a Togetherness Agreement could be crucial. The Togetherness Agreement would address the details of the business valuation and all the contingencies of the business transition.
Calvin and Marcella are a blended family couple who purchased an automotive parts business on an acre of land fifteen years ago. Since then they have gathered a growing customer base and their company has become a household name with three locations in key areas. Their initial property is now surrounded by high-end subdivisions. Their buy-sell agreement, written ten years ago, states that Calvin’s sons will have first rights of refusal to buy the business with the proceeds from a life insurance policy on their father.
However, as happens with many family business owners, Calvin and Marcella used an inadequate formula that gave their business a valuation without factoring in professional goodwill. Today, with rising property values and the power of their business’s name, the IRS would peg the valuation at five times the amount of life insurance provided in the business transition plan. In the event that Calvin predeceases Marcella, his sons will not have the funds to buy their father’s business, and Marcella, who has made it clear that she does not want to run the automotive parts business, will be stuck with the company. It will most likely have to be sold for much less than its true value, and the sons will not receive all that their father worked so hard to build up. A Togetherness Agreement could alleviate these problems.
Money Talk
Property titled as joint tenants with rights of survivorship will pass to the surviving spouse no matter what your will says. Have an estate planner review real estate deeds to determine how that property will pass at death and whether changes need to be made to preexisting deeds.15
Alternative options. One alternative is to have an attorney draft a trust and use it as a financial tool that may get some of the desired results. Keep in mind that this trust will not address all of the nonfinancial aspects of remarried life that the Togetherness Agreement addresses.
Often individuals have two goals when planning for a remarriage with children. One goal is to provide for your new spouse, and the other is to make sure that your children from the first marriage receive the inheritance intended. This ensures that your assets do not pass along to any future spouse of your husband or wife.
A Qualified Terminable Interest Property Trust (QTIP) is an increasingly popular choice in these cases. Here’s why: A QTIP allows you to leave your assets to your current spouse—for their provision and well-being—then, upon their death, the assets will be directed to beneficiaries you have specified, such as your children from a previous marriage. It allows you to control your assets from your grave! Your current spouse can have access to all of the income from the QTIP and your children are provided for. Moreover, the QTIP allows your spouse the “unlimited marital deduction” so that the inheritance is exempt from estate taxes.
Make sure that you find and work with a qualified trust and estate lawyer who understands domestic law to determine whether the QTIP is appropriate in your case. There may be yet other ways to gift now and restructure your estate to achieve all of your estate goals.
When to Start Planning
Before marriage, do not wait for engagement to begin planning whether to utilize a trust or Togetherness Agreement. Waiting too long to bring up emotionally laden issues like inheritances or estate legacies may open the door for tension and problems later. Consider these discussions part of your decision whether to marry; once both of you are satisfied with your financial plans, you will feel a greater confidence in your decision to marry. If already married, we suggest you talk through these matters as soon as possible.
Together with your partner and a Christian trust and estate lawyer you will want to discuss:
How the Agreement affects all of your current and future property rights as well as those of your children and grandchildren from all marriages.
Whether the Agreement takes into consideration career sacrifices you may make during the marriage.
College funding for his, hers, and “ours” children. Who will be paying what amounts or percentages of the college bill? Is your philosophy the same for all of the children? What about advanced degrees? Keep in mind that all spouses, including ex-spouses, have assets and income that will be looked at for the FAFSA when college aid applications are made.
How to handle the support of elderly parents and other family issues involving long-term care.
Specific guidelines on roles in the budgeting, asset management, and debt management for each spouse. Should accounts be joint or separate, and if separate, what amounts or percentages will each contribute to expenses?
All current estate planning documents, their purpose, and who to contact (phone numbers, addresses of all key financial advisor team members, etc.) regarding each.
All business planning documents like the buy-sell agreement. Include in simple terms the intentions of the owner-spouse.
Issues such as living wills, final illnesses, burial arrangements, and memorial services.16
Action Steps
So there you have it—Estate Planning 101. Of course, working through the actual details is the fun part, right? So where do you start? In their excellent guide Estate Planning for the Blended Family, L. Paul Hood Jr. and Emily Bouchard outline five action steps to get you going. With their permission, I (Ron) share them with you.
Money Talk
Name contingent beneficiaries for your non-probate property so that if your original beneficiary doesn’t survive you, your non-probate property won’t pass to your estate.17
1. Review any estate-planning documents you have that are signed and legally binding. Do they reflect your current wishes and current family structure? Note any changes you see that need to be made and write down any questions that may have occurred to you while reading this section. You may be considering one or more of the following questions:
• Is our real estate in joint tenancy and is this taking care of both of our most important values and concerns?
• Who are the written beneficiaries of our individual and shared non-probate property? This includes life insurance, annuities, retirement plans, and Registered Retirement Savings Plans (in Canada), IRA’s (in the USA), and pay-on-death (POD) accounts. Are these the beneficiaries I want now? Do we have backup beneficiaries named?
2. Determine the status of your power of attorney and durable power of attorney or advanced health-care directives. Are they in place and with the people you want to be in those roles at this time? Are those people aware of their roles and what is required of them in those roles? Are they aware of your expressed wishes?
3. Put all of these relevant documents in a locked, protected file and make copies for both you and your partner. Make sure the relevant parties in your estate plan know where these documents are located.
4. Create a binder with tabs for each section so that as you go about your estate planning, all the information you are gathering is easily accessible in one place for yourself, and for your family members, should something happen to you or your partner unexpectedly.
5. Schedule specific appointments in your calendar where the two of you can tackle your estate-planning questions and concerns. If it’s scheduled, you’ll take action and it will get done!18
Finally, you might consider hiring a consultant to help you wade through the details. If nothing else, review my list of recommended resources to guide you.
Recommended Reading
For more on stepfamily finances review these resources.
The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning: Money Management Before and After you Blend a Family by Ron L. Deal, Greg S. Pettys, and David O. Edwards (2019). Bloomington, MN: Bethany House Publishers.
Estate Planning for Blended Families: Providing for Your Spouse and Children in a Second Marriage by Richard E. Barnes (2009). Berkley, CA: Nolo. The Sample Estate Planning Questionnaire and Sample Estate Plans (found as appendix A and B in that book) are especially helpful.
Estate Planning for the Blended Family by L. Paul Hood Jr. and Emily Bouchard (2012). Bellingham, WA: Self-Counsel Press, Inc.
The Smart Stepfamily Marriage by Ron L. Deal and David H. Olson (2015). Bloomington, MN: Bethany House. See the chapter on Remarriage Finances.
Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage by Patricia Schiff Estess (2001). Lincoln, NE: ASJA Press.
View the series of Step-Money articles at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/step-money.
Questions for Discussion
FOR PARENT-CHILD DISCUSSION (Discretion based on the age of the child and the quality of adult-child relationships is advised.)
With teens or young adults: From your perspective, what seems to have changed over time regarding how money is managed in our family?
With teens or young adults: Do you feel that things are fair in our home regarding how money is spent? What could be different from your standpoint?
With teens or young adults: What would you like to learn about money management? Can we share with you our values and why we make the decisions we do?
With adult children: What items would you like to keep in the family line (e.g., deceased mother’s dishes or keepsakes)? What questions do you have about inheritance, assets, etc.? (This is also an opportunity to inform the children of your financial arrangements should you die.)
FOR ALL COUPLES
The topic of money often stirs deep feelings within persons who have experienced unwanted loss and family transition. What emotions were stirred within you as you read this chapter?
Share any fears (money ghosts) you have identified related to money and one story that illustrates where the fear came from.
Which, if any, of your preferences or assumptions about money management were challenged by this chapter? What do you need more time to consider?
What has been your system of money management so far? Share whatever changes you believe necessary at this point in time.
Unity in your system of money management is vital. What elements of money management do you already agree on? What’s your plan to address the ones you don’t agree on (e.g., take a Christian stewardship course or hire a financial consultant)?
Share your thoughts about the Togetherness Agreement strategy.
If you do not have an estate plan, what is your first step to creating one?
FOR PRE-STEPFAMILY COUPLES
Schedule a time to discuss your ideas about money management in the new family. Start by trying to develop a tentative plan as you work through the Decisions, Decisions questions.
It is strongly advised that couples work with a financial planner to create their estate plan before the wedding. What steps need to be taken for you to do so?
In the meantime, start by working through a series of questions on money management for dating couples. Find them here: SmartStepfamilies.com/view/money-questions.
Chapter 11 Smart Step Six: STEP Through
The wilderness: Overcoming special challenges.
Every craftsman makes excellent use of his tools. The craft of building a strong family requires a variety of tools—and the skill to use them.
The journey for stepfamilies to the Promised Land can be long or relatively short, but one thing is certain: the journey will bring challenges. This chapter discusses special challenges in the Christian stepfamily home and gives strategies for managing their impact. Special challenges include managing sexuality and spiritual formation in stepfamily children.
Sexuality
A mother once asked me, “We really don’t have to talk about this, do we?” Unfortunately, yes, we do. The matter of sexuality in the stepfamily is important (it’s important in any home), whether you want it to be or not. Educating children about healthy sexuality is an important part of all Christian parenting. Protecting children from the sexual abuses and myths of the world is another. Stepfamily couples, like biological parents, must keep both of these objectives in mind as they raise their children and stepchildren. But the stepfamily has an added challenge that must be addressed.
While the research on stepfamily sexual exchanges is still coming in, it does seem that children not living with both of their biological parents run higher risks of child sexual abuse from both family members and others.1 This finding is not limited to stepfamilies but pertains to children living in single-parent and cohabiting homes as well. Don’t assume, however, that this is due to the “less than ideal” structure of a stepfamily. Family structure itself, that is, the composition of a home (single parent, biological, or stepfamily), is not as responsible for this increased risk of sexual abuse as is the process of interactions within the home. In other words, sexual boundaries are not going to be crossed just because you live in a stepfamily, but there is increased risk, and you need to protect your home from the potential devastating impact of sexual abuse. When you have poor adult psychological functioning, new relationships with unclear roles and boundaries, poorly defined values, and stress that leads to a lack of proper parental monitoring, there is vulnerability that can lead to sexual abuse.2 In addition, when families are not proactive in managing sexual boundaries between stepsiblings, temptation can become opportunity. Biologically related family members have a natural taboo against sexual attraction; siblings do not look on their siblings with sexual desire. But stepsiblings don’t have the DNA taboo, making attraction one step more likely.
Karen and Frank learned something that would shake the foundations of their stepfamily. For a period of two years, Karen’s fifteen-year-old son had been entering his fourteen-year-old stepsister’s room to fondle her genitals. “How could this happen?” asked Karen. “Frank and I have been married for ten years. The kids have known each other since they were five and four. They’ve grown up together. How could something like this happen now?” Her shock and pain were quite evident.
The discovery of sexually violating behavior is both traumatic and baffling. How could something like this happen?
The Command for Closeness
When two families come together, there is an assumption that people will form affections for one another. Displays of affection, warmth, and hugs of endearment are non-sexual ways of communicating this coming together. However, these non-sexual touches can take on sexual implications for confused teenagers or people whose psychological boundaries are not strong.
For example, biological fathers sometimes report a growing discomfort with their daughters’ physical changes during adolescence. A sweet little girl begins to look like a beautiful woman within a short period of time. Fathers, who don’t want their daughters to feel in any way that their dad is thinking of them in a sexual way, sometimes pull away from any physical contact. Unfortunately, this may be interpreted by an adolescent girl as a rejection instead of an acknowledgment of her increasing femininity.
Stepfathers, as well, often find themselves confused about the physical relationship they have with their stepdaughter. Hugs from a little girl take on a strange new meaning from a blossoming stepdaughter. A conscientious stepfather may, too, pull away from physical contact. However, even that can be seen as a comment on her developing sexuality. Biological fathers must remember to keep hugging and physically connecting with their daughters during adolescence (it helps to affirm an insecure girl of her worth and value as a woman). Stepfathers should seek to present clear non-sexual intentions to their touch and restrain the temptation to view a stepdaughter’s touch as having any sexual connotation.
In addition, a stepfather who works to create a happy marriage with an adolescent girl’s mother helps to reduce sexual anxiety. “As they mature, girls begin to view a good marriage in a stepfamily as a kind of sexual insurance policy. The girl thinks that the closer the stepfather is to her mother, the less likely will be his real or imagined advances toward her. Once the sexual threat is tabled, often a girl becomes more accepting and open.”3
A Sexually Charged Environment
In addition to an expectation of closeness, stepfamilies have a sexually charged environment. This occurs for a number of reasons. First, children watch their parent go through a period of dating and developing romance. Children may even coach their parent on how to act or talk, or what perfume to wear on a date. In addition, a child is often witness to the increasing physical affection and touches that couples share as romance deepens. One father shared how this impacted his children. “While dating, I kissed my future bride in front of the house before saying good-night. My youngest son poked his head around the corner and yelled, ‘Goooooo, Daddy!’” Children can’t help but witness these romantic gestures and hear discussions of where the couple will go on their honeymoon. And then there’s Uncle Roger’s “1,001 Erotic Nights” gag gift at the wedding reception.
But romance doesn’t stop there. A second reason for a sexually charged environment is what happens after the wedding. The first year of marriage is frequently speckled with romantic gestures and snuggling on the couch before bedtime. All of which communicates the message that “sexuality is alive and well in this household.”
Bob recalled, “When my wife and I were first married, my stepdaughter came into our room in the morning and said, ‘What’s he doing in here? And where are your pajamas, Mom?’” Connie said her five children and stepchildren saw her and her husband kiss a lot during their first year of marriage. One of her daughters was uncomfortable with it and always tried to pull them apart. His daughter, on the other hand, would say “Ooo-la-la,” while the boys teased them about “tongue twisting.” While these examples are embarrassing, to say the least, some observations by children, if not handled well, can be debilitating to the family.
Shortly after Nicole’s remarriage to Tony, her nine-year-old daughter, Lisa, started walking into her mother’s bedroom at night to see if they were having sex. At times, Lisa would sit outside their bedroom door to see if she could hear them making love. Lisa’s curiosity about the sexual aspects of her mother’s marriage was brought on when Nicole started closing the bedroom door. Prior to remarriage, Nicole had an open-door policy with her children. As a single parent, she felt it important to be available to her children, especially at night. She slept with her door open so her children could reach her if they had any need. It was her way of reassuring her children after her husband’s death.
Upon remarriage, Nicole began to close her door so as to have some private time with her husband. Making love was just a part of that time, but closing the bedroom door was, for Lisa, an unmistakable nonverbal comment on the couple’s sexuality. This fed Lisa’s curiosity. “Why didn’t Nicole and Tony just lock their door?” someone might wonder. Because they didn’t have a lock on the door. Pay attention, everyone, here comes Ron’s big tip for improving your sex life: Get a lock on your bedroom door!
On one occasion, Lisa was successful. She burst through the door at two in the morning to discover her mother and stepfather having intercourse. She went running through the house, screaming, “They’re having sex! They’re having sex!” Tony and Nicole were embarrassed beyond belief. And because their embarrassment paralyzed them, they did nothing. They simply couldn’t talk about it with Lisa. After that night, whenever the couple closed their door, even for nonsexual reasons, Lisa would later accuse them of going in their room “just because you want to have sex.” The couple’s shame deepened, and they began accommodating their marriage to avoid any accusation from nine-year-old Lisa. Quickly Lisa had more power over their sexual and marital intimacy than did Tony or Nicole.
A natural result of good sex education is curiosity. We cannot fault Lisa for that. However, the first time she burst into her mother’s bedroom and accused them of “just wanting to have sex,” two things should have happened. First, the couple should have put a lock on their bedroom door and begun educating all the children on respecting one another’s privacy. Second, Nicole could have used the situation as a springboard into discussions of sexuality. Whether Nicole and Lisa had talked about sex before or not, this was a perfect opportunity to teach about God’s gift of sex to married couples. The content and frequency of Nicole and Tony’s sexuality is off limits, but the acknowledgment of God’s gift is not. Tony’s participation in this conversation is up to the couple and should be based on his level of connection with Lisa. Beyond this initial response, Nicole would need to assign a behavioral consequence to further misbehavior, accusations, or inappropriate questions about their sexual practices. “It’s none of your business whether we went into our bedroom to have sex. If you want to talk about sexuality, we can do that tomorrow evening, but I don’t want to hear questions about our intimacy. The next time you ask, you will be grounded for three days. And that includes gymnastics practice. Your choice.”
A third reason for a sexually charged environment in stepfamilies is developing teenage sexuality. Our society is obsessed with sex. It pervades the movies, music, and conversation of the average adolescent. Sex is everywhere—even inside the bodies of teens. Changes in hormones and physical appearance also lead to many confusing thoughts and feelings for teenagers. It is imperative that parents present a godly view of sexuality—its purpose and promise—throughout the life of a child. But the guidance parents give during adolescence is the most critical. If parents begin early to discuss God’s design for our bodies and sexuality, important conversations with confused adolescents will be easier. Easy or difficult, they must take place.
When Children Engage Each Other Romantically
What should you do if stepsiblings are mutually attracted to each other or have already engaged in a romantic connection? Visit SmartStepfamilies.com/view/stepsibling-romance for answers.
In summary, children in stepfamilies, and adolescents in particular, are surrounded by a number of dynamics that call attention to sexuality. Biologically related relationships contain a natural taboo against sexual exchanges that steprelationships do not have. To make up for this natural genetic protection, stepfamilies need to set behavioral boundaries that discourage intentional and unconscious sexual attractions.
Boundaries That Honor
The goal is to set boundaries (rules governing behavior) that teach family members to honor one another. Respecting privacy and valuing the specialness of each family member is an important message for everyone to learn. Here are some suggestions to help you get there.
Set rules that honor privacy. It may feel totally unnecessary, but consider having a dress code. Teenagers, in particular, can overlook how their dress invites others to see them in sexual ways or consider them a symbol of sexuality. Girls, for example, who sleep in their underwear and a long T-shirt may be comfortable walking around the house dressed for bed. Little do some girls realize how that arouses a natural curiosity within boys about their body shape.4 Boys can easily entertain thoughts that cross from non-sexual curiosities to sexual ones. To counter this possibility, set a dress code and explain why it is necessary. The dress code teens would naturally assume if on a church youth retreat would work well. Make sure you discuss as a couple what the standard should be. Get on the same page and stick together. Then call a family meeting and invite your elementary-age and teenage children to give their input and determine the rule.
Other rules you might implement include knocking before entering bedrooms and how persons will share the bathroom. It always amazed me how the children on The Brady Bunch, who were similar in age but unrelated, never showed any embarrassment or sexual tension while sharing a bathroom. Again, Hollywood’s version of family life doesn’t even come close to reality. Help your children work out a respectful system for shower schedules and sharing bathrooms.
These boundaries are particularly important when a stepsibling from another home moves into your home. Children and teens who have known each other for years, but never lived together full time, need clear rules of conduct. Finally, be sure not to turn a blind eye to any signs that someone is uncomfortable. If you perceive a child withdrawing or showing signs of stress, calmly approach the child to investigate the situation. Err on the side of caution.
Online Pornography
Access to pornography increases the likelihood of sexual exploration and distorted attitudes toward the opposite sex. For example, porn objectifies a woman’s body and fosters a “girls are here for my pleasure” attitude in boys. Porn teaches girls to be excessively sensual outside of marriage. Exposure to porn distorts healthy sexuality and can create an unsafe environment in the home.
Have frank discussions with teens and pre-teens (separately) about sexual boundaries and healthy sexual attitudes. Setting rules that honor sexuality and privacy is sure to create opportunities for adults to speak with children and teens about sexuality. Take advantage of such opportunities to teach God’s purpose for sexuality and the protection his statutes provide. The message parents give children in stepfamilies is the same fundamental message any parent would give—it just applies to people both inside and outside the home. The message is this: Your sexuality and the sexuality of others is a gift from God that is to be honored and protected. Healthy sexuality between two married people helps build their relationship to each other and to God. Sexuality outside God’s boundaries erodes relationships and creates a sin barrier between God and us.
Unfortunately, some parents rely on scare tactics to encourage sexual purity before marriage. In an effort to keep their children from having sexual thoughts or urges, they scare them with the consequences of premarital sex. I believe we should be honest with children and teens about the potential emotional and physical consequences of premarital sex. However, the scare method doesn’t present sex as a gift from God to be honored. It turns it into a curse to be avoided. When children grow to be married adults, switching the messages in their brain to see sex as something to be embraced and pursued is often difficult. It is much better for parents to teach sex as a gift to be protected and honored. God’s law that sex be saved for marriage is meant to protect us from harm and provide for our sexual pleasure in marriage. We can teach our children to protect one another’s honor and their own so that the gift of sexuality can be enjoyed later in its proper marital context.
Talk about sexual attractions in a matter-of-fact manner. Having healthy and honest conversations about the sexual truths of life normalizes them for children. For example, explaining menstruation to a preadolescent girl or wet dreams to a boy before they occur prepares the child for the onset of such experiences. Preparing and normalizing such experiences is important because, in addition to teaching children proper hygiene, it gives the child a God-perspective on the event. (“You’re becoming a woman!” or “There is no reason to be ashamed of having a sexual dream that results in ejaculation or to think that you’ve sinned.”)
In the same way, acknowledging that sexual attractions between stepsiblings can occur normalizes them for the child. This is not to give permission to them but to teach a proper perspective. The alternative is to say nothing and leave the child to determine the meaning of such an attraction (not a good idea), or to give negative messages that needlessly shame children (e.g., “How could you think something like that about her? That’s disgusting”).
Instead, a parent might say something like this to his son: “You know, son, as we talk about sharing the bathroom with your stepsisters, it occurs to me that some kids in a stepfamily like ours have passing sexual thoughts about their stepsiblings. If that ever happens to you, it doesn’t mean you are bad or a disappointment to God. There will be lots of times in life that you have passing or unwanted sexual thoughts or feelings toward other people, but it would be inappropriate for you to act on them or keep thinking about the person in that way. So if it happens, ask God to help you to stop thinking about your stepsibling in that way. And make sure you don’t dishonor the other person by acting on the attraction or thoughts. If the thoughts keep happening, and you get concerned about it, feel free to talk to me. I won’t be angry. We’ll find a way to handle it. Any questions?”
Final Thoughts
While the occurrence of sexual abuse or stepsibling attraction within stepfamilies is more common than it is in biological families, the odds of it happening are still very low (except in some cultures that turn a blind eye to stepfather abuse). There is no cause for excessive alarm or fear. However, wise parents will recognize the risks and be proactive to ensure that inappropriate behavior does not become a problem.
Spiritual Formation in Stepfamily Children
It was a heartfelt question that I didn’t know how to answer. “My kids have been through a lot,” Kara began. “They have witnessed anger and manipulation, fights between their dad and me, six rough years living with a poor single mom, and now they have lived through a difficult stepfamily transition with three stepsiblings. How is all this going to impact their faith development?” I don’t really know. I don’t think anyone does.
Without question, the loss of an intact family due to a parent’s death or divorce will have a significant impact on a child’s faith formation. There has been some research into what the positive or negative impact will be (more later), but we simply cannot say for sure. Some stepfamily children will demonstrate an increase in spiritual growth due to the trials they experience, as did many people in the Bible who experienced spiritual growth due to hardship. (In 2 Corinthians 1:8–11, the apostle Paul points out that a time of great stress led him to a deeper reliance on God.) But parents need to face the fact that, while some positive outcome is possible, the impact on the faith of some children will be negative.
Family and Faith
God’s plan for making himself known to children has always been centered on the family. Psalm 78:1–8 (NIRV) captures the essence of that plan:
My people, listen to my teaching.
Pay attention to what I say.
I will open my mouth and tell stories.
I will speak about things that were hidden.
They happened a long time ago.
We have heard about them and we know them.
Our people who lived before us have told us about them.
We won’t hide them from our children.
We will tell them to those who live after us.
We will tell them about what the Lord has done that is worthy of praise.
We will talk about his power and the wonderful things he has done.
He gave laws to the people of Jacob.
He gave Israel their law.
He commanded our people who lived before us
to teach his laws to their children.
Then those born later would know his laws.
Even their children yet to come would know them.
And they in turn would tell their children.
Then they would put their trust in God.
They would not forget what he had done.
They would obey his commands.
They would not be like their people who lived before them.
Those people were stubborn. They refused to obey God.
Their hearts were not true to him.
Their spirits were not faithful to him.
Children come to know God when the stories around them point to God’s mighty works and love. And it is parents who are handed the responsibility to tell their children the stories of God. Parents tell these stories in three ways.5
Share the biblical story of God’s work in the world and the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Parents and stepparents must be diligent in impressing upon children the commandments of God. In Deuteronomy 6:7–9, Moses instructs the people to share the commands of God throughout the natural rhythms of everyday living. When you’re driving to school, coaching a soccer team, or making decisions about money, share with your children how your relationship to God is influencing your thinking and behavior. You can also reference a Scripture and how it pertains to what’s happening in your life. The goal is to train your children to quite naturally think of God in the big and little moments of life.
Share your personal faith stories. Telling children the stories of God also occurs when parents and stepparents share their personal stories, including their peaks and valleys and times of plenty and drought. Most adults have never told their children how they came to know the Lord or about the key people throughout their lives that have deepened their conviction and knowledge of God. This is one of the most significant stories parents can share, because it extends beyond the biblical stories of God’s work in the world to modern times—and to the child’s own heritage. Even sharing the valleys or dark days of your spiritual walk is helpful. Instead of showing your children or stepchildren that you were weak (as many people fear), it shows how God can be counted on to extend mercy. It also reveals the imperfections of our faith and conveys the value of “coming home to the Lord.” Simply put, sharing your faith story adds an array of color to the black and white of the Bible.
Recently some friends of ours had a difficult time being open to God’s direction when a military commitment would take them far from extended family to an unfamiliar part of the country. They struggled about what they hoped to see happen, but when the answer to their prayers was “no,” Greg and Elisa eventually found peace in submission and blind trust. Because their two daughters were too young to comprehend the significance of the trial, I suggested they write their girls a letter about the experience—a letter the girls would read in adolescence when the testimony of Mom and Dad’s faith would mean something. Through this letter, a current natural rhythm of life could still be a teachable moment later in life.
Live your faith. Telling the stories of God includes parents living out an unmistakable faith story in front of their children. Modeling a dedicated walk is far and above the most important story parents “tell” their children. Years ago someone shared with me part of a poem that captures the importance of example.
I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day.
I’d rather one should walk with me than merely show the way.
The eye’s a better pupil and more willing than the ear,
Fine counsel is confusing, but example’s always clear.
Edgar A. Guest (1881–1959)
Life is a story. If your life story isn’t oriented around a relationship with Christ, your children will view Sunday school and family devotions as interesting experiences, but nothing of true lasting significance. In order for truth to come alive, it must be lived out in front of our children. Otherwise, truth is just one concept in a world full of alternative philosophies.
Fathers tell a specific story about God. It occurred to me years ago that as a father I had a tremendous task: to be the first positive impression my children would have of God. Children generally formulate their first picture and impression of their heavenly Father based on their experience with their earthly father. Just as God created man in his image, men (we dads) “create” God in our image.6 If you are distant and unavailable, your children may have difficulty sensing God’s presence or trusting his work in their life. If you explode in anger when your children make mistakes, guess from whom they will run after giving in to sin? If you are rigid and punitive, God easily becomes someone to fear rather than draw near to. Consider Martin Luther’s statement: “I have difficulty praying the Lord’s Prayer because whenever I say ‘Our Father,’ I think of my own father, who was hard, unyielding, and relentless. I cannot help but think of God in that way.” Your influence and behavior as a father are critical to your child’s spiritual development. Some stepfathers will also have this kind of influence on their stepchildren, especially stepfathers of young children who become their second concrete image of God. Since your stepchildren have a biological father who is also creating an image of God, you can never be sure to what extent your stepchildren are “listening” to your behavior. The task, then, is to live as if your example is all they will ever hear.
Will we ever be perfect fathers? I know I’m not. (Having to ask my children for forgiveness happens much more often than I’d like.) But the challenge is to give our children a taste of who God is—a taste that arouses their thirst for more. We are God’s ambassadors, not just of his message but of his image. We have the opportunity to model for our children a heavenly Father who is thrilled with the presence of his children and who longs to be with them. That kind of introduction to God comes primarily through our life story. Dad, Stepdad, what kind of story is your child reading from your life?
Families also have a life story. It can be one of faithfulness or selfishness, sacrifice or self-preservation, warmth or coldness, safety or insecurity, unconditional love or conditional rejection. All of these aspects of family combine to create a culture that either encourages or discourages spiritual relationship with God. If a child’s experience of family is one of chaos, where parents are not in charge and children, having few boundaries, learn self-indulgence, why would the difficult and narrow road of discipleship be attractive? If the family is abusive or neglectful, anger is easily shifted toward God, who—from the child’s perspective—seems to have abandoned the child. On the other hand, wouldn’t children who experience love, boundaries, and stability in their home be more likely to find a relationship with Christ? What if a child witnesses love between marital partners? Wouldn’t that improve the chances of a growing faith? One body of research discovered that adolescents whose parents were happily married were many times more likely to take God seriously than teens whose parents were unhappily married.7 So what about children whose parents divorce and remarry?
Divorce, Remarriage, and Faith Formation
Early in this new millennium, a friendly debate has developed among researchers over the long-term impact of divorce on children. Many of the conclusions are based on the well-being, short-term and long-term, of children. Unfortunately, well-being is generally limited to aspects like academic performance, juvenile delinquency, vocational aptitude, and the presence of mood disturbances or drug problems. But what about moral behavior?
One well-respected researcher, Mavis Hetherington, who concluded that only 20 percent of children from divorced homes have long-term emotional, psychological, and behavioral difficulties following parental divorce, also recognized what I call a significant impact on moral behavior.8 When compared to their parents—who were mostly raised in the ’60s, no less—children of divorce emerged more self-serving and materialistic. Hetherington cites a number of specific examples related to sex, cohabitation, and childbearing: While 10 percent of their parents were sexually active by age fifteen, half of the children of divorce were; less than 5 percent of their parents cohabited before marriage, but half of the children did; 20 percent of their parents said cohabitation was a good trial marriage compared to 80 percent of the children. Finally, she noted that almost 20 percent of children of divorce gave birth out of wedlock and 58 percent had had an abortion.9
Without question, the challenges of parental divorce and stepfamily adjustment impact child and young adult spiritual decision making and behavior, which in turn brings complicating consequences to adult spirituality. In addition to an impact on moral behavior, there also seems to be an impact on understanding the biblical narrative and matters of faith.
Elizabeth Marquardt has conducted numerous interviews with children of divorce and discovered that many of them cannot relate to key characters in Bible stories.10 For example, to a child with one parent who has remained distant, the father in the parable of the Prodigal Son is unrecognizable. Even worse, when a parent abandons the faith, children experience a role reversal in which their parent is the prodigal and they are the ones left waiting for the parent’s return. Other children of divorce find it difficult to keep the fourth commandment—to honor their father and mother. It’s almost as if kids say, “If they didn’t honor each other in marriage, why should I have to honor them?”
In her seminal study of the moral strivings of children from divorced homes, Elizabeth Marquardt reported in her book Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce that kids are forced into becoming what she called “early moral forgers.” They must confront their parents’ differing values and beliefs and determine, alone and at a younger age than other children, what their own beliefs and values will be. Answering the fundamental questions of life, such as “What do I believe?” and “How do I know what is right or wrong?” is a confusing process because children are sometimes influenced by two different standards from their parents. I believe it is even more complicated for stepfamily children. Imagine a child with divorced parents who each remarry. When the stepparents enter the picture, they add two more value opinions to the equation for a total of four. If one of the parents divorces again (re-divorce) and forms a significant relationship with yet another adult, that’s five. As children seek to fold into the value set of each home (so as not to choose sides or anger adults), they become proficient throughout childhood at embracing multiple value sets. This fosters a postmodern view of the world (no one belief system is better than another), which dramatically dilutes not only their value system, but when added to the millions of children growing up in this situation, the values of a nation (what many argue is happening in America and across the world right now). Clearly, children whose parents have divorced bring a host of complicated emotions and formational belief practices to their understanding of God, his Word, and matters of faith.
Culture Watch
Just to be clear, I am not blaming divorce and remarriage as being responsible for postmodernism in our culture, but I am suggesting that when children follow their parents in and out of a series of marriages or cohabiting relationships, it does foster postmodern thinking. Serial divorce and remarriage is a vehicle through which postmodern thinking flourishes.
Even as I write these words, I am well aware of how depressing this must be to you who desperately want to raise faithful children. It is also likely resurrecting your anger and guilt over a past you cannot change (don’t look now, it’s pursuing you again). But all hope is not lost. I remind you again of chapter 1 and the discussion of Jehovah-Rophe—the God who heals. The Creator of the universe can turn the bitter waters of life sweet once again. Part of that healing is made easier when your current stepfamily is strengthened and you model the lifestyle you want your children to adopt. While the transitions through divorce and remarriage undoubtedly derail normative faith formation stages within children, a strong, stable stepfamily, I believe, can set children back on track much of the time. By intentionally creating a culture of faith within your home, you make the story of God come alive for your children and stepchildren.
What If the Values Being Taught in the Other Home Conflict With the Christian Faith?
“I really want my two children to love the Lord and have a relationship with their father. But when they spend time with their dad and stepmom, they are exposed to a lifestyle that goes against what the Bible teaches. What can we do? I’m tempted to discourage them from going to see their dad.” Michelle’s question is one I hear repeated around the country. Christian parents want their children to grow in faith. But what can you do when the other household is leading the sheep away from the Shepherd?
Before offering specific suggestions, let me address Michelle’s temptation to limit the contact between her children and their father. While her desire to protect the faith of her children is understandable, becoming a barrier between the other biological parent and your children is not recommended. When this happens, children often grow to resent the parent who blocks access to the other parent. In the end, you weaken your spiritual influence. In addition, the other parent may feel cheated and retaliate, exposing your children to more conflict.
Guarding your children from every negative influence is simply not within your power. You must find other ways of influencing your children. Here are some suggestions.
First, admit that you cannot control what is taught or demonstrated in the other home. I realize this is a tough reality, especially when you know there are ungodly influences in the other home. Wanting the behavior to stop is understandable, but trying to take control of their lives doesn’t work. (If you couldn’t change your spouse during your marriage, what makes you think you can change this person after your divorce?) If anything, it bolsters them against you and gives them an excuse to blame you for being a self-righteous Christian. Letting go of controlling them forces you to let God be in control of what you can’t change; instead, channel your time and effort into influencing your children.
Influence your children toward the Lord while they are in your home. All parents need to model the Christian walk and impress on their children the decrees of God (Deuteronomy 6:4–9). But you will also have to inoculate them. Inoculations are controlled injections of a virus; they allow the body to develop antibodies that can combat a live virus, if ever encountered. Spiritual inoculations present viewpoints that oppose the Word of God and then teach biblical concepts that help children combat them. For example, you might view and discuss a TV program that glorifies greed, and then show children a spiritual view of money and stewardship.
Children who have one parent who is not living a Christian life will need inoculation to help them deal with an environment that is hostile to their growing faith. It is critical, however, that you remain neutral about the other parent; the inoculation cannot be a personal attack. A comment like “Your father shouldn’t be lying to his boss—he’s so self-centered” pulls on children’s loyalties and burdens them with your hostility. Ironically, it also diminishes your influence as they react defensively against your negativity. A more appropriate response would be, “Some people believe lying is fine when it serves a purpose. But God is truth and wants us to be honest as well. Telling the truth like God does helps us build and keep our relationship with him. Let’s talk about that. . . .”
You may have to endure years of prodigal living as your children try out the values of the other home. This is a truth that many parents fear. Children may experiment with the “easier” lifestyle of the other home, especially during the teen years when they are deciding whether the faith they’ve been handed (inherited faith) will become their own (owned faith).11 Lovingly admonish them toward the Lord (not away from the other parent), and be close enough to reach when they turn around.
Having a prodigal is an emotionally gut-wrenching journey for any parent. You will need support from friends, a pastor, and perhaps other parents who have struggled down the same road.
Pray daily for the strength to walk in the light, and introduce your children to Jesus at each and every opportunity. Your model is a powerful bridge to their personal commitment to Christ. Do all that you can to take your kids “by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master” (Ephesians 6:4, THE MESSAGE paraphrase).
Questions for Discussion
FOR PARENT-CHILD DISCUSSION (Discretion based on the age of the child and the quality of adult-child relationships is advised.)
For biological parent and child: Has there ever been a situation in our stepfamily that made you feel embarrassed or physically uncomfortable?
What privacy rules would you like for us to establish?
If you haven’t previously, have a frank, matter-of-fact conversation with your kids about sexuality within your home (and sexual temptations in general). Review the script in the “Talk About Sexual Attractions in a Matter-of-Fact Manner” section and modify it to fit your family situation.
Spiritual formation: Has there ever been a time that you were confused about the differences in values between us as parents and stepparents? Between homes? I realize that puts you in an awkward spot—trying to figure out what you believe and trying to be respectful of us as well. What is that like for you?
FOR ALL COUPLES
What boundaries do you have in place to deter unhealthy sexual attractions? Which ones might you need to add?
What aspects of healthy sexuality have you discussed with your children?
How much time have you dedicated to reading the Bible and learning its wisdom for your home? Pray together now and ask God to make his love come alive in your lives.
What fears do you have regarding your children’s faith formation?
What strategies for faith training did this chapter suggest that you are not doing well?
How well does your walk match your talk?
How are the spiritual values of your child’s two homes different? What are you doing to inoculate them against non-Christian messages?
FOR PRE- STEPFAMILY COUPLES
Discuss the potential impact of sexuality on your family and boundaries you will adopt.
Prior to remarriage, I believe it is very important for couples to seriously consider scriptural guidelines for remarriage. I strongly encourage you to arrange a meeting with your minister to discuss this matter.
Discuss your expectations for the stepparent regarding spiritual training.
Begin now to make prayer and informal, spontaneous discussions about God’s role in your life a regular family practice. Develop your game plan for spiritual formation for yourselves and your children.
Chapter 12 Smart Step Seven: STEP Over
Into the Promised Land
Moses, the servant of the LORD, died. . . . the LORD spoke to Joshua . . . “I want you and all of these people to get ready to go across the Jordan River. I want all of you to go into the land I am about to give to the people of Israel. . . . as I promised Moses. . . . Be strong and brave. You will lead these people, and they will take the land as their very own. It is the land I promised with an oath to give their people long ago. Be strong and very brave. Make sure you obey the whole law my servant Moses gave you. Do not turn away from it to the right or the left. Then you will have success everywhere you go.”
Joshua 1:1–3, 6–7 NIRV
Is there hope for the weary? Yes, there is.
Because of their lack of faithfulness, God prohibited the Israelites from entering the Promised Land for forty years; the journey could have taken only about two weeks. At the end of their long wilderness wandering, I’m certain they were weary. But as they finally stood on the brink of their destination, the reward for completing the journey lay just ahead. All they had to do was cross the Jordan and lay claim to the land God had promised.
But God could see that they needed some final encouragement. Moses, their steadfast leader, was dead, and Joshua had been granted leadership. Once they crossed the Jordan into the Promised Land, a fury of battles awaited them as they claimed the land. Joshua and the people needed a boost to their courage, and the Lord gave it to them: “Be strong and brave. . . . I will be with you everywhere you go” (Joshua 1:9 NIRV).
The trip to the Promised Land for most stepfamilies is sprinkled with uncertainty and frustrating dilemmas. But perhaps you are standing on the brink of your Promised Land and don’t even know it. Just one more river to cross and a few more battles to face, and significant rewards await you. You just need some final encouragement.
Let me share with you one such Promised Land stepfamily story. Many others are available to you in the bonus material found at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.
Painfully Beautiful: The Spangler Family Hybrid
Ever wonder what others would write on your grave marker if they had to sum up your life in one sentence? What would they say about you at your funeral?
I didn’t know Cheryl Spangler, but I know something about her from what her stepson, Mathew, said about her at her memorial service on April 4, 2013. Cheryl died after a long battle with cancer. Her stepson—or should I say son—shared the following thoughts at her funeral. He wasn’t intending to write a Promised Land story for this book, he was just bearing witness to Cheryl’s legacy as his stepmom. Nevertheless, it is a Promised Land story worth shouting from the rooftops. With Mathew’s permission, as well as Cheryl’s husband, Sandy’s, permission, I’m shouting.
For all of my adult life my parents have been talking about leaving a legacy. But I can honestly tell you that when I began to write this, my very first thought was recalling the times when Mom would repeatedly teach me the value of a crisp hospital corner when I make my bed. My mom had a great deal of wisdom. And if you knew her, you knew she was rarely shy about sharing that wisdom. . . . Most of it, I have utilized. And some, I have ignored to my detriment. . . . I don’t believe I have made my bed with a hospital corner since I left for college.
Here are some of the other lasting memories I will treasure about my mom—a taste of some of the idiosyncrasies that made her . . . my mom. I hope some of these sound familiar to you and make you smile like they do me.
Soft-serve ice cream is the only type of ice cream worthy of being on a cone.
A sundae without hot fudge is just ice cream with fruit sauce.
A curled potato chip, the kind with that fold in the center, is worth fighting for.
A properly vacuumed room will always have straight symmetrical lines in the carpet . . . AND you haven’t really vacuumed unless you’ve moved the furniture.
I can’t fully explain the satisfaction I get from ironing a sharp crease in the sleeve on my dress shirts. That comes from her.
She taught me the proper viscosity of homemade gravy.
She taught me how to drive a stick shift either because Dad didn’t have the patience or maybe the guts. I grew up out in the country, and I remember getting pulled over by a park ranger as she was teaching me . . . because I kept stalling out. He told us to find some place safer. She leaned her head over me toward the driver’s side window and told the ranger, “This is Leroy County. We’re in the middle of nowhere. Where are we going to find some place more secluded than this?” He drove off and let us keep stalling our way down the road. (My mother was not easily intimidated.)
I remember her teaching me how to slow dance before my first middle school dance.
She told me to observe Anita, my then-future mother-in-law, before I proposed because chances are, that will be Stacy in twenty years. That was some of the quality advice I made good use of.
She explained to me the importance of giving my wife flowers for no good reason.
While this may sound pretty normal, our relationship was not cookie cutter. I believe Mom’s lasting legacy to me is the experience of grafting a hybrid plant. You may recall what a hybrid plant is from seventh grade science class. It’s where you cut two separate plants in such a way as to match the stems. A new stem is grafted into the stem of a rooted plant. You attach them together and you let it grow. I remember this being a really cool experiment in seventh grade science class. The experiment is not quite so cool when your life is one of those metaphorical plant stems; the cutting and grafting is painful.
My mom spent a good portion of her life grafting severed families together, starting with her own. Up until about fifteen years ago, I called my mom Cheryl. As you may have guessed, Cheryl is not my birth mother. But I hope you can tell from what I mentioned earlier, she is most definitely my mom. I recognize this sounds a little peculiar as I say it out loud, but I know she realized I was her son long before I realized she was my mom. I know this because I can remember the precise conversation when this began to dawn on me. I was twenty-one, and the two of us were discussing the planning of my wedding.
Looking Back
Mathew Spangler reflecting on the early days forging a relationship with his stepmom, said, “From my memory, most of our early struggles boiled down to fighting over Dad’s attention. I don’t know if I ever verbalized this to Mom, but I distinctly remember thinking, He was my dad before he was your husband. It took a long time to understand that I needed to be a half-notch below her in his hierarchy of responsibilities.”
Let me give a little context. My dad and my birth mom, Nancy, were separated before I was even in school. Cheryl and my dad got married when I was six. By the spring of fifth grade, my life was pretty complicated for an eleven-year-old. I ended up moving in with my dad, and thus began the grafting of our new family. Nancy remained an inconsistent and unhealthy part of my life as I grew up. By the time I was twenty-one, she had essentially dropped out of my life. As we were discussing the planning of my wedding, Mom asked me about Nancy and whether she was going to be at the wedding, and if so, who was going to light the unity candle. I remember this catching me off guard, because never for one moment had it even crossed my mind that Nancy would do this. The unity candle is reserved for the mothers of the two getting married.
That conversation forced me to later consciously realize what she had long before understood—somewhere between my age eleven and age twenty-one—we became the Spangler Family Hybrid. We had been grafted together. I remember arguments where I would spitefully tell her that she was not my mother. At some point, she knew differently and had willingly assumed that role. While we have no common blood and no matching physical characteristics, we have been grafted together by God as mother and son. I think sociologists would define us as a blended family. I prefer to think of us as a hybrid family, grafted together by God.
Paul uses a similar illustration in Romans where he discusses the adoption of the Gentiles as children of God by grafting them into the roots of the nation of Israel into one family. My family is a painfully beautiful illustration of this.
What beautiful symmetry God has woven into my life through my mom. I’m an adopted son. I’m an adoptive father of two little girls. And I am an adopted child of God. When this day passes, and today becomes next week, or next month, or next year, my understanding of my mom’s legacy will be this: Someone who leveraged everything she had to graft severed people and severed families into the hybrid family of Christ.
Final Thoughts
I think it very fitting that the final story of this book is about a stepson giving testimony to the love of his stepmother. The Spangler family story is painfully beautiful. The agony of loss gave birth to a new family, one dominated by insiders making space for outsiders (the choice to love), grace, and a redemptive spirit. And in the end, loss again entered the story, but was overshadowed by gratitude and a legacy of persistent love. Painfully beautiful.
No matter what cooking phase of the Crockpot your family is in (early, middle, or late), I can imagine that some of life has been painful. And I can imagine that you have experienced some beautiful moments as well, though maybe not as many as you’d like. Either way, if you are allowing God to wrap your imperfect story into his perfect redemptive story, you are experiencing the redemption of your home and the next generation.
Are you in process? Yes.
Are you perfectly blended? No.
Can you trust God to provide a path through the Sea of Opposition? Yes.
Will he move through your faith in him to redeem your family story? Yes.
Will that produce a beauty from your ashes? Yes.
Will it remove the ashes? No.
But might his grace change the story you tell about your ashes? Yes. Just ask the Spanglers.
Recently at a conference a couple approached me. “Nine years ago we read your book The Smart Stepfamily and that book saved our marriage. We went into our first year of marriage with so much information that we would have never known—and it saved us. We had our ups and downs, but we made it through because of the things we learned in your book. Thank you very much.” As much as I loved hearing their gratitude, what moved my heart most was knowing that this couple—by the sweat of their brow—were redeeming the futures of their children from the past. A pivotal moment in history was occurring before my eyes.
There are more chapters to your family story yet to be written; some in this generation and some in the generations to come. But when you walk with the Author, you are redeeming the future one step—or should I say one stepfamily—at a time.
Questions for Discussion
FOR PARENT-CHILD DISCUSSION (Discretion based on the age of the child and the quality of adult-child relationships is advised.)
For younger children: Invite your child to select from their dolls, play characters, or Lego characters a piece that represents each person in your family. Ask them to make up a story about the characters and place them close or far from one another based on how things really are in your family. Have fun with the made-up story, but make some observations about where they place the characters. Feel free to say things like, “I noticed you and Daddy are pretty far from each other. What does that mean?” You might learn a lot about your child’s perspective of the family.
If you were writing a story about the life of our family, who would the main characters be and what would be their challenges?
What chapters in our family story are yet to be written? What do you think comes next—and what title would you give to the chapter?
FOR ALL COUPLES
Which aspect of the Spangler story do you most identify with? Why?
In what ways is your life not exactly what you planned? In what ways is your life blessed, in spite of your plan?
What has God taught you about surrendering to his will through your family experiences?
Cheryl Spangler had to wait a very long time before she saw and heard her stepson acknowledge her true place in his life. If you haven’t reached that point yet, what reminders do you need to keep going toward the Promised Land? How can you help each other keep this perspective on tough days?
Painfully beautiful is a poetic way of pointing out that beauty and ashes often exist side by side. Further, we must learn to live in the tension between them and trust God with it. Talk about this aspect of your journey.
What are your attitudes and feelings about those who seek counseling? How would you know if seeking outside help was a good idea?
For further encouragement, read the bonus Promised Land stories at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/learn.
Resources
for Stepfamilies and Churches
Organizations and Websites
FamilyLife Blended™. www.familylife.com/blended. Part of the international ministry of FamilyLife®. Founding director, Ron Deal.
Family Medallion. www.familymedallion.com. Planning to get remarried? This site provides medallions that parents can give their children during the wedding ceremony.
Smart Stepfamilies™ (Ron Deal). www.SmartStepfamilies.com
The Smart Stepmom (Laura Petherbridge). www.TheSmartStepmom.com
Find updated links to other helpful organizations at www.SmartStepfamilies.com/links.php.
Books and Study Resources
View an updated list of recommended resources online at SmartStepfamilies.com/view/recommended-resources.
Adler-Baeder, Francesca. Smart Steps for Parents and Children. National Stepfamily Resource Center, stepfamilies.info, 2002. Ideal for those in a secular, nonreligious environment, this six-week curriculum includes training for both stepfamily adults and their children. Includes two videos and a CD with PowerPoint and handout masters. A Christian supplement entitled “Growing in Wisdom” by Ron L. Deal is also available.
Becnel, Moe and Paige. God Breathes on Blended Families (second edition). Vision Communications Creative and Publishing, 2009. Workbook also available.
Daughtry, Tammy. Co-Parenting Works! Helping Your Children Thrive After Divorce. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Deal, Ron L. Dating and the Single Parent. Bloomington, MN: Bethany House, 2012. Includes discussion questions and an online profile.
———. Life in a Blender: Living in a Stepfamily (booklet for children ages 10+). Little Rock, AR: FamilyLife Publishing, 2012. Includes parent discussion guide. Available only at familylife.com.
———. The Marriage Mentor’s Guide to The Smart Stepfamily (Revised and Expanded edition), 2014. A 13-session guide available through MarriageMentoring.com.
———. Ministering to Stepfamilies DVD. Little Rock, AR: Smart Stepfamilies. Available at familylife.com.
———. The Smart Stepfamily Marriage Small-Group Study Guide. Little Rock, AR: FamilyLife Publishing, 2015. 13-week study guide to accompany the book. Available at familylife.com.
———. Remarriage Success DVD. Little Rock, AR: Smart Stepfamilies. Available at familylife.com.
———. The Smart Stepdad: Steps to Help You Succeed. Bloomington, MN: Bethany House. Includes discussion questions.
———. The Smart Stepfamily Participant’s Guide. Bloomington, MN: Bethany House, and Smart Stepfamilies, 2014. Study guide to accompany the DVD.
———. The Smart Stepfamily Small Group Resource DVD. Bloomington, MN: Bethany House, and Smart Stepfamilies, 2014. Eight sessions for group or individual use.
———. Tus Hijos, Los Mios, y Nosotros (Spanish version of The Smart Stepfamily, first edition). El Paso, TX: Casa Bautista of Pubns, 2008.
Deal, Ron L., and David H. Olson. The Smart Stepfamily Marriage: Keys to Success in the Blended Family. Bloomington, MN: Bethany House, 2015. Includes discussion questions and an online profile.
Deal, Ron L., and Laura Petherbridge. The Smart Stepmom: Practical Steps to Help You Thrive! Bloomington, MN: Bethany House, 2009. Includes discussion questions.
Mathis, Dale and Susan. The Remarriage Adventure: Preparing for a Lifetime of Love and Happiness. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House, 2012.
Stuart, Gil and Brenda. Restored and Remarried: Encouragement for Remarried Couples in a Stepfamily. Vancouver, WA: Seven Trees Media, 2009.
Taylor, Gordon and Carri. Designing Dynamic Christian Stepfamilies: Bringing the Pieces to Peace (DVD and Study Guide). Oklahoma City: Opportunities Unlimited, 2003.
Become Stepfamily Smart
If you are looking for a live conference event, or more in-depth resources for stepfamilies, please visit www.SmartStepfamilies.com.