Essay

Surveillance and Privacy on the Internet by Wisline Fontilus

Submission date: 29-Jan-2021 04:14PM (UTC-0500) Submission ID: 1497310321 File name: Essay2draft1.docx (18.49K) Word count: 733 Character count: 3922

1

2

3

4

5

6

7 8

9

10

11

12

13

14

FINAL GRADE

5/5 Surveillance and Privacy on the Internet GRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

Hi, Wisline. I like what you have started here. You draw attention to exact moments in both Tolentino's and Herrman's texts that are interesting and useful to what appears to be your purpose for the paper. I make comments on the paper about what I think this purpose is and suggest changes going forward to make the thesis stronger and to affect how you integrate and use the sources in the the paper, so please see them.

If you have questions about what I write, let's discuss them this week somehow. I look forward to reading the next draft. Keep up the effort.

PAGE 1

Comment 1

Nice title.

Comment 2

...small, such as ..., or large, such as ...

Comment 3

...issue of how surveillance effects privacy.

Comment 4

...are the reasons it does not promote..

The wording could use some change here to be clear. Otherwise, this is an interesting thesis for the essay. If I read this correctly, your claim is that the internet isn't even hiding what it is doing in this regard, which suggests that users (many/most but not all, of course) want to be watched or are at least okay with it.

Comment 5

Who says this in her chapter? Use a signal phrase to set up quotations.

Before you do this, however, introduce Tolentino and her text to the readers. Give her full name and the title and a brief take on what her chapter covers so the reader has context before you start to quote from the text. Here, you are bringing up what Tolentino quotes someone else saying, so this needs a set-up to explain what going on before you quote.

PAGE 2

Comment 6

Here, too, you get into the source in too much detail too quickly. See the prior comment about integrating Tolentino's chapter better and apply it here, too. You most likely will need more paragraphs to develop and connect this better going forward.

Comment 7

and -display,

Comment 8

This is a nice topic sentence.

Comment 9

When you paraphrase and quote, put the page number reference at the end of where the information/words from the text are given. In this case, it woulf be at the end of the quotation. Take her name out of the parenthetical reference, however, since we know it is from her text:

...exhaustion" (4). Tolentino...

Comment 10

traces

Comment 11

Okay, but the reader still needs to know what Herrman's piece is about. What's the point it makes about this? Then, you can use what he says better in your essay going forward.

Comment 12

What does this mean--...used to bring down big sites...?

PAGE 3

Comment 13

Is this what they are told now? Again, do people not know this is happening, or do they, and ... see the questions I pose earlier about this, as they may help shape the essay going forward.

Comment 14

Works Cited

Some attention is needed here, but this is a good start to this page.

PAGE 4