English 11/22

An interesting topic you’re writing about. I like how each paragraph is formatted and how your evidences come from variety of sources. By doing having variety of sources, it can strengthen your argument you’re trying to make in your essay. Below are the corrections, suggestions, and questions.

Corrections:

- In this sentence, “The race, altitude and behavior of teachers in school create a certain view on the student's mind.” In this sentence, there should be a comma after “altitude” since it is list.

- In this sentence, “Having teaches from varied cultures builds a notion of tolerance, unity, and teamwork in students' minds.” This sentence has a spelling error. It should be “teaches” to “teachers.”

- “For these to be achieved all students from different ethnic backgrounds need to feel like equal partners of the system.” In this sentence, there should be a comma before “all” so it not a run-on.

Suggestions:

- Throughout the essay, you have good resources to prove your claim. However, you can strengthen your argument even further by using a personal experience. A small example, personally I had a teacher from a different ethic group who shared her experiences which motivative me to be a better person or help my community which is to do this by volunteering.

- I suggest you to make an engaging hook. Although your hook fits really well with your topic, I believe it can be more interesting. Instead of like a specific quote, maybe choose a quote that has statistics. This will allow the reader to get emotions and get persuaded to read more about your argumentative essay.

- I suggest making your thesis more clear. I believe this is your thesis statement: “Schools should strive for racial diversity among teachers as it curtails bigotry and stereotype mindset among students.” All your supporting paragraphs talks about diverse teacher’s diversity helps students. However, in your thesis statement, I am not seeing those reasons mentioned specifically. If it is not your thesis statement, please make it more clear so the audience knows what is coming up in your essay.

Questions:

- First paragraph mentions “article” many times. What does “article” refer to ? Mentioning this many times in the beginning made me a little confused. I thought you were summarizing an article or an evidence in the first paragraph.

- I noticed that in each paragraph you started off with an evidence. Where is the topic sentence in each paragraph. Is you evidence the topic sentence or is your evidence supporting your argument ?

- Where is the counter argument ? I see the background and introduction paragraph, supporting paragraphs to support your arguments, and conclusion/rebuttal. Counter argument: acknowledges opposing point of views and the limitations of your own research.

Tushar Thonupunoori , Nov 29 at 12:22pm

Henry, you picked a very important topic, and this is a promising start. As you revise, consider my annotations to the first page of your essay, and consider the following...

Refine your thesis statement and organize your argument around it. A thesis is a single-sentence statement that summarizes what your overarching argument is. Consider adopting the following template: "Although some insist that A, I maintain that B because C, D, and E." For instance, you might write, "Although some insist that racial diversity isn't important among teachers, I maintain that it enables identification, reduces barriers to learning, models tolerance, promotes cultural awareness, and fosters cross-cultural civic engagement."

(Notice how "models tolerance" implies a "curtail[ing] of bigotry and stereotype mindset," so rather than include the latter phrasing in your thesis statement, just speak to it in your paragraph devoted to how racial diversity among teachers models tolerance).

If this were your thesis, your task would then be to dedicate 1-2 paragraphs to each of these reasons, address them in your essay in the same order they appear here in your thesis (first identification, then barriers to learning, then tolerance, then cultural awareness, then civic engagement), and save your most passionate and emphatic point for last (in this case, that would be civic engagement). In this way, your thesis serves as a blueprint for your essay, helping you organize your argument and helping your readers understand your central assertion from the outset and anticipate how it will structurally unfold. With this in mind, craft a thesis statement and systematically refine your argument around it. As it is, your argument lacks this systematic organization.

Use my presentation on thesis statements, as well as the "Outline for Argumentative Essay" (both located in the Week 7 module), for additional help with organization.

Do more research and support your argument with more source material. As the prompt indicates, "your argument should synthesize the insights and arguments of others and use them as a sounding board for your own." I see quite a few allusions to sources--in the form of summary and paraphrase--but I don't see any direct quotes here. So, challenge yourself to use both fact-based sources (studies and data) and opinion-based sources (expert opinion) that support and run counter to)your argument. By incorporating quotes from sociologists, psychologists, teachers, students, administrators, or other experts who can knowledgeably speak to this issue, you would highlight the debatable nature of your topic, and their insights and credibility would enhance your own.

Also, don't forget to acknowledge a counterargument. The counterargument could either offer the opposite perspective (e.g. racial diversity among teachers does not have the effect you say it does) or an alternative perspective (e.g. there are other kinds of diversity, such as ideological diversity, that are more important to hiring practices). Whatever counterargument you decide to acknowledge, dedicate a robust paragraph to outlining this perspective (complete with concrete evidence of it--in the form of an opinion-based quote or two) before you go on to rebut it. Remember, by introducing a counterargument and addressing it thoroughly, you prove that you have considered other views and are informed and unbiased, which increases your credibility. So, illustrate this counterargument--with the help of at least one source--then grant certain minor concessions to its way of thinking while still standing your ground and affirming your own argument as the more persuasive one. Consider using the "Templates" in the Week 10 module to help (e.g. Ways of Responding, Entertaining Objections, So What?).

Consider placing your counterargument immediately before your conclusion. Rationale: affirming your own claims in the face of contradictory claims can help you build persuasive momentum into your conclusion.

Elaborate your conclusion. Think of it as the culmination of your essay and your last chance to convince your readers to see things your way. Consider that a powerful conclusion should ideally…

(1) restate your thesis in different words, so as to bring the essay full circle.

(2) answer the question Who Cares? Who specifically has a stake in your claims (whether they know it or not)?

(3) answer the question So What? Why does your argument matter? (This is most important of all).

(4) add a strong emotional appeal (pathos)

(5) provide a sense of discovery, whereby readers learn or are left with something unexpected--for instance, what is a surprising implication to be inferred from your argument that wasn't made explicit until now? What would be the effect of your argument were it accepted vs. not accepted?

Proofread closely for clarity of expression. More specifically, carefully reread each sentence to ensure that it maintains subject-verb agreement, pronoun-antecedent agreement, tense consistency, singular-plural distinction, parallel structure, proper article use, and proper word form. Meanwhile, beware of sentence fragments, comma splices, run-on sentences, and misplaced modifiers. Also, ensure that the sentences are ordered logically and persuasively.

Otherwise, as you revise your work into a polished final draft, systematically assess whether you have done each of the following things. Consider them point by point and let me know if anything puzzles you.

1.

Give your piece a fitting and thought-provoking title that will spark readers’ interest while also leaving something to the imagination. Don't simply cut and paste the guiding question/prompt.

2.

Immediately grab readers' attention with a hook--in the form of a vivid anecdote, question, quote, concession, fact, statistic, creative wordplay, metaphor, analogy. etc.

3.

Define your terms for a lay audience (an audience that does not have any special knowledge of the issue). If you introduce any technical language, jargon, idiom, euphemism, or acronym that is central to your argument, then be sure to define it right away.

4.

In your introductory paragraph(s), be sure to establish context (i.e. what others have said about your topic before you weigh in on it ("They Say" before "I Say")). In short, you should provide sufficient background about the topic.

Organizationally, this may require comparing and contrasting what one source says with what another source says, followed by you then stepping in as a mediator, gradually weighing what is valid, and having the last well-reasoned say on the matter.

Think of it this way: there has been an ongoing conversation/ debate about this topic that precedes your discussion of it. So give your readers a taste of that conversation--meaning you want to frame it as a conversation--and then participate in that conversation yourself. Use the views of others as a foundation and sounding board upon which to construct your own sophisticated and nuanced view.

5.

Consequently, use your findings to introduce different perspectives.

In particular, incorporate opinion-based sources (after all, the topic is supposed to be debatable) that can speak to various sides of the issue. Facts and statistics are also helpful, of course, but they don't establish a sense of there being a conversation/debate.

Otherwise, you can support your claims with (1) Evidence--things we can observe, like empirical data, personal experience, or textual evidence; (2) Verification--things we can look up, like previous research, law, precedence, or established theory, and/or (3) Illustration--things we can imagine, like hypothetical example, analogy or metaphor, or fictional narrative.

Ideally, your sources should pass the CRAAP test. In other words, they should be current (timely), relevant (applicable), authoritative (credible), accurate (factual and/or rigorous) and purposeful (fitting for your claims).

Remember, you need at least 3 quotes from different sources. However, avoid overwhelming your essay with too many sources. If more than 25% of your essay is quotes, you’re likely letting “They Say” do too much of the talking.

Revisit the Week 8 module for tips on using sources.

6.

Be sure that you have a thesis statement at the end of your introduction and that it makes a SPECIFIC and DEBATABLE assertion--complete with reasons!-- that your essay proceeds to support. This statement should serve as a roadmap for your readers insofar as it should summarize your stance and your primary reasons for it, as well as forecast the organization of your essay.

Also, consider alluding to a counterargument in your thesis. To do this, one trick is to use a subordinator like "Although" to concede certain things before asserting others. ("Although some maintain that A, I still insist that B because C, D, and E"). Speaking of which, review my presentation "Building a Strong Thesis Statement" (in the Week 7 module).

PLEASE UNDERLINE YOUR THESIS STATEMENT.

7.

Be attentive to the logic of your argument. For instance, be sure the cause-and-effect relations you present are sound and/or the problem-solution relations you present are clear.

8.

Introduce an explicit counterargument. Remember, by introducing a counterargument and addressing it thoroughly, you prove that you have considered other views and are informed and unbiased, which increases your credibility. So, illustrate this counterargument--with the help of at least one source--then grant certain concessions to its way of thinking while still standing your ground and affirming your own way of thinking. Consider using the "Templates" in the Week 10 module to help (e.g. Ways of Responding, Entertaining Objections, So What?).

Consider placing your counterargument immediately before your conclusion. Rationale: affirming your own claims in the face of contradictory claims can help you build persuasive momentum into your conclusion.

9.

Use the rhetorical appeals of ethos, logos, and pathos to further persuade readers of the veracity, efficacy, and importance of your claims, as well as of your credibility, trustworthiness, and good character. For examples of the appeals in action, see the Week 10 module.

10.

Every time you summarize, paraphrase, and/or quote a source, be sure you introduce it and reflect on it thoroughly (reinterpret and analyze it in detail), thereby interweaving "They Say" and "I Say." In particular, don't let any quotes stand on their own. Always introduce them with a signal phrase (e.g. “X claims”), follow them with a parenthetical reference (author last name + page number), and build a frame around them, reinterpreting for readers their relevance and significance. Refer to the "Integrating and Formatting Source Material" presentation--in the Week 8 module--for examples.

11.

Don't assume readers know who a particular source or expert is. Explain what a given source's profession is and/or what their credentials are, as well as where you encountered their claims. Without mentioning such information, readers will wonder what qualifies them to speak on the matter. For instance, instead of writing “Joe Shmoe states, 'the future is now,'” you might write, “In his seminal essay ‘Gadgets,’ Joe Shmoe, New York Times technology critic, states, 'the future is now.'"

12.

Distinguish your claims from the claims of others (i.e. your sources and other voices in the conversation). Don't let your claims blend in too much with the claims of others, much less get lost among them. It should be apparent that the argument is yours, not theirs.

13.

Organize your material in clear, focused paragraphs. Break your paragraph every time there is a shift in emphasis or a change in topic, perspective, idea, reason, example, situation, scene, time, or location.

Also, try to craft clear topic sentences at the onset of each paragraph that announce such shifts in your argument and evidence.

Avoid the 5-paragraph model. It's a decent introductory model to the essay form, but it's important to move beyond it. A 5-page paper typically contains somewhere between 8-15 paragraphs. See "Outline for Argumentative Essay" (in the Week 7 module) for an example--as well as tips about organization.

14.

Organize your main points in order of increasing importance, saving your most important points for last. Furthermore, save the most developed and passionate discussion and evidence for your final point. That way, your argument culminates in that most compelling point and evidence.

15.

Also, consider that there should be a sense that you reached your conclusions by considering and synthesizing the various perspectives mentioned in your paper, not by simply stating your own preconceived opinion. In other words, rather than using the claims of others simply to support your claims, there should be the sense that you used the claims of others--at least in part--to arrive at your own claims.

16.

Make proofreading a priority. Ask yourself--sentence by sentence--is the writing smooth, skillful, and coherent? Are sentences strong, expressive, and varied in structure? Are words well-chosen? Is diction consistent? Are grammar, punctuation, spelling, and capitalization all correct? Is your tone appropriate for your audience?

17.

Improve cohesion between sentences by adding transition phrases. Common transition phrases include “However / On the other hand / As a result / Consequently / Moreover / After all / Of Course / Likewise / In addition” etc. The linked Arcs of Coherence assignment should help with this.

18.

Don’t worry about going over the page limit; just don’t go under it. More specifically, be sure to write at least 5 full pages but less than 10.

19.

Check your in-text citations (signal phrases and parenthetical references) and make sure they adhere to MLA format. See "Using Sources" in both the Week 8 and Week 9 modules for instruction.

20.

Create a Works Cited page--titled as such-- listing all your sources in MLA format. For instance, alphabetize the entries by author's last name. Also, for each entry, indent every line except the first. Refer to "MLA Handouts" in the Week 8 module for more specifics.

21.

Ensure that your final draft consists of the following…

(1) Your essay itself.

(2) A “Works Cited” page, listing all of your sources in MLA format.

(5) Your “Process Notes,” reflecting on the changes you made in revision.

22.

Otherwise, be sure that your final draft reflects a significant revision of your rough draft.

23.

Consider seeking additional readers/ tutorial assistance.

24.

Refer to the final draft guidelines and rubric for an understanding of how it will be graded.