My Rough Draft! PLease revise

Teacher: Hi, it is a draft of your academic essay that focuses on analyzing a change in your field of study, telling the reader either what caused the change or what effect it has had. You want to take the topic you chose and that works for the assignment, create a thesis and then flesh that thesis out into a 3 or so paragraph draft. Then post that to the DB. You will then use the feedback you receive to revise it fully to submit as your Unit 6 Assignment. 

The draft has been done already, now I am revising it. Are there any way that you can revise this. The paper CANNOT HAVE REFERENCES.

HERE IS MY ROUGH DRAFT!!!

Hello Everyone,

Here is my rough draft for my academic essay.

The Department of Human Resources has changed drastically over the course of the years due to the world around us changing and the trends changing year by year. I feel as though the HR field has been forced to change because of the vast growth in technology, social media, and the fact that this is a workforce full of millennials', which has made it more personal. The big question becomes are all these factors of change beneficial to the workforce or is it hindering.

Technology and the rapid pace that it is growing at has had a huge effect on society good and bad. It specifically has changed the work force because it has created the whole remote way of working. Computers, tablets and phones have created ways for employees to do their work from home, which means human contact decreases and everything is virtual reality. If everybody has a computer, Skype and FaceTime whats the point of going into the office. Technology has made our work easy and comfortable. So the HR Department then can hire people that may not live in the city of the company which exposes more job opportunities to more people. It also makes schedules more flexible and its less about long hours and face to face interaction and more about getting the actual task done at hand. Technology honestly has cut back on a lot of time as far as business hours and also has opened up more job opportunities for the department to give out.

We are in the world where social media is everything right now and that has definitely affected the work force. HR is now using social media and social sites like linked in to find their candidates to hire. I think social media is helping companies grow their traffic and their audience. So now being social media savvy is most of the time required because of how important it is in our world. The HR department has also became way more lenient than when it was just coming out because now social media is looked at as a tool. It can also have some down effects on employees because what you put on your social media and how you present yourself on these sites can hinder HR for hiring you or it could drive HR to fire you. Social media has some positive and negative affects on the work force and in general.

Now lets talk about Millennials and how they affect the work force. Jobs are looking for young and fresh faces who are eager to learn and very hip on trend which are now called the Millennials. Millennials are judged and deemed to be self entitled which means they are wanting a bigger salary than the employer feel they are owed. They say Millennials grew up being rewarded for participation and that is what started the entitlement. A lot of millennials  also have the entrepreneur mindset which means they are self starters and they find it hard to follow directions or the lead. Also in some instances, they are found to need more interaction with their employers for better performance. The pros to millennials  supposedly being entitled is that they are over achievers and  have a strong drive for success.

My Question is does my draft focus on the specific change in HR and also am I showing you what I think is causing the change accurately?

HERE IS WHAT THE TEACHER STATED?

That's an important question, and if you look at the first paragraph, I do think that it's not focusing on a specific change. Notice this sentence:

 the Department of Human Resources has changed drastically over the course of the years due to the world around us changing and the trends changing year by year.

Isn't that saying that the whole of this field has changed, rather than a specific issue within the field? Think of it this way: imagine a paper trying, in 4-5 paragraphs, to explain how the field of medicine has changed. That would be impossible, and even a long book might not be able to do that. 

What would you say is the most important change in this field that you know?

IMPORTANT TIP FOR MAKING AN “A!”

Hi everyone, before you submit your Unit 6 Assignment, please check the assignment instructions and the rubric again to make sure you are aware of grading expectations. Then, use this checklist to make sure you have followed the instructions carefully:  Have you: 1. selected a specific change to write on? Is this a relevant change that has already occurred, like an increase in diabetes among children or a decrease in a particular type of crime?

2. established a clear main point about the change you are writing about? Is the main point clearly focused on either the cause or effect? Is your point established in a thesis?

3. developed that main point with your own ideas, not relying on sources?Remember that the goal is not to rely yet on any sources. Do not use them. Read the instructions please and remember what we said in seminar about not relying on sources. Instead, what are your thoughts, reasons, and observations for what caused this change or what effect it has had?

However, if you use ANY source, have you given credit to any source information, paraphrases or quotes? If you do not cite the source IN TEXT (and if you do not know what that means, that means you do not need to use sources yet, until we learn how to use and cite them in units 7 and 8) that will cause problems with plagiarism and a zero grade.

4. organized your ideas logically into paragraphs? Do your paragraphs have clear, strong topic sentences that limit the focus of the paragraph? Do you use clear transitions to connect the ideas both within and between paragraphs?