Feedback and Resolution
Paying attention to feedback is important. It is important to see failure as feedback. You
can learn much from what does not work. This first case is an example of this. The second case
shows the importance of avoiding failure by focusing on resolution rather than solution. Most
problems cannot be solved but they can be resolved.
Rather than feeling discouraged or disappointed when something does not work, be excited
that you are one step closer to resolving the problem. Ask yourself what can be learned from the
failure in terms of which components of the plan need to be discarded and which components
need to be altered. Presbury, Echterling & McKee (2008, p. 263) wrote, “So-called failure is
merely a message that what you have tried isn’t working. As it is with cybernetic ‘smart
missiles,’ negative feedback will give clues to the location of the target. The future is
teleonomic, so failure is simply a course correction in the general direction of success.” The
following story illustrates how failure can lead to success.
No Failure, Only Feedback
Robin’s parents had disowned her several weeks prior to her coming to see me. Robin grew
up in a very controlling family. When she went away to college, she developed problems with
anorexic behavior and panic attacks. Recently she had been plagued with memories of bad
experiences from her childhood. During our first session, I said very little. I listened as she told
me her story. I suggested an assignment of writing down the memories as they came to her and
bringing those to the next session.
In our second session, as we looked through the record of her memories, the clear theme was
fear. She feared disappointing her parents, being a failure and being abandoned. She heard two
voices in her head; one voice told her that she was going to fail, and the other voice told her that
everything would be okay. These voices created anxiety and instigated a need to flee. The result
was a panic attack.
I focused on her desire to run away and asked what would happen if every time she began
this series—feeling afraid, hearing the voices and wanting to run away—she would mentally
hide behind a thick piece of plate glass until the fear subsided. We experimented with Robin
focusing on several of the memories that had caused panic attacks. As she went through feeling
afraid, hearing the voices and reaching the point of wanting to run away, she would mentally
hide behind the plate glass. As she sat in my office, this procedure worked; she was able to calm
down and remain calm rather than experiencing a panic attack. Robin felt confident that this
would work and promised to use it each time she began to feel afraid.
When Robin came in the next week, she was discouraged because, even though the
technique had worked in my office, it had not worked outside. She had experienced several
panic attacks during the week.
During our session, she began to talk about her grandmother and how her grandmother had
been the only positive person in her life. I encouraged her to talk about these positive memories
and to remember the positive things her grandmother would say to her and do for her. The more
she talked, the more positive memories she had. The more positive memories she had, the
stronger and happier she became.
How should Robin proceed? Would you alter the original plan, or would you go in a
different direction? Would you use the information she gave concerning her grandmother, and—
if so—how? Write your thoughts.
After she had exhausted the stories, I reminded her of what a wonderful resource the
memories of her grandmother were to help her feel safe and secure. I wondered aloud what
would happen if, each time she began to feel afraid, she pictured her grandmother and heard her
grandmother’s voice.
Robin returned for her fourth session and reported that she had no panic attacks during the
previous week. Each time she began to feel fear, she would see and hear her grandmother and
the fear would subside. She felt confident that she knew what to do to control her fear.
Returning a month later to check in with me, she reported no panic attacks during the month
since our last session. She was still estranged from her parents and hoped that someday she
could reconcile with them. Whether this occurred or not, she knew how to calm herself when
she felt afraid.
When our first plan failed, we could have given up or kept trying to make it work but
probably to no avail. Most likely, trying harder would not have mattered. Instead, we took the
failure as feedback and went a different direction. We all know the old adage, “Insanity is doing
the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I wonder how many times you
have failed because you keep trying the same thing even though it isn’t working.
If you try to solve clients’ problems you will spend much time in frustration. If problems
were solvable, most clients would have already fixed them. Your job is to find ways to change
the problem in some way or reduce it to a level that becomes tolerable so that it no longer
hinders the person from living effectively. The following case illustrates this point.
Sometimes a problem cannot be solved but it can be resolved. Presbury, Echterling &
McKee (2008, p. 264) wrote, “People do not ‘solve’ life concerns. Instead, they achieve some
form of resolution by transforming themselves, transcending the issues, or translating chaos into
meaning.” Problems can be too complex to fix. However, a part of the problem can be changed,
or how it is viewed can be changed, so that it no longer creates the same negative consequences.
Perhaps there are times when therapy is long term because you are trying to help the client solve
a problem that is unsolvable. However, the fact that the problem can’t be solved doesn’t mean
that the client must remain stuck. Part of the problem can be resolved so that the client can live a
happy and fulfilled life. The following story illustrates this point.
The Power of Forgiveness
Kit came to me having suffered from depression and anorexic tendencies for the past five
years. The depression and anorexia began during her senior year of high school when her
grandmother died, after being severely ill for several months. During this illness, Kit was busy
with senior year activities and did not visit her grandmother as much as she thought she should
have. Since her grandmother’s death, Kit had felt guilty and punished herself, limiting her food
intake and feeling depressed.
For Kit to solve her problem, she would need to be forgiven by her grandmother. Of course
this forgiveness was impossible because her grandmother was dead. If you were Kit’s
therapist, how would you help her? Would you focus on her depression, anorexic tendencies,
or guilt? Would you go in some other direction? Write your thoughts before reading further.
The following is the direction that Kit and I took.
I asked Kit to put her grandmother in the empty chair and to confess her guilt to her
grandmother before asking her grandmother for forgiveness. Then I asked Kit to move into the
empty chair and respond as her grandmother. While speaking as her grandmother, she said that
she forgave Kit, and the best way for Kit to honor her grandmother is to be happy and healthy.
After this experience, Kit looked different. Her posture was more erect, her voice was
stronger, her face glowed and she was smiling. She reported feeling much better.
Kit returned a week later to report that she had felt happy since our last session; she had
eaten well and had begun to socialize more. She also said that she no longer felt guilty.
Kit’s experience shows the power of confession, even to someone who is not present. Kit
needed to forgive herself, which she was able to do by using the empty chair technique to
converse with her grandmother. This experience also shows how quickly one can resolve an
issue that has existed for years. Kit did not need to spend hours going back over all that had
happened or trying to figure out why she did not spend more time with her grandmother or why
she felt guilty for not spending more time. All she needed was a mechanism to forgive self—
giving permission to be healthy and happy again.
Exercise: Think of a situation in your life that needs to be changed but involves someone
else changing his or her behavior for the problem to be solved. You cannot change the other
person, so what can you change about how you think or behave that will allow you to move past
the situation? Think of a particular client whose problem involves someone else needing to
change. How can you help the client resolve the problem without changing the other person?
Also, think of an experience in your life, or an example with one of your clients, where you
failed to resolve the problem. What could you have learned from the failure to help you
successfully resolve your problem or assist the client?